Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 10 - Quack O'Lanterns - full transcript

Listen to that.

I am in the zone today.

- You're in the zone?
- I'm in the zone.

- Danger zone.
- No. I'm just in the zone.

Every so often, there are days
that I cannot make a bad duck call.

- Some people call that a flow state.
- Like Mississippi.

Huh?

What?

'Cause of the river.
Flows down through it.

It's not an actual state.
It's just like a state of mind.

The zone. There's nothing
you can do to take me out of it.



Hey, look here. You need to drink
about three gallons of this a day.

Then you'd understand
about a flow state.

I'm in the zone.

No earthly force can
penetrate the zone.

- See, I'm in a zone right here.
- Somebody help! Ow!

Okay, now it's gone.

- Somebody call 911.
- Why?

I cut my thumb off,
dude. Table saw.

It's hurts!

Willie, you're a terrible actor.

- That's weak, dude.
- For real?

- Yeah. That's weak, bro.
- Nothing?

Shoot. This week is Halloween,
one of my favorite holidays.

Are you okay? You need
me to call an ambulance?



- No.
- They didn't get it.

- Well—Y'all— - Try again.

I believed her more
than I believed you.

It's the only holiday where
you get to eat candy...

and scare the crap
out of little kids.

Jep looked kind of freaked out.

Not really.

- All right, I got some news.
- Okay.

We're gonna have the trick-or-treat
festival here at the warehouse.

- Boom.
- We are going to turn the warehouse...

into the scare house.

- Ah!
- Oh!

It is gonna be filthy.

Let me guess— by
"we" you mean "us."

- Exactly.
- Yup.

- Hey, I'm in.
- I'm in.

I want this thing to be killer.

Pun intended.

- I will— - So I got costume
ideas for everyone.

"Costume" is not in my
vocabulary. This is the costume.

I've never really
understood why people get

so excited about dressing
up during Halloween.

- Jase, you got to dress up.
- The kids? Okay. I get it.

I'm not wearing a costume.

But grown men getting
excited about dressing up?

- That's just creepy.
- Whatever. You don't get any candy.

Oh.

Let's just call
Halloween what it is...

A weird fashion show for candy.

Korie, does he get
this way every year?

He loves Halloween.

You know why? Man
loves to eat candy.

That's where it started, but
it's grown to so much more now.

Yes, it has. Yes, it has.

Hey, this is all muscle, son.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be workin' and
slavin' your whole life away ♪♪

Korie— - Oh, my gosh.

I have figured out that I can
scratch in the southern zone. Oh!

- No.
- I'm scratching my butt right now.

All right, get serious. We
have to figure out our costumes.

Let me call somebody, ask 'em
what they think we should wear.

- Crap.
- Willie.

Every year at Halloween,
Willie turns into a little kid again.

Ah! Korie, help me.
He's choking me.

- Willie.
- From senior picture.

- Willie.
- Hello.

- All right.
- This means I'm really thinking hard.

- Just hear me out.
- Oh, no, my guts are spilling out.

Are you done yet?

- Probably not.
- And I don't mean that in a good way.

Look, give me a high-five, and
we'll talk about costumes, all right?

- You promise?
- Deal.

- High-five.
- All right.

Ha! Too slow.

That was hilarious.

See what I mean?

All right, look. First
thing we gotta do is...

- Oh, my— - Figure out
what costumes we need.

Okay. I have a great
idea. Couples costume.

All right. Two, we're not
doing couples costume...

- 'cause that's stupid.
- Willie, I wanna be Cleopatra...

and you can be Mark Antony.

I'm not being that
dude. You'd be J.Lo.

Willie, Mark
Antony, not Anthony.

Well, unless Mark Antony had
a chainsaw, I ain't being him.

All right, fine. I'll be
Cleopatra by myself.

Hey, don't be mad.

Come here. Let's hold hands.

Kids, isn't this fun?

Yeah.

Squeeze and it comes out. Squeeze.
See how you just do a cupcake like that?

- Hey, what we got here?
- No. No, sir.

This is for people that
participate in Halloween.

Well, I'm not much
into All Hallows' Eve...

or Halloween as they call it.

No dress-up, no what?

Cupcakes.

Pagan holidays...

not my particular cup of tea.

