Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 8 - Jerky Boys - full transcript

- Willie.
- Hmm?

You got a package
from South Africa.

Oh, my biltong.

- Biltong?
- My biltong.

- What's biltong?
- African jerky.

Oh, gol.

Anybody who knows about real
beef jerky knows about biltong.

From the land of
the great meats.

- You got wildebeest.
- Biltong is delicious.

- Kudu.
- Biltong is pungent.

- Springbok.
- Biltong is exotic.



- Gemsbok.
- And biltong is really, really fun to say.

- Is biltong an animal?
- Biltong is the word for African jerky.

Bil... tong. Biltong.

♪ Everybody wants
a little biltong ♪♪

Biltong.

Oh. That stinks.

Smells delicious.

- I smell me some meat.
- Hey. I lost the scent.

- It's down here.
- You're right. I smell it.

- What have you got?
- What?

- What's in the box?
- Tax stuff.

Son, I'm part bloodhound.
The nose don't lie.

We been trailing this.

Look here. I can
smell like a hawk, boys.



- It stinks, doesn't it?
- No. It smells delicious.

You name it,
hey, I can smell it.

I smell meat.
Ducks, deer, alligator.

I got work to do and this
whole office is smelling like...

Dog crap, cottonmouths,
Kay's cookin'.

It's biltong.

- Biltong. I told you.
- Bill Tom?

Keen sense of smell.

From South Africa.

- Bill bomb?
- Biltong.

- It's jerky.
- Why didn't he say that?

- It's what he said.
- I smell meat. Let's eat, son.

All right. This is mine.

I put Jack Link's in the
break room for you guys.

- That's why we came in here.
- No. We ate all that.

- I just put it in there.
- I know. That was gone yesterday.

I'm not here to feed you
guys. You're here to work.

Are you serious? You're
not gonna share that?

Mm-hmm.

- That's just wrong.
- Now you wanna eat it?

- No.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Buy your own crap.

That's it. I'm out of here.
You're a terrible brother.

- All right. Give me a piece of it.
- I just licked it.

- Right. Five second rule.
- That's when it hits the ground.

No. It applies to everything.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Willie's turned into
a jerk over this jerky.

I mean, he's got enough
for about three months...

which he'll probably
consume in three days.

We have, as rednecks,
the right to eat beef jerky.

Do you think the reason
he looks like Sasquatch...

is 'cause he eats
so much beef jerky?

Nah. I think that's 'cause he just
doesn't care about body appearance.

Beef jerky is a redneck's fuel.

John, did you just
eat all the Jack Link's?

I just told Willie we were out.

We are.

You take away
his beef jerky— Pfft.

You're worse than Willie.

Sittin' in a corner,
sucking his thumb.

Everyone knows that.

Si, what are you
doing with that box?

- This is my complaint box.
- What are you going to complain about?

I'm gonna complain about Willie not
giving me any of the jerky he just got in.

Hey, look here. I should have
thought of this complaint box years ago.

There is so much to complain
about around this joint.

- He's stingy.
- And selfish.

All right. We got no
sofas for napping.

No ice tea dispenser. They
took away camo Friday.

We need a lifelong
supply of coffee and jerky.

No taco truck.
Martin's ugly mug.

And, hey, the peanut to chocolate ratio in
the trail mix is on the peanut heavy side.

And we need a better
grade of toilet paper.

- That's right.
- That's a true statement.

That toilet paper we got
now, it's like John Wayne.

It don't take crap off nobody.

That's why I always go
to the women's bathroom.

They got better toilet paper.

Put that in the complaint box.

All right, look. I'm
gonna need a bigger box.

I tell you what we need to do.
We need to make our own jerky.

I got a lot of deer
meat at the house.

- I got a dehydrator.
- Perfect.

You don't want to
share your jerky? Fine.

- We'll go get the dehydrator.
- I'll go get the meat.

- I'll make my own biltong.
- We'll make our own jerky.

I'll call it "Jase-tong."

Let's go right now.

And when you ask for some of
it, you know what I'm gonna say?

Can't have any Jase-jerky.

Now that rolls off the tongue.

Jerky.

You know, I'm starting to put
the pieces to our problem together.

We drink a lot of
strong black coffee...

we eat a lot of beef jerky...

and we use a
lot of toilet paper.

I think y'all crap too much.

- Hey, Will.
- Willie.

- What in the world you-all doing here?
- We just got back from the doctor.

Oh-oh. You know what'll
help whatever you've got?

Some of this biltong.

- Well, simply
out— - We're dying.

What?

Miss Kay and I are healthy
as we can be, as far as I know.

- You're both dying?
- One of these days,
we figure to kick the bucket.

