Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 2 - Good Night and Good Duck - full transcript

- So where were you?
- A little makeup adjustment.

The lights are bright, son.

They show it all.

- That's embarrassing.
- Save it.

The Robertsons are doing something
very different this Thanksgiving.

- You all right?
- There's a lot of space under this desk.

- Yeah, there is.
- It's kind of cool.

Our local news program
Good Morning, Arklamiss...

has given us the keys
to their TV kingdom.

Do you feel lucky, lucky,
lucky, lucky? Yes, you do.

We're gonna show the good folks of
Arkansas, Mississippi and Louisiana...



how Thanksgiving is
done... Robertson-style.

I think you're supposed
to be looking right here.

Oh.

This camera?

Or that?

This? Somebody wave.

- You're looking at that one too?
- I'm looking at this one.

- Hmm?
- The light's on.

Oh.

Hello, Arklamiss. And
welcome to a special edition...

A Thanksgiving edition...

Of, uh— I don't even
know what this is.

It's just a special
holiday edition.

Robertson-style.



I'm Willie Robertson.

I'm Jase.

What, are you just Jase?

Just Jase.

- You're just one name?
- Just one name. It's memorable.

All right, we're gonna have cooking
tips from Miss Kay and Korie...

Korie?

Yeah. She wanted to help.

As long as Miss Kay is
there, it won't be screwed up.

Maybe.

Jase, you also have some, uh,
neat things you're gonna do, right?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna be
On the Case with Jase.

♪♪

Yes!

That's stupid.

There's nothing stupid about
it. I'm gonna be on the case.

♪♪

And my name is Jase. It rhymes.
Hit me in the middle of the night.

Speaking of getting hit, I
have some breaking news.

Going through the neighborhood—
You probably noticed this...

There was about a 40-pound
deer in the middle of the road.

- How's that breaking news?
- Somebody...

Hey. When am I gonna
get to do the weather?

I'll tell you when
you do the weather.

Well, look, don't get
all red-faced about it.

Yeah, you are kind of red
and starting to sweat a little bit.

Anyway, join us after the
break. Uh, come on back.

We're gonna launch right into The
Robertson Happy Thanksgiving Special.

So join us up.

Join us up?

Well, you botched that.

♪♪

All right, we ready
to do this deal?

- Willie.
- Look at his shorts.

What's wrong with showing
my legs? Who cares?

- They're hairy.
- Nobody can see them.

- Okay.
- All right.

♪♪

Today we got a treat for you.

We've got Miss Kay,
who is smiling a lot today...

- because she's
cooking— - I waved too.

Yeah. All right.

- Her assistant is Korie and—
- I chopped the vegetables.

Good job.

Okay, this is a big, fat turkey.

And I like it because I
like big, fat things to eat.

If you eat enough big,
fat things to eat then...

You'll be a full-figured
lady. But it's okay.

So the first thing
you want to do...

- Hand me the mustard.
- Okay.

This is my first time to do this. I
have never cooked a turkey before.

- Open this and just dump it in here.
- Okay.

So, Kay, for the viewers out
there who are wondering...

what are you putting
mustard on a turkey for?

Because it makes it
taste good. That's why.

- Uh, give me the two seasonings.
- Okay.

That's not how I fry turkeys. I
put the mustard on and then put...

- Shush. Shush.
- I'm just saying...

- It's not your show.
- I think you're doing it wrong.

- Now we want to mix that up.
- Willie, you might learn something here.

Pipe down there, mac and cheese.

Korie's still looking for the
box that this stuff came in.

All right. Thanks a lot.

And are you running
this show today?

- I got mustard on my hands.
- Well, technically, I'm...

That's good. That's a good sign.
Because what we're gonna do...

- Ooh!
- Is do this.

But the best part is
what Korie does next.

You'll rub that in just like
you'd rub Willie's back.

- Oh, no. Well, I just lost my appetite.
- But it's raw meat.

Of course it's raw.
We hadn't cooked it yet.

Korie, you're the assistant.

Just do it. Rub every inch.

- Without rubber gloves or anything?
- Oh, that's right.

- Get on in there.
- You'll get the feel of it.

I love it. Fooling with that.

Okay. I'm— - Don't do it, Korie.

- I'm not really used to— Oh, God.
- Come on.

- What is the deal?
- You're an artist.

She doesn't want
to rub your back.

No, you gotta stick
your hand all up in it.

Just— Just work it. You
know, like exercising.

- Okay.
- Yeah, work it. Work it.

- Okay.
- Squish.

Squish.

Oh, it looks so good.
Doesn't that look good?

- Can I wash my hands now?
- You have permission.

Thank you.

