Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 13 - I'm Dreaming of a Redneck Christmas - full transcript

This is a lot
harder than it looks.

Either that or I'm a lot
dumber than I thought.

- Well...
- Don't go there, Jep.

( Korie)
I love decorating the warehouse
for Christmas

because it puts
everybody in a good mood

and in a Christmas spirit.

Batter up.

- Hey-uh!
- Hammered him.

And when everybody's happy,
everybody works harder.

I'm not gonna work.

What ?



What y'all need is to put
the star on top of the tree.

-You think, Si ?
- Yeah, that'll make it
look a lot better.

I don't really have
climbing shoes on.

-Oh!
- Easy, hey.

You can do anything
you put your mind to.

Oh!

Good work, Martin—
hey.

“Badow.”

Oh yeah, boo-yah'!

- (Korie') Good job.
- ( Missy) Good job.

♪ Don-don-don-da

What are y'all doing ?

- We're getting in the Christmas
spirit here, son.
- Huh.

You have to admit,
it looks good.



It looks like
a..

A waste of time.

Missy, I’ll make y'all a sign
that lights up that says,

- “Mr. Scrooge Lives Here.”
- Huh.

(Si)
Talk about bah humbug.

Why don't you just kick
Tiny Tim's cast out

from under him,
and by the way,

hey, while you're at it,

go ahead and punch Santa in
the “solar plex.”

Si, you're not getting
what I'm saying.

I love Christmas.

(Jase)
I don't care
if you put up lights.

You want to put up lights,

celebrate electricity,
great.

I don't like lights,

decorations
and imaginary characters.

I’m into the true meaning
of Christmas.

Faith, family
and facial hair.

Basically, you're saying you
don't want to do any extra work.

You won't admit
that you're lazy.

- It has nothing to do with lazy.
- I admit I'm lazy.

I just think it's
frivolous.

Okay, boys.

Hey, you Grinch.

Another imaginary
character.

What are you
talking about ?

Huh.

Oh.

Have you been eating
that mistletoe ?

No.

You're weird.

Ho-ho-ho.

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY ♪

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪

♪

( Miss Kay)
You know what ?

We always decorate
the stockings every year

so we'll know who's here
with us at Christmastime.

Did you know that ?

My hand hurts
so bad I’m gonna die.

Well, that's nice.

That's really good.

( Miss Kay)
Christmas is my
favorite time of year.

My grandmother always said to
milk it for all its worth.

What did you get
last Christmas ?

She also said you need to
milk dairy cows

50 their
udders are flaccid.

Whoa, there's
a man who's scary.

Yo!

(Phil)
Well, it's getting
Christmastime

and Miss Kay is in
full decorating mode.

You sure you have enough
decorations, Miss Kay ?

I mean...

I don't know,
I could put some more up.

Simply put,
it is not a place for a male

to be anywhere
near that.

I don't like
empty spaces.

Hey, it's Christmastime,
go for it.

Hey, a little tacky, tacky,
tacky for me, but, hey...

I feel a lot better about
Christmas now.

Whatever fires
your panties up.

What do y'all think
about the pig ?

(girl)
It looks good.

I can see the eyeball.

( Miss Kay)
My Christmas dishes
are the rage.

And every year, I make 'em
bigger and bigger and better.

Last year, I made squirrel
and dumplings,

but this year I'm
making a “porducken.”

We're gonna cook all this,

they're all gonna fit
inside each other.

I can barely contain
my excitement.

You have the pig,
inside the pig is the turkey.

Mmm.

Inside the turkey
is the chicken.

Yeah.

Inside the chicken
is the duck.

Mmm.

How about that
for cooking ?

I want to touch
the inside of the pig.

- It smells horrible.
-Y'all are gonna love it.

(Phil)
It's not a real pleasant
experience for

the duck or the chicken
or the turkey or the pig,

but it makes for
a fine Christmas feast.

Christmastime.

Now, let's face it, the woman
deserves the Nobel Feast Prize.

No doubt about it.

Hey, the grocery man.

All right,
here you go.

Eggnog, chicken.

Christmas joy
for everyone.

Well, you like
my decorations ?

I see about two foot
of open wall

you could
put something on.

Yeah, I think I've got
a bow that could fit there.

Kay, I don't think you need
any more decorations.

Except for about 12 more
of these dancing Santas.

Remember we used to have
these when we were kids ?

And we danced.

Oh! Dashing through the snow

♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh...

(Phil)
Well, the way it works
around our house

is when Willie's
all face-painted up,

we're going after
them ducks.

He's my son then.

I like your
moves.

It makes me
want to shake.

But, you know, when he starts
one of them little

Santa Claus
dances, you know...

...that's when he turns into
Miss Kay's son.

I think I blew
my knee out on that one.

That's your boy.

(Missy)
His nose is still crooked.

- What's up with the nose ?
-It's all about the nose.

