Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 7 - Coop! There Is Is! - full transcript

- Jep.
- You are way off.

- Look at that.
- Are you looking at the wrong hole?

Look, you need
to buy my video...

Four Steps to Improve
Your Golf Game.

- It'll help you, son.
- Ah...

- That was embarrassing.
- I can't help it. My whole body's sore.

- Oh.
- I been sleepin' on an air mattress...

waitin' on my house
renovations to get done.

- I love air mattresses.
- Have you ever slept on one with kids?

Jess and I finally decided to move
into Willie and Jase's neighborhood.

So we bought a fixer-upper.



Your arm will get
stuck under somebody...

and you wake up and
have no feeling in that arm.

- I hate that.
- Only problem is...

I wasn't aware of how much
fixer-uppering needs to be done.

Throw the kid off of the bed
and move your arm. Simple, boys.

So now, we're stayin'
with the in-laws.

It's not very fun.

At all.

Renovation is
tough on a marriage.

It takes a lot of money, and
there's no place to be intimate.

- You can get intimate on an air mattress.
- No, you can't.

- Yeah, you can.
- I tried that.

- Run them kids out.
- That thing deflates in a hurry.

- Floatin' on air, son.
- You go rent a motel room.



Another one in the pool.

They say that the three most
difficult things in a marriage...

Sex, money,
renovating your home.

- Nice factoid.
- You know what the key to it is?

- What?
- Hey, be happy.

It's hard to be happy when you
get your arms numb for weeks.

Hey, this one's been numb for 40
years. What's that got to do with it?

- How much longer is it gonna take?
- I don't know.

- You can stay at my place.
- Oh, yeah. Stay with Si.

- I got plenty of room.
- That wouldn't be stressful on a marriage.

I got four kids.
They're kind of loud.

All right, I love
kids. I got Cheerios.

- You got what?
- Look here. My house—

I got all the stuff
kids care about.

No, I don't wanna impose.

There's no
"reposition" at all, son.

I've got high
thread-count sheets, okay?

In-house washer and
dryer, great water pressure.

Stress-free situation, boys.

I got a pretty neat cat. He's
cool. His name is Sweet Pea.

I don't think I'm gonna
stay at your house.

The best part, I got one of
them little old robot maids.

Dune Buggy, or whatever it's called.
Goom Bung, or whatever it is, y'all.

Just appears outta nowhere, and
it's sucking up everything on the floor.

All you hear is— Eee!
Here it comes, okay?

Takin' a shower and you
hear— Eee! You know, uh-oh.

You know Lisa and I work
with couples all the time.

You ever need any
help, I'm there for you.

Actually, I could use
your help tomorrow.

I'm movin' boxes
and my chicken coop.

Moving's not really
my bang zone.

- Well, y'all are in, right?
- Yeah.

- I'm out on the movin'.
- How convenient.

No, I promised the
kids I'd take 'em fishing.

We done been
plannin' this for weeks.

- Since when are you coming?
- Weeks.

- I need y'alls' help.
- This is a "no chicken zone."

The neighborhood watch
said no farm animals.

These aren't farm animals.
They're domesticated chickens.

- That's just stupid.
- Do they have names?

It's like Winky, Boo-Boo...

What? You can't have
pets with names like that.

My kids named 'em, not me.

No, they need to have names
like Blazer and Slash, Rambo.

- Look, do your chickens do tricks?
- Yes. They lay eggs.

That's not a trick, Jep.
That's what they do.

- That's natural.
- I got a trick for 'em.

Fry 'em up and then call me.

Golly, I'm gettin' chicken
crap all over my fingers.

Why didn't you just back
your truck down here, you idiot?

- I got new tires.
- It's a truck.

- There's nails too, dude.
- Oh, good grief.

You're not even
lifting. I can tell.

Yeah, I am.

Move your hands right now.

- Mm-hmm.
- Somebody's got to steer it.

You're welcome.

When Jep said he needed
help movin' a chicken coop...

