Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 3 - Life of Si - full transcript
After seeing footage Jep shot using a GoPro, Si decides he wants to use the camera to record a day in his life. But when Si gets on the guys nerves while they're hunting, they kick him and his GoPros out of the blind.
Check out this endo right
here. Look at that. Foo!
- Look at this. Foo!
- Whoa!
- You see that?
- That was some air there.
- What is an endo?
- It's a trick, dude.
I wish this video would endo.
I wish you would
endo your face into a...
Oh. Good one, Jep.
- Hey. What are y'all doing?
- Watching Jep's movie.
- Hey. Calm down, son.
- What's goin' on, boy?
- Here, take a seat.
- Check this out, Si.
How awesome is that?
- That is all right.
- All right? Si, that's dumb.
No. Hey, that's
impressive camera work.
Hey, look, I admit it. I don't
know much about technology.
- Who done the filming for you?
- I did this myself.
No.
That's why it's always good to
have a techno nerd like Jep around.
- You look like a nerd, dude.
- It's called mini cams.
Hey, that's pretty cool.
If you need advice on how to set
the clock on your VCR, hey, call Jep.
Look. See, everywhere I look's
being filmed. Quit doing that.
Even if you need to record something
on your VCR, hey, Jep's the man to call.
- How steady is that?
- It's steady. Quit!
If you need a new VCR, he'll
go down to Circuit City with you.
Hey, he'll help you
pick out the best one.
Here's what I'm thinking: Looking at the
world through the eyes of Si Robertson.
The life of Si.
It's like a
duck-umentary. Get it?
A duck-umentary.
- Get it?
- No.
Trust me on this. Nobody wants
to see the world through Si's eyes.
There you go.
There we go. Turn this
sucker on if I'm gonna film.
It's like looking at
one of those inkblots.
You never really know
exactly what you're looking at.
All right. Y'all go ahead, boys.
What are you doing?
Welcome to the world of Si.
Cut! Take five for a tea break.
Tea break!
- This is gonna get real old fast.
- Nah.
This is gonna be
what they call a classic.
I created a monster.
I'm gonna win the
Pulitzer Prize on this.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Done.
Y'all gonna stack
'em on this pallet?
- We're finished with this.
- Get on there and I'll ride you.
All right. Take it slow.
I'm ready to go hunting.
I don't wanna be injured
before I go hunting.
Where are these other clowns?
I'm ready to go kill something.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's deer season. Let's do this.
Whenever hunting
season rolls around, let's
just say it's pretty
difficult to focus on work.
Well, you got you a
glorified sled dog there.
- Mush!
- You need a whip.
- People get a little bit antsy.
- Watch, watch— Hey, hey, hey!
That's our order.
But then again, anytime you got
Godwin around, it just gets flat-out weird.
Weird and dangerous.
Here we go. That's all I— Hey!
This is a dog pulling a horse.
Uh-huh.
Look out. Hey. That's all of it.
What in the world?
Hey.
Gentlemen, I present Si-Vision.
Boy, this day just got weird.
From this moment on, okay,
hey, the truth will be known.
Nobody's gonna be able to look at Si
Robertson again with a crooked eye...
and say, "Hey, that
guy's head ain't on right."
Do not forget it's all live.
I've got one camera looking at me, so
you can see my reactions to everything.
Through my eyes,
okay, the worldview.
And then I got another
one on my chest...
where you can see what a
shorter version of me sees.
I'm recording and
filming everything you do.
- Be careful, boys.
- Oh, good grief.
Hey, I'm part Six Million Dollar
Man and I'm part RoboCop.
Where in the world
did you find that helmet?
Hey, Uncle Sam
gave me this helmet...
and the only thing I had to
do for it was go to Vietnam.
And if I'd have had this sucker then, I'd
have had the greatest war movie ever.
Gunships coming in
with all cannons firing.
Bombs bursting everywhere. Monkeys
running everywhere, blowing up.
Just...
Si!
Can we go hunting now, or are we gonna
sit around and talk about what happened...
Or what didn't happen—
In the Vietnam War?
Yeah, we can, but
first I gotta take a leak.
Hey, turn that camera
off. Push that button on top.
No. Life is an adventure.
Okay? And this is part of it.
This is turning
into a horror flick.
No. It's an adventure.
It's one adventure
I don't wanna see.
Yes, this is my
favorite commercial.
It's out of control.
- What's up?
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- I just heard the best news of the week.
- What?
- Kevin's family has got the stomach flu.
- Great.
- All right. That is not good news.
Hold on. They can't
go to the LSU game...
so three tickets
just came available.
Oh, I can't believe this. Holla!
