Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 4 - A-Jase-ent Living - full transcript

- Double or nothin'. Double it.
- Double or nothing.

I'll give you a
free shot. Take it.

Man, I can't shoot when he...

Pay up, sorry old fart.

Now, most people know that a
gentleman's bet is not for money.

- Gentleman's bet.
- Just for a dollar?

- Yeah, one dollar.
- Gentleman's bet, boys.

But Si isn't most people...

A one-dollar bet.

Or a gentleman.

- Son, you tryin' to cheat already?
- No, I ain't tryin' to cheat.



So we told him gentleman's
bets are for a dollar.

One dollar.

It raises the stakes a bit.

I got a dollar sayin'
Luke will beat Beau.

'Pecker race.

I'm gonna school you boys bad.

- I'm in on that.
- Dollar on Beau.

- Dollar on Beau.
- Dollar on Luke.

- I'm fixin' to old-school you boys.
- Ready, go!

- He got a head start.
- Come on, boy.

Now! Hey!

- Go! Go!
- He's gone.

- Look at this trash!
- Look at that woodpecker go!

Outhustled by my own nephew.



Defective woodpecker.

I guess the joke's on me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Stupid woodpeckers.

Hey. You just gave me
the old woodpecker hustle.

Oh, it's a long story.

- What do you need?
- Why aren't all these calls put together?

- We're workin' on 'em.
- You ain't done one yet.

- We-We got this.
- Oh, here you go.

All right, you got one.

I gotta go anyway. I'm
comin' to your house.

Oh, that's right. Crap.

Why are you goin'
to his house for?

I got no electricity. I got
no water. I got no food.

Jase and Missy are
updatin' their kitchen...

so their house is a
little unlivable right now.

This is gonna be like old times.

Missy is gonna be out of town, so Korie
offered up our house for Jase and the kids.

- Brothers back together.
- Oh, crap.

Y'all remember that time I said I
was excited to have Jase over?

- You ready to do this?
- Yeah. It's gonna be lovely.

Yeah. Me neither.

Gentleman's bet. I got
a dollar it lasts one day...

and they can't be
in the same house.

- Gentleman's bets aren't for money, Si.
- What are you talkin' about?

Willie. Willie. Mm-hmm.

What?

- I want half that. Whatever.
- All right. Deal.

I'll bet you a dollar.

I got a dollar they'll
be in the yard pulling

each other's hair by
the end of the day.

I'm all in, baby.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be working and
slaving your whole life away ♪♪

All right. Hit it, Godwin.

Bring the heat.

Okay, pay up, sucker.

There's two type of people
in any bet— The hustler...

- Pay the piper, son.
- He swings, and a miss.

- And then you got the idiot.
- What an idiot.

On the woodpecker
bet, I was the idiot.

Step aside, boys.
My wing's warmed up.

Now I'm fixin' to
become the hustler.

All I need is an
idiot of my own.

One dollar you leave more
than five cups up there.

Bingo.

You boys better step back. Ain't no
tellin' where these cups are fixin' to fly.

- Y'all ready?
- This is easy money here.

Ho! Yeah, just a bit outside.

It blows my mind that
Dad and Si are related.

Back when I was
in high school...

I was the deadliest pitcher
in the state of Louisiana.

- Double or nothin'.
- Double or nothin'.

Ho! Triple or nothin'. Let's go.

Dad could've been
an N.F.L. quarterback.

They nicknamed
me The Terminator.

Y'all ready for me to knock
all 10 of these cups down?

Si looks like Gumby
throwin' a baseball.

A little rock back, hey.

I only had one pitch.

The bean.

All right!

He sucks.

Pay up, sucker.

Turkeys.

These boys think they
got the best of old Si.

Nice doin' business
with you clowns.

But, hey, look, I just need
the right bet. Then I'll cash in.

Dude, this baseball's got me fired
up. Let's go to the battin' cages.

I'll show those boys nobody gets
the best of Silas Merritt Robertson.

- Baseball fever, boys.
- Stupid cups.

Hey, that's one way to do it.

Hey, baby.

What's up, kids?

The little kids have
been makin' a fort.

That's not a fort.
That's a tepee.

- That's a fort. They even have
little— - It's a tepee. It's not a fort.

A fort is a structure, like a square
structure. I used to build 'em.

- Okay, it's their—tepee.
- Tepee.

They've been workin'
on it all day. It's awesome.

There's a big difference
in a fort and a tepee.

I know I tend to complain
a lot about Jase...

but the kids seem to
be enjoying each other.

There's a better way of
doing this, but this is cool.

It's one weekend with
him. How bad can it be?

The old tepee approach.

Hooh! There it is.

Oh, man, perfect timing.
You talk about a comeback?

