Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 3 - Hot Tub Grime Machine - full transcript
The guys realize that Godwin has never really asked them for a favor, even though they are all always helping each other out. Godwin asks them to help him get a hot tub, so they set out to help him pick one up.
Okay, all right.
Everybody calm down.
Watch your step, boys.
Take your time.
- Watch your step.
- Take your time.
- We'll be the speed of this.
- All right. Okay.
One of the many perks
of being in the Robertson clan—
- Si, are you pushing?
- No, I ain't pushing.
- Quit pushing.
- is that if you need help...
- all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
- Today I got all the boys...
helping me install my new dock.
- This'll last about a month.
- It's a great system.
Dude, this sucks.
But like any other system,
there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around,
or are you gonna go ahead put a screw in it?
- I thought you were helping us carry this?
- I am helping! Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get cattywampus.
Who you calling an idiot?
Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have
is super vision.
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey.
[ Jase ]
Tell you how much money I got in this?
He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought you all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that?
Hey, this is the buddy- the family system,
okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look, what's the point
of having family and friends...
if you can't ask ‘em for help
every once in a while?
Yall wearing me out with asking for help.
Once I asked this family help me clean
a deer that I'd shot in their backyard.
You always asking favors,
but you never help out with any favors.
Hey, they asked me, “Who are you?”
I said, “Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?”
Well, hey, no. They didn't help me.
Hey, some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
- Yes, you have.
- I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects?
I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
[ Jase ]
I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help
at least once in their life.
- Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What are you talking about? Y'all ain't
got it straight. Let me get out there...
- and look at that thing.
- It don't have to be straight, Si.
- 'm gonna fish off of it.
- Hey, I'll test this thing for you.
- Uh-oh.
- [ Whoops I
[ Laughing ]
They gone.
- [ Laughter Continues ]
- So much for super vision.
[Man ]
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and slavin'
your whole life away JJ,
[ Duck Quacking ]
[Si]
Hey, y'all wanna hear a little football story?
- [ Jase ] No.
- Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si.
- Best game ever.
[ Exhales ]
Watching my Uncle Si
tell a story about football-
That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching
the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
- This is not gonna start on a football field.
- What?
It always starts with some pregame hype—
This team was 9-0. But hey, this dude
that weighs 197 and looks like King Kong—
then you hear a little bit about team strategy—
Coach says, “Okay, somebody has got
to knock this big guy off his feet.”
So I finally said, “Hey, I'll get him, Coach.”
- What?
- [ Laughter ]
- 135-pound Killer Cat Robertson—
- [ Laughter ]
- But look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
and then, you know, two hours later,
the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later,
yoop, end zone. Okay, 7-0.
- We scored 10 times in a row.
- What?
- The score is 70-14.
- [ Laughter ]
- Then of course you have half time.
- [ Slurps, Gulps ]
Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a back ache, Vick's VapoRub.
Bengay. Isn't it Bengay?
Is that the name of it?
It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then before you know it,
the game's back on.
The little guy kicking it
and then getting killed.
- Huh?
- Whoa! Whoom! Boom! Boom!
Booyah!
Game over.
- [ Door Closes I
-77-14.
- Si, have you done anything today?
- Nah.
[ Ice Clinks ]
Bam!
- Boom town!
- Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
- You got one with me on it, Will?
- [ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles I
In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the boss hog, Jase attempts to run
the duck call room and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink
on a Jep coaster?
Man, I got no bobble head, no coaster.
Hey, maybe we can make
some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh, that'd be cool.
- Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep
never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously.
I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
Y'all said y'all'd help me,
so I need yall to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now?
I wanna cash ‘em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm goin' get me a hot tub.
- What?
- A hot tub.
A what?
A hog?
- A hot tub.
- Oh, a hot tub.
- A hot tub?
- A hot tub?
A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man
would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big, like, bathtub with friends.
- See?
- What?
- Wouldn't that be cool?
- You wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor?
Man wants a hot tub,
he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop. We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Hot tub party!
- I'm getting a hot tub!
Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
[ Miss Kay I
What are you looking for?
[ Phil ] I'm hunting an extension cord,
Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what?
- For that smell.
[ Sighs ]
- It's fixin' to make me throw up.
- You betcha.
Bingo. I have found it.
That's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
- There they come right there.
- [ Car Approaches I
Hey! Boy, y'all really look
like a bunch of rednecks.
- [ Miss Kay Laughs ]
- Hey, Pa-paw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your
grandchildren to come help you do anything.
Yeah, I got a little lesson
for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind
of excuse to get ‘'em on the premises.
Yall got my tarp?
- We got it.
- Got it.
Things like, “Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.”
[ Groaning ]
Good work.
Presto, you look up, you got a labor force.
I've got an adventure for yall. Y'all gonna
be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah. I could tell you was excited.
[ Whistles ]
Or Pa-paw slicked ' em again.
- [ Phil ] Grab that tarp.
- [ John Luke ] Yes, sir.
- [ Bella ] So what are we doing?
- It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones about six grand.
What's your budget?
- Not many.
- Not many?
Hmm, that's weird.
I don't reference money by “many,” but—
- What?
- All I can spend's 200 bucks.
- $2007?
- $200.
- So you want a used one?
- With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right. Noted.
When it comes to germs,
Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps
and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water.
- A used hot tub?
- But just the mention of a man-made place...
with clean, animal-free water
is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it.
Blisters, skin rashes or hepatitis.
[Si]
Overcome by bacteria.
[ Laughter ]
Ha!
He calls himself a purist, but everyone else
just calls him a germophobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Man wants a hot tub.
- [ Si] Hey, and I know where he can find one.
- At Squirrel's.
- That's actually not a bad idea...
‘cause all he has is crap, so—
We gonna get a hot tub with speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers
too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life,
Godwin, but I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- [ Si] All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
And I might find me something I wanna buy
down there at Squirrel's.
- [ Godwin ] I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- [ Jase ] Or hepatitis.
[ Willie ]
Jase!
[ Godwin I
I want a hot tub.
[ Jase ] A buddy of mine
got his hair clogged in the drain.
- [ Godwin ] I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair?
[ Imitates Sucking ]
I'll stay away from the drain.
Hello, Clarice. I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there?
- Si!
- Come on back.
- Cut to your left.
- Si, can you even see the trailer hitch?
It's under your truck.
Look, back in Nam,
I was a air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
People don't understand.
You can say anything with hand signals.
- This means come straight back.
- Si. I can't see you.
Hey, this and that—
You know.
I can say clear for takeoff.
- Si, what does that mean?
- Left.
Hyah! Hyah!
Hey!
- Si!
- Huh?
Stand up.
Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up,
you're paying for it.
Hey—
I ain't paying for nothing.
- What?
- That's horrible directions.
You wasn't obeying
my “air traf” directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing?
- 'm trying to talk him out of doing this...
- so we don't waste a whole day.
- You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Let's get out of here.
Si, hook the trailer up.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing?
[Si]
Yeah, I got that. I got it.
All right, you boys ready to go?
- We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- [ Godwin ] With speakers.
- [ Willie ] We gonna get it.
- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
- [ Laughing ]
[ Phil ] All right, you kids
are fresh out of the subdivision.
[ Children ]
Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far
just looking around?
What have you noticed?
Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering
from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
Uh, that means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke?
- John Luke? Trees?
- Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares...
they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food. What if everything goes south,
there are no chicken nuggets...
there's no big-tall Coca-Colas and fries.
- What then?
- We would survive like 7he Walking Dead.
What?
Now look. You see that?
This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
Everything goes south—
- Like in 7he Walking Dead?
- you'll be eating good.
- Yeah, like in 7he Walking Dead.
- John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure,
we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots?
You gonna grab those trees with both hands,
and you're gonna shake ‘em.
You get on that tree.
You get on this one.
When I tell you, start shaking. You ready?
On the count of three: one, two, three.
Start shaking. Hard.
- [ Miss Kay ] Oh, man!