If you've made it 65 years, you're
like... way ahead of the game.

But we will go.

Did he say anything about
dying or someone dying?

Yeah. We're gonna die.

Mom, I know we're
gonna die at some point.

He never said specifically
what would kill us.

We're like everyone else. At
some point, presto, they gone.

So no one's dying, right?

Well, not at the moment.

We just wanna make sure that
what we leave behind is in order.

Is this about your will?

- Who gets what, so you don't fight.
- Oh, gosh, all right.

So I'm saying, let's go down
there, look at the property lines.

- Get it all divided up.
- Today?

Today. Right now.

I fell asleep in the
bathtub last night...

and it's about the hundredth
time I've done that?

I could just sink on down
into that water and that'd be it.

I don't know what the
doctors told Phil and Kay...

but now they're all
fired up about dying.

I opened the bathroom door, there
she is, laying back in the bathtub.

They're being a little
melodramatic if you ask me.

Mom, you're not gonna drown.
Who drowns in a bathtub?

Her cell phone
drowned in the bathtub.

And four books.
They're dead. All of it.

I swear, this conversation...

Have you thought about
just maybe taking a shower?

She lives in the bathtub.

Is gonna kill me.

Look, if it means we can just stop
this conversation, I'll come down.

We can look at the property.
We'll start from there.

- You the man.
- What is that smell?

It's biltong.

Looks like that's
dangerous to your health.

I still can't figure out why
don't we do this over a map?

Well, nothing sticks in a
man's ears like his father's voice.

- Oh, bull crap.
- This is a terrible plan.

Don't you think we should
write this down somewhere?

A man's word is better
than putting it on paper.

You ever wonder why families end
up arguing over their inheritance?

See, all this right here...

and the house behind you?

That goes to Alan,
your oldest brother.

What?

It's because their
parents ask their son...

who isn't getting the
house to remember the will.

- Why is it Alan's?
- He's the oldest.

- It's in the Bible. Tell him, Phil.
- Dates back to the Old Testament.

The firstborn had precedent
over all the rest of 'em.

I'm glad I didn't
get sacrificed.

Me too.

If you wanna guarantee that
your passing is handled correctly...

- However, if Al dies— - Jason.

And then next would be
Willie. And then it goes to Si.

You've got to make sure
you have a good backup plan.

Si's as old as crap.

I don't think you want to be
working him into the inheritance.

Well, we never thought
he'd live this long, did we?

The more backups, the better.

- You left out one of your sons.
- Well, that's right. There— No.

- Backups— - What about Jep?

- For backups— - It
really should be Jase...

- For backups— - To Willie...

- For backups.
- To Jep.

There you go.

Then to Si, if y'all all die, like
in a plane crash or something.

- Gol.
- Yup.

I probably should leave
something to Bobo and J.J. too.

We ain't getting any
younger, Will. Let's go.

Always be prepared.

Drive careful.

Godwin, show us
what you got here.

It's jerky time, boys.

Man. You know what they say.

A man's garage is a
reflection of his personality.

I got a lot of personality.

I see that.

Jase-jerky may
have hit its first snag.

So where's your dehydrator?

It's out here somewhere.
We just gotta dig for it.

The good news is
Godwin has a dehydrator.

You think you're gonna find
this dehydrator amongst all this?

That's also the bad news.

Because it's
somewhere in this shed.

The last time I
used it was— Um...

- I was making a sandwich one
time— - This bike is awesome, Godwin.

That's my little
mini-bike. I raced that.

They used to call
me the Flyin' Flea.

When I think of insects
that remind me of Godwin...

Now you're the crawling walrus.

I'm not thinking about a flea.

You can't even get on that now.

I can still ride them things.

Maybe a stink bug
or a giant beetle.

I might have put on a few pounds,
but I could smoke you on that.

In other words, something
that could eat a flea.

You ain't never seen
me ride, have you?

Oh, I don't have
to see you ride.

Godwin, this is about geometry.

- You got too much weight— -
Jase, I'm pretty sure it's physics.

Physics, chemistry,
geometry, zoology...

Let's take it out in the yard.

I just hate to whup a
man at his own house.

- I'm with Godwin.
- Why are you saying I'm a chicken?

Godwin, that's a croak.

Let's get it on, boys.

Well, let's do it.

- Let's get the race going.
- You don't have to tell me twice.

It's shut up or put up.

I think it's actually
"put up or shut up."

It's also physics, if
we're making corrections.

Phil, why we
gotta do this today?

Well, you never know. I
may kick the bucket tomorrow.

I'm starting to think this whole
inheritance land-division thing...

You know, they got aerial
maps. You can just look at this.

