Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 10 - Sweet Home Louisiana - full transcript

So what do you remember?

I remember we were hunting,
and I reached down to get my bow.

They said I crumpled up for five
minutes, shaking real violently.

All your hair was in your face. You
had, like, slobber all over your beard.

And you looked at me like
you had no idea who I was.

- Do you have any memory of that?
- No.

A couple weeks ago, I
had a really bad seizure.

Actually, multiple seizures.
For, like, five minutes.

When we didn't even know, a
week ago, if he was gonna make it...

that's when I thought, "Oh, my
goodness. I could lose my best friend."

You know? And so I thought...



Sorry.

That's when I thought I
just want him to get better.

The amount of support that
we had coming in the hospital...

and all the friends and
family and the prayers...

and all our fans that, you
know, sent so many letters.

It meant so much.

It— It spoke volumes to me.

And I woke up four
days later in the hospital...

to see Dad at
the end of the bed.

He goes, "Did you see
a light?" I said, "Nope."

He said, "You may
have a problem."

That's right. That's right.

You didn't see the light, you
better change your ways there, boy.

I do feel a lot better. I
know it's a scary thing.



But honestly, the best
form of medicine is laughter.

So I'm just getting over it
the best way I know how.

We're laughing now, but it
was not— - It was not funny.

- It was not funny.
- Kind of funny.

- So, Jep, what did they think you had?
- Meningitis and encephalitis.

- I think it was a tick.
- Oh, here we go now.

I'm thinking tick.
That's me, personally.

- You think it's a tick?
- Think it's a tick?

- Tick or mosquito.
- So what's the doctor saying now, Jep?

Personally, I
think it was a tick.

He said I should be fine.
May take a couple of weeks.

But I'm just ready to be in my
home with my big screen TV.

- Did y'all get the big screen TV?
- Not yet.

- Oh, man.
- We'll get it.

When do you get to move in?

We just need to decorate.
I want it to be ready.

- We're ready to help you decorate.
- You will?

Of course. Yes.

- You don't mind me leaving?
- No.

- Since your mama's taking care of you?
- I don't mind.

- Mama will be right here for him.
- Whatever you need.

- We will move y'all in the house.
- Whatever you need.

Actually, for four days, I've
dreamed about smoked meat.

Willie will get your
smoker. Where is it?

- It's in my storage locker.
- Hey. Hang on. That smoker's heavy.

Huh?

Okay. Here's the thing.

I'm really happy my little brother
is moving into my neighborhood.

Especially after
everything that's happened.

The movers can get it, right?

However, that doesn't mean I want my wife
to volunteer me for moving heavy objects.

No, Willie. We'll
get the smoker.

Al, you ain't moved a piece
of furniture your whole life.

Hey, this is smoked
meats, and this is important.

This is what kids are for.
Spry, limber-back kids.

I'm not even sure I can
touch my toes anymore.

- Here's what I say.
- Tick.

- No.
- A mosquito.

- No.
- The women decorate.

Willie gets the smoker. We
get the TV. Everybody's happy.

We're all happy now,
but the bottom line is...

- ticks carry all these diseases.
- Here we go.

Life is pretty tenuous
at best. You know it, Al?

- Absolutely.
- What does that mean?

All right, Al. Offer
us a prayer of thanks

for old Jep, for the
Almighty raisin' him up.

Father, we—we do give you
all the glory for Jep's recovery.

We can laugh about it and
sort of do as we do as a family...

but we don't take away the
severity of everything it was...

and so just pray you'll bless him in
the future to continue to be strong.

Bless Jep and Jessica and
their house as well. We love you.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

Amen!

We love you, Jep. Welcome home.

I think it was a tick.

- Where is it?
- The road signs are not on the map.

- How dumb is that?
- They're not?

No, they're not. It's
just a bunch of cubes.

I think we're here. You know what would
be helpful, if it had a "You are here."

- Where the heck—
- All right. Hold on.

If we could just miniaturize ourselves,
like we're in there just walking around.

- Imagine that.
- We are miniaturized in this building.

Yeah, but not in the map.

Yup. There were
drugs involved with this.

You know, the
concept of metal bins...

so people can put
their junk in 'em...

Let's face it. Whoever came up
with that idea, they're smoking dope.

Like where do the roads go?
Do the numbers match up? No.

Do the roads go anywhere? No.

I'm thinking cocaine.

Walking around, looking at the
ground, mumbling, smoking the herb.

What does drugs have to
do with a storage locker?

You ever watch that show Cops?

