Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 8 - Foul Playhouse - full transcript

This is my favorite
time of year.

The weather's changing,
and the ducks are on the move.

Sweater weather.

- Huh?
- Sweater weather.

Godwin, you have a T-shirt on.

Jep, what are you reading?

Is that the weather forecast?

This is some printouts I got
of playhouses for my kids.

- When are you gonna start building it?
- I ain't gonna build it.

- What?
- Who's gonna build it then?

I'm gonna hire some
guys to build it for me.



You will regret that
the rest of your life.

Basically, I messed
up. Big time.

Jess has me on a tight deadline.

We're having a family
barbecue at my place tomorrow.

I been putting
her off for months.

I promised Jessica this
playhouse will be ready for the kids.

You can build them a
playhouse in, like, an hour.

I can't build anything.

- What? Oh, good grief.
- Look, we'll build you a playhouse.

No. I'm just paying some guys
to build a playhouse in one day.

The only way I could really mess this up
any more is to let my brother get involved.

I can build a
playhouse in a day.

- In a day.
- In a day.

I got one day.



- One day.
- One day.

- One day.
- I can do it in half a day.

- I don't know, man.
- I'll have this by lunch.

I don't know if
you got this in you.

I have built hundreds of
duck blinds, playhouses, forts.

- Built our office here in a day.
- Exactly!

You promise me one day?

Yes, I promise.

- You got one day, if you can do it.
- Bam.

We'll even put you a
moat around it, okay?

Ooh.

- No. We don't need a moat.
- A moat.

Si, I don't wanna go
to the hospital again.

All over what? A frayed nerve?

No, I have a frayed
T.F.C. ligament.

Look, there is injured,
and there's hurt.

They said if I don't have surgery,
I'm gonna have screws and bolts...

You don't need to have surgery.

Feelings get
hurt. Jep gets hurt.

A lot.

Every ligament in Si's body has been
frayed, and he seems to be functioning...

- What?
- Decent.

If there's not a bone
protruding through your skin...

or you're not bleeding
from an orifice...

you'll be okay.

What's up with the injuries
here? I mean, you got limp wrist...

the Hunchback of Notre Dame
over here and Risky Business.

Godwin, why do you
have those sunglasses on?

I think they're cool.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Come on, y'all. Let's do it.

- All right.
- Not yet.

- Running the show today.
- What?

One hand.

All men should be able
to build and assemble.

Wait, wait, wait. I don't
know if I want it here.

I gotta make sure Jess can see the kids.
I don't want it too close to the pond.

As men, we're holding
up our end of the bargain.

Hey, wait, wait. Move
it further this way.

It ain't getting lighter.

Be a man. Build something.

Anything.

Come toward me a little bit.

It doesn't matter
where we move it.

I don't wanna have
to do this twice.

You're not doing it once.

I'm just being a
good supervisor.

Boss.

What are you talking about?

Boss.

This thing will be a cinch.

- Martin, drop this on three.
- Wait.

- Drop it on three.
- Drop it easy.

- On three or one, two?
- Three.

Installed.

You just tore up my yard.

It's grass. It doesn't
have feelings.

Whoa.

- You're worried about your grass?
- Yeah, I'm worried about my grass.

Look how good it looks.

Do you have grass
like this? I didn't think so.

What kind of tool is this?

Oh, that's my favorite tool.

- That's my crapper.
- Your what?

- My crapper.
- Crapper?

Yeah, for in the woods. I put it
in the back of my truck, sit on it.

Like a boss.

I have no idea what
would possess a man to

carry a toilet seat in
the back of his truck.

You just poop right there
in the middle of the road?

Sometimes you gotta lean back,
you know, if you got a tough one.

I feel like I need to wash my hands
just listening to this conversation.

I don't wanna be
using your tools...

that have been rubbing shoulders
with your portable toilet seat.

My name's engraved in it...

so when my pants are down, it
engraves my name in my butt.

I need a bigger buffer zone
between my hand and your rear end.

Just checking to see if y'all
wanted something to drink.

Oh, no. We don't
have time for coffee.

We're fixing to build the
greatest fortress ever.

Are you excited, kids?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

There's one thing I know,
it's how to build a fort.

- I'm gonna call it a playtress.
- Oh, that's a good one, babe.

They don't name
cities after playhouses.

They name cities after forts.

You can call it a playhouse if
you want. I'm gonna call it a fort.

Google how many cities are
named "Fort." It's hundreds.

Playtress.

You know how many
with playhouses?

I was showing
'em my porta-potty.

Oh, yeah! Don't you like this?

Oh, man.

She touched it.

What?

- Don't touch that.
- I don't see how you could touch that.

- Well, his— - It's okay.

- His naked butt's been on that.
- Well, we're wasting daylight here.

All right, guys. We're
excited about the playhouse.

