Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 4 - Wild Wild Pest - full transcript

That was the one last
one, wasn't it, Jase?

Well, for now it is.

- They'll be back.
- Nutria rats are like cockroaches.

Ow! I'm losing my shoe!

There's an art to getting out of
a mud hole without getting wet.

Godwin, hey, you need to
put a bug on those things, son.

Whoa. You know what
I've come to realize?

What's that?

There's some really
bad golfers around here.

Yeah, I see you had some luck.

Oh, yeah, we got a tow sack full of
them and found you some golf balls.



Back in my younger days, I'd do a
few odd jobs for a couple extra bucks.

Those things were wreaking
havoc all over the place.

They're up to no good.

One of them was getting rid
of people's unwanted pests.

It's hard to believe that this little
rascal can do so much damage.

He's a fat one.

I used to charge
people money for it.

But this time, I'm asking for
something that money can't buy.

All right, so what do I owe you?

Look, I'm kind of a
favor-for-favor man.

You scratch, you know, our
back, we scratch your back.

Well, I get your point, but...

It's, you know, it's about
the thought that counts, okay?

Every time we come and
manage your nutria rats,



we'll get a frog hunt.

- A few rats for a few frogs.
- There you go.

I like that deal.

- I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- No.

- Yup.
- All right, so we have an understanding.

- Absolutely.
- Good trade.

I'd shake your hand, but...

- Yeah, he don't want to go there.
- Yeah. I'm good.

Now, I need to
get this tail off here.

- Look out.
- What in the world?

- Whoa.
- I wanna ride that.

- What have you been doing?
- Hey, that side of the pond is clear.

- No rats.
- Hey, you're supposed to be a grown man

and you're riding
around on a tricycle.

Dude, it's a QuietKat.
It ain't no tricycle.

- It's a tricycle.
- I can ride that.

Hey, I can get 20 miles
to the battery on this baby.

You need to get
off that tricycle.

Every man should have one
really cool toy. It's like a rule.

Hey, I can do
tricks on this thing.

Mine just happens
to be a QuietKat.

You need to do a
trick and get off of it.

Your prey will never
hear you coming.

It's just like a quiet fart.

Do you want some of that?

By the time you smell
it, it's way too late.

- Ooh!
- Tote these out of here for us.

- What?
- Back here...

You put the rats in the basket.

Hey, I scratch your
back, you scratch mine.

Si.

Later, losers. Check this out.

That boy is never
going to grow up.

He ain't got enough
beans in his britches.

Frog legs.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Mm, mm.

- You know what I'm thinking?
- I want another frog leg. Mm.

No, I'm thinking we're pretty good
at removing other people's pests.

- Yup.
- And collecting the spoils.

Yup.

We need to do that
somewhere where we can hunt.

- Oh.
- We come and get your rats

or your snakes or
whatever your problem is.

What we get in
return is hunting rights.

- I'm in.
- That's pretty good.

This is the single
greatest idea you ever had.

I think you're right.

Hi there, I'm Jase
Robertson, pest pulverizer.

Hey, you know who
has a nutria rat problem?

- Who?
- Dan.

- Lieutenant Dan?
- Lieutenant Dan.

- Really?
- I will not rest

until all your pests
have been eliminated.

Free of charge.

- What does he have to trade?
- He has an awesome fishing lake.

- Now we're talking.
- Jackpot.

Line it up.

Warning: only customers
with proper hunting

and fishing spots
will be accepted.

Improper removal of any
pest could result in bodily harm,

diarrhea, vomiting,
perhaps death.

Hey, speaking of fish, while
y'all are getting the nutria rats...

Y'all?

I'm going to be, "Oh, yeah!

Here he is. Oh, yeah.

That sucker there weighs
about three pounds."

They got to fight.

"Whoa! Come out here!

Whoa, whoa, come
in. Come back here!"

Get the net.

- Help me, Jep.
- Help him, Jep.

Ah! Higher. He got off. Hyah!

What kind of imaginary story is
that where the fish gets off at the end?

I'm wore out now, boys.
I need a nap. Good grief.

Hey, um, what are
y'all doing this summer?

- Depends.
- Getting married.

- Besides getting married.
- Honeymoon.

All right, after the
honeymoon, after the wedding.

What about the in-between time?

- Mm...
- Had a good idea.

This summer you're going
to work at Willie's Duck Diner.

I'll admit, no kid, including my own,
wants to work during the summer.

- Summer job.
- I don't know.

But there's no better way
to learn the value of a dollar

than to work your butt off while your
friends are having fun without you.