- Okay?
- Oh, I'm participating, all right.

- Eatin's part of participating.
- No.

Huh?

He said it best.

But throw a bunch of
cupcakes in the mix...

and hey...

I can suffer through it for a day
or two. But trust me, I'm not into it.

Hey, kids, you know what I
like to do when I'm decorating?

I like to tell a scary story.

- Whoo-hoo.
- Hoo, don't you love scary stories?

- Yeah.
- You wanna hear one?

Oh, I'm a fantastic storyteller.

It's about a little girl, but she
was kinda big— not real little.

I've been telling this story
since my boys were little.

Wait. I think her brother was with
her. And then what about the chicken?

Did I tell y'all there
was a cat in here?

It gets better
every time I tell it.

And then, let me think...

Spine-tingling.

Ha ha. That was
a good story there.

- Phil, I'm not finished.
- You wanna take these kids?

I gotta cut some pumpkins.
Wanna make a jack-o-lantern?

- Yeah!
- Come on.

And then she was so scared
'cause she was all by herself.

- Y'all scared yet?
- No.

- Whoops.
- Easy there, buddy.

Jep, the idea is to
build it, not break it.

Building a haunted house—that doesn't
exactly get you in the Halloween spirit.

I'm goin' tell you, the scariest movie
of all times has got to be Halloween.

But a good slasher movie?
That gets the heart pumping.

There's just something about a
man with a mask and a butcher knife.

I know. I watched that
one with my eyes closed.

What?

It's not for everyone.

Your eyes closed?

It sounded scary.

Oh.

It's best to keep
the kids away from it.

No. I like Freddie
Cougar. Now he's scary.

You mean Freddy Krueger?

No. I'm talking about,
hey, Freddie Cougar...

the scariest movie of all.

Hey, look, the guy comes
at you when you're asleep.

That scares me
'cause I sleep a lot.

- That is true.
- True statement.

That movie Ghost, that
was a scary horror movie.

That movie Whoopi
Goldberg was in?

- Yeah.
- Jep, that-that's not a horror movie.

- That was a chick flick.
- Yeah, but it was still scary.

- I mean, you got two people
like— - Hey, you've been eliminated...

from the horror
movie conversation.

Something like that
happened to me and Jessica...

Ah!

I'm glad you did
it. He needed that.

Dude, don't you think
Ghost is a scary movie?

The one with Patrick Swayze?

Yes.

No.

Hey, let me show you
how to scare somebody.

Oh, boy. Hey, hey, hey.

The scariest thing
about this scare house...

Si, Si...

Is that Si is gonna be in it.

These kids are gonna have
nightmares for years. Traumatized.

Si!

- What?
- Have you lost your brain?

No. Y'all should've seen
the fear on y'all's faces.

Si, that's got a
real blade on it.

Well, of course
it's got a real blade

on it. It wouldn't be
scary if it was fake.

All right, look, guys. I want
these hay bales right here...

and then we're gonna
put the tombstones in front.

There he is.

Ghost of Halloweens past.

- Ghost, can you work?
- No.

We're trying to put together a scare
house for the neighborhood kids.

Si, take that thing off.

There is no Si.
There's only the ghost.

The problem is I'm working with
a bunch of overgrown children.

Ghost, can you move
some hay bales for us?

I'm in another dimension.

I cannot touch earthly objects.

Overgrown children
and a senile ghost.

That's true, 'cause you
think about Patrick Swayze...

it took him a long time
just to move a penny.

And a middle-aged housewife.

Ooh, Jep, get off the stupid
movie with Whoopi Goldberg.

I agree with the
ghost on this one.

- Here, let me help you.
- Hey, what are you doing?

- What do you think of that?
- Hey, you're a party pooper, you know it?

Get back to work, Si.

Come on, let's work. Here,
I'm trying to give you a hand.

If it weren't for me, we'd never
get anything done around here.

Hey, hold it. Hey!

Somebody has to be
the responsible one.

All right, hang on, hang
on, hang on. Truce. Truce.

Now look, we have
got to get to work.

Sometimes you
gotta be the bad cop.

What? Hey, guys.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Just playing.

Hey, put that crap down!

We got like two hours before
this place is gonna be full of kids.

- That's what I've been screaming.
- Willie.

