Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 7 - Scoot Along Si - full transcript

I'm leaving right now.

Well, look. If you call and
say, "Are you ready to go"...

It doesn't mean I'm standing
there with my car keys in my... hand.

Which I don't have in my hand.

Just like most men, I believe...

that phone conversations should
last no longer than 10 seconds.

Yes. Now I have my
keys. All right. Bye.

Yup. But there are some
people who like to drag them out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

No, you're not getting fat.

- No, I love that movie.
- Yes, I like your new shoes.



- No, it's fine.
- Of course I noticed your haircut.

- I just made it up.
- God.

Jep is worse than my wife.

Okay. I'm on my way. All right.

Oh. Sh...

- You idiot.
- Nothing. All right. I'll call you back.

Willie, you gonna kill somebody
talking on that stupid cell phone.

- All right. Bye.
- Hey, you gonna pay for this?

- Pay for what?
- The damage you done to my bumper guard.

Si, there's no damage
on the bumper guard.

Look.

You gonna pay for this.

Hey, what was he
doing is illegal, okay?

It's probably gonna
run you $3,500.



Haven't you ever heard of the
law "you break it, you buy it"?

There's nothing wrong with it.

He's very lucky that I don't
call the cops on him right now.

Let me borrow your phone.
I'm gonna call the police.

Yeah, Officer, he's
male, he's hairy.

Definitely fat. Looks
like a whiskey barrel.

It ain't no telling what
it done to that one.

I don't care about that one.

- That's Jep's truck.
- He's a crazy man.

They ought to put him in a
bumper car. Yeah. I'll hold.

♪♪

Good grief. Come on.

Bottom line, you're
gonna pay for this.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- No.
- Yes, you are.

- No. No.
- You are. No.

- Si, that— - Hey.
Family discount.

All right. Hey, give me
$1,000, we'll call it even.

- What is this, extortion?
- See, you got a bad attitude.

I gotta go. Give me
a bill for a buff job.

Hey. It's gonna cost you.

- I'm trying to be nice.
- Yeah, whatever, Si.

Hey, you'll be hearing from
my lawyer. I got mental anguish.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

This lady is a
professional mermaid.

- What are you looking at?
- I'm looking at a professional mermaid.

How do you get a gig
being a fictional character?

There's a reason I
limit my Internet activity.

- Seriously. Look.
- They look real.

This is not real.

You take a group of perfectly
normal bearded men...

It's a merman.

And put the Internet
at their fingertips...

Well, duh. How do you expect
there to be little mer-children?

- Boom.
- Oh, look. There's a little mer-baby.

- Idiots.
- No, they can't reproduce.

- Well, where'd they come from?
- Why am I even discussing this?

I feel like an idiot
just being around 'em.

- I can be a man-rus.
- A what?

- Let me look that up.
- Is that a cross between a man...

- And a walrus.
- Are these the chairs
from the conference room?

- These are way more comfortable.
- Mine has my name on it.

- Not one chair in the conference room.
- J-A-S-E.

Quit stealing the nice chairs.

Once you take something and
put your brand on it, it's yours.

That— Don't listen to that.
Look, I want all these chairs...

back in the conference
room all right?

- Where's Si?
- He's at the doctor.

For what? He sick?

No. After y'all had your wreck.

Si's ability to exaggerate
the truth is legendary.

- Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me?
- No.

Somehow he's turned our
little accident yesterday into a...

Major collision, Jack.

I don't know what's
worse, Si's exaggerations...

What is his problem?

Or that these morons
actually believe him.

- I mean, did you hit him?
- No. It was like a bumper kiss.

- A what?
- Light bumper kiss.

That was it.

- I never heard of that.
- They just went...

- What?
- Sure it wasn't a French kiss?

What are y'all talking about?

- Kiss.
- Nothing.

Okay. Well, there's a man outside,
and he said he's here to deliver Si.

- What is he, a pizza?
- Hey, I gotta see this.

- Oh, yeah.
- This is gonna be all right here.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey.

I shoulda seen this
one coming a mile away.

- Si, get off that thing.
- I can't. I got back damage.

About once a year, Si comes up
with some stupid excuse to miss work.

Back damage? You got
brain damage, you idiot.

"Now, hey, my athlete's
foot's flaring up. I can't walk."

I've got residual nerve
damage in my back.

"Chicken pox. Can't work."

It compressed two or
three vertebras back there.

- "I got Stockholm syndrome."
- I could have broke my neck.

- Hey. You ain't got no nerve damage, son.
- Hey.

Hey. The doc said I did.

Last year, he was on
crutches two weeks...

before I finally broke down and
made him employee of the month.

- Get up and let me ride.
- What do you not understand...

about hey, I'm damaged?

Si, we could have told you that.

