Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 2 - Induckpendence Day - full transcript

- Who goes first?
- Me.

- You ready for this?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- That's ten.

Man, you rigged this.

- No, I didn't. You got any fives?
- Yeah, you did.

You can't shuffle and then go
first. That's... that's against the rules.

Well, he don't
know how to shuffle.

- Oh it's my turn? All right.
- Yeah.

- What you got?
- I got five.

- It don't work like that.
- Dingleberry.

You don't add them up and put that in
there. Now you've exposed your hand.



In this family, a game of dominoes
is not something we take lightly.

Our version can
get pretty rowdy.

- Ten.
- I wish you'd quit doing that.

The margin of victory
can be determined

on how hard you are
slamming the dominoes.

What are you doing?

I've seen hands broken.

- Ten down.
- Stop it.

Tables shattered.

Twenty.

I've seen people cry.

Quit it.

Men and women.

Whoa!



That was awesome.

I love it.

It's a lot quieter without Si.

- Yeah it is.
- He's a noisemaker.

Speaking of noisemakers,

Willie tell me they're gonna
have a pre-4th of July party.

- What does that mean?
- They're not gonna be in town

4th of July, so they're gonna
have an early 4th of July.

I mean, if you're
gonna do something

twice it may as well
be the 4th of July.

That means there's
two barbeques.

That means there's
two explosions.

Two sets of watermelon.

Getting two grills going.

- Twice the desserts.
- You're gonna need more than two.

Cheesecake.
Strawberries on top of it.

Are you talking about
strawberry shortcake?

Yeah, I'll take that too.

Hey, I hate to interrupt
this exciting game.

You have a huge package.

Huh?

I mean, it's taking up
the entire driveway.

Somebody dropped a package off?

In the driveway.

- What did you get me, babe?
- Oh, I didn't do this.

I can tell it when you're
not telling the truth.

I promise you I did not do this.

But that's what you
would say if you did it.

Maybe it's Legos.

- Huh?
- Hey, let's go see.

- Come see it.
- Babe, you got me a gift?

There's no holiday where
I would give you a present.

- It's just... Come on.
- Let's go see what she got you.

All right.

Put your dominoes
in front of you.

Hate winning dominoes.

I can't believe you
got me a present, babe.

I did not get you this.

You know what this is?

I would love to know.

Fireworks. This is
fireworks from Kansas City

because I did that
community project.

They didn't pay you money?

This is better than money.

This is the gift that goes boom.

When it comes to fireworks...

Hey.

Boom.

Boom.

Bop-bop-bop-bop.

I mean, what can you really say?

I'm trying.

They pretty much
speak for themselves.

There's always one.

- What in the world?
- Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna test the explosives

and then come up with a
display for Willie's party.

You can't do that
right here. Y'all crazy?

- Light it.
- Just light it.

No. There's trees everywhere.

You have to do this in,
like, a field or something.

- We got to sample it.
- So we can actually light these?

- No.
- Yeah.

You think the HOA came
down on burning leaves,

wait till you light
some of these up.

So you're saying we can
actually light these now?

- No. Heck no.
- You know what they're gonna do?

They're gonna come
down here and watch.

You cannot do these in the yard.

All right, look. We will not light it
in the front yard. Are you happy?

- You promise?
- I promise.

- Not the backyard either.
- Not the backyard.

- Okay.
- Then we'll have some fireworks later,

- me and you.
- Only if you don't light them

- here in the yard.
- I give you my word.

- Behave.
- This is gonna be an awesome

pre-4th of July celebration.

Hey, you heard the woman.
Let's tear into these things.

All right, Si. It's your
day. We call you sergeant.

All right. That's
Sergeant Si to you Al.

It's amazing that 24 years in
the army and he can't take orders.

How does that... How
do you even do that?

Look, I don't take orders
except from a commander.

- Okay.
- You don't take orders from me.

I know. Civilian
rankings do not matter.

- I'm your boss.
- Hey, don't matter.

- Hey, guys.
- What about it?

- How are y'all doing?
- Doing good. Now you run this joint?

I do and we're so honored to have
you here thank you for your service.

Thank you for having us

- and honoring our Uncle Si.
- Well thank you for being here.

- Yeah, we're excited.
- Of course. He's a hero.

Yeah. He's some
kind of hero all right.

