Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 9 - Master and Duck Commander - full transcript

Willie!

That stupid dog peed on my bag.

That's a dog saying,
"I don't like you."

Most people say, "Hey,
man. I don't like you anymore."

But a dog pees on your bag.

I set my bag down
for, like, two seconds.

Will, I trained him.

Anybody coming up in
the yard, pee on his stuff.

Why would you train
him to pee on stuff?

That's a yuppie deterrent.

Pee on his stuff. That'll
send him down the road.



Lately when I visit
my parents' house...

I spend most of my time yelling
at Bobo for peeing all over my stuff.

He doesn't pee on my
stuff. This is my yard.

Pees on your
stuff. Not your yard.

I've never seen such a tiny
dog mark so much territory.

If he goes to your yard, no—
That's your dog's job up there.

They pee on my stuff
when I go to your yard.

See what I'm saying?

I don't know that they
pee on anybody's stuff.

He may look small,
but he has a huge

bladder, 'cause that
dog can pee on anything.

Will, you need to train
your dogs to pee on

other people's stuff.
That's where you start.

- That's terrible advice.
- No.



Either that or he just holds
his pee until I come over.

Well, he totally ruined my bag.
I gotta buy another one now.

Nah. Dog pee don't stink
that bad if you get used to it.

- You can use some of my perfume.
- There you go.

I'm not putting perfume on my bag.
Then it'll smell like pee and perfume.

Actually, the dog
peed on that pillow.

And I put the perfume— You
can't even tell it, can you?

Gah.

Little dog pee
never bothered me.

But when you get my age, you can't
smell like you used to could either.

My nose ain't what it once
was, which is a good thing.

I can tell, because Bobo's butt is
about eight inches from your face.

The good news is,
I don't smell a thing.

Oh, my gosh.

- I still don't smell it.
- Oh.

It's just a natural
thing to do, you know?

You need to take that dog
to some kind of training.

What are you talking about?

Take it up there to town.
They got a dog training deal.

Well, this dog is
trained just like I like him.

Not only is this dog trained
to pee on yuppie stuff...

he's trained to be suspect of
all people who carry cell phones.

Well, they say a dog
is man's best friend...

but dogs also are our companions,
our security, garbage disposal.

Start toward me
and watch this dog.

That dog is only
trained to fart, I think.

Willie thinks he's misbehaving, but
I think it's just old Bobo being a dog.

Watch him.

Get that criminal.
Good job. Good job.

I'm trying to think of a time
when Bobo misbehaved.

You're smiling. You're petting.

Hey. Be nice! This is
our trip to the magazine.

- Dead bird.
- Bobo! Stop it!

♪♪

And I can't think of a time.

That's what you
call dog training.

All right. I'm booking a class.
That dog's getting trained tomorrow.

Now look. Go pee on his stuff.

It's all over tomorrow, Bobo.

All right, boys. Here she is.

This thing has everything
but the kitchen sink.

It has a bathroom on it.
It's nice. I'm telling you.

Why would you have a
bathroom on a pontoon?

Can't you just go over the side?

- That's what a lake was made for.
- Yes.

Everything in the
redneck society is recycled.

All right, boys. Here she is.

Once an item—and I mean
any item— Is no longer useful...

you hand it down to
someone else to repurpose.

One fine piece of
equipment right here, fellas.

So when I found
out my buddy Tim...

had a gently used
pontoon boat in his yard...

This... is... awesome.

I knew I had to jump on it
before someone else did.

I think it's a piece of junk.

They were my thoughts too.

There's pine straw in it.

This is gonna be like the
Titanic of the duck world.

- That's right.
- Y'all are missing the potential here.

What y'all doing
with her anyway?

I'm gonna turn this into
the greatest duck blind ever.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Trust me.

To some, you see a
broken-down old pontoon boat.

- Does that thing float?
- What you talking about, does it float?

- Man, look at that.
- Jump!

It'll float all day long.

And that's exactly what it is.

I don't trust that.
Y'all check it out.

Put the weight to it, boys.

But what I see
is the skeleton...

for one of the greatest
ideas that I've ever had.

- I heard it crack.
- I didn't do that.

I see the future of duck
hunting as we know it.

So what you fellas
think of Billie Jo?

- What are you talking about, Billy Joe?
- You mean the piano man?

Why'd you name
the boat after a man?

He's talking about
the piano man?

They're supposed to
be named after a woman.

It was, man. I named her
after my grandma. Billie Jo.

