Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 9 - Lake Boss - full transcript

3.21 gigawatts.

- I like the third one.
- The second one, that was the best.

I don't know what y'all are
talking about. I've never seen 'em.

You've never seen
Back to the Future?

No.

This comin' from a guy
who watches Air Bud...

and carries around
the tapes in your truck?

You got it. Hey.

So, if Air Bud had a
time machine, you're in?

No, we're talkin'
real stuff here, okay?

Not, you know, science fiction.



Hey, guys.

What about— Oh.
Thought you were Willie.

- Nope, it's just me. I need your help.
- Oh, boy.

Willie's birthday is coming
up, and I am fresh out of ideas.

Karaoke machine.

Mmm, I'm not sure about
that for, like, a guy. I mean...

- I'm with Korie on that.
- Taco party.

You mean, like,
a party with tacos?

- Hmm.
- What we can do— Look.

We can all bring our
guns— Shotguns, rifles...

I'll bring dynamite and napalm.

All right? We'll come
at your house at night.

And we'd shoot stuff and
just have a big ol' party.

- Mm-mmm. I'm not feeling it.
- Okay.



Jase, it's Missy's birthday
too. What'd you get her?

I've got her taken
care of. I got her a red...

- DeLorean.
- Convertible for her birthday.

- No way.
- Oh, yeah.

- You gave it to her already?
- Oh, yeah.

Now the pressure's on.

What do you get the
redneck who's got everything?

- Willie's hard to buy for.
- Yeah.

So you give him something
greater than an actual gift.

- Have a gun party.
- Mm-mmm.

You give him an experience.

- It's gotta be good though, Jase.
- We go to D'Arbonne Lake.

- Wow!
- Just like when we were kids.

- We take him
back— - To the future.

- Shush up.
- That's actually not a bad idea.

When I was a kid, and we
lived on D'Arbonne Lake...

we didn't have the means
to really enjoy it properly.

Think back to when we were
kids. We were on the bank.

We were catching
fish, making mud pies.

We're gonna go
back to our roots.

But this time we're
gonna do it right.

Get us a speedboat. We're
out on the water. We fish.

- And then we could lay out in the sun.
- Perfect.

It's not often that I get to do
something really nice for my brother.

Jep, we're not
laying out. Not...

- I'm doing it, buddy.
- Jep.

So he better
enjoy it, savor it...

and not get used to it.

It's a great idea, but you
have to actually pull it off.

Do I not come through when it
comes to organizing adventures?

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

What are you talking about?

- 50-50 at best.
- Yeah.

- If you're connected, and I am,
you can pull it off.
- All right.

- I will guarantee it.
- Where are we gonna stay
this time of year at the lake?

It's gonna be packed.

My uncle's got a
lake house up there.

Godwin's got an uncle! I
told you I have connections.

- Okay, I think— - I'm not even
trying and it's just happening.

It's just fallin' into place.

Everybody can celebrate
together. It's perfect.

- And we'll highlight
Willie because— - Yeah.

- Missy got the red convertible.
- Yes.

I can't wait to see what
you get me for my birthday.

I'll get you something
great next year.

- What do you mean next year?
- That'll be incentive to stay alive.

Thanks a lot!

Do not break the rods.

That's the number-one
priority of this packing.

Let's go!

We're just burnin' our time. We
could be on the lake right now.

- You could have just said let's go.
- I thought this was a good reminder.

Willie!

If we're gonna do
something, we need to go.

This is not easy
organizing this crew.

I know. I have to organize you idiots
every day at work. It's maddening.

No, we're organized.
You just don't think we are.

This is— -

Don't get me
wrong. I'm touched...

that Jase would want to
prepare a birthday vacation...

up to Lake D'Arbonne
with the whole family.

Maybe we should give
him the benefit of the doubt...

'cause he pulled that
surprise off for me.

- Maybe he's on a birthday roll.
- But it's a pretty big endeavor.

And about the only thing Jase
knows about planning is how to avoid it.

Let's go. Crap.

Getting this family
together is like herding cats.

Ow!

John Luke, how are we
gonna get 'em in the cars now?

Crazy street cats that hiss
at you when you get too close.

I'm concerned this little trip
may not ever get off the ground.

Somebody break his fingers.

Hey, we goin' to
the lake or not, boys?

You ready?

- The boat place?
- Are you surprised yet?

You did what I think you did?

What's the holdup? I thought
we was going to the lake.

We are going to the lake. I
gotta get something for the lake.

- What?
- It's a surprise.

Well, hey, let's
get it and let's go.

- You didn't do what I think, did you?
- What do you think?

Even though it was
a slapdash plan...

