Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 6 - John Luke After Dentist - full transcript
Si.
What?
- What is that?
- Hey, take you a little nap.
Oh, my— -
Si is going to Virginia for
the birth of his grandson.
It's a survivor's kit.
Then I got the neck pillow.
The blinders. That's for music.
There's hemorrhoid cushion.
But by the look of it, you would think
he was headed to China. For a month.
Hey, I will get hours of
relaxation from this puppy.
I'm pretty sure that
Si is single-handedly...
keeping the traveling
accessory business alive.
So, Si, what's on your playlist?
Whale sounds.
Communicating back
and forth. It's relaxing.
- That sounded like a weed eater.
- Yeah, it did.
- The pod is talking to each other.
- We're whaling.
All right, your
driver's here, sir.
Oh. Well, hey, time to go, boys.
As a C.E.O., if
something will improve...
the quality of your
product, you jump on it.
- Hey, where'd you get them snacks?
- A man never can have too much snacks.
But I don't think any other
C.E.O. can accomplish this...
by sending one of his
employees on vacation.
Hey, give me some
Rolos. I need some.
Hey, Rolos are for the
go lows, not you bozos.
- He must've been talking to you.
- Any idea what a go low is?
- This is something of an opportunity—
- You need some help with that?
Yeah, I need some help.
To see just how
counterproductive Si really is.
- Here, let me help you.
- See you clowns later.
Hello.
Bon voyage, Si. Bon voyage.
Come on.
All right, here you go, walrus.
Come on, man!
- What?
- Keep your mouth open, dude.
- What are you doing in here anyway?
- I'm killing some time.
I gotta take John Luke
and Sadie to the dentist.
- Ooh.
- You know, I never like leaving...
this bunch of slappies
unsupervised during a work day.
Get all doped up
and looped up and...
- Oh, they're going under?
- Oh, yeah.
You go under for
wisdom teeth? Ooh.
But as a parent, the needs of
your children must come first.
That stuff's like a truth serum. I'm
gonna ask 'em a bunch of questions.
- Can't lie on it.
- It's important to be there...
- as a responsible adult.
- What are you doing?
I'm thinking about getting
some grill work myself.
What?
Plus there was no way I was
gonna miss my kids going under.
Lil' Willie. Gotta
have a Lil' Willie.
Yeah!
They're probably
gonna act like total idiots.
If you don't watch out...
- you're gonna be up there at the dentist.
- All right, I'm outta here.
What?
- Get back to work.
- Okay.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Y'all ever seen that strong man stuff
where they take them rocks and pick up...
- put on the shelf?
- Mm-hmm.
I could smoke 'em at that.
- You ain't enough man, son.
- Are you kidding me? Look at this.
What do you got, freckle power?
- We got a problem.
- What happened?
- The freezer out there— - Yeah?
It's not working, and it
hasn't been working in a while.
What?
One of the perks of working at Duck
Commander is we get to have a freezer...
Oh, man, I had a
bunch of meat in there.
Full of the meat that we
shot during hunting season.
It smells ripe.
Ooh.
Right now, that
sucker is chock full...
It's the smell of death.
Of rancid, putrefying meat.
If it's only been a
couple days, I bet it's fine.
Ha!
I don't even have a
definition of what it smells like.
It's nasty.
Based on the smell, it's over.
- We gotta get that outta there.
- Just think what that might've been.
- Oh, it's-it's sad, but I
mean— - Steak and shrimp.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Shrimp and steak po' boys.
- I mean, even if— -
Barbecued shrimp.
- Are you done, Godwin?
- Shrimp and...
There's no salvaging anything. It's
over. I mean, I just cracked it open...
and it was just...
I tell you what— - Close it.
You boys can have that.
What happened to your
freckle power, Martin?
I'm gonna go practice
chunking rocks. Oh!
Bacon shrimp kebabs.
Did I not tell you that that wouldn't
gag a maggot on a gut wagon?
- Whew! That's bad.
- I'm goin' get you a garbage bag.
- You get the stuff out.
- You want me to reach in there?
Look, Jep, I got a
high sense of smell.
Dude, you found it. You
should be the first one in.
My smell is the
greatest sense I have.
All right. We'll take
turns. You go first.
Whatever. Give me
some gloves or something.
