Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 1 - Till Duck Do Us Part - full transcript

[ Jep]
How about E-57?

I'll take that as a hit.

[ Raspberry ]

Boom, son!
I knew that was gonna get ya.

[ Korie ]
Seriously?

Board games have always been a staple
in the Robertson household.

I bet your favorite movie's 7itanic, isn't it?

- E-10.
- Not even close.

Nowadays, though, depending on what
we play, it can be pretty hit or miss.

G-5.

- Ah, hit.
- Boom!



- That just happened, dude.
- It's still floating. It's just on fire.

- That just happened.
- Right now I'm about to get a big hit—

- B-10.
- Miss.

- D-7.
- Miss.

- B-4.
- Miss.

- F-2.
- Miss.

-C-
- Miss.

right in Jep's mouth.

- Stupidest game ever invented.
- I would say that too if I was losing.

[ Imitates Explosion I

Miss Kay and Phil's anniversary's coming up.
Did you realize that?

- I completely forgot.
- Dude, how do you have...

all these kids with all these blanks
you've been shooting?

- Kim Jung Jep, why don't you pipe down?
- [ Laughs ] Gotcha!



Jep, what do you wanna get
your mom and dad for their anniversary?

- What would your dad like?
- A gun or a knife.

That's not an anniversary gift.
And it's a big one.

- Get a combination gun and a knife.
- Willie.

It's a big one.

- I-5.
- Shoot!

- Willie.
- He gone.

- We need to do something good.
- Do you know what anniversary it is?

A big one.

You know why you don't know what it is?
‘Cause they didn't really have a wedding.

- Yes, they did.
- No, they didn't.

- No, they didn't.
- Justice of the peace.

There was no wedding.

- D-4.
- Are you looking at my board?

We should give ‘'em a wedding.

There are some things
you only wanna do once.

- Good idea, babe.
- No, no, no, no, no. That's a terr—

- That would be so fun.
- And helping Korie plan a wedding is one.

- Trust me.
- Renew their vows.

It would be like a full-fledged wedding.

That's the worst idea
I've ever heard in my life.

- It was your idea.
- That's not what I said.

So I'm about to open up
a can of damage control.

- Phil's not gonna do it.
- We'll just have to do a surprise one.

No.

- A surprise wedding.
- That's a great idea.

Another good one, Willie.
Good job.

- It's perfect.
- That was a statement, not an idea.

It was a great idea.
I love it.

There's really only one way to convince
a Robertson man to do anything.

- Buy Phil a brisket. He'll be happy.
- We'll have brisket at the wedding.

All you've gotta do
is make him think it's his idea.

Another good idea.
Actually, there's two ways, but...

I save the other one for special occasions.

- All right, we gotta start planning.
- Make a list.

I mean, I'm telling you, close your eyes.
You'd do better.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be working and slaving
your whole life away JJ,

[ Duck Quacking ]

[ Quacking ]

[ Si] Then we jumped in my car
and headed south.

That's one of them D.E.D.'s— don't ever do.

- Headed to Mexico, baby.
- Don't go south of the border.

- [ Phone Buzzing, Chiming ]
- And look, Jase. Look.

Jase, what are you doing with your phone?

My lovely wife is determined to do
a surprise wedding for Phil and Kay.

But they're already married.

- [ Phone Buzzes, Chimes ]
- I know.

Text messaging between males
and females is not a fair fight.

Since they didn't have a “real” wedding—
She did one of these.

- You know how they'll do this?
- [ Phone Buzzes, Chimes I

It's just— [ Imitates Buzzing ]

And while you're thinking of what to say,
it's too late.

And look, she just keeps sending me
text message after text message.

- “What you think about this?”
- Bzzt.

- “What do you think about that?”
- Bzzt.

- “Look at this.”
- Bzzt.

- “Isn't this cute?”
- Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzzzzt.

-I-
- [ Phone Chimes I

- don't—
- [ Phone Chimes I

care.

- What do you want from me?
- [ Phone Chimes I

- [ Phone Buzzes I
- There she is.

Well, I hope you've got unlimited.

- I like weddings.
- Why?

Chicken dance.

[ Door Opens ]

- What about it?
- [ Phone Buzzes, Chimes I

[ Sighs ]

- Hey, why are you so sad?
- I'm not sad. I'm just trying to...

- escape for a few minutes.
- What are you escaping from?

- Yeah.
- My wife and that stinkin' wedding.

- [ Laughing ]
- I told you.

You boys are starting to sound
kind of whipped over there now.

No. We're not whipped.
We're just sayin'—

I ain't whipped.

Butter is whipped. Cream is whipped.
Horses are whipped.

[ Imitating Whip Cracking ]

- Willie ain't whipped.
- [ Si Imitating Whip Cracking ]

If anything, Korie is whipped by me.

Wait. That came out wrong.

[ All Imitating Whips Cracking ]

Chow!

- Chow.
- Godwin, what is that?

- That's my whip.
- Anyway, it's terrible.

They're like, “You get the candles.

Oh, don't forget the flowers.
You gotta bring the flowers.”

Hang on a second. Hang on.
Okay. Are yall planning?

Yep. He's getting the flowers.
I'm getting the candles.

[ Korie I We're gonna have a meeting about it.
Like, we'll explain everything.

