Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 6 - G.I. SI - full transcript
When Willie and Jase argue over an old GI Joe toy, it leads them into a debate over who would make a better soldier. To settle the score, Willie and Jase head out to the woods with their friends and children for a paintball match.
This is from Missy.
Here's Korie's contribution.
This is wonderful. It's
better than I thought.
The kids at the church are gonna
love these toys. You know it?
What's not to love?
Look. My old tater head.
- It doesn't have an eye.
- I know it. My dog ate it.
When he craps
it out, I'll find it.
- That's pitiful.
- That's pitiful.
Last week Miss Kay asked us to round up all
our old toys for the church's toy drive.
Do you know the first thing
that kids are gonna do with this?
What? Hey!
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yow!
What's in this box?
Every year it feels good
knowing that some kids
will get to enjoy this
stuff as much as we did.
Oh! Sweet.
That ain't going nowhere.
It's my G.I. Joe action figure.
And every year I find something
that I don't wanna get rid of.
Look at that.
- That's creepy.
- That's mine.
No. Correction: mine.
That's my action
figure that you stole.
It ain't yours. It's mine.
You stole it from me.
- Nope.
- That's a cute doll.
It's not a doll.
I played with this
for, like, a year.
Yeah, you played with
my toy. Congratulations.
That's a doll, boys.
- Kay, it's not a doll.
- It's not a doll.
See the red on the bottom of the
foot? I marked it distinctly as mine.
Y'all are grown. Now hush.
Kay, that was
mine, and he took it.
Willie has always had
the same type maneuver...
when acquiring
things that are not his.
It was mine, then he
put some red paint on it.
I'm marking my territory.
He has a knack for it.
If you'd have been in the Old West,
they'd have hung you for cattle thieving.
'Cause you would've taken a cow, put
your brand on it and say, "It's my cow."
Some people would call this
form of negotiation "stealing."
It's for charity.
Mom, I'll buy a case of
these for some other kids.
Not this one. This
one's sentimental.
All right. Keep your doll.
It's an action figure.
It's my action figure.
No, it's not.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Oh, man.
Some kid's gonna love that.
The best toy ever
is the G.I. Joe.
I'll agree with that.
They don't make
toys like that anymore.
Used to be toys were something
you could take outside to play with...
It's all electronics now.
We didn't have
that stuff as kids.
And use your imagination
to fill in the blanks.
Everything now has a circuit
board or some kind of app.
Or made of video games.
- Made of video games?
- Video games.
Unless you're Godwin.
It's not made of video
games. It is a video game.
- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
Then I don't know
what you'd use.
Hey, remember the snow
camo on the G.I. Joe?
- They had the scuba guy.
- Scuba guy was awesome.
- I liked the medic.
- The medic?
- Nobody liked the medic.
- No.
- It was the most boring
G.I. Joe toy ever.
- Yeah.
No. Shows me what you
boys know about battle.
Huh?
The medic is the most important
man on the battlefield, okay?
'Cause look, hey, soldiers
don't care about toys.
They care about staying alive.
Si, we were kids.
We were playing war.
When I played war as a
kid, we played it for real.
Well, you can get off there, 'cause
you ain't in the jungle no more.
Oh, hey, I'm always
in the jungle, son.
Hey, look here. War is an
art. And this is a real art, okay?
Not like the sandwich
artists down there at Subway.
I'm talking about kids
playing war games.
Ain't nobody playing. We
talking about survival, Jack.
Here's my personal favorite—
The art of camouflage.
In war, you become
one with the jungle.
I'm like the Predator, okay?
What they can't
find, they can't kill.
Next thing you know,
pow— You've been lasered.
You look and you got a
big hole through your chest.
How you think I survived in Nam?
None of us actually
know the answer to that.
Bam! Okay?
You're dead.
No. Hey, once a soldier,
always a soldier, boys.
Hey, I'd be a great soldier.
You should see me play paintball.
It's combat.
Of all the people I
could think of that'd be
terrible at paintball,
you'd be top of the list.
You don't know enough about your
enemy. That's what gets you shot.
I'm a way better shot. I have
way more hunting experience.
You're a bigger target.
Wanna put your money
where your mouth is, son?
What do you have
in mind, G.I. Jane?
- We'll put up this prize right here.
- Fine.
We'll go get the stuff,
get the kids, and let's play.
- Let's do it.
- Game's on.
Let's go.
You will go down.
I will paint you like a wall.
All right. Here we go.
- Mmm.
- Got that sucker that time.
Yep.
