Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 5 - Termite Be a Problem - full transcript
One, two, three.
Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11...
- 12, 13, 14, 15.
- Stop.
- Come on, man.
- This shot is called "the crane."
Oh, good Lord.
- Oh.
- There's the tenner.
Man down.
Party foul.
- Scrambled eggs.
- South of the border.
- Below the belt.
- Yeah. Below the belt.
I feel like I wanna throw up.
- Playing a little basketball?
- Oh, wow.
Yeah. That's what he's doing.
Look who's here, boys.
Mr. Fancy Shoes himself.
- Are these things awesome or what?
- Still wearing 'em, huh?
Three and a half days.
I'm goin' strong, Jack.
Every once in a while,
Jep gets all fired up...
about some weird product
that he's bought off the Internet.
I'm fixin' to jump out this
building— Windmill and dunk it.
- Slammin' jammin' on that son of a gun.
- But here's the thing about that.
- You're short.
- I'm five nine and a half.
And you can't jump.
- I'm five nine and a quarter.
- Deal with it.
If you can dunk with them
shoes, I'm gonna go buy me a pair.
Hey, if he can dunk
it, I'll buy me a pair.
Put it above the
rim, and I'll snatch it.
- Three, two, one.
- You ready?
- I wasn't ready.
- He wasn't ready.
- You ready?
- Here we go. Three, two, one.
Go for it.
In you go.
Rejected!
Don't quit your
day job, short stuff.
Okay, these shoes
are for training...
not for actual dunking in.
Go get the ball.
- I'll get that sorry excuse for a lob.
- It's pitiful.
You want me to tell you what
the key to dunkin' is, boys?
- What, did you learn that in Nam?
- Well, among other things, yeah.
Wait a second. We got a
problem over here. Jase?
See all that?
- Termites.
- Termites?
- Dude, look at this. And a arm.
- Termites. You better tell Willie.
- Jase.
- If you touch me with that again...
- I'm gonna take your little shoes—
- Don't be scarin' my baby arm.
Gimme that ball!
- I'll tell Willie right after this game.
- Don't tell Willie.
Jep, I'm gonna slap
you with that baby arm.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Hey, I don't think
they're gonna be able...
to get the elephants in there
without the poles holding it up higher.
Si, this isn't a circus.
♪♪
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You're funny.
- Look here.
The circus is coming to town.
They bring the lions and tigers?
Where are the 14
clowns that pile in the car?
- Si.
- What?
For the 50th
time, it's not funny.
Uh, all right. Look.
All this for some
little termites.
- I ain't taking no chances.
- Here's the thing about termites.
- They don't turn nothing down.
- No joke.
Two-by-fours, two-by-sixes...
trash cans, poop, humans.
Nothin' slows 'em down.
Anything living or crawling in
there I want killed. Kill 'em all.
- Kill 'em all.
- If he don't nip this in the bud...
the only thing that's gonna be left is
a bunch of fat, overweight termites.
- Fog the whole mess.
- You hear 'em burping...
and all that comes
out is sawdust.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help it. That was
good spaghetti I had for dinner.
Hey, Si...
why don't you just
work inside today?
- Hey, ain't nobody got no time for that.
- All right, are y'all packed up?
- Willie, we ain't got nowhere to work.
- I've got it all worked out.
- You're going to Phil's.
- We can go to my house.
Phil's is your best
option. It is a place that...
I got snacks. I love snacks.
All right, look. I don't care where
you go. I'm in a dealing mood.
Y'all get this knocked out, you
can take the rest of the day off.
Did you hear that?
You got to get to the
Golden 60's meeting.
Golden 60's?
Ah, you know. Got
a little gig today.
When you're the C.E.O.,
people look up to you...
and they want to know
your secrets to success.
We're gonna talk about goals
and life and making money.
So naturally, my mom
wants to show off...
her successful, good-looking,
charming son to all her friends.
I spoke there a
couple months ago.
- I wasn't aware they had amateur hour.
- Hey, I've done that.
- You both spoke there?
- Yeah.
- I'll play dominoes a little.
- I did too.
Hey, all that matters
is it's my turn now.
- All right, I'm gonna give 'em
a little bit more— - I spoke there.
- Really?
- I got a casserole.
Come on, man.
I'm working from home
so I don't die in there.
All right. Get 'er done.
♪♪ Bring on the clowns.
- Si!
- Step right up. See the elephants!
See the tigers! See the lions!
See the bearded fat man!
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
A little sparse crowd here, huh?
- Am I early?
- Hey, y'all, this is Willie.
You know, he has
dimples under that beard.
- He shouldn't hide 'em.
- Are you doing the introduction here?
- Am I— Am I speaking right now?
- No. We've gotta go get the lunch and...
Go get the what?
When Miss Kay asks
you to do a favor...
you always got to
read the fine print.
I'm not going to get
the lunch. I'm speaking.
- When you have a luncheon speaker,
you go get the lunch.
- Mom.
