Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 7 - Jase and the Argonauts - full transcript

Don't you hate how
when you squirt mustard...

it always got water comes up?

- See, that ruins your bread.
- Always give it one squirt somewhere else.

- Practice run?
- Then I proceed.

You don't want to be
squirting a bunch of water...

or a plug in on your fish.

What are you talking
about? That's the best part.

- The mustard plug?
- Yeah.

- The hard part?
- Hey, it ain't hard. It's chewy.

- You eat that?
- Yeah, I eat it.

Look here.



Hey, I live by the code
"Waste not, want not."

Hey, it's got a good
flavor. Plus it's chewy.

And that applies to food
just as much as anything else.

Hey, I'm a texture man, man.

- It's like eatin' a booger.
- That's what it is. It's a mustard booger.

Look, all it is is
dried mustard.

Hey, mustard plugs
are my jam, man.

- You're ruining my appetite.
- Hey, do not knock it until you try it.

Hey, makes me hungry
just thinkin' about it.

- What's up?
- That looks good.

Where'd you get
that ice cream cone?

From the soft-serve ice cream
machine I had installed in my office.

You put an ice cream
machine in your office?

- Cool, huh?
- That needs to be in the break room.



The heck with the break room.
Put it in the duck call room.

This is what you call a
little motivational ice cream.

Mmm.

It's here to motivate you.

As C.E.O., I've learned that
motivating people is hard.

Especially this bunch of idiots.

- Ice cream!
- Look how good that looks.

They're pretty much giant,
slow-moving children...

which is exactly why I decided
to motivate them like children.

You get your job
done, you get a perk.

And it's good.

This motivates me as well.

Mmm.

Is this in my beard?

I built all my calls this morning. I
want a dadgum ice cream cone.

- And you'll be rewarded, my friend.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

What are we, dogs?

Jase, don't act like you don't
like ice cream. You love ice cream.

- I love ice cream.
- Thank you.

I don't like tyrants.

- This is blackmail. That's what it is.
- It's motivation, son.

Number one, you're
not my father, okay?

And number two,
I'm not five years old.

"Okay, darling, if you do a good job,
Daddy will buy you an ice cream cone."

You just lookin' at it wrong.

Do a good job, come by,
say, "I want an ice cream cone.

Got my job done. Got
those duck calls made."

Voilà.

Seems kind of silly.

Ain't nothing silly
about this, son.

Hey, you're not my dad.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Nope. Nothing.

I think you need to
push that red button.

Nope.

Nothing.

I though ol' Bourne was
gonna make a comeback here.

But I don't know whether
he's gonna survive this or not.

Phil, you've seen that
movie a hundred times...

- Quit.
- Let me try that one.

Nope. Nothing.

There used to be, in
the old days, one button.

"On" button.

What happened
to just on and off?

Turn something on...

Turn it off...

- It become obsolete.
- Yeah.

Times were a lot
more simple then.

Of course, those were the days before
you could see Jason Bourne on DVD.

What's this dash down
at the end? Says "Dash."

Is that like run fast or is
that— What is that dash?

Well, when that came along— Okay,
we got more buttons to push here.

Just went...

'Cause you don't just turn the
thing on and there's Jason. No.

How about the number 2?

Nope. Nothing.

You got to take that, stick it in
that thing up under your TV...

and know what right buttons to
push or Jason doesn't come on.

Nothin' is happening,
no matter what I do.

Just try 'em all.

Life is full of challenges.

I mean— I don't like skinny
women or skinny TVs.

- Yeah, you like a full-figured TV
like you like a full-figured woman.
- You betcha.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Remember how
heavy they used to be?

- Oh.
- Like a big ol' elephant.

Yeah, in the 1800s,
all them pictures they

took of them little
chubby girls like yourself.

Pioneer men and technology...

go together about as well as
mayonnaise and applesauce.

Don't hit that TV. You're
gonna tear it up, buddy.

I tried that once when we
were running out groceries.

It did not work out.

Jep threw up everywhere.

And then Bobo ate it.

He eats everything.

He just gobbled it down.

Just loved it, licking his lips.

Three, six, nine,
12, 13, 14, 15, 16...

Try the green button.

Thirty-six, 38, 39, 40...

There's an orange
one. Try that one.

Forty-six buttons...

to get a TV to work?

- You know who we need, Miss Kay?
- Who?

We need Bourne.

- Whoop! He gone.
- Why don't you try the red one?

Nope. Nothing.

Godwin, we just ate lunch.