We're going to the game.
Let me explain something to you.
LSU games around here are huge.
And because they're
always sold out...
everyone's dying to
go to the game live.
We were just gonna go to Anna
Catherine's house and watch it.
- But— - A bunch of friends
are going over there too.
Good. They'll be really excited
when they see you on TV at the game.
I'm just glad that I can include my
kids and make this a family outing.
Can we bring some friends?
Three tickets, John Luke.
What about Cole?
I'd better make some
more room on the mantel...
because I can see a
father-of-the-year award coming soon.
Just please don't embarrass us. Like,
do not wear your LSU furry tiger hat.
Are you kidding me? Whatever.
Meet me in the car. ♪♪
- You're supposed to say, "Go, Tigers!"
- Go, Tigers.
All right, that's pathetic, but don't
worry. We can work on it all the way down.
Korie, where's my LSU cheese,
bean and dip combination tray?
What is taking Si so long?
He's been in there forever.
Well, he's old, you know? Takes
a while to get the pipes going.
How would you know?
You've never watched
The Golden Girls?
Remember Stanley, Dorothy's ex?
You know, he made a joke about it.
Jep is my younger brother. So
being that there's an age difference...
sometimes I can't tell if our
differences are strictly age related.
I love that show.
Maybe just the pine cone
fell that far from the tree.
You don't like The Golden
Girls, I don't like you.
Okay.
Either way, when you start
talking about The Golden Girls...
and applying it to life...
you're becoming my
most distant relative.
In goes the good tea,
out goes the bad tea.
Besides Si. Because he's
in a galaxy far, far away.
Look here. All right.
Good-bye, toilet. Hello, sink.
What we're gonna
do here, okay...
is I'm gonna show you
the life of a man, okay...
If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
clean and be neat. Wipe the seat.
And his day-to-day
struggles in today's world.
Oh, come on. No
paper towels, as usual.
And you might ask
"Just who is that man?"
Si Robertson.
Si Robertson!
Hey, know what I mean?
This is all nonfiction, Jack.
Hey, look, you can't
make this stuff up.
Y'all ready to go hunting?
Yes!
- Well, let's go.
- Come on.
- Let me get my rifle.
- What's going on here?
I feel like we're going
hunting with Inspector Gadget.
Lights, camera, action.
What's the deal with this road?
Can we not build
a better road here?
It's fine. Stay
positive. Go, Tigers.
Even though the kids and I are
on the way to the LSU game...
With free tickets, mind you...
Who's pumped up?
I'm getting the feeling that John Luke
and Sadie are about as excited as...
♪♪
And to top it off,
we're running a little bit
behind because of
some minor traffic issues.
The next 58 miles of road work?
Are you sure we're gonna make it?
Just a little road
construction. No problem.
As long as I stay positive
and stay at a decent speed...
we'll get there
with time to spare.
Heck, we'll probably even get
a chance to tailgate a little bit.
Oh, this traffic.
Dad, I'm getting hungry.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- I don't think we're gonna make it.
- Nope. We're gonna make it.
Coming in.
One thing for sure, I
like to get to the games...
before they take the hot
cheese for the nachos away.
I'll tell you my philosophy on
traffic. It's called the weave.
Time to call an audible.
In and out, in and
out, in and out.
Who came up with liquid cheese?
For some reason it always feels wrong at a
gas station, but right at a football game.
Trying to get to the
game here, people.
You're going as fast as I am.
Just gotta stay positive. Keep
thinking of that hot nacho cheese.
- We're getting off.
- What are you doing?
I remember a little shortcut.
Good. Anything's
better than this.
Back road. Road less traveled.
Here we are in
the great outdoors.
All right, nature's playground.
And I gotta tell the folks
back home what's going on.
You realize that's
not hooked up to a
satellite. Nobody's
watching that right now.
Oh, they will be though.
Here's the deal, all right? All
the exposition is out of the way.
Now we're going
for the action shots.
Bumblebee? I'll blow that sucker
out of there if he gets close to my ear.
Well, you need to calm
down. We in the woods.
I'm excited, okay? This
is my first epic war movie.
I know I said it was gonna be
a documentary about my life.
No. Now it's turning
into a war movie.
I thought you said you
were making a documentary.
Documentary is
kinda boring, okay?
Every good filmmaker
knows you gotta be flexible.
- Know what I'm talking about?
- No.
You don't get to be a great filmmaker like
Joe Schumacher until you learn that one.
Through your eyes,
it's a deer hunt.
Through my eyes, hey,
it's an epic war movie.
This is a dangerous place
we're at in here, okay?
This man is nuts.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Charlie's around,
monkeys around.
