Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 4 - A Home for the Holidays - full transcript

All right, now that
everyone has their gifts...

tear 'em open.

- Let's do this.
- All right.

- Ooh.
- What'd you get, babe?

This is awesome.

That's all of it.

- Oh, you got hair!
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

Elvis is in the building, boys.

- The King.
- Hey, the late version of Elvis.

Real late.

I do like peanut butter.



Hey—Yeah. You could tell.

I like cheese.

It's a Robertson
family tradition...

to have a Secret Santa gift
exchange every Christmas.

- Who did this?
- Yeah.

- Shake it and see if the bells ring.
- Such a travesty.

And every year it's my
tradition to give gag gifts too.

It's a super-tight,
cool-looking shirt.

It's a "mirdle." A man girdle.

Plus, it's fun to
laugh at 'em too.

I'm just laughin'
thinkin' about it.

All right. We've got
one last big surprise.

I thought we could
be the Secret Santa...

and we could get a special
gift for a special person.



We've been family friends
with Paul and his mother...

and their whole
family for years...

so I want to do something really
exciting for her this Christmas.

Good idea.

Paul Lewis was one of
my best friends growin' up.

Here's a photo of
us in high school.

As you can tell, we were close.

Paul's mother is
gettin' a little older...

and her house is
not in good shape.

His mom, Theresser, was
like a second mom to me.

But since she's been going
through some rough times lately...

we thought we'd do
something really nice for her.

I thought that we
could give Paul's mom...

a new home.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- That's awesome!

That's a great idea.

Christmas is all about giving,
and what better way to celebrate...

than helping a family
that means so much to us.

That's a good deed
for a very good woman.

- Amen.
- Good work, Will.

All right. It's gonna
be a secret, all right?

- Oh, my goodness.
- When are we gonna start building it?

We're not. It's a modular home.

Our friends at Clayton Homes and
Homes Plus are gonna help us out.

I've already got the
house pad laid out...

and we're gonna
drop it tomorrow.

But I do need your
help setting it up.

- Get it decorated.
- Put a deck on it, all that stuff.

- It's gonna be fun.
- You can count on us, right?

I'm in. I'm in. Great.

There's just one thing missing.

Jase, you need to put
that Christmas sweater on.

- I don't do sweaters.
- Put the sweater on, Son.

Jase, put the sweater on.

I'm puttin' it on!

Go, Jase. Go, Jase. Put
your sweater on, babe.

Go, Jase. Put your
sweater on, babe.

- Go. It's your party.
- Okay.

Ooh, ooh, I'm
jinglin'. I'm jinglin'.

- Shake it.
- He's got rhythm.

That's a gift that
keeps on givin'.

John Luke, watch it, watch it!

- You're bending it.
- That's all of it.

Take it easy.

I can't believe we're
gonna build this today.

- The whole thing.
- We have to.

That way it'll be a surprise
when she shows up.

- That's gonna be awesome.
- She's gonna be like...

Today we're gettin' ready
to surprise Miss Theresser...

with a new house.

I wonder if I can do
like them Olympic dudes.

- Pommel horse style.
- Little competition.

Normally, I wouldn't
be getting excited...

about tryin' to build
a deck in one day.

- Whoa!
- There went the deck.

But since this means
so much to us...

I'm gonna make
sure we do this right.

- Aaah!
- Torn tricep.

I got a cramp.

At least to the
best of our abilities.

Aaah!

Now go backwards.

- Ah!
- He wins.

I'm never making fun
of male gymnasts again.

- Look alive. Bosses are here.
- Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Wow!

That is a true
beauties-and-the-beast look there.

This looks great.

It's a beautiful house.

Our connection with the Lewis
family goes way back, years and years.

They literally, in our view...

they're just family members.

- Theresser's gonna be proud.
- Yeah, she is.

Giving Theresser Lewis a home,
it's just helping each other out.

We've been going to church
with Theresser for 40 years.

She's gonna think, "Boy, the Almighty
waited a while before he blessed me...

but he finally moved."

It's a great way to
celebrate Christmas.

Okay, well, we've
got to get to work.

- What y'all doin'?
- We're fixin' to cook.

- That's what Korie's doin' in there?
- She's already here?

You should never leave
Korie alone by herself cooking.

In the kitchen. That's true.

- Come on, la-di-da.
- Got it.

Let me see what we got in here.

All right. I never
thought I'd say this.

We need to get back to work.

All right, kids.
Everybody got their lyrics?

