Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 2 - Willie's Number Two - full transcript

- Korie?
- What?

- What's John David doing here?
- He's your next interview.

With Duck Commander
getting bigger lately...

I've decided to hire
myself an assistant.

Just 'cause I'm the C.E.O. doesn't mean I
hook up all your family members for jobs.

Really? You've hooked
up all your family members.

Problem is, Korie keeps
bringing in her family to interview.

Korie, he is a slobby hobo.

- Don't say that. He's right out there.
- I don't care.

The last thing I wanna
hire is more family.

- Especially Korie's.
- He's smart, he's educated.



- He's got on flip-flops.
- I think he's gonna be perfect.

- All right. Five minutes and that's it.
- All right.

You think my family's weird?
You should check out hers.

All right, here he is.

Hey, John David!
What's up, brother?

- You doing good?
- Yeah, man, I'm doing great.

Lost a flip-flop.
My bad. Flip-flops.

All right, well, cool. Well,
um, I ain't got much time, man.

I got, like, five minutes. I
got another... something to do.

- All right, yeah. I'll take a seat.
- Tell him what your degree is, John David.

I'm a finance major, so— - See?

How long were you in
school? Like, 10 years?

Six.

Willie, you need an
assistant, he needs a job.



Hey, take it easy.

Nacho Libre, huh?

Mm.

That movie is fantastic!

- Wow.
- It's the best.

In the world.

Oh, God.

Here's the deal: If I can get along
with you, that's half the job right there.

I've memorized that
entire movie— In my mind.

And so far I'm noticing
that, much like me...

he can quote and appreciate
highbrow comedies.

Nacho!

This guy might just be— - ♪♪

the best.

Everybody's
dancing at the party.

Wasn't that from Nacho Libre?

It's more the delivery.

All right. Korie, we
need some quiet time.

All right. Y'all have fun.

All right. You're hired. Clean
all this crap up on my desk.

I need some
coffee too. Like bad.

- Right now, or— - Chop, chop.

Bang, bang, Johnny D.

Find some tennis
shoes, for crying out loud.

- Nacho!
- Nacho!

Nacho!

Korie, you're
not doing it right.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Phil? Hey, it's lunchtime.

- Ah! Stop it.
- What?

You start eating that,
there won't be any left.

It is good though.

- Hey! There's my babies!
- Hey. Well, the little children.

Oh!

So, Jep, what'd you
do, get a day off?

- I took a personal day.
- Where's your woman?

Jess is sick, so I had to get outta the
house and bring the kids... somewhere else.

You oughta leave them with her.

Only way to beat a
disease is you gotta

catch it, beat it, you
don't get it anymore.

- He says it builds up your immunity.
- No doubt about it.

- It does.
- Dad is nuts sometimes.

Throw 'em out there in that dirt and that
mud, let 'em wallow around a little bit.

He used to "expose"
us to microbes as a kid.

Immune system. Boom, boom, boom.

You know what came
of that? I got sick. A lot.

You know what
you kids need to do?

Get out there in the mud, find any kind of
dung, pick it up, throw it at each other.

- See what I'm saying?
- Don't do that.

- What's a dung?
- It's like poo-poo in a— in a pancake.

Hey, why don't you guys
take the kids outside to play?

- That's the best idea I've heard all day.
- Y'all wanna go play?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, I'll take 'em out there.

We can go on a treasure hunt.

- Yeah!
- Hey, look.

I am the best treasure
hunter in these parts.

No. Mm-mmm.

Hey, look, one time Phil buried a
pair of shoes—tennis shoes, okay...

Outside our house.

My old great-uncle
told me one time...

He said, "If you ever catch a
skunk in a trap, don't take him out."

I didn't follow that advice. I said, "I'm
gonna get this skunk outta this trap."

Well, I ended up stomping him to
death, and I had a pair of tennis shoes on.

I went out there and buried the
tennis shoes 'cause they stunk so bad.

I found 'em. I dug 'em up,
and hey— I wore 'em all the time.

They stunk from the time I stomped
that skunk till they rotted off Si's feet.

I played basketball
for hours in them

things, and look, hey,
nobody could guard me.

When that sucker came down
the court dribbling that ball...

you could just see them other
guys just getting out of his way.

They was a little stinky, but other
than that, perfectly good shoes.

It was the funk zone.

Long story short, I'm
a great treasure hunter.

All right, look. Y'all give
me about 12 minutes...

and I'm fixing to go out here
and set up the treasure hunt.

Treasure hunt?

- Okay. You wanna come with me?
- No.

Nacho!

