Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 10 - Stand by Mia - full transcript

Jep, throw me one
of those biscuits.

All right.

- Oop! Interception.
- Give me my bi— Oh!

- It's my biscuit.
- No, it's not.

- I intercepted it.
- I asked for it.

- I intercepted it.
- Jase, there's one more.

- Hand it to me.
- Lucky day.

Aw! ♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪

There's no biscuits in here.

He just got you back.

When we were kids, eating
food was serious business.



I'll share this one
with you. Here.

- Give me it.
- What?

- He didn't just lick that biscuit.
- It's a quick lick, Si.

- Oh, good grief.
- Classic move.

Obviously, Willie became
the king of defending his vittles.

And you wonder why I
whipped their tails so much.

This is where it all...

Willie was like a ninja. How
do you think he got so big?

This is what started the daily
wrestling epic battles—stuff like this.

Didn't y'all fight over
toast and pizza one time?

Yeah. That's the greatest
match we ever had.

I mean, he's cooking
a pizza for 25 minutes.

I wanted the oven
for one minute.

I was already in there.
I'd already claimed it.



He had the oven first.

I'm not gonna wait 30 minutes...

- We can settle the end of it.
- So I can turn it on broil for one minute.

We had a toaster oven! Why
didn't you just put it in there?

You got your butt
whooped, that's all.

- I didn't get my butt whooped, son.
- What are you talking about?

- You were crying like a little girl.
- What?

The Robertson men have
been wrestling for generations.

I picked him up and then
slammed him on the can of flour.

Flour went everywhere.
You remember that?

Technically speaking, most
of the wrestling matches...

were physical
altercations over food.

- He started asking for mercy.
- I never asked for mercy.

Yeah.

But it was those altercations
that made us such great wrestlers.

Then their cousins came,
and they declared war on them.

They started it.

When it came to the brawls we had with
our cousins in the backyard, we dominated.

I remember Willie and
Amy. That was terrible.

- Amy whipped Willie's tail.
- Bull crap.

- Oh, she whipped you.
- Talk about a bad memory.

- You got beat by a girl?
- No, I didn't.

If your record is 99-1,
you're still dominating.

She had him in a headlock,
and he was like, "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

I wanna wrestle.

I'll show you some moves.

Nice.

You'd probably even whip Willie.

It's been done before
by other girls in the family.

True, true.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

- Where is Mia?
- She's packing.

She insisted on
doing it herself.

Probably a full bag
of her stuffed animals.

That way she's not
nervous at the hospital.

Babe, nobody is as
nervous as you are about this.

I'm not nerv— I didn't
say I was nervous.

Next week, my daughter
Mia is having her fifth surgery...

to address her
cleft lip and palate.

I'm just not a big
fan of hospitals.

It's a tough one,
but she's a tough kid.

Be positive.

I know, but I can't
quit thinking about it.

- It'll be fine.
- She doesn't rattle easy.

- What else is there to worry about?
- Just the hospital, the hospital food.

- What?
- She's got nerves of steel.

Why would you serve
such horrific food?

Jase.

She's got Jase
Robertson nerves of steel.

- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Okay.

- I'm fine. I'm good.
- Okay.

And right now, I kind
of wish I had 'em back.

- Hey, sister.
- Hey, Mia.

Here. Scoot yourself up.

- Are y'all packed up?
- Yes, sir.

- What'd you pack?
- Uh, stuffed animal.

That's what I thought. Mm-hmm.

Is there something
you wanna do maybe...

before we head out of town?

Whatever you want
to do. Think carefully.

What about, like, bowling?
You wanna have a bowling party?

Babe. Babe. No.

- What's wrong with bowling?
- That's disgusting. Don't choose that.

Look, I love the
redneck culture.

Where I take exception
is hand-me-downs.

There's a lot of people
who have fungus of the toes.

You want me to
put on some shoes...

that hundreds of
people have worn?

- Would you wear used underwear?
- No!

What's the difference?

Let me pay you three dollars so
that I could possibly get a fungus...

lose two of my toes
and wind up at the E.R.

Jase, that's disgusting.

The last thing we need...

is both of us to wind
up in the hospital.

Now, look, if you wanna
go bowling, we'll go.

- I was just making a point.
- I'm not getting any fungus.

- Good choice.
- Okay, Mia. What do you wanna do?

- How about a family party?
- That's a good idea.

