Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 2 - Quack and Gown - full transcript

Godwin, what does
this sound like to you?

Price is Right. ♪♪

No.

It's a chicken.

You guys got that...

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.

- Why is the door open?
- Si ate chicken this mornin'.

Yeah, and I been tryin' to
lay an egg ever since. Hey.

So, Jase, what's up with this
little spat with the ol' missus?



How'd you find out about that?

I found out about it. I wasn't gonna
say anything, 'cause I'm a good brother.

I think everybody
knows about it.

All I said was that Reed didn't
have to go to his graduation.

- That's terrible advice.
- I agree. He's worked hard.

Jase, you gotta
go to graduation.

- You gotta go to graduation.
- Everybody goes to graduation.

- Graduation's important.
- I don't conform to the norms of society.

Like Cheers.

Norm?

Norm!

Look, I didn't go to my
high school graduation.

But I still graduated.

I went frog-huntin'
on graduation night...



and it was the most frogs
I've ever caught in one night.

Wearin' this gown
and a little silly hat?

That just doesn't seem to be a
proper welcome to adulthood.

- You caught how many frogs?
- 155.

A frog hunt is a
perfect way to celebrate.

What else we got?

That's what I need to do for
Reed. Take him frog-hunting.

But Missy's against it.

I'm not talkin' about tomorrow during
graduation. I'm talking about tonight.

That way, everybody wins.

- Sounds good to me. I'm in.
- Let's go kidnap the kid.

Well, not kidnap, but just...

- We're not kidnappin' him.
- Yeah.

Let's just throw a bag over the kid's
head, okay, and then take him frog hunting.

- Look. Then you— - Then once
we get out there on the lake...

hey, we'll take the
bag off his head.

- This is— - Maybe.

I'm always for a
good kidnappin'.

- I wouldn't say that out loud.
- What you talkin' 'bout?

We're not gonna take
him against his own will.

Unless he doesn't wanna go.

I.e., kidnap.

- Jep, you wanna go?
- I'm goin' to Mom's.

Plus, you always throw me in
the water when we go frog huntin'.

Or tie him to a tree.

- That's part of the fun.
- That's not fun to me.

Oh, no. That's a good
part of kidnappin'...

is throwin' you to the
water or tyin' you to a tree.

So it is. Let's go kidnap him.

Have you picked
out your clothes yet?

Yeah, they're on my bed.

Reed, your room is so bad, I
can't even tell where your bed is.

You're not gone yet. You're livin' here,
you're gonna clean that room up. Got it?

Reed! Get your boots
on. We're goin' frog huntin'.

- What?
- Sweet.

Reed, sit. He has graduation.
He's not goin' anywhere.

Reed, get your boots on, Son.

- No. Do not move.
- Reed.

- Jase. No, sit.
- Get your boots on.

Nobody else move
and no one gets hurt.

Si.

- This is a kidnappin'.
- What?

I'm tryin' to take my son on somethin'
he'll remember for the rest of his life.

- Si, nobody's gettin' hurt.
- That's right, as long as nobody moves.

And Si is makin' this seem
worse than it actually is.

- What is that?
- It's a bag.

Kidnappin' always calls
for a bag over the head.

No. No!

Si, we're off the kidnappin'.

What do you mean, we're off the—
That's the only reason I showed up.

Missy's already a little
nervous about this. Now

the fact that Si is
viewing it as a kidnappin'...

- Why did you invite him?
- If I didn't show up,
nobody would have the bag.

He's makin' it seem like
whatever we're fixin' to do is wrong!

So, am I goin'?

- Yeah, is the kid goin' or not?
- It's a compromise.

I have him tonight frog huntin',
you have him for graduation.

- Will you come?
- Yes!

- Hey.
- All right.

You can go frog huntin'...

as long as you have him back
in time, have him dressed...

He's a grown man.
"Have him dressed"?

And he's not too tired.

If he doesn't get dressed,
he will stand out at graduation.

And that's a graduation
the school will never forget.

