Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 3 - Search N' Decoy - full transcript

Miss Kay have you ever used
apple sauce in your muffins?

- No, I never have.
- I make my muffins with little honey.

- Mmm.
- Mmm. I love me some honey so does Jep.

- I bet he does.
- Okay let's talk about food.

The Big Sister Club started
two or three years ago

and we usually cook something
good and eat it together.

Girl you need some
meat on those bones.

- We'll give you double icing.
- Thank you.

Jessica's just a
little sister now.

Mmm!

But we're working on it.



- It's so good.
- Ah! Something smelling delish in here.

We're having our
Big Sister Club.

- I thought it was the Muffin Moms.
- That's on Wednesday, thank you.

I've got another club for
you to join, the health club.

That's part of the reason
why Jessica's here.

We're going bowling.

You, what? That's
not exercise, Kay.

You run down that thing
and you throw that ball.

You take four steps
and you throw a ball.

No, I have little steps.
I take six or seven.

Why don't you come with us?

- You can join our Big Sister Club.
- I don't know if I'd fit the criteria.

I think you fit the criteria.

- No.
- I think I can beat you.



Jessica you can't
beat me, believe me.

Wanna bet?

I got 200 dollars on this girl.

Kay, I was almost professional.

Now this should
come as no surprise,

but I pretty much used to
dominate the bowling lanes.

- That was seventy pounds ago.
- Oh.

I was at least semi-pro.

- You were in college.
- You don't lose the ability to bowl.

I mean I was good, really good.

Especially for that region
in northeast Arkansas.

You're going to bet
200 dollars on her?

You haven't even seen her bowl.

I think he's scared.

Bobo!

Bobo?

Well, he can come
to a chicken college.

All right, I guess I'll spend
time with my mom and her...

friends.

I'll be there tomorrow,
so bring your checkbook.

Hey, I've got cash right...

Kay, golly.

Well, it fell down,
but I've got cash.

I don't want the cash
that's been on your skin.

This is in the middle
of nowhere, Phil.

Now, this dude is
somewhat of a recluse.

You think?

But he's an artist, so that
means you have to be weird.

I mean artist,
weirdo. Same thing.

That's right.

He goes by the
name of Couvillion.

I just call him Einstein Junior.

Einstein.

I was telling these guys how
you got the name Einstein.

I don't think you
did tell us that.

I guess there's a hair, maybe.

I don't see it. Is he a genius?

Well, he took things
like this. You see that?

What do you call that?

- It's a...
- A block of wood.

It's a block of wood.

And he turns it into that.

You tell me if he's
a genius or not.

No.

Jase, look at the detail
on that though, look.

- How much do these cost?
- A thousand a piece.

- A thousand a piece.
- Bingo.

What I've noticed about my dad
is that when it comes with anything

- involving duck hunting...
- Boo-ya.

He doesn't care what it costs.

Jase, you don't think it'll
suck ducks from a mile high?

So today he drag us out
in the middle of nowhere

to meet a man that
he thinks is a genius.

- Made in America.
- Land of the brave.

And maybe he's right.

Any man that can convince my dad

to pay a thousand dollars
for a wooden duck...

He's pretty much the
smartest man on earth.

For a thousand dollars you can
buy ten dozen regular decoys.

Plastic ones, they
ain't going to last long.

Well, how long are
these going to last?

As long as you want them to
last. Without putting a match to 'em.

Why would you burn them?

I guess to see it burn.

Do you ever take any bartering?

We brought gifts.

Let us see what
kind of gifts you got.

I learned this trick
from the Eskimos.

This is not just any gift.

This duck has been hung
up for a couple months.

He begins to liquefy.

Oh, good grief.

Your lips go into the
south end of the duck.

Oh yeah, I'm familiar with that.

Think of him as a
tube of toothpaste.

- Ugh.
- You drink the duck.

- It's a duck shake.
- I'm in.

I brought enough to where I
figure it's about twenty percent off.

- How about ten?
- Bingo.

All right Einstein,
appreciate it.

Hey, Phil, if you ever back up
here bring me some more of these.

Ugh, that's... that's gross.

Jep, unravel.

Y'all reckon you get
enough string on this?