That can be a girl or a guy.

Hey. I thought you was
talking about the piano man.

She did play the piano some.

I actually almost went out on a
date with a girl named Billie Jo.

What happened? You
figured out she was a man?

- Uh-oh.
- Hmm.

No!

Look. Let's cut to the chase.
What do you want for it?

I tell you what. If y'all can get
it out of here, you can have her.

That's my kind of deal.

♪ Gimme a boat,
the pontoon man ♪

♪♪

- Hello!
- Hi!

- We're here!
- Hey, Karen. How you doing?

- This must be Bobo.
- The one and only.

Yup. He needs some work.

He needs some work. Tell me— Has
Bobo had any formal training before?

No. He has none. He's
not trained at anything.

Korie's friend Karen is supposed
to be the best dog trainer around.

Kind of like our
local dog whisperer.

He can find
squirrels and snakes.

He's a dog. That's what they do.

Who hopefully can whisper something into
the stupid dog's ear that he'll understand.

Where's the squirrel?
Where's the squirrel?

Kay, we're in a building.

Something like, "Hey, dum-dum.
Stop peeing all over Willie's stuff."

All right. So what is
our focus for today?

I'd like for him to stop
peeing all over my stuff.

I want him to
learn to do tricks.

I'm really thinking
the high jump.

We could teach him some
agility and jumping and tunneling...

Oh, yeah.

That's not our main concern, is
him being in a high-jump contest.

Don't you want him to
be the best he can be?

No.

Uh-oh. There he goes.

- There's a bird.
- Oh!

Bobo, what is that?

What is it? Where's
the squirrel?

All right. We need to unfocus him
from that bird and put it back on you.

I want to see if—Can you call
him to you? Can you really...

Bobo! Bobo!

I don't care what Willie says.
I think Bobo is a good boy.

Come on! Come on! Bobo! Bobo!

Come here, Bobo. Bobo!

He's just like any
Robertson man.

Bobo! Come here. You wanna eat?

I don't think he's coming back.

I have to repeat myself
10 times before he listens.

Willie!

Get that bird! Get
that bird, Willie!

Mom, you don't have
to use that voice with me.

All right. So we have our
work cut out for us, okay?

Get him to stop peeing all
over everything. That's job one.

- Yup. There he goes. Right there.
- Yup.

Bobo! Bobo, what did you do?

Come on, Bobo.

- Oh. Yes.
- Look. He sits.

Yes, he did. Very good.

- Oh, good boy.
- Nice job.

Why are we praising him
for peeing all over everything?

We're actually praising him for
coming back to her when she called him.

So now after he pees on my
bag, he'll come back to Miss Kay.

Yeah, and that's a step forward.

- You start out with baby steps.
- That's right.

Gotta start little and work up.

Oh, great. This
shouldn't take long at all.

Here's the plan.

Everything but the floor leaves.

And then we use that as
the platform, the foundation...

for the two walls, the roof...

and the mobile seating area.

- Look, I'll "simplifly" this for y'all.
- "Slimpifly"?

Look. We wanna strip
the whole thing down...

to where it ain't nothing but the
floorboard and the rail left on this puppy.

- Si!
- What?

- That's what I just said.
- I simplified for 'em.

This is the mobile duck blind.

You got any questions?

What do you get when you put a
duck blind on a couple of old pontoons...

add an engine
and put it in water?

What I need y'all to
do is clear all this out.

Then we break out
the armament for it.

We gonna arm this puppy
with a .50 caliber machine gun.

Only the greatest
invention ever conceived...

A mobile duck blind.

We're taking this puppy
into international waters.

- This is a serious killing duck mobile.
- But you're breaking the law.

I call it the Aquablind.

I need a weapon.

Sledgehammer will do.
Throw me the sledgehammer.

That might be a bad choice,
okay— - Throw it to me.

If you're fixing to
start some work.

- Uh-oh.
- I meant toss it.

Hey.

Do you want to know
how we're gonna do this?

- Mm-hmm.
- It goes something about like this.

- There went the poker table.
- There went the poker table.

He gone.

Why are y'all just
standing there?

Nothing excites rednecks
more than getting to tear stuff up.

All right, boys. Let's
see what y'all got.

- That's all of it.
- Yep.

If you want to see
serious destruction...

just hand a redneck a
sledgehammer or a chainsaw.

Easy, boy. Easy. Easy.

Y'all are dangerous.

But I recommend
you get out of the way.

