Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 11 - O Little Town of West Monroe - full transcript

I did not get near
enough wrapping paper.

You can always
come back. Let's go.

- Whoa, whoa. Wait. Wait.
- I'm ready to go.

I got to check my
list. I'm not sure...

- Look.
- It's not...

We didn't get anything
for the workers.

Willie tends to be a
last-minute shopper.

And when you procrastinate your
Christmas shopping, you end up with...

Right here.
Santa's Crystal Ball.

Yep. That just happened.

You cannot just pick
up the first thing you see.



- No, that's not good.
- I can if it's the perfect gift.

Will the guys love this gift?

- ‘Santa's number one’
- What does that mean?

That's not even an
answer to a question.

Is Korie wrong?

- ‘Santa says not.’ - See?

No, are you wrong? Santa
says, ‘Nah, she's wrong.’

What...

My style of buying gifts
is the only way to shop.

We're not getting
the guys crystal balls.

We're gonna get a ton of them, so
that nobody gets their feelings hurt.

I'm a loose cannon, a maverick.

I shoot from the hip.

Two gifts, just bought.



- You want to ask about a bulk discount?
- Willie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How'd you do?
- I did awesome.

- Get everything on your list?
- Yeah. Look at all the wrapping paper.

You can never have enough.

You know.

- What are you doing?
- Yeah.

You want to ask a question?

Yeah. What are you doing?

I’m Santa's number one.
That's what I'm doing.

- What?
- He decided this was the perfect gift.

Santa's favorite.

- Hey, look at this bad boy.
- Oh!

What in the world?
Jase, what is this for?

I’m not much of a shopper.

So when I see a boat
at a great price, I buy it.

- It's a canoe.
- You can never have too many.

We go through boats...

like Si goes through tea.

I’m gonna get a trolling motor.

We've lost 'em, sunk
'em, stuck 'em in trees.

There's no way we can put
that in the car. We're all together.

- Yeah, we're in my car.
- Santa says ‘naughty.’

With my family, it'd be better
if I bought a six-pack of boats.

Strap it on the roof.

Babe, they don't want this
strapped to the roof of their car.

They don't care that I strap a
canoe on their car for our kids.

‘Try again.’

- What kind of toy you playing with there?
- Santa's favorite.

- Willie.
- I'm on fire.

He's getting that for the guys in the
duck call room for a Christmas present.

You just ruined the whole gift. Now
he knows what I'm getting everybody.

- I don't want one.
- Well, you're getting one.

How many times have I
told you get the guys bullets...

- And beef jerky.
- Thank you.

All right, I'm going to get
some bullets and beef jerky.

Good. I'm going
to get some straps.

Merry Christmas. Watch my boat.

I'm sorry.

This little crystal ball
ain't looking so bad, is it?

He has a point.

♪ You'll be walkin' around ♪

♪ All of your life ♪

♪ The blood in you
boilin' and sweatin' ♪

♪ You'll be working and
slaving your whole life away ♪

John Luke, you got enough
cereal in that bowl, Son?

Okay, you're using
a serving spoon.

You can get more cereal on it.

- Hey, slow down.
- You got to slow down.

- Slow it down, Son.
- Milk in your...

- Korie, what is wrong with this boy?
- Sadie, what do you want for Christmas?

Have you seen those new jeans?

You sure you didn't drop
him when he was born?

- It's like the leather— -
The strip down the side?

- I want some of those.
- Those are so cute.

I've been working so
hard on this nativity play...

I have not had any time to shop.

Every year, our church
puts on a nativity play.

And this year, the Robertson
family were chosen to perform it.

Can I be a wise man then?

No.

Actually ‘chosen’ might not be
the right word. I volunteered us.

John Luke, what do
you want for Christmas?

- A new fork?
- A forker?

Wait, don't— Wait.

- Don't take another— - Do one
thing at one time— talk or eat.

A new truck.

