Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 9 - Going Si-ral - full transcript

John Luke, I prayed this
day would never come.

Yes, sir. It's a bad
deal for everybody.

Bad deal for everybody? It's a
bad deal for me worse than you.

- I'm just glad everybody's okay.
- John Luke got into a little accident.

And you don't even
have a scratch on you.

I think the truck
took the brunt of it.

I mean, the truck
protected him. Good night.

- The good news is he's fine.
- How bad is it? On a scale from one to 10.

It's probably a five.

The bad news is...

A five?



My truck isn't.

John Luke, we gotta
work on your rating system.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Gentlemen.

- What's up, boss?
- Y'all need to get this order done.

We're gonna do it.

You say that every time,
you never get it done.

We always get it done. You
always say we never get it done.

If I didn't say you wouldn't
get it done, you wouldn't.

- Dad-gummit.
- But we always get it done.

- What's the deal with this thing?
- What's the problem over there, boys?



- My tablet ain't working.
- Only thing working in here is e-mail.

- Yeah. You know why?
- It's a piece of junk, that's why.

'Cause I shut it down.

- What?
- Bye-bye, Wi-Fi.

It's come to my attention...

that these slappies have been
spending too much time on the Internet.

Firewall? What?
I'm trying to get on.

So I installed a firewall in order
to shut down their Internet usage.

I have no idea what he's talking
about, but can he really do that?

Twitter, Facebook,
Myspace, Yourspace.

I blocked all the
social media sites.

- What'd you do that for?
- I did a little research...

and I found out all the
crap y'all been looking at.

Hash tag: Get over it.

- How we supposed to do anything?
- Yeah. What's the password?

- Get back to work.
- Is that capitalized?

- "Get back to work"?
- That's not the password.

That means it's
get back to work.

I must break you.

- I'm not giving you the password.
- You need to.

This is just ridiculous.

There are two types of
people at Duck Commander.

Get off the social media
sites, and start working.

There are those who occasionally
use the Internet to pass the time.

- Well, I wanna tweet.
- What would you possibly tweet?

That you're balder today
than you were yesterday?

Then there are those who have
absolutely no idea what the Internet is.

Hiyah! All right, boys, how
do I tweet on this thing?

Hey, it's got buttons,
cyberspace and it's useless.

I'm fixin' to throw this
piece of trash in the trash.

There's also a third type
of user— The Internet hog.

- What?
- You keep bringing up social media...

like you're not on social media.

I'm hardly ever on social media.

I bet you tweeted before
you walked in here.

No, I did not.

"Gotta go quack some
skulls in the duck call room"?

All right, this is exactly
why I'm putting...

"Hash tag: Life as a boss."

- All right, you get to work.
- Hey, I got your tweet right here.

That's a crow, Si, not a tweet.

I can't believe John
Luke did that to my truck.

Just dumb.

You're the one taught
the kids how to drive.

- I'm an excellent driver.
- You're not an excellent teacher.

- Wasn't my teaching that was the problem.
- You're not a good teacher.

- Uh, just know this— - You're
not a good driving teacher.

- Hey, I'm the one who's
got— - You're 0-for-2.

What else could it be?

He must've got this
dumbness from Jase or Si.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, looky here, looky here.

- Hey, cutie pies.
- Sorry about your truck, Willie.

Tell me about it.

- Least John Luke made it out okay.
- That was really a miracle.

- It's a miracle.
- Not a miracle for my truck.

Apparently, Korie and Jessica don't really
understand the definition of a miracle.

- It is a miracle.
- A miracle is when John Luke was born.

- That's a miracle.
- That is a miracle.

- Him destroying my truck— - I'm
just so thankful everybody's safe.

It's a miracle.

Not a miracle.

- This is the worst you could imagine.
- Are you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm ready. I just
need to get my purse.

- What's happening here?
- We're taking the kids to Kay's.

I thought you were
taking me to get a loaner.

