Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 4 - Quackdraft - full transcript

All right, let's go.

- Load me up. Load me up.
- All right. Right here.

I don't wanna give it to
him 'cause he's gonna eat it.

- I can eat whatever I wanna eat.
- No, you can't.

You gotta know when to say when.

You need to go serve, Willie.

Today, Duck Commander is
having a pancake breakfast...

to support the West
Monroe Fire Department.

Look at Korie. Look at Korie.

Oh, good job.

Not only is it a great cause, but it
combines three of my favorite things:



Family, community and pancakes.

I need more bacon too.

All right, four things. And the
fire trucks are pretty cool too.

- Hey, Will.
- Yep.

- More coffee.
- Jase, bring more coffee.

- And one hot pancake.
- Calm down.

- I need one hot pancake.
- Si, this ain't about you.

- It's about the firefighters.
- My first stack was four.

Second stack was
six. This one's seven.

I cannot eat it uneven.

- You keep eatin' the top one.
- It's out of balance.

All right. Hey. Oh, yeah. That's
what I'm talkin' about, boys.

- That'll work.
- Willie?

- Chuckles!
- Hey, Willie, how you been?



- Oh, I been great.
- Oh, man, is that Chuckles?

- It's Chief Simmons now.
- You got it, Chief Chuckles.

I've known Chuckles
since eighth grade.

- Hey, Chief Chuckles.
- Uh...

- What's up?
- We're good friends...

and we like to joke with
each other about stuff.

- Remember that time
I gave you that atomic wedgie?
- I do remember.

Good old days back
then. Good old days.

I can joke about it. Chuckles
never had much of a sense of humor.

Which is ironic
given his nickname.

- What is that?
- Kay, did you burn the pancakes?

Kay burned the pancakes, boys.

Oh, sweet!

- Oh! Oh!
- Yeah!

You know what that
says? Get out of my way.

Dude, I wanna suit up
and go fight some fires.

- Oh, man.
- You are more than welcome to.

We'll set up some drills, let y'all
go through some of our agility tests.

- Let's do this.
- I don't need to do drills.

This'll be a good
test of our manhood.

Jep, you failed the test of manhood
when you put on that blouse.

This is a really nice shirt.

♪♪

♪♪

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, what's up?

Y'all ready to see if
you got what it takes?

- I don't know.
- We got what it takes, son.

Every young boy considers becoming
a fireman at some point in their life.

I got forms that
y'all have to fill out.

There's a lot to like. The
big trucks, the cool gear.

The chance you
may be on a calendar.

Uh-oh. There's a
lot of pages here.

- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.

- You didn't read it.
- I don't care.

- You don't even know what you're signin'.
- Just sign the stupid paper.

Oh. Mmm.

They don't tell you all the
paperwork you have to fill out.

I feel like it's my
fiduciary responsibility...

to let you know he signed something
saying he had no mental condition.

You're actin' fiduciary.

- Oh.
- Cut the stupid.

Y'all got a lot
of birds in here.

- They like it in here.
- They're called firebirds.

Get it? Oh. Mmm.

The problem I see here
is "extremely dangerous...

high-risk activities."

This says, "Perils."

- Jep, you just signed "Perils."
- Just sign your paper, dude.

Dismemberment and misfortune
are in all caps and big bold letters.

Dude, let's be a
fireman for a day.

This is waivin' pretty
much everything that I have.

"Illness, serious injury, emotional
trauma and/or possible death."

- "And/or"?
- Y'all don't need to worry.

We get to be firemen. Who cares?

- All right, whatever.
- All right.

Against my better
judgment, I'm signing it.

I'm gonna trust you
'cause you're firemen.

All right, let's suit up
and go fire somethin'.

Whoa!

So, Si, what exactly are
you suckin' on over there?

Sunflower seeds.

Is it supposed to
sound like that?

I don't know. What
does it sound like?

A hog eatin' corn.

Si has learned the technique
of gettin' under people's skin...

and not even knowing it.

Whether it's shaking
the tea glass— -

or humming a tune
that you've never heard...

♪♪

Or runnin' sunflowers
through one side...

and— spittin' 'em in a cup.

- Can you do it quieter?
- I'll try.

Hmph.

It all comes together
to be sorta caustic.

There she is, Miss
Ward 9 herself.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- A woman with her flowers.
- Aren't these beautiful?

La-di-da!

I'm thinking about
putting some of these...

out at Nanny Carroway's grave.

'Cause I hadn't been there
in a while. Aren't they pretty?

- It's a nice gesture, Miss Kay.
- I want you to get ready to go with me...

so I can get 'em out there.

You're thinking
about doin' that today?

