Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 8 - Friday Afternoon Lights - full transcript

Defense, gimme a zone.

Execution. Execution!

- Boom. There it is.
- Look at that, Will. Look at that.

- And... razzle-dazzle.
- Razzle-dazzle.

A big part of parenting is encouraging
your kids to follow their dreams.

And that's not
something I take lightly.

Razzle-dazzle. Except for
now it's going the wrong way.

- I think that was actually dazzle-razzle.
- Dazzle-razzle.

My son Lil' Will wants to
play college football one day.

So today, I took him
to my old university...

to get a little
taste of the action.



Razzle-dazzle.
Remember that play.

And since Coach Berry happens
to be a good friend of mine...

Dad, I still don't know
what razzle-dazzle is.

We get to watch the ULM Warhawks
practice up close and personal.

I'm actually gonna be
assistant coach for Will's team.

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah. So I wanted to come out
and get maybe a little strategy.

- Good.
- And maybe a couple of plays.

Good! You ever coached before?
Is this something new for you?

Well, I've coached—
No, not— Uh...

Not really.

- I watch a lot of football.
- Good. That's good.

But I figure I could've
played college football.

I'm sure you could've.

So, Coach, when you're doing a practice—
I mean, where do you— How do you...



How do you put it all
together? Where do you start?

We start practice by
trying to keep 'em healthy

and stretching 'em
out. That type of thing.

There you go, Will.
Stretching is important.

- Gotta keep the muscles loose.
- Fundamentals are important.

Fundamentals are important. You
gotta remember all the fundamentals...

which are, you know,
running and kicking and...

- Blocking and tackling.
- Blocking and tackling. Of course.

And... do your homework...

study... books and...

That's what I always say.

Uh-huh.

Coach, I appreciate it again.
Thanks for letting us come out.

You bet, buddy. Good
seeing you, Will. Take care.

- All right.
- Y'all take care.

Will, go for a pass.
Razzle-dazzle.

- Razzle-dazzle.
- Razzle-dazzle.

Dad!

They're starting practice
without ya, Coach.

- They're just warming up.
- Here we go. Lunge walk.

- Coach! We starting?
- Hey, Willie.

Sorry I'm late. Had to
get my staff together here.

Well, today is my first day as the
new assistant coach of Lil' Will's team.

Looks like you, uh, brought
some of your friends with you.

Yeah. That's my staff. We got
a bunch of skilled position guys.

Luckily for the kids, not only did I bring
my extensive knowledge of the game...

but I also brought a great team
of assistant coaches with me.

Y'all got a concession
stand around here?

Okay. Truthfully, I
have one expert— Phil.

Phil, you know— Legend.

Had it for a little while,
then lost it quickly.

Although the last time I think he stepped
on a football field was about 50 years ago.

All right. We ready
to do some coaching?

- You ready to go?
- Let's roll!

- Good grief.
- Boy.

Don't blow that in my ear.

Here we go. Take
a knee. Helmets off.

All right. We got a
special guest with us today.

Gentlemen!

I know what you're thinking.

Some of you think
you're pretty good.

- Well, you're not.
- What the man's trying to say...

Quit checking out the little
cheerleaders over here on the sideline.

Get that behind you.

That's the end of my
speech. Don't forget that.

Okay! So, um— You can
always have improvement.

You can be as little
as this cat right here.

- What position you play?
- I'm the manager.

Manager! Managing
is very important.

You may have to manage
a business one day.

What?

You have employees that
don't show up a lot, and work.

You've gotta pick up the slack.

So football's a
lot like business.

- It's not really about business.
- Yes, it is about business.

If anything, it's about hunting.

There's a hierarchy of
employees and workers.

You're either the
predator or the prey.

That's a super simple version
of it. Yeah. That's kinda...

Now that's it right
there. You know what I'm

saying? Give the man a
round of applause for that.

You know what I'm saying?

Coach, we ready?

Linemen, we're going to the
back of the end zone right here.

Ready.

Let's get there. Let's
get there. Go, go, go.

Let's go, guys. Go faster.

- Kay, is this a great day or what?
- I love it. It's perfect.

I can't believe I have not
seen a squirrel shake a limb yet.

Bobo, go find me a squirrel.

- Go find me a squirrel.
- Where's the squirrel at?

- Hey. That dog's eating dirt.
- Jay Jay!

- Who is that?
- That's Al and "Jepato."

So y'all took the day off too?

No, we didn't take the day
off. We've been working out.

- Working out?
- Working out.

I done told y'all about that.
Hey. That stuff will kill you.

No. Not working out's gonna kill you,
and you're gonna have another heart attack.

No. No. That's what caused
me the first one, okay?

- Si, I'm not a doctor— - You are
correct. You are not a doctor. Okay?