Hey, what are y'all
laughing about?
Si, we're deer hunting.
This is not a war movie.
Hey, there's a lot of dangerous
things out in these woods.
Si, we're not gonna kill
anything if you keep on...
Anacondas are slithering
everywhere in the grass.
- Si, are you gonna do this the whole time?
- I'm excited, okay?
Y'all go make your epic
war movie over there.
- I'm going this way.
- Me too.
- You boys ready?
- Si, will you shut up?
Y'all go ahead. I'm
slipping behind you.
They're moving
slowly and stealthily...
Two intrepid deer hunters
after their wary prey.
- Si.
- What?
- Shh.
- Okay, I'll whisper. Go ahead.
There's fixing to be a
kidnapping on this hunt.
It's looking good, guys.
In 50 feet, make a U-turn.
God! These stupid
things never work.
- Recalculating.
- "Recalculating."
- We are so lost.
- Recalculating.
Nope. Not lost. I have a
good idea of where we are.
I just— I can't quite
remember the next turn.
Your destination
is on the right.
When we started the trip, I
was really excited for the game.
- Come on.
- "Recalculating."
- Recalculating.
- John Luke, I got it.
But there's no bigger buzzkill than
being lost in the middle of nowhere.
Why can't she say something normal
like, "Hold on a sec. I'll figure it out"?
But I gotta keep my spirits
up for the sake of the kids.
- "You are completely lost."
- Recalculating.
Shut up.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not talking to you, John Luke.
- I'm talking to the GPS.
- In 100 feet, turn right.
I'm pulling over.
Go, Tigers.
Yay.
- What are you doing?
- Trying to get a signal.
I don't think it
works like that.
What's up, bro? Go, Tigers!
- Recalculating.
- "Recalculating."
John Luke, that's
enough of that crap.
We could've just kept driving
and waited for some signals.
I wanna keep...
- Recalculando.
- Crap.
- "Recalculating."
- Girar a la izquierda.
Recalculando.
This sucks. I'm just gonna
use the sun to navigate.
The sun's directly over us.
- You gonna walk to the game?
- Recalculating.
Hey, look here.
Speak into my chest...
and let's get it
off of your chest.
Bring the real Jason
Robertson forward.
This whole Si and the
camera— It's getting out of hand.
- Tell me about your inner feelings.
- I don't share my feelings with a madman.
Look, see? That's your problem.
Treat me like I'm Oprah, okay?
Once you start comparing yourself
to Oprah, things get uncomfortable...
Just like a nature calling
amongst a cactus thicket.
You can do this. I know you can,
son. Hey, I'm trying to help you out here.
You want me to open up and
tell you what my problem is?
I'll tell you what the
problem is. You are.
- I wanna shoot this deer.
- And I'm trying to film it.
Well, point that camera over
here, 'cause I'm gonna shoot him.
Look, we're set up.
- Are you challenging me?
- We're loaded.
- Yeah, I'm challenging you.
- We've got the trail in view.
I've killed more deer
than you've seen.
Bull butter.
Look, all you boys need to
do when he steps out there...
is do y'all's part.
This is just like Vietnam.
This deer is gonna be a monster.
Y'all mow him down.
Cut him down with
a wall of steel. Hey!
Hey, did he shoot a dinosaur?
I had baked beans last
night, boys. Vietnam special.
- This ain't gonna work.
- I concur.
What are you doing?
Si.
- You need to get outta here.
- What do you mean?
You need to go make your war
movie out there and let us hunt.
You have been ostracized
from the deer blind.
- Oh. So that's the way y'all are?
- Yeah.
Okay. All right. I don't have to sit here
and take all this crap. I'm outta here.
I blame myself.
I'm blaming you too.
This deer hunting movie
turned into a survival movie.
That's what happens when
your comrades desert you.
- Si, we still hear you.
- Hey, knuckleheads, y'all pipe down.
I'm trying to make the
greatest war movie ever.
Okay, Dad, we've definitely
passed that barn before.
Crap.
I mean, how did this happen?
- Well, you took a wrong turn— -
Rhetorical question, John Luke.
- You should not have taken a road—
- Means it doesn't need an answer.
I'm getting real hungry.
This little situation here reminds me
of that classic LSU-Arkansas game.
All right, this ain't good.
- We're really lost, huh?
- Uh...
Here's the heavily favored
Tigers down in the fourth quarter.
Dad, I'm getting real hungry.
Well, we can get something
at the game if they're still open.
All hope looked to be lost.
But you know what happened next?
- Roadkill. That's always nice.
- Hey, I'm starving.
They mounted an epic comeback.
But still lost.
That sucked.
