Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 7, Episode 1 - Glory Is the Reward of Mallard - full transcript

Ooh! It's a little
drafty, isn't it?

You gotta layer up.

I got another jacket on underneath
this, and a vest and two T-shirts.

Yeah, I should have
worn two pair of underwear.

- Definitely.
- Legs are cold.

- I'm kinda sweaty.
- Hey, both of you idiots shut up.

Okay? I can't see nothin'
with y'all yapping down there.

Our talking is
affecting you seeing?

All right, Jase, there's
some coming to the right.

- Some more?
- Good bunch of 'em.

Get ready.



- They heard you and turned.
- Get ready.

Cut 'em!

Bam!

Bam!

- Good night, bro.
- It got away from me.

The Robertson
clan back together.

The Robertsons
are in Scotland...

home of our Robertson heritage.

It's a little breezy.

I'm on the verge of landing
a huge UK distributor.

When we had a little free time, I
thought we'd get in a stag hunt.

Whoo!

Unfortunately, we haven't
seen a stag all day, so...

Trying to make the best of it.



Whew. Well, if it was duck
season, I'd be three for three.

- Nope. You missed all three times.
- How do you know I missed?

- I didn't even really shoot.
- I was lookin' at the end of your barrel.

Si, that's the
dumbest thing ever.

No, I know what the
dumbest thing ever is.

What?

You're the one that
scheduled a trip to Scotland...

two weeks before
duck season began.

Supposed to be stag huntin'.

Yeah, well, we're
not stag hunters.

- This is the only season open.
- We're duck hunters.

I'm actually excited
to be in Scotland.

It is the birthplace of not only
the Robertson clan and golf...

but of duck hunting.

- Why not come during duck season?
- It has nothing to do with duck season.

It's a business meeting.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Unfortunately, it's also
the home of the kilt.

These things are
awesome for stretching.

Look.

You've got total movement.

- Jase?
- Yeah.

Why is it when a redneck like
Will, when he leaves the continent...

he ends up in a skirt?

Hawaii was an accident.
This is on purpose.

You look like a
Catholic schoolgirl...

- Hit me one more time, baby.
- With hairy legs.

I'm a true Scotsman.

You're making me uncomfortable.
If you'd put your knee down slightly.

- I feel like— - I'm one
wind gust away from...

Willie Wallace.

I just threw up.

- Hmm.
- You ever heard of Braveheart?

- Have you ever— - Freedom!

- Freedom!
- Freedom!

Freedom!

One thing's for sure.
You won't see a stag now.

I wonder if he went by "Willie."

Tell me the truth. Do you actually
have something on under there?

You gotta leave some
things to the imagination, bro.

♪♪

Imagining that...
is a nightmare.

Freedom!

Jep, how does it be you
always end up at the kids' table?

This is the cool table.

- Jep.
- What is this mush here?

- Looks like burnt sausage.
- Looks like a fresh cow turd.

- Yeah, that's— - Go ahead
and take a big bite of it.

No. I don't think so.

I would. Thank you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

What is this here?

- Mmm.
- Blood pudding?

Mmm.

Thank you.

- Si, you love your blood in the mornings.
- No.

Top of the mornin' to ye.

Hi!

Oh, man.

Will, good grace, son. What
happened to your voice?

I guess I picked up
a wee bit of a accent.

Oh, no.

- And a bad one at that.
- It's got a little Scottish.

I like it, Will. It's kind
of a clash of countries.

Who are you? The
beardless Ansel Adams?

Ansel Adams did
landscapes, Will.

Let me go to landscape.
Oh, yeah. That's much better.

Ha, ha. That's real funny.

Smile time.

So I've got the Edinburgh
Castle lined up. Phil, you excited?

- Nope.
- All right, I'll take that as a yes.

- Edinburgh Castle tomorrow.
- I don't like having plans made for me.

We've gone through this.

I'm not making plans for you.

I know in the past my itineraries
were met with some... displeasure.

Let's go over the itinerary
of what we're gonna do.

- Here you go.
- Itinerary?

- Yep.
- This is like a second grader's homework.

But I have the perfect
remedy for this trip.

After Hawaii, no
more plans for you.

Awesome. That's the
best news I've heard.

