Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 3 - Hands on a Woodchipper - full transcript

All right, brother. Thank
you, man. See you.

Wow. That sounded good.

- We gotta close the deal.
- You're the closer.

Well, I think I'm gonna
go to the driving range...

and celebrate by
hittin' some golf balls.

After you meet the Mountain Man.

Why am I meeting
with Mountain Man?

You told him you'd
meet with him.

Running a successful
business sometimes

means taking meetings
you don't want to take.

- If I gotta sit through it,
you're staying here in hand as well.
- Okay. I'll stay.



That's why it's always
important to have an exit strategy.

If I squint my eyes,
that means diarrhea.

- That means you're gonna have diarrhea?
- Yes.

I've been known to play the
diarrhea card more than a few times.

- Why don't you just say,
"I'm fixin' to have diarrhea. I gotta go."
- I think it's better if you say it.

But hey, you can't
argue with success.

Korie, just validate
my diarrhea.

I guess you could say I've always
got a little diarrhea up the sleeve.

No one else can say you've got
diarrhea. You have to do it yourself.

Have you been having
diarrhea this morning?

Mmm. You passed the test.

- Oh, God. You are weird.
- That'll be the look. Don't forget that.

And just to be clear, I don't
really have diarrhea that often.

Look who I got here.



What's up, Mountain Man?
How you doin', brother?

Doin' good, Willie.
Good to see you, Willie.

All right, Mountain Man, I got stuff
I gotta do. What can I do you for?

- Willie, I got a new radio show.
- Proud of you.

Gonna try to give
away a new truck.

Great idea. Sounds good.

Actually, I'm having one of them
hands-on, hard-body contests.

Everybody puts their
hand on the truck.

Last one standing there wins.

Great idea, Mountain Man.

Well, I was kind of wondering if you would
like to make some donations for the truck.

Now don't get me wrong. I
love supporting my community.

You always want to do what you
can for the place your grew up in.

- What is this for?
- To help get the truck.

Money is no object when it comes
to old friends and good causes.

You're gonna have a contest to win
a truck, and you don't have a truck?

Not yet.

Now, is Mountain Man's
radio show a good cause?

When is this thing?

It's gonna be tomorrow, Willie.

Jury's still out on that one.

Willie, we gotta help him out.

I'm not funding stupidity.
No offense, Mountain Man.

I appreciate that.

Willie, where's your checkbook?

- Are you about to have diarrhea?
- No, I'm— No.

- You got diarrhea?
- I'm fine.

- All right, I'll give you $20.
- Willie.

Thousand bucks. You
got it and good luck to you.

I was wondering if you
could show up out there too.

It'd help get folks out there.

Oh, that's a good idea.
Of course Willie will come.

- All right.
- Korie, what the crap?

Merritt, if you rip out my hair,
it's gonna be the last thing you do.

- Be careful. Don't pull her hair.
- Ow!

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, babe.

- Y'all doin' hair?
- Do you like it?

Um— - Pretty.

That looks really...

Looks really good, babe.

I don't believe you.
I'm going to check.

- Nice try, Merritt.
- Go get 'em bub.

Go show 'em the
triangle choke, bubba.

You seem him doing the triangle
choke the other night on Lily?

About popped her head
off. It was awesome.

- I have some news.
- Mmm?

- It's really cute.
- Mmm?

Lily has her first boyfriend.

It's boyfriend— I call it "boyfriend,"
but it's really like a boy and a friend.

It's cute and
innocent. It'll be fine.

- Jep.
- You what?

- Don't be a weirdo.
- Jess, she's 11 years old.

I had my first boyfriend
when I was 11.

What's his name?

I imagined my daughters would start
dating around 30 to 35 years of age.

All they do is talk at school.

She's not even five-foot tall.
There should be a height limit.

There's no kissing. They
don't even hold hands.

Well, I hope there's no kissing.

She should be at least 5'8"
before she can go on a date.

- You're being weird.
- I'm cool. Cool as a cucumber.

So you don't mind them going
to play mini-golf tomorrow?

- Jep.
- Yes, I do mind that.

It's not a date.
It's a play date.

All I heard was "date."
I hear date, I think "no."

"My daughter's date" — No.

- Play date.
- No.

- Play date.
- No.

They're just playing mini-golf.

- I wanna be there.
- Jep...

- Yeah, we're gonna chaperone.
- You're freaking out over nothing.

- Just one little play date.
- No.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

These burritos are delicious.

That sucker was good
to the last bite, boys.

I think I put way too
much hot sauce on mine.

I told you, you can't
make it too hot, dummy.

I'm really not sure
why I agreed to do this.

- Is this it?
- This is the radio station.