Is this for real?
Is he really hurt?

Can you take that
sucker off-road, or what?

- Let me show you what it'll do.
- Now, now, hey, hey. Easy.

- Watch your feet.
- Pop a wheelie on that thing.

The older you get, the harder it
is to get excited about anything.

Are you seriously telling me he's
hurt? Look at him. He's poppin' wheelies.

Oh, yeah.

- I just do the delivery, sir.
- All right, watch this, boys.

- But this scooter—
- I want one.

- Sir, can I get you to sign this?
- Up, up and away, Trigger!

This thing is off the
hook and the chain.

Can you stop and
sign this for me, please?

Nah.

It'll blow your socks off,
your pants off, cuff links...

Whatever you're
wearing, it's coming off.

All right, let's
roll. Back to work.

- Man, he's gonna need a helmet with that.
- Ah, hi-yo, Silver!

- Oh. Unfortunate.
- And away!

Hey. Watch where you're going!

Thank you.

Mr. T?

Mr. T?

Mr. T?

Mr. T!

What on earth— Phil!

- Whoa.
- Mr. T's missing.

Mr. T?

Where could he have went?

- Only Mr. T I know of is that old burly dude
with the gold chains.
- No.

Yeah, that's the old guy that went around
saying, you know, "I pity that fool."

- No.
- The big burly guy with the chains?

- No, dodo.
- A-Team man. I haven't seen him in years.

Phil. This is serious.

Mr. T— my turtle.

Miss Kay lost her turtle.

- Mr. T.
- So, here we are.

You think he got up here
and got behind these pillows?

Well, it's not that big
a mystery. Let's face it.

Maybe this little boy here
had turtle for breakfast.

Bobo ate Mr. T.

Bobo, did you do it?

Phil, I can't tell. It looks
like he has a poker face.

But one sure way to find out.

See if you got little pieces of
Mr. T in the stool of that dog...

next time he goes
out there in the weeds.

- That's an awful thing to say.
- As Mr. T would say, "I pity the turtle."

You think I should
smell his breath?

Hey. If it's a dead turtle
went in there, you'll find him.

Open your mouth.

Ain't nothing smells
worse than a dead turtle.

- Oh, good night.
- Whoo. Old turtle breath.

Look. We've hurt his feelings.

Bobo, we're sorry. You don't
have to look over there. It's okay.

Looks pretty guilty to me.

Next time I run
the crawfish traps...

I'll see if I can find
you another one.

Well, there's not many things that
could get me up and out of my chair.

I can't move on
without another turtle.

Especially while I'm
sharpening my knife.

What are you doing right now?

I'm sharpening my knife.

And the last thing I ever thought
would get me out of the chair...

would be a turtle hunt.

If you want some lovin'
tonight, today's the day.

However—So, is this one of them no
honey on the biscuits maneuvers here?

- You got it, Jack.
- Miss Kay made me an offer...

that I just couldn't refuse.

Grab you a jar. I'll go
get you another one.

I'm gonna go get my boots on.

I still think you the one
that got that doggone turtle.

You can't fool
me, turtle breath.

Oh, hi-yo, Silver!

- What is that?
- ♪♪ Charge!

- Well, are you gonna pick 'em up?
- No.

- What?
- Yeah, you gonna pick 'em up.

- I'm not pickin' 'em up.
- I can't.

- Si.
- Hey, look. This is confirmed by a doctor.

If you went to any
doctor in the world...

they would deduct that there's
obviously something wrong with you.

Hey. What are you talking about?

Si is impeding our
ability to be productive.

- Look, I'm helping you boys out.
- We're having to work more...

because you're
running over stuff.

The only thing worse
than having to do a job...

- Look, there's some more boxes over there.
- Go here, and then...

- Oh, oh— - Hey. Sorry
about that, Martin.

Is having to do
the same job twice.

Quit doing that, you old fart.

- Si, you're making me nervous.
- No.

We gotta put a stop to
this and get back to work.

- I'll be back in a minute.
- All right. Take your time.

And that just irritates
me to say that.

- Si.
- Guess I'll— All right, boys. Hey.

And then take a left.
Oh, my goodness.

- I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to
work— - Hey. What am I doing again?

You're looking for this box.

Just let me know when you
find them. We'll go from there.

- All right.
- He needs to go home.

Whoop.

All right. I'm gonna go
talk to Willie about this.

Just a lone man
on his scooter...

fightin' the world's injustices.

Are you sure we
find good turtles here?

The best.

You better help me
down that hill too, mister.

- I'll hold onto the back of you.
- Redneck women always walk behind.

That way, I'll get on
the snake first, see.

What?

Ever since we were dating,
Phil's always gave me turtles.