Because she always throws a
couple of surprise clauses in there.
Now I told Carla that you
and her could go get the lunch.
And although none of her
reasons make any sense, here I am.
Mom, I can't go pick up food.
I just want to yank your
hair when you act like that.
- Hello, Willie.
- Hey. How are you?
- Fine. I'm glad to meet you.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- You're gonna help me?
- Yeah. Of course.
- I am. I'm gonna help you.
- That's so nice.
- Oh, hey, that's me.
- You know, Willie has a tough time...
making friends at work.
I'll drive.
I'll need room in the
truck for all the food.
- No. She can't get in that truck.
- No. No.
Lucky for Willie, I'm a
really good matchmaker.
I will pick her up and
put her in the truck.
Getting picked up by a handsome
man as he is, that sounds good.
Great.
Willie and Carla are
gonna be best buddies.
- But I still want to drive.
- Just like Simon and Garfunkel.
- I have some candy I want to give you.
- No. No, that's good.
- I don't need candy.
- He loves candy.
Aw. Out of the package even.
That's awesome. Thank you.
Mom's always been pretty bad
at setting me up with buddies.
- I'm gonna save this for later. Yeah.
- Oh, after lunch.
In grade school one time, she set
me up with a kid that ate his boogers.
- Are we ready to go?
- Just about.
All I have to do is go get
my keys out of my handbag.
I'll be right back.
Mom, she's got her
handbag in her hand.
Shh. Be nice.
Right now, I'm wondering
what old Billy Boogers is up to.
Why didn't you eat that candy?
- What?
- That was rude.
Maybe he could drive Carla
to get the food for the luncheon.
- I'm not puttin' it in my mouth.
- You've put worse things in your mouth.
- It was in the bottom of her purse.
- Shh. She's gonna hear you.
I'm confident she's
not hearing me.
- What?
- Are we ready?
Well, I don't know. I
can't find my handbag.
Maybe you can just use that one.
Oh.
- That's it.
- All right. We found it. Good deal.
Do you remember
where your car is?
I hope so.
Are you sure you don't
want me to drive us?
Oh, no, no. I want
to do the driving.
When I'm in my car, I
like to do the driving.
Watch the curb here.
- Dang.
- Uh, Carla?
I want to tell you
about my cats.
The only thing I can think of
that's worse than taking a trip...
through West
Monroe with Carla...
I had polio as a child. I
have post-polio syndrome.
- I had pneumonia 11 times.
- Wow.
Is taking a trip down
memory lane with Carla.
- You probably shouldn't be driving.
- No.
And, uh— Oh, Willie, did
I tell you I have two cats?
Carla's memory lane is
more like a memory circle.
Yeah. You actually already
told me about the cats, Carla.
It just keeps going
around and around.
I did? I told you
about both of them?
I told you about both my cats?
And around and around.
- I'm such a cat lover.
- And around.
- And my other cat— - Oh, boy.
Now this is duck
call building here.
And I ain't even gotta go
home when I get through.
I think we oughta move the shop.
Let me tell you about my crew.
We will work anywhere, anytime.
Productivity has gone up here...
- Mm-hmm.
- At Godwin's lair.
But we're at our best when we
have snacks and air conditioning.
You know the best part?
Willie ain't runnin' in here...
talkin' about, "Y'all got
that order done yet?"
- And no Willie.
- "You're gettin' the duck call sticky."
"Get rid of the Popsicles."
- These things are like crack.
- Godwin's house? Perfect.
- Now we're selling flavored duck calls.
- Yeah. They'll probably like it.
- This one's gonna be strawberry here.
- It goes...
Oh. That was "purnurple" flavor.
- What flavor?
- "Purnurple."
- "Purnurple?"
- Hey. It's "purnurple."
Hey, look. Once,
when I was a kid...
I bought myself 100
double-stick Popsicles.
- Can you spell that?
- Yeah. It's P-U-R-P-N-L-E.
That's when I
learned the hard way...
You do not want to eat 100...
Double-stick Popsicles.
- Are there any alternate pronunciations?
- No.
The colors were
beautiful on the box.
Red, green, blue,
and hey, of course...
But trust me.
After you eat 'em...
You're fixin' to upchuck.
Purnurple-flavored duck call.
And the rainbow don't taste as good
coming up as it did when it went down.
I think I'm gonna
get me another one.
Hey, I want grape. Get
me one of them grape ones.
- No, you don't get the
grape— - Popsicle gravy.
- What's in this box here, Godwin?
- That come in last week.
- You ain't gonna open it?
- No.
- Read it and you'll see why.
- "The law office of Van Beet."
- Lawyers are after him.
- Uh-oh. Yeah.
- I'm fixin' to open this puppy up.
- Hey, crack that sucker open.
- No! What are you doing?
- Hey, look here.
Christmastime. There may
be a treasure in here, boy.
May be some thongs in there.
- Here's a letter addressed to John Godwin.
- Well, give it to me then.