Jase setting up this trip to the
lake house is actually pretty cool.

You bought Missy a car.

And?

But if he's doing what I think
he's doing, I'm literally blown away.

Picking up a little
birthday boat?

Whoo, son!

I mean, a boat? For me?

I've never gotten him
anything that big before.

'Course, other than employment.

Son, you big spendin'.

Makin' it rain up in here.

But I hope he doesn't think he doesn't
have to build duck calls anymore.

That ain't gonna happen.
But I do thank you for the boat.

"I'm on a boat."

What are you, crazy?
I'm not buyin' a boat.

You'll see. Come on. It's
better than buyin' a boat.

- What's better than buyin' a boat?
- You'll see.

- Willie. Jase.
- Hey, E.K.

- What are y'all up to?
- I don't really know what we're up to.

It's Willie's birthday, and,
uh, I'm gonna rent him a boat.

- You're renting a boat.
- No, I'm renting you a boat.

I don't rent boats,
man. I sell boats.

Oh, great idea, Jase.

Let me. I— Let me handle this.

Where I come from
everything is for rent.

No, everything's for sale.

Tools, phones, wheels.

What about this
big pontoon boat?

Well, now we can
make a deal on that boat.

- So, you'll rent that boat?
- No, we sell it.

Bartering is our lifeblood.

Wanna buy one?

I mean, I've rented
a car before...

and my payment was letting
the guy use my huntin' dog.

What about this? I'm gonna
pay you some money to rent it.

- I would rather sell it to you.
- I know.

And get more money.

I used his car for a week. He
took my dog huntin' one day.

Good trade.

I got some party barges.

- A party barge would be good.
- E.K.

- It's for the family.
- I don't want no party barge.

You look like a party
barge type of guy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Sittin' in that captain's
chair, eatin' hot dogs.

- He's got you pegged.
- Party barge is what it's all about.

You should get a party barge.

No, you should get a
party barge. It's my birthday.

I just bought Missy a car.

Do you want me
to buy a boat too?

I do have two party barges.
I'll make y'all a package deal.

Take 32 thousand
apiece. Be $64,000.

I'm outta here. I'm
gonna wait in the car.

Hold on! Wait a
minute. Don't panic.

- We're, look— -
Nobody's panicking.

I'm just sayin' I'm gonna go sit
in the car. I'm not buyin' a boat.

Well, let's move to the back. I
might would rent you my boat.

Well, that's what we needed
to know 30 minutes ago.

Now this is how you Hacky Sack.

Hold on.

This is how you Hacky Sack.

Si. Come on, son.
You use your feet.

This is the dumbest game
I've ever seen anyone play.

You just don't
know how to play it.

- Okay, wait.
- Yeah, that's just what I thought.

Hacky "sire" is
what went sour here.

- It's not hacky sire.
- Hey, whatever.

It don't make it a better game,
okay? It's still a nerd's game.

- You're a nerd. Look at your glasses.
- No, I ain't a nerd.

Si!

- That's your boat?
- That's my boat.

- That's a nice boat.
- It really is.

Let's deal.

- $200.
- Oh, you're killin' me.

- Just to rent it.
- I'm thinkin' 350.

No. 250 and
we'll call it a deal.

- 275.
- Now you're arguing over $25.

You were trying to get me
to spend 64,000 a while ago.

255 and let's call
it a deal. Good?

- Deal.
- All right. Lookit there.

See? Surprise!

I love it when a
surprise comes together.

Jase, I think you're misunderstanding
the fundamental nature of a surprise.

Happy birthday, Willie.

Thank you.

- I got one more thing for ya.
- What?

Look.

- What is that?
- It's a kneeboard.

Oh.

My knees ain't what
they used to be, Bro.

- It says it's rated for 300 pounds.
- Oh, good.

- Put the junk in the trunk and let's go.
- I was trying to give a present.

Let's go.

But it's really coo— -

Okay.

- Oh, finally.
- Whew, we made it.

- Took a while, but here we are.
- Yeah.

- It's beautiful. I'll say that.
- Good job, Jase.

- It's gonna be awesome.
- We have arrived.

Now, I've been skeptical about
Jase organizing this trip so far.

But maybe I'm being
too hard on him.

Let's go fishin'.

After all, we did get here
with a perfect amount of time...

to drop our stuff off at the
house, do our business...

and get on the
water before sunset.

- What are you doin'?
- I'm gonna go fishin'.

Where's the key?

- The key? Uh, what did Godwin say?
- You don't have the key?

Jase.

Nope, I knew it all
along. He blew it.

Godwin said the key was
under a rock by the dock.

- By the dock.
- Dock?

- Deck. I think he said deck.
- Deck. Which deck?