(Si)
You know why his nose
got broke, don't you ?

- He talked back to Santa.
- No—

Yeah, they was arguing
and Santa sucker-punched him.

Right in the nose.

(Jep)
Lookee here.

( Korie)
Hey, babe.

♪ Don-don-don-da

- What do you think ?
- Christmas cheer.

- Yeah.
- Being hung by two angels.

- Aww.
- Thank you.

Have you talked to
Jase about tomorrow ?

- What's tomorrow ?
-I'm going deer hunting.

-Huh?

No.

Willie, Santa Claus
for the kids at the church.

Every year, Korie volunteers me
to be Santa Claus

and pass out gifts to
the local kids at church.

- Totally forgot.
- Willie.

(Willie )
For seven years straight, I have
gotten out of doing this task

with the old,

“I’m too busy at work
and I've got Christmas orders.”

Willie's Santa
and you're the elf.

(laughing )

(Willie)
Well, this year, that sleigh

has crashed to the ground
and burned.

And killed
all the reindeer.

You gotta be
the elf tomorrow.

Let me think about this
for a second.

No.

This is not about you,
it's about the kids.

I’m not dressing up like
a creepy elf.

Let me put this
in Spanish for you.

No.

Well, that kills the whole
meaning of Christmas...

for these children,

who want to
see Santa and an elf.

Well, go find you
someone small and weird.

(Si)
Hey, I'll do it.

(Si)
Elves are cool, man.

You know, a pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow

goes with elves.

Si, thank you
but no thanks.

- Actually, you creep out all children.
- No.

Hey, kids love Uncle Si.

It's okay to be creepy
if you're a little older.

- Hey.
- It's a bad idea.

He wants to do it,
let him do it.

- He's got to work.
- Si hasn't worked in two years.

He's got
a point there.

-That's a good point.
- He does have a point.

Si, will you
bring the presents

- and pass 'em out to the kids tomorrow ?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

-You'll do it?
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy.

- All right, Si's in.
- Here we go.

♪ Don-don-don-da

Meet me at the church
in the morning,

the rest of you guys get
back to work, all right ?

- Okay.
- Christmas here is over.

(Missy)
I think we're good.

Yeah, it looks good.

Hey, where y'all going ?

({ Korie)
I can't wait to see Si
in those stockings.

Uh-oh...
here we go.

Uh-oh!

Hey, look out!

- I’m okay.
- (bulb shattering )

Uh-oh.

( Miss Kay)
Well, I think it's my
best decorations yet.

What do you think,
Phil ?

Yeah.

Well, look,
you're not even looking.

I’m looking for this
doggone thorn.

Look, see,
we still got your duck here

and your duck there.

We're not losing
the ducks.

Where is that sucker ?

They're just blended right in
with the rest of the stuff.

-You like that ?
- I see it.

And see, there's
the Santa with the deer.

I love it, don't you ?

I got that sucker—
whoo.

(Phil)
Well, Miss Kay's always
one-upped herself

and that's been going on
for about 50 years

when it comes to
Christmastime.

Oh!

There went the barn.

(sheep bleating )

It just keeps
getting bigger.

So... good night.

If we on the earth another
25 years... whoo.

( Door opening )

Hey.

Ooh, it's looking...

Merry Christmas.

Christmassy in here.

All right, what are you
boys after today ?

Well...

we're gonna do
a little meat hunting.

Meat run.

(Jase)
One of the family traditions
during Christmas

is we hunt.

Y'all need to get me
some more squirrels.

I got some yesterday,

but it ain't enough to
feed all y'all.

Squirrels are
definitely on the list.

And we shoot anything edible
that we see.

That's what I like
about this time of year.

This is what
Christmas is about.

Hey, I like it.

Why don't you
just come with us ?

Yeah, that can be
arranged, Jase.

No.

You promised you'd go get
the Christmas tree, remember ?

I had forgotten that.

That knocks me out,
y'all on your own.

No, not really.

I really need them to
hang the lights outside.

Hee-hee.

No, we're going
hunting.

Now, this
has been planned.

- I'll help you, Mama.
-What ?

Jep, you're' such
a weenie.

You should be more
of a good son like me.

Teacher's pet.

What about
a sweet potato pie ?

I'm always in on
sweet potato pie.

Good grief.

The problem here
is that my mom

knows the power

of her sweet potato pie

and she's turned my helpers
into Santa's helpers.

What just happened
here ?

Christmas spirit.

The Christmastime.

Charlatans.

You in, you in,
you in?

You got it, Miss Kay,
I’m in.

Y'all are so
pathetic.

They love
sweet potato pie.

He's a sweet potato pie man
right here.

Why does it
have to be today ?

Because the party's
tonight ?

Don't you
remember anything ?

- I remembered.
-What ?

See?

He didn't remember,
he's just saying that.

You always have
been smart.

Who's a weenie now ?