I was so blinded by my desire
to stop talking to Mountain Man...

that I ended up enlisting in an
entire day of talking to Mountain Man.

Hey! What's goin' on out here?

I need to start paying more
attention to the things I'm agreeing to.

Where's the contest?

This is the contest.
It's in my backyard.

Well, where's all
the contestants?

Y'all the first ones here.

I see that.

Where's the prize?

Well, the prize now
is a wood chipper.

You bought a wood chipper?

Willie, I didn't get
enough sponsors.

- How many'd you get?
- One.

How many people did you ask?

One.

- I'm the one?
- You're the only sucker.

I announced it on my show.

- You got a radio show?
- Yeah, Si.

- Si, you've been on his radio show.
- No, I haven't.

Look here. One time he got
so mad he wet in his pants.

He threw a temper tantrum.

He was cryin' like a big
old baby with crocodile tears.

They'd know I'm sexy.

I ain't got time to mess
with no radio show.

Well, I just got a few more
things to do and hook up...

and we'll be ready to rip.

You know, Willie, that's a
pretty nice wood chipper.

That's gotta be the dumbest
purchase you've ever made.

All right, they're gonna
show up anytime now.

Nobody wants a wood
chipper, Mountain Man.

Once you've been
suckered by Mountain Man...

into being a sponsor of a
hands-on-a-hard-body contest...

it's hard to imagine
the day getting worse.

What happens if nobody shows up?

The contest is over.
That's what happens.

I would have quit while I was ahead,
but I have yet to be ahead so far.

- Well, then I'll compete.
- You can't compete, you idiot.

What are you talking
about, I can't compete?

What's the rule book say
about that, Mountain Man?

Whoever's got their
hand on it last wins.

He says that's the rule.
Si's got his hand on it.

- That's not the rule.
- What do you mean?

Mountain Man, if there's only
one contestant, what happens?

- He wins.
- That's what I'm talking about.

That thing? Hey, that's
a versatile machine.

Hey, I'm fixing to feed this
puppy classified documents.

You can use it as a paper shredder,
meat grinder, a blender, can opener...

okay, a garbage
disposal, a juicer...

and, look, them things
are big these days.

- Take your hand off this.
- Uh-uh.

Then, in wartime, okay, you
could turn it into a torture chamber.

This is my machine. I bought it.

During peacetime,
when everything's good,

okay, hey, convert it
into a Play-Doh factory.

How long before
we start this contest?

I'm about to start
the show right now.

And guess what. I'm in the
market for all those things.

Welcome to The
Mountain Man Show...

with your host, the
Mountain Man, here.

Is he kiddin' me?

Well, not as many people showed
up, but we do have a contender...

Si Robertson.

And Willie's trying
to convince Si not...

Mountain Man, start the contest.

Five— - That's what
I'm talking about.

- This is on.
- It ain't on.

Oh, yeah. It's on
like a ticking bomb.

- What happened to four, Mountain Man?
- Four...

- Hey, shut up.
- I'm warming up, boys. Ha!

Three— - Oh, yeah,
I'm warming up.

- This puppy is 'bout near mine.
- Two-second warning.

Jase, do you realize
how ridiculous this is?

Yeah.

But I wanna see Si
win your wood chipper.

- That makes two of us.
- He's not gonna win.

- Oh, yeah. That makes two of us.
- Two...

- That's not your count.
- That's what I'm talking about.

Come on, Mountain Man.

One!

In a strange turn of events...

Willie Robertson has put
his hand on the wood chipper.

You're in for a world of hurt.

This is the stupidest
thing I've ever done.

I'm gonna put so much pain on
you that you're not gonna believe it.

I'm fixin' to rain
pain on you, buddy.

- You know where the pain's gonna come?
- Where?

Whenever you gotta rain—
'cause you pee every 12 minutes.

Hey, I can hold it for hours.

Si, you've never held it
for more than 15 minutes.

Oh, no. I held it for
three days in Nam.

Three days in Nam without
goin' to the bathroom.

- That's impossible. You'd die.
- No, it ain't.

It's gonna be in my memoirs.

Gonna be in the memoir.

He's holdin' it in
and he's holdin' on.

To win this wood chipper, I'll
sit right here and pee on myself.

How about that?

Mountain Man, you
can't pee on yourself.

- Check the rule book, Mountain Man.
- There's no rule book.

Jess, it's just way too
cold to play mini-golf.

You're the one that
wanted to come out here.

Hey, where are
these people, Jess?

- They'll be here soon.
- You see that?

He's late for a date. I don't
know about this guy, Lily.

Jep, be patient.

So far everything's just great.

Let's do a rain check. And the rain
checks are good for, like, years, okay?