I got my plans. What
you got? You got nothin'.

Just gonna walk out in
the streets and do nothin'.

Good luck with that.

- What are you doin' tomorrow?
- We have plans.

We're going to the
Highland Games.

- Highland Games!
- What are you guys doing?

Me and Jess are going on a
romantic motorcycle ride to the lochs.

If you're going for the
Loch Ness monster, I'm in.

You're not in.

- I'm in.
- Nope.

- Has the motorcycle got a sidecar?
- No.

I'm in.

I didn't come all the way to Scotland,
okay, just to go to see a castle...

or see something, you know, old.

I wanna prove that there is such
a thing as the Loch Ness monster.

I really came here
for one reason:

to actually set a hook in
the Loch Ness monster.

Me and Nessie battlin'—
Having a battle of wills. Okay?

- I'm in.
- We're not going to that loch.

What are you talking
about? Sure, you are.

No.

Be like old times
with Kay and Phil.

- Yeah.
- How was that, Dad?

It was a turbulent world.

Let him come.
It's not a big deal.

You go with them, Si. That's
good. But that's tomorrow.

Today we got tee
times in about an hour...

- so I included you on that.
- Good job on that.

- There you go.
- Well, that's common sense.

Today is the big day.

I'm meeting with the
potential UK distributor...

and I'm bringing my
business associates along.

There's a difference in
planning and common sense.

I'm in on the golf. I'm out on
whatever else you planned.

I would have brought
someone else...

but these are actually the
only business associates I have.

- Do not embarrass me out there.
- Look in the mirror as you're going out.

Plus, I never would
have heard the end of it...

if I hadn't agreed to
take these guys golfing.

Just don't screw
this up. All right?

- Your skirt's wrinkled.
- Smile time.

- Tee time's an hour.
- All right. Sounds good.

Let me grab this right here. I'm gonna
take this to the Loch Ness monster.

Loch Ness monster,
here we come, boy.

Ooh!

So this is it, huh?

- The birthplace of golf, St. Andrews.
- Can I hit it, babe?

This isn't St.
Andrews. This is Crail.

Oh.

You don't want to go to St.
Andrews, Willie. It's full of tourists.

Yeah, we don't want tourists.

Korie, keep your head down.

- Oh.
- Hit the sand.

- It just— It just hits the thing.
- Hit the sand first.

She's not very good.

- Yes!
- Oh, dear. It's rolled back in again.

Oh.

Anthony, what do you think about getting
the duck calls over here in Scotland?

- It only took me like four tries.
- Count all those strokes.

Well, like I said, Willie,
I love your products,

but we like our own
local brands over here.

Hey, we're kinda local.
We're Robertsons...

Of the Robertson clan.

- So is that your tartan then?
- My Tarzan?

Your tartan.

- Tartan?
- The pattern on your kilt, man.

I didn't really understand
a word you just said, but...

That was the only one
that came in a husky, so...

Husky?

It was the biggest
size they had.

- Fore!
- Hey!

- Oh, my goodness.
- Hey, you stupid idiot.

Hurry up. You're
holdin' up the game.

I'm trying to do
a little business.

Yeah, it's just my brother.
We have a special bond.

Look, I love my family and I love
owning and running a family business.

Shut up!

I just wish the rest of the family realized
I'm trying to run a family business.

The putting green is up
there. Be way more enjoyable.

Hey, shut up back there.

Willie, you lost your hat.

They're basically embarrassing
me at their own expense...

'cause last time I checked, they
make money from the company too.

It's very simple.
Deal or no deal.

- Colorful family, Willie, huh?
- Yeah.

Tell you what,
speaking of family.

My friend got me a
reprint of a painting.

It was from a
museum in Scotland.

- Who is it of?
- I swear it looks just like me.

I mean, that should
prove that I'm Scottish.

- Mm-hmm.
- There you go.

With the exception of my
family's continued self-sabotage...

You little chubby
knucklehead, let's go.

This business meeting is
actually going pretty well...

and I may even have just the
thing to get this business deal done.

Hey, paintings don't lie.

My doppelgänger painting.

We need to find out who
this guy is. He's somebody.

I know a thing or two about art.

When you come over for dinner tomorrow,
why don't you bring the painting with you?