I need your credit card though.

Yep. No problemo.

[ Korie ] Thank you. All right.
It's gonna be good.

See you in a minute.
It's gonna be awesome. Good job.

[ Imitates Whip Cracking ]

- Nailed it.
- [ Sighs ]

Chow!

[ Willie ]
His whip broke.

[ Miss Kay ] Oh, it's so pretty out here.
I love those trees.

I love the way the water is just sparkling.
Looks like diamonds, doesn't it, Phil?

You betcha.

Well, you're not even looking
at what I'm telling you to look at.

No.

I don't know how you can even fish
‘cause it's just so pretty.

All I wanna do is look at everything.

Oh, yeah.

Miss Kay loves to hang around me
at all times.

What kind of tree is this, Phil?
I'm telling you.

The only place I'm away from my woman
is when I'm in the woods.

It looks like a real fern right there.
I never saw a tree that looked like that.

But in my case, you have to go
rather deep in the woods.

You know what tomorrow is, don't you?

- [ Bird Chirps ]
- Tuesday maybe?

- No.
- Wednesday?

No. Not a day of the week.

- Presidents' Day or something.
- No.

- Maybe my birthday?
- No.

- Easter is behind us.
- It's our anniversary.

Anniversary.
[ Sighs ]

Over the years I've come to accept
that Phil's just not good about dates...

unless it's duck season,
Christmas or Easter.

That he remembers.

- How many years we been together?
- You don't even know guessin', do you?

I know it's been... a while.

Uh, maybe like 48 years.

On the bright side, I could just tell him
it's our anniversary every few months.

I actually did last year with my birthday.

He never knew the difference.
Two presents.

Miss Kay, you wanna know something?

- What?
- You are my best buddy.

[ Miss Kay I
Not one dull moment, I tell you that.

[ Phil ]
Forty-eight years. Hmm.

[ Miss Kay I] Well, quit talking about it
like you've been in prison or something.

[ Korie ] Okay, I printed all this stuff off
‘cause I was worried we'd forget something.

We haven't done a wedding in a long time.

- Ah, looky here, looky here.
- Hey, guys.

- Y'all done?
- We have got a plan.

- [ Laughs ]
- What?

- It's like y'all are playing dress-up.
- What?

There's nothing more adorable
than the girls playing office.

You're gonna be playing dress-up, buddy.

- What'd you say? I missed that.
- Uh, yeah.

Obviously, they've never handled
a multibillion-dollar acquisition.

Technically, neither have I.

But the point is C.E.O.'s don't take orders.
They give 'em.

Well, don't miss this.
We need all of y'all to help.

- We've got to really—
- Hey, look, let the C.E.O. take over.

- Here's the deal. Here's what we're gonna do.
- Hey, hey, hey, Mr. C.E.O., we got this.

- Have a seat.
- [ Chuckling ]

That was embarrassing.

- [ Imitates Whip Cracking ]
- Hyah!

Chow!

“Chaw™?

- That's my whip sound.
- [ Laughing ]

That's the worst whip sound I've ever heard.
So here's the deal.

Tomorrow everybody's gotta show up
ready to work.

Si, pay attention.

This is gonna be really important
and sentimental and romantic.

When is it?

Martin, tomorrow. It's a big one.

This seriously feels like teaching
a kindergarten class.

- [ Laughing ]
- They can't sit still-

Want some of this? Hmm?

- they're not listening—
- Hey, you coulda got my nipple with that.

they're always asking about nap time.

Well, that's just Si.
But the rest of 'em are bad too.

It's gonna be great, but we need
everybody's help, all right?

Everybody's in? Everybody?

Nod. Yes?

Thank you, Jep.
We have one person in.

We have become workhorses for a wedding
that we don't even want to take place.

And I know Dad's not gonna like it,
but Mom's gonna love it.

- Exactly.
- Will you shut up?

And now my own brother
has gone turncoat.

This is a disaster.

- We'll have your tuxes and everything there—
- You'll what?

Yeah. Your suits.

No, wait a minute. Hold.
Yall are going too far now.

- What?
- Si.

You can't put lipstick on a pig
and make her look right, okay?

Si, I'm glad you spoke up
because we need you the most.

You're like the most integral part
of this entire thing.

- [ Scoffs ]
- [ Laughter ]

Well, this is doomed.

You made Si the centerpiece of this plan?

[ Martin I
Maid of honor.

Hey, I'm glad I got my pearls.

I don't even think Si knows
what “integral” means.

Si is actually the best option we have.

If you're asking me, hey, cheese has
no business being on a turkey sandwich.

The wedding is gonna be
at Phil and Kay's house.

Si's the only one that can get Phil and Kay
out of the house.

You are the distraction.

See? Military operation.

- We have a recipe for disaster here.
- Si's gonna be fine.

Now look here. I mean it, okay?

Cheese is for, you know, rats.
And I ain't a rat.

Do not come back until 5:00, all right?

- All day long?
- [ Missy ] Yes.

- All day long.
- Si has never worked till 5:00 a day in his life.

[ Laughter ]

Something makes me nervous about this.

[Si]
All day long? Good grief.

[ Korie ] All right, Si, you're gonna call Kay,
and you're gonna say...

