Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 6 - Mo Math, Mo Problems - full transcript

This algebra homework is killing
me. I cannot get this one problem.

Two trucks are
traveling to a store.

Truck A is traveling 30 miles.
Truck B is doing something different.

Which truck gets there first?

This is a softball, because all
you gotta do is pick one or the other.

It's all a guess. All right?

You have to have a formula
or you can't get it right.

- John Luke, did you take Algebra 2?
- I did.

- Did you guess?
- Maybe once.

- There you go.
- I got it wrong.

- And he passed. But
you passed, so— - Yeah.



What are y'all working on?

Well, the old wizard is
teaching his little wizlets...

about algebra and life.

Algebra 2, actually.

Willie, you failed Algebra 2.

No, I didn't.

I passed.

Straight D's.

Don't get me wrong. A good
education is as important as it gets.

But I don't want my children
to go through high school...

like a bunch of little
educated robots.

- All right, let me see. Let me look at it.
- All right, here you go, math whiz.

Two plus two equals four.

So, okay, you've got
your— Okay, you— Mmm.



The square root of pi is...

I have no idea.
A lot of numbers.

- Did they say just a— - B?

Rate times distance equal time?

Is that—Something like that.

It's something like that.
It has to do with that.

Just guess.

- Willie.
- I'll ask Martin.

Sure is a lot more space in
here without Martin and Godwin.

Where they at? In the bathroom?

They're in Wyoming, Si.

They went on a deer hunt.
They been talking about it forever.

- Anybody heard from 'em?
- I've heard from 'em.

They're eatin' good.

Where's Martin?

- He's in Wyoming.
- When's he coming back?

I'm not sure. All I get
is weird food selfies.

Do what now?

- That was just one day.
- All right, I'll just look it up online.

Why? What you need Martin for?

Sadie's homework.

I've got a math problem I was
gonna get Martin to figure out for me.

I knew this day would come.

Sadie's starting to get math problems that
even her business-genius dad can't solve.

That's the teacher's job. That's what
you pay a teacher for, is to do that.

Part of me is proud of her, and the
other part of me is a little embarrassed.

What's the problem anyway?

Y'all ain't gonna be
able to figure this out.

No, no. I'm pretty good in math.

"Two trucks are
traveling to a store."

What kind of store?

And yet, another
part of me realizes that

bringing this problem
to the duck call room...

may not have been
the wisest move.

All right, a quarter
of a mile away...

Look, we gotta get what
kind of store. This is stupid.

- It's a army surplus store.
- Okay. All right.

So truck A is going 30 miles an
hour. Truck B is going 15 miles an hour.

That's easy. It's the
one that's going 30.

The question's not over, Si.

But truck B gets a
20-second head start.

- All right.
- Hold it. This is in Louisiana?

This is why I didn't want to
ask y'all the question— because...

The only way to truly
solve that is to go do it.

Jase, a math problem is
so you don't have to go do it.

It's a quarter mile. You get
two trucks. We can do this.

Why would we go do—
I'm just gonna guess.

You do it to
impress the teacher.

You say, look, not only
did I answer the question...

I performed the question.

- I agree with him on that.
- And you'll look like a hero.

That's actually not a bad idea.

You do gotta think
outside the box.

- Can I be the starter?
- Sure.

You're weird, Jep.

Phil, I've got all kinds of great
stuff from the flea market, see?

- Miss Kay— - This'd be a present
for Ginny, my friend with the cats.

- Miss Kay, you
need to— - And look.

The best treasure of all. Lamby.

Look. He's got a cowboy hat.

I'm a cowboy. I'm a
lamb. I'm everything.

Did you get all this junk
at just one "fleece" market?

Flea market, Phil.

Phil always criticized me 'cause
he said I have too much stuff.

- Stuff that nobody wants.
- He didn't mean that.

Phil just doesn't
appreciate cute stuff.

You wanna wave at the lamb?

It's wavin' at you.

One day I'll crack that nut.

- It's nuts.
- I know. I love it. I love it.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Oh, Silas.
- What about it, you two?

Hey, buddy, look at all
these beautiful treasures I got.

Everybody gettin'
fleeced up in here.

And I got you a bugle.

Oh. Wow!

- Look at that. Good grief. Hey.
- You gave him what?

Si, you should probably clean
that thing before you start using it.