Phil, put your boots on,
let's go.

Hey.

What happened here ?

Never underestimate the power of
her sweet potato pie.

That's true.

I’m doing it for
the sweet potato pie.

That's a shocker.

- Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Aw.

You look so cute.

- Good job.
- Mm-hmm.

- Now where's Si ?
- He's coming.

He had to go by the warehouse,
get the stuff.

- Si's getting the stuff ?
- The gifts for the kids.

Willie, you were
supposed to get the stuff.

- Santa doesn't get the gifts.
- Oh, God.

- The elves do that.
- Oh, my goodness.

The best part of being
Santa or a CEO

is that you have minions
to do all the grunt work.

There's my little helper.

Look at him with
a bag of goodies.

Being a lovable
childhood icon ?

Santa job.

You looking
good there, son.

-You got all the stuff ?
- Yeah.

Lugging a bag of crap from
the warehouse— elf job.

- What ?

That's a trash bag.

-Y'all didn't get a Santa bag ?
- Hey, he just said grab something.

Hey, if you want
something done right.

It looks like trash.

- Hey, it's a bag.
- Oh, God.

Hey, don't ask me.

Just as long as you brought
gifts, that's good.

You gotta go put
this costume on, okay ?

- Elf ears, shoes, like, hat.
- Wait a minute, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

It's gonna look great.

-You're gonna be so cute.
- No, no, hey.

You and Willie didn't say
nothing about no costume

when y'all said this.

Hey, look here,
last time I wore a costume,

it was a sheepskin

and I was doing recon in
a rice paddy in Da Nang.

- Look how cute these ears are.
- Cute is for girls.

-Si...
- I'll give you $100.

I ain't wearing 'em.

In other words, hey,
it better be a special occasion

for me to put on anything that
I didn't choose to wear.

- I'll wear the shoes.
- And the hat.

- And maybe the hat.
- And the hat.

- And maybe the hat.
- All right.

(laughing )

- They look good.
- All right, come on.

Let's go,
we gotta hurry.

Hey, look here, I'm only
doing this for the kids.

Or I wouldn't be here.

Si, do not
scare the kids.

Hey, I'm gonna put the fear
of God in'em.

Oh my gosh.

(quacking)

(Jep)
Phil needs to
clean out his gutters.

- ( Martin) Come on, man.
- Hey.

Hey, I'm down here,
you moron.

It's snowing.

It's snowing, Martin.

That's all right, y'all got
to come down at some point.

Makes you wonder
how we got roped into this.

I don't know.

As much as I didn't want to
dress up like an elf...

I wonder how many people
have injured themselves

doing this ?

(Jase)
... Mrs. Claus, AKA my mom,

has gotten me risking my life.

Whoa.

And for what ?

A bunch of pies ?

You talk about
slippery.

What can I say ?

Sweet potato pies ?

They're inspirational.

There's 25 miles of
lights in here.

No, it's 28.

Were y'all gonna play with
them lights or get 'em out ?

-Ya!
- (bulbs shattering )

- Godwin, what are you doing ?
-I'm gonna throw "em up there.

Huh?

You gotta ball 'em up
to throw "em up there.

Then why are we
untangling 'em ?

- Well...
-Y'all, I don't know.

That was dumb.

You should have just threw "em
up here altogether.

-Y'all ready ?
- Nope.

Ya!

Godwin.

Every time you do that,
they break.

I said,
“Are y'all ready ?”

Quit throwing
the big bulbs up here.

The saying goes that a person
can be a brick shy of a load.

-You ready ?
- Hey!
- No'!

Good—

Godwin, have you
lost your mind ?

In Godwin's case,
he's a load shy of a brick.

Godwin, put 'em down.

You're bustin” all
my lights.

Y'all can't catch.

I think it's basically
Godwin just can't throw.

I'm making a good throw,
you're not catching 'em.

(Jase)
Hey, babe.

I thought you were supposed
to be going hunting.

I got three words.

Sweet potato pies.

( Martin)
Amen.

Okay, we're gonna go in
and start cooking.

- (Jessica) Good luck, boys.
- All right.

- I'll throw you some more up there.
- Look out.

(bulbs shattering )

Thanks for that.

( Miss Kay)
Whoo!

Don't you dare
knock me out of here.

This is every day
to you.

I'm usually hunting something
rather than Christmas trees.

(Phil)
Every year, Miss Kay
and I go on a jaunt

to go get the Christmas tree,
you know ?

Oh, my goodness.

This is fun.

I’m the kind of guy that loves
to be out in nature.

Oh, good gravy!

I've got mud
all over my coat.

Nothing but a light breeze
going through the trees.

Oh, I had a whiff
of something not good.

I don't know what
that was.

And the birds chirping.

What are those
black berries back there ?

Is that holly berries ?

You know everything that
grows out here.

Is that goat's weed ?

I love the peace
and tranquility of it all.