Gloves, garbage bag. What
we really need is an incinerator.
I can't wait to see this.
All right, I'll let 'em
know that you're ready.
All right, you're
next, John Luke.
Yep. Don't be nervous.
All right, well, today's
the big day for you.
You're gonna have the
best nap of your life...
and you'll wake up, and everything
will be fixed just perfectly, okay?
Sadie, you know this is also a truth serum,
so I'm gonna be asking you questions.
It's not often...
that you get to give your kids
truth serum and not go to jail.
Sadie, have you ever
kissed a boy in our house?
Dad.
So I plan on taking full
advantage of this opportunity.
Sadie, about kissing
the boy— - Willie...
Is that referring to the kissing
of the boyfriend, or is that...
- Sadie. Sadie.
- She gone.
Maybe I'll check her cell phone
while she's still in la-la land.
♪ She sailed away ♪
♪ On a bright summer day ♪
You all right? You feel okay?
♪♪ Yeah, I'm fine.
There's something about dentists
that's always just creeped me out.
Man, you're really torquing
hard there, ain't you, Doc?
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Ah!
All right.
The whole idea is just barbaric.
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.
Is there supposed to
be that much blood?
- Yeah, that's normal.
- That's not normal.
They put a man on the
moon, for cryin' out loud.
Oh, you don't look good.
Can we not figure out how to extract
teeth without having a bloodbath?
Oh.
- You need to go sit down.
- I'm fine.
- Willie, you okay?
- I'm fine. No, I can handle it.
Willie.
I knew I shouldn't have
eaten that tuna fish.
Oh, God. Oh, that's
so bad. That's so bad.
God.
- I can't do it if you're gagging.
- Find a happy place.
Don't ask me why throwing up
has to be a shared experience.
Fight it, Jep. Fight it.
Of all the things
that should start and
stop with one person,
it should be vomiting.
There's a big pile of shrimp.
I do not wanna get 'em.
It's a terrible system. It
causes chain reactions.
Look at that. You
throw up, I'll throw up.
Oh, it's bad.
All we need is that fat kid from Stand by
Me, and we'll have a regular barf-o-rama.
Close it. Close it.
Men with rubber gloves.
Prostate exam.
- What are you doing up here?
- Whew! Hee-hee!
Something smelling rude up in
here. Whatcha got there, Jepico?
Oh, you don't wanna know, Dad.
Freezer went out.
What are you doing?
I got a cottonmouth that bit Old
Blue, and the sucker's five foot long.
Y'all ready?
When Phil gets fired up, he has a
way of telling half the information.
So if you boys are ready,
let's get down there and...
We gotta get rid of this meat.
It's a great story. Tell
your mama about it.
- I need y'all's help. Come on.
- It would be like Roosevelt saying...
"The only thing to fear is...
- Y'all come on.
- Are y'all with me?"
- Well, we need to get rid of
this— - I'll meet you in the truck.
What is there we have to fear?
- My bag's busted.
- Goll—this stinks.
Hey, why don't you throw
that mess in this Dumpster?
They just picked it up. This
would sit there for a week.
No. Willie'd have a fit.
Well, throw it in the back.
Rancid, rotting meat. I don't like that
kind of stuff in the back of my truck.
Jep's leaking.
Why do you keep gagging?
But I'm thinking get rid
of some rancid meat...
- I'm upwind. It ain't that bad.
- They help me go get the cottonmouths.
Hey, let's take it to
the church building.
Anywhere but here.
Good trade.
They got a Dumpster
right next to the woods.
Whatever we do, let's do it
quick. We got cottonmouths to kill.
Let's get outta here. Cannot
believe I haven't thrown up yet.
Hey, John Luke.
You're all done, man.
- You did fantastic.
- Hey, buddy.
You can wake up now.
How do you feel?
What?
Honestly, I was a little
nervous about our kids...
going under anesthesia
for the dental work.
Feel okay?
But Sadie's surgery went well.
She's feeling great.
What happened to you?
Willie— I'm not really
sure how he's doing.
I like you.
But we paid a lot of money
for this. I'm gonna enjoy it.
You have eagle powers?
This is better than
naked baby photos.
His girlfriends will be
seeing this for years to come.
You're a lot funnier guy than I
thought you were, John Luke.