That ice cream made me hungry.

Yeah, that ice cream
was really good.

You don't see the problem here?

Mm-mmm.

Don't you want some ice cream?

Ice cream is not
a legitimate perk.

I don't know about that.

I haven't been
motivated by ice cream...

since I was four years old.

If you fall for this, what
does that make you?

Full?

Last time I checked...

I'm a grown man.

This is just plain and
simple manipulation.

It worked, 'cause I want
some of that ice cream.

- I gotta have my cream.
- I want to bathe in it.

It's like an itch
you can't scratch.

Count me out.

He's trying to manipulate
your behavior with ice cream.

Well, he said we could
put some chocolate on it.

All I'm saying is I want
to motivate us like men.

I promise you this...

As the C.O.O. of this company...

I will come up with something
better than ice cream to motivate you.

Well, in the meantime, can
we have some ice cream?

No ice cream—just
as a principle.

- Poor fella.
- He needs his cream.

- Cream withdrawal.
- That's just sad.

So where is Jase?

Why are we here before work?

I don't understand why
we got to be here so early.

- 'Cause he's an idiot, that's why.
- Mmm.

I already have to get up pretty
early in the morning just to get to work.

I mean, this hair ain't
gonna blow-dry itself.

- He's probably playing a joke on us.
- That ain't no fun.

I mean, y'all have no idea what it
takes to make this every morning.

But he said it was
really important.

- And he's now 10 minutes late.
- Yeah.

This better be good.

Well, I wish the knucklehead
would hurry up and show up.

Si, you're a little
cranky this morning.

Hey, look. I always get
cranky when I'm hungry.

What's that racket over there?

- I don't know.
- Is that that idiot?

That is that idiot.
He finally showed up.

Somebody got a new toy.

A wide four-wheeler.

That is a big one.

Gentlemen!

- What's he doin'?
- I have no idea what he's doin'.

Mmm.

- We came here early for this?
- Yeah!

This is the ultimate
redneck chariot.

Why are you on
that side of the pond?

I'm glad you ask.

You done lost your mind.

You want some motivation?

I'll give you some motivation.

I don't get it.

- Uh-oh!
- He's fixed to sink that joker.

The pond's deeper
than that thing.

He's goin' down, boys.

Look, Willie went
for manipulation.

I went for manavation.

It's like a boat with wheels.

It's motivation
provided for men.

It actually looks kind of
fun, to be honest with you.

Consider yourselves manavated.

Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Look out!

Oh, hey! Look out!

Hey! Whoa! Hey!

You gotta drop the
motor down, boy.

That thing's got some power.

Two thumbs up.

Gentlemen...

I give you the Argo
Amphibious A.T.V.

Awesome, dude.

Willie wants to motivate
us with soft-serve ice cream.

I got news for you.
This is way better.

And it'll make you
feel like a man.

- I'm a man.
- You're halfway there, Jep.

So you bought it?

- I did.
- Well, good for you.

- Good for us.
- Us?

This is for people in
the duck call shop only.

- Oh, man.
- I like where your head's at.

- You followin' me?
- Yeah, I hear you.

- Take me for a spin in this puppy.
- Si.

- Come on.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Let's go see what this thing will do.
- You lucky dog.

Off they go.

Hyah!

Hey, let's go build some
stinkin' duck calls. Crap.

- Let's get some breakfast first.
- I'm in.

Breakfast it is. And Si still
ain't gettin' no breakfast.

Yeah, he gone.

Hey, I am hungry though.

Whoo!

I don't care. Whatever you want.

Uh, tacos.

- Not tacos.
- You just said whatever I want.

Except for tacos. Anything else.

- Hamburger.
- We had hamburgers yesterday.

Why don't you
just choose it then?

What about that
soup and salad place?

Oh, I hate that place.

What?

- Hey, Mom.
- We're having problems down here.

Oh, shoot. What is it now?

Well, Daddy cannot get the
DVD player to watch— - What is it?

Oh, crap. TV.

Oh, God.

I generally get three types
of phone calls from my mom.

- What do you think about
barbecued chicken tonight?

- All right, look...

- One is to talk about food.
- How about sausages?

- Just-Just— - I'm
just gonna make both.

Two is to talk about whether or not
her dogs have gone number two yet.

Bobo!

Bobo!

Mom, let's focus on the remote.

And three is because they can't figure how
to work something that has buttons on it.

What's Phil doing?

He's mashing ever
button on the little thing.

Don't do that.

When I'm lucky, I
get all three at once.

