Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Big LeCOWsk - full transcript

There was a big storm that
day, okay, and the power was out.

So, hey, all day long
I cut reeds in the dark.

You cannot cut them
in the piss-black dark.

My other senses took over.

- Oh, here we go.
- They was the best reeds I ever made.

Uh-oh.

What are y'all doing?

What we always do, work.

- What are you doing here?
- It's job-shadowing day.

She's got a little
economics class...

and so she's coming
to see the big cheese.



- You got that right— big.
- Big kahuna.

Sadie is following me
around for job-shadowing day.

It's a little thing they do at school
to prepare kids for the outside world.

Big dog. Write
that down— big dog.

Not to toot my own horn...

but I cast one of the
biggest shadows in Louisiana.

Generally, a shadow is
bigger than the person, though.

- That's kind of a weird shadow.
- Yeah, that's an odd one.

I'm talking about a business
shadow, not because I'm fat.

- She's writing a letter.
- She's taking notes.

Sadie, this is the
heart of the operation.

The heart? Maybe more like
the bowels of the operation.

The bowels are very important.

I'm not saying
you're not important.



- Don't underestimate the bowels.
- That's where all the poop goes, so...

- Write that down. That's a good joke.
- Got it.

Well, we're gonna keep
moseying around and shadowing.

You ought to let her stay in here, and
we'll teach her how to build a duck call.

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad
idea. Watch, learn how to make a duck call.

That's it. You're in
the captain's chair.

- Keep an eye on 'em.
- You got it.

Bowels. That's a good joke.

The greatest thing
about your job...

is learning to have
fun and enjoy it.

The duck call
room is actually...

a combination of science,
innovation and art...

all coming together.

In this duck call shop
we're about two things:

creativity...

- and then we explore Si's brain.
- Nice.

We are like a redneck NASA...

complete with a
bearded mad scientist.

I have "extry" senses.

Extry senses.

- I'm like a bat.
- Batman.

We are boldly going...

where no redneck
has gone before.

Let's see what you got, Batman.

- What are you talkin' about?
- Show us some of your moves.

You mean the old— Kaboom! Kapow!

Punch! Kazam! Kick!

Slap! Pow! Bam! Kaboom!

Pow!

So this is what
you guys do all day?

- Pretty much.
- Pretty much.

Nice.

Kapow!

Write that down.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Ready? That's it.

Blake Griffin, boys— Ah.

It's fun working here.

- Ooh!
- Alley-oop!

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

- Uh-oh.
- Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

We're getting in touch
with our creativity.

She's been learning
all kinds of stuff from us.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Leaving Sadie with the guys provided
the perfect learning opportunity.

- Where's your notepad?
- It's in the duck call room.

'Cause in business
it's important to know...

what not to do as much
as it is to know what to do.

Did I say that right?

Jase, you're not supposed
to be playing basketball.

- Sadie can shoot.
- And she made how many duck calls?

- Like 10.
- You made some duck calls?

There's actions you take that put you
on the upward path to being a C.E.O.

She's way better than Jep.

♪♪ ♪ Fire Jep ♪

What?

And then the actions you take
that keep you on the steady path of...

Pow! Punch!

Kick!

He's being Batman today.

Right.

I don't even know what you call that
path, but it doesn't really go anywhere.

Physical activity gets
your creative process going.

Physical activity
is good for people.

It's great when you're through
working, not while you're working.

This is where all our
cool inventions come from.

What's the last time
you invented something?

- If you get a kit— - Oh, boy.

Have you a voice-analysis
duck call kit...

For a business to thrive, you've
gotta be open-minded to new ideas.

I've heard that one 20 times.

It's still as stupid as
the first time I heard it.

- That's not stupid.
- Yeah, that's stupid.

Willie doesn't seem to get
that, and Sadie needs to learn it.

Duck call F.B.I. kit.

- It's a terrible idea.
- All great inventions come from an idea...

that someone thinks is terrible.

- You know how stupid that sounds?
- That's why they didn't think of it.

I am the C.O.O.
of this company...

and it's my job to keep this
company up-to-date and relevant.

- What about the mirror blind?
- It's dumb.

What about the
picture of corn...

and the ducks say, "There's
corn," and they come down.

- Jase.
- It's a picture. It's not corn.

Doesn't work.

What can I say? I'm an idea man.

What about the cow blind?

Oh, good grief, the
worst of all of 'em.