- [ Phil ] Not bad.
[ Miss Kay I
Oh, no! Look!
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard. It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
[ Man]
Well, check it out.
- [ Jase ] It doesn't have any speakers.
- [ Laughs ]
The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
- You don't like it.
- No, I don't like it.
- I got to have it.
- [ Willie ] All right, we'll take it.
- We got a deal?
- All right. Deal done. Pay on your way out.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- All right.
- Let's go.
[ Squirrel ] I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just put it on your bill. [ Laughs ]
[ Lil" Will ]
So what do we do next?
We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes
with a low fire under that.
- Ten minutes?
- You got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are—
- Waiting?
- Patient.
You know how bored they get
in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come to those who wait.
Patience.
It's hard for kids these days
to learn patience.
- Two things require patience.
- [ Dog Yelps I
- [ Miss Kay Giggling ] Bow-bow.
- People—
- Bow-bow! Come on! [ Kisses ]
- People—
- Bow-bow!
- [ Whining ]
They can hardly sit still,
let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
You got it?
- Yes, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
- Wait in line, wait in the—
- [ Miss Kay Squealing ]
They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore—
- Jay! Jay!
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
- have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Bow-bow!
- [ Phil ] Patience. See what I'm saying?
[ Willie ]
Godwin, where do you want it?
Put it right there.
In your front yard?
Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it
in the backyard.
Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
- I want it in the front yard.
- [ Si ] Hey, look, Godwin.
You need think about your neighbors, okay?
What's the deal?
Why do you want it up here?
They wake up, they have a light breakfast,
they come out the door—
I like to watch the cars go by.
- What are you, a dog?
- [ Barking ]
[ Si ] And then the first thing
that greets them in the morming...
a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
- Are you sure you don't want it in the back?
- No.
Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to—[ Gags I
- I want it in the front yard.
- [ Willie ] Fine. I don't care.
- All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle:
How many Duck Commander employees...
does it take to unload
one worthless hot tub?
- Push it up.
- Now up.
- Now up?
- No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision
and leadership—
We're gonna do the up-back-and-slide method.
three more to grunt
and revisit high school football injuries—
- Don't hit me in the head.
- [ Shouting ]
Hey, whoa, whoa!
- and one to be a lazy bum.
- [ Tapping Rhythm I]
- I found a ladybug.
- Or two lazy bums.
- [ Si ] Hot tub, hot tub, hot tub.
- I guess the real question is...
why does Duck Commander have
so many numskull employees?
- [ Godwin ] Don't scar it up!
- Watch out, son. This thing's heavy.
[ All Shouting ]
[ Willie ]
There went the side.
[ All Shouting ]
- Let it go, let it go!
- [ Shouting ]
- Whoo!
- [ Si] All right, good job!
Push that crap over.
Timber!
- Perfect!
- [ Si] Installed, boys.
[ Jase ] You're now the proud owner
of a disgusting hot tub.
- This board's broke.
- That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You'd better hurry up
if you're gonna get that thing ready...
- by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
- You pretty excited about it, son?
- Yes, sir. I'm starving.
Okay. Food is one of the best teaching tools
that there is.
[ Gulps ]
And that's especially true
when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are,
the better they listen to you.
- [ Dog Barking ]
- [ Phil ] What about it?
- Good.
- What about you, big boots?
Mm. Yeah. That's good.
Plus it builds a lot of character.
[ Miss Kay I
Mm-mmm.
- Tasty.
- I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
- [ Dog Barking ]
- That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it. Look, that's just one—
That's r—
This is really good actually.
- Well, let's go.
- Yes, sir.
[ Phil ]
The lesson you've learned today is what?
[ John Luke ]
Waiting. Patience.
[ Godwin ]
Going in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
[ Martin ]
Oh, this is priceless.
- [ Shouts I
- [ Laughter ]
What's wrong, old buddy?
This is cold.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, there we go.
Now.
Now there's my picture.
Hey, hey, hey!
- Godwin, how's it going in there?
- Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where-Where's the bubbles?
