Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 4 - From Duck 'til Dawn - full transcript

Quiet. Quiet.

- I'm about to make my shot here.
- Throw it!

Hey! I'm trying to
concentrate here!

Quiet!

- Oh.
- Terrible.

- That's a point.
- No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. That's two.

Si, you do understand the
purpose of this game, don't you?

- What?
- Make it into the hole.

Shh! Hey!

- Here we go.
- Kill that goat, Si!



Yes, he's a ram. Get
him, goat. Get him!

Get back. Get back.

Uh-oh.

What are y'all doing?
Why ain't y'all working?

- Taking a break.
- All right. Well, look.

The truck's gonna be
here at 9:00 in the morning.

Make sure you
have the order ready.

We'll have it. This
party's just getting started.

- It never gets old.
- What is that?

- A goat.
- Why are you a goat?

- It's an inside joke.
- I get it. I get the goat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know the guys think that
I'm the freakin' party police.



You don't think I wanna play
around every once in a while...

and have inside jokes
involving sounding like a goat?

Of course I do. I
wanna be in the loop.

Get him, goat. Get
him. Get him, goat.

I can make a goat sound.

Pitiful.

Yeah.

The point is, we gotta get the
order done. Then we can play.

Make sure you
have the order ready.

We're gonna get it done.
We're charging our battery.

It's called time management.

Well, if you managed your time better,
you wouldn't have to stay up here so late.

- It's just more fun, man.
- Really fun.

Every so often, we'll
have a big order come in...

so we'll have to pull an
all-nighter to get the job done.

It's an all-nighter, baby.

♪ All night long ♪

What is that?

It's kind of an inside joke.

And it's actually
more fun than usual...

because it's easier to maintain the
monotony of putting together duck calls...

when you're a little loopy.

You make sure that truck's loaded
up. I don't care how late you stay up.

Oh, we'll load the truck.

- That's a point.
- All right. Get it done.

Get him, goat.

You just got goated!

- What is that?
- It's an inside joke.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

All right, girls. The first
thing we have to do...

is clean our nails
before we get ready.

Let me see yours again.

Your nails are longer than
mine. They're beautiful.

Who is that?

- Your husband.
- Don't strike a match in here.

- What's that smell, Miss Kay?
- It's nail polish and nail polish remover.

Whew! That'll rot your brain.

God gave humans fingernails.

They are remarkably
productive if used properly.

Now don't breathe this in.

Do you know why, Priscilla, you
don't wanna breathe those fumes?

You ever seen a dead
animal in the road?

That's the way
your brain will look.

Oh, looky here. I
got a thorn. Bingo.

Like a pair of
pliers. Fingernails.

Don't call our grandkids
roadkill, please.

Just their brain.

Or they can be used to catch a
stray booger from time to time.

I don't wanna be roadkill.

When you have a chemical concoction
that you're putting on your fingernails...

I would be a little suspect of moving
that fingernail toward a stray booger.

Well, I'm getting out of here,
ladies, before my brain melts.

- Is my brain really gonna melt?
- No. It's not gonna melt.

Miss Kay, when you taking these
little girls home to their mamas?

Probably in a little while.

- We wanna stay.
- We wanna stay.

Please? Please?

- Please, please, please—
- Phil, they're begging.

It's been my observation that a sleepover
at Mamaw and Papaw's never has much sleep.

We never get to stay with you.

- I've been down this road plenty of times.
- Pretty please?

Now they're going to ask
like sweet little angels...

- Please?
- Trying to get Miss Kay to cave in.

- Please?
- Trust me. It ain't gonna happen.

Nah. Y'all better go home.

You got to be firm about
it, no matter what they say.

No!

- You little rascals.
- Please, please, please?

These little girls, they
will try to flatter you.

- You have the best beard in the world.
- They try to convince you.

- Who's the greatest hunter you ever met?
- You.

They will say
all sorts of stuff.