- What's a cow blind?
- You wanna see it?

- Sure.
- No.

- No.
- I've had some great inventions.

This is the greatest.

It's stupid.

♪ Fire Jep ♪

Oh, he got you.

Tag.

Boy, they have a lot of energy.

Yeah, they get that from Jess.

But their athletic
ability, that's all me.

What?

But I'm the one that made you.
You sure it didn't come from me?

Well, it could've came from Mom.

I could go to sleep if
everybody wasn't here...

but they are.

She's athletic, all right.

In the wild you've got the
old survival of the fittest.

The same thing happens when
you mix two sets of gene pools.

Are they into sports, Jep?

No, not really.

Athleticism, marksmanship.

That's the old
Robertson gene pool.

They do love animals right now.

I like sheep. I raised two.

- I love animals when they look like this.
- Phil.

Miss Kay's side of the gene
pool— She has a lock on softness.

My buddy's got a little petting zoo
we bring them to every now and again.

- They love it.
- They do?

I like sheep.

It looks like the gene pool...

has sort of leaned toward
the kinder, gentler side.

- Y'all wanna see some animals today?
- Yeah!

- What kind of animals are they?
- They got goats and all kind of stuff.

Papaw Phil, do you wanna come?

Yeah, Papaw Phil,
you can come with us.

- Aw, you should.
- How do you say no to that?

- Maybe next time.
- Phil.

Papaw Phil, come with us.

How can you say no
to these two cute faces?

No.

- That's a yes.
- Huh?

Yay!

What just happened now?

Last time I saw,
it was back here...

where we were doing
those other prototypes.

Move that for me, Martin.

♪♪

Holy cow head, Robin. Kapow!

I give you the cow blind.

Sadie's job-shadowing day...

is starting to turn into
Jase-shadowing day.

- It's cute.
- I can't say it's not my fault.

I thought it'd be a good
learning opportunity for her...

to be motivated
to not be like Jase.

This is obviously the head.

Obviously. He looks
like he's smiling.

Hey, he looks like
he's hiding a secret.

I gotta admit this confirms
that this is a dumb idea.

No, this is a good idea.

- Cow-ouflage.
- Cow-ouflage.

You are now a cow.

Jase, Si's support of your idea
means that it's probably a bad one.

No.

I will bet you double my
paycheck that I will paint this cow...

take it down to that lake
where there's no brush...

and shoot a limit of doves.

Fine. We'll see.

- Oh, this is gonna be good.
- This is utterly stupid.

Udder-ly.

Sadie, write that down. Come
on. Let's go. Let's go work.

That ain't a good one.
Don't write that down.

I'm fixed to humble your dad.

- Sadie, come on. You got stuff to write.
- I'm gonna stay and help.

Pow! Yeah. All right.

Let's paint this puppy.

Udder-ly. That's a good joke.

Tell your accountant I'm
gonna need a couple of checks.

- Look at me, boys.
- I'm a cow.

All right, kids, we're
here. Come on.

I'm jumping up
and down over this.

Being an awesome dad isn't easy.

It takes a ton of sacrifice. You have
to do a lot of stuff you don't wanna do.

- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, Jep. How are you doing?

It's been a while.
Good to see you.

It's not about what you want. It's all
about what makes your kids happy.

- I'm fired up, Tony. Fired up.
- Great.

- All right.
- I like it just as much as the kids.

Yeah. Wow. Uh...

I'm pumped. Are you excited?

Those Father of the Year
trophies, they don't win themselves.

I got, like, three of
'em. Totally awesome.

Look at that goat.

It's like a little mini
Godwin. Pet him, bub.

- You can pet him.
- Dad, you wanna pet the animals?

No. I don't think I'm
into petting animals.

- Uh-oh.
- And that's it.

Watch out, bub. Don't
stand in the poop, kids.

When we used to be kids,
you know what we did?

We'd wait till that
dried out a little bit...

and we'd have wars with
'em, throw 'em at each other.

- That's just gross, Dad.
- That was our idea of sports.

When Si and I were kids, there was
not a whole lot of money lying around.

Missiles are coming out of
the rear end of these animals...

that can provide a lot of
opportunity for your children.

That is the weirdest thing
I've ever heard anybody say.

Hey.

Everything we played
with were either sticks...

made to look like
guns or whatever...

Rags bundled up.
That was your ball.

Excrement from cows. That
was our version of a Frisbee.