Good grief.

Oh, see? It's not practical.

It's all in delivery.

It's all in delivery.

See, right here, watch.

You talking about denial.

I'd estimate that Phil just spent about
twenty thousand dollars on these decoys.

Seems like these
are a lot more trouble.

That's why you have this.

Slightly on his head, look.

Nope, didn't work.

So, sure, he's going to give
them the benefit of the doubt.

Which is crazy.

He got them wrapped
up in the prop again.

Uh, my hands are uncomfortable.

Oh, this crap.

But to me, the only benefit...

This is maddening to deal with.

Is the bank account of
the guy selling these things.

Three things are
gonna happen, Jase,

when mallard ducks
see these decoys.

- What's that?
- They will be mesmerized...

- You mesmerize them.
- Hypnotized and paralyzed.

And then you kill 'em
and make them dead.

- That don't rhyme.
- Who cares?

I ain't a hip-hop singer, son.

All right, look, I'm
not doing this all year.

There's a reason they
make decoys out of plastic.

You're not going to make a plastic
decoy that looks like them, no way.

Well, I tell you this. If I
can make a plastic decoy

look as good as this, we
can use them in the spread.

Get one and put it out there
and lets see if I can spot them.

All right, you're on.

Oh I'll do it.

If I can tell the difference you
pay for the next batch of decoys.

Okay, deal.

Then leave them right there.

I... I give up.

You kidding me?

Would you stop it.

I threw mine the furthest.

- Perfect throw Jep, you idiot.
- Now we're here twice as long.

Oh, this is going
to be so much fun.

I'm excited about this.

- What is he doing here?
- What are you doing here?

Willie, you cannot be
practicing this early okay?

- Y'all didn't say what time to get here.
- Cheater.

It's been a while since my
competitive bowling days,

so I've taken some extra measures
to insure I'm on the top of my game.

Which I still am.

- What are you wearing, by the way?
- It's my lucky bowling shirt.

- I bought it for him.
- That's precious.

There's nothing these
women can say will faze me.

- I bowled my highest game in it.
- Really? How long ago was that?

Twenty-three years
ago I bowled 250.

Two-fifty, it ain't
happening today.

You're about to see how
Willie got his groove back.

- We're gonna have two teams.
- No, two...

- Yes.
- It's one on one.

You said you were
betting on her against me.

This was the whole point,
for them to get active.

- All right, well I'm picking teams.
- No, no, no.

You were here practicing
early, so I get to choose the first.

All right, I definitely get Crystal
because she played basketball.

Who's the best out of you two?

I got carpal tunnel.

All right, you're out.
Rhonda, you're on my team.

Willie you got Kay
and Carpal Girl.

All right, I've got the...

challenge section I guess.

All right, y'all
ready? Let's go.

No, we got to come up
with our bowling names.

All right, I'm practicing while
you come up with that crap.

The last time I went bowling
it was with my grandkids.

- I'm gonna be Sookie.
- Bon Qui Qui.

Sure, it was, fun but this time,

I'm glad bowling with
a more mature group.

- Grenalda Jones.
- Can you spell that?

- No, spell it.
- I can't either.

- Grinel...
- "E," does it have an "E"?

- You got to be kidding me.
- "E," no.

N-E-L, Da Jones? Jones?

We get to talk about
more grown up things.

- My name is Frida.
- Ooh.

- It should be, I like Fritos.
- Shut up.

At least most of us
are acting grown up.

Xena the Warrior Bowler.

Xena, Z?

Oh, my gosh, Mom.

Willie could learn a thing or two
from us ladies about manners.

All right, tubbo, what do
you want your name to be?

Just put Hog.

No, I want you to have
a pretty name: Willow.

- Yeah.
- Don't put Willow.

And I can actually spell that.

- No.
- Yes.

Whatever.

Nice try, Willow.

Oh, you missed.

- Ha-ha.
- Kay, we're on the same team.

Oh.

You going down, big
girl with your pink on.

Kay you bet on me.

Oh, yeah. That's... Yeah.

When I have an idea,
it's usually a good one.

No, I don't know about that.

Gentlemen...

The graveyard of decoys.

You know what...