I don't have any music.

Mom, technically, you're
supposed to be helping with the kids.

I can dance. I've got
some moves, you know?

You're just— Just help
with the kids, all right?

Hey. Tell the guy that he needs to get
some decent toilet paper in the bathroom.

Si.

While the rest of the family is
working on Miss Theresser's house...

the kids and I will be
recording our new song...

"Christmas in West Monroe."

Sorry, guys. That's
Si, my crazy uncle.

This is the band
from New York City.

Oh, Bruce Springsteen.

That's New Jersey.
That's not New York City.

That's the home of the Boss.

After the success of the
Christmas album last year...

I wanted to keep the theme
going and give back to our town.

I'm the gift that
keeps on givin'.

- Willie, he's— - Wait for it.

- It's okay.
- So I got the kids together...

brought Miss Kay
along to help...

and Si, he tagged along
for his usual purpose.

Si, you go in the control
room so I can't hear you.

To annoy the crap out of me.

All right, guys, y'all
ready? Let's go sing.

Hey. When am I gonna get
to use some of my stuff here?

What do you mean, "your stuff"?

Hey, got new Christmas carols.

Si, we're not doin'
your Christmas...

What do you mean
your Christmas carols?

Look, these will blow your mind.

Okay?

Oh, crap.

That was some jive there, boys.

All right, we're gonna have oranges,
apples, garlic, onion, sausage.

We're gonna have that stuffed
inside the cavities of these ducks.

Mm-hmm.

- What is this?
- I'm gonna chop the vegetables.

No, see, look. See?

Here's a little
lesson in cookin'.

This is what you cut
vegetables with. See?

This is like a food processor.

You plug it in and push
the button and just...

When Miss Kay asked me and the girls
to "watch over" Phil in the kitchen...

I thought it would be fun.

Watch that sausage. Watch.
Look. That fast enough?

Look. Sausage are ready
to go. See what I'm sayin'?

You want to top off an onion.

How fast would a food processor do it?
I don't know, but that's done right there.

See what I'm saying?

But Phil has a way of
teaching you things...

that you actually don't
care anything about learning.

Watch here.

You know. Watch here.

- We got it.
- It's kind of cute sometimes...

I got it.

Phil, I'm worried you're
gonna cut yourself.

See what I'm saying?

Until it turns dangerous.

Yeah. Ugh.

- What is the smell?
- What's the smell?

Only a blue-winged teal,
which is what these are...

He has a distinct little
mustiness about him.

And that's why you say, "What
knocks out the mustiness the fastest?"

- Oh, garlic.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank the Lord for garlic.
- Hmm.

You should—You should—You might
should wash your hands before you kiss it.

- Wash my hands?
- Because you touched the duck...

and there's, like, blood on it.

- Good stuff.
- Yeah.

Manhood.

It does not leave a man...

when he walks into the
kitchen and cooks a meal.

This will go right
inside. Protein, protein.

Just jam it in there.

When women walk into
the kitchen where I am...

See? I'm just stuffing
'em. I'm stuffing 'em.

- Yeah? How about this?
- Perfect.

They're coming into my 'hood.

That'd be the manhood zone.

Fire in the hole.
Stuff 'em tight.

- They're gonna be juicy.
- Oh, that's it.

The bottom line is everyone
has to eat, man or woman...

therefore learn how to
cook, for cryin' out loud.

- Ooh, it smells good.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what that smell is?
That's the smell of Christmastime.

- Yes.
- Whoo.

Whoop. Missed one.

Mmm.

Installed.

Here we go. We're gonna roll.

All right. Let's make
some Christmas music.

One, two, three.

What? What?

♪♪

♪ Yeah, I'm cruisin' in my
truck Headed out Highway 15 ♪

♪ This town is hopping
because it's Christmastime ♪

- He don't sound very good.
- I think he's doing good.

Mmm, I don't know.

♪ Louisiana pine ♪

♪ Just me and my truck
and a Christmas tree ♪

♪ Headed on home to the
family And I just can't wait— ♪

Will sounds good. Okay?

♪ Yeah, and it's the lovin' ♪

I'll erase just Willie's voice.

We could put some Auto-Tune on it
and kind of tune it up a little bit maybe.

Hey, try that.

Hey, look, everybody knows
that singers these days...

Hey, they use computers
to make 'em sound better.

Look. You're down
here. I need you up here.

♪ I don't sing that high ♪

♪ I can't do that ♪

That was it. Work on it though.

