Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 8 - Return of the Beavers - full transcript

This is the last shot.

- Money.
- Oh! That was so close.

I thought you had it.

There's like a force
field around the can.

There ain't no force field.

All right, y'all need
to get back to work.

Oop. It hit me
right in the face.

- Man, let's finish this game.
- You're not finishing this game.

Hmm.

What?

What is that?



What... is it?

- Grapes?
- No, grapes ain't that big.

- Walnuts.
- Catfish bait.

- Thought it may have been
grapes, but— - Rotten beef jerky?

It ain't grapes.

Too big to be grapes.

Hey.

- Grapes?
- Smells like crap.

- Bingo.
- Phil, this isn't yours, is it?

No, that come from a beaver.

Here's the thing. When beavers start
coming around, it's all hands on deck.

Why did you bring
the dung to the office?

So I could teach you
about how to track a varmint.

You could have just
called and told us.



You have to have a visual.

The problem with these
boys is you just can't tell 'em.

You have to give
'em a visual cue.

Just call me Phil "Follow
The Dung" Robinson.

In law, it's called
"habeas corpus."

As in show me the body.

With beavers, it's
"habeas dungus."

Show me the dung.

What I need, boys, is a few good
men for a beaver hunt in the morning.

Who's volunteering?

- Oh, I'm in.
- I'm definitely in.

- Yeah, I love poop. I'll do it.
- Good work, Jep.

- I'm in.
- John Luke, what are you doin' here?

Y'all ready to help me out?

I can't. I got to take
Bella to karate practice.

Huh?

- Hey.
- Good grief.

What about you two
heavy ones? You boys...

No, no, no, no. These
two are staying to work.

Hey. We can live with it.
We got a pretty good crew.

In the morning, be ready to go.

Hey, you're leaving your...

Yeah, you can have it.

John Luke, take that.

♪♪

Oh.

- What are you doin'?
- Trying to balance the spoon on my nose.

Don't eat with that spoon, Will.

- It's just hot breath.
- That's gross.

Whoa.

- Hyah!
- Oh.

- That girl is ready for her karate class.
- Ah.

The other day, Korie signed
Bella up for a karate class.

- I think it's an awesome idea.
- You look just like Karate Kid.

- I thought Karate Kid was a boy?
- There was a girl Karate Kid.

Hilary Swank.

I actually never had a
chance to take karate...

mostly because my mom
would never take me to karate.

So a very small part of me is
living vicariously through Bella...

My little Karate Kid.

I guess that makes me Miyagi.

The only Karate Kid I
know is Jaden Smith.

Jaden Smith? That's the remake.

I actually thought of myself as the Karate
Kid, but now I guess I'm more Miyagi.

Like a younger,
handsomer Miyagi.

The real Karate Kid
is Ralph Macchio.

Okay, enough arguing about the
movies. We got to go to karate, huh, Bella?

What is that?

All right.

Looks like she does
need some classes.

Yeah. Beaver dung
up ahead. They're here.

Yep, I smell 'em.

He smelled 'em, boys.

It will lead you to the beaver
dam. Just follow the dung.

What a beaver
dung means is that...

you have located beaver.

Well, they don't like me and I don't
like them, either, what's left of 'em.

- So the feeling's mutual, right?
- The feeling is mutual.

Beavers eat entire trees. What do
you do if you own a bunch of land?

You say, "I don't want to see
this all turned into dead snags."

Why would the Almighty
even make a beaver?

That is a good question.

I've talked with 'em to try
to get 'em to understand it...

but, uh, they
won't work with me.

- Therefore— - You want
to fool with us and you die.

You follow their dung and
put a bullet in their head.

Look here, boys, all y'all got to
do is find his living room for me...

and then I'll introduce
him to my little friend here.

- That Mayhaw jelly?
- Okay, hey, that's what it looks like.

But hey, this is what
we call in Nam "napalm."

Si, why did you put that
in with the dynamite?

Dynamite is explosive
and so is this jungle jelly.

We're talking about two
very unstable things together.

Three if you count the dynamite.

Hey, look, if you've blown up
one beaver dam, you know, hey...

you could have blown
up a million of 'em.

That's why you got to keep
things interesting, okay?

We have instability
on one leg...

instability on another leg...

being held together
by the most...

- unstable man I know.
- That's right. Me.

Danger, that is
the spice of life.

And there's nothing more dangerous
than my homemade jungle jelly napalm.