- Bottom deck or the top deck?
- Well, he said, "Neh."

- What?
- Neh.

- Dock.
- Neh.

- Deck.
- Neh.

- Dock.
- It could've been dock.

We drove 45 minutes,
and you knuckleheads

don't even know where
the key to the house is?

If you would have planned that
right, we'd already all be fishin'.

That's why I didn't plan it, 'cause
I wanted it to be spontaneous.

Willie's problem is, he's way too
worried about what the plan is...

instead of enjoying the process.

I'll find the key.
Everybody relax.

Everything is going
according to my plan...

which was really no plan at all.

You're sure he
didn't say the dock?

He said a fake rock, but how
would you tell a fake rock...

This doesn't look real.

Looks like this
could be a while.

Let's just put our stuff
down and hang out.

All right.

All these rocks are real.

There's rocks all the
way around this thing.

Oh, it's nice.

The sunshine feels wonderful.

Nobody else is sweating?

The kids are saying they
have to go to the bathroom.

- Number one or number two?
- One. One and two.

You gotta go number
one and number two?

Well, take 'em down
there towards the water.

What?

They got a whole big
bathroom right there.

Si, we're gonna be swimmin' in that lake
in a little bit. They're not doin' that.

- It'll float away.
- Gross!

I don't know what the big deal
is, okay? A lake is like, you know...

having a shower
and bathroom combo.

Okay?

Take your bath if you
want to. Swim a little bit.

Then, hey, if you gotta go, go.

The current'll carry
it away. Don't worry.

There's no current. It's a lake.

All you do is wade out there waist
deep, nobody knows what's goin' on.

That's disgusting.

Look. Society's got
way too precious.

"Oh, you gotta poop in
the toilet. Don't use the lake.

Wipe with toilet
paper, not leaves."

I've gone to the bathroom in
that lake ever since I'd been a kid.

That's true.

"Stop peein' in a cup
while you're drivin'.

We will give you
a ticket next time."

I'm with you, River. I don't
know if I can hold it either.

- God!
- Wow.

I've been holdin' it ever
since we left Monroe.

When I can't poop in a
lake like a grown man...

hey, that means the
yuppies have won.

And if the yuppies win, hey, you
might as well just sell America.

I don't even know who you'd
sell it to if the yuppies win.

I wouldn't buy it.

Okay. Maybe I should
go check on the guys.

Yeah, I think so.

Godwin cannot give instructions
on anything. We all know this.

- You gotta take some of the blame too.
- For what?

Okay, what is taking so long?

You planned this thing.
You don't have a darned key.

River said he's gotta
do number one plus two.

I think that means three.

- Go in the lake.
- He's not poopin' in the lake.

- Fish will eat it.
- Gross.

So, what's your plan?

I'm gonna throw a rock
through the window...

- and get in the house.
- That's the best we got.

That's not a plan. Have
y'all called Godwin?

No.

- You've not called Godwin.
- Why don't you call him, you idiot?

It's always easier to get forgiveness
than permission. Bust a window.

It's real easy to just call somebody
and find out where the key is.

Oh, crap. There's stickers.

Hey.

Man, I crushed this bucket.

- Still ringin'.
- Oh, no.

Hello?

- Godwin.
- Hello?

Crap.

- Hello?
- Godwin, I cannot hear you.

- Who is this?
- Whatever you're doin', step away from.

I'm in a hot tub.

We're at your uncle's lake
house, and we can't find the key.

- Oh, God.
- Get out of the hot tub for a second.

When you take a man that already sounds
like a Muppet speaking through a wet rag...

Hot tub.

Add a cell phone
and a hot tub...

not to mention the
disgusting images...

that knowing Godwin is
in a hot tub conjures up...

it becomes more than a little
difficult to properly communicate.

We've checked all the rocks
by the deck. There's no key.

- The key's in the rock by the door.
- What?

I just needed to get into
the lake house, so please...

let this be my last
birthday surprise.

- Have y'all checked the doors?
- Well, we checked these doors.

- By the door!
- You only checked these down here?

Honestly, I don't think I can
take another birthday surprise.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Rock by the door!

- We have a fake rock.
- What?

- Does it have a key in it?
- Can you hear me?

- Yay! We found it. Bye.
- Rock by the—

He's an idiot.

Might have to go to
the steakhouse later.

One, two, three! 52 card pickup!

Who taught y'all that game?

- Uncle Si.
- Uncle Si.

It makes sense now.

Mornin'.

Mornin'.

- You know what time it is?
- What time?

It's boat o'clock.

- What is that?
- Time to get on the boat.

Corny.

- Good work, Will.
- Ah, tough crowd.