Well, hold it. Godwin, you got a
great-uncle named Reuben Godwin?
- Yeah.
- Not anymore you don't.
He's died.
Hmm. Ol' Si's got a way
of breakin' it easy, don't he?
- I'm sorry, Godwin.
- Was he close to you?
I only met him one time.
Talkin' about, "Enclosed in
this box is your inheritance."
- At least you get a present.
- What's in there?
Hey. It's a jackalope, boys.
- Part rabbit, part deer.
- Now that's a present.
I shot at one of these one
time and missed the son...
- No, you didn't either, Si.
- Yeah, I did too.
When Si gets on a
roll, he's unstoppable.
Rabbits don't have horns, Si.
What do you mean?
I'm holding one right here.
It really makes no
difference what you say.
- That's a swamp rabbit,
and they put some deer horns on it.
- No.
He's like a runaway freight
train of misinformation.
He's got thick fur, and when it's
wet, he is might near bulletproof.
- You can't kill him.
- Toot-toot.
Boom-boom-boom-boom!
- Next stop, Fantasyland.
- Y'all got me excited now.
Godwin, I'm telling you,
that's worth some money.
- Si, it's not worth anything.
- What?
- It's gotta be worth something.
- Well, at least five bucks.
- We can get some more Popsicles.
- Yeah.
- Where would you even get it appraised at?
- Taxidermist?
Oh, yeah. We got a
bunch of them around here.
Hey.
All right, let's go
find us a taxidermist.
Yeah. I wonder how
much that thing's worth.
Me too.
- Jep, are you still wearing those shoes?
- Yeah.
That's just embarrassing
to be traveling with you.
- We finally made it.
- Here we are.
- Hello. I'm here to pick up an order.
- How are you doing?
- Okay. What's the name?
- The Golden 60's club.
Okay. We've got
it right here for you.
- How much is it?
- It's 77.54.
I'll pay for it.
No. It's my club and
I'm gonna pay for it.
- How much was that again?
- 77.54.
Good grief. If Carla
starts moving any slower...
she's gonna move
backwards in time.
77.54.
- Fifty-four?
- Fifty-four.
Oh, that's the year
I finished college.
- Oh, really? Good.
- Carla, I don't mind paying.
Which would actually
be beneficial to her.
- There's 20.
- Okay.
Three, four, five.
- How much is that?
- Oh, boy.
- She'd be like Benjamin Button.
- I got some ones.
Benjamin Carla. Carla Button?
- I have four pennies, I think.
- You don't have to do it exact.
- Is that a nickel or a quarter?
- Oh, for the love of humanity.
Benji-arla.
Whatever. She is old.
- Okay. Is that it?
- I think that's it today.
All right. Thank
you. Appreciate it.
- Have a good day.
- Okay. But let me tell her about this.
- Why we're getting this food.
- Okay.
The ladies are meeting.
- Carla, we're good. You ready to roll?
- Okay. Y'all have a good day.
- Did I tell you I have two cats?
- Oh, good grief.
Man, this place is awesome.
- Smells like roses.
- This place smells like something died.
Who gets excited about a
building full of stuffed animals?
- I certainly don't.
- Awesome.
Wow.
- Animals should be eaten.
- Oh, my goodness.
- That's cool.
- What a waste of a good frog.
That's sacrilegious.
Not stuffed.
- I stuff frogs in my body.
- Oh, heavens.
The only animal I stuff is
a turkey on Thanksgiving.
Sometimes Christmas.
Look at the size of that
nut in that squirrel's mouth.
Phew. You think that's
impressive? Look at that.
- Whoa.
- Good grief.
I don't know that
much about taxidermy.
That is one proud
sheep right there.
But I know good
work when I see it.
Goodness.
And that set right there
is pretty darn lifelike.
I wanna look away, but I can't.
I can't either.
And it's healthy too.
- That's impressive.
- Hey.
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Are you the man in charge?
- I am. What can I help y'all with?
- You know, I got a buddy of mine...
Hey, knock it off in there.
We got the guy who's
gonna help us right here.
What's wrong with
y'all? Come on.
Y'all bring that creepy
speci-mine in here.
- Don't mess up my hair.
- That is a jackalope.
- I haven't seen too many of these.
- Godwin?
- Hey. Money.
- What is it worth?
Gonna get paid.
I'm gonna make a few calls
and find out. I'll be right back.
- Rare means money.
- Cha-ching!
It's a jackalope. Hey, I've
learned one thing from this.
- What?
- I ain't gonna be buried.
I want a taxidermist
to stuff me.
No, look. Hey.
You can keep me a week.
I ain't keeping you a minute.
Hey, and the whole
family can share in it.
They'll keep me for a month.
What better way to
honor a man, okay...
than to immortalize
him as a redneck statue?
Just thinkin'. Jase has
got a fireplace. Look.
And I'll be like this.
Where you're
grabbing your rear end?
Hey. From the heat
from the fireplace.