This is where
they keep the dope.

It's either a drug-induced
phenomena...

or something coming out of
the United States government.

They're whacked
out. I'm telling you.

I call 'em idiots,
but that's just me.

All right. You ready?

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

- It's gonna be good.
- Da-da-da-da?

- Whoa, ho, ho.
- Are you freaking kidding me?

Mm-hmm.

I tell you, Al. I'm kind of
worried about old "Jeppico."

No, he's— He's doing— He's good.

- He's out of the woods.
- I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about
what I'm seeing here.

This is full-blown hoarder.

Uptown hoarding. You
know what I'm saying?

- Maybe it's in this next one.
- There's more than one?

Could be right here
in the front of this one.

Or not.

Yep. Serious problems.

Need to have a little
talk with Jep there, Al.

Look at you as a brunette.
Oh, my goodness. And Jep.

- Oh, look at these.
- Oh!

- Right in time.
- Look at Sadie.

- That's so cute.
- Where do you want this?

- Does it matter?
- Nope. Right there is good.

What's the goal here?

We're trying to get the
house ready for Jep.

- This has gotta be this way.
- I know, but, I mean, what's...

When are—When are we done?

- To get it comfortable for him
so he can just relax and rest.

Yeah. It's not gonna be completely
finished, but we just want...

All he does is sit around
and play video games.

- He's not gonna care.
- Now.

It's just an overall
feeling of homeyness.

Hey. It flows.

- This is close enough.
- Jase.

We're gonna make
it look homey for Jep.

Of all the things
that men care about...

decorations are not on the list.

A hundred years ago— People,
they just built a roof. No electricity.

You have a putting green in
your backyard and a waterfall.

And you're sitting here talking
about us overdoing it? Really?

Men, they don't care about
the decorations on the wall.

- You got the essentials here.
- You have a wall, great.

That's all I'm worried about.

Look. If you want a few
amenities, okay, great.

A putting green
is a few amenities.

And your water feature.

If you catch me
staring at a wall...

there's way bigger
problems than decorations.

He has a roof. He has a couch.

All he needs is a TV. Perfect.

First of all, he's not gonna plop down
there. We have to move that couch.

So that's one thing we
absolutely have to do.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Si?

You don't want to move
the couch, all right?

You'll interrupt the "funk
shooey" of the room.

- What is that?
- Funk shooey. The flow of it.

- Funk?
- He's saying "funk." Like "funk shooey."

That's a decorating term for
y'all. I know y'all don't know it.

I ain't got time to take
you to decorating school.

Jase, don't you need
Si's help getting that TV?

- Mm-hmm.
- Not really.

- Go get the TV.
- You go help.

- Do what?
- Si, you and me.

- All right. Let's go get the TV.
- We're leaving.

- Come on, you bunch of goons.
- Get on up!

Hey!

- There's no doorknob
on these stupid doors!

- I'm getting those tomorrow.
- Good grief!

Will, you see anything?

Tell you what. He has
got a bunch of junk.

I never dreamed they
have this much stuff.

- Hey.
- So if it's not here, where is it?

- Look at this crap.
- Must be the kids' toys.

Actually, it says "Jep's toys."

What do you call
them ninja sticks?

Nunchakus.

Out of your offspring, you know, how
many of the four are actually normal?

You want to say, "All four
of them are normal boys"...

but then you open up your
youngest son's storage bin...

and you observe a Care Bear.

- This pretty much sums up his life.
- Yep.

Yeah.

Youngest one, see?
Maybe a little smothering

going on there along
with the mothering.

You look like a Sith Lord.

Whoa.

- Oh, shoot!
- All right.

That's all of it.

Couple of 'em are normal.

Clumsy he is, hmm.

You know, 50%—
Hey, I can live with it.

Okay.

I just can't believe, with all
this junk, the smoker's not here.

It's probably still
at his old house.

Well, let's look at the next
locker, and we'll find out.

- The what?
- The other locker.

- There's a whole nother locker like this?
- Yeah.

You didn't say there was another locker.
You said two. You said 255 and 254.

And 237.

Well, good night.
That's where it is.

Give me the keys. I'm
gonna go check it out.

Looking in the wrong spot here.

I mean, we could have not taken out
all this crap and at least looked at it.

- I thought it'd be here first.
- What is it? 237?

- You need my map?
- No, I don't need your stupid map.

It's right over here, you idiot.

Whoa.

- We found it.
- Really?

I can smell it already.

All right. Come
on, boys. Let's go.

What are we stopping here for?