- In and out quick, boys.
- In and out.
- Let's dump it and hump it.
- Let's go, Jep.
We're carrying a hundred
pounds of meat so rancid...
Whew, God!
It's peeling the paint
off of Phil's truck bed.
Man, that is— That is
getting worse by the second.
- It's getting worse.
- We have to find a Dumpster stat.
- Let's roll.
- God!
Our best option: the church parking
lot. And thank goodness it's not Sunday.
- It says "No dumping."
- Yeah, but "Church only."
We're members of the
church, so it's no problem.
I don't think that's
what it's talking about.
What's the holdup, Jase?
I don't know. I don't
feel too good about this.
Well, 1 Corinthians 10:25:
"Eat anything sold at the meat market
without raising questions of conscience."
Hmm? The Bible has
a lot of dos and don'ts.
- And they're very clear.
- However, it didn't say anything...
about dumping any meat.
- Where it gets murky— -
Is that a camera right there?
Is throwing rancid meat
in the church Dumpster.
Jase, what are you
doing? Get rid of it.
They got it pointing
toward the Dumpster.
I'm not feeling good about this.
There's not a lot of
Bible verses on that.
- Whatever you do, do it quick, Jase.
- I say we come back at night...
roll this up in carpet,
throw it off a bridge.
- What?
- Y'all gonna dump it, or you gonna talk?
- I wonder if that camera's working?
- We could go bury it in the woods.
- Dump it and let's hump it.
- This is bad. This is a bad deal.
- Jase, we've gotta get rid of the bodies.
- Jep...
- What's taking y'all so long, Jase?
- I don't wanna break the law.
Dude, don't be a weenie.
What are y'all trying to do, talk it
outta the back of the truck? Let's go.
Let's get outta here.
Abort the mission.
- Forget that. I can't do it.
- What'd y'all do?
I thought we were
dumping it and humping it.
We so should've
dumped it and humped it.
All right, I got the
car. Are y'all done?
There's a lot of reasons
not to do drugs, kids.
- You about ready to go home?
- But saying things like...
to your own mom...
Has got to be near
the top of the list.
- Don't mess with the equipment there, son.
- I think we'd better put that down.
Don't— Do not squirt the doctor.
Just say no, kids. Just say no.
- Time to go, buddy.
- Bumblebee tuna?
- Swing your legs to the side.
- Bumblebee tuna?
- Bumblebee tuna.
- All right, Bumblebee.
Well, the kids' teeth have been
yanked, drilled and stitched.
Whew!
- I just gotta take
mister— - Bumblebee tuna.
- Home, and then tuck
mister— - Bumblebee tuna.
- Into bed so he can have sweet
dreams of— - Bumblebee tuna.
We'll get some tuna,
Son. We'll get some tuna.
Bumblebee tuna.
So what happened?
Why didn't you dump it?
- I froze.
- You know what I'm beginning to think?
- Y'all love rotten meat.
- No, I don't.
- Well, you can't get rid of it.
- You know what we need to do?
We need to go to a restaurant
because when they have bad food...
they throw it in their Dumpster.
I can't believe we
didn't think of this earlier.
Let's pull in this Mexican
restaurant right off the interstate.
Tacos, enchiladas—
- That might work.
Pull around to the back to
check out the Dumpster situation.
We dumpin' it and we humpin' it.
It's the perfect camouflage.
- Throw it in there, boys.
- There's a lock on it.
- Huh?
- Who locked the garbage.
Let me go in there and talk to 'em and
see. Let me handle this. Nobody panic.
- We'll be right back.
- Hurry it up, Jase. We ain't got all day.
Well, that's the problem with our
society. They're locking up garbage?
What, you scared
somebody's gonna steal it?
Yeah, I'd want 'em
to steal my garbage.
Yeah. How about a sign
that says "Please steal this"?
How did I ever get
myself into this?
I'll get the manager out for—
Y'all can go ahead and take a seat.
- Dude, I'm starving.
- Jep, we're not eating here.
- I'm starving, dude.
- We don't have time.
- That meat is
basting in its own— - Hi.
Oh, no, no. We're-We're not...
No. Sí, sí. Yes.
- Okay.
- Sí, sí. Mucho gracias.
- Jep, we don't have time for this.