That's what you want
to be immortalized by?
Wake up every morning to this.
You know? Hey.
Look, I'll be around forever.
- Hey, kind of sweet. Sentimental.
- All right, I got some news for y'all.
- All right, what's he worth?
- Let's hear it.
- He's worth about $50.
- What?
I haven't seen another
one like this anywhere.
- The thing's rare.
- If he had testicles, I can give you...
another $100 for
him, but he doesn't.
Hey, look here. $500, and I'll
bring you a pair of testicles for it.
Hey, look, if it's testes you
want, hey, why didn't you say so?
I'll give you some
of those, lickety-split.
Pow. Snip. Oh, nice fit.
Make it $1,000, and I'll bring you
a pair of testicles to put on there.
Look. Hey. If them
things are worth so much...
I'm thinkin' about
startin' my own business.
I can see it now. "Si's
Gonad Emporium."
Now what kind of testes
will you be needing today, sir?
Oh, I think I have a
couple of those in the back.
Let me get you a sack to put
those in, and I'll ring you up.
Pow. Snip. Cha-ching!
I'm talking about a gonad
monopoly here, boys.
I mean, that's all I can do.
I'll just keep him. It's
sentimental anyway.
Y'all take care.
Y'all know we still gotta
finish up that duck call order.
No.
Uh, I enjoyed it.
That was fun today.
Look who's here.
Come put this down with the
rest of the casseroles right here.
Good gr— How much
food do you have?
Well, you can't have
too many casseroles.
- This'll feed a hundred— - Son.
That was the most miserable
thing I've ever done in my life.
- Shh!
- Have you ever driven with her?
- She might hear you.
- She can't hear me, believe me.
- What?
- All right. Whatever, Mom.
Let me just do my
speech and get out of here.
I'm always proud to
show off my children.
And Willie, he is
a great speaker.
- Grace, do you want to come up
and introduce him?
- I'd love to.
He's been making wonderful
speeches all his life...
except for one time
in the fourth grade.
Hopefully, he won't
pee in his pants this time.
Good luck to you, son.
We have a very special
guest today, Kay's C.E.O. son.
The brother of Jason and Jep.
Let's give him a big
round of applause.
Hey. I'm Willie.
I'm a Duck Commander.
Nice to see you.
Most people are afraid of public speaking,
but most people aren't Willie Robertson.
The key in any
business is to have vision.
The trick is is to imagine
the audience naked.
Um...
Um— -
All right. Everybody's
got on clothes.
Everybody's got on clothes.
Okay, I think it's important
to have a five-year goal...
a 10-year goal and a...
We'll just stick with
short-term goals. You know...
Do you make and
sell crochet stuff?
Or, uh, maybe there's a business
in there. I'm not sure, but...
We can just eat the
casserole, and... move on.
That's it.
Thank you. Thanks.
I thought Jep was gonna be here.
I'm sorry. Just me.
Okay.
You sure it's safe to be
in here? It still stinks, man.
- I ate my sandwich and I'm all right.
- That's your opinion.
He's sittin' there talking to a
animal that doesn't exist. He's fine.
- That's Benjamin to you.
- Benjamin?
- Yeah. Benjamin Bunny.
- Hey, I don't care what his name is.
That's Benjamin.
- Here we go.
- Benjamin Bunny.
Give me that. Huh?
I'm fixin' to show y'all
something right here.
- All right.
- I been wearing these shoes a few days...
and I can feel a deep
burn in my calves.
Y'all ready?
The guys are laughing
now, but they won't be
laughing when I
tomahawk dunk in their face.
This is what happens when
you use the duck shoes right here.
- Goosh!
- What do you got?
A man called Michael Jordan.
- Whoa.
- Tongue out. And I just sprained my ankle.
He just sprained his ankle.
Ballin', y'all. Ballin'.
You think we wouldn't notice
that you lowered the rim...
about, what, two feet?
- Two foot.
- Y'all saw that, huh?
- How can you not see it? I mean, yeah.
- You're only five foot tall.
- Si, I'm five nine and a quarter!
- Heck, no.
If you want to dunk,
hey, do what the pros do.
- I don't have time to practice like that.
- No, no.
Get on steroids.
Hey, 'cause look— Come
into the real world, okay?
You're five foot tall
and you'll never dunk it
unless you get the
old shot in the buttocks.
Si, I say no to drugs.
Well, I'd say no to
dunkin' then, buddy.
All right. Lasagna from
the Golden 60's. Miss Carla.
Please bow. Father, bless
my friends, my family...
my country for His sake,
Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.
Amen.
It's easy to get caught
up in the fast-paced
lifestyle of a C. E. O.
The problem is, you can't
always live on the go...
especially when Carla's driving.
Whether it's an obnoxious amount of
casseroles or an unusual inheritance...
it's better to appreciate what you
have than worry about what you don't.
Hey, Willie, I'm thinkin' about
gettin' in the gonad business.
- Any advice you can give me?