For this year's 4th of July,
our local VA has decided

to honor Uncle
Si's military service

by giving him his own exhibit at the
Chennault Military and Aviation museum.

Do you have a section
on mental health in there?

- Is that why you put him in the museum?
- Well...

And since today is Si's day
to be honored for his service...

- All right, maggot.
- You're the maggot.

- Why am I the maggot?
- Because.

No matter how crazy or insulting
he gets, I'm just gonna let it go.

I'd like to have you
for about a two weeks.

You would drop 50
pounds the first day.

Plus, I don't want to be on the
receiving end of one of his flashbacks.

Do y'all know much
about this helicopter?

Yeah, I remember those.
Hey, they're a piece of junk.

- This is a Loach helicopter.
- Loach?

The rudeness call Loach: "Okay look,
on the approach it's just like a roach."

- Loach.
- Si, you're just rhyming words.

No, I ain't rhyming words.

It's like a roach coach. You
know what I'm talking about?

Have you ever tried
to kill a cockroach?

What?

Sergeant Si, would you
like to step up in there?

Hey, I thought I would
never hear them words.

All right, private,
you're driving. Come on.

Si, it's kind of small.

Hey, go ahead, open
the door. Crawl over.

- Can they really get in this thing?
- Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm a little claustrophobic.

No. Go ahead and
get in there, son.

Put that on. You're
gonna need that.

- Oh, boy.
- Back up, maggot.

We don't want the blades to
hit you. This is 'Nam, maggot.

You need to get right!

Hey look, Willie don't know
anything about military history, okay?

I don't know why
he's yelling at me.

Hey, you're libel to
leave this earth today!

Hey, these things
is a little tight, Nell.

Hey Willie thinks mustard gas is what
happens when you eat too many hot dogs.

Crank the engines up, boys.

Si, why are you yelling?

Hey, I'm doing it because the
engine make a bunch of racket.

To Willie, hey, the
Battle of the Bulge

that means his daily struggle to
put his pants on in the morning.

Aren't you gonna get in it?

Nah. I'm not
getting in that thing.

Yeah, you look like you're
all right there, mama's boy.

Hey, look, he couldn't even make
it through the scrub scouts, okay?

- Shut the door, boys. Lift off.
- Okay, now I'm getting claustrophobic.

All right, he's getting
claustrophobic, open the door.

I'm sure one of these
will fire it up. Let's see.

That's for the radio, generator
out. Bypass air, oil chips... Oil chips?

- No, not that one.
- I'm getting queasy.

There are no barf bags in this
helicopter. Suck it up, private.

Are you feeling a little
claustrophobic up there?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

That's the reason a man carries a .45.
Shoot the man that's fixing to throw up.

- Abort.
- Set this puppy down.

Are you sure you want
to have a Si exhibit?

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

All right. For outdoor use only.

We're good there.

Do not hold in hand.

- No hand.
- You'll burn your hand off.

But it does say "shoots
flaming fireballs."

- Hmm...
- Oh, that's good.

- Hey, bottle rockets.
- Oh, yeah.

- Give me one.
- When we were kids,

we used to have
bottle rocket wars.

All right. I'm gonna
set one of these off.

I've been blowing up
things my entire life.

Everybody would have an old bottle
where you take your bottle rockets...

Hey, you're not
listening to my story.

I'm not listening to
anything you say.

So if there's anyone that can design
a fireworks display for Willie's party,

it's me.

We would run and you
would shoot at human beings.

- I know it. Give me that lighter.
- How did I live? Where's the lighter?

We are on the brink of creating

one of the greatest
fireworks displays imaginable.

What in the world?

Whoa.

Jason Silas.

- Hey.
- Uh-oh. Ohh...

I thought I said no
fireworks in the front yard.

These two guys
are the one that lit it

and I didn't even know
he was gonna do it.

These things light
themselves really.

- I could have been shot.
- This is not a good place to test it.

HOA. Does that ring a bell?

They need to take
that up with Uncle Sam.

Then they can take it
up with Captain America.

- We are endowed by our creator.
- Oh, gosh, here we go.

All right. It's all on
you. It's all on you.

Inalienable rights.

- I'm out.
- Among these are life,

liberty and the
pursuit of happiness.

Don't get us kicked
out of the neighborhood.

Babe, fireworks makes us happy.

Captain 'Merica.

This plane actually
flew in Vietnam.

It was one of the main
bombers in Vietnam.