- We got time for it.
Whew!
We really just wanted
to talk to the manager.
Okay. Give me
one second, please.
- We're on a mission here.
- We're here.
But one or two
chips while we wait.
- It's not gonna kill anybody.
- I should've washed my hands.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm too hungry.
- We gotta keep focused—
- That's good salsa.
Salsa.
And track down that manager.
What could they
possibly be doing in there?
♪♪
I mean, good night.
Dump it and hump it, dudes.
Sal-sal-sal-sal-salsa.
Hmm.
¡Olé! That was awesome!
Yes. Good job, guys.
- That was awesome.
- Where is the manager?
There are gonna be
buzzards circling the truck.
So, kids, who's
your favorite parent?
I think I need to take...
John Luke to the
dentist more often.
- Y'all hungry?
- Mm-hmm.
I ain't seen him this
talkative since, um...
Well, never.
Kid doesn't talk much.
What?
Oh. Oh, wrong number. I'm sorry.
And to go along with
his new personality, he's
also sporting a pretty
nice pair of crazy eyes.
You'd better call 'em, okay,
and tell her we're on our way.
- We're going to Kay's?
- Yeah. She said she was gonna make...
- a special concoction for the kids.
- Concoction? Sounds delicious.
Look, John Luke's excited.
♪♪
Dude, that dude could
play that trumpet, son.
Well, good night.
What took y'all so long?
- We couldn't find a manager.
- Can we dump it?
- He said he's sending somebody out here.
- Dump it and hump it.
There he is.
- Hola.
- Hola.
Jason, we'll let you get that.
Whoo, yeah, you
don't wanna touch that.
Man, I tell you what, somebody'd
think this smells like a dead body.
Yeah.
- ¿Muerto?
Muy bien.
No, no. No muerto.
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
No muerto.
We're just dumping
it and humping it.
- Muerto, no. No, no, no.
- Food. Bad food.
- Deal breaker.
- No basura.
- He gone.
- Throw it back in the truck, boys.
Well, it's hard to find
good help these days.
And I'm not talking about the
kid that worked at the restaurant.
Let's get out of here. Y'all goin'
get us all in jail before it's over.
I think that kid was smarter
than all of us put together.
Now y'all got me thinking
we're doing something wrong.
I'm not going down for
this, you understand?
All right, I have an idea.
You stay with me on this one.
- Hello.
- Al? Hey, we're in a bad spot here.
We got a bunch of rotting meat,
and we're trying to get rid of it.
I was thinking about your Dumpster
in your neighborhood over there.
It's like a community Dumpster?
That's what I said,
Al. Thank you.
Here we go again,
back to the church.
Hey, there's two places I'm trying
to stay away from—jail and hell.
I think the best thing to do is make
these boys hump on home on foot.
We dumping it and we humping it.
Phil, I'm not sure that
means what you think.
Ma-maw Kay's goin'
come take care of you.
My milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard.
♪♪
Angels. Look at 'em.
They're so precious.
♪♪
I'm so happy my babies decided to come
over to Ma-maw's so I can take care of 'em.
You should've seen it, Kay.
It was disgusting.
Blood flying everywhere.
- And he nearly fainted.
- Shocker.
And I can take care of
John Luke and Sadie too.
- I didn't almost faint.
- Willie...
- Hey, y'all.
- How y'all doing?
- Boy, that looks good.
- What is that smell?
- God, y'all stink.
- Could be me.
- That's something rotten.
- Oh, no, that's rotten meat.
We've had a series
of unfortunate events.
Your life is a series
of unfortunate events.
And now you need a shower.
Boys, wash up.
I'm gonna need
turpentine for this smell.
Look what I got for my babies.
That looks pretty good.
Isn't that sweet? Oh, I
just love 'em so much.
All right, y'all bow. Father, we
thank you for another good day here.
Thank you for loving us, thank you for
saving us. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
Amen.
Every father knows no one
hands you an instruction manual...
when your kids are born.
You learn everything on the job.
Of course, there are days when your
job may make you sick to your stomach.
But whether it's pulling
teeth or taking out trash...
you have to do your best to raise
your kids safe, healthy and happy.
Although sometimes
you'll just settle for alive.
All I wanted was to get a
few cottonmouths killed today.