“I wanna do something for you tomorrow.
I wanna take you on a trip down memory lane.”

You just you gotta get them outta the house.
Whatever you do...

do not tell 'em what we're doing.
Think you can handle that?

Hey, it's a piece of cake.

Hey, look, y'all forgot?
Hey, I survived Nam, okay?

- [ Line Rings I
- [ Miss Kay ] Hey, Si.

What you need?

Hey, what do y'all got planned
for tomorrow?

[Miss Kay]
We really didn't have any plans.

One little phone call?
Hey, it's a piece of cake.

- Hey, look, we got a big surprise for you.
- [Miss Kay ] A surprise?

Hey, so long as it's chocolate.
Don't break out no vanilla.

- I love surprises.
- [ Spits I

- Got to spit on your hook. That's the secret.
- Shh! Phil, hush.

[ Miss Kay I] What are we gonna do?
It's our special day.

- [ Jase Snickers I
- What is that?

We're about five minutes into this,
and Si starts to spill the beans.

I got— I want to go out-—

And I have to admit—

Well, I'm gonna take you out.
They got a good ice cream place...

- that just opened up up here.
- [Miss Kay ] Huh?

I'm stunned that the man lasted that long.

- Phil loves ice cream.
- [ Scoffs ]

[Phil ]
Tell him I don't do ice cream parties.

What are y'all doing? I can't talk to her
and talk to yall at the same time.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Miss Kay ] Okay, what?

Hey, I've got the whole thing under control,
all right?

- [ Miss Kay ] What'd you say?
- If I hadn't have let on to Kay...

- that there might be something going on—
- [ Miss Kay ] One more time?

hey, the first thing she would've thought
was there was something going on.

- [Miss Kay ] Si, did you say something?
- Hey, I've got her right where I want her.

Just tell 'em you're gonna pick 'em up
in the morning.

- [ Whispers I Kay—
- No.

I'll pick you and Phil up in the morning.

- What'd you say?
- [ Whispering ] In your regular voice.

Hey, I'll pick y'all up in the morning.

- Okay.
- [ Whispers ] Hey, it's perfect.

[ Miss Kay ] Si, you gonna actually speak up?
I can barely hear you.

- Hey, bye.
- [ Miss Kay ] What?

- Hey, and wear a necklace.
- Si, did you say

- All right.
- [ Willie ] Oh, man. That went swimmingly.

If the ice cream thing doesn't work,
just kidnap 'em, Si.

Bring a weapon and some rope.

[ Kay ]
Are you fired up or what?

Let me get this right.
My little brother, Silas Robertson—

- Yep.
- naked up till the time he was six years old—

offered to take us somewhere
on our anniversary day?

He did.

And we're actually gonna do this?

Yeah. He said ice cream.
Won't that be fun?

- He ran naked until he was six years old.
- I know.

Supposedly, Si gonna put us
on an ice cream run, you know?

That's pretty well
you done run outta something to do.

Is that what it is, ice cream party?

- Yeah.
- Boy, I am fired up about that.

That's— That's postretirement.

That's almost
the beginning stages of dementia probably.

- It's our anniversary today.
- Yep.

Be happy, happy, happy.

Oh, I'm happy, happy, happy.
Don't doubt that.

We might oughta swing by the clinic.

- It's about time.
- Speaking of the ice cream man.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.
I almost run out of gas.

Ran out of gas.

- Hey, it takes time to fill up.
- Well, I'm glad you got gas.

Nah, I didn't get gas.

Uh, you went by B.J.'s. There's a gas
station with pumps outside, you know?

No, I didn't wanna be late,
so I went by there.

Well, that don't make sense.
Why wouldn't you stop and get gas?

‘Cause I didn't wanna be late.

But you are late.

Yeah.

What?

[Phil]
Silas Robertson.

He's the logic vacuum.

I had to drive slow because the faster
you drive, the more gas you drink.

- The faster you drive—
- When you drive fast it drinks more gas.

- [ Miss Kay ] It does?
- I'm late, I'm outta gas...

but so I won't be late, I won't get gas.

Any logic to be found—
[ Imitates Vacuum Sucking ]

he'll suck it up.

Hey, look, I'm gonna take you on a little trip.

If you're gonna be a chauffeur,
you need to gas up.

It's just like old times.
We're gonna take her rig.

- [ Laughs ]
- Y'all ready to go?

All right, look here.
Being the distracter— it ain't an easy job.

Hey, fact is, hey, it would be easier
to be decorating.

- I love surprises.
- [ Phil ] Pm sitting on the edge of my seat.

[ Si ] But hey, you've picked
the right man for the job.

Hey, I am the master distracter.

Si Robertson's grand memory tour
is fixin' to be on the road.

What's that over there?

Still got it.

This is a memory you'll never forget.

[Si]
Good night now! Hold on! Hold on!

Whoo!

[ Phil ]
Yeah, I can tell this is gonna be fun.

[ Korie ] This is beautiful.
It's gonna be perfect.

- Mm-hmm.
- We'll have the river in the background.

- A dream wedding right here.
- I think we should have like lights hanging...

in those trees right over there.

- Let's do the reception area over here.
- Okay.

You want the definition
of cruel and unusual punishment?

You wanna have that river
in the background right there.

And the sun will be setting back there.