- Is the ball flat?
- Listen, listen.

That's been a good ball,
man. See if you can fix it.

- You want me to give it C.P.R.?
- Give it mouth-to-mouth.

Put that down. Gentlemen,
after a long, exhaustive search...

I have finally found
my perfect assistant.

- What's going on, guys?
- You can call him Johnny D.

He's gonna be helping me out.

What do you need a
manservant for anyway?

Willie doesn't need any
help around the office.

- I need help.
- I'm not even real sure what he does.

I'm stretched thin.

You've never been
stretched thin in your life.

He just wanted someone
slightly heavier and hairier...

It's amazing how
much y'all look alike.

- Thank you.
- So he looked better by comparison.

He looks like a
reflection of you.

That's actually good.
He is a reflection of me.

When you see him, you see me.

Are you delusional? I'm not taking orders
from a guy wearing shorts and sandals.

Don't worry about what
he's got on, all right?

You wouldn't last five minutes
in the woods wearing that.

But we're in a warehouse.

- Good comeback.
- Thank you.

Johnny D., what
else I got to do?

Dude, I've only worked
here for, like, 30 minutes.

Come on.

- You gotta work on that.
- Yeah.

- When I go fist, you go fist.
- Okay, so always...

- Fist means fist.
- Oh.

All right, look here.

Y'all, welcome to Uncle
Si's great, amazing, okay...

Great, just out-of-this-world
treasure hunt.

Know what I mean?

- Whoo-hoo.
- All right, y'all fired up about it?

- No.
- No.

- No?
- No.

Yeah, we are. We're
fired up about it.

Look, when it comes to
putting on a treasure hunt...

I have my own special style.

Y'all are fixing to go
on event of a lifetime.

Look, it's almost too much
fun, if there were such a thing.

- Si, what are those cards for?
- Okay, look, you gotta have riddle cards.

Hey, trust me.
There's not. I tried.

You can't just wing it. Okay,
this is a methodical treasure hunt.

Championship.

All right, we're here.
Let's dig it up or whatever.

No, I don't think so there, Eddie
Vedder. You think X marks the spot?

- Yeah. That's exactly what it does.
- No. X marks the starting spot.

- No. That's totally backwards.
- That's the starting point right there.

X marks the starting point.

No. No, it doesn't.

Hey, yes. Yes, it does.
It makes perfect sense.

- No, it doesn't.
- Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

- Nope.
- All right, moving right along.

All right, here's the riddle:
"This first lady took flight...

when her husband was elected the
36th president of the United States."

- Si, what are you talking about?
- Hey, it's a riddle.

- Look, I might near gave you the answer.
- These kids are 10 and under.

- They ain't gonna know that.
- Look, this is easy.

Si has always had trouble
with age-appropriate activities.

Listen to it— "This
first lady took flight" —

Took flight.

Flight.

Si, I don't know what
you're talking about.

When I was five, Si gave
me and my brothers matches...

and he taught me to
light my farts on fire.

- Hey, you got 30 seconds to answer.
- Or what? What happens?

Hey, pipe down there, Pearl Jam.

Now that I think about
it, I'm lucky to be alive.

The president was
Lyndon "Baine" Johnson.

So the first lady would be who?

Nobody.

Come on. What flies?
Name some stuff that flies.

- Bird?
- Bump! Right answer.

- So what's her name?
- Lady Bird Johnson.

- All right, where do birds live?
- Nest.

- No.
- Bup.

- Where do birds live?
- Si, she's right.

- Hey— - She's right.

- Trees.
- Trees? Birds don't live in trees.

- Si.
- Birdhouses.

Bird lives in
birdhouses. Good grief.

Where is there a
birdhouse around this joint?

- Right there.
- Right here.

All right. Now that's
where the clue is.

You're boring there, Mr. River.

Si, would you quit
arguing with my son?

This is just raw cinnamon.
It is impossible to eat.

So far, having Johnny D. as an
assistant is working out swimmingly.

The kid is smart, he's funny and he even
taught me a thing or two I didn't know.

There's something about cinnamon
in your mouth that makes you— -

If you don't have an assistant,
you should really go get one.

They're awesome.

- That's what everybody does.
You can't— - What's going on?

Oh, we're just watching this
girl trying to eat cinnamon.

- We need a meeting.
- I got tons of crap I'm trying to do.

Yeah, you look busy.

- Johnny D., meeting time.
- All right.

- Take notes.
- You got it.

I was thinking about
a private meeting.

Put "Private meeting with Jase."

- I don't think you're following me.
- And put the time and date.