Your mouth must have been full
'cause I thought you said ‘a truck.’

Have you forgotten that you just
crashed the last one that you drove?

That's why I need a new one.

Well, we'll have to ask Santa
Claus and see what he says.

While John Luke's name may
not be on Santa's naughty list...

it is on my insurance.

Something tells me he's
gonna say no to a truck.

Yeah, I don't know if he
can build one of those in time.

Which means he ain't getting
a new truck anytime soon.

And that's a no.

This year I'm thinking bus pass.

He's not getting it this year.

Merry Christmas,
Son. Merry Christmas.

Speaking of Santa Claus, you're
gonna love the gift I got you this year.

You've already gotten something?

Well, I got it all
mapped out in my mind.

Maybe you should run it by Sadie to
make sure, like, it's something I like.

Willie is just not great at
picking out Christmas gifts.

You always get
me thoughtful gifts.

What does that mean?

One year he gave
me a bedazzled clutch.

I've given you tons of
practical things that are...

The next year was a Snuggie.

Expensive sometimes.

His gifts, they're...

Practical.

Thoughtful.

What about last year?
The dolphin earrings?

- I gave them to Sadie. She loved them.
- Yeah. Thanks.

You realize that
dolphins mate for life.

That's not true.
That's penguins.

Dolphins, like, trap their mate.

This got weird.

Look at all this. This is my
favorite thing in the whole world.

I love decorations.

- I love Christmas.
- I know.

I love ornaments
and so does Phil.

Oh, man. I'm fired up about 'em.

He's a little sarcastic.

Well, every Christmas, it just seems
like my house is invaded by yuppies.

- Ohh.
- Jep made that.

- He made that?
- Well, he just wrote the names.

Here comes my daughter-in-laws,
my granddaughters...

coming out of the subdivisions.

You know what? If you love me,
you'll have to love my decorations.

All they do all day
long is decorate...

and talk.

Here's a news flash
in case y'all didn't get it.

I’m not into dainty things.

How would we ever guess
that by looking at you?

Thankfully I can get away into
a yuppie-free zone— the woods.

Hey, what are you making
for the church festival?

We are gonna have
smoked wild hog.

Ooh! Yum!

- It's gonna be delicious.
- Speaking of wild hog, I'm your man.

- You're gonna go hog hunting?
- Yeah.

I kill it. She grills it.

That sounds fun. Can I go?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.

When the boys go hunting
for our big Christmas meals...

it always looks like
they're having the best time.

You just don't seem like the
hog-hunting type, little baby.

Hey, I've gone squirrel
hunting with Jep a time or two.

Phil is always calling
me a yuppie girl...

even though I’m about
as country as you can get.

It's a big difference between
hog hunting and squirrel hunting.

A hog— take your leg off.

- That's about it.
- What?

I can tell him till ‘m blue in the face
that I'm a pioneer woman like Kay...

but I guess he just won't
believe it till he sees it.

- Kay, do you ever hunt with Phil?
- Well, I could. It would be an adventure.

I've never actually taken
a woman hog hunting.

There's always a first, right?

It is my unwritten
policy never...

ever...

take a yuppie anywhere.

- So can we go, Phil?
- Come on. Let's go.

The only exception being
a Robertson family member.

In the spirit of Christmas and
the spirit of the American West...

you say, ‘Y'all
get your camo on.’

Yay!

He won't be able to call me yuppie
girl after this trip. That's for sure.

Okay, can I bring a snack?

- Do we need to change? I
mean— - Change your mind maybe?

No, we're not changing
our mind. We're gonna go.

Well, better be ready to get them little
legs in gear in case of he charges us.

Maybe we could do a quick walk.

A hog hunt it is.

Camo pajamas.

She'll probably like that.

Will, rehearsal time. You ready?

The women are fired up.

- Oh, crap.
- What are you doing?

I’m shopping for my lady.