Are y'all done with us?
Are we finished? Are y'all gonna—

[ Jase ] It's hanging out on the riverbank
while the fish are biting...

and I'm stuck setting up for a wedding
that's 50 years late.

We just wanna make sure we're on the
same page before we tell you guys what to do.

Do we need to stand here
while you're trying to figure that out?

I mean, I wouldn't call this work.
To me, this is more in line with torture.

I say dancing maybe over in this area.

- [ Korie ] Okay.
- [ Jessica ] That's a great idea.

- Okay, that will be pretty.
- Jep, is that your vision for it?

- Is that what you were thinking?
- Pretty close. Pretty close.

I've had a lot of nightmares
that started off just like this.

- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Korie ] Oh, yay! The pews are here.

- Hey!
- There's Al.

- Yay, Al's here!
- Yay!

Well, they brought in the big guns.

- Hey, Al
- What's up, bearded brethren?

- Hey.
- For whatever reason, our oldest brother Alan...

got away with never growing a beard.

I figured y'all needed a beard wrangler here
to whip these boys into shape.

- [ Imitates Whip Cracking ]
- Chow!

It may be odd to call a pastor the black
sheep of the family, but that's what he is.

- This is what your wives would like right here.
- Ah, amen.

- See what I'm saying?
- [ Missy I Mm-hmm.

Do we have to relive this
every time Al's here?

He doesn't have a beard.
We have one. What's the big deal?

The perfectly shorn black sheep
of the Robertsons.

They have to bring the pastor in.
You've done plenty of weddings, huh, Al?

This is my bang zone.
I'm loving it.

And you're here to help corral these guys
to help us.

[ Alan ] I spent my whole life corralling.
Course, you see what good it's done.

These two are still as much idiots
as they ever were.

You notice he said, “You two”?
Al, you got one that turned out all right.

If anyone's ever wondered
where Jase and I learned to torture Jep...

Alan taught us everything we know.

- You did a good job with her.
- Yep. He's the daughter they never had.

All right. Let's start unloading.
Come on.

That smooth-faced man of God
has a black belt in purple nurples.

- Willie, you gotta push it this way—
- Jep, shut up.

- On three.
- I'm getting ready.

- Three.
- You just said “three.” You didn't count.

Welcome to the main event.

Oh, help. These are heavy.

So we're thinkin' like in this area.

In this corner, weighing in at a spry...

350 pounds...

it's Willie Robertson,
“The Boss Hog.”

Oh, it takes y'all 15 minutes
to come up with a plan.

Why are you sitting down?

- [ Missy ] That's what I've been asking.
- We're waiting to hear further instructions.

Weighing in at a cool buck 45...

“The Bane of Bullfrogs”...

Jase Robertson.

- Good enough here.
- Oh! Jase, you're gonna break it.

And in the third corner, weighing in at
a combined feathery two— [ Mumbles I

the wives.

- Back up over that way.
- No. Wait.

- Y'all come over here to this side.
- You're totally wrong. Pick it up.

- Wait, wait. Hold on.
- My money's on them, folks.

Guys, they're not quite right.
You need to come fix 'em.

- I'm ready to go fishing.
- Get back over here.

I can't feel my hands.

[ Si] All right, folks.

[ Phil ] This don't look
like no ice cream joint to me.

[Si]
I know, but hey, that's the first surprise.

Here's the first stop on memory lane, okay?

Say what?

[Si]
Hey, it's a surprise trip down memory lane.

I did a little research, okay, and I actually
found the house where Phil and Kay first met.

That is not where we met.

[ Phil Chuckling ]

It's behind the gas station on highway 34.

This is Debbie Gibson's old home.
She introduced y'all two.

I've never been in front of that crack house
in my life.

But hey, look. It's just as romantic, okay?

You gotta be kidding me.
That ain't her house?

First of all,
Debbie Gibson was not her name.

Secondly, me and Miss Kay met
on the ball field, Jack.

That ain't the way I remember it.

Somebody hooked us up, but I don't think
her name was Debbie Gibson.

- That girl in high school's name was—
- Debbie Meyers.

No. Her name was Debbie Gibson.

The only Debbie Gibson I ever heard of,
she sang a record one time.

When you take a guy who's delusional
at 16 years old—

Debbie Gibson was the one
that introduced y'all to each other.

No.

throw 40 more years in there.

- I thought her name was Debbie Gibson.
- No.

- Debbie Gibson's house.
- Si—

- Debbie Gibson.
- There is no Deb—-

Debbie Gibson.

See what I'm saying?

Si, I think maybe you've taken a hard right
turn off of memory lane on this one, son.

Y'all's memory is hazy here, okay?

- [ Miss Kay ] Pah!
- Let's get back on memory lane, Si.

- Find out where we're going now.
- All right. Let's go to stop two then.

[ Phil ]
Is there going to be any ice cream?

How'd you get light duty?

‘Cause Christmas I pulled it off.
Now I'm light man the rest of my life.

I'd rather be fishing, ‘cause look. They've
been hitting ever since we've been out here.

Willie, you think the lilacs should go
in the front or in the back?

Jep, I should just slap you for saying that.

[ Korie ]
Guys.

I ain't touching them lights.
That's your job, son.

I need a volunteer.