You don't have to physically
go out and look at it.

Is just an excuse for
Phil to hang out with me.

There's something about
eye-balling. Getting a visual.

Good-looking pear tree there.

I already know the
piece he plans to give me.

But I'll pretend
to be surprised.

For me? Oh, thank you.

Oh, man. This is cool.
Yeah. Look at that.

Aerial photograph
don't do justice.

I actually gotta agree with you.

You talk about pretty.
This thing's flowing fast too.

It used to flow way more than
that. I used to pee in an arc.

A high arc.

But now you gotta watch your
boots. You know what I'm saying?

I thought we were
having a moment, Dad.

Oh, I am having a moment.

- Gross.
- Yeah. Ole Jase is gonna like this piece.

Oh, this is his spot.

This is his spot.
What do you think?

- Least you peed on his part.
- Come on, Will.

Is that the same hand
you just peed with?

Okay. So Al gets the house
and Jase gets the river.

But I'm sure that my piece will
have the best hunting locations.

I mean, I do run Duck Commander.

Oh, I remember this spot, Phil.

This is where you whacked
your first mallard duck, ain't it?

Yup. Lot of memories right here.

Ole Jep's gonna love this
piece. This goes to him.

He's the baby.

No wonder Phil didn't
want to use a map.

He should get the lake.
He certainly likes fishing.

During work hours.

It would have been too obvious
that I was getting screwed.

You know you can rethink this
thing. You know it's not official yet.

Phil?

Hey. All right. We're leaving.

Yours is coming up.
It'll knock your eyes out.

Mm-hmm.

Godwin, you look like a big
bull riding a skinny cowboy.

♪ Save a motorcycle,
ride a bull ♪♪

- Hey. Give me some gas there.
- All right.

Si, what are you doing?

I'm checking to make sure it's
fresh. This stuff will go bad on you.

- Will it?
- Yeah.

All right, look here.
It's very simple.

Okay? Hey. You've got to
give everything the smell test.

Look. You always
sniff gas. Okay?

No. I don't— I don't sniff gas.

No. Look. You gotta sniff it.

You wouldn't pour yourself a bowl of
cereal without checking the milk first.

No wonder you so crazy.
You been sniffing gas.

Hey. You don't do
that when you fill up?

No.

One time, I smelled gas
so bad, it knocked me out.

You're nuts. Hey. Bad gas. Okay?

Hey. I went down like a
sack of potatoes, boys.

Si, one day, you're gonna
end up in your underwear...

walking around
out in the woods...

trying to figure
out who you are.

Hey. Was you over at
the house yesterday?

No.

Well, hey, I was walking around
in my underwear yesterday...

checking something
out on my land.

We gonna sit around or
we gonna race these things?

- Let's get it on.
- This race is a classic battle.

Man versus beast.

Wait a minute. This is supposed to
be between Jase and big boy here.

I'm in it. I'm in it to win it.

Well, I guess in this case,
it's man versus beast versus...

little girl.

You're always calling me a
girl. I'm out here on a bike.

I'm out here on a bike.

Who's the girl now?

You are.

If you wanna
embarrass yourself...

Jep, there's butterflies
on your helmet.

Whatever. I'm here for funsies.

Knock yourself out.

Here's the rules.
Go around the trees...

around the yard, back
through here three times.

Most important rule: If any of you
knuckleheads knock my tea off...

you get a swift
kick in the butt.

- Let's race.
- All right.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Ready. Go!

Cheater!

You don't have the power.

First lap. All right, look here.

Godwin doesn't look
half as bad as I thought.

Hey, don't hit me.
Watch where you're goin'.

But, Jep, on the other
hand, he looks twice as bad.

Second lap. The walrus has
gained a little ground, boys.

So the math works out.

You can't win, Godwin.

Flying Flea's on your tail!

Whoo-hoo. Dang.

No Flying Flea— I am the walrus.

- Victory!
- Oh, come on.

And the winner!

- Ah. Consider it a lesson.
- I'm impressed.

The Flying Flea
has been swatted.

All right. You win.

Let's go get the dehydrator
and go make some jerky.

Oh, yeah, the dehydrator.

Hey. That's your second lap.
You need to go one more time.

Okay.

Hey. Hey!

You turkey.

This thing's heavy.

All right. Now we're talking.
We got the dehydrator.

- Where in the crap have y'all been?
- We got in a motorcycle race.

I had to give these
boys a geometry lesson.

- It's physics.
- Pick a number.

- Huh?
- Three.

One, two, three.

You're an idiot.

I like your style.

I got bored. Y'all have
been gone for four hours.

Okay. We got a little sidetracked in
the pursuit of Godwin's dehydrator.