- I thought we was picking up Jep's TV.
- Trust me.

The last time I trusted
you, you sunk the boat.

Si, that was not my fault.

Before picking up
Jep's TV, I thought we

could stop and pick him
up something special.

Especially after everything
he's been through.

This is where you find
the diamonds in the rough.

Emphasis on "rough."

Our local auction house is the
obvious choice to make that happen.

500 now, five and a half.

Could have been John
Wayne's. Give me 800.

This place has a lot of
weird stuff. Jep's weird.

So it's basically a can't-miss.

All right. I like
that. I like that.

Si, I don't think you're supposed
to be handling all the merchandise.

What are you talking about? I'm
gonna buy this and put it on Sweet Pea...

and my grandkids can ride him.

- What do you think?
- I think you're gonna kill your cat.

You need to think Jep.
Don't think Si and Sweet Pea.

Hey. This is cool.

$1,200 be all?
1,200 now. Quarter.

- Twelve and a quarter. Now half.
- What are you doing?

Hey. Y'all read hieroglyphics— -

Hey.

- Sold to the man in the glasses.
- Hey, I didn't bid on this thing.

But you'll have a bill
for it when you leave.

- This started well.
- Yeah.

Hey, look. If you ain't got nothing
to do on Friday or Saturday night...

an auction is a great
place for entertainment.

Next item up for bid will be
this nice Coleman cooler lamp.

But look. You gotta be
thinking the mind-set of hey...

you're actually
fighting a grizzly bear.

- I want to try to get this lamp.
- You gonna bid on it?

You gotta make your presence
feel bigger than you are.

- You gotta wait for the right time.
- There's a duck on it.

Wait for the right time?
You gotta speak up.

You gotta have what we call
in the army "cojones." Okay?

$600 bid— - 150 buckaroos!

- We're already at 600, sir.
- 600?

We're not going
down. I got 600...

It's just taming the grizzly, and
you're not gonna do it with soft voices.

And you're not gonna
do it without cojones.

- Six and a quarter.
Now six and a half...

- You need to pronounce
your words better.

Sold at six and a quarter.
Number six, front row.

- That's it?
- So we lost that?

- "We" lost? No, you lost.
- No, I didn't.

- You distracted me.
- Hey, you gotta speak out when you bid.

- What are you talking about?
- You sound like a little girl.

There was a duck on there.
What are we gonna get him now?

We gotta be creative.
Look at all that stuff.

Look. We gonna split
that broken pot four ways.

- You broke it!
- Hey, it's a piece of junk!

Oh, good night.

Can y'all hear me back in there?

It's a lot of smoke.

Jep said you gotta get
it in the smoke zone.

You think we're in
the smoke zone?

- Oh, ain't no doubt about it.
- I'm in the smoke zone.

After an exhausting day of
locating and moving Jep's smoker...

we finally got it into his
new house and fired it up.

- You think we need to check the meat?
- Nah. That there, you walk away from it,
come back in about nine, 10 hours.

I ain't saying it was
worth it, but this bad

boy's pumping out some
serious meat aroma.

And a lot of smoke.

You know, you smoke
anything, it's pretty good.

Deer, bear, hogs, ducks.

Mmm. Smoked bear.

Hopefully the neighbors
don't call the fire department...

because it definitely looks
like Jep's patio is on fire.

Actually, we are his neighbors,
so I'll call Korie just in case.

Well, this thing is
really blowing smoke.

I used to blow smoke.

It's what you called getting high,
getting drunk and lyin', stealing...

Dad, I was just talking
about the smoker.

In between the liquor
and the blowing smoke...

you're just on your all fours
in the middle of the woods.

"Boy, we having a
time there, ain't we?"

Sometimes, though, Dad, when you
put a little liquor glaze on your ribs...

- Mmm.
- That only enhances the flavor.

That's better than pouring the whole bottle
down your throat and acting like a fool.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Dad...

I noticed when I repented, the whores
left, the liquor left, then the smoke left.

In that order.

Think it's good to
replace whores with ribs.

Yeah, this is just really about the smoker,
though, blowing smoke now, Dad, so...

- Smoking the herb.
- Oh, boy.

We gotta find the
perfect gift for Jep.

I ain't seen nothing
worth bidding on.

Si, you already
bought something.

- What are you talking about?
- That pot.

- Oh, yeah.
- No.

We came here to find Jep an
awesome housewarming gift.

We haven't seen it yet.
But there's no need to panic.

- You'll know it when you see it.
- The next item up for bid tonight...

is this awesome T-shirt gun sent
to us by one of our local colleges.

