Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 2 - So You Think You Can Date? - full transcript

[ Reel Buzzing, Clicking ]

[ Si] Baby, if you like it,
you coulda put aring on it ♪

[ Willie ] Come on, let's get outta here.
It was a good run.

[ Phil ] When the singing started,
the fish dried up.

[ Willie ]
Mm-hmm.

[ Si] Hey, y'all don't understand
that they're drawn to harmony.

And it may take ‘'em a few minutes to get
here, but they was on their way. Trust me.

You wonder why fishing holes die?

♪ You dropped a bomb on me, baby ♪

That's it.

[ Phil ] We were doing pretty good
till that singing started.



[Si]
No.

When Si opens his mouth,
the fish close theirs.

- Si, you ran 'em off.
- Hey, no.

Too much singing
and not enough pole jerkin'.

If the fish were vampires, Si would be
garlic, daylight and a stake through the heart.

Simultaneously.

All right, boys. Poker tonight.
Who's in?

-I'min.
-I'min.

- I'll play.
- Well, I'm out.

- What?
- What?

- Say what?
- What?

- You're joking, right?
- No. I got— I got some stuff I gotta do tonight.

- Say what?
- What?

I got stuff to do.
It's not that big of a deal.



Are you gonna tell us,
or are you just gonna stand there?

Martin.

Well, I may or may not have
a date tonight, so—

- [ Groaning, Laughter ]
- Are you kidding?

- What's so funny?
- You have a date?

I have a date.

- Is it Mother's Day?
- No, it's not Mother's Day.

I've known Martin for 10 years...

and in that time he's gone on as many dates
as I've gone to ballroom dance classes.

The way he's always ribbing us,
he ain't got no woman.

Which is one.

Korie got one of those group coupon deals
or something.

There was not a refund and we had to go,
but the point is Martin doesn't go on dates.

- You've seen her in person.
- Yes.

- Is she a United States citizen?
- Did you get her on a mail order?

That was my next question.

You want to know
her Social Security number too?

Don't you get it?
A fine chick or poker? Duh.

[ Phil ]
♪ All you need is love ♪

See? Now you got Phil singing.

Hey, man—
♪ If you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it ♪

[Man ]
♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and slavin'
your whole life away JJ,

[ Duck Quacking ]

[ Jep ] Now, Martin, you never tried
one of them Internet dating sites?

I hear there's some pretty fine women
on them things.

Why would I do that?
I've got a date.

Are you talking about going to a computer
to find a woman?

- You gotta play the game, Si.
- Play the game?

I was a player before they even invented
the game, Jack.

Look, when I was growing up,
I dated every girl in our town.

And I didn't need
no computer to do it, okay?

I dated a girl from the grocery store,
I dated a girl from the gun shop...

from the gas station,
from bait and tackle shop.

- Well, how did you meet 'em though?
- What do you mean how did I meet ‘'em?

These were live girls, okay?
That I met in everyday today life.

Oh, wait. I didn't date the girl
from the ice cream parlor...

because she sampled the goods too much,
if you get my drift.

I cannot believe I actually pay you guys
to sit back here and do this.

This what you do all day?

- You got it, dude.
- You're actually right.

We got bigger fish to fry.
I mean, Martin has a new young lady friend.

Can't we just drop this already?

I've known you for 10 years. This is
the first time I've heard a woman come up.

Hey, look. I told you
she was made up, okay?

I'll make up people all the time
just to get out of stuff.

Look, he's taking moves
right out of the Si Robertson playbook.

Especially when somebody call me and says,
“Hey, look we got a dinner, come do it.”

I tell 'em, “Sorry, I'm hanging out with Jep.”

But, Si, I'm not made up.
I'm real.

Jep's a real person, Si.

Hey, this was another Jep that I made up.

I been using Jep to get out of stuff
since before he was even born.

You had a good point until you threw in
somebody you knew.

- Willie Robertson.
- Who are you talking to?

We're talking to Martin about his date.

- Who is that?
- [ Laughs ] Korie.

Why don't you just take out
a ad in the newspaper. Come on, man.

Korie, let's take an ad out in the newspaper
saying Martin's got a date.

- [ All Laughing ]
- I'll pay for it.

- Sucker.
- [ Willie ] Full page.

- [ Groans I
- No. You don't have to come up here.