Yeah, because I
don't want 'em to wilt.

I'm just sayin', she'll
be there tomorrow too.

- Phil.
- You mind if I join y'all?

- You like cemeteries, do ya?
- Yeah, I love 'em.

Phil, you're comin' with me.
I'm fixin' to go grab my jacket.

Hey, and I'll join y'all.

- Do the sunflowers go with ya?
- No, I can leave them here.

Whoo. No sunflower
seeds allowed.

All right, guys. I want to
introduce y'all here to Chief Medlen.

He's gonna work with y'all
in going through this course...

showin' y'all how
to do everything.

- Let's see what you got.
- Our first order of business
is to get on the sled here.

You've got to simulate
choppin' a hole in a roof with this.

You've gotta drive
it about 24 inches.

You'll proceed from there.
Where that hose is layin' right there.

You'll grab that nozzle and bring
it down here past these two cones.

Once you pass those cones, come
over here and grab the dummy...

and you drag him down there.

- Who's goin' first?
- Let me show you how to do this.

- All right, station one.
- Do it, Jep.

Come on, son.

Bein' the youngest in the family
is tough. When you're a kid.

- When that siren sounds, you go.
- All right.

- Come on.
- Good lick.

But then one day, you looked up.
Two brothers gettin' a little older.

Lot more out of shape.

- Come on. Again.
- Come on.

And me, I'm in my prime.

All right, small break.

Break? Fire's don't
take breaks, son.

Mm-mm-mm.

"Bay-ah-ta!"

- Jep's not lookin' too good.
- He's done.

I didn't know it was
gonna be this intense.

- Next victim.
- I'm gonna beat his time
and I'm not gonna throw up.

Sometimes I do throw up.

I know these guys have a hard job,
but crap. Can't we have easier drills?

I'm getting nauseated
just thinkin' about it.

Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Come
on. You're almost there. Come on.

It ain't all about firefighting
and going into burnin' houses.

There's other stuff we can do.

- Come on! Go, go!
- There you go.

Where's the old "get the
cat down from the tree"?

Or "false alarm"? You
know, stuff like that.

All right, Willie, you're
next. Get you some.

- I ate a big breakfast.
- What?

I ate a big breakfast.

You're just scared
you're not gonna beat me.

He's not even timin' it.

- He's not.
- He's tryin' to find a clever way to quit.

I haven't stretched yet.

There's burnin'
people in this building.

You left burnin'
people in the building?

- Come on, man.
- I have a process of stretching.

You look like you're
stretching out those pants.

I throw up a lot.

Don't talk about throwin'
up. I really could throw up.

Hey, y'all did good,
boys. Good job.

- All right, what's next, Chief?
- Y'all ready to see some fire?

- Heck, yeah!
- Come on, Jase.

- Show y'all some fire.
- Let's go!

Fire time.

We're goin' to
the real stuff now.

You're gonna do this next one.

Oh, it's pretty out here.

You found her
grave yet, Miss Kay?

No. No, they're kinda
all goin' together here.

I know it's out here somewhere.

- There's a duck.
- What?

- That's cool.
- Yep.

Never trust Miss Kay's direction.
That goes way, way back.

I 'member she was
around a lot of other stuff.

Maybe it's here.

I think it's by this
tree right here...

but that's not her name.

I've never been with Miss
Kay headed to anywhere...

where we didn't get turned
around and lost, ever.

No, that's not
it. That's not it.

- So you have been here, Miss Kay?
- Yeah, a lot of times.

I mean, she's even got
me lost goin' to places...

that I know how to get there.

And I'm still gettin' lost.
I'm followin' her. Okay.

Maybe it wasn't by a tree.

Well, you know,
come to think about it...

I don't think it
was by anything.

I made a vow to the woman
to follow her to the grave.

Do you always have
this much trouble findin' it?

Yeah, about every time.

I just didn't think it would
be taken this literally.

Maybe it's that one over
there by itself. You think?

- Might be.
- I don't know. We'll look.

Your flowers might wilt by
the time you find Nanny's grave.

- Well—Shoot, I just broke one.
- Oh, pitiful.

All right, guys. We're gonna
actually fight some fire here.

A lot of fire's gonna
roll out the back of here.

You've got the way to put it
out, so don't abandon your post.

Y'all be real careful, 'cause
when this fire comes outta here...

you might not have
a beard anymore.

- Huh?
- You ready?

Well, I don't know about— Uh-oh!

- Whoa!
- Good grief!

- We got some heat here now.
- There it goes.

As a redneck myself...

I can safely say that
when it comes to fire...

we're usually the
ones setting the fire.