- I think that's really sweet.
- Great idea.

What kind of party do you want? Like
last night, we had a big meal all together?

Like Dad's cousins.

Like the wrestling ones.

- Okay!
- Oh.

- Be careful what you wish for.
- Oh, no.

- I got a lot of cousins.
- Well, bring 'em on, then.

All right.

What kind of food do
you want at this party?

Mama Kay's biscuits.

- Okay.
- And duck jambalaya.

I'm gonna have to
start making some calls.

Don't expect too many people,
'cause this is kinda last-minute.

Okay. I just want
to see Dad wrestle.

You wanna see me wrestle? I'll
get you in a headlock right now.

- All right now.
- I got some skills now.

- Hey! Save it for Willie.
- Good advice.

- You wanna wrestle?
- Maybe later.

That's disgusting.

- Can I clip this now?
- No.

This is about the dumbest
idea I've seen lately.

- What? This is actually a good idea.
- Jase.

Every time the girls
put us out here...

they tell us to do this crap,
and they're never satisfied with it.

So I say let's just rent a tent and
screw this. Tell them it didn't work.

This is awesome.

Look, you're taking a
bunch of tarps and rope...

and you're making a tent.

That's pretty cool.

Look, I make no secret that I
don't like setting up decorations.

You can rent a tent that has
walls, and you can put a heater in it.

Anybody can do that.
This is more natural.

But in this case, since we're
throwing a party for Mia...

I wanna make this
as good as it can be.

I'm creating a shelter,
tapping into my wild spirit.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm kind of starting to sound like
Missy here, which is scaring me.

You may need to know this if
you're lost in the woods one day.

And you happen to
have 15 tarps on you.

What were you doing, going to a tarp
convention and got lost in the woods?

There's a lot of stuff
laying around in the woods.

- Not canvas.
- I just think— Look!

All right.

- Hey, my bad, Survivorman.
- I'm trying to do something fun here.

- This is fun?
- It'd be fun if you'd let me clip it.

- So I just hold this?
- Hold on.

This is complicated, and you gotta do
this right, or we'll have to do it over...

Yeah, it looks real
complicated. It's a sheet.

Can I clip that?

The most effective way to manage
a team is the hands-off approach.

Once you've assembled a
team as strong as this one...

you can just let it go.

- When you gonna let me clip this?
- Last.

If I've gotta stand here and hold this
for the whole party, this is gonna get old.

Just let everybody else do the work,
and offer your help when it's needed.

- Let's do it. Crap.
- I wanna clip that now. You ready?

- Godwin, don't do it.
- I don't know what's going on.

- You wanna clip it now?
- No.

When you want me to clip it?
Can I clip that now? I wanna clip it.

Can I clip it now? Can I
clip this now? Can I clip that?

You got one job, and
that's to hold that knot.

- Clip it?
- Nope, don't clip it.

Clip that.

- You cannot micromanage.
- It's freezin' out here.

They've got to learn
to walk on their own.

No, no, no. You're not
clipping around here.

Just push that baby bird
out of the nest and let it fly.

- You let that down. Let that down.
- Godwin, let go.

Huh?

Or it hits the
ground really hard.

Here she is.

Boys, let me tell you
what's fixin' to happen.

I been doing this
for 20 years with her.

She's gonna walk up.
She's gonna hate it.

You're just wasting your time, son.
You ought to just put it down right now.

How can you not like this?

I'm gonna tell her we tried
our best, but it's a crappy idea.

I disagree. It's
not a crappy idea.

Good. I'll tell her it's your
idea, and then you'll look stupid.

Fine.

- Hey, Korie.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- I think it's going pretty good.

This whole thing is stupid.

This whole rope system you've
concocted, it's gonna hold these tarps up?

- Yes.
- Is that stupid or what?

- Do you think it's gonna be secure enough?
- I'm hoping it will.

Yep, people will be hurt.

I love the natural color tarp.
That's gonna look really good.

- Uh-oh.
- I can't wait to see it finished.

I'm with you. Yeah, I
think it's gonna work.

I want to know how you get that
part of the decorating crew job.

Phil just sitting over there
cleaning his shotgun...

and, shocker, Jep
not doing anything.

They're going hunting. They
gotta get some ducks for the gumbo.

- Do what?
- We need ducks.

- Miss Kay's making gumbo.
- You're sending Jep?