Dude, does this
look right to you?
Well, it's straight-ish.
Dude, this has
gotta be perfect, bro.
Jessica's expecting,
like, a small, little thing.
I went all the way with it.
It's gotta be perfect.
Why didn't you just have professionals
do it like you did with the roofers, man?
I wanted to do something where
Jessica'd be like, "Good job, babe."
Little pat on the booty.
Oh, boy. There we go.
Look, when you got a wife as hot
as mine, you gotta keep her happy.
And then some.
- I'm not going down
with the ship on this one.
- Oh, you're going down, son.
- What?
- Only problem is sometimes I bite off
a little more than I can chew.
This is Thelma & Louise, Jack. We
go off the cliff, we're going together.
But you're Thelma, I'm Louise.
She was the hot redheaded one.
Thelma better have
been the one driving.
You ever see that video where the
anaconda tries to swallow the hippo?
That's a big cliff.
That's where I'm at right now.
I'm telling you, man, Jess is
gonna kill me if we don't get this right.
- Mmm.
- Hmm.
This ain't right.
All right, I'll take John Luke.
All right, Cole, man. Get your
butt over here. I'll take you.
Winner take all.
- And the G.I. Joe.
- And the G.I. Joe.
Y'all ready to play?
Hey, you idiots. There's two
other people to choose from here.
Oh, yeah. How'd I forget?
Uh, I'm gonna pick Godwin.
- You're an idiot.
- Well, that's just rude.
Hey, I'm the only
combat vet here.
By default, I'm gonna take Si.
No. Hey, I'll tell you what's
gonna happen here, all right?
I'm going mercenary.
All of you gonna die—
Men, women and children.
Sorry, Sadie.
They wanna see war? Oh,
hey, I'm gonna give 'em war.
Hey, I'm going
A-Team all the way.
Si, A-Team was a whole team.
No.
Hey, look here. There's
gonna be enough paint shed...
to actually paint a shed.
Hey! Si!
This thing is touchy, boys.
- Put your safety on.
- Hey.
And I'm talking about a big one.
All of you be looking
360, 'cause I'm coming.
Si, you can't see 10
feet in front of your face.
All y'all are dead.
Hey.
Is this for real?
- Going the wrong way.
- Where's he going?
Piece of junk.
♪♪
Hang on. These teams are uneven.
Well, we'll let you decide.
Well, I'll go with Willie.
- Crap.
- You just became Jase bait.
Everybody find your positions,
and we start in 20 minutes, okay?
- All right, 20 minutes.
- Lock and load, baby.
This is gonna be good.
See, for all those times that
you wanted to get at your dad?
This is your chance.
Oh, boy. Here's Phil.
Who's he gonna
make fun of first?
Me.
Nah, you're wrong. He's
gonna get both of us. Why not?
I'm 67 years old, and
when my sons get in a bind...
they still call ol'
Dad to bail 'em out.
When I pull up in
the yuppie village...
you boys stand out like two
zits on a teenage girl's face.
- Nailed it. Got us both.
- Got us both.
You know, as a father, it's
important to let your sons know...
- Don't tell me that's your dog.
- Yeah, that's my dog, Lizzie.
Just how much they've
accomplished in their life.
What is that thing good for?
Sometimes a man wonders
where he went wrong.
Y'all done bought into quite a
bit of work in this little project.
- Is that why y'all called me in?
- We don't know what we're doing.
Mm-hmm.
But—too late now.
Y'all ever laid
concrete sidewalk?
- No, sir.
- Mm-mmm.
Well, look, I'll make
it simple for you.
- We're baking a cake.
- I love cake.
The only downside is
you don't eat this one.
It just makes your
little yuppie wife happy.
That's kinda what I want.
I'm just trying to
get a little pat, pat.
A little pat, pat?
Son, I didn't know these yuppie girls
driving that kind of bargain up in here.
What's next, you know? A
four-car garage? Little pat, pat.
"Honey, go out there and
build me a barn." Little pat, pat.
Where does it end?
When I can get
a little pat, pat.
Yup. Boys, if we don't hurry
up and get this thing done...
Look at these boys right there.
They put a roof on while we're out
here trying to put a little old walkway?
- Know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
It'd just be embarrassing
if they had a whole
roof built before you lay
the concrete sidewalk.
I say we race 'em. I
think we could beat 'em.
- They're halfway done.
- I think we can do it.
We're going to have to move faster than
we're moving now, that's for sure. Come on.
I think this is a good
place to hold up.
How much time we
got before we start?