Well, you got breakfast first. So hang
out and eat breakfast with us, babe.

No, I gotta go.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Look. What in the world?

Yo-ho-ho.

- Is that a hot dog?
- Is that poop?

There may be a
raccoon in the premises.

- Wait. You're sure that's a raccoon?
- Oh, yeah, raccoon, all right.

All right, I think
Phil's got it. I'm gone.

Apparently it's boat o'clock.

- You think he's still in here?
- Oh, he's in here, all right.

Look at that.
That's pretty fresh.

This vacation has just begun. We got
us a coon hunt thrown in the middle of it.

Girls, I need three
raccoon hunters.

Vacation with a raccoon
hunt? Be like, hey!

- Who volunteers?
- Yeah!

- All right. She's in. She volunteered.
- I'm gonna draft you two.

We're gonna be
vacationing Papaw Phil style.

I better go as a chaperone.

We're gonna put a bullet
right 'tween his eyes.

- Yeah!
- That's what I'm talking about.

No, we don't have to do that. We
can let him go back to his family.

- Catch and release.
- He'll come right back.

- I say let's get rid of him.
- What do you girls think about it?

- Y'all wanna eat some coon?
- Eww!

- Stir-fried coon sound good to you?
- It's disgusting.

Now I'm in favor of
releasing it as well.

- Why don't we just go get him first?
- Yeah!

I'm telling you.
They're delicious.

All right, guys. Come
on. Let's hurry up.

All hands on deck!

Sea ahoy! Let's go!

- Did y'all bring enough stuff?
- Hey, colorful rope.

There's my kneeboard...
that I didn't really want.

Shimmy me timbers!
Let's go! Let's get out there!

- Si, you do a terrible pirate.
- Hey, come on, matey. Let's go!

Ever since I woke up this
morning, I wanted to be a pirate.

Unfold the sails up there.

Look, it don't take much
to be a pirate, okay?

Gotta have a boat. Check.

You need a beard. Check.

Hey, I'm Captain
Ahab. You're the whale.

- I'm in the boat.
- You still look like a whale to me.

And you need to know the lingo.

Avast, mateys.
It's time to set sail.

Yar! It's the swashbucklin'
life for me, mateys.

Sea ahoy! Let's go!

Hey, hands off my booty,
you lily-livered scurvy dogs!

Swab the deck!

Avast! I need more
grog to wet my whistle.

Si, they're not swabbing the deck.
They're tryin' to unhook the boat.

If they don't hurry up, I'm liable to puke
on the deck. Then they'll have to swab it.

That'd be good
"brog" we have here.

Ee-yar!

- Up with the anchor!
- Arr!

Let's go get me booty.

- Me booty.
- Just untie the boat, John Luke.

- All right, we ready?
- Jase, we ain't got room for y'all.

- There's no room on the boat.
- Dude, I wanna go kneeboardin'.

- We ain't got room.
- You can take my place.

No, I know skiing's your favorite
thing. That's all right, babe.

Yeah, come on, babe.

- I just figured since I bought
the boat— - You rented the boat.

Same difference.

Willie's first mistake is
that he actually thinks...

that I give a rip that he
uses this boat without me.

If you would have bought the bigger
boat, we wouldn't have this problem.

I'm not a big boat guy. I'm a
speed guy. I'm built for speed.

There's nothing about
you that says, "I'm fast."

If he'd rather spend
his time with Si...

- We was crossing the stream in Nam.
- That's his choice.

And there's a guy still missing in
action from the last time we seen him...

there was a catfish going
downstream with him.

This is providing me
the perfect distraction...

to find Willie's next
birthday surprise.

Look, the meter is
running on this boat rental.

Let's get this show
on the road, all right?

John Luke said he'd untie us.

- Have fun.
- Let's go catch some fish.

Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of tea.

Whoo!

We gotta find some hooks and
some string. I mean, that's all I need.

Well, we got a ladder and it
has... pea gravel in this bucket.

Oh, boy, we got something here.

Huh? Oh, boy.

- Dude. Dude, pull.
- What is that?

- Boo-yah!
- Dude, I'm gonna ride this like a boss.

- Look, I came out here to fish.
- Have you ever rode a Jet Ski?

No.

Dude.

One of the coolest times I've ever
had was on a Jet Ski with dolphins.

Senior vacation,
ridin' in the bay.

Like, six dolphins pop up.

And it was like we were ridin'.
They were just jumpin' between us.

They were jumpin'
up, sprayin' in the air.

It is a glorious experience.

It's three big ones
and two little ones.

- Changed my life.
- It was kind of emotional.

- They're a thing of nature.
- I mean, I was one with the water.