Do I point it toward the
television now or later?

- Does he point it toward
the— - Now. Try it now.

Does the TV need
to be on for this?

Yes.

He said yes.

Willie, let's just
go down there.

Why can't you ever
get Jep to do this stuff?

Well, I don't want to bother
him. You know, he's so busy.

- Ma— No.
- I love you.

Better than Jep?

Real close. Almost
right next to him.

You've got to go "Power"...

Power.

To "Input" to "Component"
if you want to get to Bourne.

- You go that?
- I think I got it.

So if I wanted to watch Bourne
right now, what would I do?

You know what would
solve the entire problem?

Just have a Bourne button.

Put a remote, you
got Bourne on it.

There you're goin'.
See what I'm sayin'?

I really don't want to come back
here and do this once a week.

Let's make something
clear. I love my parents...

and I'm happy to help them with
the occasional simple task, but...

- Are you through with Phil?
- Why? What is it?

Just a little somethin' I
want to ask you about.

It's never just one simple task.

- It'll just take a minute.
- And it never takes just one minute.

- Mom, I don't have time—
- Willie, help your mama.

- Come on.
- Shoot.

And for some reason,
I can never say no.

The grandkids want me to talk
to them on the phone with text...

and I don't know how to do it.

- Okay, I got to go.
- No.

- You need to teach her.
- Why don't you just show her?

- Willie.
- Look, I got a brand-new phone.

Mom, put it in your pocket.

- Oh, look at that.
- Look. See?

John Luke texted her, but she
doesn't know how to respond.

If you thought Phil was
bad with technology...

By the way, Will, I don't
even see "Input" on this thing.

You'd be right.

- Oh, yeah, I do.
- However, Miss Kay...

- Put the words in— - How
do you make a space?

You press "Space."

She takes being bad with
technology to a whole new level.

- Look. Look what I did. I did that.
- Okay.

It's like a baby playing piano. It
starts out cute, but after a while...

it gets really annoying.

Hey, guess what, Phil.
I just sent my first text.

Bourne's in a bind here. Easy.

- Good gracious.
- All right. We got to go.

Wait, Willie. I want to learn how to
make the little heart and the smiley face.

Oh, good grief.

How come mine sound
better than yours, Godwin?

I was thinkin' the
other way around.

Dude, I love that Argo.

Yeah, that thing
looks awesome, man.

I have to admit, you come up
with a good idea with that vehicle.

- Are you motivated?
- Oh, I'm fired up about it.

I always knew I was a
better motivator than Willie.

- I am very motivated.
- Yeah. Right.

It's inspirational.

His problem is
he's all about rules.

"Don't do this. Do this quicker.

Do this and you'll
get ice cream."

When you earn it for the week,
I don't care what you do with it.

- I'm bringing my wife for a ride.
- Oh, boy.

- Oh, boy.
- Okay.

Go for it, Jep.

The key is— no rules.

You do your work
and you get rewarded.

If this Argo's rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.

- Uh-oh.
- Get a little Lysol.

All right. Maybe there's a couple of
things that should be on a restricted list.

Here's what we do. We
come up with a point system.

Every duck call
is worth 10 points.

That's 10. I'm ahead of y'all.

And every reed is worth five.

- No.
- No.

Si, you can do reeds way
faster. That doesn't count.

- What do you mean?
- Every reed is worth one point.

- Yeah.
- No!

- Yeah.
- No!

That's the most important
part of a duck call— is a reed.

'Cause without it, guess
what? Here's what you've got.

This sounds like a
chipmunk breaking wind, Jack.

He's got a point.

- Okay, you can have two points.
- All right.

- Okay, we all agree?
- Yep.

- Duck calls are worth 10 points.
- Yep.

Reeds are worth two.

It starts... now!

Hold it. Time-out. I got
to go use the bathroom.

Hey. Don't start yet.

Here we go again.

Oh! Hi-yo, Silver!

Twenty-five more,
boys. That's 50 points.

- Make it another hundred.
- We on a roll, boys.

There's another one.

You see? Now this is how
a duck call shop should run.

Next week, me and the
A.T.V. are goin' fishin', boys.

No. You're goin' way too fast,
son. Slow and steady wins the race.

Well, you're definitely slow.

Everyone's building. We've
got our point system in place.

We're excited.

You boys talk a big game.

I ought to write a book.

Motivation; The
Trash-Talking Competitive Way.

I'm fixin' to make
it rain on you idiots.

- Make it rain?
- Yep.

I don't think that means
what you think it means, Si.