Look here, it ain't no
telling how many missions

that plane right there flew
on the Ho Chi Minh trail.

Si, you know, when
I was a kid I seriously

thought about
being a fighter pilot.

You couldn't have
been no fighter pilot.

I could have been a fighter
pilot. I had 20-20 vision.

I look cool in sunglasses.

Plus, he had a
need for speed, boys.

♪ Highway to my danger zone ♪

Just cause you know "highway to

the danger zone"
doesn't make you a pilot.

Hey look, he could have
been a pilot there, maggot.

Can I get up in the
cockpit on that one?

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, boy.

I don't think you need
to get in the cockpit,

but you can sure look in it.

- Okay, boys, let's look.
- Don't tear anything up.

Hey, you couldn't come up
here. You see the weight capacity?

You overrule it.

Good grief, no way! You need to see
what's on the other side of this thing.

I'm serious. Come over here.

That right there is what you
call an "Army Deuce and a Half."

- Is that one you drove?
- Yeah, just like that.

Hey, this brings back
some good memories.

You know it's kind of like, hey, you
drive along, you stop in town somewhere

and hey, guess what? Hey.
Here's a long-time girlfriend.

You know, years back,
high school sweetheart.

- Nell, does that thing run?
- Sure.

Is it all right if I drive
around a little bit?

Why not.

- No, Nell, that's a bad idea.
- What are you talking about?

- You don't want to do that.
- Hey, I'll be right down.

We're gonna take
that puppy for a spin.

And hey, you recognize
her and you say,

"Good grief, how are
you, you old heifer?

Yeah, it's good seeing you."

All right, Private Al, jump
in the right seat there, son.

You stay here, maggot.

If you call me maggot
one more time...

Hey, drop and give me 25.

"Hey look, I bet you don't
probably purr like a kitten anymore.

How about we take a ride
for old time's sake anyway?"

All right.

Hey maggot, make sure Miss
Nell don't get run over there.

Hi-ho soldier, away.

Are you sure you're
good with him driving that?

I mean, he could
run over somebody.

I hope not.

I think that's top speed.

Now don't pull out in
front... Ooh! Oh, boy.

Uh-oh.

Get out of the road, you idiot!

Si, watch out for that
curb. Watch out for that...

Oh, I got the curb.

Hey.

Fire it up.

This is about as
profesh as it gets.

What?

Profesh.

Professional.

Look. Setting off
fireworks is about timing.

It'll be one, two,
three on the light.

You don't go one,
two, three, then light.

One, two.

- Light.
- Ignition.

All right.

And the best way to get the timing
right is to use a good fuse system.

One...

And once it's designed...

two...

All you got to do
is light the fuse.

Three.

Which any idiot can do.

Oh no.

Godwin!

Don't put mine
out. There you go.

Fireballs.

- Yours broke in half.
- Fireballs.

Ahh!

Too fast, too fast. I won.

You don't want to go fast on
this one, you want to go slow.

- That looks cool.
- Mine's fast.

- Yeah. Look.
- Oh look, squeakers.

- The other one's coming boys.
- Here it goes.

Kabloosh!

Oh, hey.

Whistlers. Whistlers.

- That's all.
- I expected more.

- I did too.
- Here we go.

Saving the best for last.
That's what's happening.

If we use that fuse it's gonna
be July 5th before it goes off.

We can't use that.

Come on baby, come
on. Come on, come on.

There it is. It's fixing
to go, it's fixing to go.

- Anticipation's killing me.
- There it is!

What about that?

That's not a squeaker.

That was kind of a dud.

That was the crescendo.

You need to give
those to some kids.

Welcome to the Chennault
Aviation Military Museum.

We have all wars from World War I
through Iraqi Freedom represented here.

But of course this museum
is a little bit different

because we honored the men who
served and not just the wars themselves.

And we are here to have the unveiling
of the Silas Merritt Robertson exhibit.

My place in a museum, you know,

that's, uh...

You know, I'm really
worthy to be in a museum.

I didn't do nothing
extraordinary, okay?

I give to you the Silas
Meritt Robertson exhibit.

But then I got to
thinking about it.

Everybody should be in a
museum, okay, that served.

You know, that's my take on it.

First and foremost, okay, I'm
looking at the audience, okay,

and there's a lot of fellow
soldiers out there, okay?