Oh, poo-poo!

You and your woman hunting
a Christmas tree.

Why does it smell kind of
like sewage

or something
going through here ?

Did your family ever have
poinsettias at Christmas ?

Mama used to send us
after mistletoe.

Will you kiss me
under the mistletoe ?

I'll do more than that
under the mistletoe.

(yelping)

( Korie)
Here he comes.

Oh ho-ho-ho-ho!

How're we doing,
little kids ?

(Willie )
It's just your typical
Christmas scene.

There's nothing suspect about
this situation.

(Willie )
Who's ready for Christmas ?

(all)
Me!

Unless you notice
the creepy,

geriatric, angry elf.

Oh, Si.

You know what—
oh, gosh.

They don't package 'em
like they used to.

Careful with
the presents.

Okay, does anybody have
any questions for Santa ?

You do ?
All right.

How much time did it
take to get here

from the North Pole ?

Oh, well...

that was a long trip
from the North Pole.

Oh, no, it was okay 'til
we lost the reindeer.

One of 'em had a heart attack
from pulling that heavy sled.

—Oh Si.

But that's okay,
we ate on him for three days.

Elf.

I’m just telling "'em
the truth.

Very nice.

Bringing Si along to help is
like playing Russian roulette.

Why are you
wearing camo ?

Hey, pipe down, kid.

I thought elves are
supposed to be little.

We got elves that are
ten-foot tall.

And bulletproof.

Most of the time,
it's okay.

- Hey, kid, get away from that...
- (Korie) Oh, okay.

But when it's not...

- (crying)
- Elf, you ain't gotta yell at the kids.

Boy, you better duck.

All right, come on, everybody
get in line right here.

We're gonna go
one at a time, okay ?

Hey, kid,
get back of the line.

Don't be cutting
in the line.

He's a grumpy elf.

Hey, it's been along trip
from the North Pole.

It was cold.

Hey, look,
if I’m gonna be an elf,

hey, I'm gonna be the realest
elf these kids ever seen.

-What do you want for Christmas ?
- An art Kit.

You gonna be an artist ?

Hey, there ain't
no money in that.

-Si!
- Hey, I'm just telling the lady.

She's gonna find out sooner
or later, Santa.

These kids need to
get a dose of reality.

Quit treating "em
like children.

You're supposed to be
spreading joy,

not killing their dreams.

Hey, look here,
my parents told me the truth.

Look how good I turned out.

It's a lot of fun
blowing up stuff.

(chuckling )

All right, what do you
want for Christmas ?

- A horse.
- A horse ?

A horse
is a lot of work.

She don't need a horse.

She wants a horse,
she can have a—

the thought of
having a horse.

Si has somehow managed to turn
a lovable Christmas character...

You'll never make it
in the NBA, kid.

...into something
out of a horror film.

(laughing )

Get back in line, kid.

I think we've ruined Christmas
for these kids.

And we've only
been here five minutes.

Okay, who's ready
for presents ?

(all)
Me!

(Si)
You wanna go on
the naughty list ?

(Willie)
You're so creepy.

(Jase)
Yep, this is actually
looking pretty good.

(Jep)
It really is.

- Godwin!
- Hey.

Give me an extension cord,

I'm gonna plug it in
and I’m gonna see

what's working
and what's not working.

- Here you go.
- Throw it careful now, he'll drop it.

I told you he'd drop it.

Plug it in.

There ain't no plug
down here.

-There's no plug ?
- No.

Redneck rule number one:

Most things can be fixed

with extension cords
and duct tape.

No, the plug's
over here.

We need another
extension cord.

I don't have another
extension cord.

You can't panic in
the face of adversity.

( Godwin)
Give me some slack.

No, that's not gonna work.

We don't have enough slack.

Because when God closes
a door...

he sometimes open a window.

What do you think ?

Godwin,
what are you doing ?

I gotta put this plug through
the window

so we can plug it in.

-You're plugging it into
the house from out here ?
- Yeah.

We don't have
an outlet down here.

Babe.

It's either put that one
little cord in the window...

- Babe.
-... that nobody's gonna notice.

Babe.

Or it's redo
the whole light setup.

Don't leave it
like that, please.

All right.

The power of women at
Christmastime,

it's the ultimate opponent.

Babe.

There's no sense
even fighting it.

No extension cord
on the side of the house.

We gotta turn this
thing around.

(Missy)
All right, we're
gonna leave y'all to it.

Good job.

Oh, it's gonna
take all night.

We should have
went hunting.

All right, Miss Kay,
let's get you a tree.

Okay.

What about those
right there ?

Well, they're
a little bit thin.

What about that one ?

It looks more like
a Charlie Brown tree

with all the blank
spaces there.

When I’m looking for
a Christmas tree,

it's just
gotta be perfect.

It's gotta be
the right, uh...

height.

This one's not
even over here.