- Go get your boots on.
- All right. Cool.

- Hey, put this on while you're at it.
- Si.

He doesn't need the
bag on his— He's going.

Hey, look. You
boys ruin everything.

Can't even have
a good kidnapping.

You know, Reed is gonna
love this photo album.

He is. 'Cause no one prints pictures
anymore. They're all on our phones.

Well, there's a reason for that.
'Cause you have evidence of this.

- Exhibit A.
- Oh, Jep. Good grief.

Nice hair, Kay.

Look at this one of Phil.

You know, Reed and him
are built exactly the same.

I can't believe my first
grandson graduatin'.

Seemed like yesterday Reed
was in the hospital bein' born.

- Oh.
- Yeah. And then he went on a safari.

Oh. That's so cute.

Lookin' at old photos is one
of my favorite things to do.

Oh, my goodness.
Look at this one.

- Has he changed or what?
- Let me see that.

That's why I want to make this
photo album for Reed's graduation.

Are you serious?

That way he can take his
family with him to college.

Totally different person.

Uh, the wall is green now.

That's true. Yeah. You painted.

I mean, who wouldn't want to take
their whole family with 'em to college?

Look at this one of Willie.

He looks like such a dork.

- What?
- Yeah.

I thought he's just lookin'
tough. He looks cute.

He looks like he's
up to somethin'.

He was always doin'
pranks. He loved to,

like, put people's
underwear in the freezer.

- What?
- Yeah.

I know. He's done that.

But Willie loved rolling houses.
It was, like, his favorite prank.

He was good. I
remember rolling with him.

It's not really that
complicated, is it?

- You've never done it?
- No! It looked boring.

You're just throwin' toilet
paper at trees and bushes.

Sound like wasting
good toilet paper to me.

- You've never rolled a house?
- No. And you have?

Of course.

If you started out like me, wipin'
your tail with sticks and leaves...

and Sears and
Roebuck catalogs...

you'd appreciate toilet paper.

Always comes back
to the sticks and leaves.

Quilted Northern.

- It sounds like such a mess.
- Oh, it's a mess all right.

- I say we do it.
- Seriously.

- Let's do it tonight.
- Jep.

We could roll Jase and Missy's.

- Yes.
- What?

Jase is goin'
froggin', so it's perfect.

There's a few important rules to
know when you're rollin' a house.

First one, know your enemy.

Missy will be the only one
there. She goes to bed really early.

Second, you have to
have a rock solid team.

You're only as strong
as your weakest link.

Hey, I'll make snacks.

Mom, we don't need
snacks to go rollin'.

I'll make some extra
cookies for Jase and Missy.

Rule number two, really important.
'Cause without rule number two...

you might break rule number
three, which is "don't get pinched."

Mom, we can't make cookies for Jase
and Missy when we're rollin' their house.

That's leavin' evidence
at the scene of a crime.

You know, maybe the first rule should
be, "Don't go rollin' with your mom."

I'm so excited!

- So what's the plan?
- Oh, we're goin' rollin'.

Make me some rolls too.

- I do make good rolls.
- Mm-hmm.

- Y'all ready for this?
- I feel like a teenager again.

I know. I'm so excited.

I'm really scared we're
gonna get in trouble.

Rollin' a house,
that's five to 10.

- No. You can't go to jail for this.
- It's hard time.

- I'll tuck the kids in for you, Jess.
- Stop.

What are we gonna do if we do
get caught? What if the cops pull up?

- We gotta run if we get in trouble.
- I can't run. Are you kidding?

Kay, you better be able to run.

All my bodily functions'll
go off at one time.

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

I feel adrenaline
comin' from somewhere.

- I'm scared where it's comin' from.
- I hope it's not your bowels.

- Me too.
- Oh, no.

- Cause they can be loose.
- Oh, no.

Shh. Gotta start
gettin' quiet now.

- Jep, why are we stoppin' here?
- Jess, we gotta sneak up.

I think we should have
camouflaged the truck.