♪♪

Oh, yeah. I might need
a little practice on it.

Si's words is racket enough,
but give him a bugle...

♪♪

That's a sound
that is offensive...

to all ears.

- I'm gonna play a tune for you.
- A tune?

I think he actually likes it.

The dogs are gonna howl and
the women are gonna scream.

♪♪

I'm getting the
hang of it, boys.

It's called "torture."

Good grief.

That's what he needs.

Give Si a noise maker.

I smell a flashback.

Willie.

Phil, foot massage.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

Si, stop!

Si!

This is a great bugle.

Think I'll give the little lamby
to Jan tomorrow for her birthday.

- It really is.
- Do what?

- Oh, it works for me.
- Maybe you could give it to her tomorrow.

Miss Kay, how long you
been knowing me now?

A lot of years.

By now you should understand,
I don't do birthday parties.

- That's silly 'cause— - The
years come and the years go.

May she have a long life on
the earth. Tell her I said that.

No, I'm gonna tell
her when you see her.

Do your magic, Kay. Whatever it
takes, get me out of the birthday party.

I can get you out of
that birthday party.

- Hey.
- For a price.

If you never, ever, ever, ever
talk about my hoarding ever again.

We'll call it a deal.

You better get
that in writing, Kay.

That's a good point, Si.

♪♪

Hey. Contract,
and I'll draw it up.

Oh, yeah, that'll make it legal.

The honorable Si Robertson.

♪♪

John Luke, I need you at
the finish line with the camera.

- All the way down there?
- Yeah.

- What, are you out of shape?
- It's hot.

When I was your age,
I'd run a quarter mile...

- just on my way to three more miles.
- That's a lie.

Have you ever beat
me in any kind of race?

The race of life. I'm ahead.

You're fixin' to go down.

- It's not a race, it's a math problem.
- That you're gonna lose.

- Let's do this.
- Let's do this.

Actually, let’s start the video right here.
I'm gonna give a message to your teacher.

Math is not the most
exiting subject in the world...

but I have to say, I'm looking
forward to this experiment.

All right. You
ready? Okay, hey...

What's your teacher's name?

Smith.

Hey, Miss Smith. Miss Smith?

If Sadie's teacher wants
her to "show her work"...

that's exactly what
she's gonna do.

We're gonna do this
problem by video...

Shut up. Seriously.

When she gets all that extra
credit after this assignment...

she can thank Dad.

I think it's really
outside the box.

If it were me, I'd
probably give extra credit.

- Sadie, you're not framed up on me.
- Mmm. Sorry.

All right, this girl is going the
extra mile for her homework.

- Here, put it on me.
- Uh-uh.

This was my idea.

So, just wanted to
state that for the record.

Hey, Miss Smith.

Plus, this is another great life
lesson in buttering up your teacher.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

They're already
started, you idiot.

Okay. We'll skip that part.

- Start the race.
- I thought you said it wasn't a race.

- I mean, start the math problem.
- See? That's what I'm saying.

Just say go, Jep.

Willie keeps pretending
that this is a math problem.

Everyone knows
that this is a race.

He has a 20-second head start.

- Then you go.
- And then I catch him. I run him down.

I know it's a race.
Sadie knows it's a race.

Miss Smith knows it's a race.

You go 30 miles per hour.

I'm gonna run him
down like a wildebeest.

Y'all can do whatever.

But even if this was a math
problem, I would still win.

- I'm the hunter. I'm gonna hunt him down.
- Nobody's huntin' nobody.

- Huh?
- Oh, my gosh.

- How does he know that it's 20 seconds?
- I'm counting in my head.

Dad, you're the one with
the 20-second head start...

so you don't have to know.

- That makes sense.
- And then you tell me when to go.

On your marks. I got a— -

Hold on.

Martin.

What's up, dude? How's Wyoming?

Jep!

- Hold on. I'm talking to Martin.
- Hang up.

- All right, let's go.
- Jep, get off the phone.

This is the worst race I
have ever been affiliated with.

It's not a race.
We're not racing.

Yes, it is.

Terrible.

"because my wife got me
out of a birthday event...

I will never, ever
complain, gripe or fuss...

- about her junk."
- Slash treasures.

Slash...

- Treasures.
- Treasures.

Look, I've got a, you know...

Iron-clad contract here.

- We gotta have witnesses.
- I agree.