Why don't we just pull over on the
side of the road and cook our own food?
If there's any chance of seeing any of
the game, we gotta get straight there.
Dad, I think that
ship has sailed.
- Y'all wanna bail?
- I wouldn't call it that, but...
- But yes.
- I'm in.
I'm man enough to admit
that this trip is a disaster.
But I have to show my kids that when
life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
We'll be bail-gaters.
- Get it?
- Get it.
And right now I could use one
of them lemon squeezer deals...
'cause I got enough lemons to...
I got a lot of lemons.
Lots of lemons.
- How many hot dogs you want, John Luke?
- - Ten.
- Ten?
- Ooh.
Phil, why do you think that dogs
don't have middle names like people?
Well, I never thought about it.
I think Bobo needs
a middle name.
- Do you wanna be an Edgar?
- Call him what you always call him.
You go to changing the name
when he's about two years old...
- he's gonna get all confused of who he is.
- Jesse Edgar Robertson.
He's thinking, "You
wanna change my name...
next thing you know, they'll put a
bullet in my head or something."
You've overreacted as usual.
It ain't gonna be stupid.
It's gonna be a great movie.
- Good grief.
- What in the world is that?
- Well, that deer hunt was a bust.
- Hmm.
I wonder why.
Nothing surprises you
anymore coming out of Silas.
Si, what's that get-up
supposed to do?
I'm doing a movie.
Whew.
But we're not quite used
to things like army helmets...
with cameras poking
out in front of him.
- Who wrote the script?
- Me.
- Who filmed it?
- Me.
- Who's gonna edit it?
- Hey, me.
Well, I'll look forward to that.
Hi-tech equipment
strapped on Silas's head.
Looks like you're fixed to
touch a button and explode...
and kill everybody around you.
- Nah.
- Scares you.
- What's it called?
- For Your Eyes Only.
Catchy title, right?
- No.
- Oh, yeah.
Si, that's a James Bond movie.
No, it ain't no
James Bond movie.
Yes, it is. For Your Eyes Only.
Boom!
Hey, this is important.
Trust me on this.
Get in quick and get
out. You leave no trail.
What's this fella's
name? Double agent?
Silas Robertson.
Never heard of him.
Hand me that gun. I've
always been a ladies' man.
I've got laser-sharp focus.
Give 'em a kiss for
me. A kiss of death.
I think I was sabotaged.
I'm in a jungle.
I don't like being involved
on a mission where we fail.
Si Robertson.
That was James Bond.
For Your Eyes Only
Through My Eyes.
The way this is all
coming together, okay,
this is shaping up to
be an instant classic.
I know it just went over
y'all boys' head, okay?
- Oh, yeah. It did.
- This is "technocal."
But now on to the real hard
part— Finding the perfect ending.
It's kind of confusing,
Si. No offense.
Hey, look, this will still be
the greatest movie ever, okay?
Hmm.
You gotta have a
twist at the end of it.
Bam! You got 'em.
Hey, you're gonna be
the end of the movie.
Look right here in the camera and tell
me your most embarrassing moment. Hey.
What are you doing?
Thinking I possibly
could be on your movie...
That's the most embarrassing
moment I've ever had.
Nah. Give me the most
embarrassing moment.
- If you don't get that camera off me,
I'm gonna take this ax to that camera.
- You ain't gonna break the camera.
- This ax will break it.
- I'd like to see you try.
- Well, hey— - Don't-Don't
break my camera.
You need to turn that mess off,
Si, and get back down to reality.
Let's go to dinner,
forget all this nonsense.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Come on, J.J. Let's go eat.
- Going to dinner?
- Yeah.
- Y'all don't wanna watch the movie?
- No!
- What do you mean, no?
- No.
Hey, you got a VCR?
You hear that? We got
the AM radio back up.
- Yeah.
- Now we can listen to the fourth quarter.
- Awesome.
- See? Everything's looking good.
♪♪
Go, Tigers!
♪♪
Go, Tigers!
♪♪ Go, Tigers!
♪♪
LSU!
Still iffy about that one.
Father, we thank you for the Son
of man who rescued us from sin.
For that we are grateful.
We honor you for it.
It's through him I pray. Amen.
Amen.
Making decisions
is a big part of life...
and knowing when to give up on a
goal is a really tough decision to make.
The thing is, if you're
too focused on one goal...
you could miss out on a lot
of good stuff along the way...
Like spending some
quality time with your kids...
or getting the kill
shot on a big buck.
Ultimately, life is
about balance...
Pursuing your goals,
chasing your dreams.
But don't forget to appreciate
what you have right at this moment...
because sometimes it's the
little things that mean the most.