- Well, with Phil.
- I mean, that's ridiculous.

I realize I'm the dad. So
I'll do whatever it takes...

to make this party a success.

Jep?

But it does kind of
make you wonder...

whose idea was it
to send Jep hunting?

How does he always
weasel himself into...

Let's face it. Jep's
not that much help...

when it comes to climbing
and stringing rope and all that.

- And working.
- Or just help in general.

One would realize that I'm a way
better duck hunter than I am a decorator.

Why Jep? I'm the most qualified.

My talents are being
severely under used.

I guess 'cause he's the baby.

But, hey, I'm a team player.
What do you want me to do?

Jep, shut up!
We're trying to work!

Look at Jep over
there doing nothing.

I wasn't waving, you idiot.

- He thinks we're waving at him.
- I wasn't waving. I wasn't waving!

What's he talking about?

I don't know. I guess he
just wanted to say hey.

I doubt that.

I ain't going over
there to find out.

I don't blame you.

I'm clipping it.

Dad, when you get done cleaning
that gun, will you clean mine?

- Yeah, I'll knock it out.
- Thanks, Dad.

Oh!

Oh, look, Dad. It's Gordon.

Look at this rig. Does that
have "yuppie" written all over it?

- How are y'all?
- Good.

- Jess. Jess.
- What?

- You get to see Gordon.
- I've seen Gordon, babe.

No. You've never seen them two
together, rag on each other. It's awesome.

How did you pull it off, marrying
my sister? I just wanna know.

- Watch him. It's funny.
- So how you been?

- You look homeless.
- You look mighty bright.

- Thank you.
- Where'd you get that shirt?

Jan bought it for me.

See?

Gordon is the only one
of the Robertson clan...

where he seems to be
some kind of psychiatrist.

Or insurance man,
something like that.

Clean pants, khakis.

Like it's a bad thing.

If you took a picture
of the Robertson clan...

they would say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Robertson, Robertson, Robertson...

Uh-oh, let's back up a little bit.
Who's that guy there in the pink?"

Fresh out of Florida.

What's the deal with that dude?

I'm not used to looking at a neat
person. You know what I'm saying?

- I know exactly what you're saying.
- Yeah.

He married in.
Oh! Oh, excuse me.

You ought to try it.

What was the line
to make you say...

"I think I'll spend the rest of
my life with a guy from Florida"?

She was looking for a man that
was not from the Paleolithic Era.

If you know what I mean.

I don't.

The caveman era?

Hmm.

I love it.

- Yep.
- Yeah, I do have a caveman.

Yeah.

So, uh, you guys are
going hunting, huh?

Yeah, we're going hunting.
We go every day, Gordon.

Why don't you take
him hunting, Phil?

Mmm.

I think it's a good idea.

My dad isn't known for
being a good people person...

and that's with people he likes.

Gordon, you a big duck
hunter right out of Florida?

Yeah. I can outshoot you.
I can guarantee you that.

Oh!

I don't know,
Gordon, about that.

When he's around people he doesn't
like, that's when you get the popcorn...

sit back and
watch the fireworks.

We'll just have to find out when
we get out there in the duck...

blind or whatever you call it.

Nothing's better than
Dad versus Gordo.

- Would you like for him to go?
- Yeah.

Yes, definitely.

It's gonna be
embarrassing for you.

Hey, whatever you think.

Let's go see if you
can shoot a gun...

as well as you shoot that
mouth of yours off here.

This is gonna be awesome.

Is this all this thing does?

This thing here
run like a Cadillac.

You drive like an old lady.

I must admit old Gordon
got a look about him.

Yeah. Looks like
some kind of banker.

You can tell he ain't
from around here.

When you have an
extra spot in your blind...

and you got an extra man
over there on the sideline...

- I'd say he looks like a teacher.
- Maybe a psychiatrist, you know?

Looks like you're gonna
play golf or something.

As a southerner you
say, "Well, the right thing

to do would be to give
the spot to old Gordon."

He got the four-day Yasir
Arafat beard growth going there.

But when you take a guy duck
hunting and he shows up in pink...

This is not pink.
It's watermelon.

Just something
not right about that.

Do you got hair
spray in your hair?

It's a first, but
we'll make it work.

We gotta do something
about them pants too, Dash.

- What do you mean?
- White britches.

With a little mud on them
britches, you'll be ready to go there.