It's freezing cold, but no
sign of Prince Charming.

- You've been late for stuff.
- Thank you.

- You're always late.
- No, I'm not.

Yeah. Takes you four
hours to put that war paint on.

Well, I guess we'll have
to try it again next decade.

- We're gonna have
a good time, aren't we, Lil?
- Mm-hmm.

- Whoo!
- Oh, here we go.

- There they are. You be sweet.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Hey! How are y'all?

Well, he looks kind of
nerdy. That's a good sign.

Jep.

- Here you go.
- Yeah, there we go.

That is so thoughtful.

That's real thoughtful,
John Daniel.

Bringin' flowers, huh?
Nice work, Romeo.

Flowers are real original.

I can see through those glasses
and your Bieber haircut, bud.

Mr. Smooth, huh?

My daughter will not be
wooed in my presence.

John Daniel, you listen
to Mr. Robertson, okay?

That's right, buddy, 'cause
I got eyes everywhere...

Back of my head,
side of my head.

Jep.

- All right, y'all have fun.
- Okay.

We'll see y'all later, okay?

All right, let me see those. I'll take
care of those. Let's go play some golf.

I bet you $50 I'll
beat you, John Daniel.

- Jep!
- The lily flowers stink.

And we're back, folks.

Si.

Stop doin' that.

I will break you.

Did you notice the
different sounds in that?

There are different sounds.

There's no way I'm letting Si
go home with this wood chipper.

- Stop.
- No. I can't do it.

First of all, it's just
a matter of principle.

- Hey. Look into my eyes over here.
- No.

- Right here. Look into my eyes.
- No. I'm not lookin' at you.

And second of all,
it's a matter of safety.

- Hey!
- I don't wanna look at you.

Hey! Right here.
Look into my eyes.

Last thing I want is to
go over to Si's house...

and find out he's gone and
Fargo-ed himself all over his backyard.

How are you still drinkin'?

I can't believe you haven't
had to go to the bathroom yet.

Yeah, that is pretty incredible.

Hey, I work better
under pressure, boys.

- Wouldn't pressure be a detriment?
- No.

Si's defying the
laws of biology.

And physics. Okay? Both of 'em.

Si, you ain't gonna beat
me at this. It's personal.

Willie just told
Si it's personal...

and tensions are rising.

Mountain Man, are you gonna
talk like this the whole time?

Willie just asked me if I'm
gonna talk like this the whole time.

This is hilarious. I
gotta call somebody.

Jase, don't call anybody.
It's gonna be over soon.

Hey. You're not gonna
believe what's goin' on.

Get as many people
as you can out here.

All right, J.D., let's see
what you got, big man.

- Rejected.
- Jep.

This kid is like a
young rico suave.

That's a birdie. Get
you some of that, boy.

- Jep!
- Birdie time.

If this guy wasn't trying
to date my daughter...

I'd probably hang out with him.

Oh! A little hard.

There you go. Good job.

Solid quadruple bogey.

But since he is trying
to date my daughter...

I will embarrass
him in front of Lily.

Oh, wow. Good
one. Good job, babe.

Oh! Watch it.

Oh! Almost.

Whew, whew, whew!

Jep, it's mini-golf.

Top that, buddy.

All right, J.D., you got this.

Whoa! Little rock trouble.

- You don't watch a lot of golf, do you?
- Mm-mmm.

Yeah, you might wanna tune in.

And here with me is Tim Meis.

What brought you
out here today, Meis?

Was ya listening to the show?

Nah. Jase called.

Now Jase is gonna do a
little commentary on air.

This may look
like two rednecks...

standing around with their
hands on a wood chipper...

All right, Willie, how do you
feel the competition is going?

But I'm gonna tell you something—
This is something magical.

Willie's gotten a bit testy and
rude over the whole ordeal.

This is an opportunity
to embarrass Willie.

Live action, Mountain Man.
You can't beat that with a stick.

I can barely contain myself...

so I won't.

Well, here's Al on the scene.

Everyone's coming from miles
around to see this epic battle...

between these two titans.

I had to see it to believe it.

Al, don't you have
better things to do?

Mmm, not really.

Willie's actually starting to look like
he's experiencing some discomfort.

Oh, I know what that
is. I recognize that.

- What is it, Si?
- That's what you call "the tinkle dance."

All right, look. It's like when
you come in the army, okay?

You've got to break

them down first.
You've gotta break 'em.

♪ This is the tinkle dance ♪

And then you remold
'em and fashion 'em into

the fighting machine
that you want 'em to be.

He's got problems.

Well, that's what
I'm doin'. You know?

I'm not gonna fashion
Willie into a fighting machine.

I'm just into the
"breaking him down" part.