See if you can pull
that mallard drake out?

- I see...
- Pull out mallard drake out,

see how many fall.

- No.
- Yeah, pull it out.

- Snatch it quick.
- You mean these?

- Now, quick.
- I mean.

Be like Jenga, pull it out.

Look.

- Jinga, or Jenga?
- Hey.

Do y'all want to hear my plan?

If this is it, no, I'm
not really interested.

I've come up
with a brilliant plan

to show Phil that I can beat
his thousand dollar decoys.

- You know what I see?
- Pile of crap.

With cheaper plastic ones.

I see the potential
for resurrection.

- The what?
- We're fixing to resurrect them.

Thought you were
going to say bury them.

No.

This may look like a bunch of
old, useless washed up decoys.

Just think, if them
decoys could talk.

They would say,
"Jase! Bring me back."

Who's back?

They were talking to me because
I'm fixing to bring them back.

But if you use
your imagination...

All we got to do is make this
look like thousand dollar decoys.

You'll see what I see: victory.

It's all lipstick and rouge.
There's a paint scheme.

Hey, I'm in. I loved arts
and crafts day at school.

That's the spirit.

Pull out that mallard hen
out without them all falling.

Watch this.

- Easy.
- Easy.

Jenga.

You lose.

Jenga.

Jenga. Put it back
let's do it again.

Yeah!

All right, big sisters, play
by the rules, no cheating.

I want to pick what side,
because I've got a lucky number.

- It doesn't matter what lane you're...
- Number ten that was Daddy's number.

It's my lucky number.

All right, fine, you
can play on ten.

You pretend like your Daddy
when he played football.

- All right.
- Suck in your stomach.

As a former almost
pro, it's pretty frustrating

to be dealing with a
bunch of amateurs.

See, nobody thought exercise
would be this much fun.

Barring some miracle, I'm gonna
have to carry my team to victory.

We're not exercising, plus you've
got, like, 20 bags of chips there.

Thankfully, that's
just a metaphor,

because that might be a
little rough on the knees.

Okay, Xena the warrior princess.

- All right.
- Two hundred dollars on this.

- Don't screw it up.
- There you go Jessica.

Huh? Huh? I can't
hear y'all man.

Okay I was never almost pro
or whatever Willie claims to be,

but I'm still pretty
confident I can win this.

All right, Frito pie on ten.

Kay you're half
way down the lane.

- Kay got zero. Shocker.
- I love you, Miss Kay.

It's not so much that I have
confidence in me or my team.

Oh, crap.

Gutter ball.

It's just that I have zero
confidence in Willie's team.

All right, Willow!
Come on Willow!

Oh, God!

Golly, are you kidding me?

Amateur hour.

May the worst team lose.

Come on, you got this.

- Are you all right?
- I'm not hurt, I'm not hurt.

Here's the good news,
that's the best ball you threw.

Well, that's good news.

- I'm going to have to finish her bowl.
- What?

- Her knee's hurt, she can't roll.
- All right, Rhonda you're out too.

- I'm gonna finish her bowl.
- There you go.

How many pins did I get?

You got all of them but two.

Good job, Kay.

Kay's doing awesome now.

I hate to say it but something
about my mom hurting herself

really got my game going again.

Yes!

Whoo! That was me.

Kay, you're on fire.

That may sound bad, but as
someone who gets frequently injured...

Ah! Oh!

Oh!

Uh-oh!

Ohh!

I can empathize.

I'm constantly hurting myself.

Oh, that's it, that's it, Kay!

Holy-moly.

Oh, blame it on your wrist.

So this one's for you, Kay.

All right it is a close match.

I can't take it anymore!

The pressure's on.

Kay's winning by the way.

What did you expect?

All right boys, look
at what I got here.

Here's your model.

Ooh! That stinks.

It doesn't stink. These have
been aged for two months.

Why didn't you
just take a picture?

Well, would rather stare at a picture
of your wife or your actual wife?

Depends on what mood she's in.

Me and Phil got a pretty
serious bet going on here.

I like the way
this paint smells.

Don't eat the
paint. Don't eat it.

Unfortunately, the guys are failing
to see the gravity of the situation.

I'm getting a cramp in my arm.