I've been looking for the
perfect Christmas gift for Korie...

ever since she basically
told me that I'm terrible at it.

So what are you looking for?

I’m trying to give Korie a
Christmas gift she might actually like.

Apparently, I'm not
the best gift-giver, so...

- No.
- I give awesome gifts, son.

I bet.

I want something that is
so amazing and thoughtful...

that it blows all my other
gifts out of the water.

Double blow up.

What about sexy pajamas?

You got to get her
something more personal.

That's personal. You spend
a lot of time in your pajamas.

- Mmm-— - That's romantic.

When it's romance time, I don't
want to have to go through pajamas.

You got to cut to the chase.

You know what I'm known as?

Cut-to-the-chase Jase.

- Really? That's what people call you?
- Cut-to-the-chase Jase.

Who exactly calls you that?

Really no one. I just made
it up. But it sounds cool.

It doesn't sound
cool. It sounds stupid.

Yeah.

Hey, cut-to-the-chase Jase.

When you think about it,
most things in life are better...

when you just cut to the chase.

- Yeah, sounds real romantic.
- Oh, ifs romantic.

Dinner? Just gather
around the stove and eat.

That's the wrong
way to do it, son.

Sports and movies? The last
five minutes is what counts.

Jase, a true romantic
knows it's the art of the chase.

And more importantly, when
it comes nighttime attire...

less is more.

Trust me.

How do you buy gifts for
women anyway? I don't get it.

It’s impossible. Because when you
ask them, you say, ‘What do you want?’...

they're like, ‘Surprise me.’

You don't ask her what
she wants. You listen.

That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard in my life.

- What does that even mean?
- It is so obvious.

My brothers are idiots.

They have no clue
what real romance is.

She'll be on the phone with a
girlfriend, ‘Hey, I saw this dress.’

Pick it up, surprise her.

- Boom.
- I mean Willie's idea of romance...

is dinner, an action movie...

and wearing his clean underwear.

- The last thing I got her
was a locket— - A what?

With our picture inside of it.

- She liked that?
- She loved it.

And apparently, Jase is
just cutting to the chase.

I’m getting the
picture. It's a good...

I mean, the locket...

- No.
- That's a little... on the line.

But we took a picture
last year Korie loves.

I overheard her saying,
‘I love this picture.’

- There you go.
- That's where I've been wrong.

I need to start doing the opposite of
what I think when I try to buy her a gift.

You should actually try that
with many things, not just gifts.

All right, well, look, we got to
go do this rehearsal. You coming?

Look, I'm going to get this picture.
Tell them I'll be out there in a minute.

All right.

Jep, have you heard anything from
Missy about what she would like?

I didn't think you
wanted my advice.

- See, little brother, teach you something.
- Cut to the chase...

Jase.

What do you think
of our stage here?

I like it.

I feel like I'm...

a few inches above
the normal floor.

When Korie first mentioned...

that she volunteered my entire
workforce for the church's nativity play...

I wasn't exactly thrilled.

Ready to make some
Christmas magic?

But, because it's
Christmastime, the time of giving...

I've given all the guys a break
from work so they can practice.

- What are we doing?
- The Riverdance.

Not that any actual practicing
seems to be going on.

We're not supposed to
be doing the Riverdance.

- You got to put some accent on it.
- Si, that's enough.

- Hey!
- You got to make racket.

Si!

Look. These boys, they don't know
the first thing about river dancing.

You're giving me a headache.

Look, I was waist deep
in the Mekong Delta...

dodging bullets left and right.

Uh-oh! Here we go.

Whoa! Hey! Whew!
Good grief! Hey! Whoa!

- Oh, hey, now I switch.
- See, hey, river dancing.

You want to talk about a river
dance, that was a river dance.

- Okay.
- Fine.

- Too much movement for me.
- Ah, look.

- What do you think?
- Good job.

We have an actual stage.

- Kind of small, isn't it?
- I need it just...

