Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Cannonball Runs - full transcript

I had the weirdest
dream last night.

- A giant eagle took me to his
nest— - Them jokers can fly, Jack.

- And tried to hatch me.
- Oh, that's pitiful. Okay?

Here's scary, all right?

A gigantic,
fire-breathing dragon...

The scary part...

is that the stupid dragon
had skinny, bony legs.

Human legs.

- So he had your legs?
- No.

- Them two?
- No, hey. Them are fine here, boy.

Okay.



Gentlemen.

- What about it?
- Have I got a surprise for you.

This is a little mini
bonus from me to you.

Bonus?

- Now we're talkin'.
- Big money.

♪♪

Bologna.

- Ooh, good grief.
- Mm-hmm.

Bein' the entrepreneur
that I am...

I recently opened my own family
restaurant called Willie's Duck Diner.

And the best part is I
get to design the menu.

Including my very own
signature sandwich—the Boss Hog.

So I want y'all to
do a little taste test.

- No.
- No.



Since my sandwich will be
the king of all sandwiches...

I've decided to make it from
the king of all meats, bologna.

- That's 50 animals in there.
- Ooh, yuck.

- And it's all the— - It's
mostly pork, I would imagine.

If it's pork, it's like
his anus or his nose.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, good grief.

Bologna is like the Michael
Jordan, the Wayne Gretzky...

and the Mark McGwire of meats.

It's just big and
healthy, but it's fast too.

And it does hockey...

I don't really understand hockey,
but it does that too, whatever that is.

Skating.

Nobody's gonna order
that at a restaurant.

No, you need to choose
a better quality meat.

I've got different
sandwiches, all right?

We got the Godwin.
We got the Martin.

We got the Sloppy Assistant.

Johnny D. has a sandwich?

Well, technically, it's
called the Sloppy Assistant.

- I'm your brother.
- So is Jep. He doesn't have a sandwich.

- I'd like a flatbread.
- Of course you would.

You ain't helpin' with the
restaurant anyway, so, look...

Yes, I am!

I just landed your diner the
title sponsor on the racing circuit.

- Are you kidding?
- I did that for you 'cause I thought,
"Well, he's got a diner"...

- I love race cars.
- Well, it's not cars.

Well, then, what are we racing?

- Racin' outhouses.
- Oh, my gosh.

Outhouse racin' has become a
pretty big deal around these parts.

- What?
- Hang on.

It may sound pointless...

but they said the same thing
when NASCAR was introduced.

And look at the advertising now.

These people will forever
associate the outhouse with the diner.

I don't want 'em
associating that.

This race could do
for Willie's Duck Diner

what stock car racing
did for Wonder Bread.

We get a free spot in the race
since you're the title sponsor.

If you want advertisement
for your restaurant...

- What do you win?
- Free food from Willie's Diner.

- Oh, good grief.
- I ain't givin' you nothin'.

I'm tellin' you. It's genius.

Okay. That's it.

Y'all need to get back to work.

This was a stupid idea.

"Willie's Diner. There's nothin'
like a great bowel movement."

Put just a light press to it.

You hear that?

Is that what you're
havin' for supper?

This is gonna be my
signature sandwich at the diner.

You know what I'm gonna call it?

Bologna sandwich?

That's a terrible name. No.

I'm gonna name it the Boss Hog.

- You're gonna name it after yourself?
- Of course I am, 'cause I'm inventin' it.

- This has never been done before.
- A bologna sandwich?

Dang it.

I'm excited to say that I almost
have the Boss Hog perfected.

Burnt the end of the fingers.

Once I'm finished, the recipe is
gonna become a Robertson heirloom.

Like Phil's gumbo, Miss
Kay's sweet potato pie.

Why did you order food? I
told you I was cookin' bologna.

That's why I ordered food.

You know what they
say— Bologna lasts forever.

The little Boss Hog. Dang it.

- What'd you say this was made out of?
- Hog.

I'm not seein' hog.

I see "made with
chicken, pork and beef."

Mechanically separated chicken.

Yeah, but it's the...

Why don't you call it "Boss
Mechanically Separated Chicken"?

The hog are the pork.

Or you could call it "Boss
Potassium Chloride."

John Luke, get off that crap.

I don't know what exactly
they put into bologna...

and to be honest, I don't care.

You could call it "Boss Water."

When you buy stuff at a
store, never read what's in it.

If it tastes good, eh...

Who cares about a little...

Stuff anyway?