Appreciate every one
of you, your service.

This is kind of a
humbling thing, okay,

because as a child growing up, my
heroes were military men and women.

My picture in there,
that's every one of you.

When they see me, they
see every private, okay?

Every soldier
that's ever served.

To actually have anything with
my name on it in a military museum,

to say I'm blown away
is an understatement.

The military was the best
thing that ever happened to me.

I actually kind of grew
up a little bit, okay.

And with that said, look, I want to
say a prayer for our veterans, okay?

Everybody bow
with me if you would.

Father, we come to you now
and, uh, I would like to lift up

all those that
served in our military

and especially those
that don't make it back.

But for those that do
make it back, Father,

please help us
to do a better job

of trying to help them heal their
mind, their body and their soul.

Because we've sent them off to
war, Father. They've done their part.

And Father, I ask this through
Jesus, our savior. Amen.

Amen.

Hey look, we got
one thing left, okay.

4th of July celebration and I'm
giving the kids Deuce and a Half rides.

Oh, yeah!

I'm giving kids Deuce and
a Half rides. All they want.

Excuse me.

The Deuce and a Half
will be running, kids.

Does he still have the keys?

Godwin, how much of that
watermelon are you eating today?

Hm, I don't know. We blew a
bunch of them up, so maybe one.

You blew a bunch of them up?

All right, everybody
bring it in.

- Got any more?
- No.

Take a knee if you want to.

All right, I have prepared
a subtle combustible

form of entertainment
in celebration of July 4th.

- Whoo-hoo.
- Whoo-hoo.

For this fireworks display,
I've taken every firework

and black powder
that we had left...

You sure you know
what you're doing, Jase?

Oh, yeah. I got this covered.

And assembled the
dream fireworks display.

Everything has been tested
and found to be very explosive...

yet safe.

Safety first, boys.

Si, you're the most
dangerous person I know.

- What are you talking about?
- You make your own napalm.

That's right. Always
safety first, boys, okay.

- That makes sense.
- No, it makes good sense.

- All right...
- Safety first, okay.

This display is gonna
be such a monster,

it'll probably give
the kids nightmares...

in a good way.

If anything happens to me,
I wanna be buried at sea.

Jase, I see the fireworks. It
ain't gonna be that big of a deal.

I'm just saying,
just you never know.

Hey, go ahead and light the fuse
dummy. I want to see how fast you can run.

All right here we go.

Boom!

Hey, we know how
Jase loves a little danger.

I'm trying to put a little
danger into this thing for him.

Let there be light. Whoa!

Run for your life!

Ahh!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yeah!

Finally! I said the
ducks are running, boys.

Yep, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Okay.

- We're getting somewhere now.
- Wait for it.

The big finish, boys.

Wait for it!

- They're making some noise.
- Oh, is that it? Oh, good gravy.

- That's it.
- That's all that was left?

- That's it.
- Crescendo.

- We kind of got carried.
- We had a little fun.

- A little?
- This is the worst fireworks show

- I've ever been to.
- Well, thanks for watching the show.

Good job, babe.

All right, I've got an
announcement myself.

We have another fireworks show.

If that was the Little River
show, this will be the Godwin.

Ooh!

It's gonna bring the house down.

Hey, it's about time we got a real
fireworks display around this joint.

Yeah, this one I warned the
fire department we were doing.

Ooh!

From the looks of
Jase's little sparkler show,

you'd think this was my
family's first 4th of July.

Let me show you all how
to do a fireworks show.

Jase may not know how
to celebrate, but I sure do.

And I want to make
this extra special

because of Si being
honored for his service.

Burn it down.

Burn it down. I like it.

Maybe we shouldn't go that far.

What better way to celebrate
both our nation and our crazy uncle

than with an ungodly
amount of explosives.

- All right, here we go.
- Whoo! All right let's see this.

July 4th is the time of year

when we celebrate
the birth of our country

and the basic principle it
was founded on: Freedom.

That includes the freedom
to say what we want.

Like your uncle
calling you a maggot.

Or the freedom to
do what we want.

Like setting off a
crate full of fireworks.

And for this year's 4th, we
had the opportunity to celebrate

the protectors of our freedom.

Thank you to all who have
served to protect this great country

and God bless America
on this great day.

Booyah!

- There's some napalm for ya, boys.
- That ain't napalm, Si.

Hey, at ease there, maggot.