I brought it from Louisiana.
I'll bring it with me.

You could have just taken a
picture in your phone, babe, but...

No, he needs to
see the real thing.

Have you ever seen a Scottish
king that looked like me?

- Uh, one or two.
- There you go.

Hey! Let's move it.

I'm trying to do
a little business.

Incoming!

- Isn't this beautiful?
- Where's Willie?

- Oh, here he comes.
- Where's the bus?

Willie, did you
get me a present?

Uh, no, Kay, but I've
got something good.

- You're not gonna believe this.
- Guess what.

So, Will, what
happened to your kilt?

I like the pants.
They look good.

Little loud, maybe. I mean,
"blend in" is the name of the game.

That— First thing that happens,
you get your legs blown off.

Okay, enough about the clothes.

Big news. We are not going
to the Edinburgh Castle.

Hoo!

We're going to another castle.

- Yo.
- Actually, it's a museum.

It's actually the...

- The H is silent.
- I think there's a D in it.

"Donnachaidh."

Anthony, my business contact...

has been pretty clear that he wants
to keep business local to Scotland.

It is a whole museum
about the Robertson clan.

How about that?

Bong.

- Can I open my present now?
- Mom, this is not your present.

Although we know the
Robertson family is from Scotland...

what I have in this box
is tangible evidence...

that not only am I Scottish...

but I might even be a descendant
of a powerful Scottish nobleman.

I've got proof in this box...

That he shipped
over here for $600.

That we came from nobility.

And if there's anywhere I
can find the proof, it's at this...

The Robertson Museum.

You wanna see a
little piece of history?

How you gonna
open it with no nail?

Wait. It'll be worth it.

- It is gonna be awesome.
- Wait.

You need fingernails.
I got fingernails.

Zip it up like this.

But you have to, like,
peel that off right there.

They did quite the
wrapping job on this thing.

Here. Try to pick it.

- Pick the tape?
- Yeah, pick the tape.

♪♪

Do you want us
to close our eyes?

No, just...

♪♪

- Oh!
- Yo.

That is one ugly dude.

That is you, Willie.

It's your face.

I think Willie's painting
looks just like him.

It just speaks of royalty.

- Who is he?
- Probably a warrior king. Lots of battles.

Well, he looks mad.

We can safely say they
didn't paint it for his looks.

I picture him surrounded
with all kinds of food.

He would have fruits
and vegetables...

and, of course, little— Little
meat pies just all around him.

They would all be dainty.

Hear ye, hear ye.

This is your king, King
Willie Robertson the... first.

No need to bow.

I knew one of my
sons would be a king.

Bring me your finest
meats and cheeses.

And some sheep.

- Sheep?
- I like sheep.

I like to play with
'em. I really do.

Here we go. There's the bus.

- Oh, yay.
- Are you all ready for a museum tour?

- Good morning, folks.
- Hi. Hey. How are you?

Very well. How are you doing?

- Ready to roll, huh?
- Oh, I like your pj's.

- My what?
- Your pajamas.

These are pants. They're
not pajamas, they're pants.

- Oh, good show.
- Look at this guy, huh?

- What about that?
- Looks like ya.

Robertson clan.

The only thing I know about
them is they make braw jam.

Can't understand a word you
said. All right, bro, you ready?

Right. You watch your elbow.

Is it a castle as well?

Okay. I'll get
that answer later.

So without further ado, I'll hand you
over to him to officially open the Games.

Good afternoon, folks—

Welcome to the
Scottish Olympics.

Jase, the Scottish
are in the Olympics.

I mean, technically, the Olympics
are the Scottish Olympics.

That man's got a point.

When I came out on
this Scottish countryside...

and looked at the competition
getting ready to start...

it kinda felt like déjà vu...

Like somewhere down
the line in my ancestry...

there were men
who rose up to fight...

and to try to win freedom.

I don't think I wore
the right shoes to this.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

Here I am, in Scotland,
smellin' the grass...

Oh, yeah. I'm
getting fired up, babe.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.

And hearing the band...

And I'm feeling
the need... to win.

- I'm thinking about entering this.
- What?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- You should.

You should. This is— -
No, this is like a real thing.

You can't just hop over
the fence and go try out.