- I kinda have to pee now.
- Just hold it.

Can't help it. When I
get nervous, I have to go.

- Now I'm kind of having to go.
- Aw, crap.

We're gonna get
caught. I just know it.

Relax, square.

- Hey, Reed, what's your major?
- I don't know.

- He don't need to worry about no major.
- Yeah, you do, Si.

That's usually the first question you
ask when someone's goin' to college.

Look. Hey. Here's the
advice for college. Look.

If it doesn't work
out, just quit.

Si! I've been tryin' to tell the
boy you don't quit in anything.

Sometimes things
just don't work out.

You're tellin' him, "If it don't work
out, quit." He hasn't even started!

- Hey. There you go.
- Let's get outta here.

- Let's go, Reed. Push the boat off.
- Oh.

Look. Young and strong.
Uh-oh. Gotta untie the boat.

The line. Watch the
line, boy. Watch the line.

Oh!

- All right.
- You gotta untie it, boy.

Taking Reed frog hunting is not just
about the celebration of his graduation.

I'm usin' this moment in his life to
try and impart some fatherly advice.

All right, Reed. Here's
the first rule in life.

Unless you untie the knot,
you're not goin' anywhere.

Reed's a bright kid.

But there's still a few things that
he needs to learn about bein' a man.

You told me to
push the boat off.

Look. Second rule is,
"Question everything."

And what better way to do it than
surrounded by your family in the outdoors?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- That is a frog right there.
- It's a snake.

It's a snake,
eating— - Holy crap.

- He's eating a frog.
- No, he's eating a fish.

I just got a little nervous
about this whole thing.

There's a lesson
in here somewhere.

The lesson to be
learned there, Reed...

is always make sure you
got somethin' good to eat.

What?

Jase and I have had our differences and
disagreements on just about everything.

And parenting is no exception.

Hot dogs is where
it's at in college.

What are you talkin' about?

I mean, he spent most of the
night creating advice out of nothing.

No, here's what you do, Reed.

You buy you a big ice chest. Go
kill you a deer, put it in the ice chest.

You eat him till he's gone.

The kid needs practical advice,
not lessons on lookin' like a psycho.

You put the deer in the ice chest.
Nobody will ever suspect a thing.

Hey.

♪♪

"Hello, Mother."

Look, right here.

- See him right there?
- Yeah. I'm gonna get the one on the left.

- Look. Uh-oh!
- Oh. He's movin'. He's movin'.

- Oh, crap.
- You better move, son.

- Hey, don't panic.
- Get him, Jase!

One, two, three.

Get him. That's
what I'm talkin' about!

- Ooh, yeah.
- Whoo!

And that's how you do it.

Reed, hand me that frog. I want to
teach you a lesson about that. See?

Now it's time for
"lessons with Jase."

It sure is.

Our kids are bombarded with
all this information and advice.

And a lot of the advice
that they're gettin' is terrible!

When you find somethin'
that brings you a lot of joy...

- Oh, brother.
- You got to hold tight.

"People in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones"?

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

'Cause really it's all
about relationships.

Pick the rocks up and
start breakin' the windows.

It'll be the most fun
you've ever had in your life.

Me and this frog, we're
gonna go till death do us part.

Are you talkin' about marriage?

- You talkin' about marryin' frogs here?
- No, I'm not talkin' about marryin' frogs.

So what are you tryin' to say?

My point is...

What was my point?

- None of us knew your point to start with.
- Nobody knows.

My point was... you need
to do what you love to do.

I love cheese.

If you can figure out a
way to make a livin' doin' it...

- then you'll always be happy.
- Got it.

Reed, you know actually
what you need to do?

Buy those wieners with
cheese already in 'em.

Yeah. 'Cause you cut
your costs that way.

- I'm tryin' to give my son some wisdom.
- That's what we're doin'.

- We're givin' him tons of wisdom.
- What?

Cheesy wienies? Shoot.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Mm-hmm.

- We gotta make this look awesome.
- Okay.