- Jase, you're missin' the fire.
- Put it in the hole.

Definitely not putting them out.

This thing's got a mind
of its own here, don't it?

You're almost doing good.

If you hit the fire— No,
that's a little too high.

Maybe that's why Jase is having
such a hard time with this one.

- Hold on to it!
- Shut it down, shut it down.

I mean, he's never set
the warehouse on fire...

but he has started
several forest fires.

Andrew, you come put
that fire out for me, please.

Show him how it's done.

- You're a terrible front man.
- It's called teamwork.

- He's a lot better than you.
- Experience does a lot with that.

Yeah, he's way better.

Hey, we should get together
later, make a calendar.

All right, gentlemen, welcome
to our rappelling tower.

- This is high-angle rope rescue.
- Mmm.

It don't look very high from
here, but once you get on top...

that's gonna look really high.

- Oh, it looks pretty high.
- Looks pretty high to me.

This may be the one drill
that I wasn't prepared for.

This—This looks
a little dangerous.

It is a little dangerous.

I'm just glad that I participated
in all of the other drills.

Because if I had been the guy that
had been makin' excuses all day...

Are any of you guys
scared of heights?

We will fix that today.

I'd have a pretty hard time
talkin' my way out of the last one.

That's why— That's
why we stress safety.

Because, uh...

Your life could end here.

Well, crap, that's a downer.

That's not gonna happen.

I can almost— Almost
promise you that.

It's the almost promising
that kind of worries me a bit...

but is this really dangerous?

Oh, yeah. It's
extremely dangerous.

Oh, crap.

If you fall, uh, there's a really
good chance that you'll die.

- But there is a chance to survive?
- Well, we can't be sure of anything.

All right, so who
wants to go first?

I'll go.

- Really?
- I ain't scared.

It's not so much that I want to
rappel down a five-story building.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I know I haven't exactly
participated much today...

and the guys are gonna give
me crap for the rest of my life.

Hey, if anything happens
to him, I got dibs on his truck.

You can have the truck,
'cause I guess that means...

I'll be the new CEO.

- You're not gonna be the CEO.
- You won't be here!

I'm not gonna die!

So, of all the drills, the one
where gravity does all the work...

that sounds like a good
one to volunteer for.

- All right, we ready?
- Oh, I'm ready.

- Ready to roll.
- Let's go.

- You ready?
- Yep, I'm ready.

I am ready.

Let's go!

- Let's do it. Let's go.
- I'm ready.

Yep, this is it. Callie
Mae Carroway.

- Look at that!
- There's Nanny's resting place.

- She was a good old woman.
- Yep, she was.

And she taught me how to
cook just rollin' that dough.

- I 'member just rollin' that dough.
- That's where your cookin' skills started?

- That's it.
- Well, you wanna hear the news here?

I don't think she'll mind now.

- Your cooking is better than her cooking.
- Oh.

- I've had both.
- Right. He's had both.

You shouldn't say
this right here for her.

I'm just sayin'.

Well, I've spent more time
walkin' around in a cemetery...

than I ever thought it possible.

You know, this is a
beautiful cemetery.

Why don't we go ahead and find a
couple of—two or three plots for us?

Mmm.

You think you've
reached your destination...

but no, Io and behold, this
thing is just now beginning.

And now one
for y'all's sidekick.

- I said two or three.
- Yours truly.

Boy, we're havin' fun
now, Miss Kay. Whew.

Well, one trip is better'n two.

That's it. 'Cause the
second one is the last one.

That's it. Good thinkin', Si.

This hand right here is what's
gonna control your speed. Okay?

- Okay.
- The farther you bring it out,
faster you'll go.

- So keep it in tight.
- Keep it in the back and you'll stop.

All right. You
ready to go up top?

The last fireman challenge of
the day is the rappelling wall...

and like an idiot,
I volunteered.

- Let's do it. Whoo.
- He's nervous.

I mean, from time to
time, I may have had...

a slight, smidgen
fear of heights.

- Come on, Willie!
- I ain't doin' it!

Man up!

- Don't screw this up.
- Shut up.

- Jump!
- Jump!

Jump!

Jump!

Shut up.

But I'm pretty sure
I'm over that now.

All right. So is there
a gate or ladder?

- How do I get over?
- Yeah, right over that rail.

Crap, we're high.

Can you see the
hospital from up there?

- Actually, I can.
- Now you know where you're goin'.

Jep, shut up.

Whoa. I may throw up.

Okay.

- Don't screw this up.
- Shut up.

Maybe if we had some treats down
here for him, he'd come down faster.

- Oh!
- Uh-oh. That's it.