Yeah, I don't know. My
plate's pretty full this summer.

Your plate's going
to be full, all right.

Two hands of plates.

It's sort of like a
rite of passage.

Somewhere between your
driver's license and armpit hair.

Everybody needs a summer
job. I had a crappy summer job.

Are you telling them it's going
to be crappy working at the diner?

No, not this one.

You start putting all them
dollar bills in your pocket,

you'll be liking it then.

- Free food?
- What are you, negotiating?

- Yeah.
- Business.

It's what you taught us.

Hey!

John Luke, do not
waste this sausage, son.

But you threw the sausage first.

Pipe down, John Luke.

Slow down, Jase.
Dan's house is right here.

- Whoa! What are you doing?
- Hey, check that out.

- What do y'all got?
- Oh! That's a bull right there.

- Si, what are you doing with my belt?
- I got a weapon right here.

- Si, that's my belt.
- I know. It's a weapon too.

Them things are just like
vampires, okay? They don't ever die.

Load him up, we're
taking him. He's fresh.

I've got to ride home with that
thing in the back of the truck.

I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't
worry about it. Where you going?

- Hey.
- Usually, people and animals

are terrified of Si, or at least
of what he's capable of doing.

I'll slingshot this belt
upside your head.

What you don't know about Si is
that he is more terrified of snakes

than anything else on the earth.

- That's what I thought.
- Is it? Is it?

So naturally, being a Robertson,

once we spot your
weakness, it's over.

- Come get you a glass of tea.
- You lay that on my tea jug?

- No, around it.
- I knew I should have brought a pistol.

We're basically going to
tease you the rest of your life.

Quit!

Or until it stops being funny.

- What is all this ruckus out here?
- Yeah.

All these idiots done find a
stupid road kill rattle snake.

I'm out there trying
to catch a crappie,

and I look up and see you running
across the yard like a little girl.

- Well, look.
- What's happening?

I hear you have a little
bit of a nutria problem.

That's true. I've got
a bunch of nutria rats.

- All right.
- Well, let's get on it.

- I'll meet y'all around the back.
- All right.

Jep, I cannot believe
you got another QuietKat.

- Hey, I'll ride it.
- Yeah. A man so big

that he would rather sit
on a tricycle than walk.

My daddy taught me to work
smarter instead of harder.

Welcome aboard, maties.
Are y'all ready to work?

- I guess.
- All right.

Let me teach you a little
bit about being a waiter.

Have you even
ever been a waiter?

Um...

- Hm?
- Here's how you get big tips.

You got to have a good smile.
Where's your friendly smile?

Sadie? That's good.

All right. John Luke?

- You don't know how to smile?
- I'm trying to smile. I can't...

Smile with your eyes.

No. Maybe work in,
like, a laugh, like... Hello.

Hello.

Look, I ain't your dad
no more. I'm Boss Hog.

And you are my little piglets.

Let's say I'm a customer,
all right? I'm coming in.

Hey, I'd like some food.

- Now you got to speak.
- Oh, okay.

Try it again.

I'm going to fill those little
piglet brains so full of knowledge

that they might just explode.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Are you hungry?

Of course I'm hungry, I
just walked into a restaurant.

What kind of question
is, "Are you hungry?"

I may be better off just
to hire two actual piglets.

John Luke, roll.

- Really?
- You never know what can happen.

At least the customers
may find that entertaining.

Whoa! Accident, accident.

I would certainly
find that entertaining.

John Luke, clean
up all this mess.

There's rolls, there's ice
everywhere, that's a hazard.

You got to pick this stuff up.

Does the five-second
rule apply to these cups?

- It's off the floor.
- You never know.

John Luke, have
you lost your mind?

He gone.

Martin, grab that nutria
and we'll call it a day.

Well, he ain't on this house.

- Get on down in there.
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey!

- Oh!
- Uh-oh.

That first step is a doozy.

I think Phil's right, a man's better
than a dog when it comes to retrieving.

That's right.

Well, as it turns out, my buddy
Dan has a serious problem

with nutria rats
on his property.

- Wait, wait. Yeah! Hey!
- There he is. There he is.

And just as I had hoped,
he's given us the thumbs up

on crappie fishing
his private lake.

Well, that's another one.

It's a win-win. Except
for the varmints.

Look, we ought to fry these
suckers up after we're done.

Si, I've tried nutria
rat once, and...

Yeah, but have you
tried it in sausage form?

No.

Anything in sausage
form is good.

Look, I don't understand
why everybody's

concerned about what
goes into a sausage.