If you try this,
you're gonna like it.

That sandwich is not
gonna go into my mouth.

When I eat a slab of bologna,
I don't taste the "ingredients."

The only thing I
taste is America.

Why does no one like bologna?
The guys didn't like it at the office.

I feel like I'm in the
bologna Twilight Zone here.

- The bologna zone.
- It's been, like, the best-selling meat
for, like, a hundred years.

Meats.

And vegetables.

- And corn syrup.
- Okay.

- And potassium— - John
Luke, what'd I say about that?

- And sodium phosphate.
- John Luke.

Yeah, I mean it's pretty good.

- That's a thing of beauty.
- You know what it's missing?

All right. Let's see. Where
are we gonna put him?

- Look at the cool factor.
- The cool factor, boys.

Boom.

We're taking a used toilet...

and transforming it into a
high-performance racing machine.

- That's pretty intimidating right there.
- Oh, yeah.

And you might even let
it be drippin' some blood.

Now we just need the final
touch... to make it stand out.

- Intimidation!
- The intimidation factor.

Awesome.

When we're finished, the only
scent comin' out of this outhouse...

will be the smell of victory.

Let me take a
look at these rules.

"Driver shall wear
a protective helmet."

You are one spaced-out
cat there, Garfield.

- Si.
- And, Jon, get control of your pet, son.

- Si!
- What?

- "Driver shall wear safety helmet."
- No problem.

- Okay.
- Two people must push it.

- That's me and you.
- I guess it has to be me and you.

Plus, we're brothers. So it's like
Peyton Manning— I'll be Peyton.

- And you'll be Eli.
- Peyton is older.

All right. I'll be Alec Baldwin, and you
can be any of the other Baldwin brothers.

- Stephen.
- Stephen. There's another one.

- Yeah, Billy.
- I don't know 'em.

All right. We'll be the Wright brothers.
I'll be Orville and you'll be Wilbur.

- Great.
- Okay. Sucker.

Who's gonna ride?

- Y'all want me to drive this puppy?
- Saddle up, partner.

Si is the obvious choice
to drive this outhouse.

If you can crank
it, I can drive it.

All right, boys.

- You don't have to put the lid up.
- Do what?

We're attempting to build brand
awareness for Willie's Duck Diner.

Need oil here. You need it here.

What human draws
more attention than Si?

- Here, here, here.
- Are you kidding me?

Here, here, here, here, here.

And you may want to
put a little bit down there.

You put him in an
outhouse with wheels?

Oh, people are gonna watch.

- Si.
- Mmm.

Si!

We gonna race this
thing or what, boys?

Let's put the horns on.

Go by the hospital before the
race and pick up a quart of blood.

I don't think hospitals
give out blood just for...

Well, you give 'em 35 bucks...

and then, hey, we'll
drip blood off the horns.

Maybe this was not a good idea.

- Let's give this puppy a test run.
- Saddle up, partner.

Hyah!

You know, this thing
actually looks faster.

It's fast. I'm tellin'
you, it's fast. Look.

You want me to tell you
how fast it's gonna be?

I can't wait.

- Uh-oh.
- Let's go, baby!

- What was that, Godwin?
- What are you doin'?

- That was a chest bump.
- That's pitiful. The attack of the walrus.

- That was just an assault.
- I'm fired up!

Ain't you fired up? Chest bump!

- Chest bump!
- Hey, are we ready for me to get in there
and get ready to drive?

- Y'all a bunch of deadheads.
- We need to set up an obstacle course.

Ah, let's go see what
he's got in his truck, boys.

I'm gonna go around the
brick, around the boot...

in between the pole and the
bucket and to the finish line.

You will die if
you hit that pole.

All right. I'll get my
helmet on, boys.

- It's back.
- I said a safety helmet, Si.

No. You just said "helmet."

- "Driver shall wear safety helmet."
- No problem.

Driver has helmet on
and is ready to race.

Let's crank this baby
up and go for a ride!

It's time to test this outhouse.

Si may not seem nervous now, but
when this thing gets up to speed...

let's just hope he
has the stomach for it.

The toilet does not have
actual working plumbing.

Come on, now. Y'all can do it!

On your mark. Get set. Go!

- All right. Here we go.
- Easy, easy.

- All right, turn it!
- This thing is movin'!

- All right.
- Right. Now.

Turn it again, boys. Here we go!

Now! Turn it again!

Hey! Hey! Stop this
thing! Stop this thing!