Oh, crap. Is this the game?

Jase, I had this recorded.

It's not over yet. Sit
down. Let's watch it.

- You're in my chair.
- Yeah. It's really comfortable.

- Here, you sit down—
- No, that's fine. I'll sit...

Don't sit there. That's wet.

- Come get your chair.
- I'm already wet now.

All right.

So far, I've been living with Jase
and his kids for a total of five minutes.

And already the house looks
like crap. The game is ruined.

- This game is over.
- And my butt is wet.

Does Jase care?

Look at that.

Oh, man, that's awesome.

It's only for a few days.
It's only for a few days.

It's only for a few days.

When do you all eat around here?

Did you ever think about— "Maybe
he's got this recorded for a reason"?

You shouldn't try to
record a live sporting event.

That was your fault.

You have to if you're not here.
That's the only way you can watch it.

That's just dumb.

Everyone knows the best
part of watching a game...

is being able to will and
cheer your team to win.

You can't get the same kind of connection
with something that already happened.

Yes, you can.

No, you can't.

You wouldn't tape the
presidential election...

wait a month and
then pretend it's live.

It's like a movie. Would
you watch the end of it?

A movie's not live. I
can watch that anytime.

It's the same principle!

Ramirez checks his swing.

That's just... fantasyland.

- Dinner's ready.
- Oh, it's about time.

- I'm gonna pause it.
- Why did you pause it?

I don't mind pausin' it.
I mean, that's different.

Let me go check on
what dinner's all about.

You ain't watchin' none of it.

What'd you spill,
a bucket of water?

Oh, yeah!

I've always been an early riser.

Mostly because when you
grow up with three brothers...

if you don't eat
early, you don't eat.

Hey! Hey!

- And believe it or
not— - Mm-mmm!

Willie used to get up
earlier than all of us.

Whoo-ooh! That was good.

- What are you doing?
- I'm cooking breakfast.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

I know.

Jase has the unique ability
to annoy the crap out of you...

usually without even realizing
that he's being so annoying.

Jase, everybody's
asleep. You been bangin'...

It's Saturday. I
fish on Saturday.

Who doesn't understand that waking
someone up at 4:00 a.m. is a bad thing?

Watch it right there.
I dropped a egg.

It's a question that
keeps me awake at night.

I'm sure you've woken up the
whole neighborhood by now.

Literally.

Look at that. You want
some of this steak?

- Where did you get that?
- Out of the refrigerator.

What?

That was mine.

It's a steak. I'll get
you another one.

It won't be wagyu.

- I don't even know what that is.
- Exactly.

It's way too early in the
morning for me to decide...

whether I'm angry or hungry.

Joker's about ready to eat.

- That's $100 right there.
- You wanna try some of it?

That was not what you think.

No. I don't wanna try any of it.

Keep your voice down.
You're gonna wake the kids.

That was an angry gurgle.

Clean all this crap up.

Hmm.

Wagyu. Who knew?

Are you ready for some baseball?

Wrong sport, Si.

Look here. When I get through...

I'm gonna have a roll that
will choke a full-grown mule.

Now this is the bet I've
been waiting for, okay?

I may just give y'all a
break and just use one hand.

You know what they say.
If at first you don't hustle...

- Me and Thunder Stick.
- Down.

Try, try again.

What are you talkin' about?
That thing's twice my age.

Plus, those cups, I'm
positive they was defective.

They wasn't up to code.

- Come on, Thunder Stick.
- Age before beauty.

We'll let Si go first.

I got a dollar says
you don't make contact.

Ha! I'm takin' that
bet. I'm takin' that bet.

- Get in there and hit.
- You ready? Let's do this.

Si proved yesterday he
can't throw a baseball.

Hey, this is like...

I can tell you spent a lot
of time in batting cages.

So I know he can't hit one.

- You ready?
- No, I ain't ready!

Go!

My bet? A whole
lot of swingin'...

Fire in the hole!

Si, you're an embarrassment
to the Robertson name.

And a whole lotta missin'.

Nice throw.

Whoa!

Hey, what's with
the high heat, man?

And maybe a few
balls to the old coconut.

- Pay up, son.
- Ball four. First base.

You still lose. You
didn't make contact.

- You didn't throw me a strike.
- What?

Look here. Obviously
that game was rigged.

But what these boys don't know is I'm
fixin' to clean 'em out on the side bets.

That's the best hustle.

Gentleman's bet. He's
gotta hit two of 'em.

- There it is.
- Another one.

Pay up.

- Gentleman's bet.
- What's the bet?

I'm fixin' to put these boys on a one-way
ticket, first class, to brokesville.

- Four, five.
- Hey, now.