Good grief.

- It ain't— Pull that up.
- It's tougher than I thought it was.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hold up. Hold up.
- Take it easy.

Watch this.

It's gone. Uninstalled, baby.

I'm good at tearing stuff up.

- All right, boys.
- - I'm going to get me some fried chicken.

I gotta get some gas.

You want some snacks?

- Hot chips and white doughnuts.
- You got it.

Ba-boom! You suckers are dead!

Specially the little,
short, chubby one.

He was the first one I shot.

You gone.

Well, hey. Jase and Martin
and Godwin, they've pulled it off.

They was able to turn one man's pile
of junk into another man's pile of junk.

- Martin!
- What?

- Gimme two chicken legs with a Sno Ball.
- All right. You got it.

But I'm not quite sure why
Jase thinks he need gas.

I think this thing is gonna
go down like the Titanic.

But look. This thing ain't going
but one direction, and that's down.

- Quit being so negative.
- To the bottom.

To the bottom.

Matter of fact, I might bring old
"Jepato" along with a camera...

and say, "Look. You
need to record this."

You know, we
might send it in for...

You know, send me your videos...

- Yeah.
- And you get cash.

- Yeah.
- Might win 10 grand.

Hey!

Friendly old boy in that pickup.

They're all coming to take
a look at our Aquablind.

Look. The fact that this
Aquablind is turning heads...

is a positive sign.

We ease this thing in there
and we get into stealth mode...

- and then we— -
Boom, boom, boom!

Si!

And that's exactly what
a duck's gonna think, is...

The hunting community realizes
that I'm onto something here.

Well, if you see
us come riding by...

Don't be alarmed.
That's just us.

Don't get your gun.

And they're right. We
are onto something.

- We're all friendly.
- Boom, boom, boom!

- All of y'all is dead.
- He's crazy.

I don't mind if you
look, just not too close.

I think she saw Si up
there and it's scaring her.

- He thinks he's invisible.
- You can't see me.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Why are you trying
to scare everybody?

I'm just checking to
make sure it works.

You're gonna give somebody a heart
attack, and then what are you gonna do?

It's all okay. I had one of
them. It ain't no big deal.

Where is Martin and
Godwin with those snacks?

We sent the wrong boys
in the store to get food.

They'll never make it back.

Bobo! I love you!

So by watching Bobo
and watching you...

the problem seems
to be that he doesn't

really respect you as
the leader of his pack.

So we're gonna kind
of redirect that a little bit.

I want him to pay
attention to you.

We're gonna do
a little exercise.

I want you to tap your nose, and
as soon as he makes eye contact...

I want you to give
him this cookie quickly.

Okay?

- Say "Watch me."
- Watch me.

- "Good boy," then give him the cookie.
- Good boy!

There you go.

Good boy. Look how well he's
doing, Willie. Aren't you thrilled?

He's sitting there
eating snacks.

It's not rocket science. He's
gonna do whatever you want.

Well, I respond to snacks too.

I think this whole obedience
thing can be good for me and Bobo.

Willie, I could
actually exercise here.

I mean, look at
this. This is the

beginnings of me
starting a healthy program.

It's like he and I are going
on a journey together.

You could give me a
SunChip. I love SunChips.

Me and my little pioneer dog.

He's like my little
Davy Crockett.

If I did the whole obstacle,
I really love meatballs.

They are so good
with Parmesan cheese.

And Karen is like
our wilderness guide.

I think it might be a safety issue
though for you, so probably not.

I hope they do
souvenir pictures here.

Let's focus back
on Bobo right now.

He looks very relaxed, so...

- He's asleep.
- He's asleep.

Look at that, Will. You should be
so proud of this trip up here today.

We've been here,
like, two hours...

and all Bobo's done
is peed, eat and slept.

He's tuckered out because
he's been working so hard...

but he sees the
doggie Olympics...

in his— in his— Uh-oh.

He may see that bird too.

- Uh-oh.
- Here we go.

- See, here we go.
- Here we go.

Bobo! Come on.

Come look at me, Bobo.

Think he's pretty much
locked in on the bird.

Well, it's been great...

but I think we're
done for the day.

- Okay.
- Think that's enough for one day.

He's learned a lot today.
He's learned so much.

He's learned so much.

He has. He has.

Oh, brother.

So how'd it go?

He learned some
tricks. You wanna watch?

Oh, brother.

Look. Look. Look at me. Bobo.

Hey. Hey. Look at me.

