Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 6 - De-Bug Life - full transcript

- I love crawfish.
- All right.

- Crawfish po'boys.
- Oh, yeah.

- Fried crawfish tails.
- Mm-hmm.

- Crawfish patties.
- Yup, yup. That's good too.

Until you've lived
in Louisiana...

you'll never really appreciate
the crawfish the way we do.

Crawfish au gratin.

Yep, that's good too. But
you gotta catch 'em first.

They're so good, they turn Godwin
into Bubba from Forrest Gump.

Crawfish étouffé.

First the traps,
then the étouffé.



- Fried crawfish.
- Godwin.

We will do whatever it takes
to get our hands on them.

- Man.
- I see the crawfish traps in there.

Even if it means going into our
duck blinds during the off-season...

to get our hands
on crawfish traps.

When's the last time
somebody been in there?

- About December.
- Uh-oh.

Which can get a little hairy.

If you wanna eat the crawfish,
the way you wanna eat 'em...

you need to go in there
and get the crawfish trap.

That's why I'm
sending Godwin in first.

Hold your breath.
Ease on in there.

Godwin, you sure
you can get in there?

Now there's a picture. That
could be Godwin's Christmas card.



- It's a gator in there!
- Huh?

- It's a gator in there.
- For real?

Yeah, it is.

- How big is it?
- He's Godzilla big.

He's a bull. Like a...

- What, are you juggling?
- Giant.

You all right?

Gonna need subtitles for that.

- I hear movement.
- Must be pretty big. I hear his tail
dragging on the blind floor.

- This thing's a dragon!
- Is he coming out of there with it?

Godwin.

- It's a dragon.
- It's a dragon, boys.

Is this what all the
fuss was about?

- A three-footer?
- Man, are you hiding?

- He's hiding.
- Godwin, where you going?

- Come here, Godwin.
- Look at them teeth on that thing.

Come here, take a look at it.

He gone.

It takes him 50
steps to go 20 yards.

His little feet are going
fast and he ain't moving.

Well, boys, I hate to tell you
this. You know what this means?

Yeah, it means
Godwin is a big weenie.

- Besides that?
- You look like Cousin Itt.

- Hey, what?
- It's time to debug...

or in this case,
de-gator, all the blinds.

Oh.

- Si, go back and get your crawfish traps.
- No. See you clowns later.

♪♪

God, it's freezing out here.

You think anybody
will come in the cold?

No.

Maybe they'll see that it's for
charity and they'll stop anyway.

I thought we needed
more sponges.

Well, we thought we were
gonna have more cars.

Today, Korie and the kids are running
a charity car wash for the church.

And I've decided to
throw in a helping hand.

You can't have a car
wash when it's freezing.

Well, it was supposed
to be warmer today.

Too bad they didn't schedule this for
yesterday when it was 75 degrees and sunny.

- How much have y'all made?
- Five dollars.

Oh, my gosh.

Now's as good a time as ever to teach
my kids you gotta roll with the punches.

If you put it up, it
wouldn't fly in your face.

It's so windy.

'Cause doing business outdoors in
Louisiana comes with a lot of punches.

Didn't she do
good? It looks cute.

- That's not—That's not good.
- Why?

You can't even see what it
is. "Car wash" needs to pop.

- Isn't her lettering cute?
- No, it's confusing.

- What?
- Nobody's gonna stop at that.

Okay. Thanks, Dad.

We're gonna raise some money and have
a good time doing it. We're gonna have fun.

We're not out here to have fun.
It's not all supposed to be fun.

- John Luke.
- Willie, it's a fund raiser.

It starts with "fun."

- We need to get this sign up.
- Yes, I agree.

Korie and Sadie, y'all handle that.
I gotta go make some phone calls.

It's a gator in there.

I ain't going in this one first.

- Huh?
- I ain't going in this one first.

What did you bring
a shovel for anyway?

This is my cottonmouth
guillotine. Hyah!

What if you run into a gator?

Boom. Hey.

Phil don't like a man
sitting down on the job.

- He knocked me off my perch here.
- Well, I came in a little hot.

Being a hunter isn't just
about whacking ducks.

There are truly some mundane
and tedious tasks involved.