Kanye, okay, Jay-T,
Smiley Cyrus...

They're all using Auto-Tune.

♪ Christmas in West Monroe ♪

- Perfect!
- Perfect? That sounded terrible.

I'm gonna use Auto-Tune, and I'm
gonna take an ordinary, terrible singer...

and you're gonna think you're
listening to a voice of an angel.

♪ Yeah, I'm cruisin' in my
truck Headed out Highway 15 ♪

♪ This town is hopping
'cause it's Christmastime ♪

See how much
better Willie sounds?

- It is a little improvement, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Way better.

♪ It's Christmas
in West Monroe ♪

Yeah! How was that?

Hey, you nailed it there, R2-D2.

What, like I'm a singing machine?
Is that what you're trying to say?

Uh, he's got you
on Auto-Tune, Willie.

All the way up.

And it sounds way better.

Si, take me off Auto-Tune.

Now we gotta redo
the whole thing.

My favorite Christmas
present was my dirt bike.

Boy, did I ever have
some fun on that rascal.

I had a BB gun one time.

You can put your eye out
with one of them things.

I know. Mama took it
away when I shot myself.

My favorite gift was
Castle Grayskull.

Wasn't that a dollhouse?

No, that was a castle.

Castle Grayskull
was not a dollhouse.

It was a giant skull
where He-Man...

and the rest of the Masters
of the Universe would kick it.

Oh, that was the thing
you put the dolls in.

No, they were action figures.

He'd come home after a long day,
maybe shoot some pool with Ram Man...

get a little pat-pat
from She-Ra...

- It's awesome.
- It's a dollhouse for little boys.

It had a drawbridge. How
could it be a dollhouse?

It was the original man cave.

The He-Man cave.

- We gotta get to work.
- It's hammer time.

♪♪

Can't nail this ♪

Nice, buddy.

- Oh—♪♪
- ♪ Can't nail this ♪

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪ Are y'all through?

♪♪

♪♪ John Luke!

Sir?

Well, it's better than most duck
blinds I've built, I will say that.

- So, you know, hey.
- Thank you for the compliment.

I think all she
needs is a railing.

- That'll be the last thing we put up.
- Within the hour.

And you need to fill in
this big hole here, see?

See right here?

You don't want the
woman to fall off the porch.

Let me tell you about my dad.

When he notices something
that could be a problem...

everything stops
and it's speech time.

See, this ain't good. See?

- I know, but we—
- That ain't good.

- We're not finished.
- Watch.

I've seen him go on for hours.

See? Accidents, accidents.

He's stating the obvious.

Got a leg caught in
the hole here, boys.

There's a board that
needs to be added.

- We got this all under control.
- Yeah.

That's really all he had to say.

Theresser's 75 years old.
I'd fill that hole in pretty quick.

- Yeah, we'll fix it.
- Good work, boys.

I told y'all to put
that board down.

I thought we was
gonna put a rug there.

Christmas in West Monroe ♪

- It sounds good. Think we got it.
- ♪ Christmas is all about giving ♪♪

Hey, look, guys. How
much studio time we got left?

- Si, what are you doin' in there?
- Hey, give me 10 minutes.

We've got to get over
to the house dedication.

Look. I ain't gonna sing a whole song,
'cause I got a whole notebook full of 'em.

All right, five minutes.

Okay. Hey. Everybody
loves this one.

It's called "The
Yuletide Boogie."

- All right, boys, hit it!
- Three, four...

♪ Everybody get ready for
the yuletide boogie, boys ♪

♪ The yuletide boogie ♪

Because it's Christmastime
and I'm the best nephew...

I'm letting Si use our leftover studio
time to record a couple of his songs.

♪♪

I don't know if I
can call them songs.

They're more like
Christmas-themed screams.

♪ Hey ♪

The good news is
we're not recording.

♪ If Christmas was a woman,
I'd marry that redheaded heifer ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

The bad news is you
only need to hear it once.

If Christmas were a
woman, I'd marry that heifer?

Hey, no, no, yeah. Especially
if she was redheaded.

Because it's seared
in your brain forever.

♪ Love is a hidden mystery ♪

Okay?

♪ But nobody can figure it out ♪

I'm gone. Kids, let's go.

♪ Hey, go to Spain ♪

♪ And dance with a señorita ♪

♪ Oh, I don't care ♪

♪ Y'all do whatever
you feel like doin' ♪

♪ Hey, catch a
rocket to the moon ♪♪

This looks awesome.