- It was— - Awesome.

- Awesome.
- I'm speechless.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime
experience.

And I'll always remember it.

This one swam up,
turned to his side...

and he was wavin' at us,
like, "What's up, guys?"

His little flipper was, "Hey,
buddy, you guys havin' fun?"

- Huh?
- That's what I think about heaven.

That's what it'll be like,
ridin' with the dolphins.

- Hey, Jep!
- That was a fun day.

It was beautiful.

Don't ever tell
anybody that story.

- I'm proud of that story.
- All right, I'm in...

'cause I might use this
to put out trout lines...

which could be cool.

Hop up there and crank it up.

Yeah, hop on there, big boy.

Even though I don't consider
myself a Jet Ski type of man...

I think we're on
the right track here.

Plus, I don't think there's any
way I could talk Jep out of this.

Why is that red light comin' on?

I could tell him that there's
actually no dolphins in this lake.

Ain't got no gas in it. It
is completely below "E."

But I really don't wanna
see him get misty-eyed.

He'll probably figure
that out eventually.

You know what we could do is
siphon some gas out of Jess's car.

You know what would be better than that?
You siphon the gas out of Willie's car.

- He's probably got high octane.
- Why don't you siphon it?

This is your idea.
You siphon the gas.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes!

No.

Is that all you got?

I don't wanna get it on me.

Jep, you're playin' with it.

- Look.
- Hold on. I'm gettin' dizzy.

You sure you've
done this before?

The last time I
siphoned gas, I— -

You hear that? When I even think
about gasoline, that's what happens.

This is why I didn't
wanna do this, dude.

I was about 16. Ran
outta gas in my dad's truck.

The only way you can make
a mistake is going too long.

I had to siphon gas out of a
four-wheeler so I wouldn't get in trouble.

No, just go for it.

Go, go, go! Go! Go!

All right, put 'er
down! There it is!

- Put it down!
- I got it in my mouth.

And I accidentally swallowed
some of it, like, a lot of it.

I think I swallowed some.

Yep, I swallowed it.

- Just a little.
- Let me tell you something.

Your bowels are not
meant to hold gasoline.

Oh, that is high
octane. Hi— High octane.

It is a burning
that will not stop.

There it is. There it
is. All right! All right!

All right!

- You think jalapeños are hot?
- Oh, it's so bad.

You try some regular unleaded.

Oh, gas ain't made
for drinkin'. Nope.

I found that out the hard way.

Actually, the soft way if
you know what I mean.

Bow up, take one big puff...

and stick that hose
in that hole right there.

Do it, Jep. Big, big, big.

Big, big, big. Go!

Good.

- Good. Good.
- Swallowed it again.

You'll be all right.

- Dude, don't spill it.
- Whoops.

We got some siphoning
going on, dude.

Aw, that's it, baby.
Jet Skis and dolphins.

No, I'm out on the dolphins.

I don't understand why
you don't like dolphins.

Whoo!

Good job. All right.

- That was pretty good.
- Thanks.

We used to do this in Nam.

But we just found us a
plank off a shack and used it.

- A plank?
- Yeah.

Who's these knuckleheads here?

- Hey!
- Oh, look who's here, Hell's Angels.

Where'd you boys
get them sea bikes?

We got 'em in Godwin's garage.

- I don't think they're called sea bikes.
- I think that's a cool word, sea bike.

- Willie, you tried that kneeboard yet?
- No.

- Huh?
- Not yet.

I didn't bring you all the way
up here not to try that kneeboard.

Sea bikes.

I get that Jase wants
me to have a good time...

but that's just
not how it works.

I thought it was my birthday.

It is, so you have to
get on the kneeboard.

I get to do my own thing. I
don't have to do the kneeboard.

I mean, I don't wanna knock the
guy for trying, because he is trying.

- Hey, you can do it.
- Come on, Willie.

- Come on, Willie.
- All right, I'm gonna do it one time.

One time it, boys. That's
what we're talkin' about.

He needs to understand that trying
too hard can have negative effects.

Golly!

That's exactly how
Si got his hemorrhoids.

He's fixed to rumble
in the jungle, boys!

- No, we're on the sea.
- I'm in the jungle.

- I feel like Fabio in this wind.
- You look like a "Flavio," all right.

- I can't believe it's not butter.
- Go ahead and get wet, fat boy.

- Later, dudes.
- You ready?

Hiya! All right!

- There went the testes.
- Okay, boys, okay.

You ever get in those
situations where you know...

beyond a shadow of a doubt,
you should not do something?

You're in the jungle now,
Willie. Time for you to rumble!

And you do it anyway.

