Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 8 - Pit Perfect - full transcript

John Luke. Hey?

- John Luke. John Luke.
- What?

- Crush it!
- Willie.

- Crush it!
- Willie.

Willie, no coaching
from the stands.

You're distracting.

I'm not distracting them.

John Luke's hair looks
cute like that, doesn't it?

- Come on it!
- Yeah, I kinda want him to get it cut

- for the wedding.
- You don't like long hair on a guy?

If he keeps growing it, it's
gonna be as long as mine.



- It is, that's true.
- That'll be awkward.

It's not awkward.
Put some spin on it!

Sometimes it's awkward when
your hair is as long as mine.

- You could wear a bandana.
- Yeah?

- Look at my dad. Look at me.
- Yeah.

Look at John Luke. Oh, my...

- Good job, buddy.
- John Luke, grunt more!

Dad, I'm trying to play.

You need to grunt.

Willie, talk when
the point's over with.

- Okay.
- I told you, babe.

- They're gonna kick us out.
- Ain't kicking me outta here.

All right, I can be
a little vocal when it

comes to John
Luke's sporting events.



But one of my basic duties
as a father is coaching my son.

- Come on, John Luke.
- What?

- Crash it!
- You're not the coach.

- Crush! Crush!
- Dad. Dad!

Crush it.

Willie!

Saying nothing at all during my
son's match? There's a word for that.

It's called "neglect."

- Willie.
- I'm not saying anything.

Sit down.

- Crush it.
- Willie, just sit down.

So the way I see it, I'm
just being a good parent.

All right, John Luke, this
is match point, right here.

- You got this.
- I don't know if he does or not.

There you go.

Come on. Crush it!

Good shot! There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.

- Good work. Good work, guys.
- You did good.

- Good game.
- Looking good out there.

- Crush it next time.
- He won.

Korie, anybody
can beat them, Crap.

Oh, gosh.

It's who you're playing against.

- When your mom and I used to play...
- When's the last time y'all played?

Shoot, we played, like...

- We play all the time.
- We should play together.

Yeah, we should play.

You got the Best in the
West winner right here.

- Uh, I don't know.
- We could play doubles. It's be fun.

Yeah! Let's play.

Every time we do
this, you get hurt.

- That is true.
- No, I don't.

You do get injured a lot.

Professional athletes
get hurt every week.

So, in a way,
I'm kinda like that.

- Okay.
- Don't worry about me.

- All right.
- Let's do it.

- Let's do it.
- Don't cry whenever I beat you now.

You ain't playing against
seventh grade boys here.

- Willie, he won.
- You play like that when you play us,

you're gonna get drilled.

Hey, that's a
pretty good trophy.

It ties the room together.

Shouldn't it be gold
instead of brown?

Why did Willie bring
this trophy in here?

He did not. I took it out of his
office and brought it in here.

He's probably going
nuts looking for it.

Si!

That trophy weighs
more than you.

Hey, you look at that... poof!

Look at his arm shaking.

Hey, that's because there's
so much power in there.

That's a bunch of horses
ready to be released.

Look, this is a herd of them!

Okay, waiting to be released!

It's a charley horse
waiting to be released.

- Ouch! I ain't scared of nothing.
- That's solid iron, boys.

Oh, yeah.

So you used the dolly?

Is that what they call it, stupid
thing that's got wheels on it?

- Yeah, it's a dolly. Yeah.
- A dolly? Okay.

Yeah.

With the annual Duck Commander
500 NASCAR race coming up,

some of us are having trouble
focusing in the duck call shop.

All I wanna be is the
Grand Marshal of it.

- I don't think you got what it takes.
- What're you talking about?

- No. No!
- Yeah.

I could care less who
really is the Grand Marshal,

but Si thinking he's
the most qualified...

- And I've got it, boys.
- Is just crazy.

The Grand Marshal is a man that
has got a lot of, what, showmanship?

- Swag.
- Swag.

I've got showmanship and swag.

The man is loud
enough on his own.

The last thing he needs
is a live microphone.

All I wanna do is drive
one of them things.

Me, too.

One of my buddies is
testing today out at the track.

Will he let us drive it?

Let me see if
he's still out there.

He ain't gonna let you drive it.

What're you talking
about, not let me drive it?!

You're one stop away from
never having a driver's license

- for the rest of your life.
- No.

I'm afraid I'd put some
of them clowns in the wall.

Who took my trophy?

Hey, can I be the Grand
Poohbah of the race?

What?

I wanna be the Grand Poohbah.

- Grand Poohbah?
- Yeah.

- I don't even know what that is.
- The Grand Marshal of the race.

Talking about: "Gentlemen,
start your engines!"

- Denied.
- That's a big mistake, a big fat one.

