Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 5 - Burger Commander - full transcript

♪ Nine plus seven ♪

Sixteen.

Eight times eight. Sixty-four.

Correcto... mundo.

- Nine times nine— - What
happened to your other watch?

The one that didn't beep.

Look, the beep lets
you know it's working.

This is gonna be a long day.

Hey, look here. Every
once in a while, okay...

There's a technological
breakthrough, all right?

It's what we call in the
business a game changer.



They got these things
today, I'm telling you...

You can go deep sea
diving with one, okay?

First there was The Clapper.
You got the Slap Chop...

George Foreman Grill, then you
got this little baby right here, okay?

It tells you all the stuff about
the oxygen content in your tank.

If I'd have had this thing
back in high school...

The depth, okay,
that you can go.

You talking about do some math.

- That watch does that?
- No. This thing here only cost 25 bucks.

It's a calculator.

Hey, I been, like,
Good Will Hunting.

How do you like
those Apple Jacks?

Y'all miss me?

- Did you go to the Creamery?
- Oh, yeah!



I love that place.

I had double cheese
in between each patty.

That place is awesome.
It's just always packed.

Probably what— 400 people
go through there in a day?

They gotta be making a killing. Let's
say you put in a quarter for the bun...

Okay.

- Say you got 75 cents on the meat.
- Okay.

Cheese is...

What else? Lettuce, tomato?

Some paper, the drink.

Si, quit that stupid beeping.

Hey, I'm a math man.

I went to business school, so I have
a fine-tuned ability to assess profit.

Two dollars and
fifty cents per burger.

But the truth is, it
ain't all that hard to

figure out if a business
is gonna make money.

Hey, on a week,
they make $345,632.

- What?
- Them boys are making a killing.

Unless you're Si Robertson.

It's like 15 to 20 million a
year, Si. They're not making...

- They're not making that.
- Well, hey, I told you...

Is it possible you might
have hit the wrong numbers?

Hey, the calculator
does not lie.

All right. Whatever. Y'all
need to get back to work.

- Where are we on this order?
- Hundred calls left.

And how long is it gonna take?

We're close.

It'll take us about two
weeks to get it done.

Si!

Hey, I just calculated it on the
machine. You got a hundred left, okay?

- Get it done.
- Si, it's a hundred duck calls.

Hey, look, don't
blame the machine.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

What are you doing?

I'm working on my newest idea.

Willie's Quack Shack. Awesome
burgers, good sides, good times.

When I see a promising business
opportunity, I can't pass it up.

How hard can it be?

I've known Willie
his entire life.

He's not passing up a burger.

I make the best burger in this town. I just
don't sell 'em. But I should. And I will.

Two words— "early retirement."

In town? You don't make
the best burger in our family.

What?

I got two words for you...

"food poisoning."

- Willie, I make better burgers than you.
- Have you lost your mind?

- No.
- Si, out of this family,
who makes the best burger?

- Phil.
- Besides Phil, who makes the best burger?

Kay.

Cr— All right, between me and
Jase, who makes the best burger?

- I'll have to eat one from both of you.
- Fair enough. I'll take him on.

- In a burger cook-off?
- Yeah.

Jase— - Just because
I don't eat as many...

doesn't mean I don't
know how to cook better.

We gonna do this again?

Burger eating competition?

No question. Willie's your man.

Fine. We'll cook
burgers. Me against you.

But this is a burger
making competition.

Just like old times.

- Oh, Willie's going down.
- Oh, it's on.

I'm like the redneck
Emeril Lagasse.

Bam!

I need to do some market
research anyway. Let's go.

Si, that's not actually in your
own head. We can all hear that.

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.

Hey, look, I put my appointments
in here, okay? And when it beeps...

What? Your appointments?
Nap time and bathroom time?

Hey, an appointment
is an appointment.

Let's go. We gotta
get some supplies.

I'll make an appointment
for the cook-off.

Si, turn that stupid watch off.

So why do you need newspapers?

Ah, Jessica's got some kind
of art project called decoupage.

- What?
- Decoupage.

It's a French word. I
know it sounds kinda dirty.

It's like— It's like
"masticate" or "cockle."

- They're funny words.
- Whatever.

Around here, stuff
tends to pile up...

A lot of what most people
would characterize as junk.

- Whoa.
- So when my son comes rolling in...

and his woman's into a debacockle—
Decacobble—whatever it is...

What do you think? Is that
enough to take care of business?

Yeah, I think this
is plenty, Dad.

And I have to seize
upon the opportunity.

- How much of this stuff do you need?
- Just a bit of it.

Next thing you know, the
pile's not there anymore...

and old Jep's walking
off, you know, sweating.