John Luke, you gotta
give it a lot of gas.

Or it's gonna feel like
it's just dead weight.

That's a daily thing for Jase.
But it's not really my deal.

You ready, Willie?
Go ahead. Go ahead.

There's something suspicious about
the fact that Jase's birthday gift to me...

involved me doing something
that I don't really enjoy doing.

Hit it, John Luke!
Give it all she's got!

- Ah, he's going!
- Oh! Ow!

Kids, this is why you don't
give in to peer pressure.

That was terrible, Willie.

- I told you I don't wanna kneeboard.
- He ain't into kneeboardin', boys.

- Jase didn't get the memo.
- He didn't get the memo.

Stinky gift.

Y'all ever been sneaky? That's
what you gotta do... sneaky.

- Are we gonna find the raccoon soon?
- That ain't bein' sneaky.

When you're trying
to track a raccoon

with your wife and
your grandchildren...

I don't really characterize that
as being a big-time coon hunt.

Act like you're Jason Bourne.

So, naturally, you have
to spice it up a little.

This is about as close, probably,
as I'm gonna come to a hunt...

so I might as well get all I
can get out of this vacation.

I'm about to pee in my pants.

I'm gonna have a little
fun with it. That's for sure.

Hear that?

- Y'all go first.
- Y'all wanna go first?

That's the coon. Watch
him, 'cause he bites real big.

- Remember that time Si had rabies?
- Yeah.

Remember Si was
foamin' at the mouth?

- His eyes was all red?
- Mm-hmm.

- Remember he smelled funny?
- Yeah.

- 'Member he looked funny?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yo-ho-ho!

Look. Look right there.
He peed all over that bed.

Yeah, well, I'm fixin'
to pee all over this floor.

- Oh!
- Where'd he go?

- He's after a lamp.
- Huh?

He's after a lamp.
He just attacked it.

Okay, we're fixin' to
catch us a coon right here.

Would you be careful? It
could have rabies or something.

- Remember that time Si had rabies?
- Yep.

I used to have a pet raccoon.

Well, he wasn't really mine, but
he'd come and visit me every day.

One day he got in
a fight with a skunk.

Smelled up the house really bad.

Like "throw up right
where you're standing" bad.

I think you need to
get him off that table.

Yeah.

Well, he's quicker
than you, babe.

Phil didn't let me have any
more raccoon friends after then.

Watch out!

- Oh, he's a quick one.
- But he's probably back with his family.

Or dead by now.

Is that a girl or boy?
I'm gonna call it a girl.

Got him. Let's see if we
can get him out in the woods.

Released to the wild unharmed.

Just be careful.

Remember that
time Si had rabies?

- Coon did something to him, didn't he?
- Yeah.

Oh, boy!

Whoa, nellie!

Whoa!

You're killing me, man.

Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Whoo!

It's a nice day for Jet Skiing.

- I'm kinda glad Willie left us behind.
- Me too.

- You think Willie's havin' fun?
- I'm not the fun police.

I mean, all I can do is
lead him to the water.

I can't make him drink.

Up to this point,
I'm batting zero...

in trying to make this the most
memorable birthday for Willie ever.

Willie looks a little
sad actually, you know?

I think we're having
way more fun than he is.

Well, you know.

But there's a part of
me that wants to prove...

that surprises should
come spontaneously.

What is that guy
doing on that dock?

It looks like he's fixin'
to go to outer space.

If you go with the
flow, at some point...

it'll just work out.

I think he doesn't know what
he's doing with the Jet Ski.

- Dude, your Jet Ski— - Oh, no,
he's got water coming out of his back.

Oh, my gosh, what is
going on? Lookit. He...

Dude!

Whoa!

- Oh, my goodness.
- Now that looks fun.

Man, I thought I've seen some
cool stuff, but that's probably...

the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

That dude is my hero right now.
Yo-oh-oh! That's a 1080.1080.

Look at this guy. He's
just frolicking on the water.

He's like a human
dolphin. A dolph-man.

- Yeah!
- Look at that dude water walkin', man.

That's not fair.

I can picture it now. I'm
on my jet pack, doin' a 360.

Dolphin's my wingman. He's
on the side, comin' around me.

He waves...

I wave— "Hey, buddy."

Sorry 'bout that.
I got a little lost.

God, now he's flying.

- He's just showin' off now.
- Yeah, he is.

This Jet Ski stinks.

- Whoo!
- Come on, man.

I think this is a
good spot right here.

- Right here?
- Yeah.

- All right, girls.
- I sense it.

I sense that its kinfolks are
right out there. Don't you, Phil?

Is this it?

Phil, don't you sense that
the kinfolks are right out there?

Yeah.