I thought he meant an
actual chicken coop...

not a crappy
little chicken cage.

- Where you want it?
- Right here.

- Set her down.
- Disembarking.

If the movie Saw was about
chickens, this is where they'd end up.

Be like two chickens with big
decisions on what's gonna happen...

but... you gotta
get out of this thing.

Why didn't you take
the chickens out?

- 'Cause they'll peck you.
- Them are pretty chickens.

- So out here, this will be covered.
- Wow.

This is gonna be awesome.

This'll be an outdoor kitchen.

- I got chicken poop on my hands, Jep.
- I stepped in dog crap.

There's too much
poop around here.

I love it, and the view
of the pond is beautiful.

- Thank you.
- This is gonna be so great.

Thanks. Except for that. Jep.

Has that coop always
looked that old, babe?

It's shabby chic.
That's what you like.

- No, I've never said that.
- She says it, like, every day.

- You're not leaving that there, are you?
- Are you embarrassed by my chicken coop?

I'm embarrassed.

My chicken coop
is a work of art.

I'm kind of concerned
about the chickens.

Look how it's, like, leaning.

It's like the Leaning
Tower of chicken coops.

- Mmm.
- Huh.

I built it with my
own two hands.

The way this yard
looks, I think it's fine.

It's an improvement.

It's not just a chicken coop.

It's a representation of me.

You've got a broke
board right there.

You've got more problems
than just that door.

It's fabulous.

You're gonna be out here grillin',
smellin' chicken poop. Move it away.

You just don't want it right
in the middle of the view.

Oh, wait. Godwin,
what are you doing?

- I'm good with chickens.
- What's John doin'?

Godwin's the chicken whisperer.

- I'm gonna call you Original Recipe.
- Godwin, this ain't normal.

I'm gonna call you Extra Crispy.

Godwin, don't eat my chickens.

All right, Godwin, you babysit the
chickens. I gotta wash my hands.

I wanna give y'all the tour.

The tour of a gutted house?

And I'm gonna call you Spicy.

Godwin, don't eat
those chickens.

I wouldn't eat you guys.

Not till you're bigger anyway.

Okay, boys, it's
all in the hips.

Si, you don't have
any hips. Ooh! Si.

This is a piece of junk.

All right, let's
see what you got.

- Oh, look at 'em.
- Yeah!

Look at 'em go.
Remember, like a cowboy.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- What in the world?
- Oop. Ah!

- What is that?
- Incoming.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Boom! What's it look like?

- It looks like a bunch of soda.
- That's exactly what I thought you'd say.

In the yuppie world, when they want
to have a moment with their kids...

they take a bunch of balloons
and they, like, let 'em go.

You're gonna have so much
fun that you're not gonna care...

whether we catch
anything or not.

What we do is we
take a bunch of jugs...

we put 'em out there in
the water with bait on 'em...

and we say, "Okay, here we go."

To the untrained eye, it
looks like a bunch of soda.

These are soda bottles.

We'll have little fishermen
and little fisherwomen...

before the end of the day.

Why do you have all these?

I ran up on old Jimbo,
and he had a pallet of soda.

And he was gonna throw it away,
'cause it got recalled or somethin'.

- Whoa!
- Si.

That's good stuff.

You want a shot? That
way you can taste it.

Si, the reason I got this is
because it had gotten old.

- It's no good.
- Here, take a swig of it.

- No! No, no, no, no.
- What? It tastes like sarsaparilla though.

If you wanna drink it, that's
fine, but don't give it to the kids.

It's really not fine, but...

Does anybody wanna guess
what the best part of jug fishing is?

- Catching fish?
- Eating fish.

Drinkin' the soda.

Incorrect. You ready for it?

You take your bottle— -
Shake the bottle like that.

- Babe, I got news for you.
- You get the mojo workin'.

This is the third most
fun part of jug fishing.

- One— - Ja-Jase, I
don't know about this.