That's a treasure
trove of paper.

You got a big bunch
of junk is what you got.

Oh, you kidding?

Think about kindling. How many
fires could you start with that?

I've seen my dad try
to set this trap before.

Manufacturing Housing Cost
Guide. You need one of those?

No.

But I came for a few
stacks of newspaper...

- Phone books.
- No.

Find out what someone's
telephone number used to be.

That sounds like
useless information to me.

And that's what I'm
gonna leave with.

- Some encyclopedias there?
- No.

- Pad boxes?
- No.

- Cat litter?
- Do you have cats?

Nah.

I know he ain't
looking to decoupage.

Call it my recycling bin.

Well, it's not a recycling
bin unless you recycle it.

He's looking for a dump truck.

You needed some.
Bingo. Recycled.

This is not recycling, Dad. You
have to take it to the recycling center.

- Recycling center?
- Mm-hmm.

That's a good idea. Load it up.

Well, I mean, not me. I mean,
you should get Jimmy Red...

Jep. That's what
I got you for, Son.

Blood kin. Only way to roll.

Yeah, I don't— I don't like that
policy. I don't wanna do this.

- Don't like the policy?
- No, sir.

So you're looking
for old newspapers.

Man, do I have a sale for you.

You need what I have.

And that is the only
way you're getting 'em.

It's all about
supply and demand.

Get you a wheelbarrow. You
can knock it out in 15 minutes.

No. It's gonna take
a lot longer than that.

Not-Not if you hurry.

Y'all ready?

We don't need baskets.

- How are you gonna carry your groceries?
- That's what women do.

All right, let me just say it.
I don't like grocery stores.

- I'm a man.
- This doesn't say "women" on it.

Hey, it is a grocery purse.

The last thing I'm going to do is to
go get a basket to put my food in.

It's a basket.

Si's right. Yeah. But
it looks good on you.

Jase is trying to get in my
head over this burger cook-off...

just like every
competition we've ever had.

No looking at my ingredients.

- It's a hamburger.
- That's why you're gonna lose.

Jase doesn't have
any secret ingredients.

He just doesn't want me to see
that he has no idea what he's doing.

- I'm gonna get our beef.
- You want me to time you?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- All right, let me get my stopwatch up.

Okay.

The grocery store?
Now this is my domain.

Hey, Jase, why don't you try
to take a shark on in the ocean?

That's what that's like. It's...

A shark in the ocean is
like me in a grocery store.

Willie, we don't
want meat in a tube.

What? It's the same thing, Si.

Yeah, y'all need to move on. I don't
want you seeing what I'm getting.

Let me guess. We're both gonna get
some ground beef. We're making hamburgers.

This is the key ingredient.

Go ahead, Will. Use
your mystery meat.

How's it going today?

Here's the man I'm
looking for right here...

- The butcher.
- All right.

The meat I'm buying...

What I wanna know is
how fresh is this beef?

It requires a full...

Are these free-range
cows or are they in a pen?

Thorough— - Do you
grind this meat up yourself?

Interrogation.

What are you, the
health inspector?

This is what champions do.

I wanna put this
guy on the hot seat.

How long do you have
the meat on the shelf?

Do the cows come from other
states, or are these Louisiana cows?

You know, tighten the sphincter.

If you wanna be a idiot, go ahead.
We're getting our beef and going.

There's no shortcuts
when it comes to winning.

You take the best.

Can you grind up a rib eye?

Oh, yeah, I can grind
you anything you want.

- It'd just be a little more expensive.
- Oh, money's not an obstacle.

- Mm-hmm.
- What are you doing, Godwin?

I'm working on the neck now.

Who eats chicken
in a grocery store?

You can't shop on an empty
stomach. You'll buy the whole store.

Easy.

Man, this is a lot
harder than I thought.

Boy, it's nice to
be young, isn't it?

I wish I was your age, Jep.

I wish you were my age too, so
you could help me do this crap.

Think it's a two-man job.

- Two-man job?
- Yeah.

No.

One thing I tried to
instill in my boys...

In life there's always
risk and rewards.

Remember, the old recycling
caper was your idea, not mine.

- Not really.
- I think it was a terrific idea.

Coming down to the old
homestead— He took a big risk.

You're not even
sweating that much.

But at the end of the
day, it'll pay big rewards.

My underwear is soaked in sweat.

- Really?
- Yes.

For me at least.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

Well, ladies.

Did you get this for me
for my decoupaging?

- Yep.
- That's so sweet.

I don't necessarily know
if I need this much, but...

What do you do on the...
decoplage? How do you do it?

Decoupage. You take cute
little articles and pictures...

and glue 'em down and
put a varnish over 'em.