Aren't we, guys?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thank you. Y'all be careful.

Hey, I'm always safe.

Let's quit talking and
start building this fort.

Playtress.

Hey, I found a peanut
that was definitely unsalted.

- Who eats unsalted peanuts?
- Well.

- Hey.
- I was about worried about y'all.

- Didn't think you was gonna show.
- Here I am.

It's always nice to
see a C.E.O. show up

when you got a duck
blind brushing going on.

My dad may be getting older, but
he's got the memory of an elephant.

Y'all forget the hard
labor of duck season.

Yeah, you usually miss this.

One year ago, I overslept on opening
day of duck season, and my punishment...

is to help him brush
the blinds this year.

All right. Let's get the show on
the road. I gotta get back to work.

I feel like I'm walkin'
into a hornet's nest.

Get back to work?

We got 64 duck blinds.

And since Si's coming along too,
it's a hornet's nest and a psych ward.

- I thought it was one blind.
- No.

The idea is to trick them into
not knowing where you are.

One duck blind, oh, there ain't no
guessing to it. They know you're there.

I got the concept. I didn't
know we were doing 64.

- Sixty-four.
- Oh, my gosh.

All right. Well, let's get
this show on the road.

Did y'all bring the ice?

Willie, did you bring the ice?

Nobody told me to bring ice.

I told you to get the ice.

Honest truth, okay, hey— I forgot
to tell Willie to get the ice, okay?

But look, that doesn't matter.

Why didn't you stop by and get
some ice? We passed 12 gas stations.

So says you. Hey.

Because, look— Willie broke
the cardinal rule of duck hunting.

And that rule is wake up
in time to go duck hunting.

It's not "says me."
I'm saying the truth.

- You're saying something stupid.
- Says you.

Look, you break that rule,
you're pretty much guaranteed...

to be messed with for
quite a while around here.

- You should've picked the ice up.
- You were driving!

You forgot the ice. Well, just get
the gas for the rig. We gotta have that.

Hey, look. Pick that up.

I can tell by looking at it that's
heavy and that'd hurt my back.

- Si, this is empty.
- Hey, says you.

- What are we doing?
- Shh, shh.

- We're just standing here looking at this.
- Shh!

We're in assessment
mode right now.

We'll put the brush
by the blind. I get it.

Shh.

All right. I'm getting started.

Easy. We ain't
quite through here.

This is a crucial stage
of the operation here.

Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me?

I took on this
task to make up for

oversleeping on opening
day of duck season...

which, admittedly,
is not a good look.

- It's new branches on top of old branches.
- You're still in C.E.O. mode, okay?

You gotta think like a duck.

I'd say this is more than
what I bargained for...

but this is pretty much
what I bargained for.

Right now, I'm above you
in the air, looking down.

He's been in the air ever
since we drove up here.

- You still standin' on the ground.
- You're still on the ground.

I been in the air soon
as we got up here.

Make one simple
mistake about hunting...

and pay for it dearly with
humiliation and hard labor.

- Are you seeing yourself on the ground?
- No. I'm in the air.

But he's high enough where
you can't see him. That's the point.

That's right. I'm up there.
I'm out of gun range. Yep.

Welcome to the Robertson family.

- All right. We're just supposed to stare?
- No, we got a lot of work to do.

So let's roll. Let's get
the show on the road here.

Wait. Just wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We do the placing. All you do is
carry it to us. You see what I'm saying?

You're the B.H.

- You know what that is?
- No.

That's the brush hauler. You leave all
the decision making up to me and Phil.

There you go.

Now, Willie, he's used to calling
the shots at the warehouse.

Just 'cause we left the
duck call room, don't

think you're the boss
of me. You hear me?

Hey, out here, okay? I am, okay?

Out here on the
land, we go by age.

Phil, he's the
commander general.

- I'm second in command, like a commander.
- Says who?

- Says me.
- Whoo.

And Willie, he's way down
on the bottom of the totem pole.

You are labor force here.

Three notches below
management, okay?

Look, the boy needs to get his delicate
little C.E.O. hands dirty and calloused.

What you wanna do is take
this Weed Eater, go over there...

See that big row of willows?
You cut us another load of willows.

Another load? Good grief,
Si. We've got a ton of brush.

Boohoo-hoo. Go cut
some more willows.

- Boohoo-hoo.
- I'm not boohoo-hooing, I'm just...

Hey, look. You're a
big crybaby right now.

- I'm not crying.
- Yeah, you are.

- You're throwing a big hissy fit.
- Boohoo-hoo.

Officially, you're
throwing a hissy.

- I'm just asking you a question.
- You're officially throwing a hissy, okay?

- Yeah, boohoo-hoo.
- Boohoo-hoo.

- This ain't a hissy fit.
- Hey, so says you.