You know, Miss Kay is kind
of a sensing type woman.

She gets these feelings.

- I just got that mother-like feeling.
- All right.

"I'm getting vibes," you know,
and "I sense this," that and the other.

I'm thinkin', "Hmm."

Is this it?

I don't know whether I believe
in all this stuff, you know...

but we all have our
quirks, as they say.

Now, let's say our good-byes,
and then we'll be ready.

- Everybody say good-bye.
- No, we gotta give it a name.

- A name, Phil. We gotta name.
- A name?

- How about Scoony?
- How about what?

- Scoony.
- Why do you wanna name her Scoony?

'Cause she's a raccoon.

Why not just "Hey, Raccoon"?

'Cause she looks like a Scoony.

Well, all right.

Well, this little coon hunt
with the grandchildren...

- turned out pretty good.
- Good-bye, Scoony.

I'm starting to think Phil may be
attached to our new raccoon friend.

Whoa! Easy now, easy.

Course, your typical
coon hunt ends with

you putting a bullet
in the coon's brainpan.

He would probably deny it, the same way he
denies he's attached to Bobo and Jay Jay.

Don't you ever come back in that house
again. I'm gonna whoop you like a yard dog.

That's how you
talk to Bobo, Phil.

I think Miss Kay, you know, has
got a little attached to ol' Scoony here.

Scoony! Scoony!

But I can tell. He likes Scoony.

Say hi to your family for me.

Go talk to your brother and
sister and all your cousins.

Say bye. We love you.

In the grand scheme of things, I'd rather
have a happy wife than a dead raccoon.

- Time to hit the road.
- I think Scoony likes him too.

- She's gone.
- Stand back.

I got a sense
about these things.

Don't ever show up again,
or you'll get a bullet in ya.

He didn't mean
it. He's a jokester.

Oh, I meant it, all right.

Uh-oh.

All right!

Thank you, John Luke. A
medium—Whoo!—tank top.

It looks like it fits you.

Hey, if you don't
want that, I'll take it.

- Hey, open mine next, Will.
- Let me guess, Si.

Yours is the one with the large
tail protruding out the back of it.

Finally, time for the best part of
any birthday— opening presents.

- Hey, it is an armadillo.
- Oh, yeah.

- Did you stuff it yourself?
- No, he's bloated.

I may have talked some trash
about Jase and his planning...

That was a good one, Si.

And it's true, he's
not the best planner.

I'll just put that
straight in the garbage.

I didn't really fully
realize it until now...

but Jase really came
through with this trip.

I got some quality family
time in, and all in all...

it turned out to be
a pretty decent— -

Surprise. We're
not done yet, Willie.

- What is that?
- That's my dude.

- That's your dude?
- Got one more surprise for ya.

Hey, what's up?

Jase, no offense, but your surprises
haven't really worked out this trip.

All the surprises are
leading to the pinnacle.

This is the pinnacle.

Here's what I have to say
to everyone who doubted me.

This is the greatest
surprise ever.

Y'all can keep your detailed
plans and your calling ahead...

and making reservations.

Did you plan this one out?

I've been planning
this for at least an hour.

Because without any of that, I
gave Willie the greatest gift of all.

Jase, you sure about this?

The gift of flight.

- Sure. What could go wrong?
- A lot could go wrong.

- You're strapped in.
- I'm aware I'm strapped in.

- Enjoy the ride, man.
- You got it, baby.

- All right, Willie.
- You look like an astronaut.

I don't know. Something
doesn't feel right.

Put him in orbit!

Shut up, Si!

All right, are you sure
I'm strapped in good?

You look about right.

I don't know. Something
doesn't feel right.

- What are you talking about? It's fine.
- You got this, babe.

- Come on, Willie.
- Oh, my goodness.

Come on.

- He's in.
- All right, here we go.

- Jase, are you sure about this?
- Yeah.

Look, there's one thing
I know about Willie.

He usually needs a little
push in order to have fun.

I don't know, man.
This seems sketchy.

It looks dangerous,
but it's actually not.

You've never done this.

He gets all nervous and uptight.

Oh, crap, I can't breathe.

Are you sure I'm
strapped in good? Whoa!

So it's up to me to try and convince
him to take a chance on something.

You're strapped in.
Enjoy the ride, man.

That's what I'm here for.

Okay.

- Have you wet your pants yet?
- Shut up, Jase.

- Come on, Willie!
- I ain't doin' it!

Man up!

- Hey, don't screw this up.
- Shut up.

Jump! Jump!

- Jump!
- Shut up!

Plus, it provides a little entertainment
for the whole family to enjoy.

Oh, there is movement!