- You sure that meat's any good?
- Huh?

But we're one step closer
to delicious deer jerky.

- Hold on.
- Oh, boy.

This meat, on the other hand...

- It's drawing flies.
- Yeah. I mean, a lot of flies.

- Smells a little bit like my underwear.
- Is cause for concern.

- Another fly problem.
- Hey.

Shrapnel. He gone.

I think he got me.

- What'd you do, scare him?
- He didn't even hit anything.

Look. I ain't gonna hit the
table. I'd break the table.

You knucklehead.

Look here. I learned a lot
from Steven Seagal. Okay?

These things are legal weapons.

- Are what?
- Legal weapons.

- Legal weapons?
- You know, they're not illegal.

- Lookit.
- They're legal.

Hey, look here. There's
nothing more American...

than a man with a ponytail...

kicking' butt
with a pool stick...

- Cha!
- And karate. Yah!

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Hey, look. I don't understand why
Steven Seagal doesn't do more movies.

I need a ka-nife.
You got a ka-nife?

- Less talk and more cuttin'. Let's go.
- Watch out. Let me cut some.

We are so close to the
finish line, I can smell it.

Si, you think your underwear
smells bad. Smell this.

- Smell this.
- Get back, boy.

On second thought, maybe
that's not the finish line I'm smelling.

I mean, this just stinks.

Either way, I can't wait to
get my hands on that jerky.

This is gonna be good.

You're doggone right it is.

It's on like biltong.

All right, Will.

- Oh.
- This is yours.

Course this oughta
bring back old memories.

- Look right here.
- Ah, the fence.

- Remember when you marked this?
- Yeah.

Knocked yourself out with
your own posthole diggers.

- I remember.
- Which very few men have accomplished.

I have some fond memories of the events
that took place on this piece of property.

Remember? You got in the truck. We
went up the road to that little ole church.

I pulled over in front of all
them old women and you just...

Right on the road
in front of 'em.

Yeah. Yeah. You were
laughing. I had a concussion.

It's just not the kind of conduct you
would expect out of a future C.E.O.

Yeah. That was a good one.

Yeah.

Yup. The memories live on.

I say that's a good inheritance.

Uh, Patara Oil, we take...

They're gonna put a pipeline
right down through this right of way.

- There's a pipeline coming in?
- Yeah.

I've already worked
out a deal with them.

You can build on top of it?

- No. I wouldn't do that.
- Nice.

Other than that, it's a beautiful piece
of property. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. It's lovely.

You get four sons, you say, "Well,
where should Willie's piece of land be?"

That's why you're the C.E.O.
You're the one can handle that.

Then you get to thinkin',
"Right in the middle."

Lot of fond memories.

Jase gets a river running
through it and I get a pipeline.

Keeping everything
held together here.

Ole Will.

Right in the dead middle.

Fun day, Dad.

Can't wait to see the pipeline.

Whoa. What is that smell?

That's just Si's underwear.

No, it ain't. It's the beef
jerky. And, hey, let's check it.

There's flies everywhere.

- It looks right.
- Mm-mm.

This jerky is going
to be awesome.

- It's kinda musty.
- That's worse than Willie's biltong.

- You talk about tough.
- Let's see right here. Uh-oh.

Okay. Maybe edible.

- There ain't no tearin' it off.
- Nope. That's a dog treat.

It smells like a dog treat.

- That's pretty good.
- You like that?

Pretty good? No.

It's terrible.

This has got a wang to it.

Now, boys, hey. That's gasoline.

I know gas. Okay? And
this is bad gas. Good grief.

- What'd you clean this out with?
- Carburetor cleaner.

Hmm. What?

That's never good.

Well, if it tastes as bad as it smells,
then y'all don't need to be eatin' it.

- You want a bite?
- No.

Look. Y'all just take the company
credit card and go buy some Jack Link's.

- Deal.
- We've struck it rich.

Look. Clean this up.
I'm locking up, guys.

I'm gonna bring it
to my dog, Lizzie.

Hey. Why ain't I
got a company card?

Hey. That's going
in the complaint box.

All right. Y'all bow.

Father, we thank you for
your love, your goodness.

I thank you, Father, for all my
kids that you gave me, my four sons.

Through Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Amen.

On any given day, you expect
life to throw you some curveballs.

Like Phil taking
me out on the land...

so he can tell me how
much I won't be inheriting.

Or when the guys blow off work to
make jerky that smells like Si's underwear.

It just goes to show
you that life isn't

always about living
up to your expectations.

It's the pleasant surprises that
keep us coming back for more.

Jase, the smell of your
jerky's gonna make me vomit.

Kinda like my pair
of posthole diggers.