Like eating from an LSU
bean, cheese and dip tray.
"Recalculating."
Oh, here we go.
here. Look at that. Foo!
- Look at this. Foo!
- Whoa!
- You see that?
- That was some air there.
- What is an endo?
- It's a trick, dude.
I wish this video would endo.
I wish you would
endo your face into a...
Oh. Good one, Jep.
- Hey. What are y'all doing?
- Watching Jep's movie.
- Hey. Calm down, son.
- What's goin' on, boy?
- Here, take a seat.
- Check this out, Si.
How awesome is that?
- That is all right.
- All right? Si, that's dumb.
No. Hey, that's
impressive camera work.
Hey, look, I admit it. I don't
know much about technology.
- Who done the filming for you?
- I did this myself.
No.
That's why it's always good to
have a techno nerd like Jep around.
- You look like a nerd, dude.
- It's called mini cams.
Hey, that's pretty cool.
If you need advice on how to set
the clock on your VCR, hey, call Jep.
Look. See, everywhere I look's
being filmed. Quit doing that.
Even if you need to record something
on your VCR, hey, Jep's the man to call.
- How steady is that?
- It's steady. Quit!
If you need a new VCR, he'll
go down to Circuit City with you.
Hey, he'll help you
pick out the best one.
Here's what I'm thinking: Looking at the
world through the eyes of Si Robertson.
The life of Si.
It's like a
duck-umentary. Get it?
A duck-umentary.
- Get it?
- No.
Trust me on this. Nobody wants
to see the world through Si's eyes.
There you go.
There we go. Turn this
sucker on if I'm gonna film.
It's like looking at
one of those inkblots.
You never really know
exactly what you're looking at.
All right. Y'all go ahead, boys.
What are you doing?
Welcome to the world of Si.
Cut! Take five for a tea break.
Tea break!
- This is gonna get real old fast.
- Nah.
This is gonna be
what they call a classic.
I created a monster.
I'm gonna win the
Pulitzer Prize on this.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Done.
Y'all gonna stack
'em on this pallet?
- We're finished with this.
- Get on there and I'll ride you.
All right. Take it slow.
I'm ready to go hunting.
I don't wanna be injured
before I go hunting.
Where are these other clowns?
I'm ready to go kill something.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's deer season. Let's do this.
Whenever hunting
season rolls around, let's
just say it's pretty
difficult to focus on work.
Well, you got you a
glorified sled dog there.
- Mush!
- You need a whip.
- People get a little bit antsy.
- Watch, watch— Hey, hey, hey!
That's our order.
But then again, anytime you got
Godwin around, it just gets flat-out weird.
Weird and dangerous.
Here we go. That's all I— Hey!
This is a dog pulling a horse.
Uh-huh.
Look out. Hey. That's all of it.
What in the world?
Hey.
Gentlemen, I present Si-Vision.
Boy, this day just got weird.
From this moment on, okay,
hey, the truth will be known.
Nobody's gonna be able to look at Si
Robertson again with a crooked eye...
and say, "Hey, that
guy's head ain't on right."
Do not forget it's all live.
I've got one camera looking at me, so
you can see my reactions to everything.
Through my eyes,
okay, the worldview.
And then I got another
one on my chest...
where you can see what a
shorter version of me sees.
I'm recording and
filming everything you do.
- Be careful, boys.
- Oh, good grief.
Hey, I'm part Six Million Dollar
Man and I'm part RoboCop.
Where in the world
did you find that helmet?
Hey, Uncle Sam
gave me this helmet...
and the only thing I had to
do for it was go to Vietnam.
And if I'd have had this sucker then, I'd
have had the greatest war movie ever.
Gunships coming in
with all cannons firing.
Bombs bursting everywhere. Monkeys
running everywhere, blowing up.
Just...
Si!
Can we go hunting now, or are we gonna
sit around and talk about what happened...
Or what didn't happen—
In the Vietnam War?
Yeah, we can, but
first I gotta take a leak.
Hey, turn that camera
off. Push that button on top.
No. Life is an adventure.
Okay? And this is part of it.
This is turning
into a horror flick.
No. It's an adventure.
It's one adventure
I don't wanna see.
Yes, this is my
favorite commercial.
It's out of control.
- What's up?
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- I just heard the best news of the week.
- What?
- Kevin's family has got the stomach flu.
- Great.
- All right. That is not good news.
Hold on. They can't
go to the LSU game...
so three tickets
just came available.
Oh, I can't believe this. Holla!
We're going to the game.
Let me explain something to you.
LSU games around here are huge.
And because they're
always sold out...
everyone's dying to
go to the game live.