It's gotta have
the right fullness.

- What about that one ?
- It's just too much—

I mean, you know,
like...

That one.

Huh?

I just like that look.

Let's look at
something else.

(Phil)
These women, they're funny.

Funny about their trees.

- What about that one over here ?
- No.

- What about this ?
- No.

Say what ?

- What about—
- No.

- What about—
- No.

No.

Let me get over there,
where I can see it.

(Phil)
Well, after 50 years
with the same woman,

you get used to hearing
the word...

No.

You know ?

You wanna keep looking ?

Hey, as long as she's happy,
I’m happy.

I think we need to go to
the Christmas tree farm.

- And buy one ?
- Yeah.

Buy one.

(Phil)
Well, I'm not one to buy
something I can find

out in the wild.

- Oh, crud.
- (chuckling )

However, if it
makes Miss Kay say “yes,”

break out the wallet and go buy
the yuppie tree.

Aw, we'll get you
a tree.

Whoa!

All right, Miss Kay,
here we go.

When all else fails
these days, we just buy.

That's right.

(Willie)
All right, let's get
some presents.

Well, lookee here!

A duck call!

There we go.

Hey, merry Christmas,
kid.

Merry Christmas.

Si, that was an
expensive duck call.

Why did you bring
that one ?

(Si)
Hey, I just
grabbed duck calls.

({ Korie)
All right, you ready for
a present ?

- You ready for a present ?
- Hey!

Oh, great!

A book.

-You like books ?
-You like to read ?

Okay, good.

I don't think
he can read, Santa.

Go read your book.

That's about
a $20 value.

If elves are measured on the
quality of toys they make...

Hey, that's
a magic marker there.

...then I have
the biggest dud of all.

Okay, I know
what you want !

She wants a tape gun.

Look, you told me to grab
stuff from the warehouse.

“Stuff” is a broad term.

Hey, look here,
I gotta work with what I got.

- You ready for a present ?
- Yes.

All right.

It's called...

How about a sleeve
of coffee cups ?

- You drink coffee ?
- Tell you what.

That's the gift that keeps
on giving right there, man.

That's it.

I asked for a Santa sack and Si
brings the entire

office supply room
from Duck Commander.

(Si)
That is a toy.

I don"t know what it is,
but it's a toy.

That's Linda's.

You took it off
her desk ?

I know Christmas is about
generosity and all,

but right now, Si is giving
away more than he's worth.

Willie, that's why
I told you to get the stuff.

I told him to get it.

You told me,
“Get stuff from the warehouse.”

I got stuff.

Stuff kids
will like.

- Not printer cartridges.
- Hey, what can I tell you ?

Look, it ain't my fault.

I’m an elf,
I ain't a mind reader.

How about a dustpan ?

That way you can go home
and clean up.

Oh, you don't want it ?

Got a hard crowd here.

What were you thinking ?

- A robot toy ?
- A robot toy ?

Shoot, you know what ?

Kid, you may go home
with nothing.

All right, look here.

These kids today,
they're spoiled rotten.

I’m talking to you.

All right, let's let
Santa do the talking.

You just gotta take stuff
as it is

and then you turn it
into what you want it to be.

Here, kid, here's your
ball of string.

Have a blast.

When I was a kid, I once
got handed-down underwear

and a paper clip.

Great gift.

Maybe your robot will come
at Christmas, okay ?

- A ball of string ?
- Hey.

You're welcome, kid.

All right, there's—

Yeah, there's really not
much left in there.

Here.

Now, I got you
something really special.

How about a good old
$20 bill ?

Good deal.

Ho-ho-ho.

It's your fault,
you idiot.

(Willie )
I think we found a surefire way
to ruin Christmas

for these kids.

First, we let Si
in the building.

Second, we let him
answer questions,

which I had no choice
in that.

Third, we let him bring gifts.

Hey, that's the magic of
Christmas, man.

Everybody's happy.

Yep, pretty much Christmas
ruined.

( Korie)
All right, bye, Santa!

Y'all wave bye to Santa!

(all)
Bye, Santa!

And his elf!

Ho-ho-ho.

(Phil)
Miss Kay, you got
plenty of choices.

You find something that just
sets your pants on fire,

and let me know.

Is this the most fun you've
ever had in your life ?

I’m jumping
up and down here.

(Phil)
I've never been to
a Christmas tree farm.

Christmas trees as far as
the eye can see.

They're in rows
and they just go outta sight.

Hey, what about
this one ?

Isn't this pretty ?

My woman has found
happiness at last.

They all look like
the same thing to me.

Well, that's too short.

Get over here.

Is that eight foot ?

That's pretty close.

I want it
exactly eight foot.

This would be beautiful in
my house, wouldn't it ?

( Miss Kay)
I've never seen so many
Christmas trees

and at first,
they all look perfect.

Look, this was in there
like a dead thing.

But then
the more I looked at 'em...