- No, no, no.
- They have judges and...

I think it said
"open invitation."

What?

Jase is excited about competing
in the Highland Games...

and I think it's an
awesome idea...

even though it's one
of the dumbest ideas.

This is gonna be good.

Have you seen the size
of these people here?

That one over there looks
like the front half of a centaur.

Or like a two-eyed cyclops.

Godwin, a two-eyed
cyclops is basically a man.

That's a normal man.

I mean, what are the odds?

I decide to pursue
photography...

and then Jase decides to do something
that's obviously gonna put him near death.

- Tossin' the caper— Or no, "caber."
- What's a caper?

Who knows? But he can toss it.

It's gonna be the perfect day.

For me.

- Let's go find the registration tent.
- Oh, good grief.

There's the tent.
I think that's it.

You realize you're
in trouble, right?

I'm getting my
competitive juices flowing.

Competitive juices.

Where is that guy?

I don't know. He said
to wait right here, babe.

This vacation stinks.

- Babe— - Ought to
be me and you, Jess.

It'll still be romantic.

I was so... pumped
about a motorcycle...

cruisin' the Highlands...

like a metal-clad warrior poet.

- What?
- I wanted to be Bret Michaels.

You be one of the hot
chicks from the videos.

Which girl from the video?

Like, any of 'em. I don't know.

Real romantic, Jep.

It's not romantic
when he's here.

Of all the Bret Michaels
music videos I ever saw...

I never once saw some old,
creepy hemorrhoid-ridden uncle...

with his tea over
there in the corner...

talking about finding
the Loch Ness monster.

At this rate, I'm never
gonna get to see Nessie.

- There is no Nessie.
- She's out there. Trust me.

Nope. That—That
never made the cut.

I was pumped about
the motorcycle...

but if I got some kind of awesome,
like, red sports car that's fast...

- Yeah, that sounds good.
- That'll be cool.

- Here's your car, sir.
- My car?

- Yeah.
- That's not it.

- It is.
- Oh, pitiful.

No, I was talking
about, like, a sports car.

Yeah, this is a sports car.

- That's a— - It's
got two doors.

That's not a sports car.

Yes, it is. It's nippy, tight.

It'll go around
corners quite fast.

- Snappy?
- Nippy.

- Nappy?
- Fast. Nippy.

No, I don't think "fast"
when I see that car.

Sorry, sir, but this
is the only car we've

got left. It's quite
busy this time of year.

- That's the only one?
- Only one.

- "There can be only one."
- Highlander.

- You like Highlander?
- Love Highlander.

- That was a good movie.
- Awesome movie.

- What are y'all talkin' about?
- A movie. Hello. You just quoted it.

Nah. I was talking
about that little car there.

- Does that actually have an engine in it?
- Yeah.

- Two mice runnin' on a rubber band.
- I mean like a muscle car.

Like—Whoom!

Mmm, this is more like— Mmm.

Yeah, I'm looking for—Whoom!

- No, you're not getting that.
- Whoo, whoom!

No, we're talking about...

Simmer down now.

We're talking about power.

That's got good power.

- No.
- No.

Hey, by the way, which one of the lochs
has got the Loch Ness monster in it, Jack?

- Loch Ness is a hundred miles from here.
- No, this one here.

You don't understand, okay?

There's subterranean
caves that connect 'em.

Underneath. Subterranean.

So are you taking the car?

All right, backing up here.

- Oop. Wrong way.
- Whoa, whoa.

- Wrong way, boys.
- Try it again.

♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of tea on the wall ♪

- ♪ Ninety-nine bottles of tea ♪♪
- This vacation stinks.

- This is beautiful weather.
- It is.

Come on, babe.
Don't hurt yourself.

First aid tent is waiting, Jase.

I think I got this.

Put your back in it.

Yeah, that's what
I'm worried about.

Like my great
ancestors before me...

I have entered the
Highland Games...

I got a few things
creaking here.

The true test of manhood.

I notice y'all are a
lot younger than me.

With the exception
of wearing a kilt...

which, evidently, you have
to wear in order to compete...

I actually feel pretty
good about this.

Have you ever seen
anybody get injured doing this?

I got you. Mmm!

Let the games begin!

Do they have rain delays here?