- Who's a great fisherman?
- You.

- Who's a great cook?
- Mamaw Kay.

But in the end, the
answer's always the same.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Okay.

I give in.

So look. Here's the deal.
Y'all promise to be quiet?

- Yes.
- Yes. Yes.

- They promise.
- All right. So you can have the sleepover.

Yep. That didn't last long.

We gonna have fun
all night long, ain't we?

So what about the one where he
makes torpedoes out of fire extinguishers?

Not near as good as the one...

where he takes the two candlesticks and
a car battery and makes a defibrillator.

Classic MacGyver.

Sometimes at lunch, we reminisce
about old TV shows we used to watch.

Today's topic: MacGyver.

The best one was when he made
a stethoscope and cracked a safe.

No. That wasn't nothing.

Everybody knows MacGyver—
Hey, he was the ultimate redneck.

Kinda like me.

Look, I MacGyver
stuff all the time.

You need a weapon, give me a
flip-flop and Big League Chew.

- What are you doing?
- I'm concentrating this UV light...

That's not UV light, Si.

Oh, yeah, it is. Yeah.

You need a laser? Give me six
toothbrushes and a pair of sunglasses.

That's MacSi-ver.

You need a grilled cheese sandwich?
Hey, look, all I need is a lamp, Jack.

Well, plus the cheese.

And the bread.

But still.

I can see this is
gonna take a while.

What's up? What's up?

Oh, man. Boy, you just
missed a humdinger.

- What are y'all doing?
- We're talking about MacGyver.

- I love MacGyver.
- What's your favorite episode?

Um...

There's so many.

The ones he... did stuff.

- Classic MacGyver.
- Mm-hmm.

- So tonight, should I
bring anything or— - Hmm?

I wanna come up here
tonight. Stay with y'all.

What for?

Pull an all-nighter.
Y'all need some help.

- No, we got it.
- No, we got it.

We can do the goat.

Godwin, do the goat. Do it.

We're off the goat. We're
on to the 18-wheeler.

No.

It's borderline embarrassing.

The real reason Willie
is volunteering his help...

is because he feels
like the odd man out.

What are you, a Weed Eater?

- It's an eight— It's like a car.
- No.

If Willie wants to be
a part of the group...

then all he needs to do is
contribute something worthwhile.

What about horses?

It just starts to get a little weird
when someone is trying so hard.

I'll see you tonight.

Crash!

Well, as usual, 'bout the time we
start having some fun around here...

Willie wants to crash the party.

Classic Willie.

Si, you'd better take it
easy on them Pixy Stix.

No. This here's
my energy booster.

It's my fuel.

The key to the all-nighter is...

you gotta keep it
on an even keel.

- What are you making, Si?
- Pixy Stick cocktail.

- How many of those have you drank?
- Four or five of 'em.

Before there was
energy drinks...

Yow!

Soda and coffee,
there was Pixy Stix.

You keep that up,
you gonna crash, Si.

Not while I'm
flying on this, I ain't.

Hey, it's all about my
relation with these Pixy Stix.

And you don't wanna
overdo it. If you do that...

you're gonna be wandering the
streets looking for your next Pixy fix.

I don't see how you got
any teeth in your head.

- He doesn't.
- They gone.

You got a few
hanging on for dear life.

Oh, man. What's
up? What's so funny?

Uh, well...

What was the joke?

You gotta feel sorry for Willie.

You missed it. You had
to be here on that one.

The guy wanted to
be a part of the group.

Well done.

The problem is having him around here,
it's like having your mom at the prom.

Pixy Stix are funny.

Mmm.

I don't know what to say.

It's cramping my style.

Y'all need me to do something?

You can go get me
another box of Pixy Stix.

I'm not here to go get
y'all crap. I'm here to work.

We got this worked out. Si's
got the reeds, we got the calls.

I don't— -

What in the world was that?

That's some kind of bird.

It ain't a bird, Si.