- That's not the way I do it.
- Well, I don't care. Is it your show?

Okay, we're going to the
next, but first, just last minute...

- just sprinkle a little on there.
- Okay.

- That looks good.
- Okay, it's ready to fry.

All right, we're gonna check back in
to see what they're doing in the kitchen.

Right now, we've got to get
your local forecast with Uncle Si.

Uh-oh.

Hey, before I get to the weather, look, I
got a special Thanksgiving treat for y'all.

Okay? All right, look...

most people think that Thanksgiving
is just about eating turkey.

But they really don't
know the story behind it.

- Okay, so here's what happened.
- Oh, boy.

The Pilgrims took
the turkeys with them...

on the Niña, Pinta
and Santa Monica...

and brought 'em to America.

But look, these
turkeys were evil...

♪♪

- Okay— - They got to
breedin' out of control.

Si!

The rest is history.

What about the first forecast?

Oh, I'm gonna get to that later.

It's supposed to be
first. Like that's the first...

Back to you, Willie.

All right, let's
end this right here.

And we'll be back with the
next section of something.

- We'll figure out what that is.
- Don't miss it.

♪♪

Okay, let's go outside
with a new segment called...

How's It Phil in the Woods?

For an outdoors
report with Phil.

- Phil, we got you out there?
- Are you there?

- Yes, we hear you loud and clear.
- We got you.

Get ready because our
fowl-feathered friends...

are on their way south.

- The grand passage has begun.
- Grand passage has begun.

There's a blue northerner...

coming down hard...

that is gonna lock up
this entire landscape...

tighter than a bungee cord
jumper's sphincter when he realizes...

he did not tie his bungee
cord onto the railing.

Get the number three washtubs.

Anything that crawls,
flies or swims...

we can kill it and eat it.

That's the report
outside. Over to you.

Lock your sphincter muscle up.

Okay. That was the awkward
woods report from Phil.

We're still not quite sure
what the bungee cords were for.

Tighten sphincters.
Think about it. You'll get it.

Hey.

- That's right.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Okay.
- I gotta go get him.

Delete. Edit.

- All right.
- Hey.

- We ready to roll?
- Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What is this?
- Is that camo and plaid?

- That clashes.
- Nothing clashes with camo.

You can't just show up on the
fashion segment and, like, ignore this.

- What's up with your hat?
- What's wrong with my hat?

- It's like Freddy Krueger.
- This is, like, in style right now.

- Wait a second. Do you have on makeup?
- All right, are we ready?

♪♪

Hello, Arklamiss. We
are gonna talk fashion.

We've got my sister-in-law
Missy, my daughter Rebecca...

- with her strange hat.
- Oh, my God.

What have we got
in store for us today?

So we're gonna show you a little
Thanksgiving and the fall fashion.

What you would
wear for Thanksgiving?

'Cause one of the biggest
decisions that I have to make...

is what I'm gonna wear to
eat my Thanksgiving meal.

Sweatpants are good.

- 'Cause after you eat
the meal— - Oh, God.

- Are we ready?
- Yeah, we're ready.

Okay, we have Sadie here. She's
wearing a little, simple black dress.

You said it right
with "little dress."

- What?
- It's a little short, isn't it?

It's the perfect length.

I like a dress that goes
down to the ankles.

- Dad.
- Sadie will look beautiful in anything.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you, Dad.

- Thank you, Sadie.
- All right. Who we got next?

- Next up is John Luke.
- What the heck are we doin' here?

So John Luke is wearing—What?

Um, yeah, I think
we got a little mix-up?

Those are women's jeans.

I thought they were a little
tight when I put them on.

John Luke, that is horrible.

- Yeah.
- Horrible.

- It looks good.
- That does not look good.

I agree with Willie. I
don't think that looks good.

- John Luke, defend yourself.
- They're kind of stretchy.

John Luke, why don't you sit down.
Let's do River. Let's get River in here.

There's River.

Oh, now there's a
classic look right there.

- Look how cute that is.
- That's awesome.

So cute.

- Those jeans, better, right?
- Yes. Much better.

Yeah, 'cause they fit.

All right, we're
gonna go back out...

and see what's happening
with the turkey dinner...

in the parking lot with
Miss Kay and Korie.

Korie's helping cook?

♪♪

Hi there. We are out here and we
are gonna put the turkey in the fryer.

So, um, Miss Kay.

Students, we have him all
turkeyed up and ready to go.

So we're gonna lift
this and put it in there.

- Okay.
- Ohh!

This sucker needs to
go to Weight Watchers.

Don't drop that turkey.

- We got it.
- Willie, hush.

- We got it.
- Do not drop that turkey.

Does it matter if the
turkey's, like, upside down or...