- Whoa now. Hold on.
- This is the old gray beard at 80.

- Whoa! Oh!
- Oh!

That will get them
britches the right color.

Whoa now! Oh! Oh!

I'm getting my shoes wet.

And my back.

Oh!

Oh! Whoa-oh-oh!

- Let's do it again, Dad!
- Now you're ready to go huntin'.

I need something else to wear.

All of a sudden it hit me. My
inner self said, "This is too good."

You should never
listen to your inner self.

It's probably wrong.

Typical Willie to miss
the forest for the trees...

while we're in the woods.

No, I'm saying we
did too good a job...

'cause now they're gonna
be expecting this every time.

It's pretty hard to
do is what I'm saying.

- It's not that impressive.
- Oh, it's awesome.

What we're creating
here is one of the

greatest parties the
world has ever known...

for my daughter.

You know, for rednecks,
this is Egyptian pyramid stuff.

It's a sheet in the air.

However, this is the same man
who used zip ties to make an arbor...

for my parents' wedding.

We should've got a tent.

Si, what are you
doing in my truck?

I took me a nap.

What'd you leave
my door open for?

Trust me. You'll want me
leaving the door open, okay?

Take a nap in your own truck.

Y'all gonna raise the flag, or
you gonna play tiddlywinks?

As you're putting on
bungee cords for suspenders?

No, these are suspenders.

You kind of got a
wrestler look there.

Pretty cool. I like it.

I don't think Si would
make a very good wrestler.

He'd make an awesome one. He's
already got the catchphrase and everything.

- Yeah.
- What is the catchphrase?

"Hey."

No. "Hey" is just
a word. One word.

Hey, look, y'all. I've been sayin' "Hey"
before I could even remember, okay.

And, look, I can tell you one
thing, though— It's not a catchphrase.

I went to school, okay. A
phrase is three or more words.

Not a catchphrase.

"Hey"— No. What's
"catch" gotta be with it?

If you want a catchphrase—
"Elementary, my dear Watson."

"Live long and prosper."
"Book 'em, Danno."

"Did I do that?"

"You're fired."

"What you talkin' 'bout,
Willis?" "Dyn-o-mite!"

"One, two, three! He's out!"

- Hey.
- No. It's still just one word.

Hey, "Hey" ain't no catchphrase.

Just one word.

That's about as
stupid as it gets, boys.

That is the catchphrase.
Everybody has to have one.

- You ain't got no catchphrase.
- What're you talkin' about?

- Cut To The Chase Jase.
- Oh, my gosh, Jase.

Everyone knows
that the catchphrase...

is the cornerstone to
being a great wrestler.

- That is so stupid.
- No, it's not. That's action.

It also means that if you're
gonna watch wrestling...

you have to have
your own catchphrase.

I don't think it works.

Well, we disagree. What a shock.

I thought everybody knew this.

We agree to disagree.

No, we don't agree to
disagree. We just disagree.

We agree on our disagreement.

No, we don't agree.
We just disagree.

We agree that we disagree.

There is some agreement
on the disagreement.

I just want to disagree. I
don't want to agree to anything.

You're wrong.

Except Willie. Nothing's
ever easy with him.

What's happenin', hoboes?

He just call us a hobo?

What are y'all up to?

We're hanging tarps.

- And we're talking about
wrestling catchphrases.

Cut To The Chase Jase.

That's your catchphrase?

Of course it's my catchphrase.

Mine's "Bang Zone."

"Bang Zone"? That's
a terrible catchphrase.

Bang Zone. It's always—
Everybody knows that.

- Bang Zone.
- That's been around since the '80s.

Bang Zone, how are
you at lifting tarps?

I'm not here to lift tarps. I'm
here to get your credit card.

I gotta go down and
take care of the family.

- For what?
- For the hotel.

You're the one that said
they could stay at a hotel.

I never— I said they could stay at a
hotel. I didn't say I was paying for it.

It's family, man. Come on.

It was your idea. Get
the money out. Fork up.

You know what my
catchphrase is gonna be?

"Put it on a card...

but I got cash too."

That's pretty cool.

- "Put it on the card"?
- Put it on the card, but I got cash too.

Why would you need
a card if you had cash?

Just— It's options.

Just drop the "cash"
part and maybe.

You should've just called
yourself The American Express.

- You got the bandanna on—
- No, it's not The American...

It's "Put it on the card,
but I got cash too."