( Miss Kay)
Oh, look right here.

It's got a crooked limb.

It won't do.

They've got some problems.

Now that is eight foot.

Boy, I like that one,
I really do.

(Phil)
Good night of living,
she likes it, she says.

Is that the one ?

It looks really good.

Let me just think about it
just a minute.

Oh, yeah.

You still thinking ?

Yeah, I'm thinking
on this side now.

Hmm.

She's still thinking.

-Yep.
- Really ?

- I think this is the one.
- Oh, my goodness.

We have found her.

So after looking for what seemed
like weeks...

Rock and roll.

...we finally
found the tree.

Bingo.

That was fast.

(Phil)
Hallelujah.

A Christmas miracle.

Deck the halls
with boughs of holly,

"cause I’m coming through
with a Christmas tree.

(Jase)
This is gonna be
the greatest redneck roof

in the neighborhood.

We'll see.

(bulbs shattering )

Oh, dude!

I hope they're not
one-light wonders.

All the lights have been
turned around,

per Missy's request.

All right, Jep,
hit me with it.

It only took
a couple hours.

Who's keeping track ?

(Jep)
This better work.

Voila.

We should have gone
deer hunting, boys.

Ain't that the truth.

(horn honking )

(bulbs shattering )

(all)
Oh!

Boy.

(Willie)
That was a disaster.

(Jase)
Let me get a better
look at this.

(Jase)
I thought my day took
a turn for the worst

when my mom got me to
hang Christmas lights.

Now, Si, is that you
jingling ?

But after seeing
Si and Willie.

Them are my
new boots.

Oh, I got the best end
out of this deal.

Si, you look like
a Vulcan with green slippers.

(Si)
Hey, I'm proud
to be Spock.

Spock was the one that blew up
the Death Star, boys.

I told you
I got magical powers.

He can kill a man with that

Volkswagen death grip,
you know, hey.

Live long and prosper.

(laughing )

All right,
I’m going inside.

- Are the girls inside ?
- Yeah, they're—

they're cooking something.

I’m gonna go
help them out.

Will, you ought to fly on up
here and help us

get these lights done ?

Shoot, I ain't
doing crap.

- I’m done.
- Huh ?

(Jase)
Fine, leave me.

I get it.

Santa needs his
milk and cookies.

Santa's back hurts.

Hey, I'm with you,
fat boy.

Where's your
Christmas spirit ?

Hey, Santa is portly.

That's obvious.

(laughing )

It's gone.

What happened to
“ho-ho-ho,” big Willie ?

(Willie )
what are we doing ?

I heard Santa didn't
go well today.

Actually, Santa went well.

Santa's little helper
was horrible.

(laughing )

We're gonna send him
back to the factory.

Hey, those kids loved me.

And not only that,
look here, hey,

it was highly educational.

They learned
the real truth

about the North Pole.

They're gonna have, like,
nightmares about elves.

Hey, Big Bird's
got nothing on me.

Don't touch the ears.

( Korie)
Oh, here we go.

Here comes the tree.

♪ Christmas tree
♪ Christmas tree &

That is pretty.

Let's see what
we got here.

-Yo!
-Too tall.

Well, we have a problem,
Houston.

(Phil)
Need a little
readjustment here.

- Of course.
- I'll be back.

But it ain't nothing
that a chainsaw won't fix.

A little trim, Will.

Phil, I told you,
no chainsaws in the house.

They'll never know
we're here.

Oh, no, is he gonna cut that
off right here in the house ?

Do it quick, see, that way,
you know, they don't have time

to be arguing too much.

- Phil, we can take it outside.
-Huh?

We can take it outside.

( Korie)
Watch out!

Whoo!

(Phil)
Oh, yeah.

You've already spent a day
out there

looking for
the doggone thing.

No mess-ups now.

I’m pretty certain that's
against the law.

Barely made it.

- Perfect!
- Perfect!

You're gonna
decorate it, right ?

No.

Listen.

A skinny “I never eat cream
potatoes and gravy” woman,

they need to be decorated.

But this tree, full-bodied,

a little top-heavy,
no Maybelline needed.

I say leave it like it is.

(Willie)
Every year,
we go through this.

Phil just wants a tree in the
middle of his living room,

no lights,
no decorations, just a tree.

I love the tree plain but
I like it better decorated.

It's Christmas.

Hey, whatever builds
a fire under you.

Here you go, kids.

Bark, needles, sap.

Merry Christmas.

I'll decorate it.

All right, Willie, start
with the lights, big boy.

- Hey.
- I tried to talk her out of it, Will.

This ain't
my first rodeo.

- I know how to do it.
- Willie, don't start in the middle.

That looks terrible.

(Willie )
There's one thing
I learned a long time ago

about decorating a tree.

Be as bad as you can be.

( Korie)
Well, you're gonna need more
than one strand of lights.

Hey, y'all can shut up.

