Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 1 - Grooming the Groom - full transcript

- This place is gorgeous.
- I love this place.

Look at all this stuff.

What are you gonna get them, Si?

Good grief. Fifteen
dollars for a glass bell.

First time you hit it, it's
gone. Busted. Piece of junk.

I'm so proud to announce that my
baby John Luke recently got engaged.

I want to get him like a whole bedroom
suit. They got some beautiful ones.

Aw, man it's so much to see.

And to celebrate
we're throwing him and

his fiancé Mary Kate
a big couples shower.

All right, here it is. Right here.
Perfect gift. Horns, look at that.



I don't think they need
any of those horns.

This drinking mug.

It's a special time for the whole
family and everyone's getting involved.

Get him that rawhide.

That's got Mary
Kate written all over it.

That's creepy.

Even Si. OK to the bedding side.

- Get that guard dog.
- Si.

- Buy this swan.
- Si.

- Look here. What about a set of birds?
- Si, come on.

Shopping with him can
be a bit of a challenge.

Oh, this is it. What
do you think Sadie?

That's really cute. It
looks like Mary Kate.

It does. Doesn't it? I
love it. It's really pretty.



That's too little. If she's going to go
that way, hey, get 'em the bunk beds.

Si, this is the floor model.
We're getting them a king size.

King size? They're kids.

Get them bunk beds. That
way they can grow up...

Don't you need to go find
them something to buy?

Well, I mean, yeah.

You can check the
registry at the front.

I've already checked it.

They're dreaming
what they got in there.

OK.

- Si, I need to help you find a gift.
- All right, well lets go find me a gift.

Thank you.

Make sure you
don't get goose down.

When they run out of goose down they
put pigeon feathers and seagulls sometimes.

- OK?
- OK.

That's a rip off.

Mary Kate I'm out of girly aprons
but you can use Jep's apron.

- Is that OK?
- Yeah, works for me.

Mary Kate, I'm glad you're going to be
the next addition to the Robertson clan.

What better way to start,
honey, than to learn how to cook

my famous crawfish étoufée.

I'm excited. I like to cook.

In this family, food is
extremely important.

If you're a Robertson woman
and you don't know how to cook

you're going to be ridiculed
and teased for the rest of your life.

How long have y'all been
dating, you and John Luke?

Almost a year.

We're here to make sure Mary
Kate gets a fighting chance.

We're going to take his tail
off. This is kind of like marriage.

- And look see this part right here?
- Ooh, gross.

That's basically the crap...

in your marriage.
Get rid of the crap.

Got it.

I just hope Phil doesn't scare her
off before they actually tie the knot.

- You're pretty good at that.
- Thank you.

Mary Kate, was John Luke
nervous when he asked you?

He was. He was a little shakey.

Aw.

Now, this was Jep's line.

We were doing a Bible study at
Phil and Kay's house by ourself,

and he just looked at me
and said this is ridiculous.

I was like, "What?" "I think we should
just get married." And I was like, "OK."

Being married to a Robertson
man is not always romantic.

That was it. And two
weeks later we were married.

- Two weeks later?
- Two weeks later.

But it is always an adventure.

Well Jase did kind of ask me.

This was his question: "Well
you're gonna marry me aren't yah?

A little cocky there.

That sounds like Jase,
I'm not going to lie.

And I said yeah.

And that was it.

And the truth is
romance can be nice,

but it does not compare
with the truly committed

and loving life-long marriage
with the man you love.

Got to always keep
the big picture in mind,

and thank goodness Miss Kay did that
when she was married to Phil years ago.

Oh, she's a patient woman...

- Yes, she is.
- Mary Kay.

But I've looked at John Luke and
he's a better young man than I was

when I was his age,
no doubt about it.

You chose wisely, I think, Mary
Kate. John Luke is a good boy.

Yeah he is.

John Luke, look away.

A happy Gilmore. You
don't want to see this. Ugly.

Uh-huh.

Now I'm ready.

Oh!

Well, that's a big swing
for not much carry.

All right, me and
John Luke against y'all.

Well, it's official my son is on his
way to becoming a married man.

And who better to serve as a welcoming
committee than me and my brothers.

There's a wolf down in
you. You got to let him out.

That's why I have
a wolf head cover.

And between the three of us,
we should be able to show him

how much fun us
married guys can have.

All right, John
Luke, line it up.

Just make good contact.

Anytime you're ready.

Unleash the wolf.

- Uh-oh.
- Ooh.

All right, don't count
that, that was a warm up.

Plus the boy could use
some work on his golf game.

Uh-oh. He drop kicked
it right down the middle.

It's just like in
marriage: you got to do

what you got to do
to get in the middle.