- Hit the brake!
- Uh-oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Get me out
of this piece of junk!

Look. There are so many opportunities
to go out in a blaze of glory.

- Hey!
- Goin' out in a racin' toilet—

That ain't at the
top of my list, okay?

- Stop, Si!
- He almost ran into that thing.

Hey, open this door
before I kick it off!

Get me out of
this piece of junk.

You know, F-18 jet
fighter, fully combat loaded?

Now, that would be okay.

Good grief, boys.

"How did he die?" "Oh,
he got killed racin' a toilet."

"Oh, really?" "Yeah."

No.

- No.
- That was awesome!

Oh, the driving was all there!
The stopping is the problem.

- I tell you. The brakes—
- You got the brakes.

- The brakes ain't no good
on this piece of trash.
- That's why I like it.

One of you boys get
in there and drive it...

and the other two push
him, and I'll see how y'all do.

I feel pretty good about that.

You boys got to find
somebody else. I ain't doin' it.

So I know you're wonderin' why
I got you here at the restaurant.

We are on the verge
of, I believe, greatness.

What this is called
is the Boss Hog.

You named this after yourself?

When I started creating
this sandwich, I didn't know...

exactly what I was gonna do...

but I wanted to go
back to my roots.

So I wanted it to
be about Americana.

Sorry.

- I wanted it to say something
about our so— - Willie.

We've gotta go get the kids in a
minute. Can we speed this up?

All right. All right. So you
ready for the big reveal?

Yes.

Ah! Don't drink that.

Okay, so despite being the
culinary achievement of the year...

the Boss Hog still hasn't generated
quite the excitement that I wanted to.

Without further ado,
ladies, your masterpiece.

So I brought in some of my
more "refined-palated" friends...

who are clearly doin' everything
they can to contain their excitement.

The Boss Hog.

Mmm. The sandwich of the...

Well, this is disappointing.

- I can't do it.
- You don't like bologna?

If we would have known it was bologna,
I mean, I wouldn't have even come.

Why didn't you just have
the guys do the taste test?

I need a sophisticated taste...

I'm not sure if sophisticated
palates like bologna.

That's exactly right.

Mmm! It's good.

- What?
- I promise. You should try it.

- It's delicious.
- It's got buttered toast.

- You like cheese.
- I like buttered toast.

Candied jalapeños,
the bologn— Here we go.

- It's so good.
- Here we go!

Well?

- It's good, isn't it?
- It's actually delicious.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, God.

Well, there you have it.

The people have spoken,
and the Boss Hog is a hit.

- It's so good.
- This is all the confirmation I need to
include the Boss Hog on the menu.

I told you all it was good!

Not only will my sandwich be the
best seller at Willie's Duck Diner...

but it will become
an American staple

alongside the po'boy,
the Philly cheesesteak...

and the Reuben sandwich.

But I should probably
get this thing trademarked.

I bet ol' Reuben's kickin' himself
right now for not trademarking that guy.

Missy, just go
ahead and take a bite.

Two out of three people say
bologna is right for them. One does not.

Technically, two out of two people
like it, 'cause you didn't even try it.

I'm actually gonna dismiss you
from this taste test, so you're just...

Something's wrong with you.

There's so many
things in that meat...

if you don't like the smell of all that,
you got a problem with a bunch of stuff.

- Beef, chicken— - Let's
not talk about what's in it.

- Okay, Willie. Willie.
- Sodium chloride.

Let's not talk
about what's in it.

Okay! Thank you. I'm outta here.

What you think about
ol' Turnip Greens here?

Why did you call
it Turnip Greens?

They produce the greatest
bowel movement ever.

- Oh, my God.
- Fastest movement in the West.

- Fastest movement in the West.
- That skull is awesome.

- Thank you.
- It looks like blood.

- That's an intimidation factor.
- That is gross.

Why is it called Turnip Greens?

'Cause it produces the
greatest bowel movement.

Ugh.

- Look, Jase— - Oh, my goodness.

Speakin' of turds.

Phillip McMillions.

He's back. Uh-oh.
Headache. Headache.

Well, I should've known
this would happen.

Any time you set up
an event like this...

it's bound to attract
the bottom of the barrel.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey, what are you doin', son?

Don't run over my staff here.

I was wonderin' if
he'd be back this year.

That's right. The original sultan
of the trailer park, Phillip McMillan.

Does the guy not have a job?

Does he race everything
and anything except for cars?