So we can get mani-pedis.

You have to take me
to get the loaner truck.

I didn't know.

- We can just drop him off on the way.
- All right, come on. Let me grab my purse.

- And at least John Luke is safe.
- It's a miracle.

Not a miracle.

Hey, check this out.

Dang!

What are y'all watching?

That's exactly why
I'm a duck hunter.

Is this a movie?

No. It's YouTube, Si.
It's got a lot of videos.

- You toot?
- YouTube.

Willie didn't block that?

No. He forgot one
Web site on the firewall.

- You know that guy?
- No.

You make your own video,
and you can put it on there.

- Unvideos?
- Si, there's all kinds of videos.

Trying to explain
technology to Si...

- What do you say that this thing was?
- YouTube.

- MeTube?
- YouTube.

- Si, why can't you get this?
- It's impossible.

- WhoTube?
- YouTube.

YouTube.

That's the name
of the Web site, Si.

This would be like teaching
calculus to a bunch of toddlers.

That's the dumbest name
I ever heard of. YouTube?

- Yeah.
- No wonder nobody knows what it is.

The only difference here is you
can send the toddler to his room...

and he will leave
you alone for a while.

Are y'all telling me,
hey, this is a magic box

that I can conjure up
any movie in the world?

- It's a computer, but yeah.
- Anything about anything.

- Watch this one, Si.
- Okay, what we got here?

It's a large woman on a table.

- Too much woman, not enough table.
- She just broke something.

Hey, that's the most horrible thing
I ever seen, Martin. Play it again.

Look, I can really
get into this YouTube.

Good grief. That's
pretty neat there.

- They got everything on this thing.
- Wait for it.

- This oughta be good here.
- They got fainting goats.

Oh!

Sneezing pandas.

That's pretty cool.

Double complete
rainbows. All the way.

- Charlie bit my finger.
- Wow!

Pow, pow.

Wham!

Where's this Internet
been all my life?

- All right, let's go eat.
- Burger time.

- Let's go eat some burgers.
- I ain't going. Hey.

- You don't wanna come?
- Save me a couple of 'em...

- and bring 'em back with you.
- All right, you crazy geezer.

Black panther.

Wow! Look how slick he moves.

You can't even see how
he moves, he moves so slick.

Good grief, that sucker
kicked him with both feet.

- Goll!
- Oh, here we go.

- Si, are you still on that?
- Yeah, I'm still on it.

- Hey, did y'all go eat something?
- Yeah, we ate.

- No.
- Yes.

You have to be
extremely careful...

when introducing
Si to new technology.

You gotta be kidding
me. Y'all just left.

Now you know why
it's called the Web.

Talkin' about a spider web.

He becomes
obsessed with new fads.

- It is pretty cool.
- And you're addicted.

It's like eating potato chips.

Once you crunch on one,
you're ready for the next one.

But their instructional
videos are horrible.

Hey, that reminds me. I need you to
help me set up a page on this thing.

A YouTube page?

Yeah. I'm goin' make
an instructional video.

We can do that.

- What are you laughing about?
- You can't do anything.

What are you talking about? No.

All right, look here. People
need to be taught everything.

I can tell 'em
how to train dogs.

I can tell 'em
how to catch fish.

- How to walk, how to
talk— - Or hunt ducks.

How to eat a hard-shell taco
without all the good stuff falling out.

I can tell 'em how to
give a proper handshake.

Ain't nothing worse than feeling
like a wet dishrag in your hand.

Tea refills, bathroom
breaks, how to Dougie, okay?

Okay? And I can also
tell 'em how to play golf.

Si, you don't play golf.

You know what? I oughta make an
instructional video on the art of napping.

Step one: Hey, go to sleep.

Hey, that's it.

Since when have you become
a professional golf instructor?

Hey, I worked as chief
greens keeper for three years?

So what?

I don't need wooden teeth to
teach you about George Washington.

That actually makes sense.