- Did you just say gonad?
Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11...
- 12, 13, 14, 15.
- Stop.
- Come on, man.
- This shot is called "the crane."
Oh, good Lord.
- Oh.
- There's the tenner.
Man down.
Party foul.
- Scrambled eggs.
- South of the border.
- Below the belt.
- Yeah. Below the belt.
I feel like I wanna throw up.
- Playing a little basketball?
- Oh, wow.
Yeah. That's what he's doing.
Look who's here, boys.
Mr. Fancy Shoes himself.
- Are these things awesome or what?
- Still wearing 'em, huh?
Three and a half days.
I'm goin' strong, Jack.
Every once in a while,
Jep gets all fired up...
about some weird product
that he's bought off the Internet.
I'm fixin' to jump out this
building— Windmill and dunk it.
- Slammin' jammin' on that son of a gun.
- But here's the thing about that.
- You're short.
- I'm five nine and a half.
And you can't jump.
- I'm five nine and a quarter.
- Deal with it.
If you can dunk with them
shoes, I'm gonna go buy me a pair.
Hey, if he can dunk
it, I'll buy me a pair.
Put it above the
rim, and I'll snatch it.
- Three, two, one.
- You ready?
- I wasn't ready.
- He wasn't ready.
- You ready?
- Here we go. Three, two, one.
Go for it.
In you go.
Rejected!
Don't quit your
day job, short stuff.
Okay, these shoes
are for training...
not for actual dunking in.
Go get the ball.
- I'll get that sorry excuse for a lob.
- It's pitiful.
You want me to tell you what
the key to dunkin' is, boys?
- What, did you learn that in Nam?
- Well, among other things, yeah.
Wait a second. We got a
problem over here. Jase?
See all that?
- Termites.
- Termites?
- Dude, look at this. And a arm.
- Termites. You better tell Willie.
- Jase.
- If you touch me with that again...
- I'm gonna take your little shoes—
- Don't be scarin' my baby arm.
Gimme that ball!
- I'll tell Willie right after this game.
- Don't tell Willie.
Jep, I'm gonna slap
you with that baby arm.
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪
Hey, I don't think
they're gonna be able...
to get the elephants in there
without the poles holding it up higher.
Si, this isn't a circus.
♪♪
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You're funny.
- Look here.
The circus is coming to town.
They bring the lions and tigers?
Where are the 14
clowns that pile in the car?
- Si.
- What?
For the 50th
time, it's not funny.
Uh, all right. Look.
All this for some
little termites.
- I ain't taking no chances.
- Here's the thing about termites.
- They don't turn nothing down.
- No joke.
Two-by-fours, two-by-sixes...
trash cans, poop, humans.
Nothin' slows 'em down.
Anything living or crawling in
there I want killed. Kill 'em all.
- Kill 'em all.
- If he don't nip this in the bud...
the only thing that's gonna be left is
a bunch of fat, overweight termites.
- Fog the whole mess.
- You hear 'em burping...
and all that comes
out is sawdust.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help it. That was
good spaghetti I had for dinner.
Hey, Si...
why don't you just
work inside today?
- Hey, ain't nobody got no time for that.
- All right, are y'all packed up?
- Willie, we ain't got nowhere to work.
- I've got it all worked out.
- You're going to Phil's.
- We can go to my house.
Phil's is your best
option. It is a place that...
I got snacks. I love snacks.
All right, look. I don't care where
you go. I'm in a dealing mood.
Y'all get this knocked out, you
can take the rest of the day off.
Did you hear that?
You got to get to the
Golden 60's meeting.
Golden 60's?
Ah, you know. Got
a little gig today.
When you're the C.E.O.,
people look up to you...
and they want to know
your secrets to success.
We're gonna talk about goals
and life and making money.
So naturally, my mom
wants to show off...
her successful, good-looking,
charming son to all her friends.
I spoke there a
couple months ago.
- I wasn't aware they had amateur hour.
- Hey, I've done that.
- You both spoke there?
- Yeah.
- I'll play dominoes a little.
- I did too.
Hey, all that matters
is it's my turn now.
- All right, I'm gonna give 'em
a little bit more— - I spoke there.
- Really?
- I got a casserole.
Come on, man.
I'm working from home
so I don't die in there.
All right. Get 'er done.
♪♪ Bring on the clowns.
- Si!
- Step right up. See the elephants!
See the tigers! See the lions!
See the bearded fat man!
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
A little sparse crowd here, huh?
- Am I early?
- Hey, y'all, this is Willie.
You know, he has
dimples under that beard.
- He shouldn't hide 'em.
- Are you doing the introduction here?
- Am I— Am I speaking right now?
- No. We've gotta go get the lunch and...
Go get the what?
When Miss Kay asks
you to do a favor...
you always got to
read the fine print.
I'm not going to get
the lunch. I'm speaking.
- When you have a luncheon speaker,
you go get the lunch.
- Mom.