And it's no wonder. I've
learned from the best.

So we'll have one Mr. Silas
Robertson as one witness.

Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown...

What about Bobo as another?

- We could put his paw in ink.
- I don't know about that.

All kinds of judges. It's
literally millions of 'em.

And I've watched each and
every one of 'em like a hawk.

As your legal counsel...

I recommend you not use
dogs as your witnesses.

- But I love 'em.
- It's your contract.

And the one thing
they all got in common...

Get everything in writing.

I left out 2014. Okay.

Somebody wants to borrow my
screwdriver, hey, sign the dotted line.

You wanna use my toilet?
Hey, I need you to sign a release.

Look, I learned that
one the hard way.

I might need to make a clause...

that excludes my birthday.

- Oh, you actually want him
to come to your birthday?
- Yeah.

We'll put in a birthday
clause for you...

but that will be what
we call "the fine print."

- All right, going out.
- He's gotta sign...

Hey, hey, hey. You gotta sign
your name over here, buddy.

- Do what?
- You know, the contract...

- The contract.
- You agreed to.

Si's been working
on it for hours.

- This is it.
- Are y'all still on that crap?

Hey, this is a legal document.

All we need is your John Hancock
on the dotted line down there.

All right? It's a
legal document.

The first thing that comes to mind
when the word "lawyer" comes up...

They're like a—like
a bad disease...

and there is no cure.

- I don't go to the birthday party, right?
- That's correct, sir.

But I miss one birthday party if—
If— I never mention hoarding again.

Once we get it notarized,
it'll be a legal document.

- This is gonna be notarized?
- Yeah. By Mountain Man.

Show me where to sign.

- I'm goin' fishing.
- Okay.

- Well, bye.
- That's right. Bye.

Let's go get Bobo and
Jay Jay’s signature.

All right.

They need to be on there.

You got him legally now.

- You ready?
- Ready.

- Jep!
- Ready?

- I'm ready.
- Are you ready? Are you ready?

- Yes.
- Let's get it on.

- On your mark—
- Is that the start?

- No. That wasn't the start.
- You just did your stupid hand.

- We gonna do this?
- You—You ready?

I'll have to admit, it's hard to line up
two vehicles in an open stretch of road...

and not have it turn
into a truck race.

Fifteen miles an hour. That's
what you're supposed to...

I know what I'm doing. I got what
I'm doing. You do what you do.

We're here today in the name
of math and Sadie's extra credit...

so I'm gonna keep this as
precise and mathematical as I can.

Jep, you gonna
count us down, or you

gonna stand there and
sweat through that shirt?

- All right.
- All right.

On your mark.

Get set.

Get 'er done!

One, two, three...

- four, five— -
Piece of cake, boys.

What started out as a math problem
went just about the way that I figured.

Eighteen, 19...

Thirty. Thirty. I'm going 30.

This is a lot more boring
than I thought it would be.

So dang hot.

That's faster than 30,
son. You can't go that fast.

If you're speeding
up, I'm speeding up.

He might have
said "math problem."

He's accelerating.
He's accelerating!

But his lead foot was
saying something else.

- You can't accelerate.
- You're not going 30.

- Hey!
- Come on. Come on.

- You're not going 30!
- Shoom!

Cheater.

I might have gone a tad
over 30 miles an hour...

but one thing is for sure...

I won the race.

Or math problem.

- Whoo!
- - What are you doing, you stupid idiot?

- What am I doing?
- You sped up.

- Yeah, I sped up.
- You ain't high-fivin' nothin'.

- You sped up.
- I won.

He won fair and square.

It wasn't about who won or lost.
It was about who got there first.

I got it on video, and he
just— - He got it on video.

He won.

There's no way you were
going 30 miles an hour.

I was going...
a little bit north.

Well, the whole thing's— It
doesn't count. None of that counts.

Tell the truth.

You saw me coming, you
knew you were gonna lose...

you panicked and you sped up.

Jase, my truck is faster
than your truck, all right?

I'm faster than your
truck, and I'll prove it.

What?

I could outrun your truck.

Outrun it in what?

With these puppies right here.

A man can outrun a
vehicle up to 30 feet.

It is a scientific fact...

that a person in decent shape...

can outrun a
vehicle for 30 feet.

- I don't know about that.
- You don't know about it?