And he must be dying.

I can't deal with that.

Look, I make duck calls all day.

My ears are finely
tuned instruments.

Y'all gotta do
something about that.

All right. Everybody calm down.

So when I hear a sound
that's particularly unpleasant...

Check the battery.

We'll solve this
problem right now.

I gotta put a stop to it.

- Problem solved.
- Thank goodness.

Battery out of it? All right.

Stupid thing.

- What?
- Uh-oh. Wrong one.

- It's the one out in the warehouse.
- All right. I gotta go fix that.

I'll go with you.

No. I-I got this.

I ain't sitting in here
with these ding-dongs.

I got one for you—a goat almost
getting run over by an 18-wheeler. Go.

Simon says touch your nose.

Simon says howl
like Bobo and J.J.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

When does the sleep
part kick in here?

Tomorrow night?

All right. Now look here.
I'll make a deal with you.

Now I'll tell you a
real scary story...

Yeah.

And you'll sleep like a
baby once you hear it.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's either
come up with a story...

or listen to Simon Says for
four hours, so I'm thinking...

I'll come up with a story.

- A ghost story?
- Scarier than a ghost story.

A zombie?

More scary than a zombie.

A zombie and a
vampire and a ghost?

The key to telling a scary story—
Throw a little realism in there.

When I tell you the
story, you go to bed, right?

Yeah.

- Yes.
- It's a deal. Kay, get the light.

I'm thinking, "Hey, at
least it'll shut 'em up."

It's a good thing.

Once upon a time,
a long time ago...

I was in the dark woods,
and I hear this sound.

It sounded like an animal.

A big animal.

And I could hear, like,
growls, and there were grunts.

Was it bigfoot?

I didn't know at the time.

But whatever it is, it
sounds very, very bad.

So I get my gun ready...

and you know what it was?

- What was it?
- What was it?

It was Uncle Si.

And when he walked out of the bushes,
there was barf all over his hunting jacket.

Persimmons mixed with bad
meat loaf all on the front of his shirt.

- Ew!
- Gross.

- Gross? It was scary.
- It's like a monster vomit monster.

So y'all ready to
go to sleep now?

No!

Well, it's my bedtime,
whether it is y'all's or not.

Simon told Papaw
Phil to go to bed.

Simon says never mix meat loaf
and persimmons at the same time.

This is awesome.

Classic all-nighter.

♪ I wanna stay
at work all night ♪

♪ And work some
more the next day ♪

There's actually a serious competition
going on in the warehouse tonight.

Are you finished?

- Yeah.
- That's worse than the chirp...

It's between Willie and the smoke
detector for the title of most annoying.

I have solved the problem.

You hear that?

Sweet sound of silence.

Nope. It's...

How many are there
in this warehouse?

A ton of 'em.

God, please let this be the one.

I think this is it.

- Oh.
- Is that it?

- Oh, that's it.
- Thank goodness.

The whole reason I even volunteered
to be part of this all-nighter...

is because the next day they
tell all these awesome stories.

Man, I just wanna
smash this thing.

Yeah, I know it.

But instead, this night
was about as much fun as...

well, tracking down a
chirping smoke detector.

Why do you keep yawning?

I— I'm fine.

Honestly, I'm just tired and ready
for this fun all-nighter to be over with.

All-nighter rookie
is what you are.

Mm-hmm.

We have found the suspect.

Wasn't from a lack of looking.

I'll take care of that.

Have you lost your mind?

Don't smash a perfectly
good, working— -

Whew. That felt good.

Are you through?

Yeah.

We went to hunt the
smoke detector to silence it.

Dude, I had a limited
warranty on this.

Now the smashing—
That was for me.

- You owe me for a new smoke detector.
- What are you talking about?

I said I wanna smash
it. You said go ahead.

I wanted to, but I
wouldn't actually do it.

I'm not a catch-and-release guy.

It wasn't working right.
That's why I killed it.