All right, John Luke, on
a scale from one to ten,

ten being the most nervous,
how nervous are you?

One, two maybe.

No.

I say you're a nine.

- Hmm.
- It's all right to be nervous.

- Talking about golf right?
- No we're talking about marriage.

Really, John Luke,
marriage is about surfing.

- Oh, good grief.
- Surfing.

The water represents life
and the dangers it poses,

whereas your lady
friend is the board.

You got to keep on top
of her and ease her along.

That's deep.

As deep as the ocean.

Jep, you don't even surf.

Yeah I do. I surfed in Hawaii.

One time?

Yes. Jessica was a lot
better at it than I was.

Mary Kate, I'm curious. Did John
Luke go and ask your dad for your hand?

- He did.
- He did?

He did. He went several
weeks before he proposed.

That's how I trained him.

Oh, please, Jason didn't
even know about that.

He had no clue so I told him he had
to ask my dad for my hand in marriage.

He didn't even know
what hand in marriage was.

I married into the Robertson
family almost 25 years ago.

And back, then things were
a little harder for this family.

We didn't eat this well
when we were first married.

We weren't as
blessed as we are now.

We ate a lot of fried potatoes.

They were cheap
and they are good.

But even through
all our struggles,

I can say that I have
been very blessed

by being part of
such a loving family.

I actually called Miss
Kay one time, crying,

and she kept asking
me what was wrong.

I didn't want to tell her
that I was mad at her son.

But I finally came out and
did it and she asked me why

and I told her the whole
argument and she agreed with me.

I knew right then I had
married to the right family.

There you go.

Been there and done that too.

Now that Mary Kate's becoming a
Robertson she is in for a wild ride.

So Mary Kate, welcome
to the Robertson clan.

I'm excited to be joining it.

- I'm really thankful for y'all.
- Aww.

All right lets go get ready for
the shower. My hands are stinky.

Look at this. Here's
one right here.

Si, you don't even
know what's in there.

I know.

Look if I don't know what's in
there, it will definitely be a surprise

for Mary Kate and John Luke.

Good grief.

Hey, look if we're
shopping for newlyweds,

hey, we're shopping
in the wrong store.

Look, that's what I'm going
to get for them, right there.

Now that would be a better
wedding gift than a shower gift.

What do you mean? I
got to buy them two gifts?

- Sure.
- Forget that.

Look they don't need a bunch of
fancy dishes and decoration, OK.

Look, they're just kids.

Oh, put that up
before you break it.

Look they need something practical.
OK like a phone book so they can get jobs.

I got it Kay, I got it.

Look, "John Luke and Mary Kate."

Put it on top of their house.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Si.
- What?

"Please ask for
assistance with letters."

All right you're going
to assist me, OK?

What?

I got it figured out.

I'll use this oar, and look,

I'll knock it off
and you catch it.

- Let me see what these things cost.
- All right, hold it. I can get it.

- Oh my goodness.
- What?

They're $50 dollars apiece.

They're what?

Fifty dollars apiece.

No.

Not for that price.

Maybe they'll go
on sale one day.

No I know the perfect thing to get
them and it won't cost that much.

The squat position.

Jep, that's, uh...
that's embarrassing.

- I got to see my line.
- John Luke?

Do not see her...

from now until the wedding day.

I didn't see Missy
for three months.

- What does that have to do with golf?
- It builds anticipation.

If it's more exciting that
your wife doesn't see you,

then you may have a problem.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa Jep.

That didn't count
you were talking.

There's no malignance
just like marriage. Mm-hm.

Well I thought this golfing trip
would be good for John Luke,

but clearly, I totally
underestimated

the amount of stupid advice
my brothers would be giving.

All right John Luke
keep your head down.

Don't keep your head down.

If the poor kid wasn't nervous
about getting married before,

he definitely is now.

If there's anything that
you don't like about her...

Pipe down.

It's going to get
ten times worse.

I know they mean well, but there's
a fine line between helpful tips...

It's all in the hips and marriage is
the same thing. It's all in the hips.

Jep. And way too
much information.

My honeymoon night was a
bit like a biology experiment.

- Ooh.
- Why did you put that in his head?

Did y'all dissect frogs?

And they crossed that
line about ten holes ago.

- Jess would be taking a bath.
- Jep.

- You put on R. Kelly's "Bump N' Grind."
- Jep.

- Sensual oils.
- Jep, shut up.

- That's how you have kids.
- Oh, my god.

The poor kid's so overwhelmed
with confusing advice...

You do the opposite of what you
think which is a good idea in marriage.

It's throwing his
golf game totally off.

Oh, crap.