Because she always throws a
couple of surprise clauses in there.
Now I told Carla that you
and her could go get the lunch.
And although none of her
reasons make any sense, here I am.
Mom, I can't go pick up food.
I just want to yank your
hair when you act like that.
- Hello, Willie.
- Hey. How are you?
- Fine. I'm glad to meet you.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- You're gonna help me?
- Yeah. Of course.
- I am. I'm gonna help you.
- That's so nice.
- Oh, hey, that's me.
- You know, Willie has a tough time...
making friends at work.
I'll drive.
I'll need room in the
truck for all the food.
- No. She can't get in that truck.
- No. No.
Lucky for Willie, I'm a
really good matchmaker.
I will pick her up and
put her in the truck.
Getting picked up by a handsome
man as he is, that sounds good.
Great.
Willie and Carla are
gonna be best buddies.
- But I still want to drive.
- Just like Simon and Garfunkel.
- I have some candy I want to give you.
- No. No, that's good.
- I don't need candy.
- He loves candy.
Aw. Out of the package even.
That's awesome. Thank you.
Mom's always been pretty bad
at setting me up with buddies.
- I'm gonna save this for later. Yeah.
- Oh, after lunch.
In grade school one time, she set
me up with a kid that ate his boogers.
- Are we ready to go?
- Just about.
All I have to do is go get
my keys out of my handbag.
I'll be right back.
Mom, she's got her
handbag in her hand.
Shh. Be nice.
Right now, I'm wondering
what old Billy Boogers is up to.
Why didn't you eat that candy?
- What?
- That was rude.
Maybe he could drive Carla
to get the food for the luncheon.
- I'm not puttin' it in my mouth.
- You've put worse things in your mouth.
- It was in the bottom of her purse.
- Shh. She's gonna hear you.
I'm confident she's
not hearing me.
- What?
- Are we ready?
Well, I don't know. I
can't find my handbag.
Maybe you can just use that one.
Oh.
- That's it.
- All right. We found it. Good deal.
Do you remember
where your car is?
I hope so.
Are you sure you don't
want me to drive us?
Oh, no, no. I want
to do the driving.
When I'm in my car, I
like to do the driving.
Watch the curb here.
- Dang.
- Uh, Carla?
I want to tell you
about my cats.
The only thing I can think of
that's worse than taking a trip...
through West
Monroe with Carla...
I had polio as a child. I
have post-polio syndrome.
- I had pneumonia 11 times.
- Wow.
Is taking a trip down
memory lane with Carla.
- You probably shouldn't be driving.
- No.
And, uh— Oh, Willie, did
I tell you I have two cats?
Carla's memory lane is
more like a memory circle.
Yeah. You actually already
told me about the cats, Carla.
It just keeps going
around and around.
I did? I told you
about both of them?
I told you about both my cats?
And around and around.
- I'm such a cat lover.
- And around.
- And my other cat— - Oh, boy.
Now this is duck
call building here.
And I ain't even gotta go
home when I get through.
I think we oughta move the shop.
Let me tell you about my crew.
We will work anywhere, anytime.
Productivity has gone up here...
- Mm-hmm.
- At Godwin's lair.
But we're at our best when we
have snacks and air conditioning.
You know the best part?
Willie ain't runnin' in here...
talkin' about, "Y'all got
that order done yet?"
- And no Willie.
- "You're gettin' the duck call sticky."
"Get rid of the Popsicles."
- These things are like crack.
- Godwin's house? Perfect.
- Now we're selling flavored duck calls.
- Yeah. They'll probably like it.
- This one's gonna be strawberry here.
- It goes...
Oh. That was "purnurple" flavor.
- What flavor?
- "Purnurple."
- "Purnurple?"
- Hey. It's "purnurple."
Hey, look. Once,
when I was a kid...
I bought myself 100
double-stick Popsicles.
- Can you spell that?
- Yeah. It's P-U-R-P-N-L-E.
That's when I
learned the hard way...
You do not want to eat 100...
Double-stick Popsicles.
- Are there any alternate pronunciations?
- No.
The colors were
beautiful on the box.
Red, green, blue,
and hey, of course...
But trust me.
After you eat 'em...
You're fixin' to upchuck.
Purnurple-flavored duck call.
And the rainbow don't taste as good
coming up as it did when it went down.
I think I'm gonna
get me another one.
Hey, I want grape. Get
me one of them grape ones.
- No, you don't get the
grape— - Popsicle gravy.
- What's in this box here, Godwin?
- That come in last week.
- You ain't gonna open it?
- No.
- Read it and you'll see why.
- "The law office of Van Beet."
- Lawyers are after him.
- Uh-oh. Yeah.
- I'm fixin' to open this puppy up.
- Hey, crack that sucker open.
- No! What are you doing?
- Hey, look here.
Christmastime. There may
be a treasure in here, boy.
May be some thongs in there.
- Here's a letter addressed to John Godwin.
- Well, give it to me then.