Hey, look. Everybody's always trying
to tell me that being lazy is a bad thing.

No. It's just the opposite,
okay? It's a healthy thing.

Jep's got me slimming down.

- I've lost 10 pounds already.
- You've lost 10 pounds?

I think his face has slimmed
just a little, don't you?

Lost a little in my face.

No.

Hey, look. Go pump
iron on your own time.

Leave me out of it.

- You ready?
- All right. Wait a minute.

- Up. Come on, Al.
- Mmm.

Jump up there, Al. You got it.

I got news for 'em. I don't
want to be pumped up.

Look. Don't you wish you
could do this, Si? Look at this.

- Mmm.
- No. I really don't.

Hey, look. The only thing I
want to pump is gas, okay?

- Look. Y'all come
work out with us tomorrow.
- No.

Oh, let's do that.
That'll be fun.

It'll be good.

- Have you lost your mind?
- We can get physical.

- No. No.
- Ew. That's gross.

Don't say that.

All right. Here's what I'll do. I'll
go up there with y'all to the gym...

and I'll watch y'all work out.

There's guys like you in the
gym. They just sit and stare.

- It's weird.
- Well, hey.

- That's what you want to do?
- Put me in that group.

Y'all trying to get me to the gym.
At least, hey, I'll make it to the gym.

All right. Group one! You ready?

Hands behind
the line, all right?

Run it out. Run it out.

On your mark. Get set.

Come on. Faster! Faster!

That's the best we got?

The toughest thing about
coaching middle school football...

is that the kids are still kids.

All right, Will. You
better go fast, Son.

But they're getting old enough that they
can take criticism that's a little harsher.

Come on, guys. Y'all
gotta run faster than that.

You just gotta have the right combination
of positive and negative reinforcement.

Are you kidding me?
That's not a sprint.

Fifty-nine, act
like you're on fire.

And if that doesn't work,
you can always resort to

embarrassing the crap out
of them in front of their friends.

Look at the manager! The
manager just outraced all y'all.

Manager, right here.
Gimme a high five, buddy.

Will, you just let the
manager beat you in a race.

- Well, we're linemen.
- You should be a fast lineman.

You should be the
fastest lineman out there.

If I were a lineman, do you
realize how fast I would be?

Uh, I'm pretty sure I can
beat you when we're running.

Do you hear that, boys?

Now I knew when I took
this job, sooner or later one

of these kids was gonna
have to be put in their place.

- There's no chance.
- Pretty sure I can.

- You wanna try? You wanna try to race me?
- Sure.

I didn't think it'd be my
own son, but no matter.

All right. Well, we'll set that
up some time and I'll race you.

Why don't we just set it up now?

- Ooh!
- Hey, hey, hey.

I haven't properly
stretched today.

Go ahead and
stretch now, Grandpa.

Ooh!

All right. All right.

These kids need to learn that if you mess
with the bull, you're gonna get the horns.

Do a little quick stretch
here, boys. Quick stretch.

Feel the burn.

Feel the burn. Oh,
my back is killing me.

I got a bad back right now.

If you wanna set a good
example for your kids...

you have to practice
what you preach.

Simply just telling them and
lecturing them? That ain't gonna cut it.

All right. Ready.

You gotta get out there,
dig your heels in the dirt...

and show them
what it takes to win.

Here we go. Here we go.

Go, Will! Go, Will!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Man down.

- Blew a tire, boys.
- Bring it in the pits.

- Nice win.
- Well, football's like business.

Right now, business
is not looking too well.

All right. First thing
we gotta do when

it comes to working
out, you gotta stretch.

So let's do some stretching.
Gotta bend over like this.

Jep, look. I'm
making an airplane.

You're doing good,
Mom. I'm proud of you.

That don't look too
hard. I can do that.

Ho! I don't know.

- Y'all can thank me right now
for Al wearing longer shorts.
- Longer shorts?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You gonna rip on my shorts
and you got a man-bun?
- I look like a samurai.

- Like a homeless samurai.
- Homeless man.

Al, where are you
getting those shirts?

I make 'em myself, at home.

I figured out a long time ago, as
a pastor, that catchphrases work.

That's why I decided to
start putting 'em on T-shirts.

- Isn't he talented?
- No. He needs to get a life.

Any time I forget
what train I'm riding, I

just look down on the
chest, and there it is.

To get the pain zone, you
gotta board the pain train.

Uh-oh. Nope.

I got a train for
every situation.

- All aboard.
- Choo-choo!

You got the relax train,
the rejuvenate train,

the food train, even
the complain train.

- Y'all are embarrassing me.
- You're being a caboose.

I think it's more likely that one of
'em will become popular that way.

All right, Si. Enter your
weight. What's your weight?