Y'all look like one of these road crews
just standing there under the shade trees.

The annual debugging of
the blinds is one of those tasks.

So I'm gonna get them back in here.
Y'all start right here and go that way.

Kind of like how people think a
cop just rides around in police cars...

and chases bad guys.

- Well, there's way more this way.
- Hey, that's why there's a lot of y'all.

What people don't realize is there's
actually a lot of paperwork involved.

Are you fired up
about it there, walrus?

I ain't going in this one.

Cleaning out the
blinds is our paperwork.

It must be done.

I'm outta here.

Watch them fire ants.

- Martin's going in first.
- Oh, that was a mistake.

That's what I'm talking about.
That's courage, right there, Godwin.

Hey.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

- Better scoot back.
- I ain't getting stung.

One, two, three.

That's all of it.

- Did you get 'em?
- One wasp's nest down.

A million to go.

One of the positives of
debugging the blinds...

is that you really never
know what you're gonna find.

- Incoming, Godwin.
- Hey, a tire.

You get three more,
you can build you a truck.

The water rises and leaves behind all
these surprises when it goes back down.

Hey, a jar of pickles.
This one's gonna be heavy.

Oh, look how nasty that is.

Over the years, we've come across
things that you can't even imagine.

Oh, God. That smells
like pure gasoline.

- I can smell that from here.
- Those are bad.

- No, Godwin.
- Godwin?

- God— - Somebody call 911.

- They're pickled. They don't never go bad.
- That's a false statement.

But I can't say that I would
recommend eating any of it.

I got a pickle jar
and I got a tire today.

I can't wait to go to the next
one. It's just like Christmas.

Boy, he had some bad
Christmases growing up.

Mm-hmm.

We got another Godwin treasure.

Oh, it's like Mr. Wilson
from that show. Wilson!

Are you talking about
Castaway or Dennis the Menace?

Wilson!

You should've never
ate them pickles.

It's good. Now I—I'm getting
bit. What in the world? Ah!

- What is it?
- Ants, fire ants.

All outdoorsmen
have their nemesis.

- Golly, they're in my britches.
- Got ants in his pants.

With Phil, it's the beaver. With
Si, it's the mystical black panther.

With me, it is the
dreaded fire ant.

- Good grief.
- What is it about this blind?

Every time we get in this
blind, we get covered in ants.

Get out of here. Go!

They strike when you least
expect it. And there's no remedy.

- Die!
- He really hates ants.

So do I right now. Them
suckers are in my boots.

- Godwin, scratch.
- No.

- Come on.
- No.

- Scratch it.
- Nah.

- Come on.
- No.

They got him in the groin now.

Down here, "ants in your pants"
has a totally different meaning.

Oh, yeah. That's where it hurts.

A more painful one.

Die, die, die.

- You know what?
- What?

- I am sick— - And tired?

And tired of these ants.

I tell you something, we're
gonna go for a quarter mile...

and we're gonna burn every ant
hill, ant house, ant pile, ant hole.

- Hotels.
- Motel.

Holiday Inn.

Burn 'em all.

Who's with me?

Well.

Come on, Wilson.
Let's start a fire.

That's what I'm talking about.

All right, well, we've
got a few customers.

They are all related to us, but, hey,
money is money, even if it's family money.

Miss Kay put her
five dollars in there.

You can throw more than
five dollars in there, I know that.

- Hey, that's for the kids.
- What?

I'll eat part of it and
a kid can eat the rest.

Y'all got any food?

- Hey.
- Si.

- What?
- You're not here to eat.

- You're eating.
- I can eat, 'cause I'm in charge
of this operation.

- You're in charge of this?
- Not that great, but we do have a sign.

Nobody's gonna stop for a sign.

Willie has not caught on to
what really sells stuff, okay?

You've got to have
the wow factor.

You gotta have something extra.

We're doing the best
we can with what we got.

No.

Hey, look. You wanna
see some razzle-dazzle?

Keep your hands on the eyes.

I got your money. I've got
all the money in your wallet.

You gotta make a big
spectacle to draw the crowd in.

- Like a blimp or fireworks.
- A blimp?

We need one of them inflatable
men like they do at the car dealership.