Unless we make this bigger,
somebody's gonna fall off.

Just for today, this is our
stage. Audience will be out there.

- That's a bunch of shelves over there.
- Yeah.

Korie, is there going to
be a lot of people this year?

Yeah, it's always a big crowd.

- I don't like a lot of people.
- Ah, stage fright. Ooh!

Truth be told, I'm actually
looking forward to doing this play.

I feel like I'm going to throw
up, my legs start shaking.

Jep, that's called stage fright.

He's afraid of stages.

I mean, it's funny to watch Jep start to
unravel at the mere mention of performing.

Imagine everyone
without clothes.

Ohh!

Actually, just
stare at the lights.

So that leaves the door open for the
big thespians to step up to the plate.

He gone.

Okay, Willie, you're
going to be Joseph.

Jep, you're the innkeeper.
You only have one line.

Yes!

What was that?

What is that?

Someone's excited
about their role.

Zip!

Pulling the chain.

Yeah.

Okay, Martin, you are Caesar.

- Yes!
- Are you pulling the chain too?

- Yeah. It looked like fun.
- It is fun.

Si, Jase and Godwin
are the Three Wise Men.

For obvious reasons.

I want to be the one that
brings the ‘franken scent.’

- The frankincense?
- No.

The ‘franken scent.’

- Frankincense?
- No.

You're saying in one
word. It's two words.

Franken... scent.

- Okay, Si, it's frankincense.
- Uh-uh.

Hey, look, everybody knows
that ‘franken’ is a prefix, okay...

of different things
put together.

- I'm confused.
- Si, you know that's not right.

What are you talking about?

Franken Berry, Frankenstein,
franks and beans.

Look, it's a
combination of scents.

- Frankincense?
- Yep.

Franken scent, okay?

Look, you could trust me
on this, okay? I'm a wise man.

All right, Si, you got
the ‘franken scent.’

There you go. Now you got it.

And, hey, I'm telling you,
it's got a great fragrance.

Si is a man of many fragrances.

Oh, hi-yo, Silver!

Hyah! Get up here!

All right, ladies.

Y'all ready to kill a hog??

Look at us, Kay. We're
actually doing this.

Yay!

Fun.

A hunter never goes...

Okay.

- They don't do that.
- But it's Christmastime.

Oh, we fixing to get in the
Christmas spirit right here.

Whoo-hoo.

Phil pretty much has two
modes— There's the regular Phil...

and there's the hunting Phil.

- Oh, it's Christmastime. I love it.
- All right, I need my stick.

You sound like Priscilla when
you said that. She gets so giddy.

- She's darling. She's precious.
- I know.

Hunting Phil
usually talks a lot.

- Y'all do know how to shoot, don't ya?
- Yeah.

Safety first.

Have I told you
Priscilla's Christmas list?

- It's a baby doll?
- Yes!

That's when I tune him out and
just nod and pretend I'm listening.

- You ever stuck a hog?
- Yep.

Did you get all your
Christmas stuff?

Hey, two can play
at that game, jack.

I can't wait when we wrap
those presents like we used to do.

Yall coming?

- Yeah, we're coming.
- Let's roll.

We're fired up. You know what?

I hadn't get any of my
Christmas stuff done.

Well, one things for sure.
If the yapping keeps up...

there won't be a hog
come within a mile of us.

- Y'all ready?
- Oh, are we going?

Yeah!

Yeah, they'd scare off a honey
baked ham if it was out here.

Adventure in the woods. Picture.

Whew! Yeah.

- Watch them cottonmouths.
- What?

Look who I found.

Our fearless leader.

I’m here to direct
y'all. Yall ready?

- Baby, I like it when you direct me.
- Oh, boy.

- What'd you have in mind?
- Music.

We have to sing.
It's a Christmas play.

The wise men didn't come
singing. They brought franken scent.

- What?
- Don't follow him down the rabbit hole.