I'm the rainmaker, Jack.

More like Rain Man.

Si's like a two-year-old
when it comes to language.

He'll just repeat
whatever he hears.

- Make them reeds rain.
- Oh, I'm makin' it rain.

He thinks chillax is
a brand of laxatives.

- It's fixed to rain, Jack.
- Do we need an umbrella?

When Si dips cookies in milk,
he says he's badonkadonking.

I can make it rain sideways.

Badonkadonk.

I can make it rain
crocodile tears, okay?

- How?
- I learned it in Nam.

He thinks takin' a selfie
means takin' a dump.

Did y'all get that? Huh?
Or was it too deep for ya?

It doesn't.

Okay.

But hey! Look out!
'Cause it's fixin' to pour.

Hey.

It's fixin' to rain soon.

I'm makin' it rain.

Looks like everybody's working.

You are witnessing the
largest single day production...

in the history of
Duck Commander.

That's what I'm talkin' about.
Somebody likes some ice cream.

No, it has nothing
to do with ice cream.

Well, it looks
like it's working.

You didn't see what I
parked in the parking lot?

It's an A.T.V. I
saw it. It's cool.

It's not an ordinary A.T.V.

That helps with the ice cream.

So we got ice cream.
We've got use of that.

I spent a little money.
You spent a little money.

We're motivating the troops.

Well, technically, you bought it.
I used the company credit card.

- You did what?
- I used the company credit card.

I always wondered
how long it would take...

before Jase abused his
corporate credit card privilege.

It's genius. You should
be thankin' me for this.

Day one, he went on a
spending spree at the burger joint.

But it was only like 18
bucks, so I let it slide.

Ten points.

And it's way better than
your crappy ice cream.

I need to see you
outside a second.

Okay.

I would say I only have myself
to blame, but I think it's obvious.

This is Jase's fault.

You can't use a company credit
card to buy a stupid four-wheeler.

I'm motivating the men.

How is that
motivation to work...

if you have to leave work
to actually get motivated?

'Cause I'm giving them hope.

I gave them hope with
soft-serve ice cream.

Cut me some slack here.

This is the best money
of yours I have ever spent.

Fifty! That order is
complete and finished.

They're motivated.

Hang on. Oh.

- What?
- Kay. She's texting.

Since when? She don't
know how to do that.

Yeah, she does, because
I taught her how to do it.

I'm not gonna say that I'm happy
about my mom learning how to text.

It's nothing but emoticons.

Smiley face, sad face,
sad face, sad face.

"Which one are you?"

But it just so
happens that her text...

came at just the right moment.

She just sent me a text message.

It's the letter "H."

What is that?

Oh, look. Here's an "I."

"Hi"?

Is Willie still mad at me?

Probably.

She just texted
me, "I told Jase 'Hi'."

But you give him a few
meals, he'll be all right.

Should I text her back?

Do not text her back.

No, maybe not. No. I'm just
gonna act like I never got it.

Boo-yah! Another
one bites the dust!

♪♪

Hey, 10 more and
I'm done with this one.

I'm fixin' to be done
with these Shadows.

You finished that order?

Yeah. The Duck Pickers are done.

As furious as I am about this...

Oh, yeah.

And believe me,
I'm still furious...

Another 10 points,
another order done.

Jase does have a point.

Jase, I have to admit. I ain't
never seen this kind of productivity...

Well, ever.

And since Jase has beaten
me at my own game...

You know what? Prepare
to be doubly motivated.

There's really only one way to
save face and come out of this on top.

I don't know how we're gonna
get any work done with two of these.

Jase, sometimes you
just gotta have fun.

- That's the spirit.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

Fire it up. Fire it up.

Go! That's what
I'm talkin' about.

Y'all got wheels. Whoa!

Ride 'em, cowboy! Hyah! Hyah!

Ice cream!

Y'all bow. Father, we thank you for another
good, fine meal you blessed us with here.

We thank you for your love,
your goodness, your mercy.

It's through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

When I was growing up, my parents
taught me the value of hard work.

And when you run a business
it's easy to get caught up...

in trying to make sure everyone
is working hard all the time.

But what I've learned is that
life can't be all about work.

And sometimes the best way
to get people to work hard...

is to let them have
a little fun first.

Because even though
hard work is important...

everybody deserves a
little fun now and then.

Even if your
definition of fun...

is sending your grown son little smiley
faces and hearts every stinkin' minute.

Mom, I don't know what smiley face,
sad face, smiley face even means.