Wait. Watch me. Watch
me. Look at me in the eyes.

Look me in the eyes.
Right here. Right here.

Good boy. Did you see how
he looked in my eyes, Phil?

- That was the trick?
- That's the trick.

You see how he looked
in my eyes? Good boy.

That's "Look at me and I'll
give you something to eat"?

That's it. If you look into
my eyes. Look into my eyes.

That should be fairly
easy to teach to a dog.

Look at me, and I'll give
you something to eat.

You know, it's a funny thing what
passes for a lesson these days.

See, it rubbed off on
Jay Jay, his new trick.

Mom, that doesn't prove
anything. It's not even the right dog.

That dog is just eatin'
what's in your hand.

No.

If dog school is anything like
America's schools, we all in trouble...

Dogs and man.

Look how it looks into my eyes.
Have you not noticed that? Look.

Yeah, because the hand with
the dog food in it is on your face.

- Course Willie learned a good lesson.
- Look at me in the eyes.

They're just eating.

Don't try to retrain a perfectly
trained machine like old Bobo.

Well, they were wrong. You
can teach an old dog new tricks.

So I guess I will watch my bag the whole
time I'm here so he doesn't pee on it.

- Yeah.
- Oh, brother.

Just keep going.
Don't be scared.

He knows the creek's back
there somewhere, boys.

We're heading
toward it at least.

I didn't hit anything yet.

He ain't hit nothing
yet. He's just

freewheeling it like he
knows what he's doing.

I do know what I'm doing, Si.

Yeah, you're just
praying for a miracle here.

In all my years of
duck blind building...

I can honestly say I have
never been more proud.

I'm getting in the boat.

When I launch it, throw me the
rope and I'll pull you back up there.

I actually consider
myself a duck blind artist.

We fittin' to get wet, fellas.

Here we go. Oh,
boy. That's all of it.

♪♪ Oh, God.

And this is my masterpiece.

- We're free, boys!
- I'll be dad-gummed.

- We're floating!
- The ship's a-sail!

The Aquablind is perfection.

Are y'all gonna come
over here or what?

All right. Fire the motor up
and then head toward the bank.

Huh! Eureka!

- All right. Hey.
- Hey. Head toward the bank.

Head toward...

I can't see anything.

- Are y'all gonna pick me up?
- Yeah. We'll be there in a minute.

- You gotta steer me.
- All right. Hang a hard right.

- Hard right.
- And give her full throttle.

- Full throttle, hard right.
- We don't do nothing half-throttle.

All right. Hang a
hard left, Martin.

- Wrong way! Hard left!
- Do what?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I can't hear nothing over the motor!

- Hey.
- You're going in circles.

Stay left. Stay left.

Straighten it out.
Straighten it out.

- Hang a right.
- So I need to go right?

Go to the left!

Look. Go to the big tree.

- There's 57 trees.
- No. The big one on the end.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ho!

I can't see anything!

- Reverse! Reverse!
- Reverse! Reverse!

- Abort! Abort!
- Get on now. Back it up.

All right. Back her up, Martin.

- Here we go.
- Embarking!

One thing's for sure, it floats.

We're headed to the land beyond.

What can I say? It's genius.

It floats and it's gonna be
awesome for duck hunting.

Boys, we're going where no duck blind
has ever been or has ever gone before.

Once duck season
actually begins.

I'm wondering how this will work
when we try to get up and shoot.

When everybody
gets up, if it'll rock.

- Let's give it a test run.
- Let's rock the boat.

♪ Rock the boat, baby ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. This is a duck blind.

♪ Turn on the red
light Roxanne ♪

Y'all done rocked the boat
too much. I done got seasick.

All right. Let's bow. All right.

Father, thank you for
another day on planet Earth...

thank you for the great hope
we have to leave it alive...

because of what you
did through Jesus.

It's in his name I pray. Amen.

Amen.

It's like the old saying

goes— beauty is in
the eye of the beholder.

Some may see a useless piece of junk when
they see a broken-down old pontoon boat...

but Jase, he sees it as a
camouflageable duck-killing machine.

And although I see a spoiled little
pee-pee machine when I look at Bobo—

Bobo!

Miss Kay sees him as
a sweet little extra child.

The point is, it's good to
see things your own way...

as long as you can embrace
the way other people see it too.

Even if you have to buy a new backpack
to replace the old one covered in dog pee.

Mom, your dog peed
on my bag again.

Good boy, Bobo.