- I can't.
- I can't. I gotta help Jase with these lights.

Never volunteer for something when you
don't know what you're walking into.

This is goin' be an all-day job.
Look at this crap.

Haven't you seen The Hunger Games?

I can do it, Korie.
What do you need?

- I need you to go to the bakery.
- This could be the worst task—

Did you say “bakery”?

I need him to go to the bakery
to pick up the cake.

I know where that's at. I'll go.
We'll go.

No. Jep can go.
You gotta get cupcakes too.

- I want cupcakes for the kids.
- I can do that.

- Just try 'em and pick the ones you like.
- I can do that. Jep can't do that.

- No. Yall have to work on lights.
- Korie, the cake is the most important thing.

That's right, so they're sending
somebody important.

- [ Korie ] Jep's got it.
- That's a two-man job.

I'm a multitasker.
You do your lights.

- Thanks, Jep.
- No problem.

- Thanks, babe.
- No problem.

Jep—

And that's how it's done, ladies.
I'ma go eat my cupcakes.

I ain't helping with those lights.

Okay, here we go.

- Here we go down memory lane.
- [ Miss Kay ] Why are we at a fireworks stand?

- [ Phil ] Where's the cream?
- You don't remember?

Yeah, I remember way back
when you made an ice cream run.

This wasn't always a fireworks stand here.

Ice cream was actually involved.

What's the fireworks got to do
with ice cream?

First stop, a dilapidated crack house.
Second stop, fireworks stand.

Let's go find us some ice cream.
I done worked up a thirst here.

Boy, you making me hungry.

This is gonna be some anniversary.
We not goin' forget this one, Miss Kay.

Yall are thinking wrong.
Memory lane, okay?

Back in the day,
there was something else here.

Not everyone's blessed
with a memory like me, okay?

- The Chicken Shack.
- Nope.

- The pizza place?
- No.

A memory is just like a organ, like your
spleen, or hey, maybe your kidney.

- What about The Chicken Shack?
- Not The Chicken Shack.

You gotta exercise it every once in a while.

- Think cold and sprinkles.
- The frosty root beer place.

It wasn't that.

Why do you think
they call it “jogging your memory”?

Hey, look. Think flavor.

The Chicken Shack?

Duh.

Hey, look here.
Friday night's over. The ball game.

We won, and she's in her good-looking
cheerleader outfit.

- Football game?
- Right, football game. Friday night.

- Circle, circle.
- Yep. Yep.

- The Homemade.
- Ding, ding, ding!

The lady is a winner!
Give her the big black gorilla!

- [ Miss Kay ] A gorilla?
- [ Si] Hey.

So what you're saying
is that we're at the fireworks stand...

that used to be the Homemade
50 years ago.

What's our next move? We got any
ice cream going with all this or what?

No.

But hey, look, it's got a sale on.
Hey, I'm gonna go in and check it out.

Fireworks. On sale, boys.

I don't think this was quite the special day
that Miss Kay was looking for.

This wasn't the location
of the Homemade anyway.

- Well, he said it was.
- No.

Where are the memories?

Hey, look here.
Hand grenades!

Si, come out of there.

Two things you never do:
Never go up and poke a grizzly bear—

All right.

or ride with Silas Robertson
to a fireworks stand.

Here you go. Set that in there.
It was on sale.

- Are you kidding me?
- Look, fireworks scream romance.

[ Screams ]

[ Jessica I
How many are we seating?

- I think eight at the most.
- Okay.

Is this just a big thing for everybody
to wipe their mouth on?

I think it's a community napkin.

Hey, I need y'all to cover for me.

- What do you mean, cover you?
- I got a nature calling.

- Tsk, tsk.
- You gotta take a leak?

No. The fish are calling my name.
I'm fixin' to go catch some.

Right now there are fish jumping
everywhere...

and I'm stuck here untangling lights.

- If that woman over there catches you—
- I'll handle that.

If I don't catch a fish soon,
I'm liable to stab myself with a salad fork.

Or possibly a dinner fork.
I really can't tell the difference.

I gotta go too.

- Where are you going?
- I gotta go too.

I'm gonna go catch those fish.

[ Jase ]
Godwin, what are you doing?

[ Godwin ]
I gotta go too.

[ Jase I We're not women.
We don't go together.

I mean, I'm gonna have to hide it
from my wife, but 'm gonna do it.

- [ Korie ] I love it.
- Thank you.

That's gonna be great. Wait.
You're not gonna leave it there, are you?

- Korie, I'm in mid-pull.
- Okay. No, no, no, no. That's way too high.

- Woo.
- Okay. Whoa, whoa. Stop. That's perfect.

- That's it?
- That's perfect. Uh, no. A little down.

A little—
A little bit down.

Hey, our arbor's here.

Our what?

- [ Korie ] Hey!
- Hey!

Mountain Man.

- Yeah, I got the arbor.
- Perfect. I can't wait to see it.

All we gotta do is kinda put it together.
I got the pieces on the truck.

- Mm-hmm.
- You haven't actually put it together?

Figured I'd get the heavy stuff done here.

We're ready.
Like we have got to move fast here.

Oh, okay.
I got this.

Mmm, mm-hmm.

- Is this a Christmas wedding?
- I-It's tonight.