We were just gonna go to Anna
Catherine's house and watch it.
- But— - A bunch of friends
are going over there too.
Good. They'll be really excited
when they see you on TV at the game.
I'm just glad that I can include my
kids and make this a family outing.
Can we bring some friends?
Three tickets, John Luke.
What about Cole?
I'd better make some
more room on the mantel...
because I can see a
father-of-the-year award coming soon.
Just please don't embarrass us. Like,
do not wear your LSU furry tiger hat.
Are you kidding me? Whatever.
Meet me in the car. ♪♪
- You're supposed to say, "Go, Tigers!"
- Go, Tigers.
All right, that's pathetic, but don't
worry. We can work on it all the way down.
Korie, where's my LSU cheese,
bean and dip combination tray?
What is taking Si so long?
He's been in there forever.
Well, he's old, you know? Takes
a while to get the pipes going.
How would you know?
You've never watched
The Golden Girls?
Remember Stanley, Dorothy's ex?
You know, he made a joke about it.
Jep is my younger brother. So
being that there's an age difference...
sometimes I can't tell if our
differences are strictly age related.
I love that show.
Maybe just the pine cone
fell that far from the tree.
You don't like The Golden
Girls, I don't like you.
Okay.
Either way, when you start
talking about The Golden Girls...
and applying it to life...
you're becoming my
most distant relative.
In goes the good tea,
out goes the bad tea.
Besides Si. Because he's
in a galaxy far, far away.
Look here. All right.
Good-bye, toilet. Hello, sink.
What we're gonna
do here, okay...
is I'm gonna show you
the life of a man, okay...
If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
clean and be neat. Wipe the seat.
And his day-to-day
struggles in today's world.
Oh, come on. No
paper towels, as usual.
And you might ask
"Just who is that man?"
Si Robertson.
Si Robertson!
Hey, know what I mean?
This is all nonfiction, Jack.
Hey, look, you can't
make this stuff up.
Y'all ready to go hunting?
Yes!
- Well, let's go.
- Come on.
- Let me get my rifle.
- What's going on here?
I feel like we're going
hunting with Inspector Gadget.
Lights, camera, action.
What's the deal with this road?
Can we not build
a better road here?
It's fine. Stay
positive. Go, Tigers.
Even though the kids and I are
on the way to the LSU game...
With free tickets, mind you...
Who's pumped up?
I'm getting the feeling that John Luke
and Sadie are about as excited as...
♪♪
And to top it off,
we're running a little bit
behind because of
some minor traffic issues.
The next 58 miles of road work?
Are you sure we're gonna make it?
Just a little road
construction. No problem.
As long as I stay positive
and stay at a decent speed...
we'll get there
with time to spare.
Heck, we'll probably even get
a chance to tailgate a little bit.
Oh, this traffic.
Dad, I'm getting hungry.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- I don't think we're gonna make it.
- Nope. We're gonna make it.
Coming in.
One thing for sure, I
like to get to the games...
before they take the hot
cheese for the nachos away.
I'll tell you my philosophy on
traffic. It's called the weave.
Time to call an audible.
In and out, in and
out, in and out.
Who came up with liquid cheese?
For some reason it always feels wrong at a
gas station, but right at a football game.
Trying to get to the
game here, people.
You're going as fast as I am.
Just gotta stay positive. Keep
thinking of that hot nacho cheese.
- We're getting off.
- What are you doing?
I remember a little shortcut.
Good. Anything's
better than this.
Back road. Road less traveled.
Here we are in
the great outdoors.
All right, nature's playground.
And I gotta tell the folks
back home what's going on.
You realize that's
not hooked up to a
satellite. Nobody's
watching that right now.
Oh, they will be though.
Here's the deal, all right? All
the exposition is out of the way.
Now we're going
for the action shots.
Bumblebee? I'll blow that sucker
out of there if he gets close to my ear.
Well, you need to calm
down. We in the woods.
I'm excited, okay? This
is my first epic war movie.
I know I said it was gonna be
a documentary about my life.
No. Now it's turning
into a war movie.
I thought you said you
were making a documentary.
Documentary is
kinda boring, okay?
Every good filmmaker
knows you gotta be flexible.
- Know what I'm talking about?
- No.
You don't get to be a great filmmaker like
Joe Schumacher until you learn that one.
Through your eyes,
it's a deer hunt.
Through my eyes, hey,
it's an epic war movie.
This is a dangerous place
we're at in here, okay?
This man is nuts.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Charlie's around,
monkeys around.
Hey, what are y'all
laughing about?
Si, we're deer hunting.
This is not a war movie.