Hog poop was kind of ideal because
it'd be about that long and round.

That's gross, Dad.

You don't want it
too dry. It's too light.

Wait till it's just soft in the
middle, hard on the outside.

Chup! Hit a man upside the
head. Poom! Down he'd go.

You talk about ultimate Frisbee.

Can't beat it.

We never tried sheep dung.

- Scattergun effect there, Jep.
- Yeah.

Anyway. So, Tony, your
girls, they still rodeoing?

Yeah. My little one's nine.
She's got into mutton-bustin' now.

I done a little
mutton-bustin' with that old

.444 Marlin of mine.
You know what I'm sayin'?

- Uh-huh.
- The head looks like a canoe
when you hit it.

- We don't shoot these.
- Say what?

The kids ride the sheep.
It's called mutton-bustin'.

- Your kids wanna ride the sheep?
- Is that dangerous, Tony?

We got helmets and
gear and everything.

- It's really safe.
- Helmets?

I think I'm gonna call Jessica
and ask, just to make sure.

You're really gonna
ask for permission?

When it comes to choices, you have
mom decisions, you have dad decisions.

Just wanna call her. She'd love
to see this. This'd be awesome.

Hey, babe, I need to
run something by you.

"Do you have enough
shells?" Father decision.

"Do you recommend what
kind of mittens I need to wear?"

That's a mama's decision.

All right. She'll be
here in a minute.

This is a father's decision, and
Jep's turned it into a mother's decision.

There's the rub.

- Y'all wanna ride the sheep?
- Yeah!

I'm like a bat.

Get this eye on here.

Lookee there.

Watch him, boys.
He's lookin' at you.

He's a little bit cross-eyed. But,
you know, in this part of the country...

He looks surprised to me.

I'm at a loss for words.

The only thing I can think
of is mad cow disease.

I've met a lot of
cows in my life, okay...

and most of them had
anger management issues.

Look at that thing. Crazy eyes.

You're in a pen with a bunch
of smelly idiots all around you.

Kids sneaking up on you,
tipping you over all the time.

You're afraid to go to
sleep, afraid to be awake.

One time you're lookin'
over. Old Joe's over there.

The next time you
look, he's gone. Uh-oh.

You got people disappearing
around you all the time.

The last thing you'd wanna
be is walking at night...

- And see that.
- Yah!

Conditions like that,
that'd drive anybody insane.

Hey, they're not mad,
okay. These cows are crazy.

Hey. Hah.

- What do you think there now?
- Well, well, well.

Looks like we made the
funny papers with this thing.

That's the weirdest-looking cow
I think I've ever seen in my life.

Look at its eyes.

- You can't trust cows.
- Congratulations.

You showed Sadie how
to do something stupid.

Actually, Dad, I kind of
do wanna see if it works.

Well spoken, Sadie.

All right. Well, I can tell
you right now it's stupid...

but if you wanna go
for your project, we'll go.

- Thank you.
- Y'all load it up.

Bring your paycheck.

I'm gonna bring some shells.

- There we go.
- Priscilla, you look so cute.

- 'Cill, you ready?
- Yeah.

Let's do it.

A day that started
at the petting zoo has

now become a day Priscilla
will remember forever...

A day old dad here gave
his daughter some courage...

to look fear in the eye.

Hold on tight, 'Cill.

- You got it, baby girl.
- Ready?

Man, I'm an awesome
dad. I'm just sayin'.

- You got it, baby. You got this.
- Hold on tight.

- Hold on, 'Cill.
- You got it!

Hold on, 'Cill!

Hold on! Whoo!

Uh—Wha...

Great.

- All right.
- Merritt, you think you can beat her time?

If I gotta be here all day, might
as well make a competition out of it.

- What do you think?
- Friendly competition.

Nope, regular competition.

Well, the way life is, you
got winners, you got losers.

But these days
everybody's so worried...

about everybody's
feelings, you know.

These days they're
giving everybody trophies...

just 'cause you were
alive and you were there.

Gotta be a winner and a loser.

Merritt, you a
winner or a loser?

Think of the Olympic Games
where everybody's a winner.

Give 'em all a gold medal. They
won it. Everybody got the gold.

If you win, you got a
crisp five-dollar bill comin'.

- Now we're payin' money.
- You lose some, you win some.

Suck it up. Life goes on.