And this is not all
just fun and games.

- This is fun.
- Yeah, Mm-hm. It is fun.

I don't want to be spending
twenty thousand dollars

for more of these decoys.

How did you get
yours that color?

Green. I used that green paint.

I thought that getting
these guys involved...

- Mine's got hemorrhoids poking out.
- Ooh!

Would increase my odds.

But I got to tell you, after
watching them paint...

From thirty yards away,
could you tell this was a decoy?

- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.

- Yup.
- Man.

It's not looking good.

That's my finish. All I got
to do now is let her dry.

- Let her dry.
- That's a duck right there.

He's swimming by and he's
fixing to get his head blown off.

- Si, that's yours?
- Wow.

It looks pretty good!

Hey, piece of cake.

All right, we'll use Si's,
and if Phil can tell him apart

from the other
ones, we'll concede.

Hey, is that duck leaking already
or is that paint on your shirt?

- Uh-oh. He's leaking.
- I'll throw up.

He's leaking.

All right Phil, the
decoys are set.

In this spread, you
have one plastic decoy.

Can you realistically tell
the plastic from the wooden?

Mmm...

I mean, Jase is confident
that I can't tell the difference

between a hand-carved
decoy and a plastic one.

Can you tell?

There's a fine line between
confidence and hubris.

Mmm...

Like the Bible says,
pride comes before the fall.

You know what I don't
like about plastic decoys.

Well, we got the pride part.

I don't like the way
they float on the water.

I don't like the
color coat on them.

And now I'm fixing to
show old Jase the fall.

And the last thing I don't like
about them is this right here.

He found it.

They sink when you shoot them.

Valid point.

In hindsight,
maybe I should have

put our personalized
decoys a little further out.

They have to be Si proof.

- All right.
- He shoots decoys all the time.

I mean they got to
be able to hold a load.

Hey, ain't no plastic
ducks out there.

Not now.

Next time I make
a bet with Phil,

I'm gonna keep the
stakes a little lower,

like maybe just a handshake.

After that demonstration, I'm going
to put in an order for some decoys.

Maybe, Jase, old Skip will
give you a little cut-rate price.

Yeah, time to go to plan B.

If I only had one.

All right, it all
comes down to this.

- I'm ahead by one pin.
- One pin, that's it, ladies.

- Come on, Xena.
- Are you scared, Willie?

- Are you scared I'm going to beat you?
- No, I'm winning. I'm not scared at all.

Whatever.

Jessica put all
your weight in it.

She don't have any
weight to put in it.

Think about dinner.

Oh, boy.

Oh!

- Dang it.
- Gutter ball!

That was the worst
performance I've ever seen.

She choked. She choked big.

Boo!

Well, I may not have
bowled my best game,

but when you have an
opponent like Jessica,

sometimes your
worst is good enough.

At the end of the day, it's
all about good, clean fun.

And two hundred
bucks, so pay up.

You can ask your mom for that.
She's the one that put the money up.

Well here's the
best option on that.

What's better than
two hundred dollars?

Normally I'd feel bad taking two hundred
dollars from my mother, but not today.

Two hundred cupcakes.

I don't want two
hundred cupcakes.

That's because she's giving me
two hundred cupcakes instead.

Maybe that's the problem
with the Big Sisters Club,

is you're using
cupcakes as money.

Share with the neighborhood.

He needs to share that
shirt with somebody else.

Don't eat all those
cupcakes yourself, "Willow."

Let's bow.

Father, we thank you for a
good day on Planet Earth.

Thank you, Father, for being
kind and merciful towards us

and its food that made all this
possible for us, I pray. Amen.

Amen.

The Robertsons are a
proud and confident breed.

We're the type to stand behind
our beliefs and defend our opinions.

But sometimes that pride
can get the best of us.

Jase found out the hard
way that you can't fool Phil

when it comes
to a quality decoy.

And even though I won, it
was still a pretty close game,

which could be a sign that my
glory days are way behind me.

And though it never feels
good to be taken down a notch,

sometimes it's for the best.

Unless you made a 20,000
dollar bet over a piece of plastic.

Hey Jessica be sure
not to choke on your food.

Shut up, Willow.