- Oh, no, it's a good idea.
- Two.

- Yeah.
- Guys, this is not a good idea.

Oh, yeah, this
is a great "ideal."

- Jase, I think you should rethink this.
- Oh, no, this is a good ideal.

- Soda fight!
- Aaah! Jase!

Hey, save your shoes!

- I'm out of here.
- Babe, where you going?

- I'm gone.
- "Save your shoes"?

Mia, you're
not—You're not armed.

Oh! Right in the hole.

Whoa! Lookit. I
got a live one here.

- We got a live one, boys!
- Got a live one.

Oh, yeah. Incoming!

All right. Who's ready
to go jug fishing?

Kitchen's gonna be awesome.

- That was the kitchen?
- Yeah.

So what do you call this?

My Cribs TV room.

It looks just like another gutted
room, just like the rest of the house.

Hey, use your imagination, dude.

God, I still smell
poop on my hands.

Smell this.

Yeah, you got a little somethin'
there. Phew! It's strong.

Dude, don't wipe
it on the mantel.

I thought everything
in here was trash.

That thing was from 1906.

Is it the only thing that
you kept out of this house?

It was the only thing Jessica liked.
Everything else she didn't care for.

I know Jep is pretty excited about
turning this room into his man cave.

But this place is a disaster.

You basically bought a frame.

You may or may not
have a spider infestation.

Everywhere you look
there's, like, spiderwebs.

It's dirty, spider-infested...

and to be honest, it
smells like animal crap.

So you pretty much
just bought a mantel...

that came with a house frame.

This man cave is more like that
ugly chicken coop out in the yard.

Man coop. Guess
that'd be a "moop."

Guys, tell us
what color y'all like.

- I'm not good at that stuff.
- This is a bad deal.

- Come on.
- We just need an opinion.

And then here's Sweet Serenity.

- What?
- Mmm.

I say we go with
Sweet Serenity...

because it'll go perfect with
my 80-inch LED 4-D Ultra HD TV.

- 4-D?
- Y'all are gettin' an 80-inch TV?

- No, Jep.
- It's on layaway.

No. We talked about the
family portrait goin' right here.

You were gonna get a
more reasonably sized TV.

Man, I used to be so cool.

Like I was, like, ripped.

My hair was all cool,
had lots of gel in it.

- Eighty inches is reasonably sized.
- That's true.

I could just break wind
whenever I felt like it.

- That's a bit ridiculous.
- They make 'em to, like, 120 these days.

- He's right in the middle.
- No, that is...

It's not a movie
theater, dingdong.

Then I married Voldemort.
A really, really hot Voldemort.

Nevertheless, she
cast a spell on me...

and all the fun went...

You gotta think about it
like this. What's better?

An 80-inch...

LED 4-D Ultra HD TV...

or a family portrait?

A family portrait.

The kids are already
in 3-D. So I don't...

- Yeah, you can watch them run around.
- Yeah.

Yeah, an 80-inch TV's
real practical, babe.

That's about as
practical as it gets.

- I don't think so.
- Yes.

It's gonna look tacky,
just like that coop out there.

Don't be talkin' about my coop.

When Jep gets his
mind set on something...

it is really hard to change it.

But there is a shortcut to
getting him to see things my way.

I call it "the look."

Sometimes Jess makes this face.

I think she's tryin' to tell me
somethin', but I-I ain't gettin' it.

Babe, you gotta
do something with it.

Either paint it, rebuild
it. Definitely move it.

- Burn it.
- Burn it and rebuild it is a good option.

I'll take care of it.

I give you— Mia, drumroll.

There you go.

I give you the perfect jug rig.

All we need is some bait.

- You gonna put the worm on?
- Sure.

See that? You know I
don't have yuppie kids.

When I was a kid, I
would go jug fishin'.

- Now, pick you out a big juicy one.
- Big juicy...

- Ew!
- Is that a juicy one?

- I don't know.
- Squeeze it.