Fine. We'll see you in a little bit.
All right. Bye.

- Oh, come on, man.
- I couldn't help it.

Hey, you should've just told her it was Jep.
You was talking to Jep.

What?

[ Phil ]
There's a cardinal over here.

- Y'all wanna see him?
- [ Children Shrieking, Laughing ]

- Girls.
- [ Laughs ]

Y'all wanna see this woodpecker?

[ Laughing, Squealing ]

Nope.

- No!
- Well, simply put, I don't make it a habit...

of hanging out with squealing grandkids.

- I scored.
- I scored.

- I scored.
- Hey.

- I scored.
- It's just something you actually try to avoid.

- [ Squeals I
- Hey.

- [ Howls ]
- However, if the granddaughters...

are in the house—

- Play a game.
- Get off that Wii-pod.

- Okay.
- The least I can do is try...

to get 'em a little more into wildlife.

- Y'all wanna look at the woodpecker?
- No.

- Blue jay?
- No.

- Are y'all nuts?
- No.

and I'm like—

- We need a big fire.
- No.

- Justin Bieber's in the yard.
- Boo.

Sad day for America.
[ Whistles ]

Aren't they precious?
Look at 'em.

- [ Shouting ]
- High score!

- [ Miss Kay ] Just look at ‘em.
- [ Grunts ]

- Mm.
- You're precious.

“Precious” was not quite the word
I was looking for.

- I want a snack!
- Me too!

Okay. I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.

Miss Kay, never reward bad-—

Looky here.
Looky here what Ma-maw Kay brought.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yall are like snack-eating computer freaks.

- [ Giggles ]
- [ Chuckles ]

You know what we need to do
with this bunch?

- Let's just all go outside.
- [ Girl ] No.

Great idea.
Pa-paw Phil wants to take you girls outside.

- No.
- No.

All right, girls.
Hey, look here. Get your girls up.

Come on. Follow me.
I'll make redneck girls outta y'all yet.

- I'm gonna tell y'all that. Hey.
- [ Girls ] No.

[ Korie ]
Hey, what's going on?

We're trying to square Martin away
in the dating game.

We've been dropping pearls of wisdom.

More like dingleberries, not pearls.

- Yeah, we're giving him solid advice.
- All you have to do is be yourself.

- [ Willie ] That's terrible advice.
- What? Be yourself?

Be yourself? He can't be himself.
That's like throwing him to the wolves.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, what are friends for, Martin?

I'm glad he's got confidence in me.

Martin is such a sweet guy.
Any girl would be lucky to have him.

Okay, so what are you gonna wear?

That is not what you're wearing.

But let's face it.
He dresses like a seventh-grader...

who hasn't yet discovered deodorant.

- I feel a remake coming here.
- [ Women ] Yeah.

-[ Si] It's a makeover, boys.
- We're going to your house.

- 'm good. I think I've had enough help for one—
- Martin.

Let's go.
Right now.

- You'd better go.
- All right, boss lady.

All right. Come on, it'll be good.

All right, Martin. I may or may not
recognize you next time I see you.

- 'm gonna go. Come on.
- I want in on this.

[Si]
They're fixed to put lipstick on a bear.

- [ Martin ] Here you go.
- [ Jase ] Ooh, yikes.

[ Martin ]
Hey, get off my fortress of solitude, man.

- What, did your mom decorate it?
- [ Jase ] Exactly.

It was a team effort.

I've always wondered
why Martin never invited any of us over.

There's nothing wrong
with his mom helping him decorate.

- Well, mystery solved.
- Y'all have never been to Martin's house?

- No.
- No.

And now I know why.

His decorating style is like a mix between
The Brady Bunch-

- [ Korie ] Kind of like a taxidermy shop in here.
- [ Missy ] Yeah.

What is that?
Is it a nose?

and that killer from Silence of the Lambs.

What's up with all these socks?

I got really caught up in a Star Wars
marathon last night. That's as far as I got.

He puts the socks in the basket
or else he gets hose.

[ Chuckles I
Pretty good, huh?

Chair's cool.
I like this chair.

- Come on, Martin. Show us your room.
- Yeah, let's go. I wanna look at Martin's room.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got this.

- We didn't wanna help anyway.
- [ Missy ] Good.

- This is not normal.
- I love this chair.

I think there's something wrong
with his feet.