- Private.
- Whatever you say in front of me...

you can say in
front of Johnny D.

Well, the meeting was about him.

Now I'm fine if he sits here.

I just think it may get awkward.

For him.

Johnny D., go get some
coffee or something.

All right. You got it.

- Yeah, make me some coffee.
- Don't be ordering my assistant around.

He stuck his head in my shop
and said, "Get back to work."

I told him to do that.

This assistant
thing— it's not working.

If you wanna pick up a
hobo and help him out, great.

- I ain't taking no lip off no manny.
- What is a manny?

It's like a nanny,
but it's a manny.

But pigs will have to fly before
I take orders from this guy.

- That doesn't even make sense.
- He's taking care of all your stuff.

He's like your redneck butler.

What redneck
doesn't want a butler?

Well, me.

Good point. Good meeting.

Don't blame me when he
comes down here and he's...

- 'Cause I'm gonna put him to the test.
- Jase, don't you mess with him.

- You can count on that.
- If you mess with him, you mess with me.

Deal.

That's not a deal.

Hey, I got the
next riddle for you.

Look at me.

- Cowboy.
- No.

- You're a downhill skier.
- No.

You're a crazy man leading
us on a ridiculous treasure hunt.

- No. Hey, I'm sitting.
- Nope.

"Rocking chair"
is the right answer.

All right, y'all ready to go?
The rocking chair's over there.

- There better be candy in it.
- No. That's where the next clue's at.

- Come on.
- First of all, it took Si over an hour...

to set up this
stupid treasure hunt.

- Si, we're losing these kids.
- They're having the time of their life.

Fun overload.

And second, it's not
even a treasure hunt.

It's just stupid riddles.

All right. "Name the founding members
of Creedence Clearwater Revival."

No. I'll help you out.
♪ Down on the river ♪

♪ Out in the streets ♪

♪ Over on Phil's land
Not even skipping a beat ♪

- What are you singing?
That ain't a— - ♪♪

Are you finished?

All right.

Is there candy here?

Are you finished?

I don't care about
candy anymore.

All right, we're
almost there, okay?

Oh, by the way, you're
gonna need shovels.

What for?

It's called "buried
treasure" for a reason.

I patched the hole.
I think it'll work.

Did you?

- Well— - No.

That's like Si's head—empty.

Look, if you lose a basketball,
the game must go on.

That's just the redneck way.

- Uh, let's just keep
playing with the Frisbee.

You know, when I was a kid, we
played Frisbee with a pizza pan.

It's all in the wrist, boys.

And look, when we lost that, we
played golf with a hoe and a shovel.

Ow! This is fun.

The game is marching forward.

This is our new game— basketbee.

Pass. Make the pass.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- I'm gonna get my Jordan.
- Oh!

Boom!

- Oh!
- Hey, look. Here's a baby one right here.

That's a water bottle cap.

What's up, guys?

Well, if it isn't old Manny.

- What y'all doing?
- Playing a little game of basketbee.

What happened to the basketball?

- The basketball is flat.
- That's weird.

- What are you writing down there, Manny?
- Don't worry about it.

Anyway, we need to rendezvous over there
in the conference room for a little while.

- We got a meeting set up.
- Meeting?

This is important meeting.
We need to have it, so...

- No.
- What are you doing that's so important
you can't meet?

- We gotta do something.
- Inventory.

- Inventory.
- Yeah.

Look, I've been at Duck
Commander for 30 years.

Doesn't really look like
inventory is happening to me.

No, it was pretty
good. Jase is leading it.

An outsider can't just barge in here
and start ordering my team around.

- Yeah, but anyway,
if we could just— - No.

You gotta earn your respect.

- Manny.
- You can't break our ranks.

- Let me tell you something, Manny.
- I got snacks.

Oh.

- I like snacks.
- Perfect.

Unfortunately, our ranks
consist of two very large men...

- It's snacks.
- Who love to eat.

They're good snacks,
not just the crappy snacks.

- I'm in.
- Mart!

What? Inventory doesn't have
snacks. This meeting does.

I'm all about snacks.

Awesome. Well, I'll see
you guys in a few then.

Jase, I'll see you there?

- It's that easy?
- You act surprised. Look at us.

Valid point.

It's snacks.

These doughnuts
are not even hot.

Everybody knows that when I eat
a doughnut, it's gotta be flaming hot.

If this guy thinks he's gonna entice
us, at least he needs to do it right.

It's not hard to do.

Rule number one of
bribery: Hot doughnuts.

- With black coffee.
- I'll make a note.

