Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 3 - Quack in the Saddle - full transcript

Okay. Watch this. He can flex.

Okay.

- Whoa.
- Oh, wow.

Why don't you give me a
flex? A muscular—There we go.

There you go.

Being a parent, you want to do everything
you possibly can for your children.

- All right. Don't get bucked off.
- Willie, that's not encouraging.

- Bell, you're doing great.
- There you go.

Even horseback riding lessons.

Look at that. That's
priceless right there.

No, there's a price on it.
There's definitely a price on it.



I just wish Bella's dream here
wasn't so stinking expensive.

When I was 11, I wanted
to be a professional

bowler. About a
hundred-dollar ball...

It's good life lessons
you learn on a horse.

Same thing with bowling.

No.

But because I'm such
a good dad and I know

what it's like to have
a dream of your own...

- I'm getting back into bowling.
- Oh, no.

I'm gonna be as
supportive as I can.

Good job, girl.

- Tony, what's up. How you doing, man?
- Hey.

- Good to see you.
- How are you? Good. Good.

- Thank y'all for working with Bella.
- Yeah. She's doing really well.



Only thing is, it's kind
of an expensive gig, man.

- Willie— - I'm just
saying. I mean, they are.

They can be expensive, but
they also can make you money.

- Somebody's making some money
off these horses.
- Willie.

Look. Some may call me cheap. I
prefer the term "business savvy."

I haven't figured out how to make
anything. I'm just spending it all out.

Yeah.

You don't get to the position I am just
by throwing your money out the window.

We give horse riding
lessons out here.

We also make a good bit of
money on boarding horses too.

Bella's horse might
be a money pit...

I mean "investment
in her dreams."

But I wouldn't mind
making an investment in

something that actually
has a financial return.

If you really want to get in the
real money, you get into racehorses.

- Is that where all the money's at?
- That's where all the money's at.

Shoot, I need to get into that.

Pretty good investment.

- Kind of like bowling, you know.
- Oh, no.

Hey, there, little angel.

Hey, uh—Whoa. Whoa.

- What are y'all doing?
- Well, tearing up stuff.

That sounds about right.

- Yep.
- The Three Stooges.

Godwin thought he could
cut dirt with a buzz saw.

He tore up some
of our equipment?

- He tore it up. Not me.
- I didn't tear it up.

He said you'd cook us a
meal though. Is that right?

Motivation. Every time they'd start
to quit, I just say "chocolate pie"...

- and they'd start working again.
- Oh.

Okay. I'll make
the chocolate pies.

- What else did you promise them?
- What?

- Dead bird.
- Whoa. Fresh killed.

Oh, no. Bobo! Stop it!

Oh.

He gone.

That's his second one this week.

- Another one?
- Yeah. He just keeps killing them.

Bobo is like a
Rambo in the yard.

He's Rambobo.

He's an elite killing machine.

You name it, he'll kill it.

But I can't have dead
birds on my hands.

It's just gross. I don't
like holding dead birds.

You know, Bobo keeps eating those
birds. I think he's got a taste for 'em.

That's what little dogs do, like
Bobo. They kill birds and eat 'em.

Maybe we should get a
birdbath. Keep 'em safe.

Miss Kay, you'll have to forgive
me, but what exactly is a birdbath?

You see, it's like a bowl,
but it's a bowl for birds.

So they get in there and they
just wish and wash and curl...

and they just feel so good!

And he just sips his little
beak and his little wings...

Flutter, flutter, flutter!

Little bird. Little bird!

And then Bobo will see
that and be so happy.

He won't want to kill 'em again.

- That cleared it up for me.
- Good.

Hey. I know the perfect place.

My mom goes there all the
time. Got birdbaths and everything.

Great idea. Don't you think?

Hmm.

I never been on a bird
bathtub hunt, but hey.

- Today sound like a good day.
- Let's do it.

- Let's roll.
- Let's get out of here.

I know this sounds crazy, but what
do you call a place that has birdbaths?