A man's house is his castle.

- Maybe they're webbed.
- It's either a fungus, they're crooked, bunions.

And Martin's castle is a bit strange.

No adult male should have
this many pictures of themselves.

This is his John Belushi years.

All 'm seeing is huge piles of dirty socks
and embarrassing photographs.

[ Willie ] Martin loves him some Martin,
that's for sure.

It's a bit creepy and weird.

Good grief. Well, he sure doesn't need
to bring no girl in looking like this.

You can tell a lot about a man's condition
by looking into his fridge.

I mean, look at all this mustard.

There comes a time in every man's life—

Who buys a box of mustard?

when he's gotta put
his bachelor days to rest.

- This is just disgusting.
- This whole place is disgusting.

- “1998”?
- [ Groans I

- It's disgusting.
- Disgusting.

In Martin's case, he needs to take those
days out back and put ‘'em out of their misery.

- Green bacon bits.
- [ Gagging ]

With a shotgun.

- What are y'all doing?
- We need to have a serious talk.

- About what?
- You're hoarding mustard, and you have...

an inordinate amount of socks.

Hey, I just like socks.
What can I tell you?

- [ Together ] Ya think?
- I'm really not sure what to do here.

I wanna see your feet,
‘cause to my recollection...

- I've never seen you barefooted.
- And you're not going to.

We have entered
the bowels of bachelorhood.

Who would have
a thousand pairs of socks?

Who has a thousand packets of mustard?

Who hoards mustard and socks?

And I haven't seen the bathroom.

- I wanna see you barefooted.
- Are they webbed?

- Do you have bunions?
- That's why he's never dated.

- Do you have a fungus?
- Something wrong with your feet?

- What's up with all the mustard?
- Why you being so secretive?

Because yall just keep prying.

- What's wrong with your feet?
- I don't like feet, and I love socks.

Fair enough.

- [ Missy ] Martin, we need you to try this on.
- Oh, thank goodness.

I'm tired of dealing with you two clowns.

If that woman came in here
and saw that you collect mustard—

- Oh, it's over.
- She's gonna run to her vehicle.

[ Growls I

Now look here. When y'all get a little older
and you start to dating...

I want all y'all to be able to say one thing:
“I can bait a hook.”

Today I'm gonna make a valiant attempt
to sort of bond with my granddaughters.

I have a game on my iPad where I can fish.

They're already suffering
from digital dementia.

- Bait a hook.
- 'm gonna show 'em how to fish.

- Ew! Look at the head wiggle.
- Ew!

Does that hurt the worm?

No. Worms are happy
when you run a hook through ‘em.

- It makes him real happy.
- He's happy to die?

That probably will be
an interesting endeavor.

[ Shrieks ]
There's a snake, Pa-paw, for real!

- Right there!
- Hey, look what she caught.

[ Screams ]
You touch me with that thing...

this hook is not gonna be pretty
where it's going.

[ Phil Laughs ]

Well, you know, grandkids need to know
standard things—

how to bait a hook.

- He won't hurt you.
- You know, how to cast a bait.

- Watch this.
- [ Snaps I

- Ew!
- How to bite a little snake in half.

- I would back away.
- Basic child-rearing stuff.

- Now
you t
ol

Heh, heh.
It's good for 'em.

All right, let's get your bait in the water.
Oh, the thrill of fishing with the granddaughters.

- [ Willie ] This chair's coming with me.
- [ Jase ] I like the chair.

- This is better than my chair.
- Take the chair.

It's not a free chair.
It's Martin's chair.

- This is the best thing here.
- What do y'all have against that chair?

I don't have anything against that chair
other than it's Martin's.

- I'm gonna take this chair.
- [ Martin ] Well, what do you think?

- [ Willie 1 Great. Looks fine.
- [ Jase ] Good. Perfect.

No. That's far from perfect.
Martin—

Do I really care what Martin wears
on this date? Nope.

- I put my own spin on it.
- No. We picked none of that.

[ Korie ] Martin, go put on what we picked.
You're 0-for-1.

But I have to admit. It's kinda nice watching
the Robertson women...

order someone else around for a change.

Now get back there now, and go put on
an option that we have out for you.

- Seriously?
- Welcome to married life, Martin.

Oh, good grief.

Don't worry, son. I know what you're feeling.
They'll quit after about 18 years.