- I ain't got a watch.
- Guys.
- Do you have a watch?
- No. I'm the leader.
I'm not a watch man.
Why do you get to be the leader?
I wanna be the leader.
You can't even button your shirt
up right. You think you're the leader?
- It's not buttoned right?
- Hey, you're off one.
- What?
- I-I got a plan.
What?
Go. Just say what you want.
I got a secret weapon.
What is that?
Smoke grenade.
- Where'd you get this?
- Internet.
Does your dad have one?
- Last one.
- Sweet.
This competition is
over before it starts.
I'm gonna make you lieutenant.
I get on that field, and I'm
a modern-day Braveheart.
Oh, we can use this thing.
Willie Wallace.
This is the kind of
ideas we need right here.
Did he go by Willie, or
was it just always William?
It's got a little carrying
ring. How does it work?
Except unlike Braveheart...
Ho! Sh...
Ho!
There's nothing— Whoa!
Crap.
It's the other guys with
paint all over their face.
This thing's defective.
- 'Cause you pulled the ring.
- How do you stop it?
You can't stop it.
You pulled the ring.
This place is gone. We
gave away our position.
- You gave away our position.
- Pipe down, cadet.
Big load coming.
- Here you go.
- Oh, yeah.
Martin, how we looking up there?
Not so good. They've
almost got this side finished.
Dude, we can beat 'em, I'm
telling you. We got Dad here now.
Teach us, sensei.
- Show us the ways of the Jedi.
- Huh?
Well, where these boys went wrong is they
think they can win the race by yapping.
We are your Padawans.
Use us.
Well, it'd be best if y'all spoke
English while we're doing this.
I tend to use words that
you can find in the dictionary.
- Keep it coming, Thelma.
- Get to smoothing there, Louise.
The word now in our
culture is "high definition."
- Little pat, pat.
- Lot less talking, boys, more work.
And I think probably we'd all be better
off if we just get back to "definition."
Dude, I feel like the Karate
Kid doing this— wax on, wax off.
Y'all need to hurry up.
"Put him in a body bag, Johnny."
All right. Here's the plan.
That's Reed and that's
Cole and that's Godwin.
Shoot Reed and Cole first.
- I want you to shoot Godwin last.
- Why?
He's the biggest target,
and you don't have to aim.
Good point.
My guess is that Willie's gonna
overcomplicate his plan of attack.
Probably gonna sit
there and wait, get shot.
I'm a KISS guy.
We go down, we go down charging.
"Keep it simple, stupid."
So here's what we do.
Let's do this!
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Leeroy Robertson!
But my sixth sense is telling
me I could be wrong about that.
Follow the plan,
follow the plan.
- What's the plan?
- Follow the plan.
- Yeah!
- This was not the plan, John Luke.
John Luke Robertson!
There's John Luke! Get him!
This was not the
plan, John Luke.
This is an epic battle.
Die!
You're going down, John Luke!
And maybe picking John Luke...
We got him, boys. Keep shooting.
Whoo!
Wasn't the best idea.
I had a plan there.
You were supposed
to follow the plan!
What's the plan?
I was thinking, you know...
I forgot what the plan was.
Whoo!
Give up. You can't win.
I can't believe we're
doing this for a stupid doll.
Say hello to my little friend.
That action figure is mine, boy.
My paintball strategy is simple.
Jase, you better give up, son.
Take down the
easiest targets first.
Sadie, you're mine, girl.
- Ow! Stop shooting. I'm out.
- What? I can't hear ya.
Get 'em out of the way.
I can see your arm, John Luke.
I need help.
And then just spray and pray.
You're bound to hit something.
Ow! That hurt.
Hey! I need help here!
Good grief! I need
some help here!
Stop shooting, stop shooting.
Sounds like Si.
- Medic! I need help!
- All right, everybody stop. Time out.
- Hey, I've fallen!
- It's a trap!
- I'm serious.
- Calm down, Si.
All right, Jase, come out.
All right, on the count of three,
take a step out with your gun down.
- Okay.
- I need serious help here!
All right. Let me
see your hands now.
Hey!
All right. We're gonna stop now!
All right. Here we go.
- Oh!
- Watch your—Watch your form.
Dad, we're on the home stretch.
Good thing I thought
to rest the roofers.
Dad's getting
into this concrete.
They don't like getting
showed up by anybody.
This has actually given us some motivation
to get this sidewalk done quickly.
You boys forgot one thing.
You're up against professionals.
Between that, a
little elbow grease...