Wait till you see it. I
would just call it unique.

Look at this guy.

This guy's got
potential right here.

You know why? See that
face? He's got a racing stripe.

Here you go.

Or not.

After going to Tony, I decided to check
out some of these horse investments.

This is exactly what I'm
looking for. That horse looks fast.

Oh, she's super-fast.

- As a backup, I brought along the guys.
- Si, quit giving that horse tea.

They're actually the only people
who know less about horses than I do.

Look at this. She
loves my deodorant.

She loves it.

Hopefully they'll just make me
look like I know what I'm doing.

This was the one I was actually
thinking you might be interested in...

- if you're looking for a racing prospect.
- Really?

Si, quit messing
with this horse.

I may invest in this thing.

Hey, I'm not bothering
the horse, all right?

We're having a
conversation here.

What?

- Si, that horse will bite you.
- No.

Hey, look here. When I was younger,
this horse kicked me in the head.

Bam! Which is
where my brain is at.

That's a good one.

And look—We... bonded and
connected at that exact moment.

- Si, you're making that horse nervous.
- Si, you're making the horse pulsate.

- "Pulsate."
- It's, like, pulsating.

Oh, no. Yeah. She's
pulsating, all right.

She's laughing right now,
listening to you clowns.

So from then on, I
could talk to a horse.

Hey. It's like Avatar.

I mean, I like this horse,
but it needs a cool name.

- I got it. What about "Dream Killer"?
- Dream Killer?

- Dream Killer.
- You don't like that?

It needs to be a quick-hitting
name like "Sharkey."

What about "Tron"?

- Tron?
- Tron.

Tron?

Sounds like a make-believe
Star Trek character.

- It's from the movie Tron.
- Okay.

I got a novel idea for you.

"Captain Explosion."

Just think about it.

Captain Explosions.

- That's pretty good.
- We ain't naming this horse
Captain Explosions.

Take it easy.

Look, I'm just telling you what the
horse said she wants to be called.

I don't know
about that part of it.

What does a horse
like this go for?

You're looking at
upwards of 50,000.

- Wow.
- Dollars?

Okay. I'm looking to
get my feet wet here.

Not go to the bottom
of the ocean, all right?

Just think about it, Willie. You
could recoup that in one race.

- Ooh.
- Hey, you gotta spend money to make money.

I mean, this is
a tough decision.

But if there's one thing I've
learned in all my years in business...

is that there's no substitute
for seeing a product in action.

Well, Willie. Here's your ride.

- All right!
- Okay!

- You ready to see her run?
- Yeah!

Let's see what she's got. Let's
see what you got there, you little...

- There she goes!
- Look at that sucker.

- Look at that.
- Kick it up a notch! There you go.

Uh-oh. What is this?

That horse just laid down.

Time to lay down and roll.

- That's a terrible sign.
- She's gone, boys.

I may not know anything
about horses, but I do know

something about employees
that take a nap on the job.

And I don't need
another one of those.

This investment just
got a whole lot shakier.

Was that a one-shot
deal when she ran?

Well, until feed time.

Huh.

Go get 'em, Captain Explosions!

Si, get off the
Captain Explosions.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know about a
horse that just lays down.

Hey. If you run 300
yards like she did...

you'd probably be tired
and want to lay down too.

I know. But I'm not an
expensive racehorse.

- This is the guy I wanted you
to meet, my jockey.
- Hey!

- How you guys doing?
- You're the jockey, huh?

What gave it away?

I don't know.

Probably because you're
lightweight and short.

- Si.
- What?

- It's true.
- Hey. I told it like it was.

It's nothing against the man.

Look, in the jockey
world, that is a compliment.

What about it there,
lightweight shorty?

Yo.

Si, you basically
called him a Hobbit.

Called him a Hobbit? No.
You called him a Hobbit.

I don't know quite what
it is about the little guy.

- But he's kind of feisty.
- Is there a weight limit?