Part of the nativity
play at the church...

will include a Christmas
carol sung by the whole cast.

All right, are we ready?

Hey, hello?

Si.

- Ready.
- Riverdance.

The positive side is that
the entire cast gets to sing.

- & One, one, one, one I
- & One, one, one, one I

- One, one, one, one I -
Okay, what are y'all doing?

The negative?

The entire cast gets to sing.

- & One, one, one, one I
- & Aah, aah, aah, aah I

- See? See what I mean?
- Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, that's bad.

Maybe Godwin can
just Milli Vanilli this one.

I Girl, you know it's
Girl, you know it’s I

I Girl, you know it's
Girl, you know it's true &'

- Go ahead. What's next?
- Okay, so let's place everybody.

Mary and Joseph, you'll
be around the manger...

- looking down into the manger.
- You better help me 'cause I'm pregnant.

- Yeah. Very good.
- Take care of your pregnant wife.

Wait. Wait. You're not
pregnant. You just had the baby.

She's in great shape.

I might not be standing up
right after I just had a baby.

That's true. But you are Mary.
You were inspired by God.

Oh, yeah.

All right, then...

- What...

- Wait.
- Willie.

One second.

I just had a baby. You
can't take a phone call.

No, she didn't have a baby.

The old phony phone
call is a classic CEO move.

- I got to go.
- Wait. We're rehearsing.

- I need Martin.
- Boom.

Pulling the chain.

You can get out of pretty
much any circumstance...

by saying you have to take
an important business call.

- What?
- Al right.

I get a lot of ‘work’ calls whenever Korie
and I are out to dinner with her parents.

I’m getting the feeling that
she's starting to catch on.

- What?
- Business. It's business.

Oh, shoot.

I got to take this.

Hey. Yeah. I'll be back. Yeah.

See how it works.

- All right, look, here's the deal.
- What do you got?

I need you to go pick
up something for me.

- All right. What is it?
- Korie's Christmas present.

It's a portrait.

You're giving Korie
a portrait of yourself?

No.

- The whole family.
- Oh.

Good. 'Cause that'd
just be weird, man.

Here's the deal. Go pick it
up right now. Just take off.

- What about rehearsal?
- Tell them you got work stuff.

That don't work, I'll tell
them you have diarrhea.

- Oh, come on, man. Not diarrhea.
- That's an awesome excuse.

- No, man.
- Come on. It's fake diarrhea.

Look, there are three
legitimate excuses...

that will get you out of work
every time, no questions asked...

I’m not a kid anymore. I don't just
get diarrhea at the drop of a hat.

Anybody who gets diarrhea, you're
out. Like, you're automatically excused.

Having a baby, losing a limb...

or having diarrhea.

School, work, you just
mention diarrhea, you're out.

Work?

And since Martin ain't pregnant
and technically physically intact...

I’m gonna have to
go with number three.

I don't want karma to catch me and then get
halfway there and really have diarrhea...

and ruin my pants or something.

No, I won't tell them that,
but I'll make up something.

- Make it quick.
- All right.

- Text me the moment you have it.
- You got it.

- Tell me what you think.
- I will.

As long as you like it.

Okay, Mary and Joseph, enter.

I’m—Oh, I'm hurting.

- This could drop at any moment.
- We need a room.

We don't have— We
ain't got no room for y'all.

- Jep, I can't even hear you.
- What'd he say?

I’m sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is the most
important part of this thing...

is this exchange, and
we got to get it right.

Really?

I don't know if it's the
most important part.

I don't think it's
the most important.

Look, they can make
fun of me all they want.

But if you think about it, the
innkeeper, that's a pretty important role.

Man, is the air conditioner
broken in the inn?

- Why are you sweating so bad?
- There are no rooms available.

No one in their right mind
thinks the innkeeper...

is actually important
to the nativity.

There's no room here for y'all.

What are you, a robot,
went back in time?