Look, I'm covering up the mike.

It ain't number
one. It's number two.

Whoa!

We have a developing situation.

Jase, don't say that
on the darn radio.

It looks like somebody's
prairie doggin'.

Willie's got a bullet
in the chamber.

Oh, Willie got a log
for the wood chipper.

He's got a bun in the oven.

I'm not sure that
works in this case.

Oh, yeah. It's burnt.

Well, it looks like Willie Robertson
is having a bathroom emergency.

- Mountain Man, shut up.
- The burrito has come back for victory.

- He's fixing to blow, boys.
- Si.

- Let her rip, hickory chip.
- This is awesome.

Top that, buddy.

Jep Robertson lines up his
six-footer to win the match.

It breaks a little,
right to the left.

Jep, I'm cold.

There was noise from the
gallery, but it didn't affect him.

He's just been destroying
this young kid named J.D.

I'm not just trying to win.

J.D. has been in tears.

I'm trying to send a message...

But Jep remains strong.

And that message is...

"Keep your grubby cootie mitts
off my daughter, poindexter."

Jep, just end this.

The gallery kept talking.

It made no difference.

♪♪

Whoo! You ever
seen Tiger do that?

- Good game.
- Good game, buddy.

After that beatin' you took,
that— That takes a lot of guts.

Golf's clearly not your game,
so what do you like to do?

- I like to hunt.
- Mmm.

Kill any big bucks lately?

Uh, 11-point.

- Eleven-point?
- That's impressive.

I've only done that
once in my lifetime.

I'm cold.

You can have my jacket.

Ohh.

See? He's not so bad.

He's a pretty cute
kid. I'll give him that.

Thank you.

- So sweet.
- All right, let's go get warm.

Come on, bud.

- Big hunter, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

- If you wanna spend time with Lily,
that's okay by me, bud.
- All right, it's a date.

It's not actually a date,
bud. It's a play date.

Willie's starting to sweat now.

Looks like the
competition's getting to him.

Either that or the burrito.

It's the burrito.

You ever get one of the grocery bags that
the store clerk forgets to double-bag...

and it's just about chock-full of
the heaviest crap you bought?

The truckers refer
to it as a "blowout."

The plastic bag is straining...

and it's fixin' to
disintegrate in your hands.

And I think we got
one on the way.

Yeah, that bag? That's
my stomach right now.

I'd say there'll be a
blowout around this joint.

But I will poop my
pants before I lose to Si.

Balooey!

I might have to poop my pants.

Hey, we brought food.

I don't think Willie
needs any of that.

- I ain't thinkin' about eating right now.
- What are you doin'?

- This is about what we been doing.
- Just standing here.

Where's all the
other contestants?

- Oh, you're lookin' at 'em.
- We're it.

Are you sweating?

- Huh? Am I?
- Why are you sweating?

- It's hot out here.
- Do you need to go to the bathroom?

You're doing the squint thing.

Mountain Man, can
Willie have a potty break?

Korie, don't say potty break.

You can go to the bathroom.
You just can't go to the bathroom.

The troops are
mounting, my friends.

The blowout is near, boys.

Yo, look, if you was doing
this in an algebra equation...

The torpedoes are
getting launched.

Gross!

It would be burrito plus Willie's stomach,
okay, equals free wood chipper for Si.

Oh, my God.

It's simple mathematics.

- We really didn't need a wood chipper.
- Who does?

- Let Si have the wood chipper.
- No.

Let me have the wood chipper.

- This is kind of ridiculous.
- This is ridiculous.

- Babe, come on.
- Yeah, come on, babe.

- Give it up.
- Shut up.

How long are you gonna wait?

I will never take my
hands off this wood chipper.

- Willie.
- Oh!

That's it. I win.

Si is the winner of the wood
chipper. Willie crapped out.

When I get back,
this is under protest.

We have a winner.

Nice catch, Willie.

I think that was the most
compassionate thing to do.

All right, let's eat.

All right, look here. Y'all bow and
I'll ask the Almighty to bless this food.

Father, we thank
you for this day.

We acknowledge you as the
creator and ruler of the cosmos...

and we put our hope and
trust in Jesus, your son...

and it's in his name that
I ask this prayer. Amen.

Amen.

Learning to let go is

one of the hardest
lessons to learn in life—

Whether it's letting go of being the most
important man in your daughter's life...

of letting go of good money
Mountain Man blew on a wood chipper.

The only way we make
room for new experiences...

is by giving in to changes we
may not be all that comfortable with.

Sometimes the things you never
thought were gonna be great...

turn out to be the
best surprises of all—

Unlike the surprise I left in
Mountain Man's bathroom.

I need some disinfectant
in the bathroom.