Well, let's eat and
then go kill 'em.
What?
- What is that?
- Hey, take you a little nap.
Oh, my— -
Si is going to Virginia for
the birth of his grandson.
It's a survivor's kit.
Then I got the neck pillow.
The blinders. That's for music.
There's hemorrhoid cushion.
But by the look of it, you would think
he was headed to China. For a month.
Hey, I will get hours of
relaxation from this puppy.
I'm pretty sure that
Si is single-handedly...
keeping the traveling
accessory business alive.
So, Si, what's on your playlist?
Whale sounds.
Communicating back
and forth. It's relaxing.
- That sounded like a weed eater.
- Yeah, it did.
- The pod is talking to each other.
- We're whaling.
All right, your
driver's here, sir.
Oh. Well, hey, time to go, boys.
As a C.E.O., if
something will improve...
the quality of your
product, you jump on it.
- Hey, where'd you get them snacks?
- A man never can have too much snacks.
But I don't think any other
C.E.O. can accomplish this...
by sending one of his
employees on vacation.
Hey, give me some
Rolos. I need some.
Hey, Rolos are for the
go lows, not you bozos.
- He must've been talking to you.
- Any idea what a go low is?
- This is something of an opportunity—
- You need some help with that?
Yeah, I need some help.
To see just how
counterproductive Si really is.
- Here, let me help you.
- See you clowns later.
Hello.
Bon voyage, Si. Bon voyage.
Come on.
All right, here you go, walrus.
Come on, man!
- What?
- Keep your mouth open, dude.
- What are you doing in here anyway?
- I'm killing some time.
I gotta take John Luke
and Sadie to the dentist.
- Ooh.
- You know, I never like leaving...
this bunch of slappies
unsupervised during a work day.
Get all doped up
and looped up and...
- Oh, they're going under?
- Oh, yeah.
You go under for
wisdom teeth? Ooh.
But as a parent, the needs of
your children must come first.
That stuff's like a truth serum. I'm
gonna ask 'em a bunch of questions.
- Can't lie on it.
- It's important to be there...
- as a responsible adult.
- What are you doing?
I'm thinking about getting
some grill work myself.
What?
Plus there was no way I was
gonna miss my kids going under.
Lil' Willie. Gotta
have a Lil' Willie.
Yeah!
They're probably
gonna act like total idiots.
If you don't watch out...
- you're gonna be up there at the dentist.
- All right, I'm outta here.
What?
- Get back to work.
- Okay.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Y'all ever seen that strong man stuff
where they take them rocks and pick up...
- put on the shelf?
- Mm-hmm.
I could smoke 'em at that.
- You ain't enough man, son.
- Are you kidding me? Look at this.
What do you got, freckle power?
- We got a problem.
- What happened?
- The freezer out there— - Yeah?
It's not working, and it
hasn't been working in a while.
What?
One of the perks of working at Duck
Commander is we get to have a freezer...
Oh, man, I had a
bunch of meat in there.
Full of the meat that we
shot during hunting season.
It smells ripe.
Ooh.
Right now, that
sucker is chock full...
It's the smell of death.
Of rancid, putrefying meat.
If it's only been a
couple days, I bet it's fine.
Ha!
I don't even have a
definition of what it smells like.
It's nasty.
Based on the smell, it's over.
- We gotta get that outta there.
- Just think what that might've been.
- Oh, it's-it's sad, but I
mean— - Steak and shrimp.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Shrimp and steak po' boys.
- I mean, even if— -
Barbecued shrimp.
- Are you done, Godwin?
- Shrimp and...
There's no salvaging anything. It's
over. I mean, I just cracked it open...
and it was just...
I tell you what— - Close it.
You boys can have that.
What happened to your
freckle power, Martin?
I'm gonna go practice
chunking rocks. Oh!
Bacon shrimp kebabs.
Did I not tell you that that wouldn't
gag a maggot on a gut wagon?
- Whew! That's bad.
- I'm goin' get you a garbage bag.
- You get the stuff out.
- You want me to reach in there?
Look, Jep, I got a
high sense of smell.
Dude, you found it. You
should be the first one in.
My smell is the
greatest sense I have.
All right. We'll take
turns. You go first.
Whatever. Give me
some gloves or something.