If the innkeeper hadn't
turned them down...

you'd see this entire
play in a hotel room.

Snoozeville.

I thought that was okay.

- We do not have a room for you.
- There ain't no room.

Maybe Jep was just dropped on
his head too many times as a kid.

- We do not have any rooms.
- No.

- There is no room for you.
- Okay, no.

- There are no
rooms— - Do it again.

We ain't got room for
y'all here. No rooms here.

- Okay, Jep— - We do
not have any rooms.

We need to move on, okay?

Maybe I dropped him on his
head too many times as a kid.

Mary and Joseph,
take your positions.

I think you're supposed
to be kneeling.

- On my knees?
- Yeah.

It's just, like,
for five minutes.

After being married to
Korie over 21 years...

I've learned never
trust her time estimates.

- Oh, boy.
- He's gonna do this during the play?

- What an old man.
- Okay, is he okay?

- No.
- Yeah, he’s fine.

If she says five minutes,
just get comfortable.

- Oh, I need to show you the costumes.
- Oh, yeah.

- What?
- Look.

- Oh, my goodness.
- For the little kids.

- That's so cute.
- Yeah, that's precious.

- Look. Look at the tail.
- Joseph is laying down.

Oh, that's so cute.

It's not clear in the scriptures whether
he was laying down or kneeling...

- so carry on.
- You're a sorry excuse for Joseph.

- Oh, sorry, innkeeper.
- Suck it up.

I hope nothing happens to you.
We could never replace that role.

We do not have any rooms.

You're messing up our
whole rehearsal. Come on.

- Joseph is laying down.
- Really, Willie, get up.

Greetings. I bring
you a casket of gold.

Wait a minute. Casket?
I’m not saying that.

All right, getting pretty
uncomfortable here.

- Say bag.
- I'm not saying bag.

- Really?
- A wise man would say ‘satchel.’

- Okay.
- All right.

Hold on. Let me— Satchel.

You don't bring
no satchel of gold.

If you guys haven't
figured this one out yet...

Jase, he can be a little
stickler for perfection.

- I can't feel my feet.
- ‘Casket of gold.’

I’m not saying
casket. That's morbid.

Hey, the boy gripes so much, look,
one night he fixed himself dinner...

and then sent it back.

- Hey, let's cut to the chase.
- Cut-to-the-chase Jase.

- That's what they call me.
- Can we get this over with?

The boy is, you
know, a little touched.

Say ‘pouch.’ They
had pouches back then.

I’m not saying pouch.
That's feminine.

Pouch is not feminine. The male
sea horse is the one with the pouch.

Maybe that's why
they're extinct.

- Sea horses?
- All right.

No, no. No, no. No, no.
We're— We're doing so good.

Let’s go take a lunch
break. I’m buying.

We do not have any rooms.

Practice makes perfect.

It would be easier to have
just gone to the grocery store.

How long are we gonna be here?

Patience, girls.

I see something
out there. It's brown.

- Do you see it?
- No. No.

Do y'all know what
a hog looks like?

- Yes.
- I'm not talking pork chops in a package.

- I'm talking about a real, live hog.
- Of course.

I draw animals, Phil.

- And he has horns.
- Horns?

- Are they hairy?
- One thing's for sure.

What these girls
lacked in hunting skills...

And they make a funny noise.

They made up that
with enthusiasm.

Seemed to be fired up
about the whole thing.

Is that one over there?

I think there's something
moving over there?

- You got your gun?
- That's just grass.

I think I see one.

That's a mound of
dirt. You can't bake dirt.

Did you hear that rustling?
I saw something right...

- I thought I did too, Phil.
- No hog.

Now if only they're as quiet
as they are enthusiastic.

What part of whispering
are y'all not getting?

By now, we'd be hot
on the trail of a hog.

Oh, wait. Shoot.

That's Jep. Oh! Look
at this picture, Kay.