This is to blow
something up with.

It'll keep you on your toes.

Hey, look, and if you don't watch
it, it'll blow your toes clean off.

We figurin' to have us a
big fireball goin' here, boys.

So all we have to do is
follow the dung. Y'all ready?

- Yeah, let's go.
- Let's go.

You think we ought to divide
that napalm from the dynamite?

Ha. No.

Okay, let's start
stretching out to the side.

- Oh, they already started.
- Let's put our fists out.

Right hand back.

I've been a huge karate
fan ever since I was a kid.

So it's nice to see Bella
following in my footsteps.

What I really like is she can kick the
crap out of any boys that come her way.

"Hey, Bella, you want a kiss?"

Karate chop to the mouth.

- ♪ Karate ♪
- How you doin'?

- Hey.
- Bob Allen.

- Bob. How you doin'? I'm Willie.
- Doing good.

And this is Bella. I remember from
last time. You ready to start today?

- Mm-hmm.
- She's ready.

- She's been practicing moves, yeah.
- She's been warming up this morning.

- Who was teaching her that?
- Uh, well...

she's probably picked up
some stuff by watching me, but...

everybody loves
punching and kicking.

There's only one way to do
it, and that's the correct way.

So— -

- Namaste.
- We don't use that in karate.

I have to admit I'm
kind of jealous of Bella.

I always wanted to
take a karate class.

Why not today?

So usually this would be the
time where I would tell Willie...

he should not take a karate
class with his 10-year-old daughter.

Side to side. Let
your arms flop around.

But this time I'm
trying a new tactic.

Encouragement.

- Do this look as awesome as it feels?
- Yeah.

Does it?

And I'm not gonna let
this embarrass me one bit...

like it normally would.

- Willie, you ready to join us?
- Yep.

- Okay, you pretty flexible?
- Mmm.

Okay, come up over here.

When I was a kid, I tried
to teach myself karate.

But being self-taught
did have some drawbacks.

Like the time I tried to do the
splits like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

It's always good to have
someone who is flexible...

coming into the class
as a white belt, right?

Right!

You know that chair thing where
he did the splits on the chairs?

Bad idea.

There's nothing in the middle
to catch you, so I went—wroop!

Okay, let's go down
halfway this way.

Let's go a little bit more.

A little bit more.

When you look to your left and your
right and both your legs are like this...

it is bad news.

Uh— -

- what's— -

Little bit more.
That's it. More.

- It's all I got, Bob.
- Good job.

That's all you got. Okay.
Well, let's come back up.

I got a little winded there.

- We didn't do very much.
- I'm ready.

- You ready?
- Ready to go, Bob.

- It's sensei.
- Sensei.

Back in your place over here.

- Ready?
- Bob's gettin' angry.

It's sensei.

Ba-woom!

Well, well, well.

Yep. There's the mother
of all beaver dams.

We have hit the
mother lode, boys.

We have identified
the problem, boys.

As far as beaver dams go...

okay, look, you may
come up upon one...

It's a one-room cabin.

Another one, okay,
maybe a two-room cabin.

How many beavers does it take
to construct something like this?

And this one here, hey,
we're talking about a palace.

Some of 'em like luxury.

- Looks like the Death Star.
- It's like Castle Grayskull.

Don't want to be in the water, okay?
That's the low-rent district, okay?

This is the
"sista-ph-sophisticated" beavers.

Okay?

Pretty good one, eh, Si?

Yep. That's a good one there.

- That's what I'm saying.
- That's exactly what I'm talking about.

- Do your realize y'all do that anymore?
- Do what?

Do what?

You're repeating
everything Phil says.

Why do you do that? Why
do you always repeat Dad?

- Let's do this.
- Well, we gonna do this or not?

- See, you did it again.
- You did do it again.

It's starting to
get on my nerves.

- It's been getting on my nerves.
- Y'all both lost y'all's mind.

Are we gonna blow this thing or are
we gonna sit here and talk about it?

Oh, we're gonna blow
it all right. Ba-woom.

Ba-woom!

Ba-woom!

John Luke, let's
get the dynamite.

Hey, when we come up
on the beaver dam like that...

at first, there was a
little bit of "Oh, no."

But that quickly
turned to "Oh, yeah."

'Cause I get to
use dynamite today.

- Get Si away from the dynamite.
- I'll get the napalm, boys.

- You get the dynamite.
- We don't need the napalm!