- "Put it on the card,
but I got cash too"?
- That's how it—Yeah.

No. "Deep pockets cash,
doin' the cash card mash."

That's right. 'Cause you got
the cash or carry cards, all right...

with the Boxcar Willie mash.

Gordon, you're beginning to look
like a real man in that camo, dude.

I reek. I smell like a
dump truck or something.

Somebody died in this thing.

- Ew.
- I don't know what it is.

It's because we never
wash our hunting clothes.

- For real?
- Ever.

Miss Kay likes to say,
"Cleanliness is next to godliness."

Which is kind of a strange
thing for a hoarder to say but, hey.

Why?

Because you wash
the warmth out of 'em.

Modern people are
obsessed with cleanliness.

Soap powder is not a good
thing for hunting clothes.

- That might be the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
- It's the truth.

Leaching and bleaching one's apparel every
30 minutes, that's not next to godliness.

I don't know what you call it.

Dad, I think that's only you.
I actually wash my clothes.

Nope.

Actually, that's next to germophobia.
That's what I would call that.

My hunting clothes, I hang
'em up and let 'em air-dry.

They'll smell as fresh
as the wind-driven snow.

You do not smell as fresh
as the wind-driven snow.

- I can't smell me.
- Can you smell me?

I can't smell you either.

- For real?
- I'm not smelling me or you.

- Can you smell me?
- Yes.

Dude, you smell
like a dragon fart.

It's an earthy smell.
You get used to it.

How often do you
personally bathe?

Mmm, during hunting
season, once a week.

That often, huh?

Yo.

How long has that been in there?

Now that I've stirred the hornets'
nest, time to sit back and watch.

I guarantee you there are ticks and
other vermin crawling around in there.

I have found ticks
in my whiskers.

My dad can get really
annoyed by Gordon.

You know, they invented razors.

- Razors?
- Yeah.

Reason being— Gordon
is really annoying.

Someone needs to do
a microbial inspection.

They need to find out
what that is growing in there.

He's a great man. Very annoying.

I thought we were
gonna go duck hunting.

I haven't seen a single
duck yet. Where are they?

You're learning the
exercise of patience, Gordon.

Got to be patient.

At some point it does
involve ducks, right?

See, this is hunting. You wait.

How could it be hunting if
you're sitting in one spot?

Hunting is the pursuit
of some animal.

We're not pursuing anything.
We're waiting for them to come here.

You learn how to be patient.

I don't see any
ducks in the sky.

I don't see any
ducks in the water.

I don't hear any
ducks in the distance.

There's a du— Oh, no,
that's a speck on my glasses.

This is fun, though.

I'm glad you're
enjoying it there, Gordo.

- You missed him.
- Crap, I thought I had that one.

- I didn't.
- You didn't?

Gordon, I've noticed—
We've already killed...

Let's see, one, two,
three, four, five, six, seven.

These seven cannot be
attributed to your gunning skills.

I'm not used to this
gun. That's the problem.

Yeah. We're beginning
to believe that, really.

Any guy who's not a
seasoned veteran...

makes it more difficult to
kill ducks, no doubt about it.

Look, Blue ducked 'cause he's not
used to people like yuppies huntin'.

So he's thinking, "Well, if he
shot, where are the ducks?"

Does he know how to call?
Does he know how to shoot?

Does he know how to hide
himself and not rubberneck?

Bomp, bomp, bomp.

See, you've depressed my
dog. My dog is depressed now.

Maybe he can go get some
therapy somewhere, dog therapy.

I'm not sayin' that all hope
is lost with old Gordon...

but we may not find it today.

It would make me feel
better if you could kill a duck.

I'll kill a duck.

'Cause I don't want your manhood
completely destroyed here in one day.

Trust me, my
manhood is fully intact.

- Trust me.
- Yeah.

Ask your sister.

- Yes, sirree.
- Gordon. Gordon.

- I'm just sayin'.
- That's gross.

♪ Oh, yeah Oh, yeah ♪

- It's fully intact.
- Gordon, right here on your right.

Right here. Cut him.

All right, Jep. That's a good
one to quit on. Let's call it a wrap.

- Yep.
- Where we going?

Every time that we take
a yuppie duck hunting...

I am reaching out
to the human race.

You gotta give me a chance,
man. I was out of practice.

- No. The chances are over.
- Hold on, guys.