- Y'all ready?
- I'm just a little nervous.

- You gotta walk in the shadows.
- I'm old. I can't see.

Here. Let's put one in here.

You're checkin' the mail?
Why are you checkin' the mail?

I put toilet paper in there.

Shh!

I'm gonna go back by the hedge.

- Okay. I'm gonna get a big tree.
- Oh, lordy, I'm gettin' nervous.

All right, look. We've got the fountain.
I say that's the centerpiece of the yard.

Start on that first.

- Oh-oh.
- Oh, God.

I thought you said
you were a pro at this.

Do better, Korie.

- This is heavy.
- Mom?

- What?
- What are you doin'?

I'm tryin' to put up
some nice, pretty...

It's not about bein' nice.

I'm gonna make
it look like a quilt.

We're not makin' quilts, Mom.

- Well, maybe a pie crust then.
- I like your pies, Kay.

This is startin' off bad.

Rollin' Jase and Missy's house, probably
a little over-ambitious for this team.

Y'all, I'm stuck in the shrubs.

Oh, crap.

It's no surprise my mom
is havin' some problems.

I think I've been pierced.

And I figured Jess would
have some issues too.

All right. How am I doin', guys?

- Not so good.
- Jep!

But Korie?

That was an accident. I'm sorry.

- She's supposed to have done this before.
- Uh-oh.

Ooh!

Oh! Oh, God.

That one got away from me.

- Uh-oh. Heads up.
- Oh, my gosh. I mean...

I haven't done this
since I was, like, 16.

It's like dodgin' bombs.

Oh, God.

Well, it's beautiful when
you throw it, though.

I think I'm dealin' with a few newbs
here. And it's embarrassing, is what it is.

Yeah. Good job.

Yes! Nice. Nice throw.

Shoot!

- Missy's up.
- Run!

Stump mode.

I'm runnin' in heels!

That was awesome!

- Where's Kay?
- Oh, no. We left Kay.

- She's all right.
- You think she can see us here?

Mom, are you still over there?

I'm makin' like a stump.

- Come over here!
- I can't get up.

I'm comin'. Come on, stumpy.

No. Don't do it like
that. That doesn't work.

Oh, my back.

Okay. Whoo.

- Run.
- I told you what happens when I run.

- I'm about to pee in my pants.
- Come on, Miss Kay. Hurry.

Come on.

I really might pee in my pants.

Well, now that wasn't a bad way
to celebrate a life achievement...

- You graduating high school.
- Man, I'm starving to death.

- Hey, that makes two of us.
- All that talkin' about food.

I want a big bologna sandwich.

Or... a big stack of flapjacks.

- How about some hot doughnuts?
- Now we're talkin'.

Reed, go get the
truck. We'll line it out.

All right.

Si, you wanna go help
Reed get the truck?

No. He can handle it himself.

Si, why don't you go
help Reed get the truck?

All right, now it's pretty obvious
that Jase called this whole trip...

because he's havin' a
hard time lettin' Reed go.

Hey, that boy don't need no
help. What's wrong with you?

Nothin's wrong with me.

And it's been a while, but I think Jase
and I are due for a little heart-to-heart.

You got somethin'
wrong with your neck?

Knowin' Jase,
that won't be easy.

What are you doin'?

Maybe I need to have a
conversation with Jase.

- Oh. You actually want me to leave?
- Yes.

Why didn't you say
that to begin with then?

Getting Si to take a hint,
I think that's even harder.

- What are y'all arguin' about?
- Hey. I don't know.

- Si is bein' an idiot.
- Good grief.

Jase, I think I know
what this is all about.

What what's about?

This whole frog-grabbin',
stayin' up all night with Reed...

What are you talkin' about?
I'll tell you what this is about.

That's what it's about.
We got at least 20 frogs.

Yup. We caught
a lot of frogs, but...

You don't want your son to leave
home, and so you set all this up.

What are you, Dr. Willie now?

Willie's tryin' to
play psychiatrist.