- Golf is a very simple game.
- Yeah.

Si, I think you got a
great idea going here.

You got the camera.
You're a camera man.

- I got a camera right in the other room.
- You bring the camera...

meet me over at the
golf course, all right?

I believe, Si.

Don't let the door hit
your butt when you leave.

- You think it's gonna be great?
- No. It's gonna be terrible.

- I'm not missing this.
- I'm going.

- All right, let's go.
- Let's go.

- This is gonna be epic.
- It's gonna get like a million hits.

- We'll get some hot dogs on the way.
- - We just ate.

Well, it looks like your
paperwork's in order,

so I'll just run around,
get your loaner truck.

- Sounds good.
- Thank you.

You about ready?

Yeah, we really
need to get going.

We're gonna miss our appointment. I
don't think we're gonna have time to get...

all the way out to
Kay's, drop the kids off.

No.

- Why don't you take 'em with you?
- Willie, look at them.

They're gonna be running around the whole
nail salon chopping chairs down and...

Tragic.

- Willie.
- Willie.

I've been married 21 years, so
I've heard every guilt trip out there.

I didn't know this was
gonna take this long.

Me neither.

We didn't know this
was gonna take this long.

Sucks for y'all.

And I see exactly
what's going on here.

- We'll just have to reschedule.
- Yep. Reschedule.

- Yeah, we'll just cancel for you.
- And I'm not falling for it this time.

- All right, look. Here's the deal.
- You would take 'em?

Ain't no way, ain't
no how. I am not...

- Thanks, Willie.
- Thank you, baby.

That's what I do. It's who I am.

On the other hand, I always love
winning a few extra points with Korie.

- That was really a miracle.
- That is a miracle.

All right, kids, y'all ready to have fun
with Uncle Willie? Hey, whoa! Easy.

All right, get your
crap. Let's go. Goll!

Hey, I love kids,
and kids love me.

- Hey.
- Turd.

This will be fun.

Ow!

And I'm gonna win points.

Goll.

Good thing Uncle Willie
doesn't take crap from anyone.

- Just having fun with the kids.
- All right.

- Hit him harder, River.
- All right, that's good. That's good.

Especially not a little
four-year-old with a faux-hawk.

Hey.

- Little punk.
- Ready to roll?

- Yeah.
- This is a 2014 Silverado.

- Most fuel efficient
V-8 en— - Hey. Stop it.

Do they have child restraints?

I don't know about that, but
it's got a great towing capacity.

- Ow!
- It's got a MyLink system.

Will it help your son to know that he
can't pull a soaked boat out of a river?

- Gotcha again.
- All right.

Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

All right. Do you have
an antisword device?

Ow!

And here he comes. Look at this.

Jep, I told you to meet
me with your camera.

What'd you invite
the three stooges for?

- Oh, we couldn't miss this.
- What are you wearing?

Look, you can't go out there
dressed like a "baffoon," okay?

Hey, look here. The first step in
instructing, you've gotta look the part.

Golf is a game of
"etiquit" and rules.

Hey, some people
might say I look goofy.

You gotta have
the proper attire on.

But what I say is, hey, I look
like a professional golf instructor.

You can have a horrible game,
but as long as you do it with class...

nobody's gonna give a flip.

If you wanna teach
somebody how to be a ninja...

then you gotta have one
of them little diapers on.

- All right. Jep, you ready?
- I'm ready.

Okay, well, turn it
off. I ain't quite ready.

Si— - You can't rush
perfection, boys.

- All right, here we go.
- Uh-oh. Don't hurt yourself, Si.

All right. Hey, this is
Si Robertson, all right?

Amateur golfer, but a
professional golf instructor.

Okay, listen...

Hey, will you idiots shut up?

- All right. We're sorry. Try again.
- All right. Four basic simple steps.

Step number one: stance.

Okay? Step two...

That's it?

Hey, what else you want?

Following Si anywhere
is usually a terrible idea.