Rednecks don't do well
against professionals.
- They don't like getting showed up.
- They're done.
What? Done?
- You're a bunch of rednecks.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least there's a
walkway that's straight.
I'll still get a little
pat, pat after this.
Well, pretty close.
Don't step on the
concrete. It's still wet.
Hey, y'all.
Babe, it looks great.
- I told you.
- Y'all did it!
I'm so proud of you.
I tried to tell you. You
wouldn't listen to me.
As it turned out, you were a great
motivator for this particular job.
- That's what I'm here for.
- Bub, do you like it?
- Pipe down, Son.
- The jury has spoken.
All right. Let's go
have some dinner.
All right.
Okay. Hate to see it end,
but— - Love to watch it go.
- I love to watch her go.
- Oh, here we go.
Where is that idiot at?
Was it coming from here?
Sounded like it.
Now normally, if someone in the
woods cried for help, I'd be concerned.
Well, looks like he's been here.
But Si has a habit of
being a little overly dramatic.
And even if not, there's
a G.I. Joe on the line, son.
Now what'd he park it there for?
- Do y'all think Si's okay?
- I don't think he parked it.
- I think he's stuck.
- Stuck it and left.
- Y'all think he's okay?
- And screams out for help.
- Do you think Si's okay?
- Sadie, he's like a hundred years old.
I ain't watching after him.
- I hope he didn't sink.
- Nah, he made it.
- How do you know?
- He ain't here.
Screw it. Let's go
back to the game.
No. You know who's
gonna get blamed for that?
Me.
In my family, the older brother takes
the blame for anything stupid that occurs.
Oh, I can hear Phil right now...
"What would possess a man to leave
a four-wheeler submerged in the mud?"
You have to take responsibility
for your younger brothers...
or your crazy uncle.
Good. You should get
blamed. You let him drive it.
I didn't let him drive
it. He went mercenary.
Forget Si. Why don't we take the Polaris,
pull it out and then go back to the war?
Go get the side-by-side.
We'll pull it out.
Sometimes you gotta step up
and be the man of the family.
John Luke, let's go.
What are you doing?
It's all underwater.
Yep. I'm aware of that.
- Got it.
- All right.
All right. Everybody get your
gear. Let's play some paintball.
Now it's time to light my kids up
with as many paintballs as possible.
Let's get this game going.
What? They got on face masks.
Now we're gonna take
this side of the pond.
You guys are gonna
take that side of the pond.
There's no brush over there.
Ow! Ah! Ah!
You suckers are dead.
God! What are you doing?
Just the oldest
trick in the book.
It's called ambush, boys.
It's like I said— I'm the
master of camouflage.
No redneck can run by
a four-wheeler in distress.
Is that the right one? Nope.
Whoop. That ain't the right one.
- You buried the four-wheeler on purpose?
- Of course.
You could've ruined
Phil's four-wheeler.
Four-wheeler, bus, truck, whatever.
Hey, look, casualties of war, son.
Everything went south there.
There we go.
Now.
Y'all didn't even see me.
- Si, you shot us in the back.
- Where'd you get that ghillie suit?
- Oh, I went to Phil and Kay's and got it.
- You cheated.
- Quit crying.
- You're like a scrawny Sasquatch.
Hey.
Like I said— master
of camouflage.
Everything is fair
game in war, okay?
That's not cheating.
That's winning.
- You didn't win the game.
- Sure I did. Y'all died. I win.
You didn't win. The
kids ain't been shot.
Hey, that kind of...
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
That's for running, Godwin.
Hey. Now I won.
Si, you didn't...
I appreciate you losers
getting the four-wheeler out.
♪♪
Ow! Ow! Good grief!
- Hey.
- We lit his butt.
We'll come back
and have a rematch.
Let's go get something to eat.
All right. Y'all bow.
Father, thank you for this good
food Miss Kay has blessed us with.
I pray, Father, that we
do two simple things...
Love you more each
day and love each other.
Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
- Amen.
- All right. Let's dig in, boys.
As a family, when you spend
as much time together as we do...
things can start getting
a little predictable.
There are times when you
know someone so well...
that you feel like you can
anticipate their every move.
But sometimes they'll
throw you for a loop...
like actually finishing an overly
ambitious home improvement project...
or just nailing you in
the back with a paintball.
In the end, little revelations
like this keep us on our toes...
and teach us that no matter how
much you think you know someone...
there's always
room to be surprised.
Although in Si's case, I'm
not sure I wanna be surprised.