- Willie, that's embarrassing.
- That is pathetic.

Hey, looks fine.

Oh, my goodness.

(Willie )
That way,
I just get to sit back

and let the women show me
how it's done.

Wait, where's the ending ?

We gotta have
a strand up here.

We gotta have lights
up top.

Works every year.

The kids are gonna
trip over this.

Redo.

This has got to
go around the top.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Oh, those lights
are looking good.

( Miss Kay)
It's really not as much about
decorating the tree

as it is having the Robertson
family all together.

Okay, look, y'all,
who wants to do the balls ?

(all)
Me!

It's a beautiful picture.

It's like a Norman Rockwell
painting.

It just warms my heart.

(screaming )

- Whoops, there went...
- Man down...

Whoops.

Okay, let's give him
the non-breakables.

Be careful.

Get off your phone.

Oh, shoot.

(Willie)
Man down.

And we have number
four breaking.

It's all exhausting me,
watching y'all work like this.

I always did like
a crooked star.

(bulb shattering )

(Missy)
Oh God.

Will y'all quit shooting
the butterflies ?

Hey.

Well, at least
we're done now.

How long do you think
that took, Jase ?

Twice as long
as it should have.

There is nothing like seeing

the light at the end of
a very long tunnel.

I’m tired.

I bet we got
a thousand lights up there.

And right now,

it's an oven light...

illuminating
sweet potato pies.

You think she done
with that pie yet ?

Never underestimate the power of
sweet potato pies.

Well, she ought to
like this.

Well, if she don't,
what can you do ?

How's it going ?

Well, we're done.

You ought to be happy.

Jep, I brought you
some apple cider.

Thank you, Mama.

What about me ?

What are we ?
Chopped liver ?

He's the baby.

Baby ?
He's got four kids.

But he's still
the baby of this family.

-Is that good ?
- Mm-hmm.

Here.

You can have some.

(laughing )

That's a trick
I learned from

watching Willie and Jase.

Take a swig, brother.

(Jase)
It's the old “shpittle” move.

The first thing you do
when you get food

is spit all over it,

that way, if you ever have to
go up and do something

and leave your plate
there, you know it's safe.

You gotta mark your property
around here.

So how's it coming ?

The lights are
fantastic!

We're finished.

Where's the rest of 'em ?

That's all we found.

We emptied that box.

You go to
the outside shed ?

There's a bunch more
boxes down there.

I wanted you to
empty all of them.

Jason's only got a few boxes
from inside the house.

He hadn't even
gotten to the storage shed

where I have everything.

You wouldn't
want me to bake

half a sweet potato pie,
would you ?

Now, if they've already
spent this much time

putting up the lights, surely
they can spend a little more.

( Godwin)
I’m letting y'all go first.

(Jep)
I'm gonna wait right here.

You need to go to
a hoarding rehab center.

They're all out in California,
I can't go.

When was the last time
you was in here ?

When we built it.

I better get a dozen
sweet potato pies for this.

Please.

(ornaments shattering )

- Oh, Kay, your house
looks great for Christmas.
- I love it.

Thanks.

And it smells good
in here, too.

Oh.

I think I just
broke wind.

Hey, I was only trying to spread
some Christmas cheer.

All right, Kay,
am I doing this right ?

No.

All right, well,
I’m hearing a lot of talking

and yapping but where's
the food ?

-We're working on it.
- Patience.

They're not ready ?

Do they look ready ?

Well, I'm starving.

Willie, it doesn't look like

you're starving
to death there.

(Willie)
Do y'all know what
I've been through today ?

I gave away half my office

to a bunch of snotty kids
because my uncle is insane.

Mm-hmm.

This dinner is the highlight
of my year.

(Willie)
Korie, you're wasting
too much dough over there.

Willie, this is not
the duck call room.

You can't come in here
and boss us around.

Your lines
aren't straight either.

All right.

Press down
and get out of there.

Hey!

- Saved by Sadie.
- Hi.

Look at these Christmas albums
I just found.

They're hilarious.

Hey, I don't think it's
time for Christmas album.

Y'all get back here
and cook.

Look at the
no beard years.

(all)
Oh!

Oh, that's the last time
Jason didn't

- have any beard at Christmas.
- (Jessica) Really ?

That's the last
time right there.

(Willie)
Yes, it's true.

There was a time when we didn't
have beards.

And I get to relive
that every Christmas

when we pull out
the photo albums.

- (Missy) Look at Jep, look.
- (Willie ) Precious.

All right, let's eat.

Yeah, Bella's never seen
Willie without a beard.

(Willie)
Get over it.

Why don't you just let
the smooth face die

like other fads ?

You don't see me pulling out

pictures of Korie's perm,
do you?

Will, do you remember—

Have you ever seen your daddy
without a beard ?

You remember it,
when he was little ?