Well, hold it. Godwin, you got a
great-uncle named Reuben Godwin?
- Yeah.
- Not anymore you don't.
He's died.
Hmm. Ol' Si's got a way
of breakin' it easy, don't he?
- I'm sorry, Godwin.
- Was he close to you?
I only met him one time.
Talkin' about, "Enclosed in
this box is your inheritance."
- At least you get a present.
- What's in there?
Hey. It's a jackalope, boys.
- Part rabbit, part deer.
- Now that's a present.
I shot at one of these one
time and missed the son...
- No, you didn't either, Si.
- Yeah, I did too.
When Si gets on a
roll, he's unstoppable.
Rabbits don't have horns, Si.
What do you mean?
I'm holding one right here.
It really makes no
difference what you say.
- That's a swamp rabbit,
and they put some deer horns on it.
- No.
He's like a runaway freight
train of misinformation.
He's got thick fur, and when it's
wet, he is might near bulletproof.
- You can't kill him.
- Toot-toot.
Boom-boom-boom-boom!
- Next stop, Fantasyland.
- Y'all got me excited now.
Godwin, I'm telling you,
that's worth some money.
- Si, it's not worth anything.
- What?
- It's gotta be worth something.
- Well, at least five bucks.
- We can get some more Popsicles.
- Yeah.
- Where would you even get it appraised at?
- Taxidermist?
Oh, yeah. We got a
bunch of them around here.
Hey.
All right, let's go
find us a taxidermist.
Yeah. I wonder how
much that thing's worth.
Me too.
- Jep, are you still wearing those shoes?
- Yeah.
That's just embarrassing
to be traveling with you.
- We finally made it.
- Here we are.
- Hello. I'm here to pick up an order.
- How are you doing?
- Okay. What's the name?
- The Golden 60's club.
Okay. We've got
it right here for you.
- How much is it?
- It's 77.54.
I'll pay for it.
No. It's my club and
I'm gonna pay for it.
- How much was that again?
- 77.54.
Good grief. If Carla
starts moving any slower...
she's gonna move
backwards in time.
77.54.
- Fifty-four?
- Fifty-four.
Oh, that's the year
I finished college.
- Oh, really? Good.
- Carla, I don't mind paying.
Which would actually
be beneficial to her.
- There's 20.
- Okay.
Three, four, five.
- How much is that?
- Oh, boy.
- She'd be like Benjamin Button.
- I got some ones.
Benjamin Carla. Carla Button?
- I have four pennies, I think.
- You don't have to do it exact.
- Is that a nickel or a quarter?
- Oh, for the love of humanity.
Benji-arla.
Whatever. She is old.
- Okay. Is that it?
- I think that's it today.
All right. Thank
you. Appreciate it.
- Have a good day.
- Okay. But let me tell her about this.
- Why we're getting this food.
- Okay.
The ladies are meeting.
- Carla, we're good. You ready to roll?
- Okay. Y'all have a good day.
- Did I tell you I have two cats?
- Oh, good grief.
Man, this place is awesome.
- Smells like roses.
- This place smells like something died.
Who gets excited about a
building full of stuffed animals?
- I certainly don't.
- Awesome.
Wow.
- Animals should be eaten.
- Oh, my goodness.
- That's cool.
- What a waste of a good frog.
That's sacrilegious.
Not stuffed.
- I stuff frogs in my body.
- Oh, heavens.
The only animal I stuff is
a turkey on Thanksgiving.
Sometimes Christmas.
Look at the size of that
nut in that squirrel's mouth.
Phew. You think that's
impressive? Look at that.
- Whoa.
- Good grief.
I don't know that
much about taxidermy.
That is one proud
sheep right there.
But I know good
work when I see it.
Goodness.
And that set right there
is pretty darn lifelike.
I wanna look away, but I can't.
I can't either.
And it's healthy too.
- That's impressive.
- Hey.
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Are you the man in charge?
- I am. What can I help y'all with?
- You know, I got a buddy of mine...
Hey, knock it off in there.
We got the guy who's
gonna help us right here.
What's wrong with
y'all? Come on.
Y'all bring that creepy
speci-mine in here.
- Don't mess up my hair.
- That is a jackalope.
- I haven't seen too many of these.
- Godwin?
- Hey. Money.
- What is it worth?
Gonna get paid.
I'm gonna make a few calls
and find out. I'll be right back.
- Rare means money.
- Cha-ching!
It's a jackalope. Hey, I've
learned one thing from this.
- What?
- I ain't gonna be buried.
I want a taxidermist
to stuff me.
No, look. Hey.
You can keep me a week.
I ain't keeping you a minute.
Hey, and the whole
family can share in it.
They'll keep me for a month.
What better way to
honor a man, okay...
than to immortalize
him as a redneck statue?
Just thinkin'. Jase has
got a fireplace. Look.
And I'll be like this.
Where you're
grabbing your rear end?
Hey. From the heat
from the fireplace.
That's what you want
to be immortalized by?