Oh. You can't go
wrong with a gun.

You can never go
wrong with a weapon.

Bam! There it is. A T-shirt gun.

Show 'em how it
works there, Joe.

Good grief!

- Oh, I'm buying this.
- All righty.

Let's put it up for
bid. Here we go.

Ho!

- Four and half now. 500.
- Ho!

- Sold at $500 right there.
- Yes!

- That was awesome.
- Eh, it's all right.

It's better than your pot.

Oh, yes. Way better.

Next up, Jep's TV.

That TV is huge.
Oh, my goodness.

- Perfect.
- I don't know if those boxes
are sturdy enough.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, they're fine.

All right, guys. Jep and Kay
are almost here. Come on, guys.

For Jep to be able to come to
his new home with his family...

after being so ill...

I think that it just kind of was—
It's like a new beginning for us.

- What are we gonna holler?
- "Welcome home."

Willie, Jep's almost here.

It was a great reminder
of how valuable life is...

and how precious the time is
that we have with our loved ones.

Welcome home!

To kind of move into
the neighborhood...

and have his brothers
that are two doors away...

I think that it was just
kind of a dream come true.

What do you think?

My baby.

- Hey, you save some kisses for me.
- I missed you.

Really cool. My family—
They decorated the house...

brought in my couches,
brought my big screen TV in.

This is awesome,
y'all. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Are you excited?

But they're just things.

This experience will really
make you look back on your life...

and find what's
really important to you.

- I super appreciate it
and— - You're welcome.

I love that stand.

We worked hard on that.

My wife, my kids— That's
what's important to me...

and I'm just super grateful to have
a family that's loving and caring...

and gets you through
the tough times.

Jep, I got another little
surprise for you out back.

I'm still making up for 10
days of not eating. I'm ready.

A little smoked meat
doesn't hurt either.

Jep— ♪♪

- Lookee here.
- Gets a little smoky, Al.

- Yeah.
- Ooh. It's hot.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

- It's a smoker, Jep.
- We're in the smoke zone.

Mmm. Warm kisses.

All right. While we wait for dinner,
I have one more surprise, Jep.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.

- You're gonna love this. Come on.
- All right.

Does this have anything
to do with smoked meat?

- No.
- You can't top smoked meat.

- This is a surprise.
- Now we're starving to death.

All right. Everybody
assemble right here.

Say hello to my little friend!

Gosh!

Whoa!

What about that?

It's a tradition in my family— When
you get sick or injured and you recover...

you are showered
with awesome gifts.

- Get it, River!
- Get it, River! Oh!

That's awesome.

This is the gift that
will keep giving.

T-shirts.

Y'all, I really, really
appreciate this.

Wasn't quite worth
a seizure, but close.

Seriously.

That's what brothers
are for. Welcome back.

T-shirts for everybody.

I think I have a surprise a little more
meaningful, if y'all walk down here.

We keep getting farther and
farther away from the food.

We're moving away from the food.

Check this out.

That's a bald cypress.

I came down here, Jep,
and planted it for you.

The seed that made this tree is
about the size of a grain of rice.

One little grain of rice.

It goes into the dirt,
and look what it made.

As it grows, you know, you'll be up here,
got your kids, starting in a new house.

One of these days,
you'll walk out here in

the yard, your whiskers
will be gray as mine.

And by that time, that old
cypress will be way up there.

You'll say, "Yup. Old Dad
planted that years ago."

That cypress tree says a lot about
our heritage, especially as duck hunters.

One day, River, when you get older, that
tree will be up there about 50 feet high.

You put a duck
blind in it, all right?

Whack them mallards
out of it, just like your dad.

- Aww.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.

With that, let's get
on that smoked meat.

That's what we
come over here for.

You wanna race?

All right. Let's bow.

Father, we're all
here at this place...

thanking you for Jep's health and
helping him come forth from his sickbed.

Thanks again for all you've done
for us in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Amen.

- Let's get on this pig.
- Let's dig into this right here.

Love, like faith, ain't easy.

It takes trust,
commitment and hard work.

Rest assured though—

If you ever find yourself
questioning how you ended up

searching for a smoker in
a maze of storage lockers...

or at an auction to find a gift for
your brother's welcome home party...

the answer's probably love.

Because I doubt anyone would do
something so dumb for anything less.

Hey, Willie. Let
me see your T-shirt.

Use your own T-shirt.

Hey, it's up on the roof. I
need yours to knock mine down.

What?