- Go, go!
- There is movement!

There is movement!

- Okay, he's making a move!
- You got it! You got it!

♪♪ Oh, sh...

- Uh-oh. Whoa-oh.
- Big fall.

Thought he had it
mastered there for a second.

- Man down.

Okay, gravity one,
Willie zero. Let's try again.

- Uh-oh. Oh, boy.
- He's down.

He's not gonna do it again, boy.

Abort! Abort!

Boo!

- Come on, babe. You can do it!
- Go! Go!

- Lift.
- Beam him up, Scotty!

This is awesome.

I don't know how Jase
did it, but he pulled it off.

- Up!
- I feel like I'm up.

This is legitimately the craziest
gift anyone's ever given me.

I think you're pushing the
weight limit on that thing.

- Shut up, Jep!
- Whoo!

One of the craziest gifts was
definitely that time Si got me a bone...

that kind of looked like a
human leg bone, but I don't know.

I didn't ask. I just
said thank you.

Hey, give it some power! Gotta
push in that "up" button, idiot.

- Shut up, Si.
- Good job, babe.

But this is definitely the coolest,
craziest gift anyone's ever given me.

- Here he goes.
- Here he goes again, boys.

- You got it, Willie!
- You can do it!

- Come on, baby!
- All right, here he comes.

- Oh, he's goin' up!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

♪♪

- Whoo!
- There you go! There you go!

Look at his legs!

- This is awesome!
- All right!

Hey, watchin' Willie on
that jet pack right now...

I feel like that
kid in Free Wllly.

There she blows,
matey! He's flyin'!

You know, when the whale's
comin' right over his head.

- Man, he's got the hang of it now.
- Whoo!

Hey, but with Willie, I'm
afraid he's fixin' to fall.

He's fixin' to blow, boys!

Look, if he falls, he's
gonna take us all out.

There's land over here.
Don't come this way.

I'm talking about, hey...

We gone.

Finally got the
hang of that puppy.

That was good.

- All right. What about it?
- All right! Good job!

I have to hand it to
Jase. For a while, it

looked like he bit off
more than he can chew.

- And, for the most part, he did.
- Happy birthday, Willie!

But he pulled it together in
true Jase Robertson fashion...

at the very last
possible minute.

Good job, babe.
That was awesome.

He got Willie a great present, and
he brought the whole family together...

which is no small
task for this group.

He doesn't look good.

You think he's okay?

Yeah, he's just restin'.

I see bubbles
coming out of his suit.

- Oh. We're good.
- Gross.

All right, before we say the
prayer and eat, I'm not gonna sing.

I'll sing "Happy Birthday"
to ol' Will. You ready?

No. Maybe later, Si. No, I
wanted to say a few words...

and I wanted to bring everybody
together 'cause this is our old home place.

We used to live in that
trailer right up the hill.

We all know our life back then
was filled with confusion and chaos.

But here we are as a
family, over 30 years later...

and our family, I believe, has
truly changed for the better...

has come together,
has gotten a lot larger.

So, I wanted to start off with
Missy and say happy birthday.

- Enjoy the red convertible.
- I will.

Remember now,
the next few years...

- if I don't give you a
good gift— - It's okay.

And happy birthday, Willie, who I
hadn't always given the best of gifts...

because your birthday happens
to fall on the same day as Missy.

I sleep with her. You live across the
road. You get where I'm goin' with that.

Good choice.

So I tried to make up for it this year. I
know it didn't all go according to plan.

But, all in all, I think
it's been pretty good.

- So, happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Jase.

All right. Give him a hand.

All right, Will, will
you do the honors?

Well, it's been
a fun birthday...

- so I appreciate the effort.
- No problem.

And, uh, glad everybody's here
together as a family. Let's pray.

Father, we're so thankful
for everything you've given us.

Thank you for this
family and, uh...

for all the remarkable
things we've done together.

And we pray that we can do
more in the future, Father, for you.

- Through Jesus, we pray. Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen.
- Hey, who's ready for some s'mores?

Oh, I see who's ready.

All right, easy with them forks.

The Robertson brothers
are a unique breed.

We like to give each other
crap, but we do it out of love.

And as much as I tease Jase
about being terrible at planning...

which he is...

the truth is, I couldn't be more
thankful to have a brother...

who would work this hard
to make my birthday special.

I'm not sure how he did it, but somehow
he actually pulled off a great weekend.

The family had a blast, and I
got an awesome birthday gift.

But all crazy surprises
aside, the best gift of all...

was having the entire family
back together on Lake D'Arbonne...

right where the
Robertsons started.

Jase, I think I'm gonna start
letting you plan all our parties.

Oh, now, hang on.