Gloves, garbage bag. What
we really need is an incinerator.
I can't wait to see this.
All right, I'll let 'em
know that you're ready.
All right, you're
next, John Luke.
Yep. Don't be nervous.
All right, well, today's
the big day for you.
You're gonna have the
best nap of your life...
and you'll wake up, and everything
will be fixed just perfectly, okay?
Sadie, you know this is also a truth serum,
so I'm gonna be asking you questions.
It's not often...
that you get to give your kids
truth serum and not go to jail.
Sadie, have you ever
kissed a boy in our house?
Dad.
So I plan on taking full
advantage of this opportunity.
Sadie, about kissing
the boy— - Willie...
Is that referring to the kissing
of the boyfriend, or is that...
- Sadie. Sadie.
- She gone.
Maybe I'll check her cell phone
while she's still in la-la land.
♪ She sailed away ♪
♪ On a bright summer day ♪
You all right? You feel okay?
♪♪ Yeah, I'm fine.
There's something about dentists
that's always just creeped me out.
Man, you're really torquing
hard there, ain't you, Doc?
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Ah!
All right.
The whole idea is just barbaric.
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.
Is there supposed to
be that much blood?
- Yeah, that's normal.
- That's not normal.
They put a man on the
moon, for cryin' out loud.
Oh, you don't look good.
Can we not figure out how to extract
teeth without having a bloodbath?
Oh.
- You need to go sit down.
- I'm fine.
- Willie, you okay?
- I'm fine. No, I can handle it.
Willie.
I knew I shouldn't have
eaten that tuna fish.
Oh, God. Oh, that's
so bad. That's so bad.
God.
- I can't do it if you're gagging.
- Find a happy place.
Don't ask me why throwing up
has to be a shared experience.
Fight it, Jep. Fight it.
Of all the things
that should start and
stop with one person,
it should be vomiting.
There's a big pile of shrimp.
I do not wanna get 'em.
It's a terrible system. It
causes chain reactions.
Look at that. You
throw up, I'll throw up.
Oh, it's bad.
All we need is that fat kid from Stand by
Me, and we'll have a regular barf-o-rama.
Close it. Close it.
Men with rubber gloves.
Prostate exam.
- What are you doing up here?
- Whew! Hee-hee!
Something smelling rude up in
here. Whatcha got there, Jepico?
Oh, you don't wanna know, Dad.
Freezer went out.
What are you doing?
I got a cottonmouth that bit Old
Blue, and the sucker's five foot long.
Y'all ready?
When Phil gets fired up, he has a
way of telling half the information.
So if you boys are ready,
let's get down there and...
We gotta get rid of this meat.
It's a great story. Tell
your mama about it.
- I need y'all's help. Come on.
- It would be like Roosevelt saying...
"The only thing to fear is...
- Y'all come on.
- Are y'all with me?"
- Well, we need to get rid of
this— - I'll meet you in the truck.
What is there we have to fear?
- My bag's busted.
- Goll—this stinks.
Hey, why don't you throw
that mess in this Dumpster?
They just picked it up. This
would sit there for a week.
No. Willie'd have a fit.
Well, throw it in the back.
Rancid, rotting meat. I don't like that
kind of stuff in the back of my truck.
Jep's leaking.
Why do you keep gagging?
But I'm thinking get rid
of some rancid meat...
- I'm upwind. It ain't that bad.
- They help me go get the cottonmouths.
Hey, let's take it to
the church building.
Anywhere but here.
Good trade.
They got a Dumpster
right next to the woods.
Whatever we do, let's do it
quick. We got cottonmouths to kill.
Let's get outta here. Cannot
believe I haven't thrown up yet.
Hey, John Luke.
You're all done, man.
- You did fantastic.
- Hey, buddy.
You can wake up now.
How do you feel?
What?
Honestly, I was a little
nervous about our kids...
going under anesthesia
for the dental work.
Feel okay?
But Sadie's surgery went well.
She's feeling great.
What happened to you?
Willie— I'm not really
sure how he's doing.
I like you.
But we paid a lot of money
for this. I'm gonna enjoy it.
You have eagle powers?
This is better than
naked baby photos.
His girlfriends will be
seeing this for years to come.
You're a lot funnier guy than I
thought you were, John Luke.
- In and out quick, boys.