Oh, I just love old newspapers.

You know, the memories
and just seeing old pictures.

- That's weird, Mom.
- I'm old, Jep. I like old things.

Yeah, but that's just, like,
creepy old woman thing.

- I like old things too.
- Okay.

This decopoosh...

Can you teach me
how to doucupoosh?

Or whatever you call it,
it sounds like really fun.

Decoupage. Yeah!
You could join me.

I love bringing old
things back to life.

You wanna decoplage with me?

Kay, "decoupage."

Deck— Deckipoo?

I know it's French, right?

Duckoplage.

If I hear that word one
more time, I'm fit to throw up.

- Oh, God.
- Isn't he precious?

All aboard the Kay
train. Destination Funville.

I want this one and this one.

Choo, choo.

All right. Okay. Take the
rest, babe. Don't work too hard.

Too late. Stupid decoupage.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to Duck Commander's
first annual burger cook-off!

- Si, why are you yelling?
- Hey, I'm announcing.

Nobody's here. It's just us.

I know. I'm announcing.
I'm getting into it.

- Well, just do it softer.
- Oh, okay. What are you cooking?

I'm calling this my
Willie Super Stack.

Let me guess— it's fattening.

As an older brother, Jase has always
acted like he's better at everything.

I've got the avocado,
cheeses, jalapeño peppers.

Why do you have eggs?

He's a better hunter,
he's a better burger chef.

That's my secret ingredient.

One time he even told me that
he was better at flipping channels.

- Hey, you top anything with a
fried egg— - You're gonna lose.

But I'm confident
in my burger skills.

This time Jase has bitten
off more than he can chew.

See what I did there?

No matter what you
put on your burger, it's

still gonna be meat
that came from a tube.

I got ground-up rib eye.

- What are you using pans for?
- Don't underestimate the value of a pan.

That's so rookie, dude.

- Hey.
- Si!

We got two judges over
here that are hungry.

I'm starving to death.

You just ate an entire chicken.

- How could you be hungry?
- It was a little chicken.

Gentlemen, start your grills.

On your mark— -

get set...

You ready?

Uh-oh.

Si, turn that stupid
watch off. It's distracting.

Hey.

Y'all go ahead and start.

I gotta fix this watch.

'Bout to get it.

This pretty well puts me
out of the recycling business.

I'm getting wore out.

- Well, we're almost done.
- "We're" almost done?

Been a hard day, hasn't it?

Appreciate all your help, Dad.

Most dads would just
ask for their son's help.

My dad is... different.

How come this stinks so bad?

- Ha.
- The paper is thick and wet...

Well, I hate to tell
you this— Rat pee.

But most fathers don't have thousands
of newspapers soaked in rat pee.

Why didn't you tell me this
before? I wouldn't even have done it.

Which is why I waited
till now to tell you.

A chore like that takes
more than just asking.

You don't divulge that kind of
information until the end of the day.

Takes a little "trickanery."

Thanks, Dad. That doesn't
seem very fatherly, but...

Well, don't be touching
your mouth with it.

Rat pee in my
beard. Thanks, Dad.

Best to wash your hand. I mean,
get it full of that rat pee like that...

You get the hantavirus, then
the diarrhea and the rigors.

Most people immune to it
in this part of the country...

but subdivision people, it runs through
them like sauce through a sick cat.

- I live in a subdivision
now— - That's what I'm saying.

You're at a higher risk,
no doubt about that.

I mean, think about it. I'm
looking out for you, you know.

Another life lesson.

Oh, yeah.

- Getting a little too hot.
- Oh, these are looking good!

How's that pan working, Jase?

Oh, it's working like a charm.

- You smell that?
- Nah.

It's the smell of champions.

They both smell like burnt
hamburger meat to me.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Jase, let me borrow one of
your pans. I need to cook this egg.

You were ragging my pan,
and now you wanna borrow it?

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- No.

I got my bacon
grease inside of it.

He wants to share...
in a burger cook-off?

As competitive as Willie is, the
man doesn't understand competition.

- I can use that.
- No.

- No.
- No.

Would Batman give the
Penguin his Batmobile?

You can't use any of my stuff.

Would "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
give King Kong Bundy his 2-by-4?

- Five minutes. Just let me borrow it.
- This is a competition.

Shh— - Would I give a
duck a bulletproof vest?

Of course not.

- Jase— - No.

- No.
- No.

But I wouldn't even be having
a conversation with a duck.

That's it, boys. Time is up.

- Finally. I'm hungry.
- Si, it's not a timed competition.

- You still hungry?
- I'm still hungry.

Hey...

Fine with me. I
know I'm gonna win.

A whole chicken
and a half a cow.

The grill is officially closed.