What are you talking about?
What do you need to know that for?

It sets up for your
weight. If you...

No. I ain't giving this thing
my personal information.

I can't believe it. They've
taken over workout centers?

I'll do 100.

All right. What's your age?

I told you. I ain't gonna give
you no personal information.

- All right. I'll do 100.
- No.

- You look like you're 100.
- Hey.

Si and machines,
they just don't mix.

I'm doing this for what reason?

- To get in shape.
- No.

He can barely use
the microwave at work.

- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Turn it on.

No. The last thing you wanna do
is turn one of these stupid things on.

Let alone something more complicated
like a computer or a vending machine.

- What are you doing now?
- You're going up a hill.

- Hey. No.
- Yeah.

Honestly, I'm surprised
he can drive a car.

Uh— Ooh. Oh, hey. Whoa. Hey.

Cramp. Good grief.

Which he's not very
good at, by the way.

Si does not do cardio, so
we're gonna do something else.

- Next stop on the pain train.
- No. I ain't getting on no train.

Come on, Si. We can
dance our way down there.

Quit doing a conga line.

All right, y'all. This is
resistance-band training.

So look. You step in the middle of
it. We're gonna do some curls first.

See? See how that works?

I like this one
better. Much better.

- Okay.
- I like it.

- I'm just riding a horse.
- Si, you gotta step on it.

Oh, I am stepping on it.

I been actually going to the gym and
working out for quite a few years now.

- Yeah. That's a good way
to get neutered right there.
- And people actually do this?

- You gonna try it?
- No.

And for serious fitness buffs
like me, the gym is my dojo.

- Put this on your back.
- Put it on your back?

Come on. Y'all try this.

- Is he serious?
- No.

But right now, my family is treating it
like the game room at Chuck E. Cheese.

Whoa!

- Don't fall.
- Whoa!

Don't fall!

And I do like Chuck E. Cheese.
But there's a time and place for it.

Do y'all want to move on to the last
routine? 'Cause y'all ain't getting this.

Oh, we got something
else after this?

- It involves a pool.
- It involves the pool?

We gotta get out of this room
before somebody gets hurt.

- Hey.
- All right.

I've gotta pee anyway.
So let's go to the pool.

Oh, boy.

Will, you may have
to drive home, Son.

- You got your license?
- He's close enough. He can drive.

- Sorry about your leg, Dad.
- Well, I'm sorry I was beating you there
for a while.

I had you by a
couple steps, I believe.

- You lost.
- No. It never got fi...

- It never got completed.
- Oh, it's finished.

Willie lost, fair and square.

As the instant
replay clearly shows...

here comes Lil' Will, boldly
striding across the finish line.

Then comes Willie's head,
back and finally his legs...

somersaulting into
the agony of last place.

Hey, Son. Let me tell you
something. If we was playing

a football game, I'd
still be out there playing.

I'm pretty sure I could
beat you in a football game.

There's no way you can
beat me in a football game.

I'm pretty sure I can beat y'all
too, since y'all are kinda old.

- What?
- Wait a minute here.

- Don't be lumping me up in there.
- I'm only 29.

- You're 29?
- Yeah.

- I thought you were, like, 45.
- He's got a point about that.

- I look a little older.
- No. You look a lot.

I don't look as old as you.

What are you talking about?
I look way younger than you.

- What?
- I'm twice your age.

- Here we go.
- Give or take a few years.

The point is, we can take you.

I'll tell you what. You
go get three of your

buddies, we'll play a
little two-hand touch.

And me, Martin,
Phil and Godwin...

- Godwin?
- Godwin?

- Godwin? Me?
- Yeah.

Have you— Have you seen him run?

- We'll meet you on the 50-yard line.
- All right.

Team? Come here. Come
here. I got a speech for you.

Hey! I would recommend
a proper stretch!

Manager, you're gonna have to
wheel me around so I can see this thing.

We gotta read the rules, Si.

"Absolutely no shaving in
the hot tub or swimming pool."

And they will revoke your
membership for failure to comply.

Okay. The second one— "Persons
having currently active diarrhea...

or who have had active diarrhea
within the previous 14 days...

shall not be allowed
to enter the pool water."

I can't remember 14
days without diarrhea.

What about you?

Yeah— Uh, I don't have diarrhea.

- You have something wrong with you.
- No.

Hey, look. The rules for this
pool, they're way too excessive.

Have y'all ever gone two
weeks without diarrhea?

- Not that I can remember.
- See?

This is America. Land
of the home... of the free.

You know? Home of the brave.

That's the way the body
cleanses itself, okay? Diarrhea.

- I'm serious.
- You're getting too cleansed.

Besides that, how are they
gonna know when I had diarrhea?