I've always wanted to say that.

I'm gonna kind of conserve
my energy till the race part.

Okay.

All right, I'll see
you out there.

Okay, Jase is competing.

After 24 years of marriage, I
should have seen this coming.

Whoa!

Oh, my goodness.

- Good luck.
- Good night.

The only thing that I ask...

Please don't get injured.

I wonder if they
have a golf ball toss.

You wanna impress
me? Don't get hurt.

Lookin' at him and lookin' at these
boys, if he makes it past the net...

he should consider
this a moral victory.

- Come on, Jase.
- Oh, God.

I think I got this.

Okay.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

- I gotta stay behind this?
- Yes, Jase.

Yeah, that's why it's there.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good job, babe.

The shot put may
not be my specialty.

I'm built for speed.

They didn't even give you a
mark. They forgot you were there.

And it just so happens
the sprint is the next event.

You want me to give
y'all some tips on this one?

I'm looking at these guys.
They have no chance.

They're simply too
large to move fast.

Okay, here we go.

There is no way I
will lose this event.

Okay, here we go.

Hold on!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

No!

That big fella could move.

Tell you this. I am shocked.

Hey, that guy had you
by a hundred pounds.

What are you doing?

Never view a very,
very large man as slow...

because there are exceptions.

- I didn't finish last.
- No, you finished about fourth.

Good job, babe.

These guys have literally
defied the laws of physics.

They're freaks of nature.

Ooh. That's a telephone pole.

He just picked up
a telephone pole.

Hey, yow. He got it.

- He about flipped it in the air.
- He's the whole centaur.

- Call him that to his face.
- No.

- Jase, don't call him a centaur.
- Oh, my gosh.

Jase, do you see
that? That could kill you.

This is the dumbest
thing you've ever done.

If you feel a surge, go for it.

The single most dumbest
thing you've ever done.

You're a Robertson.

Oh, boy. Oh, he's
sizin' it up now.

Oh, boy.

Good job, babe.

Look, not everything is
about winning and losing.

Hey, Martin!

I mean, I'd like to
win, but in this case...

a simple toss, give me last
place and let's move along.

All right, go.

Hey, hold on.

- This is a bad idea.
- I finally did it.

Sometimes you find
the joy of surviving...

and that's what I've
chosen to do in this event.

Two, three.

That's it.

The fact that I
survived to tell about it...

it's something.

- Missy, just tossed the caber.
- Good job, babe.

Thanks, babe.

♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of tea on the wall ♪

- ♪ Ninety-nine bottles of tea ♪
- Look how pretty it is!

It's pretty, and then I look in the
backseat and it gets really ugly.

♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of tea on the wall ♪

Si, you can't just
keep singing 99.

♪ Ninety-nine bottles of— ♪

There's a lot of
Robertson traditions...

♪ Ninety-nine bottles of—♪♪

And one of 'em is to figure
out who gets stuck with Si.

The guy that invented this
car must've been an idiot.

He built the front part,
got tired and just left.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my Uncle Si.

But getting stuck with him as a
third wheel, that will ruin your day.

Good grief. My
hemmies are actin' up.

Yeah, my hamstrings
are tight too.

No, I ain't talking about hamstrings.
I'm talking about my hemorrhoids.

- Ew.
- You gave your hemorrhoids a nickname?

That's a term of endearment.

We're in it together
for better or worse.

When are your hemmies
ever for the better?

Deep breath, son. Deep breath.

That's a good way to start
out a romantic getaway.

Yep. Nothin' says
romance like hemorrhoids.

Good grief.

Well, folks, we're
arriving at your destination.

This is it?

- This is it.
- Are you kidding me?

Don't get me wrong. I'm honored that
there's a museum about our ancestry.

This definitely isn't
a castle, huh, babe?

It looks like a gas station.

But I was expecting something
kind of cool, like a castle.

Okay, folks, you wanna
come in and see your museum?

- George, are you sure?
- This is it, big man.

This is it.

Oh, crap.

Or at least a museum that's
bigger than a double-wide trailer.

I don't even think it's as
big as a double-wide trailer.

You enjoy it.

Did we get wiped out
or something as a family?

Hello! The Robertsons are back.

- You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Well.

We just drove two
and a half hours.