- All right. That was stupid.
- Get it done.

Back to work. Get
those hay bales there.

Oh!

- Willie!
- Korie, I got it.

You kids ready to
see pumpkin guts?

Yeah.

I'm fixin' to skullcap it.

Let's carve us a pumpkin, kids.

Gutting a duck is a particular skill that
every man, woman and child should know.

Think of this as a duck.
A big fat mallard duck.

Course it's not duck season yet,
but we do have plenty of pumpkins.

Hey. Hey, you. You get the
"giget." That's the gizzard.

You get the heart.

- And what do I get?
- You get the lungs.

Anything that involves a lot of
knife work, that's a good thing.

And remember, you're
removing guts from a duck.

River rat Benihana's.

You may begin to
take out the entrails.

Oh!

I got it!

Yeah, you got the
lungs. That's the lungs.

- I got the lungs!
- Where's the "giget"?

Get in there and
get that "giget."

Let's see. No, no
"giget." Go back again.

Just keep thinking "duck."

Now that's them. Make sure
everybody got the "gigets."

I'm not "giget."

Ooh, I love a good gizzard.

So as it turns out, even an old
pagan holiday like Halloween...

it ain't that bad.

What do you think?
How's he look?

- What would make him scary?
- He wants more scary.

- A beard.
- A beard?

Yeah.

You want a beard on him,
I'll give you a beard on him.

Oh, yeah.

Phil, are you sure you
know what you're— -

Ooh!

Now that is how
you carve a pumpkin.

- That enough whiskers for you?
- That's horrible.

Heh, heh. Whoo.

- Is he scary now?
- Yeah!

This chair ain't
very comfortable.

It's an electric chair. It's not
supposed to be comfortable.

- It'll only hurt for a minute.
- Hey, you did the crime, son.

- Now you gotta do the time.
- You ready, Godwin?

Everything's starting to come together.
The haunted house is almost complete.

- You got any last words?
- Wait. Don't I get a last meal?

Okay, if you got a last
meal, what would it be?

Ham "sammich."

We're just a few hours away from
scaring the crap out of some kids.

There's gonna be a
buzz, then a slight tingle.

- Well, you said it wasn't real.
- Well, we're fixin' to find out.

First up is the
biggest little kid I know.

- One— - Don't pee on yourself.

Three!

It's gonna be electrifying.

Ah. It's gonna be fun.

Ooh, what does this do?

Si, quit messing with that.

- Once you start it, it goes, dude.
- Hey, do you know what time it is?

- Si— - There's
something evil out there...

and it's lurking in the dark.

I can feel it in the air.

It's getting cold in here.

- Oh!
- Exactly.

It's "Thriller," Jack.

Si, that's not "Thriller."

That's the Twist.

No. It's "Thriller."

♪ Thriller ♪

♪♪

I'm not sure if Si even
remembers the Thriller.

Thriller!

- I can't see the buttons anymore.
- You're gonna break a hip.

- Oh!
- Look out now.

Don't hurt yourself, Si.

This dance is from somewhere
deep down in that twisted brain of his.

- Si. Si!
- What?

- You're really scaring me.
- It's "Thriller" time.

And trust me, it is twisted.

Hey, you better— Hey.

Oh!

- We had a pretty good little—
- All right, look, y'all. Stop.

- I thought he was about to kiss me.
- Stop. We gotta go get our costumes on.

Hey, that's pretty good, Si. That's more
work than I've seen you do in a while.

Hey, I actually worked
up a sweat here, boys.

Here comes the zombies.

Feel like I just got
done gutting a deer.

Quit it.

Y'all look awesome. Those
teeth are really creepy.

- Hey, babe.
- For real? Nothing?

I mean, the kids
probably will be scared.

- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Oh, my God!

Now that's scary.

That's not scary. He's a beaver.

Hey, look, it ain't about the
costume. It's about the attitude.

Hey, you're telling me that if you
saw a beaver the size of a man...

that that would not scare you?

Look at the tail.

I'm a happy beaver.

Buck teeth the
size of your head?

Look, one chomp, he'd
bite your right arm off.

- There's no blood on him.
- Hey, that'll come later when I eat a kid.

- That's scary.
- Hey, I'm a mutated beaver.

Hey, you don't want no
part of this beaver, okay?