- No.
- Yes, it matters.

- It doesn't matter how it's in there?
- I don't think it will.

- Cook it breast down.
- Willie's saying cook it breast down.

Make sure— - Shut up.

I know about the breast.

- You got to put it in right.
- Shut up.

This will save you
from the grease.

So you want a long board...

and if you put two nails in
it, it will stay in the middle.

Yeah, but here's your
problem. This is heavy.

- Kay, you need to go— -
We have to go really slow.

You're gonna have
to lift it higher than that.

I can't.

Lift it up. Lift it up.

- Don't let it slide down.
- Slow.

- Okay. Okay.
- Kay, level!

- Shut up.
- Level it up.

- I can't level.
- Okay, here we go.

- Slowly.
- Here we go.

Slowly.

Oh, listen to that grease, Kay.

That grease is doing its job.

- You got it?
- I got it.

- Oh, beautiful.
- It is so pretty.

All right, how long does
that have to cook, Kay?

I forgot, but I'll look it up.

Kay, you can't say you forgot.

You know why I can't
think here? You're in my ear.

Back to you.

Okay. Well,
coming up next, uh...

I know what you'll need
if you eat a lot of turkey.

You're gonna need exercise.

So we're gonna have some
exercise tips from our brother Jep.

I believe they're
calling it "Jepercise."

Whose idea was that?

Give you one guess.

- Jep?
- Yep.

♪♪

Here we are with Jep and
Jessica's workout program.

- Jepercise!
- Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

That's how you do it.

Oh, there went my knees.

So this is a workout right
after the Thanksgiving holiday.

You put on a few pounds.

- You're gonna shed 'em... today.
- Whoo!

I'm more nervous now
than I was at my wedding.

I got my lovely assistants,
smoking-hot wife Jessica...

- and Godwin and Martin.
- I feel out of place.

They definitely need a lot
more working out than most.

They've been eating a lot of
turkey and pounds of dressing.

- Don't forget the pecan pie.
- Are we ready?

- Nope.
- Let's do this.

- Ready for some burpees?
- Nope.

- Do you know how a burpee works?
- Some what?

Burpees.

Down, out, push, up, jump.

- Whoo!
- Nothing to it.

- I'm gonna need more room.
- Do it, Martin.

Three, two, one, go.

Oh, that's all.

Let's go.

That's perfect, Godwin.

You're not even sweating.
Did you even do one?

- I didn't do but 30.
- You are not telling the truth.

The second exercise is
called mountain climbers.

You got to get down— One,
two, three, four. That's one.

- Y'all got it?
- If I did that, I'd fart.

Don't— Okay, you-you
take this one out.

- Yeah, you sit this one out.
- Okay, you just don't do it.

- Come on, Martin. You got this.
- No, we're a team.

What about something
for beginners?

We got these balls here.
You can sit down on this one.

- I'm in.
- Sitting down?

- Perfect.
- All right, sit on your ball.

- What kind of weight limits
these— - Oh, about 600, 700 pounds.

- Ahh.
- Oh! Hey!

This is easy, boys.

- This is called the twisting crunch.
- What's a crunch?

One, two, three. And
then you go down and up.

Are we ready? All right.

Three, two, one.
One, two, three.

Help! Help!

- Oh, no.
- He's down.

Well, that concludes
our workout segment.

- You need help?
- We're gonna need more than you.

If they get this guy
up, we'll be right back.

♪♪

♪♪Am I doing
the weather or what?

Move.

Well, this is where I
wanted to get to anyway.

Hmm.

Are you gonna do the
segment or you just...

There might be a weight limit to
that chair. And if you fall back...

- Do you want me to intro this segment?
- I got it.

- It's your freaking segment.
- Trust me. You're gonna like this segment.

♪♪

What is best...

A hot doughnut...

or Miss Kay's sweet potato pie?

Sweet potato pie, hands down.

You gotta get out with the
people, and that's what I did.

This is On the
Case... with Jase.

You should have just asked me.

We are here at Haskell's Donuts.

And what we're
attempting to do...

is answer the
age-old question...

What is the greatest Thanksgiving
dessert ever concocted?

- Look at that. That was a good line.
- Don't oversell it.

- Let me see that.
- No, no.

Is it the sweet potato pie...

- Is there a piece of the pie missing?
- I ate the piece on the way over there.

- That looks terrible.
- I couldn't help it.

- You gonna let us try it?
- No.

So tell us what you got.

- Sweet potato doughnut.
- Well, let's eat it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
he is lighting...

marshmallows on top
of sweet potato filling...

inside a glazed doughnut.

- Can I eat this?
- Yes!

Want you to try it.