- In and out.
- Let's dump it and hump it.
- Let's go, Jep.
We're carrying a hundred
pounds of meat so rancid...
Whew, God!
It's peeling the paint
off of Phil's truck bed.
Man, that is— That is
getting worse by the second.
- It's getting worse.
- We have to find a Dumpster stat.
- Let's roll.
- God!
Our best option: the church parking
lot. And thank goodness it's not Sunday.
- It says "No dumping."
- Yeah, but "Church only."
We're members of the
church, so it's no problem.
I don't think that's
what it's talking about.
What's the holdup, Jase?
I don't know. I don't
feel too good about this.
Well, 1 Corinthians 10:25:
"Eat anything sold at the meat market
without raising questions of conscience."
Hmm? The Bible has
a lot of dos and don'ts.
- And they're very clear.
- However, it didn't say anything...
about dumping any meat.
- Where it gets murky— -
Is that a camera right there?
Is throwing rancid meat
in the church Dumpster.
Jase, what are you
doing? Get rid of it.
They got it pointing
toward the Dumpster.
I'm not feeling good about this.
There's not a lot of
Bible verses on that.
- Whatever you do, do it quick, Jase.
- I say we come back at night...
roll this up in carpet,
throw it off a bridge.
- What?
- Y'all gonna dump it, or you gonna talk?
- I wonder if that camera's working?
- We could go bury it in the woods.
- Dump it and let's hump it.
- This is bad. This is a bad deal.
- Jase, we've gotta get rid of the bodies.
- Jep...
- What's taking y'all so long, Jase?
- I don't wanna break the law.
Dude, don't be a weenie.
What are y'all trying to do, talk it
outta the back of the truck? Let's go.
Let's get outta here.
Abort the mission.
- Forget that. I can't do it.
- What'd y'all do?
I thought we were
dumping it and humping it.
We so should've
dumped it and humped it.
All right, I got the
car. Are y'all done?
There's a lot of reasons
not to do drugs, kids.
- You about ready to go home?
- But saying things like...
to your own mom...
Has got to be near
the top of the list.
- Don't mess with the equipment there, son.
- I think we'd better put that down.
Don't— Do not squirt the doctor.
Just say no, kids. Just say no.
- Time to go, buddy.
- Bumblebee tuna?
- Swing your legs to the side.
- Bumblebee tuna?
- Bumblebee tuna.
- All right, Bumblebee.
Well, the kids' teeth have been
yanked, drilled and stitched.
Whew!
- I just gotta take
mister— - Bumblebee tuna.
- Home, and then tuck
mister— - Bumblebee tuna.
- Into bed so he can have sweet
dreams of— - Bumblebee tuna.
We'll get some tuna,
Son. We'll get some tuna.
Bumblebee tuna.
So what happened?
Why didn't you dump it?
- I froze.
- You know what I'm beginning to think?
- Y'all love rotten meat.
- No, I don't.
- Well, you can't get rid of it.
- You know what we need to do?
We need to go to a restaurant
because when they have bad food...
they throw it in their Dumpster.
I can't believe we
didn't think of this earlier.
Let's pull in this Mexican
restaurant right off the interstate.
Tacos, enchiladas—
- That might work.
Pull around to the back to
check out the Dumpster situation.
We dumpin' it and we humpin' it.
It's the perfect camouflage.
- Throw it in there, boys.
- There's a lock on it.
- Huh?
- Who locked the garbage.
Let me go in there and talk to 'em and
see. Let me handle this. Nobody panic.
- We'll be right back.
- Hurry it up, Jase. We ain't got all day.
Well, that's the problem with our
society. They're locking up garbage?
What, you scared
somebody's gonna steal it?
Yeah, I'd want 'em
to steal my garbage.
Yeah. How about a sign
that says "Please steal this"?
How did I ever get
myself into this?
I'll get the manager out for—
Y'all can go ahead and take a seat.
- Dude, I'm starving.
- Jep, we're not eating here.
- I'm starving, dude.
- We don't have time.
- That meat is
basting in its own— - Hi.
Oh, no, no. We're-We're not...
No. Sí, sí. Yes.
- Okay.
- Sí, sí. Mucho gracias.
- Jep, we don't have time for this.
- We got time for it.
Whew!