This makes no sense. I get crap all day
for not decorating stuff right...

and when it comes to building something,
they call Mountain Man.

- You hired him?
- He said he could do it.

- He's obviously got a plan. Look.
- Korie—

He's been collecting stuff and everything.
He's got it.

Yeah, I know.
It's garbage. He likes it.

That'll get her there.

Mm-hmm.

I'd say three months he'll have it done.

I think I'm gonna go help him.

He's the slowest worker
in all of West Monroe.

Mountain Man, you understand
what a arbor is, right?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

That's like the centerpiece
of the entire wedding.

Arrrrborrr.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

- [ Si] Last stop on the deal.
- Well, I hope it's better than the first two.

Hey, this one's gonna blow
y'all's memories.

Si, your memory's already blown.

We made the stop
at the abandoned house—

No memories there.

Are these trees joggin' y'all's memories yet?

[ Scoffs I
Hmm.

No.

Off to the fireworks stand.

No memories there.

What are we doing?

You know, it would be nice
if you went down memory lane...

to run up on something
that you remembered.

I can't believe yall ain't remembering.

I'm like an elephant, okay?
I remember it all.

[ Imitates Elephant ]

- Y'all should be getting memories ‘bout now.
- [ Phil ] No.

- [ Si] This should be looking familiar to you.
- [ Phil ] No.

- Are these trees jogging y'all's memories yet?
- [ Phil ] No.

Especially this tree right here in particular.

It's a nice tree.

They bringing anything back to you yet?

Look, all right, we came after ice cream.
Where's the cream?

On to the next tree.

- [ Phil ] Si, you hit a home run on this one.
- [ Miss Kay Groans I

[ Reel Clicking ]

[ Willie ]
What do you think, Al?

I like the antler, but it's just kind of
the crappy way you put it up here.

- Crappy?
- Yeah.

[ Willie ]
Hiring Mountain Man to do anything is risky...

so I decided to build
a little masterpiece of my own.

Just in case.

You think the antlers should be bigger?

- Mm, I don't know, Will.
- And as usual, those with untrained eyes...

are having a hard time recognizing
my grand vision.

I've got bigger antlers.

What are you doing?
What- What is this, Willie?

It's an antler-abra.

And it's put together with zip ties.

- You can't even see the zip ties.
- Look. Zip ties. I'm seeing all of 'em.

It's from the same person
who hired Mountain Man...

to build an arbor that looks like
he's four years from making.

Looks great, Mountain Man.
You ‘bout done?

Uh, just a few more minutes
and it'll be perfect.

This looks a lot better now, doesn't it?

No. That still doesn't look good.

Whatever you think is good,
do exactly the opposite.

- We do not have time for this.
- I think it needs more bass.

- The opposite, Willie.
- More zip ties, more antlers.

Do the opposite.

Martin, how many trees
have you done already so far?

Uh, this is the first one.

- Wait. What?
- I don't have any help.

Where's Jase?

Oh, I haven't seen him in a while.

[ Gasps I]
No.

- Mm-hmm.
- Jason!

What in the world—

- [ Jase ] What are you doing?
- [ Godwin ] You on your own.

What are you doing?

- [ Godwin ] Chow!
- Babe, you look gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Never underestimate the power
of a good old-fashioned compliment.

- Nice try.
- Of course, if that doesn't work...

you need to have a good excuse
as a plan “B.”

I'm hung up. I was on my way back, but I got
a big fish on here, and he's got me hung up.

Come help us.

Plan “C"?
Bribery.

- I'll cook you up some fish.
- Come on. Right now.

It'll be great.

And then circle back to compliments.

I love you, babe.
You're amazing.

Works every time.

- [ Imitates Whip Cracking ]
- Oh, nice work, Martin.

Appreciate the lookout.

Chow!

[Si]
Well, what about these trees?

They bringing anything back to you yet?

Well, we're on the hunt for a particular tree.

Especially this tree right here in particular.

[ Phil ]
No.

The problem with the woods is
there's a lot of trees.

A whole lot.

[ Si] Let me show you
what I brought you out here to show you.

[ Miss Kay I
What is it?

I'm just ready to pick one and say, “Yeah.
I remember that old tree right there”...

to get this over with.

- [ Si] Surprise!
- [ Miss Kay ] Look, Phil.

[Si]
I can't believe it ain't hit you.

Now that— that I remember.

Kay Carroway, P.R. way back.
Good grief.

I can't believe it's still there.

[Miss Kay]
Seeing that tree just warmed my heart...

and made me go back to memory lane.

[ Miss Kay I
What is that?

That'd be yours truly.

[ Phil ]
Silas Merritt Robertson.

Ah! He took our heart
and put hisself in it.

I can't believe Si actually remembered that.

Hey, I've been with y'all from the beginning.

' Cause I don't remember him
even being there.

I guess he's just gonna be with us forever.

[ Phil ]
No.

That is romantic.

- Well, that was good.
- Yeah, it really was.

This is one place that I Aave been.

Al, that's about as girlie
as I can make this thing.

Yeah, I think you did well.

Once this is over,
I'm gonna take all this girlie crap—

Okay, okay, okay.
That's getting better.