- Ew.
- Uh oh.

All right.

Watch out.

- OK.
- OK.

John Luke!

You know what
this reminds me of.

Jase, shut up with the advice.

- Marriage.
- Oh, crap.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh my goodness. This is awesome.
- Do you like it?

- Thank y'all.
- You're welcome.

- It's so beautiful.
- Isn't this exciting?

- I can't believe it.
- I know I can't either.

- It's crazy.
- I know.

After a lot of planning and
preparations the time has finally come

to celebrate John Luke and
Mary Kate's engagement.

Can you believe your
baby boy is getting married?

- No. I can't believe it.
- Next comes babies.

No, no, no, don't rush
that. Don't rush that.

Hey I'll take some grandbabies.

I am just overwhelmed by how generous
and supportive the entire family's been.

It's crazy. I can't
believe we're there.

You're going to
cry. I'm going to cry.

Yeah, I know I want to look at all
these pictures and like take it all in.

After watching our kids grow up together
I think Missy and Jess really understand

exactly what I'm feeling today, and
I'm happy that we're sharing it together.

The last big wedding we
had was Phil and Kay's.

Do you remember how fun
that was? Kay, wasn't that fun?

Mm-hm.

We did your vow renewal
and you renewed your vows.

Mm. Good isn't it?

- It was beautiful. I love that.
- Mm-hm.

- Don't you love it.
- Hey. everybody.

- Hey, Si.
- Oh, Si.

All right, where do
we put these gifts?

Put it at this table.

This is your gift? I mean.

- Is that a trash bag?
- No.

- A trash bag you got this out of the...
- That is not a trash bag.

That's a brown paper bag that
you carry groceries home in.

Kay what are you
eating over there?

Salsa and chips and crab
cakes. All kind of good stuff.

All right, boys. I
worked up a hunger.

Look the best thing about
parties, OK, is the food.

- Don't double dip.
- Double dip watch.

Look, I don't care
who's birthday it is

or whatever we're
celebrating, it's about the food.

Can't get it in your
beard if you wanted to.

Look. I'm eating
here. As long as there's

plenty of snacks,
hey, I'll be there.

Si your beard is tinted orange.

That's because I'm hot.

OK.

I'm restraining myself
from drinking this.

It's just good salsa though.

Look, but I will be busy eating,
so, hey, don't try to talk to me.

Si, you might better
clean up that beard.

You're not going to make a very
good impression on Mary Kate's family.

What you see is what you get.

You know, hey, welcome
to the family, darling.

- Oh, hey.
- Oh, there's the bride.

I'm so excited.

Let me see that
baby. How are you?

- Good. How are you doing?
- Welcome.

- Thank you.
- Hey. Hey there, buddy. Oh!

After John Luke and Mary Kate
got engaged I've had the pleasure

of spending more time
with Mary Kate's family.

Willie just texted. He said
they should be here any minute.

So let's go ahead and eat and
they'll get here when they get here.

- So dig in.
- The food looks so good.

Where's the knife
for the tenderloin?

Mary Kate is so sweet, and once
you meet her family you see why.

- All right, boys, here we go.
- What you been cutting with that.

Hey, I ain't cutting nothing with
it. It's clean. I just sharpened it.

All right, I'll leave my knife up
there, y'all can cut it with that.

And now that they're officially
going to be joining our family,

it's time that they get to know
the rest of the Robertson's.

Once they all get here that is.

Where's John Luke?

They're golfing so they're
not going to be on time.

That's one thing you have to learn
about being a Robertson woman,

is you always wait
on the Robertson man.

Amen to that.

They'll show up in the nick of time,
just like Jase did with Cole's birth.

I mean barely made
it. Remember that Kay?

Yeah, I drove the car, and
Nascar has nothing on me.

Hello.

Speak of the devil.

Thanks for waiting on us.

We know you'd wait on us.

- I got you a plate babe.
- Are y'all ready to open presents?

- Yeah.
- Amen to that.

When you get married
you quickly learn

that you're not just
marrying one person,

you're marrying
the entire family.

- Ooh.
- That's from me and Dad.

- I love it.
- Oh.

It's a Moroccan wedding
blanket. It's for good luck.

All right, let's get
them Moroccan.

So it's great to have this time for
our family and Mary Kate's family

to get to know each
other a little better.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Hey Korie wanted to
know what those are for.

- Baking.
- Thank you, Confucius.

In the spirit of getting to know each
other we'll lay it all out on the table.

Y'all are going to need that.

Thanks.

They're newlyweds. Things
are fixing to get hot around here.

- Aww!
- Hey.

Crazy Uncle and all.

OK, that's it. That's
all the presents.