We really just wanted
to talk to the manager.
Okay. Give me
one second, please.
- We're on a mission here.
- We're here.
But one or two
chips while we wait.
- It's not gonna kill anybody.
- I should've washed my hands.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm too hungry.
- We gotta keep focused—
- That's good salsa.
Salsa.
And track down that manager.
What could they
possibly be doing in there?
♪♪
I mean, good night.
Dump it and hump it, dudes.
Sal-sal-sal-sal-salsa.
Hmm.
¡Olé! That was awesome!
Yes. Good job, guys.
- That was awesome.
- Where is the manager?
There are gonna be
buzzards circling the truck.
So, kids, who's
your favorite parent?
I think I need to take...
John Luke to the
dentist more often.
- Y'all hungry?
- Mm-hmm.
I ain't seen him this
talkative since, um...
Well, never.
Kid doesn't talk much.
What?
Oh. Oh, wrong number. I'm sorry.
And to go along with
his new personality, he's
also sporting a pretty
nice pair of crazy eyes.
You'd better call 'em, okay,
and tell her we're on our way.
- We're going to Kay's?
- Yeah. She said she was gonna make...
- a special concoction for the kids.
- Concoction? Sounds delicious.
Look, John Luke's excited.
♪♪
Dude, that dude could
play that trumpet, son.
Well, good night.
What took y'all so long?
- We couldn't find a manager.
- Can we dump it?
- He said he's sending somebody out here.
- Dump it and hump it.
There he is.
- Hola.
- Hola.
Jason, we'll let you get that.
Whoo, yeah, you
don't wanna touch that.
Man, I tell you what, somebody'd
think this smells like a dead body.
Yeah.
- ¿Muerto?
Muy bien.
No, no. No muerto.
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
No muerto.
We're just dumping
it and humping it.
- Muerto, no. No, no, no.
- Food. Bad food.
- Deal breaker.
- No basura.
- He gone.
- Throw it back in the truck, boys.
Well, it's hard to find
good help these days.
And I'm not talking about the
kid that worked at the restaurant.
Let's get out of here. Y'all goin'
get us all in jail before it's over.
I think that kid was smarter
than all of us put together.
Now y'all got me thinking
we're doing something wrong.
I'm not going down for
this, you understand?
All right, I have an idea.
You stay with me on this one.
- Hello.
- Al? Hey, we're in a bad spot here.
We got a bunch of rotting meat,
and we're trying to get rid of it.
I was thinking about your Dumpster
in your neighborhood over there.
It's like a community Dumpster?
That's what I said,
Al. Thank you.
Here we go again,
back to the church.
Hey, there's two places I'm trying
to stay away from—jail and hell.
I think the best thing to do is make
these boys hump on home on foot.
We dumping it and we humping it.
Phil, I'm not sure that
means what you think.
Ma-maw Kay's goin'
come take care of you.
My milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard.
♪♪
Angels. Look at 'em.
They're so precious.
♪♪
I'm so happy my babies decided to come
over to Ma-maw's so I can take care of 'em.
You should've seen it, Kay.
It was disgusting.
Blood flying everywhere.
- And he nearly fainted.
- Shocker.
And I can take care of
John Luke and Sadie too.
- I didn't almost faint.
- Willie...
- Hey, y'all.
- How y'all doing?
- Boy, that looks good.
- What is that smell?
- God, y'all stink.
- Could be me.
- That's something rotten.
- Oh, no, that's rotten meat.
We've had a series
of unfortunate events.
Your life is a series
of unfortunate events.
And now you need a shower.
Boys, wash up.
I'm gonna need
turpentine for this smell.
Look what I got for my babies.
That looks pretty good.
Isn't that sweet? Oh, I
just love 'em so much.
All right, y'all bow. Father, we
thank you for another good day here.
Thank you for loving us, thank you for
saving us. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
Amen.
Every father knows no one
hands you an instruction manual...
when your kids are born.
You learn everything on the job.
Of course, there are days when your
job may make you sick to your stomach.
But whether it's pulling
teeth or taking out trash...
you have to do your best to raise
your kids safe, healthy and happy.
Although sometimes
you'll just settle for alive.
All I wanted was to get a
few cottonmouths killed today.
Well, let's eat and
then go kill 'em.