You just gotta finish it.
You're the only one we're waiting on, so—

Uh, what about old Mountain Man?
I don't think he's—

[ Mountain Man I
Mm-hmm.

What the crap?

How's that look, Willie?

[ Willie ]
I cannot believe it.

Not only did Mountain Man finish
the arbor on time...

but it actually looks like an arbor.

You can't even see the zip ties.

Somebody helped you.
Who helped you?

It's amazing what you can do
when you think things out a little bit.

I love it, Mountain Man.

Seriously. I'm wondering how he did it.
Does anybody know?

[ Whistles ]

All right, Willie, finish up.
I gotta go get my dress on...

- and y'all two have to get changed.
- Mountain Man, get over here and help us.

Uh, okay.
I'll help you cover them zip ties.

You can't see the zip ties.

- I feel like I got a extra layer of skin on.
- Good grief.

I'm really uncomfortable.

Let me see your socks, Godwin.

- That's my dress socks.
- [ Laughing ]

Well, I got a white shirt on.

Oh, they match your shirt!
Look at that!

Well played.

Fashion has never been one of the strong
suits in the Duck Commander work force.

- Look at yall!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Good job, Al.
- They look awesome.

- Martin, yours look too—
- Snug?

And whoever let Korie rent these tuxes
all willy-nilly style made a big mistake.

Do I have a tag right there or something?
Something itches.

- Yeah. It says “Slim fit.”
- It says “Wrong size.”

Or in Martin's case, an extra small mistake.

Willie, your crotch is like at your knees.

- Uh-oh.
- Hey.

What can I say?
It's maddening buying pants.

- [ Laughing ]
- Oh, and here comes Jep. He got the cake.

- Did somebody say cake?
- Hey, babe.

- Where have you been?
- I had to get dressed.

- You look nice.
- You look like an idiot.

I'm wearing the same thing you are.

But I make it look good.
That's the difference.

- He stole that from me, babe.
- I've been saying that for 20 years.

When God was splitting up the talents
among the Robertson boys...

it's obvious that Jep got what was left—
luck.

[ Missy ]
Great job, babe. That looks great.

- [ Jase ] Don't drop it, Jep.
- Can always count on you, Jep.

That's really all he needs.
Whatever he does, he gets praise for.

- [ Jase ] Don't drop it, Jep.
- [ Willie ] Drop it. Drop it.

- [ Shouts I
- Stop.

Okay, that is gorgeous.
That is gorgeous.

Wouldn't surprise me if he got caught
with his finger in the cake...

and they compliment him
for his culinary creativity.

That's how it's done, son.

It's nauseating.

One cake delivered.

What do y'all think Dad's gonna think
about all this?

Dad's gonna pull up and say,
“Y'all go ahead.”

- Just to walk on?
- Well, somebody's gotta get him—

- Walk off and a thumb's up.
- Luckily, I'm the best man...

so I'll try to get him through it
without griping too much.

- I'm the best man.
- Why would you think you'd be the best man?

- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Maybe 'cause I'm the C.E.O.

What kind of logic is that?
You would go in the order of age.

- He's out 'cause he's officiating.
- What does age have to do with it?

- I've known Phil longer.
- I've made him more money.

I'm his favorite.

[ Willie ]
You're delusional.

- [ Jep ] Here we go, everybody.
- [ Korie ] All right, they're here.

[ Phil ]
What in the world is all this?

[ Miss Kay Shrieks ]

- [ Phil ] Whoa.
- [ Miss Kay ] Crap.

- [ Korie ] Surprise!
- [ Phil ] Where's the cream?

Oh, man!

What in the world happened to my yard?

[ Korie ]
It's a wedding.

- A wedding?
- The wedding you've never had.

- What?
- I can't believe this.

[ Korie ]
For you and Phil.

I thought she was already married.

Well, y'all never had a real wedding,
so we wanted to give you one.

Oh, trust me, it was legal
when I signed the dotted line, honey.

I got in my marriage with Miss Kay
in 15 minutes.

You boys wanna hear the exact words
of the justice of the peace...

and the reason y'all are on the earth?

You know, we got our blood tests here that
proves we don't have any venereal diseases.

We walked in, and he said—

“You got good clean blood.
Uh, you want her?”

I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Give me $15.”

[ All Laughing ]

Hey, am I worth it?

Oh, every dime.
What are you talking about?

[ Laughs ]

That's the best $15 I ever borrowed.

[ Korie ] Are you ready
to get all beautiful for your wedding?

[ Miss Kay I
I can't believe it.

I finally get to have the wedding of my dreams
and share it with my most favorite people.

[ Alan ]
Dad, you ready to do this thing?

Here's the rings,
and we're gonna exchange those.

Your best man
is going to give you the rings, so—

My best man.

You want me to take ‘'em?

I'm gonna be the best man. We just have to
go through the motions of Phil picking...

so that no one gets their feelings hurt.

Well, Al, you're the oldest.

He's officiating.
He's out.

It'll take a few minutes to let the losers
down easy before he finally settles on me.

Dad, I'm Mom's favorite,
and I think it would be important to her...

if I was the best man.

- You'd make a much better maid of honor.
- Whatever.

We all know what he's about to say.

So my best man will be...

Silas Robertson.

- [ Slurping ]
- [ Willie Laughs ] Si?