- Nutria rat, possum, coon.
- Chili dogs.

Squirrel.

Hey, look, let me tell you
something about sausage.

They throw everything
in them things.

- What about rattlesnake?
- No, he's already in sausage form.

Venomous sausage form, no.

Look, the rats they
found in the factory,

the neighbor's cat
that died last week,

pieces of meat somebody didn't
finish, okay, that was laying around.

You'll run from a snake,
but you'll run to a rat.

Hey, I'm telling you, nutria
rat sausage is the way to go.

Look. Hey, and guess
what? It all tastes the same.

- I got a sausage guy.
- You got a what?

- I got a sausage guy.
- What is a sausage guy?

I bring him all my meats and
he makes sausages out of it.

- Can he do lamb?
- He can sausage-fy just about anything.

- My kind of man right there.
- We do need to do something with them.

Hey, let's go have
some rat sausage, boys.

- Agreed.
- We'll try it.

Let's go, I'm ready. Hey,
Jep, call your sausage man.

You got it.

Let's go kick this
sausage fest off.

I'm hungry.

We need sandwiches.

What you guys got there?

What we have, and I've
already cleaned them,

- is a big pile of nutria rats.
- Oh, that explains the smell.

- Have you ever made nutria rat sausage?
- No, sir, I haven't.

- Really? So this will be a first time.
- It will.

Ha! Well, who knew?

Listen, in these parts we have
a certain way of doing things.

Waste not, want not.

- What flavor do you want?
- Heavy on the spices with nutria rat.

Even when we're talking
about large rodents.

We can put the jalapeño and
cheese in there. Will that help?

- Oh, that...
- That'll make it start.

Mm-hm.

Some people may
think that's disgusting.

I can make it tasty. Now, if
we can make y'all swallow it,

that's a different story.

But wasting food is just
against the redneck code.

Jalapeños and
cheese. I'm ready to eat.

I've never been this
excited over trying a rat.

- Easy, son. Easy, easy.
- It's gonna be good!

All right, boys, here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Good grief.

Wow.

Mm! I'm excited.

Sausages.

That's gross.

- Look at that.
- Hey, don't be handling.

- That's awesome.
- Don't be handling that.

All right, well, I
brought one other thing

and I know this is
going to be good.

- Bring it on.
- All right.

Rattle snake.

- No, no, no, hold up.
Don't mess with me.

- Si.

Hey, I'll cut you, I will.

- What do you think about this?
- It's going to be something new.

Whoo! We're going to be famous.

I don't know about
that, but if you want,

I'll make sausage out of it.

Oh, yeah.

- Everything okay over here?
- It's great.

- Awesome. Thank you.
- Good.

Thanks.

John Luke, when I say smile,
your eyes are too... you're like...

Yeah, like that,
that's... that's...

Like, I'm scared or
something. Just tone the eyes...

You can smile, you know, just a
little. Your eyes are a little... you know.

- So... Hey, look it here!
- Hey! How's it going?

- It's good.
- Good.

What a surprise.

It's John Luke and Sadie's
first day working at the diner.

And Will, Rebecca and I wanted to
stop by and see how they're doing.

- Any tough customers?
- He's the toughest.

He threw a roll at me while
I was carrying all the waters.

Wh... what?

And more importantly, I wanted to
see how Willie's doing as their boss.

Speaking of customers,
aren't we forgetting something?

- Not the smile, they need to sit down.
- Oh!

- Yeah, we're customers.
- You're customers.

Here's your table.

But the main reason we came
in is for the bacon cheese fries.

- So who's thirsty?
- I'll have an un-sweet tea.

- Okay, Rebecca?
- Can I have an un-sweet tea

- with a kiss of sweet?
- You want me to kiss the tea?

I think she wants, like,
unsweet tea with just, like,

a little bit of
sweet tea mixed in.

There comes a point for
every father when it's time

to just let his little
piglets roam free.

But now is not that point.

- Appetizers, anyone?
- Do y'all have any recommendations?

- Well, I just like the free bread.
- Where's that on the menu?

It just comes free. I don't
usually get an appetizer.

John Luke.

These kids are still building
confidence in their skills as servers.

And I don't want to give
them too much freedom,

only to see them fail
and get discouraged.

I'll just take the
mini corn dogs.

I don't think we have mini
corn dogs here. Do we?

- I don't know.
- Learn the menu, son.

It's my first day.

You want them to learn
from their mistakes,

but not pay for them
the rest of their lives.

Any other appetizers?

Yeah, we'll have the
bacon cheese fries for sure.

- Mm! Good choice. Good choice.
- Good choice.