You can't even have diarrhea without
the government trying to interfere.

I'm telling you, it's a
government conspiracy.

The government
gives you diarrhea?

Yeah.

Look. Anybody that's got diarrhea,
they deserve to have a little fun.

Ah. It's cold.

If anything, they could use a
little pool time to cheer 'em up.

All right, Si. We're gonna try the
last and final exercise. Are you ready?

Yup. I'm ready.

- I don't—You don't need those.
- Oh, no. I gotta have these.

All right. Listen. Put your things in
the water. Push down. Push down.

When most people
think of water aerobics...

they think of old ladies
sitting in the pool...

lifting Styrofoam dumbbells
and talking about their grandkids.

- This is a piece of cake.
- This is the only thing you can handle.

- What do you mean?
- Well, that's pretty much what it is.

I bet I can go all the way to
the other end and back, boy.

- Quit it. I'm actually working out.
- I am too.

But I finally found something
in the gym that Si's into.

There's a motorboat.

- Motorboat, motorboat.
- Mom, you shouldn't say that.

What's wrong with that?

Hey, Al, you and Mom
could do this. Y'all come try it.

Uh, the pain train has
pulled into the station.

- Look, Ma.
- Wow. I'm impressed.

Yeah.

All right, big team.

Touch it, Godwin.

- Whoo.
- I can't get up.

I think as a man, when
someone challenges you...

especially a junior high kid...

you got to stand up.

Here. Let me help you.

But now that I'm looking
around at my team...

Whew. We're in trouble.

Five minute quarters,
running clock.

Don't stop unless you have a
bone protruding out your body.

Every 10 yards is a first down.

No whining, no crying.

What ya doing, manager?

Just gas it. Run
over 'em. I don't care.

Okay. Give 'em some room.

All right, gentlemen. Let me
explain the rules of the game.

- What are you talking about?
We have— - Pipe down, son.

We just went over the rules.
We all are in agreement.

Listen up, guys.
It's nights like this...

This is where legends are
born. Right here— - Willie!

- I'm giving a pregame speech.
- We don't need a pregame speech.

- Fine.
- All right.

I hope you pull your hamstring.
Manager, get us out of here.

Drive that way and
don't come back out here.

Make sure you stretch!

- Will, stretch!
- Okay.

- You don't wanna be me!
- Okay!

All right. Y'all got the ball.

I'll admit it. Some members of our
team are slightly past their prime.

One, two, three, four.

- Godwin, run!
- He gone!

- Are you serious?
- That didn't take long.

Right now we're
looking a little rusty.

Catch the ball!

And under that layer
of rust is a layer of fat.

- Get it, Godwin.
- Run, Godwin! Hey!

But under all that rust and
blubber, there's an unbreakable spirit.

I think my foot's broke.

And probably some more rust.

Set, hut!

One, two, three, four, five.

I got it.

He gone.

- Martin, don't kill the kids. Crap!
- He ran into me!

Well, it's about time that my
teammates decide to start playing.

Oh!

Ho!

Got him!

Course I don't think it's something to
jump up and down and get excited about.

After all, we are
playing children.

Here! Here!

The old line used
to be, you know...

act like you've
been there before.

It's pretty clear, after observing
my team, no one's ever been there.

All right. All we need's a
first down, and it's over.

- All right?
- I'm ready.

Set! Hut!

One.

He gone.

Uh-oh!

Whoo!

That's it.

Jase. They're in the
eighth grade, Son.

Today, a bunch of trash-talking
junior high kids got whooped...

by a team that had no
business even being on the field.

Dagger inserted! Oh!

I'm gonna run all the way
to— - Come on, Godwin!

Come on, Godwin!

We chest-bumped!

- Uh-uh.
- But we taught 'em a lesson.

Never turn your back on a group of
athletically challenged older gentlemen.

Guys, tonight we became men.

We overcame our fears.

- We dug deep within ourselves.
- I gotta throw up.

- Godwin? Right now?
- Yeah, right now.

All right. Good game, boys.

Manager? Manager?
Take me to my car.

We thank you, Father, for
being the great God that you are.

Thank you for this good food
you blessed us with here tonight.

Thank you for your love,
your goodness, your mercy.

Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

- Let's get on that chicken.
- Let me get on that chicken.

It's unfortunate, but
the older you get...

the more you realize
your body is never gonna

be what it was when
you were in high school.

That doesn't mean you
should stop making an effort.

Take your family to the gym or volunteer
to coach your son's football team.

Look, your body is not
always gonna be in its prime.

But it's yours. You might
as well take care of it.

'Cause if you don't, there's
a good chance you're gonna

end up pulling your hamstring
doing something stupid.

Hey, Willie. Have you ever
gone 14 days without diarrhea?

Si, not at the dinner table.