Look here, boys. Since
I won the paintball war...
hey, I'm gonna
get rid of this doll.
Si, it's an action figure.
No. I'm an action
figure. This is a doll.
Here's Korie's contribution.
This is wonderful. It's
better than I thought.
The kids at the church are gonna
love these toys. You know it?
What's not to love?
Look. My old tater head.
- It doesn't have an eye.
- I know it. My dog ate it.
When he craps
it out, I'll find it.
- That's pitiful.
- That's pitiful.
Last week Miss Kay asked us to round up all
our old toys for the church's toy drive.
Do you know the first thing
that kids are gonna do with this?
What? Hey!
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yow!
What's in this box?
Every year it feels good
knowing that some kids
will get to enjoy this
stuff as much as we did.
Oh! Sweet.
That ain't going nowhere.
It's my G.I. Joe action figure.
And every year I find something
that I don't wanna get rid of.
Look at that.
- That's creepy.
- That's mine.
No. Correction: mine.
That's my action
figure that you stole.
It ain't yours. It's mine.
You stole it from me.
- Nope.
- That's a cute doll.
It's not a doll.
I played with this
for, like, a year.
Yeah, you played with
my toy. Congratulations.
That's a doll, boys.
- Kay, it's not a doll.
- It's not a doll.
See the red on the bottom of the
foot? I marked it distinctly as mine.
Y'all are grown. Now hush.
Kay, that was
mine, and he took it.
Willie has always had
the same type maneuver...
when acquiring
things that are not his.
It was mine, then he
put some red paint on it.
I'm marking my territory.
He has a knack for it.
If you'd have been in the Old West,
they'd have hung you for cattle thieving.
'Cause you would've taken a cow, put
your brand on it and say, "It's my cow."
Some people would call this
form of negotiation "stealing."
It's for charity.
Mom, I'll buy a case of
these for some other kids.
Not this one. This
one's sentimental.
All right. Keep your doll.
It's an action figure.
It's my action figure.
No, it's not.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Oh, man.
Some kid's gonna love that.
The best toy ever
is the G.I. Joe.
I'll agree with that.
They don't make
toys like that anymore.
Used to be toys were something
you could take outside to play with...
It's all electronics now.
We didn't have
that stuff as kids.
And use your imagination
to fill in the blanks.
Everything now has a circuit
board or some kind of app.
Or made of video games.
- Made of video games?
- Video games.
Unless you're Godwin.
It's not made of video
games. It is a video game.
- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
Then I don't know
what you'd use.
Hey, remember the snow
camo on the G.I. Joe?
- They had the scuba guy.
- Scuba guy was awesome.
- I liked the medic.
- The medic?
- Nobody liked the medic.
- No.
- It was the most boring
G.I. Joe toy ever.
- Yeah.
No. Shows me what you
boys know about battle.
Huh?
The medic is the most important
man on the battlefield, okay?
'Cause look, hey, soldiers
don't care about toys.
They care about staying alive.
Si, we were kids.
We were playing war.
When I played war as a
kid, we played it for real.
Well, you can get off there, 'cause
you ain't in the jungle no more.
Oh, hey, I'm always
in the jungle, son.
Hey, look here. War is an
art. And this is a real art, okay?
Not like the sandwich
artists down there at Subway.
I'm talking about kids
playing war games.
Ain't nobody playing. We
talking about survival, Jack.
Here's my personal favorite—
The art of camouflage.
In war, you become
one with the jungle.
I'm like the Predator, okay?
What they can't
find, they can't kill.
Next thing you know,
pow— You've been lasered.
You look and you got a
big hole through your chest.
How you think I survived in Nam?
None of us actually
know the answer to that.
Bam! Okay?
You're dead.
No. Hey, once a soldier,
always a soldier, boys.
Hey, I'd be a great soldier.
You should see me play paintball.
It's combat.
Of all the people I
could think of that'd be
terrible at paintball,
you'd be top of the list.
You don't know enough about your
enemy. That's what gets you shot.
I'm a way better shot. I have
way more hunting experience.
You're a bigger target.
Wanna put your money
where your mouth is, son?
What do you have
in mind, G.I. Jane?
- We'll put up this prize right here.
- Fine.
We'll go get the stuff,
get the kids, and let's play.
- Let's do it.
- Game's on.
Let's go.
You will go down.
I will paint you like a wall.
All right. Here we go.
- Mmm.
- Got that sucker that time.
Yep.
Dude, does this
look right to you?
Well, it's straight-ish.
Dude, this has
gotta be perfect, bro.