Well, I wouldn't want to
be Willie riding on the horse.

Take it easy there.

- You'd have to bring back the chariot.
- Yeah. Two wheel job.

Hey, look. You don't want a
yes-man. "Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir."

You want a man got
a little oomph, okay?

And I think this kid's got it.

Do you win a lot?

Oh, yeah. I've won
my fair share of races.

- Now you're getting personal.
- Si, I'm putting money in this thing.

Especially him and
Willie are already at odds...

Hey. Hey, he's got my vote.

Look. You got the jockey.
He's proud of his record.

You got the horse.
She took off running.

She's lightning, okay?

- What do we want to do? Let's do this.
- I don't know.

Look, do I really care if Willie
makes a good investment?

Not really.

What's holding you
back? That's my question.

I was looking for
kind of a sure bet here.

- No. There's no sure bets in life.
- No.

But this is like sitting around
a poker table, guy comes in...

drops a huge amount
of money down...

Even if I'm not in the
hand, I want to watch.

You're talking about a
gamble here, all right?

- Nothing's for sure.
- Nothing's for sure.

I'm just here to make
sure that he goes all in.

- Pay the man his money.
- That's right. Pay the man his money.

What do you think, jockey man?

You gotta run to win.

- See? There you go.
- You gotta run to win, man.

Hey. Captain Explosion.
She's gonna win it.

We're not naming the
thing Captain Explosion.

Captain Explosion,
he's on top already.

Let 'er rip, boys.

- Willie, let's do this.
- All right.

- There you go.
- I'll think about it.

It's under consideration.

Oh, my goodness.
Isn't this beautiful?

"My goodness" is right.

This is the largest pile of junk
I've ever actually witnessed...

in my 68 years on the earth.

Well, I've been roped
into a lot of situations...

where I actually had
rather be somewhere else.

- Oh! Look at that one!
- Huh.

But I'll have to admit, I sincerely
underestimated this birdbath caper.

There's plenty of fountains
here to choose from. Look at 'em.

- Unbelievable.
- We could be here for hours.

That's what's scaring me.

I mean, the thing
just goes on for acres.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night!
- Think about that. It's nightmarish.

Isn't that gorgeous?
What do you think?

I actually am at
a loss for words.

Good night.

Oh, Phil. Look right here.

- Isn't that beautiful?
- It's a little redneck boy taking a leak.

- Isn't it gorgeous?
- Looks a little risqué to me.

I love the sound
of that. It's restful.

Oh.

- I gotta go find a bathroom.
- He gone.

- Running water got him.
- Too much.

Shoot. This is
gorgeous. I love this.

Tell 'em to load it up
and let's get out of here.

Don't be ridiculous.

- We gotta look at all of 'em.
- Huh.

I couldn't dream of a more
exciting place to pick out a birdbath.

Hey. Look up
there. Look up there.

I'm telling you, there was just every
kind of thing you can imagine there.

Oh, man!

Love them. Wow.
Look at that one.

There was one with
a pineapple on top.

- There's a bear!
- An elephant.

I found me some garden wizards.

- Those are gnomes, Godwin.
- Garden wizards!

I've got to get one or two or
three of those jack-o-lanterns.

- And Godwin found a huge eagle.
- Miss Kay. What about this one?

Oh!

Oh, boy. Wasn't me.

But then he broke it. Godwin's
good at breaking things.

So what about it, Miss Kay?
I don't care what you get.

Let's get something and get gone.
Get gone is what we need to do.

I know I'm gonna
find it. I know I am.

I mean, I don't
know what's left.

Oh! This is it right here.

This is the one. This is it.

Well, yay.

- Drew Brees will love it.
- And the birds will love it.

Hey. The birds and the
Brees. Just like that old story.

Well, there you go.

It's just about hip
high for me. It's perfect.

So let's get a salesperson.

These wizards are heavy.

- They're gnomes, Godwin.
- They got the pointy hats.

Good night.

Okay. I think it would
look good in the garden.