He just got the dog's
nails painted red.

- Oh, my goodness.
- It's hot out here.

And I'm getting bored.

- Do y'all want a hog?
- Yes. That's why we came.

- Are you sure you want a hog?
- Yes.

- You're positive you want a hog?
- Yes.

I'll show you how to get a hog.

All right.

Suey! Pig!

Look, hogs respond to voices,
especially women's voices.

Suey! Pig.

Louder.

Suey! Pig.

- That's a good one, Kay.
- You try it.

Suey. Pig.

- Not bad.
- Nailed it.

Well, I figure if these
girls are gonna talk...

and snap photos and
instachat with each other...

Keep your head down...

because the sound waves are
gonna bounce off the ground...

and go down through the woods
and the hogs will hear you from way off.

I've got these ladies here, I might
as well have a little fun with them.

- Suey! Pig!
- Louder.

Suey! Pig!

- Suey! Pig!
- That's getting there. A little louder.

- Suey! Pig!
- Think about talking to Bobo.

- Bobo bo! Piggy pig!
- There you going. That's right.

- Come here, little pig!
- Bobo!

One mention of Kay's
dogs and her voice changes.

Come on, Bobo!

She gets in some kind of zone.

Don't pout, Bobo. I
love you both the same.

It was almost worth the trip.

- Get your dinner!
- Phil, why are you laughing?

This doesn't really work.

Well-

That's kind of the point.

Whoo!

I'm fixing to get you a ham. I was just
playing around with y'all on this, but...

- No more playing.
- Let's go get us a hog. Come on.

- Ohh!
- This time it will work.

Suey! Pig.

- Just a joke, honey.
- That was embarrassing.

This is no room here.

We have no room... here.

There is no room here.

Better?

- We have no— - Jep, shut up.

I didn't realize how
exhausting that is.

Just standing
there doing nothing.

You got to stand at least.

My knees are swole
up like watermelons.

I love watermelon. You
got some watermelon?

Christmas
watermelon is the best.

Especially if you have eggnog
before you eat the watermelon.

Eggnog.

Do you realize every time
food is mentioned, you repeat it?

Hey, watermelon
would be nice right now.

- Watermelon.
- There ain't no watermelons.

- We have no
watermelon— - Watermelon.

- At the inn.
- There he goes again.

- That would be bad.
- There's no watermelon at the inn?

I wouldn't want to stay at
an inn without no watermelon.

What?

- There he is.
- What? Y'all got food?

- Yeah.
- We have no pizza for you here.

Good night.

Pizza's not good for
you in your condition.

- My condition?
- You know...

- That's what you went with?
- They bought it.

- Come on, man.
- Hey, did you get...

What?

- Did you get it?
- Oh, yeah. I got it in the truck.

I picked up Jase's
too while I was there.

- Oh, you did?
- Mm-hmm. It was ready.

Jase's what?

Family portrait.

That's what I got.

Yeah, I know.

- We got the same present.
- No, it’s my family.

- We look totally different.
- Are you serious?

For the first time, I come up
with a legitimately great gift idea...

and Jase steals it from me.

- You stole my idea.
- No, I didn't.

It was actually Jep's idea.

- It's a great idea.
- It's the same deal.

- I got a different frame.
- Hey, frame makes a big difference too.

I guess I should
have seen this coming.

This is the same guy who used to steal
my baseball cards and claim they were his.

When are you
giving yours to Korie?

- Tonight.
- Tonight?

But since it's Christmas...

I suppose I'm gonna have
to let bygones be bygones.

Well, that means I got to
give mine to Missy tonight.

Why?

'Cause if I don't, she'll
think I stole your idea.

But for the record, the Ozzie
Smith rookie card was mine.

Fine. We'll give them the
gifts at the same time tonight.

So what do you want
me to do with them?

You need to sneak them in.

Why do I have to
always do the dirty work?

You're good at the dirty work.