You been hustled. You're a grown
man. Get over it and give me my money.

Gentleman's bet?
Definitely gonna hit this one.

Guarantee.

Thank you for the donation, Si.

Boo, hoo, hoo! Si took all
my dollar bills. He hustled me.

Give me a break.
Here's the stupid dollar.

My money. Give
me the dollar. Pay up.

Hey, you know what? Hey,
all of baseball's defective.

Hey, any of y'all wanna
wrestle for a dollar?

I'll tell you who's good
at wrestling. That's Phil.

He's the Indian
leg-wrestling champion.

- I can beat him now.
- No.

I used to couldn't when I was
a kid, but I can take him now.

This is Indian leg wrestlin'...

not the type where you run around
and grab each other like two bears.

I know exactly what it is.

Hey, now, this is the kind
of action I been waitin' for.

He's gonna turn you
over like a cheerleader.

- You'll be doing cartwheels, son.
- We'll see.

This is a hustler's dream.

- Gentleman's bet that says Phil wins.
- You got it, pal.

Let's go to Phil's, y'all, and
let's do some leg wrestling.

Whoo. This baby is musty.

Ew! Ew!

You know what that's
called? Fish slime.

It'll make your eyes water.

Are we gonna eat him?

Him and all of his friends.

Ew.

- What are you doing?
- I hit the jackpot.

- The whole house stinks.
- Well, yeah.

What is that?
What's in the sink?

It looks like a beaver,
but I know it's not a beaver.

It's a beaver.
That's what's stinkin'.

Are we gonna eat the beaver?

Now, I've lived with
Jase, so I'm used to

the awful smells that
he brings to the table.

Why is that in my sink?

I was gonna wash
the blood off of him.

That's a good idea.

But Korie ain't gonna
be so understanding.

Hey.

- Oh. Wait. What is that smell?
- It's a beaver.

Jase, why is there
a beaver in my sink?

- I killed the beaver.
- That beaver smells bad.

That's what a
rodent smells like.

- Okay, but why— Oh,
my— - It's a crawfish.

How did the crawfish
get in the house?

Look, I got some crawfish in the
tub. I'm purgin' 'em. Don't panic.

What tub? Where's the tub?

- What in the world?
- He's a idiot.

It's about a hundred
pounds of crawfish.

- Pukin' in our bathtub.
- I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of baseball spoilers.

- I'm sick of beavers.
- I'm sick of early-morning rackets.

- I'm sick of all of it.
- You gotta get 'em outta here.

- He is gone.
- You're not kicking your brother
out of the house.

I'm talking about the crawfish.
Get the crawfish out of the house.

- Them too. I'll get 'em all out.
- Willie.

- I'm undefeated in leg wrestling.
- There he is.

I practiced on this
guy all the time.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

- What you got goin', Dad?
- There's a fine-lookin' crew.

Hey, go ahead and tell him, Jep.

Dad, I hereby challenge you
to an Indian leg-wrestling match.

A what?

An Indian leg-wrestling
competition.

- A Indian leg-wrestling— - Is
that all y'all got going this morning?

I told him on the way down
here he's fixin' to get hurt.

You know, you
reach a certain age...

and you just get past
the redneck challenges.

You in?

Nah.

They just don't turn
you on anymore.

The only wrestling I
do is with your mama.

That's what you're
doing here, son.

Oh, that's just gross.

Old Jep's pretty delicate
anyway, you know.

- Look here. We got big money on this.
- How much?

- Four dollars.
- Are you nuts?

I don't wanna cripple
up the poor boy.

I tell you what. If
a dollar profit is all

you're after, I may
have something for you.

- Here we go.
- Won't take you five minutes.

And everybody
gets a crisp dollar bill.

You're on, sucker.

This is the bet I been
waitin' for, all right?

I'll show you something
better than Indian leg wrestling.

It's not Indian leg wrestling,
but, hey, it's a sure thing.

The question is, how
do we get it out of there?

Well, Dad, how did
that thing get up there?

Hurricane Gustav.

Gentleman's bet. We'll
get that thing out of that tree.

Go to work? Don't
ever tell a redneck that.

I'll take that bet.

But you bet him he
can't do something...

here he comes.

Three options.

No dynamite, chain
saws or shotguns.

Right.

Look here, boys. Sometimes
you just gotta go for the gusto.

- The gusto?
- Yeah. Gustav.

You gotta ask
yourself a question.

Do I feel lucky?

Well, do ya, punk?

That's the best part.

Boom!

Look, here's the deal.

- I don't know if this is working out.
- What?

The fish guts,
the crawfish, the...

The beaver.

It was a beautiful beaver.

Jase, this is,
like, a problem...

for me.

You want me to go?