Ah, there may be a few little
ol' copperheads down in here.

Quit talkin' about that. It's just like
his version of bringing me flowers.

There's one right there.

That's how I knew
he was the one.

I'm just kidding. I knew you'd
hug me. That's why I did that.

Well, you don't have to do
that to get me to hug you, buster.

He's just a big old softie
when it comes down to it.

This looks like where
Huckleberry Finn was in that movie.

All right, Miss Kay. Let's
see if we got you a turtle.

- Whoops. There is a turtle.
- Well— -

- Look how cute.
- First trap. One turtle.

Oh, don't throw it in
there. My goodness.

That baby's tough, Miss
Kay. He'll be all right.

Oh, how cute.

Bingo. There's
your turtle. Let's go.

It's a cute turtle, Phil,
but it's just not Mr. T.

Want me to check another trap?

Yes.

Miss Kay is looking
for that perfect turtle.

And be very gentle when
you put him back, okay?

- Phil.
- He's happy.

Be nicer.

My perfect turtle
has gotta be cute.

- So, what about this baby?
- Oh.

He's just got a look about
him that's just not gonna work.

I'll know him when I see him.

- Struck out again.
- Phil.

My perfect turtle
would be one...

that you find in the
next 20 seconds.

- This is a beaut.
- Ooh, that's stinky.

- Stinky Jim.
- Phil.

I just love it when they have
a little design on their shell.

- Too active.
- You could paint a little rock green...

- Oh, he's too shy.
- Presto. There's your turtle.

Hey, mister. No.

Looks fine to me.

- No.
- It's a turtle.

- Nope.
- What more could you want?

- What do you think?
- No, he's too square.

Good night.

The things a man will do for
a little honey on the biscuit.

Phil. Be nicer when
you toss 'em back.

Now this one here
is a little smaller.

Oh. Mouth came open.
Wonder what that means?

Are you a talker? Now that
one's not shy, I'll tell you that.

Oh. Hey, do you want
to go to turtle town?

What'd he say?

He's gettin' scared
'cause you're talkin'.

- Just let him listen to my voice.
- Let me shut up then.

- Turtle town.
- Hmm.

If you're really good,
I'll get you a little slide.

Oh, sounds like you have
finally got the right turtle.

You know what? Nah.

When I mentioned the
slide, there was no perk-up.

Deal breaker.

Why do you have my chair?

- It's not your chair.
- It has my name on it.

- Quit writing your name on stuff.
- Once you put your brand on it...

All right. Good talk.

That's not what I
come in here for.

I came in here to tell you
that we— - Hey. Willie. Jase.

That's Si in the
bathroom. He's stuck.

- I need a little help here.
- Perfect. Leave him in there all day.

Hey. Can somebody
help? This thing's stuck.

- There's nothing wrong with you!
- Are you prejudiced and deaf?

There's nothing wrong with
him. I've already called the doctor.

- You talked to the doc?
- Yeah. He made up the whole thing.

That makes me
even more concerned.

'Cause I can't believe
that he went to a doctor...

and the doctor couldn't
find anything wrong with him.

- Just hemorrhoids.
- Y'all gonna help me? I need to pee.

- Why don't you get out of that chair?
- Why don't you buy me a new bumper?

Y'all have heard the
song "Free Falling"?

- Hey. I'm fixin' to be free flowing.
- All right. I'll get him out of there.

You're coming with
me. Come on, big boy.

I'm gonna tell Miss
Kay on both of y'all.

- What are you doing?
- I'm goin' in.

Well, I can see this little
situation isn't going away quietly.

- You ready to come back?
- I got yup and no. Which one of 'em?

- No.
- Yup.

I can't believe that Si would
actually pee his pants...

Good grief.

Rather than admit that
he's makin' something up.

- This place is a death trap.
- This is over the top, even for Si.

- Si, we all know you're fakin'.
- I'm what?

- You're faking.
- Hey. No.

Look. These guys don't
have respect for their elders.

It's not handy for
handicapped people.

It's like they don't realize that
hey, they're gonna get old one day.

Si, this is my bathroom.

It's not the
handicapped bathroom.

- That one's down the hall.
- Guess what happens then, big boy?

You've got the best toilet paper.
The other stuff is like sandpaper.

- That is true.
- No one's gonna be helping you...

with your scooter in
the commode either.

I gotta clear my head, okay?

- He wants to play hardball?
- Get this piece of junk out...

I'll play hardball with him.
I don't never back down.

It's a piece of junk.

- What's a piece of junk?
- Piece of junk.

Stupid knucklehead Willie.

I'm hungry anyway.

He left on the scooter?

Yeah, he took the scooter.
He said, "I'm outta here."

- He gone.
- He gone.

He still gone?

Yeah. I think he's out
there drivin' the streets.