Remember that Christmas where
we were gonna eat

and then we stopped cooking

to look at
Christmas albums ?

- Willie, this is fun.
- This is fun.

This is part of Christmas.

Seriously, though,
check this out.

It's like
Lionel Richie up in there.

({ Sadie )
who is that ?

( Korie)
Oh, look at Si.

(Missy)
Si!

(Willie)
It's Si'!

Si, you were
pretty good looking.

What do you mean
“was” ?

Hey, look at all this.

Oh, please.

Si, go back to sleep.

(Si)
I've always been
a ladies' man.

My favorite part of all
of Christmas

is hanging mistletoe.

Women, hey, they always
get real skittish

during Christmastime
around me.

Nobody can
escape these smoochers.

Come on, come on
now, hey.

Come lay one on me.

( Korie)
Aw, look at Little Will
in the sleigh.

And he was our
Christmas present that year.

- Remember that day, Will ?
- No.

I remember when we went to
Baton Rouge and picked you up.

You were the cutest thing
I've ever seen.

You know what
I remember, too ?

Christmas cookies.

Sadie, remember you had that
shirt on that said,

-“I'm the big sister” ?
- Yes, I do.

(Willie)
Korie and I adopted Will
when he was a month old

and it was one of
the happiest days of my life

and he's grown up to be
a true Robertson.

But none of that's gonna
change in the next 20 minutes.

Unlike my stomach, which is
about to devour itself

if I don't get some
of this delicious food

that we're not preparing.

- All right, let's eat.
- (Korie ) Be patient.

We're having fun.

(Willie)
This dinner is the highlight
of the season.

It's been dangling in front of
me like a carrot on a string.

Right before they waterboard
you, this is what you do.

- Willie, come on.
- They starve you to death

and make you look at old
Christmas photos.

When I get this hungry,
I’m liable to hurt someone.

Let's see
what's next here.

( Miss Kay)
Isn't this fun ?

- Aw.
- I love it.

(Jase)
All right, grab that ladder,
put that ladder up.

(Jep)
All right.

They want some lights,
I'll give her some lights.

If Mom's not happy
with this,

there's nothing
else I can do.

You ready ?

Everyone out
and prepare for glory!

Finally,
after all these hours,

everything has come together.

Here they come.

We are this close
to the sweet potato pies.

I can almost taste 'em.

Gather around.

Come on, Mr. Elf.

Welcome to the Robertson
Christmas light show.

I want my
sweet potato pies.

I like 'em warm.

Not cold, not hot.

I know how
you like 'em.

So without further ado,

I present to you...

Joy.

It says “oy.”

You're missing the “.”

(exhaling )

I probably should have made
a test run

before bringing
everybody out here.

Jase, this looks
like crap.

“Oy” basically describes

what I've gone through about
the last ten hours.

(Jase)
Don't panic.

There's more.

Hmmm...
there's more.

I give you more joy.

Hey!

We're getting there.

- Stay with it.
- Wait for it.

Wait on him.

There goes Santa.

- (Missy) Aww, he's cute, babe.
- That's cute.

Bam!

All right, let's go eat.

No, hey, hold,
hold, hold.

Where's your
Christmas spirit ?

I’m building this into
a crescendo for Mom.

What does that mean ?

That means, like,

this is
the grand finale.

Okay.

Now we're talking, he's
fixing to blow something up.

I give you...
Christmas magic.

Boom!

Whoa.

Wow.

(cheers and applause )

(Missy)
Wow... babe!

The best Christmas ever!

Even after seeing
how happy my mom was,

I haven't changed my
mind on decorations.

-Jase, that's my truck.
-Isn't it awesome ?

But...

I love it!

It does look
pretty good.

...decking out
Willie's truck,

that made it all worth it.

Ho-ho-ho.

You're taking
all that off.

(Jase)
You're welcome, Willie.

Merry Christmas.

Y'all bow, I'll say
a good prayer for us.

Father, thank you for
a good night.

Thank you for the lights,

especially, Father, the light of
the world

that you send our way.

Through Jesus I pray.

Amen.

(all)
Amen.

Y'all, we should sing some
Christmas carols.

- Yeah.
- (Willie) Good idea.

(Si)
Yeah, hey.

“Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer.”

No, I hate that song.

- Hey, Si, this is Christmas.
- I love that song.

I know it.

What about
“Silent Night” ?

- (Missy) Yeah.
- Yeah.

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin &

♪ Mother and child... »

(Willie)
Christmastime is the Robertsons'
favorite time of year.

Sure, the costumes
we have to wear,

be it elf ears
or a special sweater

are scratchy and awful,

but everything else more than
makes up for it.

We get to play
with electricity,

and, thank the Lord,

we get to eat our delicious
por-something-or-other.

All I know is
it has a lot of meat.

But best of all, the family
is all together.

It just brings
joy to my heart.

(Willie)
♪ Oy to the world

(all laughing )

Just saying.