In the flowers?

Yeah. Just kind of by
the greenery, you know?

Let's look at it there.

- You go in there first.
- Where are you going?

- Why I gotta walk backwards?
- Stop it!

You know, sometimes a woman's
indecisiveness can be a good thing.

- What do you think?
- Nope. Think me and Bobo want it moved.

Oh, good grief.

Especially if the results are two
large men sweating profusely.

Hey. Look out, man.

What are you doing?

It's a wonderful thing.
A beautiful sight, really.

Looks a little uneven. Think
it'd be better by the flowers.

- You're drinking tea and they're sweating.
- Phil, he's getting tired.

You getting tired?
Are you getting tired?

Yo! We're getting somewhere.

- Is that it?
- That's pretty impressive.

- Well, this looks good right here.
- It's perfect. I'm telling you.

You think you like
that spot, Bobo?

I can see the look in his
eyes. He's, like, "Yup."

He said "Yes."

Thank God.

Now that the birdbath is installed,
the birds are finally safe from Rambobo.

I like you, Bobo. Good dog.

My yard will be like
a little bird paradise.

- So we can eat now, huh?
- Good call, Martin. We should do that.

That is, if Bobo hadn't
already eaten all of them.

He's eaten a lot.

Come on. That's the only thing
that kept these big boys here.

- Come on, Bobo.
- It's got a hole in it.

If it hadn't have been for that
chocolate pie, they'd be long gone.

Wasn't me.

- Godwin?
- Did you break that?

No.

We are fixing to make
some serious money.

I'm gonna make my whole
investment back just on this race.

- On this race, boys.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Take it easy. Take
it easy. Take it easy.

- Easy!
- Take it easy. Take it easy.

The fact that Willie actually
invested in a racehorse...

It just brightens my day.

Si, why don't you have some kind of
conversation and settle this horse down?

Hey. Willie told
me not to talk to her.

Don't talk to that horse. I am
running for the hills on this deal.

It takes a special
kind of recklessness...

to throw caution to the wind...

and invest in something
you have no knowledge of.

Everything's looking good here,
Damon. I like what we're doing.

- I'm excited.
- You ready to rock and roll?

Yeah. From a distance,
I'm ready to rock and roll.

From a distance,
ready to rock and roll.

Personally, I don't have the
stomach for risky investments.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh. Hey.

There you go, Captain Explosion.

But when it's Willie's
money— Oh, it's awesome.

That was all there was to it.

- Yeah.
- Did he just kick that wall?

- Quit kicking that.
- Hey. Take it easy.

She had what is
called a gas bubble.

Now that she's got rid
of the bubble, she's fine.

That's the story of my life.

Wait a minute. Is
that the same horse?

Nope.

What are you doing? We
had a winner with the other one.

That horse was lazy.

After interviewing
Captain Explosions...

I've decided to sponsor
a different horse.

One that's way
cheaper than $50,000.

You choose—You kept the
name, right? Captain Explosions?

It's Son of Amore.

He's called Son of Amore,
which means "son of love."

- You should have went
with Captain Explosions.
- Son of Amore.

♪ Son of Amore ♪

That just sounds like a winner.

There they are.

How about that suit, huh?

- The suit is nice.
- Like the duck on it? Isn't that awesome?

That is awesome.

- Eh. I don't know yet.
- Si!

Hey, guys. We gotta
saddle this horse up.

And, Willie, I want you to do
the honors and throw me up.

- Do the honors.
- Do the honors.

- Go throw him up.
- It's your horse.

Throw him up?

Yeah. Throw him up.
Put him in the saddle.

You're good at throwing up.

- Do I just throw you on it?
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

I don't think that's gonna work.

Look. There's two type
of animals out there...

Those that like Willie
and those that hate him.

Take it easy.

I think it's pretty clear. Horses
are in the group that hates Willie.

- Okay.
- Oh. There you go.

Easy. Easy.

- All right.
- Ride him like you stole him.