Why is that a big mistake?

You talking about mistakes?
Look at what you got on.

Snow camo on shorts?

For your information, I'm going to play
tennis with John Luke and Mary Kate.

- You're gonna get your tail strapped.
- Or break something.

- I want that back in my office.
- We'll get on that right before we go

drive an actual race car.

My buddy's got a car
we might be driving.

- In town?
- Yep.

- I'm gonna put somebody in the wall.
- Count me out on that.

- All right.
- Quit getting stuff out of my office.

- Uh-oh.
- What happened?

- Uh-oh.
- Boom! Ronnie said come on out, boys!

Really? Heck yeah!

I gave y'all fair warning, boys.

Somebody's going in the wall.

Crash it!

Yeah! Practice serves. Any time.

- Willie.
- Spread your wings like an eagle.

- Don't talk in the middle of my serve.
- Little high.

You need to turn into an eagle.

I've never heard
anybody say "do eagle."

You've never had a
professional lesson.

- Hey, are we gonna play?
- Okay. We're loose.

I'm really happy John Luke and

Mary Kate decided
to play tennis with us,

but I'm a little bit concerned
that Willie could be

taking the competition
a little too seriously.

A swing and a miss!

John Luke may be used to
his dad's competitive spirit...

No pressure, Mary Kate!

Oh, my gosh.

But I think he could actually
be scaring Mary Kate.

Ooh!

Like a little mouse
coming to the cobra.

- What is "the cobra"?
- It's me, coming up behind the net.

Willie may think

he's teaching them a lesson
about marriage and tennis...

- The cobra, the eagle...
- That's how you teach.

And cobras and eagles, but the
only thing they're actually learning

is how not to act
on the tennis court.

And the old people win.

Well, another one we've won.

Two-zero.

All right, I know what y'all are
going through. You think it's over.

This is a good lesson.
Just like in marriage,

you have to stick with it.

See, your mom, she's
kind of an old tennis player,

but we play together as a team,
and basically are kicking y'alls butts.

And y'all should be embarrassed.

You get the lesson?

Okay, you just said I'm old
and they should be embarrassed.

- It was a little fuzzy.
- They should be embarrassed.

- I said you're an "older" tennis player.
- That is not encouraging.

- John Luke, did you get the lesson?
- I got it.

Let's play some tennis.

Look, just 'cause I'm
playing my son and his fiancé,

doesn't mean I'm gonna
take this match lightly.

In fact, it's just the opposite.

Ohh!

Good job, Mary Kate.

I can't think of a better metaphor
for the struggles of marriage

than getting crushed in
a couples tennis match.

Crush it!

- John Luke, we got this.
- You don't have this, Mary Kate.

I'm doing this out of love. The bigger
the beat down Korie and I serve up...

Uh-oh, go.

The more they're gonna
have to learn to work as a team

and gain the necessary
skills for marriage.

- You just standing there?
- Don't hand it to them at the net.

- Good job.
- Good night.

Skills like communication...

You need some oxygen? Maybe
we can get you one of those tanks.

I'm running all over the court.
You're just standing up there.

Admitting when you're wrong...

- Nope.
- How far?

- It was out by a mile, Dad.
- Being supportive...

- Net.
- The eagle was sleeping on that one.

And complimenting
each other's weaknesses.

- Crap! Sadie.
- Oh!

If you actually hit the ball
in she'll stop calling it out.

Willie.

One day, they're gonna
look back at this butt-kicking...

- That's game.
- Two-to-one.

And thank me for my
coaching, on and off the court.

- Oh!
- Oh! Home run!

You all right there, cobra?

Mmm, it felt like a cobra
just bit my shoulder.

I'm feeling a comeback.

Hey, just let me know if you
need me to come in for you.

Sadie, pipe down.

- This... is... awesome!
- Every redneck's dream.

- Okay, pit this time. Pit this time.
- Okay, shut her down.

Okay. Talk about
a grand entrance.

Good!

Smile, guys. You're on camera.

Hey! All my friends are here.

Why take it loud, Danny?

What?

Look, guys, this
ain't my first time

around hi-tech
vehicles, all right?

I drove a Deuce and a Half
in Vietnam for crying out loud.

All right, guys, before we hit the track
we're gonna learn about pit road action.

Look, when something broke,
hey, we didn't need no fancy pit tools.

We were the tools.

A couple of pumps,
and there you go.

No jack? Hey, no problem.

Look, that's what these
puppies right here were for.

- Hey.
- Installed.

My teeth, they can
fit any size lug nut.

Tire needed air?
They're called lungs.

- Let's see what you got, Godwin.
- Be careful with that, it's loaded.

Hey.

I was so good at it,
okay, hey, my lieutenant,

he said I was the biggest
tool in the company.