I don't think it's
physically possible.

It's also a fact that I'm
gonna beat Willie twice...

in one day.

With this big old
truck with him in it...

He's got a
weight-distribution problem.

Embarrassment awaits...

courtesy of your brother Jase.

Thirty feet.

One... hundred.

You can make it a thousand.

That's— A hundred's fine.

Hey, you're on.

- You got it?
- Mmm.

- Well, are you ready?
- Sure. Go ahead and have a seat there.

Mmm.

Mountain Man's the
best notary public I know.

Hey, I could probably get my notary
public stamp before he finds his.

Nah, it ain't there.

Come to think of it though,
he's the only notary public I know.

Y'all don't see a stamp
out there, do you?

Look, by the time Mountain
Man finds the stamp...

all right, I think the "statue"
of limitations are expired.

Got it. Right here.

Great. Let's do
this, Mountain Man.

- Well, where's Phil?
- What do you mean?

By law, all parties
gotta be here. I'm sorry.

I'm the other half
of Phil, you know.

Hey, here's what we're
gonna do, Mountain Man.

We're gonna go and find Phil...

and then you put that
stamp on that contract.

For an extra five
dollars, I'll do it.

- Let's go.
- I'm right behind you.

- Mountain Man, today.
- Won't take long at all.

♪♪

- What are you doing?
- Hey, look.

I need you over here for
official government business.

No. I don't fool with
the government.

We can't make this legal if
you're not here for the notary deal.

Hey, Phil. How you been?

♪♪

Well, this caper just
tends to keep wandering...

further and further
down the rabbit hole.

All right, Mountain Man,
let's get the show on the road.

Well, wait a minute.
I ain't read it yet.

So we're gonna suffer through the
reading of the whole thing there, Si?

First Miss Kay takes
on Si as legal counsel...

I'll read it real quick.

Yup.

And then you find out that
the legal counsel team...

is headed up by Mountain Man.

Good night.

"Because my wife...

got me out of a
birthday event"...

It still beats a birthday party.

"I will never complain again."

Balloons, you know. No, sir.

All right, let's knock it out.

Cupcakes. I don't think so.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Done deal.

Miss Kay, so you
happy, happy, happy?

I'm very happy.

And guess what. This is
gonna make you feel good.

I'm gonna keep
this forever and ever.

In fact, I think I need
to get a new frame for it.

Are you gonna say
anything about that?

Uh, nope.

Case dismissed.

Y'all ready?

Yeah.

Hold on. Hamstrings.

Check.

Groin.

Check.

- Stupidity. Check.
- Oh, you're going down.

You are Jase Robertson.

You're fast. You're
pure velocity.

Let's go.

Hold on.

You have an insatiable
desire for victory.

Finish stretching, son?

Prepare... for annihilation.

Get in the position.

I'm melting, dude.

You're a cheetah.

No, wait. You're a panther.

No. A wild stallion being
chased by a panther.

Yeah.

- All right, you ready?
- Let's go.

Ready. Set.

Go!

You're ready. You
were born ready.

You're Jase. I'm Jase!

Jase.

You are Jase Robertson.

You cheated!

That wasn't even close.

Whoo!

I'm not trying to brag here.

I am braggin'.

That was not even a race!

This was an
embarrassing victory.

Boom!

It was like Willie
was in slow motion.

Heck, no.

You started early.

Shoo! It's over. You lost.

He said ready, set...

No, then you started running.

No, you were already running.

All I wanna know is,
where's my hundred dollars?

Let me get it.

Did you ever get the
answer to the math problem?

No, not really.

I'll just work it out later.

Thank you.

Let's bow.

Father, we do thank you for
this meal that you provided for us.

We're here on this earth, and
we do thank you for this food.

- In the name of Jesus, amen.
- Amen.

A s a family, us Robertsons
are always there for each other...

so when one of us is in need,
we never hesitate to help out.

Sure, we have our own
unique way of doing things—

Like a math problem that
turned into a day of racing...

or cheating, in Jase's case.

Or even worse, you might
receive legal counsel from Si.

But despite our flaws...

we never fail to help each
other to the best of our abilities—

Unless maybe a
bugle is involved.

♪♪

Hey, Willie, how did
it feel to lose today?

Not nearly as bad
as listening to Si.

Hey, I'm a regular
Louis Armstrong, boys.