- Turn it on.
- [ Martin ] Fire it up, Will.
- I'm turning it on... now.
Fire in the hole.
[ Silence I
[ Beeps I
[ Beeps I
[ Beeps I
- Is this what you press?
- [ Beeping ]
Fire on the grill, Jack!
[ Beeping ]
[ Motor Starts, Bubbling ]
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah!
Ah, yeah!
In all the years I've known Godwin,
I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
Get in this.
Y'all don't wanna get in here?
- Godwin, stop it.
- He's happier than a pig in mud.
John, you've got crap all over your chest.
- Yeah. It could be a Squirrel turd.
- Oh, this is great.
Which is actually a fitting comparison...
when you consider how disgusting
that water probably is.
- Y'all don't know what you're missing.
- I's kinda loud, isn't it?
What?
- Y'all gonna want some of this. Come on.
- No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo!
[ Motor, Bubbling Stop ]
[ Beeping ]
- What happened to my bubbles?
-[ Si] It bubbled out.
- Well, John, for one second-
- [ Bubbles I
- Oh, chili dog.
- [ Groaning ]
- That hurt him there.
- Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
- Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
- I appreciate y'all.
- Have fun, sir.
[ Jase ]
Stay away from that drain.
- [ Motor Starts, Bubbling ]
- Hey, it's working again. Y'all come back.
♪ 1 got my hot tub,
I got my hot tub ♪
♪ And you don't ♪
[ Phil ]
Father, thank you for the fried chicken...
they mayhaw jelly
that you raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus,
so it's through him I ask this prayer. Amen.
[ All']
Amen.
[ Willie ] Sometimes doing a favor
for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times it means you'll be spending
all day at a stinking junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose
how you help somebody.
You just help ‘em
‘cause they been there fo help you.
And in the end, if you can put a smile
on a buddys face...
it's worth all the trouble.
Plus it means I'm off the hook
for favors for a while.
[ Phil ]
Godwin, you're glowing.
[ John Luke ]
Like in The Walking Dead?
[ Phil ]
Pipe down, will you?
Everybody calm down.
Watch your step, boys.
Take your time.
- Watch your step.
- Take your time.
- We'll be the speed of this.
- All right. Okay.
One of the many perks
of being in the Robertson clan—
- Si, are you pushing?
- No, I ain't pushing.
- Quit pushing.
- is that if you need help...
- all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
- Today I got all the boys...
helping me install my new dock.
- This'll last about a month.
- It's a great system.
Dude, this sucks.
But like any other system,
there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around,
or are you gonna go ahead put a screw in it?
- I thought you were helping us carry this?
- I am helping! Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get cattywampus.
Who you calling an idiot?
Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have
is super vision.
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey.
[ Jase ]
Tell you how much money I got in this?
He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought you all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that?
Hey, this is the buddy- the family system,
okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look, what's the point
of having family and friends...
if you can't ask ‘em for help
every once in a while?
Yall wearing me out with asking for help.
Once I asked this family help me clean
a deer that I'd shot in their backyard.
You always asking favors,
but you never help out with any favors.
Hey, they asked me, “Who are you?”
I said, “Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?”
Well, hey, no. They didn't help me.
Hey, some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
- Yes, you have.
- I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects?
I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
[ Jase ]
I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help
at least once in their life.
- Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What are you talking about? Y'all ain't
got it straight. Let me get out there...
- and look at that thing.
- It don't have to be straight, Si.
- 'm gonna fish off of it.
- Hey, I'll test this thing for you.
- Uh-oh.
- [ Whoops I
[ Laughing ]
They gone.
- [ Laughter Continues ]
- So much for super vision.
[Man ]
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪
♪ All of your life ♪
♪ The blood in you boilin' and sweatin' ♪
♪ You'll be workin' and slavin'
your whole life away JJ,
[ Duck Quacking ]
[Si]
Hey, y'all wanna hear a little football story?
- [ Jase ] No.
- Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si.
- Best game ever.