- A 'flatable man?
- Yeah. You know, he's like this...

And then he points to
where the car wash is.

- Those do draw your attention.
- Look, John Luke's doing it.

- Yeah, that's good.
- See what I'm talking about?

- It's like this.
- You gotta bend your legs.

No, Jess. You gotta
go down like this.

And go up and down.

That would draw
your attention, Willie.

- Oh, man.
- That's what I'm talking about.

See that? See what
I'm talking about?

If you want
spectacle, here we go.

- It's making me dizzy.
- Look, the point is here...

you need some help with
your marketing strategy.

Come out here with me and I'll
show you what I'm talking about.

- Come on.
- Show you what?

I found 'em.

Look at the size of this
hill. This whole thing.

And they got
camouflage in flowers.

- See the trail?
- There they go.

- See the trail?
- Uh-huh.

- Boom! Headquarters.
- Those things are foul.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

I mean, they just keep coming.

I mean, you're
talking about evil.

When I was 12, I was
swimming in the river.

I just barely brushed
up against an ant pot.

- This is the epicenter.
- This is the epicenter, right here.

They immediately just engulf me.

So I went to stripping
clothes. I run back to the house.

When I opened the
door, I was unaware...

that my mom was having
a muffin group brunch.

And there I am in my birthday
suit covered in ant bites.

- It's gross.
- We need to kill 'em all.

I've never forgiven
the ants after that.

- Look there.
- Ooh. Oh, boy.

Poke it again.

- Whoa!
- Oh, yeah, that's all of it.

- Give me that lighter fluid.
- Here. I got it.

Douse it. Douse it, hurry.

We gonna give a new
name to fire ants here.

- Go in the hole.
- You think that's a deep enough hole?

Yep.

Get you some of that.

- Let's light 'em up.
- Light them suckers up.

Come on, Jep.

- Fire in the hole.
- All right, Jep.

- That's gonna blow up.
- Let's do it.

I'm glad I'm not
dying of hypothermia.

I can get it. Step back.

- Okay.
- Take that.

Fry!

- Look at 'em turn white.
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Now that's fire ants.

Look at them running toward
the top of the bushes. Look.

That's the same thing they do
when you have a flood or a fire.

- You know where they go?
- The highest point.

Highest point. They just
go to those high rise hotels.

- The trees?
- The trees.

- Yeah?
- We need to cut those.

If we abandon the debugging the
blind plan for the fire ant massacre...

there's a pretty good chance that my
dad is not gonna be happy about that.

Are those trees good for
anything out here for ducks?

Nope.

That's why they gotta go down.
And then no more ant problems.

If there is a choice
between pleasing Phil...

and letting the fire ants
get the upper hand...

I'm gonna kill me
some fire ants.

- You wanna torch 'em all the way there?
- We're gonna torch 'em all the way there.

Their homes, their
businesses, their places of rest.

If you say so.

Where they time out, where they
race, where they play, where they fight.

Holiday Inn.

Where's my chain saw?

Hey, this sign is pitiful.

I said we should've gotten a bigger
sign. That's all we had to work with.

Not only that, it's pointing
the wrong direction.

- I think the wind messed it up.
- No, hey, pitiful.

It's gotta have more
razzle-dazzle than this.

Si, it's a sign. Si!

- You gotta have way more of this.
- Si, that's not a toy.

Si!

Si, you are literally
almost in the street.

Hey, you gotta have it
where you can flash it.

- Whoa, look out.
- God dang it!

- Uh-oh.
- Si.

Good grief, boy. This sign flippin'
done got dangerous out here in this wind.

Si's the only person
I know that can turn a

seemingly harmless
activity into a dangerous one.

- Si.
- What?

Si!

There was the time he nearly
drowned in a pool playing Marco Polo.

- Si.
- Willie.

- Si.
- Willie.

And there was the time he fell
out of a tree playing capture the flag.

Hey.

And who could forget when
he lost two teeth playing Bingo.

Never got that
fixed, by the way.

He's missing a
couple of... teeth.

You idiot! Hi, hey!

Everybody's just honking.
They're not stopping.

Look, hey. The marketing
strategy is working, buddy.