A fellow like Gordon,
he doesn't realize all that.

He just wanna go duck hunting. He
think we go and get 'em every day.

Just take you a few more hunts,
and you'll blend in and bond with us.

- You know what I'm sayin'?
- I can't wait.

It's quite the
opposite, actually.

Wait a minute. Is
that one right there?

- Hey!
- I got that sucker.

Well, what do you know?

Miracles do happen.

- Well, I'm feeling better about him.
- We can go now.

- Now you're a man.
- I was a man before.

- Oh, yeah.
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- We need to do this again.
- No.

You know what
I can't figure out?

Why Hacksaw Jim
Duggan never had a saw.

He just had a two-by-four.

He should've been
Two-By-Four Jim Duggan.

That don't have the same ring.

Spread it out
thinner. It's too cloppy.

Yeah. I'd like to get old Hacksaw
Jim Duggan's two-by-four...

and do a little work on you.

I've had a few favorite
wrestlers in my life...

but none of 'em compared
to Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Ah!

Shoot! Ah!

The man was an American
through and through.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

And on top of all that...

he had the greatest
catchphrase...

the wrestling world
has ever known.

Ho!

Ho!

It doesn't get any
better than that.

Y'all get back to
work. Back to work!

That's it. That's
your catchphrase.

- What?
- Oh.

- "Get back to work."
- I like it. Get Back To Work Willie.

You come out to the ring.
You get up there and you say...

"Get back to work!"

- Get back to work.
- Get back to work.

- Get back to work! Ho!
- Ho!

No, you can't use the "Ho."
That's already been used.

How about a work whistle?

- That's it.
- Get back to work. That's pretty good.

What?

- What in the world?
- It's here!

Whoa, Nelly!

I wish I could say this is
the best idea I've ever had...

but I have other good ideas all the
time, so it's actually hard to keep track.

What is this?

You're gonna like it.
You're gonna like it.

Plus, Jase had his hand in this idea, so
automatically that takes it down a notch.

Bouncy house. Bouncy house.

It's better than a bouncy house.

Nothing's better
than a bouncy house.

But still a solid idea.

The kids, they're gonna
have the time of their lives.

And it's all about the kids.

- What?
- Ta-da!

- That's not a bounce house.
- What is that?

It's a wrestling ring!

No bouncy house?

Godwin, we're still
getting a bouncy house...

but this is the
pinnacle of the party.

Is it safe?

- No.
- This is what Mia wanted.

She wanted to see
the cousins wrestle.

This is not put together,
and it looks like a lot of work.

So get back to work!

- What happened to the whistle?
- Crap.

- Godwin.
- All right. Y'all put this thing together.

What, are you allergic
to wrestling rings now?

I gotta pay the guy.
Y'all get back to work.

- Look at that mess.
- Ah, sweet.

What is that?

Look at this. Huh?

- Don't even think about it.
- Give me the crown.

Let me see that.

Now we're getting somewhere.
I'm the king of this baby.

Uh-oh.

Mia's gonna love these costumes.

- Huh?
- Here you go, Burger King.

Or... they're gonna terrify her.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, Godwin.

Oh, my goodness.

This could be the
party of her dreams...

- Yes, sirree, Bob.
- Uh-oh.

Or the beginning of
recurring nightmares.

That's not for guys with beards.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

- It won't even fit your head.
- It works.

No.

- It's a little snug.
- Are you taking a selfie?

Yes.

- That looks awesome.
- No, it doesn't.

- Seriously, it doesn't.
- Why not?

- There's too much hair coming out.
- It doesn't matter.

- Huh?
- It doesn't matter.

How many of those have you
seen with hair coming out of 'em?

- I think it looks awesome.
- It looks like you kidnapped...

a family of rats
with a blue tow sack.

- Let me try it.
- Hey.

Okay, we got
something going now.

That's it. Look at it.

- That is it.
- That's it.

Yah!

- It actually improved your look.
- It did.

Yah!

El Luchador.

What's that? Bullfighters?

That's a matador, dummy.

I'm El Luchador.

All right.

- Yah!
- There's some work to be done there.

That's not even how you do it.

I'm keeping this on.

All right, whatever.
Y'all get back to work.

Oh, here we go.

I'm El Luchador. Yah!

- Is that them?
- Yep, there they are.

- Did you have fun?
- Oh, yeah.

- Miss Kay, that what you're looking for?
- What is that smell?