We would put out the jugs with
a string hanging from the jug...

with a hook on it and with bait.

And he knows what's comin',
Mia, so that's why he's squirmin'.

He's hangin' on for dear life.

Oh, no, no, no, Mia. He's
hanging on for dear death.

This ain't his first rodeo.

But I will guarantee you,
these kids will not be bored.

- Ew, it's bleeding!
- No, it's not blood.

- Worms don't bleed.
That's just— - What is it?

- You know, I think it's poop.
- Ugh!

I'm never high-fivin' you again.

They're gonna have some fun.

Si, I've told you to quit
drinkin' that grape soda.

Is that your second bottle?

That's two been up.

You've got four liters
of grape soda in you?

Hey, look. Everybody's
always so concerned about me.

Everybody lighten up, okay?

You're not worried about all
that soda bein' inside of you?

No. Soda better be worried
about bein' inside of me.

I would be scared too.

Look. I made it
through a tour in Nam.

Okay? I been married 43 years.

Okay? To a flaming redhead.

Hey, Scilla, did you do that?

A heart attack, two
kids, eight grandkids.

Well, if you see Si explode— -

somebody call 911.

And then the worst part, 15
years with Willie as my boss.

911 can't help you
there. Good grief.

Hey, look, if I survived
through all of that...

ain't no grape
soda gonna kill me.

Well, let's get 'em
all out in the water.

'Cause Si could
blow at any moment...

and that's gonna be
the end of the fishin' trip.

You might wanna...
get a little distance here.

All right, be careful, boys.
I think I'm fixin' to blow.

Dude, first we're
renovatin' this house.

Now we got the stupid coop.
I'm startin' to get stressed.

- Is that why you're sweatin' so much?
- I know.

- You need to relax.
- This is like when I was payin' COD.

I had, like, 25 kills.

Game system poops
out. Exact same feeling.

Well, that didn't cost you
hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Well, it felt like it did.

Jep needs to focus on
what is important here.

Retaining his dignity.

I don't know what to do
with this chicken coop though.

Get a new chicken coop.

Women like brand-new things.

So at least buy a
brand-new chicken coop.

Throw that in the trash.

If that is stressing you
in any way, go burn it.

Don't try to be the hero
and fix it. Just buy a new one.

You've got a heap of crap here
that you're gonna have to renovate.

- You need to be thinkin' about that.
- That's what I need to do.

- Just renovate the chicken coop.
- No.

Leave them things in the
closet. Let 'em be house pets.

So let me tell you a little bit
about how marriage works.

This is what I gotta do.
Refurbish the chicken coop.

I fix that up, all my
problems are solved.

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

So you have your stuff,
and she has her stuff.

And then this stuff turns
into Pac-Man, and it goes...

Look, I'm tellin' you. It's worked before.
I just fix it up, she'll—she'll dig it.

This chicken coop is
the last thing I have left.

But there comes a
time in every man's life...

where he gives up his
last shred of dignity...

to get a little pat-pat.

- You can do way better than that.
- Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

- Pizza?
- Heck yeah. Let's eat pizza.

It's a great stress reliever.

- No, it's a— - Breadsticks?

- Stuffed crust?
- It's about the chicken coop.

Get your huntin' stuff.
Meet me out here.

It looks pretty out there.

It looks "pretty"? I don't
know about "pretty."

Oh, no. Hey, she's
right. It is pretty.

That's the prettiest
minefield I ever seen.

How are we supposed
to even catch 'em?

You just watch the jugs...

and when you see one
start movin' violently...

Oh, there's one
right there movin'.

Si, that's called the wind.

Maybe I'm a little "sloopy" from
all the grape sodas I've drank.

Yeah, you're definitely
under the influence, Si.

Hey, you drink four liters of...

you know, "purnurple" soda.

Hey, you'll be a
little "sloopy" too.

I don't even know
what "sloopy" means.

"Soda loopy."

Hey, look. I'm still
"sloopy." I gotta pee.

Look. There's one.