- Thank you.
- All right, thank you.

All right, let's eat.

Think Jess has
something planned for us.

Everybody, I have a surprise.

- Is it dinner?
- It's going to be fun.

Everybody I have a surprise.

We're going to play
the newlywed game!

Awesome.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

Well, OK then, I'll
volunteer to be the host of it.

OK, Si is going to
ask you a question.

Sometimes it's about the woman,
sometimes it’s about the man.

But your answers are
supposed to be the same.

Yours has to match
what Missy's would say,

Missy has to match with
yours and you get one point.

And at the end, we'll see
who has the most points.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

You know, hey, look, game
show, it runs in my blood.

First question: if your husband was
an animal what animal would he be?

Look there's certain qualities you must
possess, OK, to be a game show host.

Now wait a minute. So I was...

- Just a simple question.
- Can we ask like?

Just a simple, simple question.

Number one: you got
to have the personality.

I give you an example if my wife
was here she would put Bengal tiger.

Number two: you
got to be handsome.

Ooh.

Check.

I said a horse.

- Why a horse?
- OK.

A very thin horse.

Number three: you can't be afraid to
call contestants out when they're wrong.

- Buck deer.
- Wrong.

Lion, king of the jungle.

It don't matter how you're
wrong you're just wrong.

Check. Bong! Bon! Wrong!

Bong! Wrong!

Ding ding. Bong! wrong!

Boo yah! Bong! Bong! Bong!

Move over Pat Sajak, OK.
There's a new host in town.

All right, here's a question.

If your husband was a superhero,
what would be his super power?

Oh.

He's a superhero. So he's
got to have a super power.

- This is hard.
- You're on the clock again.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock,
tick tock. All right we ready?

No.

All right, Phil and Kay.

Oh, I said he can
fly me anywhere,

like my favorite shoe store.

It's hard to believe our whole
family started with just Kay and Phil.

All right, Willie and Korie.

Jedi mind tricks.

Jedi mind tricks?

Over the years our family has
definitely had its ups and downs.

This is kind of similar.
Talk to animals.

What?

- What if you communicated with animals?
- Why didn't I think of that?

But Kay and Phil stuck it
out and showed their sons

how real love, commitment
and forgiveness works.

I said flying.

Flying, oh. Dah-dah!

I'd like to be able to fly.

We both put "flying".

Now after all these
years I'm proud to

see that my son is
honoring the same values

that held our family together:

love and commitment,
and lots of laughs too.

Bonk! Correct!

All right, look
here, final question.

And hey, hey, this is a
game changer here, folks.

Where did you first kiss?

You better know this, buddy.

And we'll start with
Miss Kay and Phil.

In the car at the Home
Made after a football game.

Home Made would
be the ice cream joint.

Eat ice cream, kiss,
eat ice cream, kiss.

Now what did you put?

Home Made.

Five points!

It's bittersweet watching your
son grow up but I feel so fortunate

that John Luke has
grown up in such a big

loving family with so
many happy couples.

All right, Jason and Missy.

Behind our youth
minister's house.

Behind youth minister's house.

I know it's a crazy question,
but what are you doing

- behind the guys house?
- Well...

- We were kissing.
- Kissing.

I look around at all the faces
and see all the love and support

for John Luke and
Mary Kate today.

Moving onto the newlyweds.

My house.

- Her house.
- Her house.

Is that when I caught y'all?

Not that... It wasn't that time.

And I know he's going to
have a wonderful marriage too.

It's a good thing these
two are getting married.

So we have two winners:

John Luke and Mary
Kate and Bruce and Sherri.

All right let's eat.

How about some of my famous
étoufée? Can I get a witness, Si?

Yes, amen.

- All right!
- All right!

All right, before we hit
this crawfish étoufée,

John Luke, why don't you
offer a good prayer for us there.

Yes sir. Lord, thank you
for all these blessings.

Lord we ask for your help with
our marriage for the rest of our lives

and we thank you for this food.

- In Christ's name, amen.
- Amen.

All right, boys, dig in.

It was 23 years ago when I
married the girl of my dreams

and we started our wild
and crazy journey together.

And now that my son John Luke
is about to start his own journey

with the girl of his dreams,
it's only natural to wonder

what advice you can give
to help prepare them for it.

But the truth is, when
your child finds the person

he wants to spend
the rest of his life with,

the best gift you can give
him is your love and support.

You can throw them parties
and shower them with gifts,

and you can give them all the
marriage advice in the world.

But none of it is going to prepare
them for the journey to come,

not even a fire extinguisher.

John Luke, you know
what étoufée reminds me of?

- Don't say marriage.
- Marriage.

Good grief.