Yes! A thousand times yes.

No, I'm not saying
go. I'm just saying...

I want Jase out of my house.

Try to...

Get out. Go.

- You know what I'm sayin'?
- Bye-bye.

I don't even know
what you're talkin' about.

But he's my brother, and you
can't kick your family out on the curb.

Willie, I apologize.
I, you know...

The porch is still
an option though.

All right, forget
it. Just forget it.

You're good. Enjoy my chair.

- You can have your chair back.
- Forget it.

Go for the gusto!

All right, boys, we gotta
get this thing out of the tree.

Si, throw this rope around
the boat, this side of the tree.

This side of the tree.

All right, boys.
Gentleman's bet.

I'm fixin' to lasso that chair.

- How many tries?
- Ain't gonna take but one.

- You're on, Jack.
- You boys forgettin' I'm a cowboy.

- Si, you ain't no cowboy.
- Hey!

Hey, this is the bet I
been waitin' for, okay?

Oh, look at him. He
look like one, don't he?

Look here. Say good-bye
to your Washingtons, boys.

- You gonna lasso yourself.
- I'm gettin' out of the way.

Si, show 'em where the power is.

- Si, throw it already.
- Go with it.

Side bet. We'll be out
here at least four hours.

Right.

I'm thinkin' now, Si, crap,
this might actually work.

All right, on Si's
cue, y'all go that way.

All right, here you go, Godwin.

Just like runnin'
the fried chicken.

So, wait. Si ain't
even helpin' us out?

Hey, you boys are the
labor, okay? I'm management.

Oh, good grief.

All right, look, all
the other bets...

them was just, you
know, gettin' them enticed.

- I do not work.
- Ain't that the truth.

I bet on people that work.

This is the major payoff.

And, hey, I got a dollar
on all three of you...

that y'all can pull it off.

It's the ultimate hustle, boys.

- Si's gonna count it down.
- All right. Three...

- Don't overthink it.
- One.

Pull, mule.

- Get after it!
- Pull!

Give it all you got!

Harder. Keep goin'. Keep goin'.

- Help, Si.
- Go for the gusto, boys.

- Si, just shut up.
- Show me the money!

Well, come help, Si.

Show me the money.

Show me the money.

Well, come help, Si.

Hey, I know what I
need. I need a big whip.

Si, get over there and
show 'em what raw power is.

One, two, three. Pull.

Pull. Pull it, men!

Geronimo!

- Whoa!
- Man down!

- He gone.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Just stand up, Godwin.

I'm glad to see this
little baby's still floatin'.

Phil, hey, give 'em a dollar.

It's the best
dollar I ever spent.

Show me the money!

Oh, my gosh.

What the crap?

Jase.

All right, that's it. I've
had it up to here with Jase.

- Korie.
- Strike three... million.

- Have you seen the kitchen?
- Hey. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Missy. I didn't
know you were back.

- What is this?
- Got a little surprise.

- Hey.
- Have you seen...

Welcome.

- What is that?
- I thought it was Korie's apron, but...

- I think you look cute.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Save it for later.

- Who did this?
- That would be your brother.

- Jep? I didn't know— - No.

- Your favorite brother.
- You did all this?

I'm tryin' to bury
the hatchet here.

Or in this case,
bury the beaver.

I came in there ready
to take Jase's head off...

but this is a
really nice gesture.

I thought I'd put on a
little Chef Jase evening.

And I'm starvin'.

I might've got out of hand a
little bit with the dead beaver...

and the crawfish in the
tub, although it was practical.

I may have gotten out of hand a
little bit over the remote control...

- TV, beaver in the
sink— - All right, well...

Crawfish, fish guts down
my garbage disposal.

- Oh, yeah.
- That was gross.

The beaver's still in
the yard, by the way.

So, we good now?

Yeah. It's all over.

- Come here. Give me a hug.
- No. No, no.

- That's just— hey. No.
- Come on.

If I had known Jase was
gonna run away from a hug...

I'd have used that all weekend.

- One touch.
- You're scaring me right now.

Come here.

That's brotherly love.

Let's eat.

Father, we're so thankful for all
the many blessings you give us.

Thank you for these crawfish
and for Jase cookin' 'em all up.

- For all this through Jesus. Amen.
- Amen.

- Dig in.
- Let's get on it.

Some things in life come

as natural to the
Robertsons as breathing—

Using a duck call,
growing a beard...

hustling your uncle for cash...

and bringing your brother
to the verge of a breakdown.

But no matter what happens,
there's nothing better...

than spending time
with your family...

except being able to go home
afterwards— Your own home.

Hey, Si. Jase and I made
it the whole weekend.

You owe me that dollar.

Hey. Don't hustle a hustler.