As a hunter, I think this is one of
the most enjoyable kills I've ever had.

There was nothing wrong
with it. It was the battery.

You gotta be all
serious like a C.E.O.

Look...

Man, you need to stick to your desk,
leave the all-nighters to people like me.

Yeah, well, I'm taking
it off your paycheck.

Let's put this back
together and show the boys.

Oh, I killed it. Dead.

One more story, then
y'all going to bed, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, let's see.

Once upon a time, there
was this beautiful princess.

She was a looker...

like them chicks on The Weather
Channel, you know what I'm saying?

Well, somewhere
about on story 17...

Miss Kay had left the premises.

Last thing you
wanna let happen...

when you're telling stories
to your granddaughters...

Everything's quiet in the
kingdom. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Is you be the last
storyteller standing.

What are y'all doing awake?

Papaw Phil was
telling us a story.

Well, he's not telling one now.

Can we pull a trick on him?

I got just the thing.

Oh, quiet. Shh.

Go, girl.

What...

- What are you doing?
- It's whipped cream.

Have y'all gone crazy? Huh?

I'll get you little boogers.

You like it, J.J.?

I love sleepovers.

We're almost done, boys.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir, baby.
- Yes, sir.

Y'all noticed when me and Si show
up, the merchandise starts to roll.

Y'all called in the
big guns here today.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Y'all can get off the "Yes,
sir." Just call me "Yes" or "No."

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.
- Guys have got "Yes, sir" on the brain.

It's kind of an inside joke.

There he is.

- You were zonked out last night.
- God.

- Did everybody go to sleep?
- No. It was an all-nighter.

For a guy who wanted to
be a part of our all-nighter...

and get in on all
our inside jokes...

All right. Did you
get the job done?

Yes, sir, we did.

Groucho.

Willie missed out on a
few key developments...

while he was snoozing.

Hey, show me the eyebrows
one time. Do it like he does it.

Do your eyebrows.

- What are you talking about?
- Up and down.

Kind of like that movie
Nightmare on Elm Street.

Hey, there, Groucho.

Why do you keep
calling me Groucho?

- No reason.
- I'm not being grouchy.

You look it.

When you fall asleep,
bad things happen.

Have you looked at
yourself in the mirror?

No.

You might oughta check out the way
you look and then get back with me.

Check yourself out there, buddy.

Yes, sir, baby!

Yes, sir!

I'd like to say I'm surprised...

but when you employ a
bunch of 12-year-olds like I do...

You snooze, you lose.

Let me tell you something,
this better come off my face.

Hey, that is a
permanent Magic Marker.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

You come to expect
juvenile behavior.

It wouldn't be funny
if it would come off.

Very funny. Very mature.

Hey, you gotta admit
you look pretty good.

And that's exactly why I
should have never ever, ever...

let them talk me into
this stupid all-nighter.

The first one that
goes to sleep...

- Gets the heat.
- Gets the baby!

Hmm?

What does that even mean?

"He who sleeps gets the baby"?

- I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you did.

You definitely said, "He
who sleeps gets the baby."

- No. I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you just said it.

All right. Y'all finish this up.

I gotta go get this crap off my face
before the girls get here with breakfast.

Good luck, Groucho.

Hey, I got a belt
sander you can use.

My famous French toast, guys.

- Mmm!
- Good thinking, Miss Kay.

All right. Y'all bow.

Father, we believe you created
planet Earth. We really do.

Thank you for this meal and all these
Robertsons gathered up here at the table.

Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

People always say be careful what
you wish for. You might just get it.

Lucky for us, Robertsons
have extremely thick skin...

so it doesn't matter if
you end up being the

butt of the jokes you
want to be a part of...

or your scary story plan backfires
into some whipped cream in your face.

You have to find the
humor underneath.

As long as everyone, including
you, gets a good laugh at it...

the wish wasn't
completely wasted.

I'm outta here.