All right, Kay. So you kind
of just pick out your favorites.

- Cover it with glue.
- Oh, man, this is neat.

And you've gotten
some quiet time...

'cause you know with four
kids, I don't get much quiet time...

So this is kind
of my relaxing...

Look at these cats.

Just like the cats that I
raised when I was young.

Her name was Freckles.

- Decoupage is the perfect way to relax.
- Look at that cute baby.

- You know, Jason was my fattest baby.
- Uh-huh.

- It's quiet— - Willie was thin.

- Really?
- I don't know what happened to him.

It's Zen...

Have you ever heard a crow?

It's like meditating.

Uh, what about football?

Well, it is when I do it alone.

- Did I tell you about that time
in college— - I think you did.

Well, I'll retell it to you
'cause I love that story.

You know what this quiet
project needs? More quiet.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, babe.
- Whoa.

You're tearing up a
perfectly good table here.

We're creating art.

Recycling, decoupage— It's
just a way to get rid of crap.

It takes a lot of
imagination to do this.

Oh, I guarantee you gotta
reach way back in there.

Rat-pee and coon-dung
infested papers...

- Couple of real Picassos.
- It's fun.

Yeah, let's cut them out, paste them
on a table and then let's eat off of 'em.

Now that is really a
way to occupy your time.

Course on the plus side, I
did get a shed cleaned out.

- So, Phil, how'd your day go?
- Jep and I have bonded.

Oh, I'm so glad. I've been
wanting that to happen for years.

We need to find
better ways to bond.

Hey, Jep, maybe you'd help your
mom get that table into the shed there.

Crap.

There you go, boys. That's
the Willie Super Stack.

That is a mountain o' beef.

It's probably a
couple of pounds.

I've created the ultimate
burger. It's got everything on it.

- That's a big burger.
- Course it is.

You're a big man
with a healthy appetite.

When these guys taste this thing, they're
gonna forget all about the Creamery.

I don't know how to attack it.

Just climb up on top of it,
fat boy, and do your business.

It's never good to
insult the judges.

Fat people can call other
people fat. That's okay.

I would like to present
to you the winning burger.

Ooh.

All right. Let's start
with my burger first.

- Let's see right here.
- Dig in there. Just get on in it.

There's too much going on.

What is your problem,
man? Eat the burger.

Where do you grab the thing?
You should've put a handle on it.

Too much? There's no such
thing as too much of a good thing.

- You overdid it, as usual.
- You're a terrible judge.

Look, let's face it. Nobody really
wants to give the boss a trophy.

Martin, watch. This is how a man picks
up a frickin' giant burger and eats it.

But that sure as crap
ain't gonna stop Godwin.

- Get it on there, Godwin.
- Ah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

- Why did you squeeze it like it was
a— - I couldn't open my mouth that big!

Freakin' gorilla claws here.

That's not a hamburger.
That's hamburger soup.

Nice one.

Clearly, this is gonna
be a landslide victory.

Now it's time to try my burger.

The Jase burger—
It's a lot like me.

See, look. It's easily handled.

- It's not real fancy.
- Yeah, 'cause it's burnt.

Doesn't have a
lot of fat content.

That looks like it came
out of the Sahara desert.

Simple? Perhaps.
But there's the beauty.

Hey. Mmm?

- Yeah.
- Hit me with it.

What?

- What are you doing?
- I think it's just a hair overcooked.

Maybe it was that meat—
Didn't have enough fat in it.

Yeah, it had zero fat, you
idiot. You gotta have fat in it.

Now wait a minute. Let
Godwin have a try. What about it?

No, you ain't getting my— -

You ain't getting none of my
tea, son. Hey, what's your vote?

They both lose. Ain't
either one of them edible.

- Si, you gonna try it?
- No.

Hey, this body's my temple. I
ain't putting that crap in this temple.

Yeah. Well, that was stupid.

Let's go to the Creamery
and get some real burgers.

- I'm down with that.
- I'm paying.

- I'm gonna time us.
- Si...

Get ready, get set, go!

- All right!
- All right! Here we go.

We finally got a real burger.

- A burger, baby.
- All right. Y'all bow.

Father, thank you for
another day on planet Earth.

Thank you for this good
food. I pray we do two things...

Love you more each
day and love each other.

- Amen.
- Amen.

In the business world, the end
result tends to be all that matters.

A product can be made of the best
parts but turn out like crap in the end...

like mine and Jase's burgers.

Or it can be made out of crap
but turn out great in the end...

like the decoupage table.

In the family world though, what
matters most ain't the end result.

It's the fun you
have getting there.

Or in Uncle Si's case, timing
how long it takes to get there.

345,615 seconds.

Si!