That's my favorite.

A good leader also
knows when to give

a little extra encouragement
and guidance.

- John Luke, give me a Boss Hog.
- Are you eating here?

Yeah, I'm eating,
my feet are killing me.

Can I eat? My feet
are killing me too.

Nope, you're on the clock.
Chop, chop, thank you.

Y'all are doing so good.

- Oh, wash your hands, John Luke.
- Yes.

We really got a
lot of money today.

Yeah, we did good.
What do you think, Dad?

You only got that much because your
mom was here. Plus, you ain't even done.

- We're not done?
- No.

You got to roll up all the
silverware for tomorrow.

You got to marry the ketchup.
That one needs a lot of marriage.

I got to say, John Luke and Sadie
did pretty well for their first day.

John Luke, watch.

Ketchup's coming out
of your tips if you spill it.

- Whoops.
- Sadie.

Nothing builds character
more than a long day's work.

How's this, Dad?

John Luke, that's
total crap, do it again.

No.

I'm proud of them
just for sticking it out.

Even if they're really
not helping that much.

- Okay, how about this?
- Aren't you forgetting something?

No, the wrapper
thing, not the smile.

Nobody's here, the smile's over.

That's a good burger.

- When do we get to eat?
- At the end of the day, son.

The end of the day.

I'm starting to feel like this
day's never going to end.

The longer you take,
the longer the day goes.

Sadie.

- Whoops.
- It's coming out of your tips.

I'm taking a little
percentage for that.

Smells like sausage.

It's going to be good.

Si, I think Lizzie likes you.

You can't tell where I begin
and where the dog stops.

- She's our little lioness.
- ♪ The lion king ♪

♪ Sleep tonight ♪

- Si, you know that dog eats its poop.
- Mm-hm.

- It's gross.
- When's the sausage going to be ready?

I cannot believe y'all are going
to eat rat sausage. It's disgusting.

No, that's going to be the greatest
thing you have ever ate in your life.

- Oh, I'm not eating that.
- More for me.

Last but not least. The
rattle snake sausage.

- Oh, you talking about gross.
- Good night. It ain't much.

I still cannot believe
that's all we got out of that.

- Hey, I got dibs on that.
- Huh?

Yes, I've never had it
before, and I'm cooking it.

Well, I want some of
it. I say we go splitskies.

You just disqualified
yourself for saying...

- Splitskies!
- Yeah, you're disqualified.

- We gonna split it up amongst us.
- Oh, I got the concept.

Look, I got a way
we can settle this.

It's manly, it's a little
dangerous, and it's quiet.

Deal, let's do it. And I
don't even know what it is.

- Get ready!
- Ready.

Get set! Go!

Go, go! Oh!

- Whoo! Go, Jep!
- They're burning rubber!

- All right, looky here!
- Go, go, go!

- Come on! Go, Jep!
- Go, go, go go!

- I got you now.
- Rattle snake!

Come on!

- Hey, whoa! Hey!
- Whoa!

Victorious.

You were on in the
inside, that's why you won.

I'm not saying that losing to Jase is
my least favorite thing in the world,

but it's at least
in my top five.

- Jase, you are the sausage king.
- Yes! You lost.

I mean, I can think of worst
things: getting food poisoning,

getting poison ivy
in my nether regions.

Beat you on your own ride.

I feel like a nerd.

I think it falls in between
driving to Chick-Fil-A

and then realizing
it's a Sunday,

and then thinking I'm
gonna get lucky with Jess,

and she puts on the sweatpants.

I'm sorry, babe.

- Victory lap.
- Oh, good grief.

- Hooray!
- Jep, hey. Jep.

This victory is going
to the boy's head.

I'm going to get the sausage.
I'm going to get the sausage!

Go, Godwin!

Ladies and gents, sausage fest.

It's a festival of sausages.

All right, y'all, bow.

Father, thank you for the truth
about Jesus that sets us free.

Freed us from sin,
freed us from guilt,

and Io and behold freeing
us from the grave itself.

For that, we are humbled.

- In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.
- Amen!

Although working
hard ain't always fun,

it doesn't have to
feel like a chore.

Especially when you're
working with family.

My brothers and I
were forced to learn

the value of hard
work very early in life.

What I didn't know at the
time was that those hours

spent cleaning fish with my dad or
building duck calls with my brothers

would become some
of my best memories.

Because in the end, life is
more than just hard work.

It's about learning to
enjoy it along the way.

Hey, Martin, pass that
rat sausage down here.

- Oh, that is nasty.
- More for me.