We're still working on trying
to find those that like him.

- Let's go win.
- See you, brother.

- That was frightening.
- I'm nervous.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Oh, crap.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- All right. Let's go to the box, huh?
- Yeah, let's go.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Hey. It's a gas bubble,
boys. He's trying to work it out.

♪♪

Oh! Hi-yo, Silver!

Kick it up! Kick it up a notch!

Captain Explosions! He's gone.

♪♪

You know what that
sounds like, boys?

Making money.

It's race day here
at Louisiana Downs...

and I've invited the
whole family to come out

and watch and share
in all the excitement.

- Hey, hey. There's us.
- There he is.

- Go number four!
- Hold on.

- They got our horse at 56-to-1?
- What?

So you're telling
me there is a chance.

That's about where
you boys are here today.

And despite all the
odds, all 56 of 'em...

All right, guys. They're
getting in the gate.

They're loading the chute.

I've got a good feeling
that this old Son of Amore...

is gonna be victorious.

- All right, boys. Cock the hammer.
- Let's make some money, boys.

All right. Here we go.

All right. Come
on. Start the race.

Here we go! Here we go!

All right! Come on,
Captain Explosions!

Come on, Son of Amore!

I can't even tell
which one's my guy.

All right. The race is on,
and Son of Amore is...

We're in last place.

- Are we in last?
- Yes.

All right. Excuse
me. Second to last.

But maybe he's a late
sprinter, you know?

For all the money
I paid, he better be.

Let's go, Captain Explosion!
Show 'em what you got, son!

Look. There is only one
way to win a horse race.

- Let's go! Hey!
- Let's go!

It's all about the rhythm, boys. Look.
You gotta become one with your horse.

- There we go.
- He's making his move!

It's actually like a well-orchestrated
song with his hooves hitting the ground.

And then the greatest thing in the
world, you hear that sound in the rhythm.

Okay, and then you hear
the crowd just go insane!

- Yay!
- Let's go!

Right? Varoom! You sprint down
the lane, cross the finish line first.

But hey. Of course that didn't
happen with Captain Explosions.

He lost.

God!

Pitiful. Well, there you go.

- I'm fixin' to break something.
- Easy come, easy go.

Yep. That was a real easy
go of my money, right there.

That's why gambling is
a bad idea. Right there.

- Yup.
- Shoot!

I just learned the
hard way that investing

in horses is maybe
not the best investment.

- Oh, my God.
- Yep. They're not happy.

Especially if Si is your
most knowledgeable source.

Captain Explosions, you're
a sorry, no-good heifer!

Oh!

Si, you realize we're in public.

Not only did I invest a
ton of money in this horse...

I went ahead and threw
down a huge bet on him to win.

- There goes my money.
- Sort of doubled down on that loss.

- It's gone.
- Pretty much hurts double.

Hurts your heart
and hurts your wallet.

Which then hurts
your heart again.

It's like a circle of crap.

Well, I think I'm officially
out of the horse business.

The good news is... I
invested in the other horse.

- God!
- And won.

What? You did?

Yeah-ha-ha!

Okay. Gambling is a good thing.

Here's what I think about this.

Okay. That's what he
thinks about that. It's gone.

- Where you going?
- Going to the bathroom to throw up.

- He gone.
- This party really died.

All right. Y'all bow.

Father, thank you for this
good food we're about to eat.

We appreciate your
kindness and your goodness.

- Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
- Amen.

Let's get on that bird.

Life is full of decisions...

from small things like
choosing a birdbath...

to big ones like
investing in a racehorse.

And let's face it, not every decision
you make ends up being a good one.

But what I've learned is
that no matter the outcome...

you can't be afraid
to take chances.

My dad took a chance 40 years
ago when he started this company.

And hey, look where we are now.

I guess the lesson here is that
there are no shortcuts to success.

When it comes to taking
a chance on something...

hard work and determination
are always your best bet.

Wasn't me.

- Oh!
- Can't take him anywhere.