I'll tell you what, I think
we may have pulled it off.

And guess who built the deck?

I don't know if
that's good or bad.

- What they got in the pots here?
- We got, uh...

I got ducks over there. Miss Kay
got chicken and dumplings in that pot.

- Man.
- Hey, Paul just texted.

- He'll be here in five minutes.
- Five minutes.

- Five minutes.
- Five minutes.

Should we hide?

It's finally time to surprise Miss
Theresser with her new home.

Are we doing "Merry
Christmas" or "Surprise"?

I think "Merry Christmas."
Let's do "Merry Christmas."

All right, we'll do "Merry" — -
♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪

No, Kay, don't sing.

I can't believe it all came together. I
mean, I'm actually a little surprised.

It's like a Christmas miracle.

All right, drumroll, please.

- Si! Uh-uh.
- What?

- We don't need a drumroll.
- Yeah, we need a drumroll.

Okay.

Here he is. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, here he is!

- Here he is.
- There we go.

- Drumroll!
- Si, stop!

Why are all these
cars over here?

- What is goin' on?
- I don't know.

- Here we go.
- Here we go, boys.

Here he is. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, here he is!

- Here he is.
- There we go.

- Drumroll!
- Si, stop!

Here we go.

Why are all these
cars over here?

- What is goin' on?
- I don't know.

- Here we go.
- Here we go, boys.

Look at her. Ah!

She's sayin', "Why'd
we stop here?"

- What in the world?
- Ready?

One, two, three...

Merry Christmas!

Here's your new house, Mama.

I'm gonna pass out.

Help me.

- All right!
- Come on, Miss Theresser.

- I can't get out.
- Come on.

There go your keys
to your new house.

- This is your new house.
- It's your new house!

Aw!

It's all right. You deserve it.

I can't think of a more
deserving woman...

of a new house...

than Theresser Lewis.

Theresser, what do you think?

Most people just think
in terms of money...

but it's way more than that.

Loving God and loving your neighbor
are the two greatest commands in the Bible.

This comes under the
heading of loving your neighbor.

We love 'em.

- That's your bathroom.
- Whoo!

Really, that's what
Christmas is all about.

You in the bathtub?

She's in the bathtub.

It's a good feeling.

All right, y'all bow a minute.

Father, we just give you
a great big thank you...

for Theresser,
all of her family...

Father, as you know probably...

I don't cry that much, but...

on behalf of my sister...

and her kids and grandkids...

Just hard to stop the tears.

We love you, Father,
and we know you love us.

Help us to love you more, Father,
each day, and love each other...

so all will see that we are one.

Thank you for
Theresser this day.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Amen.

All right.

Kleenex, please.

- Oh.
- All right, who's ready to eat?

- Get on them ducks.
- Let's go eat. Let's go eat.

We're all havin' a tough minute.

Hard to make

me cry. Couldn't
help it on that one.

For the Robertsons,
there are few things in life...

that are more
important than family.

- You want some dumpling?
- I'm gonna try everything.

But for us, the word "family"
means more than just blood kin.

It's also the people we grew up
with, the people we go to church with...

our neighbors, our
friends and our community.

When it comes to Christmas...

what really matters is showing
your family how much you care.

From sharing a song in your heart
to giving a good friend a new house...

what really matters
is the act of giving...

even if the song in your heart
is a weird Christmas carol...

that involves a lot of yelling.

Ladies and gentlemen...

friends and neighbors,
brothers and sisters...

I give you Willie and the Elves!

♪♪

♪ Yeah, I'm cruisin' in my
truck Headed out Highway 15 ♪

♪ This town is hopping
'cause it's Christmastime ♪

♪ And I'm crankin' up some
root Got my tree up on the roof ♪

♪ Rockin' a 10-foot
Louisiana pine ♪

♪ Just me and my truck
and the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Headed on home to the family
And I just can't wait for the kids to see ♪

♪ Oh, we are giving ♪

♪ And believing ♪

♪ Let the season
fill your soul ♪

♪ It's the sharin'
It's how we roll ♪

♪ It's Christmas in
West Monroe ♪♪

Yeah!

Merry Christmas! Merry
Christmas, everybody!

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!

Y'all wanna sing
a Christmas carol?

Hey. Everybody get ready
for "The Yuletide Boogie."

♪ Yuletide boogie ♪♪

Somebody please
take the mike from Si.