Well, we tried.

My uncle is 65 years old.

How far you reckon he
could get on that scooter?

He'll be fine. Y'all
need to finish that order.

The man has been
to Nam and back.

- He take the scooter?
- If he's out there on the highway,
can you imagine?

Now everyone's all up in
arms worried about him...

- We better go check on him.
- Which is exactly what he wants.

He's a grown man. He'll be fine.

Think of me as America, Jack.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

- Willie, we're talkin' about Si here.
- Yeah.

He almost died
once by a plastic fan.

- We need to go find him.
- Let's go find him.

- This could be bad.
- Hey, I'm drivin', Willie.

- You ain't drivin' my truck no more.
- Window.

Nope. Willie ain't got
a clue. Knucklehead.

He definitely don't understand
nothin' about bein' old...

and everything you
got is goin' south.

Okay?

Willie hasn't got a clue what an old
man goes through on a day-to-day basis.

He put me in this thing.
It's hot. My ice is melted.

I've got all sort of ailments
he doesn't even consider.

I'm hungry. I'm tired.
My back's killing me.

My hemorrhoids are flaring
up. I'm gettin' old, okay?

I’m fed up with gettin'
no respect from anybody.

The only thing that
would make this worse...

if a rain cloud got right over the
top of me and just poured down rain.

It's like they think I'm
in their way all the time.

Hey. That thing's

got a steering wheel. Go around!

Act like they ain't never seen
a man on a scooter before.

Yeah, go on
around me, you idiot.

Now this is a beaut.

This is one you're gonna love.

Turtle searching
is not that exciting.

Look at his belly.

After a few hours, it's
becoming a little bit boring.

- Look how pretty that is.
- I know.

Now that is a turtle.

That is beautiful.

I'm a patient man.

- Is that a keeper?
- Oh.

But I just don't know how
many more turtles I can stand.

Mmm.

- What about him?
- You know what?

I think that you
hit the jackpot.

What I thought.

Well, a man will go to extraordinary
lengths to please his woman.

Did you see him blink
at me with those eyes?

I missed that. I'm sorry.

Plus, in the grand
scheme of things...

This is gonna be
absolutely perfect.

It's worth it all if Miss
Kay's happy happy.

- Now we got honey on the biscuits.
- Hey. I just thought of something.

You know why Mr. T
might have took off?

I never have thought about it.

He might have been lonely.

I want you to
find another turtle.

Women behave nuts.

Hi-yo, Silver!

Hey, what are you lookin' at?

Oh, my gosh. Lookee here.

- Hey, granny.
- Go around, you idiot.

Get your butt back over to work.

Why?

- I really don't know why,
but— - Si, this is dangerous.

- Hey. Everything's cool.
- Si, is this about your bumper?

About the $600 scratch on it?

No. Why would I be upset
about something like that?

If it's about your bumper,
I'll buy you a new bumper.

- Do what?
- If it's about your bumper...

- I'll buy you a new one.
- I didn't hear that.

- Let's go. This is stupid.
- All right.

Si, stop.

- Where's he going?
- Hey. Negotiations are my thing, man.

Plus two days' rental on this.

- You've only had it a day.
- Two days' rental on my scooter.

- Fine.
- Plus, hey...

- Si!
- I've got Willie right where I want him.

Hey. Plus, I'm starvin'
to death. Lunch.

- No.
- Plus lunch.

- Si, you're pushin' it.
- Did I hear you right? Lunch?

Perseverance gets you
anything you put your mind to.

- If you'll stop right now.
- All right.

Let's see if I can think of
anything else that I can get you for.

If not, hey, I'd have just
took Willie's bumper anyway.

I'll buy the bumper, rent the scooter,
and Godwin will buy you lunch.

Ha-ha! Hey. Success
is sweet, boys.

Hey. You got it.

- Hey, I thought you couldn't walk.
- It's a miracle.

Y'all load the
scooter and I'll get in.

- Get in?
- Hey, we don't have enough room.

What do you mean y'all
don't have enough room?

Well, where do you
expect me to ride?

Hey, drive this thing careful.

Up, up and away, Trigger!

All right, y'all bow.

Father, we thank you for this good
meal that Miss Kay has prepared for us.

I pray that more men
have women like her. Amen.

Amen.

When it comes to family, you have
to learn to read between the lines.

People don't always come right
out and say what they actually want.

Especially Si, who can't
even pronounce what he wants.

But one thing I've learned is it
doesn't matter what they're asking for.

What they really want
is to know that you care.

And whether you spend
your day hunting turtles...

or shelling out a bunch of
money for some stupid bumper...

it's all worth it to show your
family how much you love them.

Has anybody seen Mr. T?

Bobo ate Mr. T.