Hey, there's a lot of dangerous
things out in these woods.
Si, we're not gonna kill
anything if you keep on...
Anacondas are slithering
everywhere in the grass.
- Si, are you gonna do this the whole time?
- I'm excited, okay?
Y'all go make your epic
war movie over there.
- I'm going this way.
- Me too.
- You boys ready?
- Si, will you shut up?
Y'all go ahead. I'm
slipping behind you.
They're moving
slowly and stealthily...
Two intrepid deer hunters
after their wary prey.
- Si.
- What?
- Shh.
- Okay, I'll whisper. Go ahead.
There's fixing to be a
kidnapping on this hunt.
It's looking good, guys.
In 50 feet, make a U-turn.
God! These stupid
things never work.
- Recalculating.
- "Recalculating."
- We are so lost.
- Recalculating.
Nope. Not lost. I have a
good idea of where we are.
I just— I can't quite
remember the next turn.
Your destination
is on the right.
When we started the trip, I
was really excited for the game.
- Come on.
- "Recalculating."
- Recalculating.
- John Luke, I got it.
But there's no bigger buzzkill than
being lost in the middle of nowhere.
Why can't she say something normal
like, "Hold on a sec. I'll figure it out"?
But I gotta keep my spirits
up for the sake of the kids.
- "You are completely lost."
- Recalculating.
Shut up.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not talking to you, John Luke.
- I'm talking to the GPS.
- In 100 feet, turn right.
I'm pulling over.
Go, Tigers.
Yay.
- What are you doing?
- Trying to get a signal.
I don't think it
works like that.
What's up, bro? Go, Tigers!
- Recalculating.
- "Recalculating."
John Luke, that's
enough of that crap.
We could've just kept driving
and waited for some signals.
I wanna keep...
- Recalculando.
- Crap.
- "Recalculating."
- Girar a la izquierda.
Recalculando.
This sucks. I'm just gonna
use the sun to navigate.
The sun's directly over us.
- You gonna walk to the game?
- Recalculating.
Hey, look here.
Speak into my chest...
and let's get it
off of your chest.
Bring the real Jason
Robertson forward.
This whole Si and the
camera— It's getting out of hand.
- Tell me about your inner feelings.
- I don't share my feelings with a madman.
Look, see? That's your problem.
Treat me like I'm Oprah, okay?
Once you start comparing yourself
to Oprah, things get uncomfortable...
Just like a nature calling
amongst a cactus thicket.
You can do this. I know you can,
son. Hey, I'm trying to help you out here.
You want me to open up and
tell you what my problem is?
I'll tell you what the
problem is. You are.
- I wanna shoot this deer.
- And I'm trying to film it.
Well, point that camera over
here, 'cause I'm gonna shoot him.
Look, we're set up.
- Are you challenging me?
- We're loaded.
- Yeah, I'm challenging you.
- We've got the trail in view.
I've killed more deer
than you've seen.
Bull butter.
Look, all you boys need to
do when he steps out there...
is do y'all's part.
This is just like Vietnam.
This deer is gonna be a monster.
Y'all mow him down.
Cut him down with
a wall of steel. Hey!
Hey, did he shoot a dinosaur?
I had baked beans last
night, boys. Vietnam special.
- This ain't gonna work.
- I concur.
What are you doing?
Si.
- You need to get outta here.
- What do you mean?
You need to go make your war
movie out there and let us hunt.
You have been ostracized
from the deer blind.
- Oh. So that's the way y'all are?
- Yeah.
Okay. All right. I don't have to sit here
and take all this crap. I'm outta here.
I blame myself.
I'm blaming you too.
This deer hunting movie
turned into a survival movie.
That's what happens when
your comrades desert you.
- Si, we still hear you.
- Hey, knuckleheads, y'all pipe down.
I'm trying to make the
greatest war movie ever.
Okay, Dad, we've definitely
passed that barn before.
Crap.
I mean, how did this happen?
- Well, you took a wrong turn— -
Rhetorical question, John Luke.
- You should not have taken a road—
- Means it doesn't need an answer.
I'm getting real hungry.
This little situation here reminds me
of that classic LSU-Arkansas game.
All right, this ain't good.
- We're really lost, huh?
- Uh...
Here's the heavily favored
Tigers down in the fourth quarter.
Dad, I'm getting real hungry.
Well, we can get something
at the game if they're still open.
All hope looked to be lost.
But you know what happened next?
- Roadkill. That's always nice.
- Hey, I'm starving.
They mounted an epic comeback.
But still lost.
That sucked.
Why don't we just pull over on the
side of the road and cook our own food?
If there's any chance of seeing any of
the game, we gotta get straight there.