- Just to motivate him.
- Just lean back.

- Tell me when you don't go anymore.
- I'm just leanin' back.

Y'all sure y'all got it? Ho,
ho, ho! You sure you got it?

Just lean into it.

Here he comes.

Today was a great day.

Oh, crap.

- Doin' real good, Will.
- You sure you got me?

I got to fulfill two of
my childhood dreams.

- You're doing great.
- Shut up, Jase.

Have you wet your pants yet?

I got to be a fireman for a day.

He has a condition. Acrophobia.
It's where you're scared of heights.

Got another condition
with that wedgie.

And I got to see Willie
get the biggest wedgie...

in the history of wedgies.

Oh, crap.

Life doesn't get
much better than this.

- I can't move.
- Uh-oh.

- Is he stuck?
- I'm stuck.

Put that right
hand— - Obviously he

picked the wrong drill
to volunteer for, boys.

- We have to go get him.
- I'm stuck.

Oh! I like this spot.

Man. Look at it. It's more open.

Got beautiful water,
a big ol' shady tree.

What do you think, Phil?

- Oh, I think— - It's got a
few people, not too many.

What do you think?

- It's got— - It
even smells good.

- What do you think, Si?
- Well, I...

I like it, Si. Mmm.

Yep.

The only thing more morbid...

than walking
through a cemetery...

is looking for your own grave.

Look. There's tadpoles in there.

Somebody could come
visit us and go fishin'.

It's not on my short list.

It's great, isn't
it, Si? I like it.

Or my long one, really.

You can have a picnic here.

I doubt if they'd throw a
picnic here in a cemetery.

I love it.

But Miss Kay, she seems to
be enjoying the whole thing.

I'm, like, "Women. Go figure."

Kay, this is kind of a mini
version of Black Bayou...

where we first started.

We might end in the
same kind of spot.

'Member when I caught those
little baby frogs all the time?

I remember it. You paddled the
boat and I'd bass fish. Remember?

Yep. And I took my BB gun
and shot the turtles off the logs.

- Yep.
- I didn't hurt 'em, of course.

That's when dating was dating.

- Hey, that's it.
- It's like comin' home.

- I knew she'd pick the best spot.
- That's right.

She's the best grave spotter
in the country, right here.

- Yep, I did it.
- I believe you did.

- I'm stuck.
- Pull that right hand down...

- He's stuck. Let's film this.
- Good idea.

- I'll be, like, the reporter.
- I'm rollin'.

Testing, one, two, three.

I'm stuck.

Here we have a developing
situation. I'm Jase live.

What are you videoing
with that phone?

We've just got confirmation
that his vitals are fine.

Shut up.

There have been rumors that
he might have peed in his pants.

When I get down, I'm
gonna kick both your butts.

This is Jase signin' off.

What kinda ninja move is this?

Now you're gonna
turn towards the wall.

- There you go.
- Ho!

- Just right.
- Jep, film this.

Oh, yeah.

Don't be videoin' me.

He is in complete
control of Willie right now.

Watch your head.

- Uh-oh.
- This is awkward.

I think my firefightin'
days are over.

Of all the people to defy gravity,
never thought it'd be Willie.

And the first place
my mind is goin'...

is that maybe old Chuckles hasn't
forgiven me for that atomic wedgie.

Easy. Easy. Oh!

And to that I say,
"Well done, sir."

That's a wedgie
he'll never forget.

The atomic wedgie.

Tip of the bandana.

- Yay!
- All right!

We're so proud of you, Willie.

All right, who's next?

Look. I done got hungry
in all this excitement.

- What about you?
- Yeah, I'm hungry.

Y'all want to, we'll
go back the station...

have some barbecue
chicken and ribs.

- Willie.
- I can't move.

- Barbecue chicken and ribs
back at the fire station.
- Hang on. I'm comin'.

All right, let's pray to God.

Father, we love you. We're
grateful for another day.

We're grateful for
these men and women...

for the fire emergency services.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.

Every so often, you get
to stare death in the face...

and remember that life on
Earth doesn't last forever.

And those moments are times that
really make you appreciate what you've got.

Whether it's a sunflower
seed-spittin' sibling...

or brothers whose happiness rely
on you makin' an idiot of yourself.

Because the things
that are annoying now...

are the stories that make everybody
laugh around the dinner table later.

And even if you were the one...

who were hanging from the
business end of a five-story rope...

it still feels good
to laugh about it.

Because that's just another
one of those things to appreciate.

That and the fact that, after
all the fire, I still have my beard.

- Let me see it.
- You're gonna love that.

Delete.

- What?
- Gone.

- You just deleted that?
- He gone.