- Hello.
- Are you just passing through or...

are you part of the clan?

I think we're part of the clan.

Welcome to the land
of your ancestors.

Do we favor the Robertsons,
from what you remember?

Uh...

We had one chief by the
name of the Grizzled Robert.

The Grizzled Robert?

Yes. I wonder if that's
where he gets it from.

Hey.

Trust me when I tell you that
I'm not a museum type guy...

but now that I'm here, I'm
getting kind of fired up about it.

Our most famous chief
is Alexander Robertson.

This is my name.

Phil Alexander Robertson.

- They named me after this dude here.
- Right.

He was a real character.

For some reason that
doesn't surprise me.

I'm learning some things.

I'm like, whoa.
Didn't know that.

You're making me feel
pretty proud just to be here.

You know, it is a little bit exciting
to learn about your own bloodline.

We were Scottish.

Pretty interesting. See
where you came from.

Overall, did the Robertsons
have a good name or a bad name?

Um...

Some of the Robertsons
were in a lot of trouble.

That sounds familiar.

Will, you want to add
anything to the conversation?

You're hearing about your
ancestors, some good, some bad.

What about these Scottish pants?

- Um, well, you shouldn't really
be in here wearing those.
- Really?

- That is not a Robertson tartan.
- Oh!

What would the real
Robertsons do if they saw

a guy like this with
those kind of britches?

They'd probably shoot him.

Yeah.

So far, all I've learned about
my heritage on this trip...

What if all my
Robertson stuff is dirty?

Shoot him.

Is that a few hundred
years ago, they would

have killed me because
of the color of my pants.

What else you got?
What's the little crystal ball?

Right. This is a
piece of rock crystal.

Whatever. I'm just here to
find out about my painting.

King Robert the Bruce
was fighting Bannockburn...

and he actually defeated
quite a large English army...

- and they thought that this was magic.
- That's awesome.

What about this piece, sir?

Obviously a Robertson.

Never seen it before.

That help?

It does look like me.

Yeah, you're both a
bit on the bulky side.

A bit on the bulky side.

You can't even see his
body, man. This could be...

Oh, you can tell—
- You can't tell...

- You cannot see that.
- You can tell. You can tell.

Yeah.

I can't believe
that after all this...

I'm no closer to finding
the origin of my painting.

You sure he wasn't like a
king? Like King Robertson?

- Um— - I'll take that as a yes.

Well, you take
it how you like it.

We pretty much just threw
this day right in the toilet.

Or the "lavy," as
the Scottish call it.

I guess I did learn
something on this trip.

The chances of this guy
being a member of the clan is...

Definitely unlikely.

- Well, Will, there's the verdict.
- We're outta here.

- Unlikely.
- Y'all ready?

Thank you so much.
That was great.

- Come back again,
but don't wear those trousers.
- Yeah. Sorry about that.

- We'll get him the right ones.
- I'll take him shopping.

- Bye, Charles.
- Thank you.

My name is Donald.

- Hey, Si.
- What?

What's the plan?

The plan is, we're fixing to
have a Loch Nessie sighting.

- What if she eats you?
- Hey, who wants to live forever?

And you just quoted
Highlander again.

I don't know what the deal
is with the Highlander, okay?

They were immortal.

Every time you cut somebody's
head off, you gained their powers.

I thought you just
said they was immortal.

That's what I'm saying.

If they're immortal,
hey, you cut their head

off, hey, it wouldn't
even make no difference.

The movie sounds logically
flawed to me. Just think of that.

Think about people
going out with a fishing

pole trying to catch
the Loch Ness monster.

- Oh, I am gonna get 'er.
- Good luck with that.

Hey, you got anything
in that basket?

Yes, I do.

Si, we ain't got
anything for you in here.

What do mean, you ain't
got nothing for me in there?

It's just two. Party of two.

I'm not gonna say I put
a lot of effort into this...

but I put a lot
of effort into this.

- Hand me that meat.
- No, Jess, don't give him the meat.

- Hand me the crackers.
- Don't give him the crackers.

- And the cheese.
- Don't give him the cheese.

- You got any—The cheese.
- Don't give him the cheese.

This is my dream picnic.

I paid £300 for that basket.