Okay, step two: If you want this
ball to go a pretty good distance...

- you swing hard.
- Oh, that's deep.

- But I have to admit— -
Then paramount importance...

Hit the little white ball.

This trip has turned out to be far
more entertaining than I expected.

Crap!

This is awesome.

All right! Yup.
We're on the green.

- No, we're not.
- Yeah. We're on the green.

- No, not so much.
- Yeah. Hey, putting lesson's coming up.

Let's go. Grab it for me
and carry it there, caddie.

Am I the caddie?

You're made for
carrying loads, Godwin.

Si, this has to be the
worst instruction of all time.

What are you talking
about? I'm on the green.

Si, do you know
what the green is?

All right. Are y'all ready
to go to Ma-maw Kay's?

No!

- We want ice cream.
- Ice cream.

I've had plenty
experience raising children.

Please, please,
please, pretty please?

And one of the most important
lessons I've learned about kids...

We can get that later.
Let's go to Ma-maw Kay's.

Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream.

Saying no is a lot more
difficult than saying yes.

- Y'all ready for some ice cream?
- Yeah!

Especially when
they're not your kids.

See what we have. Hey,
I didn't even get to see.

Hey, welcome to Eskimo's.
What can I get for you?

Yay! We want a, uh...

What do you want?

I want a mix of...

I want a mix of that peach...

Okay. Just give her
a sundae. It's fine.

- A sundae?
- Yeah.

I want a big size.

Uh, small. Two smalls.

Taking care of kids is easy.

- Do you have hot dogs?
- We have simple dogs and chili dogs.

- Find out what they want.
- I want a mix of...

- Give me one of each.
- And then get it for them.

Who's your favorite
uncle? Me or Uncle Jase?

After today, Uncle Willie is gonna
be the most popular uncle ever.

- Uncle Willie.
- Yeah!

So, River, who's
your favorite uncle?

"Un-ull Lillie."

All right. I'm gonna
count that for Willie.

I wish making grown-ups happy
was as easy as making kids happy.

Don't get it on the truck.
Here. There's some napkins.

All right, kids.

The world would be
a much better place.

- Ah! I spilled it.
- Scilla, what did I just say?

Don't spill it.

Fore!

All right. Continuing along with Si
Robertson instructional video on golf.

First two was successful.
Good stance, good swing.

We're on the green.
Step number three.

- Figure out your long putts.
- Hold on.

I thought it was a penalty to
putt it with the flag in the hole.

- No. That's just superstition.
- Do you know what "superstition" means?

- "Superstition" means— -
Godwin, you wanna get the flag?

- I can do it.
- You can do that?

You're the caddie.
Don't run on the green.

- Don't run on the green.
- You can tell a lot about a golfer...

Look, you're making holes
right where you're going.

- By looking at his caddie.
- I ain't making holes in the...

You weigh 300 pounds.
You're making holes.

Godwin knows nothing about golf.

Godwin, quit playing with the
flag, and hold it straight, dummy.

You got a dump truck for a caddie.
Which makes him the perfect caddie for Si.

Godwin, pull the flag, and
move your foot, you idiot.

It's actually possible
that Godwin's caddying...

- Uh-oh.
- Godwin.

Is worse than Si's golfing.

Oh!

- He's a terrible caddie.
- It wasn't about to go in.

And that's saying a lot.

Hey, at this point, you
wanna bring in step four, okay?

- Don't overdo it.
- Let's see what you got.

- You overdid it.
- Okay, look, let's end this video.

Stance, swing...

- Long putt.
- Hey, long putt.

- And don't overdo it.
- Okay, and don't overdo it.

This is Si Robertson saying, hey, four
steps, and I'll make you a great golfer.

Let's get outta here.

I'm gonna have to find me
another caddie. I see that right now.

Rule number five:
blame the caddie.

Whoa!

Hello?

Kay, we're on our way.
Running a little late.

Hey, don't get that ice
cream on the truck, all right?