There's no better feeling.
Because, hey, it makes me feel like...

dyn-o-mite!

Hold this like you
would a young baby bird.

Remember, it's harmless as long as
you're a couple hundred yards away from it.

♪♪

Si, did you bring that
spool of safety fuse?

I don't know nothin'
about no safety fuse.

I asked you if you had some.
You said, "Yes, I'll bring it."

You don't remember
that conversation?

I do not recall that.

I said, "I'll bring the dynamite.
You bring the safety fuse."

Now, see, them
two don't go together.

If you bring the dynamite, you got
to bring everything that goes with it.

- We had a conversation about it.
- I don't recall that conversation.

- Let me get this right— - You
don't remember that conversation?

- No.
- Nobody brought the safety fuse?

No!

Have I got to do everything?

If you're gonna do everything,
you got to start by doin' somethin'.

- That's actually a good point, Si.
- No.

- Are you ready, Willie?
- Yep.

We don't say "Yep."
We say, "Yes, sensei."

Waa!

Waa.

I don't know
what that is either.

I'm glad I decided to join
Bella's karate class today...

because I'm finally achieving one of
my bucket-list dreams—learning karate.

We're gonna go over control.

Also, we sit. We don't lie down.

But it's a lot more
instruction than I thought.

I'm not saying
karate is boring...

No hitting. None.

No.

But learning about
karate is boring as crap.

We're gonna fight
later. All in due time.

I guess that's why
those martial arts films...

always have those
awesome training montages.

Both fists out.

Oh, here we go.

Let's do some basics now.

Left hand back. Straight punch.

Hey!

Going to kick and snap back.

I don't know what that is.

Try to do just like
the sensei does.

Willie, no talking in class.

- Go! Go! Go!
- Come on, Willie.

- Bella, cover for me.
- Good and snap back really fast.

It's a lot of kicking.

Get the knee up high.

- Let's all come up again.
- We just sat down.

- Whoo!
- Are you okay, babe?

- No, I'm not okay.
- Oh.

- Push-up position.
- Oh, crap.

Very good.

- Willie!
- Huh?

- You with us, Willie?
- No. Back's stiff.

Take a look up at this sign,
Willie. What does that say?

"No whining in karate."

Willie, no whining.

Well, there's no
whining, there's no

fighting, there's no
hitting. This is stupid.

You have to train.
Trust the process, Willie.

Oh! Pipe down, Confucius.

I could just go to town
and buy a roll of fuse.

Hey, look, all you got to do is
put napalm all over the dam...

light it and then, hey, it'll
take care of the dynamite.

But how would you
set the napalm off?

Well, we could just Rambo it.

What do you mean?

There are three people in my life
that I have taken combat advice from...

The Lord Almighty, my dad...

and John Rambo.

Fire arrow.

Four words:

Might work.

I've been waiting for
this day a long time.

You've seen the Olympics.

Yeah, the problem was he
missed and they had to fake light it.

- Huh?
- Yeah, it didn't work.

- Legolas could do it.
- Who?

He's an elf.

You talking about
like a Christmas elf?

No.

- Who are you talkin' about?
- Legolas.

- Where does he live?
- You've never watched Lord of the Rings?

I say we just go for it.

Well, we don't have
much choice, really.

I'm gettin' the napalm, boys.

What's the worst
thing that can happen?

We could all die.

Let's do it.

Okay, let's go again.

- Your feet together— - Sensei?

- Yes?
- What happened to your toe?

Did that happen doing karate?

- No, actually, it was from running.
- Okay.

I just had a bunionectomy
and hammertoe this year.

- Too much information.
- Okay, we're gonna go into sparring now.

- We need to get our gear on.
- Sweet. Let's hit somebody.

Finally, let's get to
some real karate.

Oh, no, no. We don't
touch the weapons.

This is what I've
been waiting for.

I'll show you how to
put it on in just a minute.

I think I can figure it out.

Probably better to wait
and let me help you.

Seriously, though, the
kid gloves are comin' off.

Just as soon as I get
these stupid pads on.

Everybody have their partners?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bob...

It's sensei.

Okay, this is not
what I was thinkin'.

I don't think anything
about this is right.

This is just easy sparring.

Bob, are you sure
this is legitimate?

- Hyah!
- Oh, hang on! Hang on!

I don't think anything
about this is right.

This is just easy sparring.

- Don't hurt her.
- I don't— I don't even want to...