So this is what you wanted?

- [ Korie ] Ah, Martin!
- [ Missy ] Okay, now we're talking.

- You look like a software salesman.
- You gotta lose the hat.

I've done everything else.
Let me keep the hat.

- Don't make him take his hat off.
- No hat.

- No, the hat stays.
- Don't do it.

- The hat is me.
- Off with the hat.

- I really like this chair.
- Willie.

- Have you seen this hair?
- You can't wear a hat on a dinner date.

[ Jase ] Be careful what you wish for.
There you go. That's what you got.

[ Willie ] I'll loan you a bandanna.
You may wanna do-rag it though.

[ Men Exclaiming ]

Back up to the door.
Back up to the door a minute.

Now, hey, strut your stuff, son.
Let's see what you got.

- Oh, look at him.
- You know what you look like?

- What?
- You look like a hairy Easter egg.

Hey, this is what all the experts said.

The “woming” are trying to turn him
into Channing Tatum.

- The what?
- Meet magic Martin.

- The “woming”™?
-[ Si] The women.

No, you said “woming.”

Well, I may have mispronounced it
a little bit, okay?

- “Woming” are trying to—
- He just said it again.

- [ All Laughing ]
- No. Seriously, “woming.”

- Winning.
- Winning.

- Winning.
- Wom- Wim- Wimmings?

Hey, one thing you need to do,
you got to know about etiquette.

If you're out in public,
you gotta use the right utensils.

Does that include
slinging an open blade at her?

Look, back in the army, you had to have
two things— manners and maneuvers.

- And I had both of 'em.
- Si, that is not gonna matter.

Hey, women care.
Trust me.

I could the enemy out,
or I could take a beautiful lady out.

Either way, we're gonna paint the town red.

Si, what do you know about etiquette?

Hey, I know everything about “etiquit.”
Okay, hey, come get me in about five minutes.

- I'm gonna do something for you.
- [ Door Opens I

[ Martin ] I got a hundred dollars
he can't spell “etiquette.”

[ All Laughing ]

- [ Reel Buzzing I
- [ Duck Quacks ]

[ Phil ] Now y'all gotta be quiet.
You know why?

- 'Cause the fish can hear you.
- [ Bird Singing, Distant ]

- I'm already bored.
- The only thing that will break...

the tranquillity of being out
in the great outdoors—

- [ Squeals I
- is when the grandkids start squealing.

- Ooh, wrong!
- [t's a bummer.

- [ Shrieking ]
- I'm bored.

But once you get old enough, it just goes—
[ Whistles ]

in one ear and out the other.

- [ Laughs ]
- Yeah, I'm stuck.

- No effect.
- No. That's not good.

You just block it out.

- [ Girl Screams I
- Stop.

- Huh?
- If you don't, you go nuts.

- Dude, I think you got one.
- Oh, she's got one, all right.

- Start reeling, Merritt.
- I think I got one.

Hold your rod up.
Hold your rod up like this.

- Go, Merritt! Go, go, go, go, go!
- Hold your rod up. Hold your rod up.

- [ Screams I
- Go back. Move back. Move back.

- She got something!
- Merritt, you caught you a big'n there.

You got a nice one.

Well, you know, shock of shocks.

Maybe it's more Robertson in these girls
than I thought.

- Can we name him?
- Name him? You know what I suggest?

- Supper.
- No! We gotta let it go.

No? What are you talking about?
Are you nuts?

- We're goin' eat this thing.
- Well, maybe I spoke too hastily.

- No! We can't eat him.
- Why not?

- He has a brother and sister out there.
- Might already catch a few more...

of his brothers and sisters
while we're at it here, girls.

He's got brothers and sisters,
so we can't eat him.

That's where we are in America.
Ooh, we're gonna fry him. What about that?

Well, it sounds delicious to me
because I love catfish.

That's what I'm trying to get you
to understand, little honey.

Now you know why we go fishing.

Now that is fishing,
and no cell phones required.

- All right, come on, kids.
- Let's go. We done enough fishing.

[ Si] Hey, look, Martin.
Come on, your dream date awaits.

- [ Martin ] Oh, my goodness.
- [ Laughter ]

[Si]
Hello, Martin. My name is Tiffany.

Si, you are the ugliest woman
I've ever seen.

Look, hey, beauty is only skin deep anyway.