Godwin and Martin?
Okay, they fell for it.

Nice work.

But I just wanted to
let you guys know that...

Lodged here. Lodged here.

Deep breath.

It's gonna take something more than
that before I'm hook, line and sinker.

- Where's Willie?
- Off the premises right now.

- What does that mean?
- He's at the driving range.

Why are we in here
while Willie's playing golf?

And other than your beard, I'm not
sure you're qualified to work here.

There is only one surefire way to
test the merit of a new employee.

- Well, we'll settle this right now.
- Uh-oh.

This separates the
men from the boys.

If you can make a
decent mallard sound...

I will listen to the rest of
your five-minute presentation.

Do... you... know how
to operate a duck call?

All right.

I think that was enough.
All right, let's get out of here.

Thanks for the doughnuts. I'm
gonna grab one for the road though.

Oh, what the crap. I'll
just take the whole box.

Come on, Godwin.
Let's get out of here.

No, wait. Ain't leaving me out.

Si, why'd you bring
us to a grave site?

Daddy, did somebody die?

- X marks the spot.
- That doesn't look like an X.

That looks like a grave marker.

It's fitting that Si took us to a
grave at the end of this treasure hunt.

- If you look at it this way, it's an X.
- 'Cause this is where fun has come to die.

They're not gonna dig
up any animals, are they?

I can't guarantee that.

Si, you realize it's gonna scar them
for life, they dig up some dead animal.

Well, look. I'm just telling
you I buried candy, okay?

So if you dig up a
bone, that ain't the candy.

Go ahead and dig it up.

Do not hit each other
in the face with those.

It's funny that the only
part of this treasure hunt...

- Si, how deep did you bury this stuff?
- Hey, I don't remember.

That's actually
a treasure hunt...

Look at how much
fun they're having.

Yeah, they're fit
to kill each other.

Is candy buried in dirt.

- She just put that in her mouth, Si.
- It's good for you.

Yeah, that's a real treasure.

This was a terrible day.

Terrible day? What
are you talking about?

That was a great treasure hunt.

- Anybody seen Johnny D.?
- Oh, you mean Manny?

- Manny.
- Manny.

He's probably sitting
in the bathroom, crying.

Trying to figure out
where it all went wrong.

- Yeah.
- I told you not to be messing with him.

I told you I was gonna mess with him,
and I put him to the test, and guess what?

He failed.

- Speak of the devil.
- What's up? Oh, Manny.

- Manny.
- What's up, y'all?

- Well, he didn't quit.
- Where have you been?

Look like he's been rummaging
around your bandannas.

I was just trying to look more
professional. What do you think?

Well, just when I thought he
couldn't possibly be a better assistant...

he goes and throws on the
stars and stripes bandanna.

- Thank you.
- Boom.

- That was better. Way better.
- That was better.

My little Willie is growing
up to look just like me.

Twinsies.

- What you got in the bag?
- Kinda got weird earlier.

So I went to the store.

- What you got here?
- Hey, hey.

- Hey.
- Now we're talking.

Trying to do my best to
make the workplace better.

I might have been a little
quick to judge ol' Manny here.

I mean, the basketball?
That's a nice touch.

No, he did. I didn't tell
you to go get a basketball.

And the fact that
it annoyed Willie...

It's like giving Godwin a bag of
Snickers and telling him not to eat it.

Yeah, that's just dumb.

Made it even sweeter.

Theirs was flat, so I
figured, you know...

every once in a while you need to
go shoot some hoops somewhere.

All right. We'll meet
about this later.

You did good, son.
Welcome to the team.

But you're still a rookie.

Manny, since you came
through with the ball...

I'm gonna give you your own
personal duck call to practice with.

All right. Well, thank you.

All right. Let's go. Back
to work. Everybody good?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know how hard it'd be to work
staring at a brand-new basketball?

Jase, we're not
playing basketball.

Oh!

- Walk it in.
- Two-nothing.

- Uh, two-nothing.
- Two-nothing.

Right here. I'm open. I'm open.

Pass me the ball. I'm open.

Father, we do thank
you for this good deer.

For that we are grateful.
Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

Sometimes life can feel like a
Si Robertson treasure hunt...

Confusing, frustrating,
even a bit dangerous.

And when you finally get to
the treasure, it's covered in dirt.

But you don't dig up
real treasures in life.

The real treasure is spending
some quality time with your kids...

or finding an awesome assistant, even if
he looks like a caveman wearing flip-flops.

Hey, Jep, name the first three
presidents of the United States.

- Si, are you serious?
- Hey, I was just wondering.