Do you know how
much that is in American?

I have no idea.

Si, quit droppin' the food.

Come back here.

Si has just Freddy
Krueger'd my dream, all of it.

Jess, this vacation stinks.

Jep, we're in Scotland,
and it's a beautiful day.

I mean, just look at that view.

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

Jess, my view is of an idiot down there
trying to catch the Loch Ness monster.

Jep, he's wearing
camo. He blends right in.

- No, he don't.
- Just ignore him.

Look at him.

It's so romantic.

Whoa.

I was hoping to get some
pat-pat while we were out here.

Now I'm not even
gonna get a single pat.

We're not doing so good, Jase.

It's like the turtle and the
rabbit. I'm finding my way.

- I think he's doing great.
- Thank you, babe.

I do too, 'cause
he's injury-free, so...

Hey, guys, listen, we're short a
tug-of-war team for the competition.

- Tug-of-war?
- Yeah, you pull the rope...

Oh, yeah, I got it.

Tug-of-war? This is
something I can win.

- How many we need?
- Three men.

Take the two heaviest, Jase.

Just because of the two
guys that I have with me.

- You don't mind losin', do you?
- No problem at all.

You tell 'em we're coming.

I mean, when's the last time you
tried to pull 700, 800 pounds anywhere?

We can't lose.

Stand! Stand! Stand!

I have to admit...

this is not the little light
and funsy tug-of-war game...

that we played at summer camp.

But that doesn't matter.

When William Wallace
faced certain death...

We're in trouble.
We're in trouble.

Did he beg for mercy?

Heck no!

They're gonna drag us through
here like a bunch of yard dogs.

He gave an inspirational speech.

They may take our lives, but
they'll never take our freedom.

It's time to get serious now.

I'm here to inspire
my team to victory.

We're gonna need some fans.

Y'all gonna cheer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Good job, babe.

Oh, it's on.

On the rope, take
the strain and pull.

Oh, no. This looks serious.

♪♪

Strain!

Pull!

Go, baby!

Get it, get it, get it!

♪♪

Whoo!

For two seconds, I
thought we had a chance.

I was never that optimistic.

I might have lost out on
the Highland Games trophy...

A "well done" to our
American visitors.

A grand show they put up there.

Martin, don't you hurl.

But this whole experience...

brought me closer
to my homeland.

Good job, babe.

Literally.

♪♪

Are you happy,
babe? You participated.

- I'm not happy that I lost.
- I'm happy we survived.

We may have lost,
but we lost together.

Okay, that's it. I'm
getting these shoes off.

- I can't do it anymore.
- Take them off.

It's all muddy.

- I'll tell you what. I'm gonna carry you.
- What?

- I can carry you.
- Oh, boy.

I might have lost
the battles today...

- Oh, my goodness.
- Hey!

- Here we go. Little wobbly.
- Okay, here we go.

But you see who's
carrying out the prize.

Let's go.

Now that's my man right there.

Liberation and freedom!

I think it's clear who
the real winner is here.

Me.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Okay, maybe I am a little sore.

Let me down, let me down.

Whoa! There we go.

Babe, this is so romantic.

It is, babe.

You're so right, babe.

Mmm.

What is that creep doin'?

Hey! What are you doin'?

- What are you talking about?
- Why are you staring at us?

I ain't staring at y'all.

- Yeah, you are, you Peepin' Tom.
- Hey, I ain't no Peepin' Tom.

I'm looking for Nessie.

Nessie's not on land.

Hey, she hunts on land when the
pickings are slim out there in the water.

Uh-oh. I think I got a nibble.

Yeah. Get after him.

I've been deep-sea
fishing before, okay?

All right, Nessie, here we come.

And I've set some hooks
in some pretty good fish...

Uh-oh.

- What is he— - Uh-oh.

But nothing compared to the power
I felt when I hooked into Nessie.

There she is! I got her, boy!

Si, you're hung up on the dock.

I'm talkin' about— Hey,
you talkin' about muscle.

Oh! It's a big old water heifer.

You are hung on the dock.

I ain't hung on nothin'
but this big heifer.

Nessie is like 10 muscle
cars all rolled into one.

Goodness, I can't
even turn the wheel.

I'm talking about, you
know, 444, okay, with Hemis.