- Put the gun down, and step away.
- Okay, going down.

Hey, you talk about
high praise, boys.

We got one more thing we still
need to do. We jack the car up,

we still gotta get fuel in
the car so we can race.

I don't know about car gas, but,
hey, human gas, this is your boy.

- He don't look like much, but...
- That's right, but he's deadly.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you
I'm the best farter in the duck call room,

but everybody else will.

Jep is now attempting
the gas man.

Here, son, here.

- Back off! You got a match?
- Sprung a leak!

If we were all X-Men,
there's no doubt

my superpower would
be farting on command.

- Hey!
- We got about five laps on the ground

here in front of us, so we're
cutting into y'all's driving time now.

- That ain't good, Jep.
- What would my superhero name be?

The Wind Warrior.

Fantastic Fart.

The Gust of Death.

Sloppy gas man.

Don't mess with me
because it's coming.

It's coming.

And hell's coming with it.

You know, a regular NASCAR crew team,
this would be grounds for getting fired.

- Better to be fired than on fire.
- Yeah, fire does happen.

Yeah.

All right, who wants
to drive this thing?

I do!

- I wanna drive!
- All right, let's fire this sucker up.

Maybe we should
move it from the gas.

No, we'll burn out on that.

I hope you guys end
up driving a lot better

than you are at
putting fuel in the car.

Some people are born drivers,

some were born to
be crappy gas men.

Crush it!

The kids made quite a comeback,

but the elders still
have match point.

Game set, point.

Serve the ball!

Willie may have started
this match trying to share

some pearls of wisdom, with
John Luke and Mary Kate...

- Oh, no.
- Crap.

- Oh, shoot.
- Oh!

But now I'm not even sure he's
gonna make it through the match,

let alone teach them anything.

Dad looks like
he's falling apart.

All right now, you're not on
Dancing With the Stars anymore.

The only person learning
a lesson here is Willie.

Ooh!

Always stretch
before physical activity.

- About to pass out here.
- You can ice it later. Now come on.

Get it.

You got it. Yours. Here's...

- Oh! Game!
- Whoo!

Set, match: the elders.

Look, I may not be able to
lift my arm for a week or two,

but beating them two
youngsters made it all worth it.

And it was also nice teaching them
about marriage and stuff like that.

This is what 20, 30 years
of marriage looks like.

And if nothing else, they at
least learned to enjoy their youth.

And their healthy rotator cups.
Trust me, they don't last forever.

These shoulders,
they run in the family.

Excuse me, sir,
don't lean on the nets.

You just gotta struggle
through the pain.

It's just like
marriage. You gotta...

- And, uh...
- Work as a team.

- Good game, kids.
- Good match.

All right, guys, this is what
we've been waiting for all day.

What we've been
leading up to. So here's

our chance to drive
and race a car today.

What we're gonna do is we're
gonna run three laps and...

The winner gets to
be the Grand Marshal.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Swing your right leg in first.

Swing it in there and sit down.

It's real easy. There
you go, there you go.

- No, that's all.
- He's hung, boys.

- All right, I'm out.
- You look like a race car centaur.

Godwin, I guess
you're gonna be up next.

Oh, yeah.

Look, race cars are
designed to be fast.

Uh-oh.

And when you want to
be fast, you gotta be light.

I can't reach the pedals.

- Can you move the seat up some?
- The seat don't move.

And you can't be light when
you're the size of a walrus.

- Jep, how ya feel?
- I feel strong, boys.

- He's feeling strong.
- All right, here we go.

Give it a little pump of gas.

- Oh, yeah!
- Let's back off here.

All right, Jep. Good luck.

Now it's mine, Jep.

Told to take it
around for three, boys.

Ease off the clutch, give it
a little gas, you should go.

- That's all, that's all. All right!
- That's all.

- Time is ticking.
- Start the clock!

I'm pretty terrified of
driving this thing right now.

Give it some gas!

There you go, give it some gas!

I spilled a lot of gas on
myself trying to fill this thing up.

Especially around
my nether regions.

- Get on the gas. You're fine.
- Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

This is like the pace car.

If I push this thing too hard,
it might burst into flames...

along with my shorts.

All right, come in for the
checker. Come in for the checker.

- Coming in for the checker, boys!
- Come on by!

And I like these shorts...

along with what's under them.

Your fastest time was a 38.2

I think I could run that.

- Is that fast?
- Uh...

If you was running a 2.5 mile track
in, let's say Daytona or Talladega,

it would be, but not
on Three-Eights Mile.

Wanna see somebody go fast?

- You need to get him out.
- All right.

So Martin and Godwin
were disqualified.

For complications due to size.