[ Exhales ]
Watching my Uncle Si
tell a story about football-
That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching
the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
- This is not gonna start on a football field.
- What?
It always starts with some pregame hype—
This team was 9-0. But hey, this dude
that weighs 197 and looks like King Kong—
then you hear a little bit about team strategy—
Coach says, “Okay, somebody has got
to knock this big guy off his feet.”
So I finally said, “Hey, I'll get him, Coach.”
- What?
- [ Laughter ]
- 135-pound Killer Cat Robertson—
- [ Laughter ]
- But look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
and then, you know, two hours later,
the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later,
yoop, end zone. Okay, 7-0.
- We scored 10 times in a row.
- What?
- The score is 70-14.
- [ Laughter ]
- Then of course you have half time.
- [ Slurps, Gulps ]
Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a back ache, Vick's VapoRub.
Bengay. Isn't it Bengay?
Is that the name of it?
It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then before you know it,
the game's back on.
The little guy kicking it
and then getting killed.
- Huh?
- Whoa! Whoom! Boom! Boom!
Booyah!
Game over.
- [ Door Closes I
-77-14.
- Si, have you done anything today?
- Nah.
[ Ice Clinks ]
Bam!
- Boom town!
- Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
- You got one with me on it, Will?
- [ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles I
In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the boss hog, Jase attempts to run
the duck call room and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink
on a Jep coaster?
Man, I got no bobble head, no coaster.
Hey, maybe we can make
some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh, that'd be cool.
- Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep
never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously.
I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
Y'all said y'all'd help me,
so I need yall to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now?
I wanna cash ‘em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm goin' get me a hot tub.
- What?
- A hot tub.
A what?
A hog?
- A hot tub.
- Oh, a hot tub.
- A hot tub?
- A hot tub?
A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man
would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big, like, bathtub with friends.
- See?
- What?
- Wouldn't that be cool?
- You wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor?
Man wants a hot tub,
he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop. We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Hot tub party!
- I'm getting a hot tub!
Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
[ Miss Kay I
What are you looking for?
[ Phil ] I'm hunting an extension cord,
Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what?
- For that smell.
[ Sighs ]
- It's fixin' to make me throw up.
- You betcha.
Bingo. I have found it.
That's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
- There they come right there.
- [ Car Approaches I
Hey! Boy, y'all really look
like a bunch of rednecks.
- [ Miss Kay Laughs ]
- Hey, Pa-paw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your
grandchildren to come help you do anything.
Yeah, I got a little lesson
for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind
of excuse to get ‘'em on the premises.
Yall got my tarp?
- We got it.
- Got it.
Things like, “Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.”
[ Groaning ]
Good work.
Presto, you look up, you got a labor force.
I've got an adventure for yall. Y'all gonna
be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah. I could tell you was excited.
[ Whistles ]
Or Pa-paw slicked ' em again.
- [ Phil ] Grab that tarp.
- [ John Luke ] Yes, sir.
- [ Bella ] So what are we doing?
- It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones about six grand.
What's your budget?
- Not many.
- Not many?
Hmm, that's weird.
I don't reference money by “many,” but—
- What?
- All I can spend's 200 bucks.
- $2007?
- $200.
- So you want a used one?
- With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right. Noted.
When it comes to germs,
Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps
and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water.
- A used hot tub?
- But just the mention of a man-made place...
with clean, animal-free water
is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it.
Blisters, skin rashes or hepatitis.
[Si]
Overcome by bacteria.
[ Laughter ]
Ha!
He calls himself a purist, but everyone else
just calls him a germophobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Man wants a hot tub.
- [ Si] Hey, and I know where he can find one.
- At Squirrel's.
- That's actually not a bad idea...
‘cause all he has is crap, so—
We gonna get a hot tub with speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers
too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life,
Godwin, but I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- [ Si] All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
And I might find me something I wanna buy
down there at Squirrel's.
- [ Godwin ] I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- [ Jase ] Or hepatitis.
[ Willie ]
Jase!
[ Godwin I
I want a hot tub.