That would be this jacket.

I think a dead man
laid in this jacket...

- for about a week before they
peeled it off of him.
- Smells like it.

- You stink, bro.
- I haven't smelled anything all day.

Phil smells about
like a dead lizard.

Dad, you don't
smell much better.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'd have never noticed if
you hadn't have brought it up.

I've smelled a lot of
dead lizards in my day...

and they don't smell good.

You should try
deodorant. It really works.

But I do love live
lizards. I play with 'em.

Bobo plays with 'em,
but he tries to murder 'em.

Did y'all have a
good time at least?

- Me and Dad killed a few ducks.
- Hey. I killed one.

- You killed a duck?
- Yeah. Yeah.

More yuppie luck than
anything else. But, hey.

- Yep, yuppie luck.
- Pure yuppie luck.

- He just winged it.
- Yuppie luck.

- I think it was a sick duck.
- I thought I was hallucinating.

- Yep.
- But it did happen.

- Yuppie luck.
- No doubt.

Yuppie luck.

I had an awesome
time. I know that.

Oh, it was a blast.

I think y'all should
go hunting again.

Don't y'all think you're a little
bit too old to be doing this stuff?

Oh, no.

Jase! They look
like little kids.

Normally, in a situation like this, I would
be concerned about Willie getting hurt.

There you go.

But I have not seen
Willie exercise this much...

since he stopped doing the
Tae Bo videos in the living room.

Okay, somebody's gonna get hurt.

And I think those
were on VHS too.

Willie will be
laid up for weeks.

It's been a while.

You okay, babe?

You're old men.
Y'all need to stop.

Ah!

The last fight that
Willie and I got into...

I mean physical altercation...

We were grown men.

D.D.T.!

Yes!

The fight ended with a
belly-to-back piledriver...

He's out!

Onto the kitchen table.

Compliments of Jase.

Wait. I'm up!

- Y'all got a wrestling ring?
- Yeah.

Y'all wanna go another round?

You're the one that
got to duck hunt.

We had to stay and work.

That was terrible.
I wanna wrestle.

No, you don't.

- I can show y'all the hobija-hey.
- Havija-what?

Show us your havija-hey.

Heck, yeah.

You gotta grab 'im right here.

Oh!

My older brothers have
picked on me my whole life...

but it's only made me stronger.

Jep, get up!

Mama always called
me her little Macho Man.

But even the Macho
Man couldn't take on...

Stone Cold Steve Austin and
Andre the Giant at the same time.

- All right. Here we go!
- Oh!

But win or lose, I'm gonna still
go home with Miss Elizabeth.

Take him down, Jep!

Oh, yeah!

How did he do that?
'Cause that hurts my... throat.

No. No.

Oh!

I think I got the
worst end of that.

Oh, yeah!

Look at this crew.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hi! Hey, kiddos.

Y'all are so sweet to
come in the freezing cold.

The Robertsons are coming out
of the woodwork for this reunion.

This is gonna show true love...

'cause if people come when it's
this cold, it's gotta be out of love.

And this just shows Mia...

that our family
tree is gnarly...

and bearded.

Let's go party.
You want to, Mia?

Let's do this.

So here we are at the
Robertson family reunion...

on a very, very cold day.

But the whole family came out...

so we're gonna be getting to
know a few of the family members.

How are y'all related
to the Robertson family?

Tell us your name and how
you're related to the family.

Um, Katie. This is
my husband, Butch.

- We're first cousins?
- That's right.

Chrys Howard. I'm related to
Korie because she is my daughter.

- Prove it.
- Huh?

- Prove it.
- Prove it?

My grandmother
Judy was Phil's sister.

Paisley? Her name is
Paisley. She's so pretty.

My mom is related to Willie.

State your name and how you're
related to the Robertson family.

Hello. What is your name?

Hi. I'm Trasa.
I'm Si's daughter.

And how are you related to us?

- Hi! I'm Si's grandson!
- Hi!

Si's grandchildren?

Hey. What's your name?

You want your mommy?

Oh! Oh!

No hitting.

Can you believe this many people
turned out in that short of notice?

I didn't realize we
had this much family.

- Hey!
- How you doin'?

- What's up, Cuz? How are ya?
- How you been?

So what's the ring all about?

That's a surprise, son. We
got a little surprise in store.

- Oh, yeah?
- Who doesn't like a wrestling ring?