- That dog will hunt there.
- I think what he means to say is...

we're onto something.

But it didn't matter, Jase. You could have
put anything in front of them two boys.

- You're missing it.
- All right, handle with care.

So what are we going for here?

Look, is it the
sweet potato pie...

or is it the flaming
hot doughnut?

There you have it, folks.

This is Jase— Changing
the world one ho...

- Oh, good grief.
- I messed up on that.

One hot doughnut at a time.

Back to you, Willie.

You don't think
that was awesome?

You never ended
up on a decision.

We're talking
joy-to-the-world type stuff here.

Which one won?

They make songs
about moments like this.

Okay, so that was, uh,
whatever that segment was, uh...

Jase's Case, in which
he made no case.

Uh, but after the short break...

we're gonna come back with
hopefully a real weather report from Si.

His five-day forecast.

My case was there
were no losers.

Hey, Tom, let me have
that weather clicker.

Or the whatchamacallit.

Okay. Only the one
in the middle. Got you.

♪♪

Welcome back. Up next, we're gonna
get the five-day forecast on the weather...

by none other than Uncle Si.

There is a monster storm coming.

Lightning.

Rain. A lot of rain.

Hey, this is pretty cool.

Look at all the pretty colors.

- Si.
- Whoa.

If I ain't mistaken.
Let me see here...

- Si, you got the weather for us?
- Hey, look.

This thing is a piece of junk.
Yep, that's what I thought.

Look...

Sorry about that.

But, hey, there's an algebra
equation on the screen.

Okay. Uh, boys, let's see.

It looks like you're
playing with the clicker.

I told you this
clicker's a piece of junk.

Do the weather, Si.

Yeah, I can see why they
never get the weather right.

Okay. All right, boys.

- Ha! There we go. Stay there!
- Si, do the weather.

Look, I'm in Texas.
Ride 'em, cowboy!

All right, hey.

Nope, that's the wrong way.
We don't want to go there. Okay?

Or we can go down in Florida
and go deep-sea fishing. Okay?

Weather permitting.

Okay. Always "chest" your local
forecast before you go out in the Gulf.

Okay, you see this
area right... here?

Okay, look, if you're
goin' on vacation...

that's the Bermuda Triangle.

You know, scratch
that off your list, okay?

- Why'd you let Si do the weather anyway?
- Okay, that's snow.

Because it's unpredictable.

Other planes flying
through space wormholes.

- Si!
- Hey! Quiet!

All right, we've had
planes disappearing— - Si!

Look, see that
orange and red there?

Look, that ain't an omelet
with red bell peppers.

Okay, that's a brutal
storm coming in, all right?

- Si— - We got bad
weather coming, jack.

- That's not a storm.
- Bad storm coming up, boys.

- A big one.
- That's rain totals, Si.

Look...

Ooh!

Looks like that storm system
we was just looking at...

hey, it's clearing up overnight.

'Cause tomorrow,
beautiful day everywhere.

That's if for tonight, folks.

Have a nice night, okay? Look,
and enjoy tomorrow's good weather.

Well, that was an interesting take on
weather with, uh, crazy Uncle Si, huh?

Some odd facts and, uh,
very little about the weather.

But up next—Yum, yum.

We're gonna carve a turkey, huh?

♪♪

- What's next?
- That's it. Go eat the turkey.

- We're done?
- Is it ready? Is the food ready?

You need to hurry
up and get over here.

It's getting cold. We've
been waiting on you.

Oh, look at this.

- Yeah, what about this spread?
- It's a good-looking bird.

- That's a good-looking bird.
- How about that turkey?

- You did good.
- Thank you.

- It looks pretty good.
- Why do you sound so surprised?

I... don't know.

- Tear me a leg off there.
- Hey, hang on.

We hadn't had the
prayer yet, guys.

I just want a little
bit of everything.

All right, we just want to say
thank you to the Arklamiss, KNOE...

for a holiday special...

from our family to yours...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Let's pray.

Father, we are so thankful
to be in your presence.

We're so thankful for
everything that you've given us...

for our food, for our jobs, for the
opportunities and for our families.

We just pray that everybody
takes a second and realizes...

that they should
be thankful to you.

We pray all this
through Jesus. Amen.

Amen.

Thanksgiving is a special
time for the Robertsons...

because it gives us a reason to celebrate
all the blessings we're grateful for.

Like food in our bellies,
shelter over our heads...

and, of course, all the
characters that make up our family.

But more than just being
thankful, this holiday is about love.

And we want to extend
that to all our viewers.

Thanks for tuning in and happy
Thanksgiving to you and yours.

This is Willie
Robertson signing away.

"Signing away"? What
does that even mean?

Shut up!