- Let's go to fighting stance.
- Hyah!

- Fight!
- Oh, hang on!

- Oh.
- Oh! Shoot!

I'm all for Willie
pursuing his passions.

Hyah!

Hang on— Ohh!

I'm just not sure karate is
the right passion for Willie.

Lucky shot— - Uh-oh!

You should kick
to the head also.

I mean, karate's all
about, like, discipline...

and Willie's not really the
most nimble, in-shape...

no-retreat,
no-surrender type of guy.

- Hyah!
- Ohh!

Great job, babe.

But I'm really proud
of him for trying.

- Hyah!
- Hang on, Bob. I can't just hit— Ohh!

Gracie, good shot.

- Can we stop for two seconds, huh?
- You have to pay attention at all times.

Time-out, all right?

Remember, we don't bow that way.

Bob, this isn't fair.
I'm sure there's several

laws saying I can't
hit this child, so...

Okay. Everybody,
bow to each other.

- We're gonna do some take-down defense.
- All right.

Okay, let's have your
hands up in fighting position.

Not quite like that. Like this.

Bob, I don't want
to step on your toe.

Because that thing can't get any
more mangled than it already is.

My toe's gonna be okay. You
don't need to worry about my toe.

That toe's not okay. It's
freaking me out looking at it.

- Whoa!
- Hyah!

- You okay, babe?
- Ohh!

Ohh.

Willie?

- You okay?
- Nope. Nope. Nope. Ahh.

Ohh.

So far, today hasn't gone
exactly how I thought it would.

Rather than throwin' punches,
I just feel like throwin' up.

- Dad, are you all right?
- Give me a second, Bella.

Remember, no whining in karate.

Let me tell you something,
Quasi-Toeman...

- Who wants to see it again?
- Bella, put your hand down.

You ain't got to throw me down
that hard just to prove you can.

Ohh! Ohh.

My back feels like
your toe looks...

Terrible.

You have a masseuse around here?

No, but we have the sign over
here that says "No whining in karate."

Oh, Bob.

- We do have that.
- Get off that sign.

Okay, let's get
ready to bow out.

Willie, you come to the end.

Uhh.

Hey, I'm glad I took
this class with Bella.

To be honest, I took it a little slow
because I didn't want to steal her thunder.

Today was about her.

Well, am I the best around?

Uh...

- You're my Karate Kid.
- Great.

Hey, I'm a fourth degree
black belt in parenting.

"Don't spoil your dessert." "Eat
those vegetables." "You're grounded."

- All right.
- Good.

- We're out of here. See ya, brother.
- Great.

Hey, Bob, seriously. You
need to go see a podiatrist.

You don't need to
worry about my toe.

Whoo-hoo!

All right, boys.

- Light it.
- Lightin' it up.

It's lit.

Safety off.

Can't believe it. You missed
that whole beaver dam.

- Legolas could do it.
- Maybe that's some faulty napalm.

- I don't think you hit it.
- Si, you can't even see from back here.

Oh, I can...

- Oh!
- Take cover.

It's rainin' beaver sticks.

Whoo! I think I peed
my pants a little.

Jep peed in his pants.

That's all it took was some
dynamite and some precision shooting.

Did you notice the flame on it?

Thanks to yours truly
and the J-E-L-O— Oh, no!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Okay.
- All right.

- Okay, boys.
- A little secondary there.

- That was a beaver blowin' up.
- Yeah.

- The heat got to it.
- But a flamin' arrow came through.

I feel like I'm ready for
the Hunger Games now.

Hey, look, speakin'
of that, I'm hungry.

- Yeah. I could eat a bite.
- Yeah.

There's always room
for napalm, boys.

Mission accomplished.

Let's pray.

Father, thank you for adopting us as
your children. We're humbled by that.

Thank you for another
day on planet Earth.

It's through Jesus we
ask this prayer. Amen.

Amen.

Getting older can
be a funny thing.

When you're young, all
you want to do is grow up.

But when you get older,
you miss being young.

But what I've learned is just
because you're getting older...

doesn't mean you
have to grow up.

You want to blow up
a beaver dam, go for it.

If you want to take karate with
your 10-year-old daughter, do it.

Because life is about finding the balance
between being a responsible adult...

and staying young at heart.

Even if it means getting beat
up by a freakishly strong little girl.

Si, pass me that Mayhaw jelly.

No, that's jungle jelly, jack.

I'm talkin' about ba-woom!