You've got a big problem
with your son leaving.

That's just the pain talking.

His only psychiatric
experience is self-prescribing

cheesy wienies as
an antidepressant.

You gotta admit, cheesy
wienies are awesome.

- I don't even know what that is.
- It's wienies infused with cheese.

- It's brilliant.
- How about do me a favor...

and shut your yapper.

I'm the dad here.

Come here.

- Gimme a hug.
- No.

- Come on!
- No.

You need a meal and some sleep.

- Jase, I feel your pain, Brother.
- Shut up!

- Look at this.
- Come on. Come on.

Dadgum it.

Oh, my goodness.

Babe? What seems
to be the problem?

Look at this.

We got rolled.

Looks like somebody
had a blowout.

This is a terrible rollin' job.

Good waste of toilet
tissue. I know that.

- Very amateur.
- Yup. Yup. It was amateurs.

Probably some of Reed's friends.

Y'all are both wrong.
Start with your wife.

Korie did this?

Well, this isn't the first time
that my house has been rolled.

Korie, Jep and
Jessica... and... Miss Kay.

No!

But it is the first time that it's
been hit by my mother-in-law.

Why would you think it was her?

'Cause I caught 'em.

Which is about
as weird as it gets.

- So you heard 'em?
- I heard 'em.

They were laughin'
and hollerin'.

I'm just glad it wasn't Willie
out there. It could've been worse.

I can't believe they rolled a
house without gettin' me involved.

- Willie!
- I'm the king of rollin' houses!

You gotta throw
it over the roof.

You gotta have it over
streamin' all the way over.

The fountain should be bubbling
right now with dish washing liquid.

This is just totally
not done right.

Can't believe I spent all
night with Si and Jase...

and I could've been
here rollin' this house.

We were doin'
somethin' that's perhaps a

life-changin' moment
for the better for Reed.

Yeah, I definitely had
a great time frog-huntin'.

- Really?
- See?

I think the trip couldn't
have been better.

I'm kind of excited about goin'
to the ceremony now, Missy.

Really?

I got to share some life
lessons with my son Reed...

that he'll probably
never forget.

All right. Y'all are
helpin' me clean this up.

I got to, uh, get ready for
graduation. Can't really...

And despite how it looked...

I'm gonna take a shower so
we can go to the ceremony.

Thank you.

I'm actually glad
Willie came along.

Take a shower, son. You stink.

You smell like a bloated fish.

I don't know about the cheesy wienie
nonsense, but he did seem sincere.

Reed, see? It all worked out.

And as for Reed, I've
got three more months...

to line up as many
frog hunts as possible...

before he goes off to college.

Just maybe without Si.

All right. I'm gonna get me some of
this toilet tissue. In case of emergency.

Si, it's used toilet paper.

This here has just
been "gently used."

Si, you've been roughly used.

No. I done struck
gold here, boys.

Wow, these 18
years have flown by.

I can't believe this is
it. This is the moment.

My little boy is now a man.

Reed Silas Robertson.

Watchin' him graduate is a memory
that I'll have for the rest of my life.

We just pray as parents that
we've taught him how to live right.

It's up to them now.

Yeah.

One, two, three—Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Lookin' mighty froggy.

My favorite.

All right. Let's pray.

Father, we love you. We're so grateful on
this night to celebrate Reed's graduation.

We pray that you
give him wisdom.

We pray that he can
make good decisions...

to have a positive
impact on our world.

- Amen.
- Amen.

As parents, it's easy to think we
know everything about growing up.

But let's face it. We were
all young and immature once.

Hey. You ever seen a
frog doin' a tap-dance?

Each one of us had
a unique childhood...

that helped mold us into
the adults we are today.

And naturally, as parents, we want to share
those experiences with our growing kids.

In any case, it's important to
remember that growing up...

doesn't stop when
you become an adult...

as demonstrated by my 60-somethin'-year-old
mother rollin' my brother's house.

Kay, I heard you was
a little busy last night.

I don't know what
you're talkin' about.