- I don't think it is.
- Look here.

- Hey.
- That's what I'm talking about, boy.

It's all about the spectacle.

Si, you're gonna stand right
here all day and hold that sign.

- Blow it out your ear!
- Si.

They're pickles. They
don't never go bad.

I'm gonna cut this tree down...

and it's gonna fall right
across that little creek.

- No.
- No.

I've had a chain saw in my hand
since I was about six years old.

I know where this
tree is gonna fall.

Are we gonna cut
this tree down or what?

Cut that sucker down.

On a day like today...

when you're about to accomplish
a feat of this magnitude.

I'm gonna send a
message to the ant world.

Go elsewhere or die.

Sometimes you just
gotta relish in the moment.

I'm making a
declaration to all ants.

The heavy metal is coming.

♪♪

What was the last part?

♪♪

I'm bringing the pain.

Some teenagers play
guitars. Others play chain saws.

Well, you gonna
cut it down or what?

♪♪

Hmm.

Every time we get in
that blind, it's full of ants.

Hmm.

I'm trying to kill these ants.

That's the biggest ant pile
in the world, right over there.

Hmm.

I'm telling you, I have
chased them ants...

for a quarter of a mile.

They were in these trees.

Well.

It was Jep's idea.

This is kind of a trick
that always works...

when I'm trying to get the
truth out of one of my sons.

No, I thought it was
dumb. I really did.

You don't say anything. You just look
at 'em, right in the eyes and go, "Hmm."

It just kind of brings
one closer to confessing.

Hmm.

Tell you the truth, I've been
wanting to cut these two trees...

and move that blind over
here for about 10 years.

That might not work for
everyone, but it works for me.

- What's your problem?
- He ate some bad pickles
we found in the blind.

- How many did he eat?
- All of 'em.

Anybody check the date
on 'em before he ate 'em?

There wasn't a date,
but they were brown.

There wasn't but
one brown pickle.

They were disgusting. And
the smell. What about the smell?

Whew, gas.

Like, every time he picked one
up, you could just see what was left.

It just dissolved
into the bottle.

Where's he going?

I bet I've killed at
least 50 million ants.

The tree's gone. We might
as well quit crying about it.

Y'all crying about the tree? I was
for a little bit coming across that field.

Oh, wow.

If you move right here, Jase.

- He just did that.
- Northeast wouldn't be too bad.

Good night a living.

♪ At the car wash ♪

Idiot.

Well, well, well.

Jase, get your wallet out.
Throw some money in here.

Let's wash that piece of crap.

- Everybody knows I don't do car washes.
- What?

Car washes, they're not for me.

If you wash your vehicle, it's just
gonna get all messed up again.

- And then you wash it again.
- Just like you wash your body
when it gets dirty.

That's optional.

But I will support my
family because I love them.

Do you wipe your rear end
or you just let that ride too?

Depends on where I'm at.

- It's just gonna get dirty again.
- Potty jokes.

Plus, Godwin rode over
here in the truck bed.

So that thing could
use a good hosing down.

- Was it your idea to have Si out there?
- I can't take credit for that one.

I'm sure Willie
will. Way to go, Si.

It's genius. The only thing
you gotta worry about...

- Yep.
- He's gonna need a nap.

Good grief. That one was close.

- There's Mountain Man.
- Whoa.

Where's he been?

I'm not cleaning that.
That's for the guys.

- Whoo-hoo! It's time for our break.
- I'm going with them.

- Oh, my God.
- I don't even like to wash cars.

Kids, get up. We got
some work for you.

Father, we thank you
for your love, your mercy.

Thank you for
this good food too.

It's through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

In business, hiring the right
person for the job is crucial.

Because the people
you hire represent you.

In family, though, you
don't get to pick and choose.

Sometimes you get lucky...

like Si's crazy marketing
plan actually working.

Other times, the guy you
asked to help on a cleaning job...

ends up cutting down half
the forest in a fit of blind rage.

In the end, you have to
take the good with the bad...

because you can't fire family.

Even if there are times
when you really might want to.

- Godwin, you ain't hungry?
- Nope.

- Sure you don't want any of this pie?
- No.

- You love pie.
- Nope.