- Now there's the best man.
- Now those words...

have never been used together—
“best man” and “Si.”

- Hey, Si.
- Yeah?

[ Willie ]
Are you sure about this, Phil?

Well, we been running together
since he was naked.

[ Willie ] Thank goodness
he's not naked now.

- Nah.
- Well, Si, for your service to the country...

and because we been running together
since we were naked as jaybirds—

- Gross.
- I have selected you...

- as the best man for my wedding.
- Hey, clearly the best man won.

[ All Laughing ]

- 'Preciate that.
- Here's the rings.

Don't lose them rings
fore this thing starts.

Oh, I'm not.
Hey, I'm the lord of the rings.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Phil ] Let's get my jacket on...

- and we'll knock this thing out.
- [ Willie 1 Get the man his jacket.

[ Si] All right, don't lose the rings.
Oh, I dropped ‘em.

- 78 [ Ukulele ]
- I'm getting a little swampy in these clothes.

- Hey, you nervous?
- No.

Game wardens are the only things
make me nervous.

Look, it's okay to be nervous.
You're getting married.

- Si, I've been with her almost 50 years.
- Shh. Be quiet. We're starting.

Hey, I'm here for you, Bro.

Well, we did it. Now we're ready
for the Robertson wedding of the century.

The smell of victory is sweet, boys.

- [ Whispering ] Your husband, he stinks.
- [ Chuckles ] He does not.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

Sweet.

Where'd you get this jacket?
Stinks like B.O.

- [ Korie ] It's not the jacket.
- [ Willie ] It's the jacket.

That ain't my B.O.
That's a different flavor.

Mmm.

Shh. Here she comes.

- [ Missy ] J I love you truly ♪
- Oh!

-3 Truly ♪
- [ Willie ]1 Oh, good boy.

♪ Life with its sorrow ♪

♪ Life with its tears ♪

♪ Fated to dreams ♪

[Miss Kay]
I guess dreams really do come true.

I feel like I'm living a fairy tale.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly, dear ♪

JO [Ends]

You may be seated.

- I have a massive wedgie.
- Okay, shh.

- I should've worn underwear.
- [ Korie ]1 Oh, God.

Well, we've hauled a lot of fish up this bank.
We played baseball under these trees.

Si shot a few squirrels out of them as well.

We all got baptized
in the creek back here behind me.

And now here we are almost 50 years
after you two guys got together...

- having the wedding that you never had-
- That's right.

with four generations of Robertsons looking on.

I'd say this is the perfect spot.

- Lord of the rings?
- [ Si ] Hey, ain't no big thing.

[ Laughter ]

Wow. I don't even know where to start.

The first thing I'd say is
from the time I was 14 years old I loved you.

And we've been through some good times
and some hard times.

I loved you when we were poor
and you were not so nice.

Now you're really nice and kind.

And all I can say about that is
I'm not going anywhere.

That's good to know.

I will love you forever.

[ Sniffling, Sobs ]

[ Willie Whispering I
Jep, keep it together.

Let's see, Miss Kay. We've been running
together since we were... teenagers.

The old blue Chevrolet, Si in the back.

You have cooked me many a good meal.

From your loins
came four healthy, godly men.

You are my best friend,
and I love you dearly...

and I'm gonna be with you for the long haul
until they put me in the ground.

- Good?
- Perfect.

I'm sorry to say I didn't have that
when we first married.

Oh, it's okay.

Our marriage is living proof that love
and family can get you through anything.

If anyone has any reason why these two
cannot continue to be married, I would ask you—

Hold up a minute there, Preacher.
Let me say a few words.

- Oh, dear.
- Oh, boy.

First of all, this man chose me
as his best man, which is only right, okay?

I been with this man all his life, okay?

It's almost like we was brothers.

[ All Laughing ]

I was in the backseat when these two
right here went out on their first date.

- And he's still with us.
- Okay, but here's what I wish for y'all, okay?

I ask God to bless both of you, okay?
'Cause I love you, and I know he does.

And that y'all have a happy life together.

All right, Preacher. Marry these two
before we can go eat.

- [ Alan ] Thank you, Si.
- Good speech, Si.

So by the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you again...

husband and wife.

- Dad, you may kiss your bride.
- Yeehaw.

[Si]
And that's what I'm talking about, Jack.

[ Applauding, Cheers I

Whoo!

Let's pray.
Father, we thank you for this night...

and we thank you for the blessing
of being in this place.

Thank you for Mom and Dad
and their commitment to one another...

and all these years they've served you.

Father, we pray continued blessings
on our family. Amen.

- [All ] Amen.
- All right, folks, let's get down and party.

That's what I'm talking about.

[ Applauding, Cheering ]

[ Willie ] For a marriage fo work,
a man neeas to do anything...

and everything in his power
to keep his wife happy.

For the Robertson boys, that means
spending all day long decorating a yard...

for a surprise wedding
that's half a century late.

For Phil it means
begrudgingly going along...

with your family's bonehead ideas
for your anniversary.

But looking at Kay, I guess it isn't
such a bonehead idea after all.

And as far as everyone is concernea,
it was all mine.

[ Miss Kay ] Are you gonna carry me
over the threshold?

- [ Phil ] That's right, honey.
- [ Miss Kay Laughs I