- Eight seconds. Get after it.
- Just do your best, babe. Come on.

- One, two, three.
- Hold on, baby.

All right, Merritt.

Here we go. Coming
out of chute number two.

Come on!

Come on, Merritt! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo! What a ride.

- She was holdin' on, wasn't she?
- For dear life. That was good.

Now, that is a Robertson.

You start throwing cow
dung, and you'll be one of us.

That's where we draw the line.

- You are both winners.
- Everybody's a winner.

No, Merritt won it, hands down.

I got a great dinner
for all the winners.

- Come on, y'all. Come on.
- Oh, yeah.

Not everybody won
the doggone thing.

We're all winners.

Not everybody.

I think this'll
work— right here.

Oh, will it work? Good night.

Look, I'm not braggin', but I have
a few masterpieces under my belt.

I have the gadwall call, the first
triple-reeded mallard hen call...

the world's largest
functional duck call.

I have my children. Maybe I
should give Missy some credit there.

I have this beard.

But never has there ever been
a better idea than the cow blind.

Willie scared off all the ducks.

- Look at him.
- Hey.

- You just scared off our first duck.
- Oh, bull crap.

Sadie, what you're
witnessing here...

is innovation in action.

You need to write that down.

- Didn't bring my stuff with me.
- Well, write it down...

- Just let it go right through your head.
- You're witnessing history.

- I hope you can appreciate it.
- Where's Si and Godwin?

Moo!

Oh, right.

You didn't even know
we was here. Hey.

Cow-ouflage.

I look like Mr. Wilson
in this thing.

Sadie, you're gonna
wanna write this down!

Don't write that crap down.

I hope wasting the entire
day testing this piece of crap...

doesn't ruin Sadie's
job-shadowing day.

I still need to teach her how to
actually be successful at some point.

- Godwin, did you cut wind?
- Nope.

- Smells like it.
- Uh-oh.

But seeing as we drove so
far, might as well enjoy the show.

I think the flight lane
is that point right there.

Yep. We get to the point,
and we can cut 'em off.

Everybody has a handle.

- I'm glad I'm on the
front end of this thing.

- One, two, three.
- No, that ain't bad.

They just think we're a cow.

Have y'all ever seen a
cow walk backwards?

We gotta turn. This
ain't gonna be natural.

- No, ain't no turnin'. Keep goin'.
- Keep goin'.

- We ain't got no room.
- Cows don't walk backwards.

This one is.

Left, right, left,
right, left, right, left...

Oh, yeah. This is gonna work.

Ow! Get off my feet.

Set it down. Set it
down. Set it down.

Dad, when do you know
an idea's a bad idea?

Pretty much when four
grown men are sitting in a cow.

- Shh! Four— Four right there.
- Here they come.

- Left to right. Ready?
- Yeah.

Kill 'em.

- Kaboom!
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's four for the pot
and one for each of us.

I'm usually not one to gloat...

Tell me the cow won't work.

But in this case—
Oh, I was right.

Look, there's one
right there. Kill it.

- Pow!
- That did it.

- Okay!
- Booyah!

I've done all the heavy liftin'.

All I want from Willie now is
an apology, my week's check...

and you should clean my doves.

All right.

- Was I right, or was I right?
- Let's see our prize here, Will.

I think it's safe to
say that I won the bet.

So it's "show me
the money" time.

I'll tell you what. I'm
in a generous mood.

I'm gonna give you 10%
of the profits on these cows.

- Deal. I'll take that.
- You like that? Sweet.

- Ten percent. I wanna see that in writing.
- In writing.

- All of 'em we make, you'll get 10%.
- Yep.

- That was nice of you, Dad.
- Good deal, Will.

You know, I was just
in a friendly mood.

We're gonna make millions.

- Hey, look, a dove.
- Where?

We ain't gonna make
these things. Are you crazy?

What'd you say?

Later, dudes.

Greatest idea ever.

Let's all bow.

Father, as always, we
thank you for the food.

Each day, we love you
more and love each other.

It's through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

Being a parent means
something different...

to just about every
mom and dad out there.

Some people
believe in tough love...

and some believe
in the exact opposite.

Some cast a big shadow,
and some teach by example.

We don't always have all
the answers for our kids...

but what we do have
is a ton of love for 'em.

As long as that's there,
everything else is secondary.

You should've seen the
firepower coming out of that cow.

- Huh?
- It's not what you're thinking, Dad.