[ Jase ] A buddy of mine
got his hair clogged in the drain.
- [ Godwin ] I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair?
[ Imitates Sucking ]
I'll stay away from the drain.
Hello, Clarice. I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there?
- Si!
- Come on back.
- Cut to your left.
- Si, can you even see the trailer hitch?
It's under your truck.
Look, back in Nam,
I was a air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
People don't understand.
You can say anything with hand signals.
- This means come straight back.
- Si. I can't see you.
Hey, this and that—
You know.
I can say clear for takeoff.
- Si, what does that mean?
- Left.
Hyah! Hyah!
Hey!
- Si!
- Huh?
Stand up.
Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up,
you're paying for it.
Hey—
I ain't paying for nothing.
- What?
- That's horrible directions.
You wasn't obeying
my “air traf” directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing?
- 'm trying to talk him out of doing this...
- so we don't waste a whole day.
- You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Let's get out of here.
Si, hook the trailer up.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing?
[Si]
Yeah, I got that. I got it.
All right, you boys ready to go?
- We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- [ Godwin ] With speakers.
- [ Willie ] We gonna get it.
- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
- [ Laughing ]
[ Phil ] All right, you kids
are fresh out of the subdivision.
[ Children ]
Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far
just looking around?
What have you noticed?
Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering
from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
Uh, that means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke?
- John Luke? Trees?
- Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares...
they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food. What if everything goes south,
there are no chicken nuggets...
there's no big-tall Coca-Colas and fries.
- What then?
- We would survive like 7he Walking Dead.
What?
Now look. You see that?
This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
Everything goes south—
- Like in 7he Walking Dead?
- you'll be eating good.
- Yeah, like in 7he Walking Dead.
- John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure,
we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots?
You gonna grab those trees with both hands,
and you're gonna shake ‘em.
You get on that tree.
You get on this one.
When I tell you, start shaking. You ready?
On the count of three: one, two, three.
Start shaking. Hard.
- [ Miss Kay ] Oh, man!
- [ Phil ] Not bad.
[ Miss Kay I
Oh, no! Look!
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard. It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
[ Man]
Well, check it out.
- [ Jase ] It doesn't have any speakers.
- [ Laughs ]
The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
- You don't like it.
- No, I don't like it.
- I got to have it.
- [ Willie ] All right, we'll take it.
- We got a deal?
- All right. Deal done. Pay on your way out.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- All right.
- Let's go.
[ Squirrel ] I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just put it on your bill. [ Laughs ]
[ Lil" Will ]
So what do we do next?
We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes
with a low fire under that.
- Ten minutes?
- You got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are—
- Waiting?
- Patient.
You know how bored they get
in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come to those who wait.
Patience.
It's hard for kids these days
to learn patience.
- Two things require patience.
- [ Dog Yelps I
- [ Miss Kay Giggling ] Bow-bow.
- People—
- Bow-bow! Come on! [ Kisses ]
- People—
- Bow-bow!
- [ Whining ]
They can hardly sit still,
let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
You got it?
- Yes, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
- Wait in line, wait in the—
- [ Miss Kay Squealing ]
They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore—
- Jay! Jay!
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
- have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Bow-bow!
- [ Phil ] Patience. See what I'm saying?
[ Willie ]
Godwin, where do you want it?
Put it right there.
In your front yard?
Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it
in the backyard.
Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
- I want it in the front yard.
- [ Si ] Hey, look, Godwin.
You need think about your neighbors, okay?
What's the deal?
Why do you want it up here?
They wake up, they have a light breakfast,
they come out the door—
I like to watch the cars go by.
- What are you, a dog?
- [ Barking ]
[ Si ] And then the first thing
that greets them in the morming...
a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
- Are you sure you don't want it in the back?
- No.
Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to—[ Gags I
- I want it in the front yard.
- [ Willie ] Fine. I don't care.
- All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle:
How many Duck Commander employees...
does it take to unload
one worthless hot tub?
- Push it up.
- Now up.
- Now up?