Jessica's expecting,
like, a small, little thing.
I went all the way with it.
It's gotta be perfect.
Why didn't you just have professionals
do it like you did with the roofers, man?
I wanted to do something where
Jessica'd be like, "Good job, babe."
Little pat on the booty.
Oh, boy. There we go.
Look, when you got a wife as hot
as mine, you gotta keep her happy.
And then some.
- I'm not going down
with the ship on this one.
- Oh, you're going down, son.
- What?
- Only problem is sometimes I bite off
a little more than I can chew.
This is Thelma & Louise, Jack. We
go off the cliff, we're going together.
But you're Thelma, I'm Louise.
She was the hot redheaded one.
Thelma better have
been the one driving.
You ever see that video where the
anaconda tries to swallow the hippo?
That's a big cliff.
That's where I'm at right now.
I'm telling you, man, Jess is
gonna kill me if we don't get this right.
- Mmm.
- Hmm.
This ain't right.
All right, I'll take John Luke.
All right, Cole, man. Get your
butt over here. I'll take you.
Winner take all.
- And the G.I. Joe.
- And the G.I. Joe.
Y'all ready to play?
Hey, you idiots. There's two
other people to choose from here.
Oh, yeah. How'd I forget?
Uh, I'm gonna pick Godwin.
- You're an idiot.
- Well, that's just rude.
Hey, I'm the only
combat vet here.
By default, I'm gonna take Si.
No. Hey, I'll tell you what's
gonna happen here, all right?
I'm going mercenary.
All of you gonna die—
Men, women and children.
Sorry, Sadie.
They wanna see war? Oh,
hey, I'm gonna give 'em war.
Hey, I'm going
A-Team all the way.
Si, A-Team was a whole team.
No.
Hey, look here. There's
gonna be enough paint shed...
to actually paint a shed.
Hey! Si!
This thing is touchy, boys.
- Put your safety on.
- Hey.
And I'm talking about a big one.
All of you be looking
360, 'cause I'm coming.
Si, you can't see 10
feet in front of your face.
All y'all are dead.
Hey.
Is this for real?
- Going the wrong way.
- Where's he going?
Piece of junk.
♪♪
Hang on. These teams are uneven.
Well, we'll let you decide.
Well, I'll go with Willie.
- Crap.
- You just became Jase bait.
Everybody find your positions,
and we start in 20 minutes, okay?
- All right, 20 minutes.
- Lock and load, baby.
This is gonna be good.
See, for all those times that
you wanted to get at your dad?
This is your chance.
Oh, boy. Here's Phil.
Who's he gonna
make fun of first?
Me.
Nah, you're wrong. He's
gonna get both of us. Why not?
I'm 67 years old, and
when my sons get in a bind...
they still call ol'
Dad to bail 'em out.
When I pull up in
the yuppie village...
you boys stand out like two
zits on a teenage girl's face.
- Nailed it. Got us both.
- Got us both.
You know, as a father, it's
important to let your sons know...
- Don't tell me that's your dog.
- Yeah, that's my dog, Lizzie.
Just how much they've
accomplished in their life.
What is that thing good for?
Sometimes a man wonders
where he went wrong.
Y'all done bought into quite a
bit of work in this little project.
- Is that why y'all called me in?
- We don't know what we're doing.
Mm-hmm.
But—too late now.
Y'all ever laid
concrete sidewalk?
- No, sir.
- Mm-mmm.
Well, look, I'll make
it simple for you.
- We're baking a cake.
- I love cake.
The only downside is
you don't eat this one.
It just makes your
little yuppie wife happy.
That's kinda what I want.
I'm just trying to
get a little pat, pat.
A little pat, pat?
Son, I didn't know these yuppie girls
driving that kind of bargain up in here.
What's next, you know? A
four-car garage? Little pat, pat.
"Honey, go out there and
build me a barn." Little pat, pat.
Where does it end?
When I can get
a little pat, pat.
Yup. Boys, if we don't hurry
up and get this thing done...
Look at these boys right there.
They put a roof on while we're out
here trying to put a little old walkway?
- Know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
It'd just be embarrassing
if they had a whole
roof built before you lay
the concrete sidewalk.
I say we race 'em. I
think we could beat 'em.
- They're halfway done.
- I think we can do it.
We're going to have to move faster than
we're moving now, that's for sure. Come on.
I think this is a good
place to hold up.
How much time we
got before we start?
- I ain't got a watch.
- Guys.
- Do you have a watch?
- No. I'm the leader.
I'm not a watch man.