Oh, crap.

- Hey, everybody!
- Oh, my goodness.

You look so cute,
Missy. I love it.

What are you supposed to be,
Willie? Some kind of hobo cowboy?

- What?
- He looks like a cowboy...

- that got too close to the fire.
- Oh, yeah, you kinda do, Willie.

Well, at least he has a costume.

I couldn't talk Willie
into the couples costume.

Couples costumes?

Whenever that happens, that
means manhood has left the building.

One of the rules of being
a man is that you never...

Gotta go with him on that one.

Under no circumstance,
would you ever...

That's a sure sign.

Wear a matching
outfit with your woman.

- That is not true.
- It starts with matching sweaters...

and then it evolves into
something much worse.

- Oh!
- Oh, my goodness!

Look at that!

♪ Dut, dut, dut da ♪

I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.

I rest my case.

Jess, you said there was
gonna be couples costumes.

I tried. I couldn't
talk him into it.

You said we could win an award.

No, I didn't. I said you're
gonna get a reward.

Are you gonna wear that?

- I should've offered a reward.
- I'm gonna win in the end.

You know what you
should win? A razor.

This is so embarrassing.

This is embarrassing.

You ready? Let's show
'em how we practiced.

- Five, six, seven, eight.
- Uh-uh.

Come on, let's— Come on, buddy.

We didn't practice.
That never happened.

- Give it up, Jep. Hey.
- Jep.

- We worked hard on that.
- Jep, do it for us. Come on.

Just for us, Jep.
Do it just for us.

- One time, Jep. One time.
- Do it one time.

- Go, Jep. Go, Jep.
- Go, Jep.

- Good move, Jep, good move.
- Go, Jep. Go, Jep.

Okay, that's it.

I now have found the new
bottom for men everywhere.

Indeed.

It works, bro.

Well, at least they
did something.

- Everybody dressed up but you.
- Phil didn't dress up.

- Hey, you want scary— - Uh-oh.

Yuppie politician.

There you go.

- That's scary.
- That is scary.

All right, everybody.
It's showtime.

Welcome, everyone, to the
Duck Commander scare house.

- You look pretty, Daddy.
- Thank you, baby.

- Are y'all ready to walk through?
- Yeah!

All right, follow
me. Don't be scared.

Well, we worked on the scare house all day,
and the witching hour is finally upon us.

This is the most savage
criminal in all the world!

Now it's time for
my favorite part of

Halloween—scaring
the crap out of little kids.

He's escaping!
Run! Run, run, run!

Go!

We've got an electric chair...

Oh, no, kids. They're zombies.
They will eat your brains.

There's zombie teenagers
stumbling around...

Go! Run, run, run!

Martin's chasing
kids with a chainsaw...

- and Si— - Be very quiet as
you go through the swamp.

Do not wake the beavers.

Who's gonna be scared of that?

I'm a man-eating beaver, and
I love little children to death!

All right, I guess I'm
wrong sometimes.

Oh, Si, I don't want
'em having nightmares.

Oh, hey, beavers have been
in my nightmares all my life.

But that's nothing compared
to the surprise grand finale.

- All right, kids.
- It was awesome!

Y'all were so brave in there.

That's right. Yours truly.

Yeah.

You're not scary, Uncle Willie.

No.

Just give up.

- Nothing?
- Yeah, nothing.

How are they not
scared? These are knives.

Next year, couples costume.

- Maybe I'll be that beaver.
- And I'll be the girl beaver.

No. There's no girl beaver.

Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes.

Still got it.

Hey, hey, hey. This is...

Everybody calm
down. Hey, stop it.

Stop it. Hey, get away from
me, kids. Get away from me!

- That's a good haul.
- All right.

Let's bow. Father, thank you
for another day on planet Earth.

Thank you, Father, for
giving us the knowledge...

of knowing the difference
between make-believe and true faith.

Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Amen.

Halloween is awesome
for many reasons.

Of course there's the candy,
dressing up in nonmatching outfits...

and you can't forget scaring
the crap out of little kids.

But the best part of Halloween is
that everyone gets to come together.

Not just as family,
but as community.

Young and old, friends and neighbors,
all together in the name of good fun...

and candy.

Now that's how you
scare somebody.

Dude, you didn't even scare me.