- Wasn't it you that one time with Amy?
- Yes.

- She had you pinned down like a rag doll.
- No. She didn't have me pinned down.

I was always taught
to never hit a girl.

And when you're young, that
gives them an unfair advantage.

She had me pinned down for a
second, and then I spun around...

threw the leg scissors
on her, and lights out.

- That's not the way I remember it.
- That's the way it happened.

Plus she knew karate.
At least she said she did.

- You got whooped by a woman.
- I didn't get whooped by a woman.

Y'all got a fuzzy memory
about these things.

I guess I have to thank her,
though, because otherwise...

I would have never
taken up Tae Bo.

Or is it Tae Bo?

- There she be.
- Hey, there's Amy right there.

- Is it time for a rematch maybe?
- I saw her.

I've buried the hatchet.
Hey, Amy! How are you?

Oh, crap.

Well, I will see you
on the other side.

- Uh— - John, where
you living at now?

It was good catching
up with you guys.

- You ready to get this thing started?
- Yeah.

- I gotta find Mia.
- All right.

Hey! All right!

All right. I just want to
welcome everybody...

to the Robertson family reunion.

And, uh...

Thank you guys so
much for showing up.

Good to see some,
uh, familiar beards.

- Will.
- Huh?

You gotta turn on the mike.

All right!

Uh, the reason
that we're here...

is because of Mia.

She's gonna have surgery. We
asked her what she wanted to do...

and she said she wanted
to have a big family party.

So this is for her.

And we wanted to encourage
her as she goes into surgery...

and really just be
together as a family.

Thank you. I asked Mia if she
wanted to say a few words...

and she said she would.

And so I'm gonna
give you Mia Robertson.

And evidently she
has some notes.

She done broke
out a speech here.

My name is Mia
Elaine Robertson...

and I was born with a
cleft lip and cleft palate.

Jase and I try to focus on
being brave and strong...

and a support system for Mia.

I had four surgeries so far...

and I'll have another
one in a few days.

It's a biggie.

But then, you know, I
look at her and I think...

"She's being
brave for all of us."

I have to drink all my
food for three months.

I'm a little scared about that because
I'm really gonna miss chicken nuggets.

It makes me realize
that she's growing up.

My favorite verse
is Psalm 46:10.

"Be still, and know
that I am God."

I like this verse because whenever
I feel sad or have struggles...

I know that God is
bigger than all that...

and he is bigger than
any of your struggles too.

My daughter is
just an amazing kid.

We're just all really
impressed by her.

Thank you for coming.

Now you're probably wondering
why there's a wrestling ring here.

We got a little
surprise for you guys.

Y'all ready?

- Yeah!
- Johnny D.!

Oh!

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Let's get ready to wrestle!

Most family reunions
involve a three-legged race...

a couple of hot
dogs, cheesy T-shirt.

That's not how the
Robertsons do things.

We have none other than...

- Ho!
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

Ho!

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

There's always gotta be an
awesome factor at every event.

- We need a referee.
- Si!

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh! Whoa!

For us it's not a party until someone's
come off the top turnbuckle...

with the elbow.

Uh-oh.

Get out there.

- Ho!
- Ho!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Ho!

You take a male redneck to
a chick flick, he wants to fight.

You take him to a wrestling
event, he'll cry like a baby.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh!

It's because wrestling to
rednecks is a soap opera.

They're addicted to it.

- Hit him!
- Get him, Si!

One, two, three!

He's out!

Whoa!

Let's pray together.

Father, we love you.

We're grateful
for the gift of life.

We're all mindful of Mia and the
surgery that she has to undergo.

We pray that she will continue
to have that smile on her face...

and bring joy to
those around her.

Through Jesus we pray. Amen.

Amen.

Sometimes family means
everybody has to pull together...

to get through tough times.

Even though this
family reunion...

was born out of something
difficult— Mia's surgery...

What came out of it
was something great.

Our kids were introduced
to long lost relatives...

and we had a sweet
backyard wrestling match.

And while the tales of my own
previous wrestling matches...

may or may not be true...

what I do know is that
this family reunion...

is going to be talked
about for years.

And that's one of the greatest
things a family can pass down...

Stories people can tell
for generations to come.

Well, that and the recipe to
Miss Kay's duck jambalaya.

All right. Y'all
get back to work.

Hey, that ain't no catchphrase.