I have to say, driving
Scilla and River around

was not exactly at
the top of my list today.

But it's actually kind of fun.

Kay, it's hands-free.

Oh, River, you want some?

No, no, no. Don't give
each other ice cream.

And don't spill
anything, all right?

We're getting delicious ice
cream, I'm their favorite uncle.

I don't have to be holding
my phone. I'm just talking.

- Don't get it on the seats.
- Sorry.

It's kinda nice to spend an afternoon with
kids that don't cost you an arm and a leg.

- We need some napkins back here.
- Oh, crap.

Oh, yes.

- Oh, my gosh.
- My stomach hurts.

Do not throw up in
this truck, you hear me?

- Ooh, River!
- Oh, my Gosh.

So much for the new car smell.

Hey, don't let— Hey!

All right, that's it. I don't wanna
be the favorite uncle anymore.

I'm out.

- You're gonna clean that crap up, kids.
- You were "asponsible" for us.

All right, Jep, I can't take it anymore.
Let's look and see how many views it's got.

Let's see. Scroll down.

Ooh, 91 views. That's good.

- 91 views?
- It's only been on there for a minute.

Si, you got a few comments here.

JR1000 said, "Wow. This is
incredible. What an eye-opening video."

See? Hey, that guy gets it.

You ever have a buddy that is
constantly doing something embarrassing?

"Can't wait to dominate the
country club. Thanks, Golf Wizard."

- Hey.
- And everybody wants to tell him...

but nobody knows how.

This is great. We're
getting feedback.

- Well, that's Si.
- This other random guy named TheGodwin...

The only difference is
we tell him all the time.

Bingo! That guy, hey— he got it.

He just doesn't care.

All right, Si, there's
one more comment...

and this one may sting a little.

- Uh-oh.
- This is from Jep-TheGuyWhoMadeThisVideo.

And it says, "Hey, Si, the first comments
were by Jase, Godwin and Martin."

"Come on, man.

We love ya, but you are terrible at
golf. Thanks for some good laughs."

Hey, look here. Every great teacher in
the history of time has had naysayers.

Y'all messin' with me.

- No.
- No.

- No.
- These boys...

hey, they're just
jealous of my new talent.

Hey, you guys are idiots.
But hey, when I become a hit...

Hey, every party has a pooper,
boys. And you are poopers.

Guess who's gonna have
the last laugh then. Guess who.

Me.

Hey, look, you idiots are
blocked from my YouTube page.

Okay. It's quitting
time. Let's go.

Hey, you guys' comments
are gonna be thumbs down.

Yup. We're on the green.

Good night. I don't even
remembering ordering this much food.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Well, chalk that up for lesson learned.

They think you're the
best uncle in the world.

Yeah, I'm just glad
they didn't puke in here.

- Hey, kiddos.
- Hey.

- Hey, John Luke.
- Oh, what happened to your truck?

River and Scilla destroyed
the back of it with ice cream.

Well, Dad, it looks like you're
good at wrecking trucks too.

You know what? Let me
teach you a lesson about trucks.

Take this cleaner,
what's left of the

napkins, go ahead and
detail that truck, Son.

- Yes, sir.
- All right. Good luck, John Luke.

- Sorry, John Luke.
- What'd you do to this truck?

Make sure you get the
hot dogs out of there.

Father, thank you for this
good food you blessed us with.

Thank you, Father, for all our
family members, both young and old.

Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

Part of being a parent means letting
your kids make their own mistakes.

Handing over your car keys
to your teenager is never easy.

Hearing that they've had
an accident is even harder.

And though you may
wanna be mad at them...

the truth is you're just
thankful that they're still okay.

Because possessions like
my truck are just things—

Even if they are one-of-a-kind,
awesome, mud-digging things—

And things are replaceable.

Family isn't. Especially not Si.

By the way, Si, I
took that clip down.

- You embarrass us enough as it is.
- Hey.