Why do you get to be the leader?
I wanna be the leader.
You can't even button your shirt
up right. You think you're the leader?
- It's not buttoned right?
- Hey, you're off one.
- What?
- I-I got a plan.
What?
Go. Just say what you want.
I got a secret weapon.
What is that?
Smoke grenade.
- Where'd you get this?
- Internet.
Does your dad have one?
- Last one.
- Sweet.
This competition is
over before it starts.
I'm gonna make you lieutenant.
I get on that field, and I'm
a modern-day Braveheart.
Oh, we can use this thing.
Willie Wallace.
This is the kind of
ideas we need right here.
Did he go by Willie, or
was it just always William?
It's got a little carrying
ring. How does it work?
Except unlike Braveheart...
Ho! Sh...
Ho!
There's nothing— Whoa!
Crap.
It's the other guys with
paint all over their face.
This thing's defective.
- 'Cause you pulled the ring.
- How do you stop it?
You can't stop it.
You pulled the ring.
This place is gone. We
gave away our position.
- You gave away our position.
- Pipe down, cadet.
Big load coming.
- Here you go.
- Oh, yeah.
Martin, how we looking up there?
Not so good. They've
almost got this side finished.
Dude, we can beat 'em, I'm
telling you. We got Dad here now.
Teach us, sensei.
- Show us the ways of the Jedi.
- Huh?
Well, where these boys went wrong is they
think they can win the race by yapping.
We are your Padawans.
Use us.
Well, it'd be best if y'all spoke
English while we're doing this.
I tend to use words that
you can find in the dictionary.
- Keep it coming, Thelma.
- Get to smoothing there, Louise.
The word now in our
culture is "high definition."
- Little pat, pat.
- Lot less talking, boys, more work.
And I think probably we'd all be better
off if we just get back to "definition."
Dude, I feel like the Karate
Kid doing this— wax on, wax off.
Y'all need to hurry up.
"Put him in a body bag, Johnny."
All right. Here's the plan.
That's Reed and that's
Cole and that's Godwin.
Shoot Reed and Cole first.
- I want you to shoot Godwin last.
- Why?
He's the biggest target,
and you don't have to aim.
Good point.
My guess is that Willie's gonna
overcomplicate his plan of attack.
Probably gonna sit
there and wait, get shot.
I'm a KISS guy.
We go down, we go down charging.
"Keep it simple, stupid."
So here's what we do.
Let's do this!
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Leeroy Robertson!
But my sixth sense is telling
me I could be wrong about that.
Follow the plan,
follow the plan.
- What's the plan?
- Follow the plan.
- Yeah!
- This was not the plan, John Luke.
John Luke Robertson!
There's John Luke! Get him!
This was not the
plan, John Luke.
This is an epic battle.
Die!
You're going down, John Luke!
And maybe picking John Luke...
We got him, boys. Keep shooting.
Whoo!
Wasn't the best idea.
I had a plan there.
You were supposed
to follow the plan!
What's the plan?
I was thinking, you know...
I forgot what the plan was.
Whoo!
Give up. You can't win.
I can't believe we're
doing this for a stupid doll.
Say hello to my little friend.
That action figure is mine, boy.
My paintball strategy is simple.
Jase, you better give up, son.
Take down the
easiest targets first.
Sadie, you're mine, girl.
- Ow! Stop shooting. I'm out.
- What? I can't hear ya.
Get 'em out of the way.
I can see your arm, John Luke.
I need help.
And then just spray and pray.
You're bound to hit something.
Ow! That hurt.
Hey! I need help here!
Good grief! I need
some help here!
Stop shooting, stop shooting.
Sounds like Si.
- Medic! I need help!
- All right, everybody stop. Time out.
- Hey, I've fallen!
- It's a trap!
- I'm serious.
- Calm down, Si.
All right, Jase, come out.
All right, on the count of three,
take a step out with your gun down.
- Okay.
- I need serious help here!
All right. Let me
see your hands now.
Hey!
All right. We're gonna stop now!
All right. Here we go.
- Oh!
- Watch your—Watch your form.
Dad, we're on the home stretch.
Good thing I thought
to rest the roofers.
Dad's getting
into this concrete.
They don't like getting
showed up by anybody.
This has actually given us some motivation
to get this sidewalk done quickly.
You boys forgot one thing.
You're up against professionals.
Between that, a
little elbow grease...
Rednecks don't do well
against professionals.
- They don't like getting showed up.
- They're done.
What? Done?
- You're a bunch of rednecks.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least there's a
walkway that's straight.