All right, even though this is a giant
waste of money, we need to beat him.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, well, well. Look
what we got here, boys.

Carnival shut down for the day?

I didn't know the duck dorks
were flippin' burgers now.

- Good one.
- I can't tell what we got here.

Mr. T or CeeLo Green.

- Can you sing?
- That's funny, Si. Real funny.

Look, hey. You can't
race. I know that already.

Last time I lost
by a technicality.

- Boom!
- Chest bump!

- You lost, didn't you, there?
- But you lost.

- That's the point.
- You win some, you lose some.

Today, I win some.
What am I sayin', boys?

Whoo!

- Pipe down, Wes Mantooth.
- Is he for real?

Get that dump truck ready. Get
on that white line, and let's get it on.

Technically, all
outhouses are dump trucks.

- True.
- That one's a turnip dump.

That don't even make sense.

That's funny.

- Yeah, that's funny.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's go, guys.

Turnip dump.

Jase, we gotta
win this thing now.

- I didn't think you cared about this.
- Well, now I do.

You gotta take the villain down.

This is a game changer.

I went from hoping to
win to needing to win.

I ain't drivin'. This
thing ain't got no brakes.

- What?
- Well, it's got 'em technically,
but they don't work.

Okay, that's not good.

Jase, I think you
need to race this thing.

- Yeah.
- I think you may be right.

This is the ultimate
game of thrones.

First thing you do is get the oil can
out and oil everything that moves.

- Huh?
- Including Jase.

- Oil him down?
- Make sure everything's fast.

- I'm not oilin' him.
- That's awkward.

You need oil here. You
need it here, here, here, here.

Si!

Racers off. They're
neck-and-neck.

It's a tight one.
Potty Mouth and...

Ladies and gentlemen,
the main attraction race.

Philip "McMillion" in
the Millionaire Mobile.

I hope you can drive that
Turnip Green in a ditch.

And Jase tootin' along with
the Turnip Green wagon racer.

- Let's do this!
- You know what time it is?

Time for you to lose.

I can actually say that this
was all fun and games...

up until this point.

Now the gloves are off.

Just 'cause you spend a lot of time on
the pot doesn't mean you're an expert.

Fire in the hole, boys.

Oh, it's on now.

- Y'all ready?
- Baño y baño.

- Let's go, boys.
- Go get 'em, boys.

All right. All right!

- And they're off.
- We got it.

Whoo-hoo!

Okay, here they come, and
they're neck and neck, boys.

They're neck and neck.

He's comin' in hot on his left.

He's catchin' him now.
He's passin' him now.

It's Phillip McMillionaire
Mobile by a hair.

- Oh, come on.
- Phillip crossed the line first.

Aw, yeah. ♪♪

That was terrible.

Where's the brakes? No
brakes, no brakes, no brakes.

To be so close to victory...

only to have it ripped out of
your hands at the last second...

by a pudgy— -

yellow-wig-wearing man in Crocs?

It's just downright
embarrassing.

- Who won?
- Boo!

I threw that at you.

I may never, ever be able to look
at a toilet quite the same again.

I cannot believe I lost.

When y'all started, you were
pushin' hard, and you weren't pushin'.

- And I went toward the ditch.
- That's cause he wasn't puttin' out
over there.

- Always.
- It's called "technical difficulties"...

and you lose this time.

Well, you get free food for a
year, compliments of Willie's Diner.

- And his specialty is bologna sandwiches.
- Bologna?

- Congratulations.
- I love bologna.

- Thank you, man.
- Enjoy.

- Hey, bologna's my favorite.
- Startin' to like you better already.

Yeah. And it's free.

Get outta here, you sucker.

- Thank you for the bologna, Will!
- Shut up.

All right, let's bow, folks.

Father, we thank
you for the food.

Thank you for blessing
us materially and spiritually.

Thank you for removing our sin.

Thank you for guaranteeing we can be
raised from the dead in the name of Jesus.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Let's dig in.
- Let's get on that barbecue.

If there's one thing I've

learned from all my
years of business...

it's that you always have to be
thinking of creative, new ideas...

if you want to stay ahead.

When you keep your mind open
and accept inspiration as it comes...

the possibilities are endless.

Not all of our ideas
are gonna be winners...

but you'll never
know unless you try...

even if that means risking your life
on a high-speed toilet with no brakes.

What are you guys gonna
do with that outhouse anyway?

Oh, it's goin' in your diner.

Jase, keep that thing
away from my diner.