This is a perfect height, 'cause
you can defend all positions...

but it's not easy to get into.

It ain't easy to
get into for me.

I know.

Neighborhoods are filled with fat,
chubby kids, and you wanna keep them out.

Hey, hey. I was one of those fat,
chubby kids in the neighborhood.

- You leave them out of this.
- Hey!

You gonna put one of
them nails in your toe.

I'm testing it out. I've never
used one of these before.

Jep, you're gonna hurt yourself.

Jep knows better
than to do this.

We had a game we played
as kids called "footloose."

It'll be "patoom."

The idea of the game was
to take your pocket knife...

and throw it as close to your
opponent's feet as possible.

Patoom.

It was a great game
until somebody lost.

Like a boss.

It's captivating but dangerous.

You don't mix nail guns and
medication. That's just not smart.

Jep, you're on pain medication?

Well, yeah, dude. I
had to for my wrist.

You shouldn't have power
tools. That's just stupid.

Well, you're a super power tool.

- Hmm. Touché.
- Hmm.

I usually never take pain
medicine, not even aspirin.

But I made an exception
because this thing hurts.

I'm making a little shelf
we can put in there.

Ow. That hurt.

I'm fine though.
A little loopy...

but I can still think straight.

- Let me shoot you in the leg.
- Easy, toolbox.

- Tool shed.
- Tool warehouse.

Tool galaxy.

Did I really call
him a tool galaxy?

Jep, look. We'll build it.

You go sleep it off, and we'll
give you all the credit for it.

That's what supervisors
do. Look at Willie.

Come on.

What do you think he does
in his office all the time?

Yeah, that's a good point. I'll be
sleeping in the truck if y'all need me.

Yeah. Do what Willie does.

- I think it is looking pretty good.
- Yeah, I like it too.

- It does look good.
- No thanks to you, Si.

You ain't done nothing
but run your mouth.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm quality control, okay?
That's where all the stress is.

- So says you.
- Hey. No. So says me.

- That's what I just said.
- No, you said, "So says you."

- You are you.
- So says me.

Shoom! Over your head.

Will, why don't
y'all get to work?

You heard the man.
Hey, get back to work.

Hey, look, it's not like I'm
taking pleasure in this...

Giving Willie a
hard time, all right?

- Willie, them willows are junk.
- What do you mean, they're junk?

- Look just like the other ones.
- No, they don't. Good grief.

But in actuality, I am.

Oh, yeah. Here we go. Now this is
what I'm talking about right here, boys.

Oh, you're gonna see, fat boy. Hey,
I'm gonna make it slow and painful.

- Uh-oh.
- Si, what are you doing?

There you go, buddy. Quality
control has spoken, boys.

Welcome to the jungle,
Willie. Hey, you gonna die.

Will, while you're resting, why don't
you pick me up a sandwich over there?

- Si, get us a sandwich.
- No. Hey, he told you to get it.

You're sitting there.
You ain't doing nothing.

And while you're at it,
hey, grab me one too.

Si— - Si, you hear something?

Yeah, I hear a
wambulance coming back.

Oh, okay. All right.

Look, this whole punishment
thing has gone way too far.

I swear, whenever I'm around Phil
and Si, they still treat me like I'm a kid.

Hey, look, go ahead and get you
some french cries while you're there too.

Doesn't matter what I
do. It's like I'm on their turf.

Hey. Hey, this thing's hot.

You forgot the ice. You idiot.

It's like I'm Jep
and they're Jase.

And me, I guess.

- Si, it's your fault. You forgot the ice.
- No, it ain't mine.

It's yours. That thing's bad.

- No ice.
- Smells all right to me.

Hey, that'll teach
you to forget the ice.

Well, well, well.
Are you well rested?

What the crap is this?

- What do you think?
- I can't believe y'all did this.

Hey. You're welcome.

Honestly, what do you think?

- I think it's terrible.
- What?

That's like some kind
of P.O.W. sweatbox.

- You really don't like this?
- No, I don't like it.

Anybody can call and order
some prefab playhouse.

- What were you expecting?
- Something like that right there.

Forts are for kids who want to defend
themselves from other neighborhood kids.

It's got a slide. Slides
equal weakness.

The kids who play
in playhouses...

they're just looking for
another place to have snacks.

Jessica is not gonna like this.

You're overreacting 'cause you're
whupped and you're scared of your woman.

She's gonna like this.

- Hey.
- Speak of the devil.

Uh-oh. Ta-da!

What do you think?

Yeah, it...

- Is this our playhouse?
- No, baby. It's not your playhouse.

That's right. It's your fort.

Ta-da.

What do you
think? Y'all like it?

- Yeah, they're fired up about it.
- I mean, are y'all done?

Do y'all still have
work to do on it?

It don't get any
better than this.