Wake up every morning to this.
You know? Hey.
Look, I'll be around forever.
- Hey, kind of sweet. Sentimental.
- All right, I got some news for y'all.
- All right, what's he worth?
- Let's hear it.
- He's worth about $50.
- What?
I haven't seen another
one like this anywhere.
- The thing's rare.
- If he had testicles, I can give you...
another $100 for
him, but he doesn't.
Hey, look here. $500, and I'll
bring you a pair of testicles for it.
Hey, look, if it's testes you
want, hey, why didn't you say so?
I'll give you some
of those, lickety-split.
Pow. Snip. Oh, nice fit.
Make it $1,000, and I'll bring you
a pair of testicles to put on there.
Look. Hey. If them
things are worth so much...
I'm thinkin' about
startin' my own business.
I can see it now. "Si's
Gonad Emporium."
Now what kind of testes
will you be needing today, sir?
Oh, I think I have a
couple of those in the back.
Let me get you a sack to put
those in, and I'll ring you up.
Pow. Snip. Cha-ching!
I'm talking about a gonad
monopoly here, boys.
I mean, that's all I can do.
I'll just keep him. It's
sentimental anyway.
Y'all take care.
Y'all know we still gotta
finish up that duck call order.
No.
Uh, I enjoyed it.
That was fun today.
Look who's here.
Come put this down with the
rest of the casseroles right here.
Good gr— How much
food do you have?
Well, you can't have
too many casseroles.
- This'll feed a hundred— - Son.
That was the most miserable
thing I've ever done in my life.
- Shh!
- Have you ever driven with her?
- She might hear you.
- She can't hear me, believe me.
- What?
- All right. Whatever, Mom.
Let me just do my
speech and get out of here.
I'm always proud to
show off my children.
And Willie, he is
a great speaker.
- Grace, do you want to come up
and introduce him?
- I'd love to.
He's been making wonderful
speeches all his life...
except for one time
in the fourth grade.
Hopefully, he won't
pee in his pants this time.
Good luck to you, son.
We have a very special
guest today, Kay's C.E.O. son.
The brother of Jason and Jep.
Let's give him a big
round of applause.
Hey. I'm Willie.
I'm a Duck Commander.
Nice to see you.
Most people are afraid of public speaking,
but most people aren't Willie Robertson.
The key in any
business is to have vision.
The trick is is to imagine
the audience naked.
Um...
Um— -
All right. Everybody's
got on clothes.
Everybody's got on clothes.
Okay, I think it's important
to have a five-year goal...
a 10-year goal and a...
We'll just stick with
short-term goals. You know...
Do you make and
sell crochet stuff?
Or, uh, maybe there's a business
in there. I'm not sure, but...
We can just eat the
casserole, and... move on.
That's it.
Thank you. Thanks.
I thought Jep was gonna be here.
I'm sorry. Just me.
Okay.
You sure it's safe to be
in here? It still stinks, man.
- I ate my sandwich and I'm all right.
- That's your opinion.
He's sittin' there talking to a
animal that doesn't exist. He's fine.
- That's Benjamin to you.
- Benjamin?
- Yeah. Benjamin Bunny.
- Hey, I don't care what his name is.
That's Benjamin.
- Here we go.
- Benjamin Bunny.
Give me that. Huh?
I'm fixin' to show y'all
something right here.
- All right.
- I been wearing these shoes a few days...
and I can feel a deep
burn in my calves.
Y'all ready?
The guys are laughing
now, but they won't be
laughing when I
tomahawk dunk in their face.
This is what happens when
you use the duck shoes right here.
- Goosh!
- What do you got?
A man called Michael Jordan.
- Whoa.
- Tongue out. And I just sprained my ankle.
He just sprained his ankle.
Ballin', y'all. Ballin'.
You think we wouldn't notice
that you lowered the rim...
about, what, two feet?
- Two foot.
- Y'all saw that, huh?
- How can you not see it? I mean, yeah.
- You're only five foot tall.
- Si, I'm five nine and a quarter!
- Heck, no.
If you want to dunk,
hey, do what the pros do.
- I don't have time to practice like that.
- No, no.
Get on steroids.
Hey, 'cause look— Come
into the real world, okay?
You're five foot tall
and you'll never dunk it
unless you get the
old shot in the buttocks.
Si, I say no to drugs.
Well, I'd say no to
dunkin' then, buddy.
All right. Lasagna from
the Golden 60's. Miss Carla.
Please bow. Father, bless
my friends, my family...
my country for His sake,
Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.
Amen.
It's easy to get caught
up in the fast-paced
lifestyle of a C. E. O.
The problem is, you can't
always live on the go...
especially when Carla's driving.
Whether it's an obnoxious amount of
casseroles or an unusual inheritance...
it's better to appreciate what you
have than worry about what you don't.
Hey, Willie, I'm thinkin' about
gettin' in the gonad business.
- Any advice you can give me?
- Did you just say gonad?