This heifer has got some power.

Jep, you need to see this.

You know what? This ain't so
bad. It's like dinner and a show.

- Jep! Hey!
- Si's always entertaining, babe.

I need you to help me. I ain't
gonna be able to hold this big heifer.

I'll be there in a minute.

- Come give me a hand.
- I'm not moving from right here.

Jep! Come on.

Nope. That's it.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

To a nice day in Scotland.

Too much water horse...

too little a man with
too many hemorrhoids.

So have you all enjoyed
your day out in Edinburgh?

We have had an
awesome time in Scotland.

We've tried to trace the
history of the Robertsons.

I don't know how successful
we've been, but at least we tried.

I admire what you're doing, Willie,
delving into your family heritage.

- I'm all about family.
- Mmm.

So, you think we're
getting close on a deal or...

Is that the painting there?

All right, we're gonna catch
back up on the business.

This is the painting
that I wanted you to see.

Well, I've got a book...

- A boot?
- I can show you.

- A boot?
- A book.

- Book?
- Yeah, book.

- Book.
- A boot?

He's going for a book.

Just as my confidence
level was dropping...

from "doubtful" to "there's
not a chance in heck"...

Anthony reveals that he
may have the information...

I've been trying to
find for him all along.

A boot?

And apparently he
keeps it in his boot.

Does this look like me?

Hear ye, hear ye.

You're in the
presence of nobility.

You look like a chubby vampire.

Well, you're ugly.

I'm finally about to find
out once and for all...

whether I'm a
descendant of a king...

or I was just born
lookin' like one.

He even has the same scowl
that Willie has sometimes.

- He looks disgusted.
- He looks like he's got gas issues.

Like one of them guys
in the movie Highlander.

Okay? They live forever,
till you whack their head off.

See? I knew you'd
seen Highlander.

Everybody's seen that movie.
What are you talking about?

Best of all, I can finally
prove to Anthony...

that I'm a real Scotsman.

I'm tellin' you. Look.

I got this contract in the bag.

This guy was a obvious
war hero nobleman...

- Who ate a lot.
- Who loved cheeseburgers.

- I love cheeseburgers.
- I do too.

Hey, get off the cheeseburgers.
You can't even tell how big his body is.

You can tell he's rotund, buddy.

- It's a big coat.
- That's what I'd have said.

I am Lord Willie the first.

Is that a good Scottish accent?

Mmm, not really.

Burn. Work on that.

- We've got the book.
- There's the book there.

- There. Portrait by Lorenzo Lotto.
- Get outta here!

- He was an Italian art collector.
- He's Italian?

- Indeed.
- I thought he was Scottish.

No, it was on loan at the
National Museum in Edinburgh.

Oh, crap.

It turns out that my genius idea to
impress Anthony with the painting...

has backfired.

I thought I was gonna
prove that I'm Scottish...

and instead, it just proved that I paid
$600 to ship a painting to Scotland...

for no reason.

Odoni was a very muscular man...

and all the ladies
of the land...

thought he was sexy.

You're making that up!

Yeah. It doesn't say that.

It says something like that.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to resort to plan B...

Hoping that he wants
to make a deal anyway.

Well, he may be Italian, but
we're Scottish, and we're thankful.

You're really committed to your
family heritage. I respect that.

I think we can do
business with you, Willie.

Put it right here. Let's
do it American style.

- Cross over here,
snap it— - Okay.

Shake it.

No?

- Okay, folks, let's eat.
- Let's get on that haggis.

Father, we do thank you
for giving us a glimpse...

of our country of
origin, old Scotland.

I thank our hosts...

who have been so
gracious with their hospitality.

Thank you for loving
us. Through Jesus I pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Who's ready for some haggis?

I'll take some of that haggis.

There's your taker right there.

Even though there's a point in life
where we physically stop growing...

that doesn't mean we have
to stop growing as people.

Whether it's expanding
your family business...

traveling to distant places
with your loved ones...

or trying to find a
fictional sea monster...

one of the best ways to grow as
a person is to grow as a family—

Even if it means letting your uncle
think he actually hooked old Nessie.

Si, what are you doing?

- I'm workin' on a Nessie call.
- Oh, my gosh, Si.