Taj Mahal of all forts.

I think I was pretty dumb to let Jase
build this thing instead of professionals.

There's no windows. They're
not gonna be able to breathe.

There's no slides and
there's no walkway.

There's some rope.

- They have to climb the ropes?
- Yes.

It's gonna build muscles.

I mean, look at the
thing. Clearly, not smart.

Nothing about this says smart.

Jep, I thought you were here.
What were you doing this whole time?

I took a nap.

I can say I was taking
pain medication...

which was prescribed to
me, and is now wearing off.

- Well, you stink as a boss.
- Uh-oh.

- Oh, boy.
- That is an ugly thing for you to say.

Well, I mean, this is
not what we talked about.

Jess, don't freak out.

- I got a plan B.
- What are you talking about?

- Are you gonna take another nap?
- No.

- Come on, guys. Let's go.
- I'll take care of it.

This is an original masterpiece.

That is a masterpiece of crap.

All right. We're finished.

Si, what do you think?

No, not quite. Not quite, boys.

There you go. Now.

Ah. Yep. Now we're finished.

I've probably never subjected Will to
this much hard labor all in one day...

At least as a grown man.

That's exactly what I just did.

No.

It looks like the same
spot, but it ain't quite.

Looks like it, but it ain't.

However, I must say that I've
never known a Robertson son...

to sleep in on the opening
day of duck season.

That's from your perspective
with untrained eye.

To the untrained eye.

You just wouldn't do
something like that... ever.

- Will, you did a good job.
- All right. We're done.

One day under our belt.
Two blinds. Got 62 more.

See you tomorrow, Will.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I ain't—
Uh-uh. This was a one-day deal.

We're gonna slick
'em one more time.

I'm not coming back here 31
days and brushing all these things.

- I got stuff to do.
- Sixty-two more to go.

These are the days of our
lives. You'd better cherish it.

- So says you.
- No, don't get on that again.

Get in the stupid vehicle.
He's starting to get fussy.

- Past his bedtime.
- I ain't getting fussy.

Yeah, you are. You're
getting to whine again.

- Tired of you running your mouth.
- You big crybaby.

That is professional
work right there, boys.

I tell you one thing—
Them boys work fast.

Don't they?

I wish they'd hurry up and
get through with that slide.

I kind of wanna
get on the swing set.

I don't get it.

Jep missed it by a mile.

I still don't see what's
wrong with mine.

- You talk about overkill.
- They're gonna have way more fun in that.

He left no room for
the kids to improvise.

Look. They go in by the poles.
They can climb on the side.

- You got ladders.
- So by your logic, it's too fun.

Yep.

This playhouse is basically the
childhood equivalent to a strip mall.

Man, that thing looks
awesome. Y'all built that?

- Nah.
- No. I had that built. They built that.

That looks like crap.

- What?
- Exactly.

That looks like something only
a sick mind could come up with.

What's it supposed to be?

I built the kids a fort where
kids can use their imagination...

and they can defend
their position, but no...

So let me guess. You paid
people to do that, but this was free.

- Yep.
- Okay.

- It's coming together for me now.
- Yep.

Old Jep coming up with
the plastic playhouse.

- Looks just like the catalog.
- Yuppie cookie cutter.

My kids are gonna be happy.

Talk about a yuppie move.

I built the kids a fort.

- A fort.
- It's easily defended.

However, it's better than letting his
kids play in that death trap Jase built.

Look like that's one of them things
where you throw the prisoners in...

when you wanna punish
'em for about a month.

Hey, you know, you
get what you pay for.

But it's an
unbelievable kids' fort.

- Put a few logs on it.
- With a little camouflage netting.

- Rip the top off of it.
- Rip the top off of it.

- Need a little paint.
- Have you a duck blind.

Oh, crap. Here we go.

Well, Willie, load that up for me,
take it down there on the riverbank...

and we'll see what
we can do with it.

- I'll make a duck blind out of it.
- Why not?

- You're welcome.
- Jep, help me load this thing up.

- Can't, bro.
- Jase, come on. Let's go.

No, get Jessica to help you.

Is that the wambulance
I hear coming back?

Wah!

All right. Let's pray.

Lord, I thank you so much
for everybody gathered here.

Lord, I pray that no matter
what projects we get in...

we will always keep you
first in everything we do.

- Amen.
- Amen.

One of the great things
about having a big family...

is that we can all appreciate how
we see the world in a different light.

Sure, we may butt heads and bicker
when we're trying to help each other out...

Say volunteering to build a playhouse
or not volunteering to brush duck blinds...

But, you know, when all is said and
done, the mark of a truly great family...

is the ability to rise above your
differences and laugh about 'em.

Man, that brisket
made me thirsty.

Boohoo-hoo! Hey, what
do you need, a juice box?