Dad, I think that
ship has sailed.
- Y'all wanna bail?
- I wouldn't call it that, but...
- But yes.
- I'm in.
I'm man enough to admit
that this trip is a disaster.
But I have to show my kids that when
life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
We'll be bail-gaters.
- Get it?
- Get it.
And right now I could use one
of them lemon squeezer deals...
'cause I got enough lemons to...
I got a lot of lemons.
Lots of lemons.
- How many hot dogs you want, John Luke?
- - Ten.
- Ten?
- Ooh.
Phil, why do you think that dogs
don't have middle names like people?
Well, I never thought about it.
I think Bobo needs
a middle name.
- Do you wanna be an Edgar?
- Call him what you always call him.
You go to changing the name
when he's about two years old...
- he's gonna get all confused of who he is.
- Jesse Edgar Robertson.
He's thinking, "You
wanna change my name...
next thing you know, they'll put a
bullet in my head or something."
You've overreacted as usual.
It ain't gonna be stupid.
It's gonna be a great movie.
- Good grief.
- What in the world is that?
- Well, that deer hunt was a bust.
- Hmm.
I wonder why.
Nothing surprises you
anymore coming out of Silas.
Si, what's that get-up
supposed to do?
I'm doing a movie.
Whew.
But we're not quite used
to things like army helmets...
with cameras poking
out in front of him.
- Who wrote the script?
- Me.
- Who filmed it?
- Me.
- Who's gonna edit it?
- Hey, me.
Well, I'll look forward to that.
Hi-tech equipment
strapped on Silas's head.
Looks like you're fixed to
touch a button and explode...
and kill everybody around you.
- Nah.
- Scares you.
- What's it called?
- For Your Eyes Only.
Catchy title, right?
- No.
- Oh, yeah.
Si, that's a James Bond movie.
No, it ain't no
James Bond movie.
Yes, it is. For Your Eyes Only.
Boom!
Hey, this is important.
Trust me on this.
Get in quick and get
out. You leave no trail.
What's this fella's
name? Double agent?
Silas Robertson.
Never heard of him.
Hand me that gun. I've
always been a ladies' man.
I've got laser-sharp focus.
Give 'em a kiss for
me. A kiss of death.
I think I was sabotaged.
I'm in a jungle.
I don't like being involved
on a mission where we fail.
Si Robertson.
That was James Bond.
For Your Eyes Only
Through My Eyes.
The way this is all
coming together, okay,
this is shaping up to
be an instant classic.
I know it just went over
y'all boys' head, okay?
- Oh, yeah. It did.
- This is "technocal."
But now on to the real hard
part— Finding the perfect ending.
It's kind of confusing,
Si. No offense.
Hey, look, this will still be
the greatest movie ever, okay?
Hmm.
You gotta have a
twist at the end of it.
Bam! You got 'em.
Hey, you're gonna be
the end of the movie.
Look right here in the camera and tell
me your most embarrassing moment. Hey.
What are you doing?
Thinking I possibly
could be on your movie...
That's the most embarrassing
moment I've ever had.
Nah. Give me the most
embarrassing moment.
- If you don't get that camera off me,
I'm gonna take this ax to that camera.
- You ain't gonna break the camera.
- This ax will break it.
- I'd like to see you try.
- Well, hey— - Don't-Don't
break my camera.
You need to turn that mess off,
Si, and get back down to reality.
Let's go to dinner,
forget all this nonsense.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Come on, J.J. Let's go eat.
- Going to dinner?
- Yeah.
- Y'all don't wanna watch the movie?
- No!
- What do you mean, no?
- No.
Hey, you got a VCR?
You hear that? We got
the AM radio back up.
- Yeah.
- Now we can listen to the fourth quarter.
- Awesome.
- See? Everything's looking good.
♪♪
Go, Tigers!
♪♪
Go, Tigers!
♪♪ Go, Tigers!
♪♪
LSU!
Still iffy about that one.
Father, we thank you for the Son
of man who rescued us from sin.
For that we are grateful.
We honor you for it.
It's through him I pray. Amen.
Amen.
Making decisions
is a big part of life...
and knowing when to give up on a
goal is a really tough decision to make.
The thing is, if you're
too focused on one goal...
you could miss out on a lot
of good stuff along the way...
Like spending some
quality time with your kids...
or getting the kill
shot on a big buck.
Ultimately, life is
about balance...
Pursuing your goals,
chasing your dreams.
But don't forget to appreciate
what you have right at this moment...
because sometimes it's the
little things that mean the most.
Like eating from an LSU
bean, cheese and dip tray.
"Recalculating."
Oh, here we go.