- Ow.
- Jep's driving around,

like he's leading a parade. And Si is
probably gonna put the car in the wall.

So I basically have
this wrapped up.

Okay, you're ready to
go. Give it a little gas.

Come on, Jase!

Hey, look at him!

Besides forfeiting,
I don't think there's

any way that I could
not win this race.

Hey, put it in the
next gear, son!

He gonna blow it up!

- Okay, go to third gear.
- What?

You're in second gear, you need
to go to third gear. You're in second!

What everybody
needs to realize, it's not

even about being
Grand Marshal at all.

He's better than you are, Jep!

I just wanna win this race.

- All right, boys.
- That's a 28 second lap. Pretty good.

- He beat by ten seconds.
- That's bad.

My earplug fell out.
I could just hear:

You're not very good.

I realized I only had
it in second gear.

I'm glad you realized
that, because I was

scared the motor
was fixing to explode.

How do you like your chances?

They're looking
real good right now.

Real good.

Si, this is way more
scary than you think.

All right, I gotta go
make a pit stop for I run.

I gotta go make a pit stop.

He does that when
he gets nervous.

Jase, what was your time?

Twenty-eight seconds,
I'm not real proud of it.

I'm gonna beat that
by a minute, son.

You're going down.

- Find fourth gear in a hurry.
- You're going down.

- And stay alive.
- You're going down.

Everybody's big talk
before they take off. Uh-oh.

Oh, here we go.

- Why didn't y'all call me?
- How'd you even know we were here?

Jep sent that selfie.

Surprise.

- You letting Si ride this car?
- Looks like it.

You realize he's
blind and old as crap?

Hey, y'all get the fat boy off the
track before I can do my three laps.

- Good luck, Si!
- I'm next!

Last Minute Robinson,
start your engines!

- Oh, no!
- And he's off.

He's in the grass.

- He went in the grass?
- Yeah!

Hey, look, in the racing world
you always hear guys saying,

"Hey, I got the need for speed."

Hey, I got something
even better than that, okay.

I got the obligation
for acceleration, okay.

Okay, you're taking the
green flag this time by.

You boys are in trouble.

After I win today, I might as well go
join NASCAR and win that one too.

All right, he's going
now. That was a fast lap.

The only issue I
can see right now

is holding my bladder for
three hours during the race.

You're in fourth. You're
good. You're in fourth gear.

I might have to wear a diaper

or use my tea glass
in an emergency.

Looking good. Come on around.

Hey, look, I'm not the only
racer that's went the diaper route.

Why do you think they call
Dale Earnhardt "Junior"?

It's 'cause he wears a diaper.

Looking good. Keep on the
bottom, come on, come on, Si.

- Come on. Come on home.
- Uh-oh.

- What's that?
- He's slowing down.

Piece of junk!

That's all of it. Uh-oh,
I think we're out of fuel.

- There ain't no gas in it.
- Si, you ran outta gas.

It's a good thing, 'cause I was
fixing to open this puppy up.

You did great once
you got out of the grass.

Don't break a rib, Si.

- Good grief.
- Twenty-six seconds.

Congratulations, Si, you got
the fastest time of the day, man.

I'm happy and proud of you.

Good job!

Does that mean I get
to be Grand Marshal?

- You do.
- No, this ain't finished, son.

- I still gotta ride in it.
- What're you talking about?

- We have no gas.
- You need more gas?

We were practicing pit
stops earlier in the day, Willie.

And all of our gas is on
the ground over there.

Does that make me Grand Poohbah?

- No, no, no.
- We had a bet, Si won.

Yeah, Willie. To the
victor goes the spoils.

- Here you go.
- On the NASCAR circuit,

they do it with milk, but...

Oh, God...

Hard to believe
y'all ran out of gas.

All right, let's get
out of here, boys.

Hey! That's best
one I've done, boys.

Y'all ready to see a race?

Drivers, start your engines!

Please remain standing

as Sadie Robertson
offers our invocation.

Dear God, I just come to you today
and I just say thank you so much

for getting us all here safely.

I pray for the weather
to hold off the rain,

and thank you for
this beautiful day.

God, please be
with all the drivers.

Thank you for everything
you've given us.

And let this all be in your name.
In your name we pray, amen.

It's easy in life to let your
competitive nature get the best of you,

even the best of us
get too caught up in

the competition to
have fun in the moment.

Or, never get caught
up in the moment at all,

because your idiot brother poured
five laps worth of gas on his pants.

So while there's something to
said for a hard-fought victory,

don't forget to enjoy the
moments that make it up.

Especially the moments before you
shred every ligament in your shoulder.

Hey, Willie. Next year,
can I drive one of the cars

and tell everybody I'm
the Grand Poohbah?

- Nope.
- Hey, I'll take that as a maybe.