- No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision
and leadership—
We're gonna do the up-back-and-slide method.
three more to grunt
and revisit high school football injuries—
- Don't hit me in the head.
- [ Shouting ]
Hey, whoa, whoa!
- and one to be a lazy bum.
- [ Tapping Rhythm I]
- I found a ladybug.
- Or two lazy bums.
- [ Si ] Hot tub, hot tub, hot tub.
- I guess the real question is...
why does Duck Commander have
so many numskull employees?
- [ Godwin ] Don't scar it up!
- Watch out, son. This thing's heavy.
[ All Shouting ]
[ Willie ]
There went the side.
[ All Shouting ]
- Let it go, let it go!
- [ Shouting ]
- Whoo!
- [ Si] All right, good job!
Push that crap over.
Timber!
- Perfect!
- [ Si] Installed, boys.
[ Jase ] You're now the proud owner
of a disgusting hot tub.
- This board's broke.
- That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You'd better hurry up
if you're gonna get that thing ready...
- by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
- You pretty excited about it, son?
- Yes, sir. I'm starving.
Okay. Food is one of the best teaching tools
that there is.
[ Gulps ]
And that's especially true
when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are,
the better they listen to you.
- [ Dog Barking ]
- [ Phil ] What about it?
- Good.
- What about you, big boots?
Mm. Yeah. That's good.
Plus it builds a lot of character.
[ Miss Kay I
Mm-mmm.
- Tasty.
- I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
- [ Dog Barking ]
- That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it. Look, that's just one—
That's r—
This is really good actually.
- Well, let's go.
- Yes, sir.
[ Phil ]
The lesson you've learned today is what?
[ John Luke ]
Waiting. Patience.
[ Godwin ]
Going in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
[ Martin ]
Oh, this is priceless.
- [ Shouts I
- [ Laughter ]
What's wrong, old buddy?
This is cold.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, there we go.
Now.
Now there's my picture.
Hey, hey, hey!
- Godwin, how's it going in there?
- Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where-Where's the bubbles?
- Turn it on.
- [ Martin ] Fire it up, Will.
- I'm turning it on... now.
Fire in the hole.
[ Silence I
[ Beeps I
[ Beeps I
[ Beeps I
- Is this what you press?
- [ Beeping ]
Fire on the grill, Jack!
[ Beeping ]
[ Motor Starts, Bubbling ]
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah!
Ah, yeah!
In all the years I've known Godwin,
I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
Get in this.
Y'all don't wanna get in here?
- Godwin, stop it.
- He's happier than a pig in mud.
John, you've got crap all over your chest.
- Yeah. It could be a Squirrel turd.
- Oh, this is great.
Which is actually a fitting comparison...
when you consider how disgusting
that water probably is.
- Y'all don't know what you're missing.
- I's kinda loud, isn't it?
What?
- Y'all gonna want some of this. Come on.
- No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo!
[ Motor, Bubbling Stop ]
[ Beeping ]
- What happened to my bubbles?
-[ Si] It bubbled out.
- Well, John, for one second-
- [ Bubbles I
- Oh, chili dog.
- [ Groaning ]
- That hurt him there.
- Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
- Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
- I appreciate y'all.
- Have fun, sir.
[ Jase ]
Stay away from that drain.
- [ Motor Starts, Bubbling ]
- Hey, it's working again. Y'all come back.
♪ 1 got my hot tub,
I got my hot tub ♪
♪ And you don't ♪
[ Phil ]
Father, thank you for the fried chicken...
they mayhaw jelly
that you raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus,
so it's through him I ask this prayer. Amen.
[ All']
Amen.
[ Willie ] Sometimes doing a favor
for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times it means you'll be spending
all day at a stinking junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose
how you help somebody.
You just help ‘em
‘cause they been there fo help you.
And in the end, if you can put a smile
on a buddys face...
it's worth all the trouble.
Plus it means I'm off the hook
for favors for a while.
[ Phil ]
Godwin, you're glowing.
[ John Luke ]
Like in The Walking Dead?
[ Phil ]
Pipe down, will you?