I'll still get a little
pat, pat after this.
Well, pretty close.
Don't step on the
concrete. It's still wet.
Hey, y'all.
Babe, it looks great.
- I told you.
- Y'all did it!
I'm so proud of you.
I tried to tell you. You
wouldn't listen to me.
As it turned out, you were a great
motivator for this particular job.
- That's what I'm here for.
- Bub, do you like it?
- Pipe down, Son.
- The jury has spoken.
All right. Let's go
have some dinner.
All right.
Okay. Hate to see it end,
but— - Love to watch it go.
- I love to watch her go.
- Oh, here we go.
Where is that idiot at?
Was it coming from here?
Sounded like it.
Now normally, if someone in the
woods cried for help, I'd be concerned.
Well, looks like he's been here.
But Si has a habit of
being a little overly dramatic.
And even if not, there's
a G.I. Joe on the line, son.
Now what'd he park it there for?
- Do y'all think Si's okay?
- I don't think he parked it.
- I think he's stuck.
- Stuck it and left.
- Y'all think he's okay?
- And screams out for help.
- Do you think Si's okay?
- Sadie, he's like a hundred years old.
I ain't watching after him.
- I hope he didn't sink.
- Nah, he made it.
- How do you know?
- He ain't here.
Screw it. Let's go
back to the game.
No. You know who's
gonna get blamed for that?
Me.
In my family, the older brother takes
the blame for anything stupid that occurs.
Oh, I can hear Phil right now...
"What would possess a man to leave
a four-wheeler submerged in the mud?"
You have to take responsibility
for your younger brothers...
or your crazy uncle.
Good. You should get
blamed. You let him drive it.
I didn't let him drive
it. He went mercenary.
Forget Si. Why don't we take the Polaris,
pull it out and then go back to the war?
Go get the side-by-side.
We'll pull it out.
Sometimes you gotta step up
and be the man of the family.
John Luke, let's go.
What are you doing?
It's all underwater.
Yep. I'm aware of that.
- Got it.
- All right.
All right. Everybody get your
gear. Let's play some paintball.
Now it's time to light my kids up
with as many paintballs as possible.
Let's get this game going.
What? They got on face masks.
Now we're gonna take
this side of the pond.
You guys are gonna
take that side of the pond.
There's no brush over there.
Ow! Ah! Ah!
You suckers are dead.
God! What are you doing?
Just the oldest
trick in the book.
It's called ambush, boys.
It's like I said— I'm the
master of camouflage.
No redneck can run by
a four-wheeler in distress.
Is that the right one? Nope.
Whoop. That ain't the right one.
- You buried the four-wheeler on purpose?
- Of course.
You could've ruined
Phil's four-wheeler.
Four-wheeler, bus, truck, whatever.
Hey, look, casualties of war, son.
Everything went south there.
There we go.
Now.
Y'all didn't even see me.
- Si, you shot us in the back.
- Where'd you get that ghillie suit?
- Oh, I went to Phil and Kay's and got it.
- You cheated.
- Quit crying.
- You're like a scrawny Sasquatch.
Hey.
Like I said— master
of camouflage.
Everything is fair
game in war, okay?
That's not cheating.
That's winning.
- You didn't win the game.
- Sure I did. Y'all died. I win.
You didn't win. The
kids ain't been shot.
Hey, that kind of...
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
That's for running, Godwin.
Hey. Now I won.
Si, you didn't...
I appreciate you losers
getting the four-wheeler out.
♪♪
Ow! Ow! Good grief!
- Hey.
- We lit his butt.
We'll come back
and have a rematch.
Let's go get something to eat.
All right. Y'all bow.
Father, thank you for this good
food Miss Kay has blessed us with.
I pray, Father, that we
do two simple things...
Love you more each
day and love each other.
Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
- Amen.
- All right. Let's dig in, boys.
As a family, when you spend
as much time together as we do...
things can start getting
a little predictable.
There are times when you
know someone so well...
that you feel like you can
anticipate their every move.
But sometimes they'll
throw you for a loop...
like actually finishing an overly
ambitious home improvement project...
or just nailing you in
the back with a paintball.
In the end, little revelations
like this keep us on our toes...
and teach us that no matter how
much you think you know someone...
there's always
room to be surprised.
Although in Si's case, I'm
not sure I wanna be surprised.
Look here, boys. Since
I won the paintball war...
hey, I'm gonna
get rid of this doll.
Si, it's an action figure.
No. I'm an action
figure. This is a doll.