Speaking of whiz, hey.

Nature's callin'
and, hey, sorry.

I'll be right back. You
done talked me right into it.

Banzai!

Go, kids. Go get that bottle.

Get him, Si.

Look, look. Uncle Si got one.

Look at this sucker, boys!

Mission accomplished.

Go, go, go, go, go. There we go!

Grab that one.
Get in, River. River.

The kids not only had fun...

Hey!

They will be tellin'
this story for years.

- Dad, I have one.
- Y'all ready? Oh, my goodness.

They will be gathered around a
campfire and tell about the day...

Hey, look right there.

We sent out the
minefield of jugs...

and we caught a 30-pound beast.

- Look at that.
- Hey, kids, y'all go out and go get 'em.

I'm all "purnurpled" out.

And their uncle overloaded
on expired grape soda.

- We should go jug fishing more often.
- Yeah.

Hey, Jess, Korie, y'all
come check this out.

- Y'all were fast.
- Hey.

- All right, what is that?
- Pretty awesome, huh?

Awesome's not what
I'm thinking, babe.

What is that?

This... is the camouflage coop.

All right, look.

Sometimes it takes Jessica a little time
to come around to the good ideas I have.

It looks like a bush.

But some ideas take
longer than others.

It's just like a duck
blind. You cannot see it.

Ducks can't see it. Humans can.

- It's perfect.
- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

- She'll get there.
- We see it, right there.

- But you can't see me.
- Martin, we will always see you.

Well, you definitely
can't see...

big Godwin.

- God—Where is Godwin?
- Godwin, are you in there?

- Aaah!
- Oh, my goodn...

Hey, it's shady. It's
got hay. It's got water.

- And poop.
- Yeah, there's a little bit of poop.

- But it's shady.
- See? He likes it.

Godwin, you didn't
poop in there, did you?

See? It's perfect, Jess.

But I thought it would
be a little more...

chicken coopy— Maybe
with a little paint on it.

- But this one is free.
- They make nice ones.

Leave it to these guys
to turn a crappy coop...

into something even crappier.

We're gonna be sittin' out here
eating, smellin' chicken poop.

If I wanted a duck blind
at the back of my yard...

I'd just live on Phil's land.

- It's bigger than it was before.
- That's a dingdong move.

Boards, nails, paint.
Boom, you're done.

The point was we didn't want it
in our view. You made it larger.

It's taking up more of the view.
Now I can't see any of the pond.

It's just a random bush growin'.

Putting old sticks on that
old coop is not making it cuter.

I think it looks pretty
good, and it's free.

You would. Jep, why don't we just
scrap this old coop and get a new one?

A good marriage is
all about compromise.

Unfortunately, it's usually
the man that has to do it.

All right. I love you.
That's what we'll do.

Thanks, babe.

But in a great marriage, you learn
to pick and choose your battles.

All right, Jess, if I get rid of that
coop, can I get a big-screen TV?

We'll talk about
that later, babe.

I may have lost the coop
battle, but I will win the TV war.

Hey, wait on me. Come on.

- Bring your chickens.
- Come on, little buddy. I'm comin'.

All right, Jep, it's
your house, sorta.

- So you offer the prayer, my man.
- Let's pray.

Lord, I just wanna thank you so much
for this family and what they mean to me.

And I pray your hand
on these renovations.

- In your son's name. Amen.
- Amen.

There's no denying it. Sometimes
our families are a source of grief.

Sure, it's frustrating to deal with,
at times can even get a little dirty...

but at the end of the
day, they're our family.

Bending over backwards
is always worth it...

when it's for
someone that you love.

Because in this
family, we know...

blood is thicker than
the waters we fish in...

and definitely thicker than all
that expired soda in Si's bladder.

But nothing's thicker than
the smell of chicken crap.

It will not leave my fingers.

- Hey, Si, pull my finger.
- Nothin' happened.

- Now smell Willie.
- Wow. That's pretty cool, Jep.