- What are you wearing, Si?
- Through the years, I've seen my Uncle Si...

dress up like women
more than I care to mention.

I'm fixin' to tell the man how too sweep
this young girl off her feet.

- By looking like that?
- Well, thank you.

I think I look very nice myself.

Which makes me wonder—

What? This old thing?
This is the latest in fashion.

- For women.
- where's he getting all these feather boas?

So you start your deal with—
You looking at her eyes...

and you say, “Darling, goodness,
your blue eyes.

They're like two lagoons
on a deserted Pacific island.”

- But her eyes are green.
- Well, say green then.

- Hell, give me a break.
- [ Laughter ]

I been around the block, as they say, okay?
And look.

I understand and know
what all the ladies like.

Your eyes. They're so beautiful
I barely can breathe.

Once you got her attention with “etiquit,”
then you gotta blow her away...

with words of enchantment.

Meanwhile, you're eating,
don't let the conversation die.

Can I have directions...
to your heart?

You're like a magician. Every time
you look at me, I'm might near hypnotized.

Somebody better call God,
because heaven is missing an angel.

- She is the queen of Egypt.
- Ouch. My tooth hurts.

It's because you're so sweet.

Women, okay?
They love to be—

- You know, good grief.
- Darling, you're on fire like doughnut grease.

Now, let's get down to it.
All right, dinner.

You ordered. The salad's there.
What do you go— Where do you grab?

- 'm gonna grab this fork right here.
- No, no.

- That's not a fork at all.
- Put it down. You grabbed the wrong one.

- Do what?
- “Etiquit,” okay? It's always the outside fork.

- Start outside, work you're way in to eat.
- I gotcha.

So how much should he talk about himself?
That's what I wanna know.

About himself?
No. He's gotta talk about Tiffany.

- Her name's Britney, Si.
- My name is Tiffany.

- I'm taking Britney.
- Hey, look, the first thing in a relationship...

is trust, and you done blew that.

Women are dangerous creatures.
They got raging hormones, mood swings...

lipstick, hair spray.

That is her name.

Look, you're with me.
My name is Tiffany.

They got all these little sticky pins
in their hair.

Last thing you wanna do is mention
another chick's name to another woman.

- Hey, you talk about dangerous.
- But her name is Britney.

- Hey, don't mention that ever!
- [ Laughter ]

One wrong move— boom!
You're gone.

Okay, hey, look.
What are you gonna do after dinner?

Well, I guess I'm just gonna take her home.

Hey, look, what kind of girl
do you think I am here?

That's when you run.
Good luck tonight, Martin.

- You're gonna need it.
- [ Laughter ]

There's two different color lines in here.

Have you ever taken grandchildren fishing?

They're like rats.
This used to have three more eyes. Look.

[ Willie ]
Maybe we should just get rid of all of 'em.

[ Miss Kay I
The grandchildren or the fishing rods?

- [ Phil ] Amen.
- [ Laughing ]

- Old Martini.
- Oh.

- [ Godwin ] What about him?
- [ Willie ] Well, there he is.

- You got a story?
- Did you take my advice?

I took none of y'all's advice.
I just— I was myself.

Okay, I think that's what I told him to do.
Martin, you did good.

And now I won't be at poker next week
either, so it'll be all right.

- [ Women Cheering I
- [ Korie ] There you go. That's right.

- So we goin' eat this lunch or what?
- [ Miss Kay ] Let's eat.

- All right, what about this?
- [ All Exclaiming I

The grandkids got one,
and I got the rest.

- [ Laughter ]
- Oh, yeah.

All right, y'all bow.

Father, thank you for another good day
on planet Earth.

Thank you for these fish
you provided for us.

Thank you for your love, your mercy.
It's through him I pray. Amen.

- [ All ] Amen.
- [ Phil ] Let's get on it.

[ Willie ] In the Robertson family,
we like to do things as a team...

and that includes giving advice.

Whether it's good strategies
for a successful date or terrible fashion tips...

all that matters is that the Robertsons
fake care of their own.

And sometimes just knowing
you've got a whole group...

of family and friends that love you
Is better than any advice you could get...

even if you do have
50,000 mustard packets in your fridge.

[ Korie ]
So, Martin, is she the one?

[ Si] ♪ If you like her,
you need to put a ring on her ♪

[ All Laughing ]