It's nothing to be
embarrassed about, Martin.

All right, enough of that
crap. Go on, squirty pants.

Make sure nobody sees you.

That's why I'm wearing camo.

- We have no room here.
- Jep, shut your mouth.

A bee.

I hear a bee.

Yeah.

Be... quiet.

That's a terrible pun.

We should have
went to the store.

Yeah.

Whisper.

My favorite time of year
is about Christmastime...

being way off
out in the woods...

where the peace and quiet is.

You said if we
did it your way...

My way is the quiet way.

Do y'all not speak to each
other when you're hunting?

Ham comes to those who whisper.

The best part of it all...

if you're fortunate
enough to put a bullet...

through an old porker's head...

there's your Christmas ham...

free of charge.

Boom.

When you hear this rifle
bark, then you know it's for real.

Merry Christmas indeed.

We haven't seen anything.
There's nothing around.

Trust me.

That's what you
said earlier too.

What did he say?

About those
Christmas ornaments...

When I was young and I
couldn't buy any decorations...

I just sprayed
all kind of stuff...

For what?

Phil!

That's so loud!

It only works if you hold
your ears before I shoot...

- not after.
- I have hearing loss.

Honey.

You're gonna make a hog
hunter yet. Let's go get him.

All right, ladies.

My right hear is still ringing.

- Jessica, grab that leg right there.
- You want me to touch it?

Uh, yeah.

Do you have some
gloves? Some work gloves?

No, I'm fresh out of gloves.
Grab that leg right there.

Or you gonna make
your mother-in-law do it?

No, she won't.

I’m a veteran pioneer woman.

I've been helping clean and carry
hogs since I could carry and clean hogs.

What is the wet
stuff all over it?

When a bullet goes through the
brain pan of a hog, he poops a little.

It happens. Grab a hold of it.

Poop-covered hogs are
reserved for the rookies.

Well, I can't drag him
out by myself. Let's go.

From the subdivision
to the piney woods.

I better be your favorite
daughter-in-law after this.

You're making
progress here today.

Well, this turned out great.

Yep.

- It was a great idea.
- It really was.

My idea.

And that, ladies and
gentlemen, is how it's done.

- When did you take this picture?
- Last year.

Don't take this the wrong way, but
you've picked up a few pounds since then.

How else would I take
that than the wrong way?

It's the holidays, son.
Everybody gains a little weight.

- Yeah.
- And look at you. The blazer.

Kind of like a
bearded James Bond.

Cut-to-the-chase Jase.

Just like I've always said.

If I take two seconds to think
about it, I pick amazing gifts.

Now can you imagine if
I really put my mind to it?

Epic.

I’m fixing to make some Christmas
magic happen. You ready?

I hope this works.

Korie and Missy, can you
come to my office, please?

Guys, this better be good.

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

- My goodness!
- No way!

- A little early gift.
- Oh, that's my favorite picture.

That is gorgeous.

Thank you, baby.

- I love it.
- That was so sweet.

Oh, my goodness. I love it.

I knew it! I am the greatest
gift-giver on the planet.

See, the key is,
you just got to listen.

You did. I have been
wanting to blow that up forever.

- I heard you say this one time.
- Wow.

And I was like, ‘I'm
gonna remember that.’

Yeah.

Now I've got those sexy camo
pajamas all wrapped up for her birthday.

This is the best present
I've ever gotten from you.

- Thank you. It was my idea.
- Well, it was both of our ideas.

If by both, you mean my idea
and then you heard the idea...

- Well, technically Jep—
- Technically though, 1-

- Hey.
- Yeah. I say, does it really matter?

- It's perfect.
- I mean, these are awesome.

Whatever.

All right. We do have
to get back to rehearsal.

- Yes. All right, let's go, guys.
- We still have to do that now?

- Yes. Come on.
- We got you these pictures.

- Yeah. Nice try.
- All right.

Let's go do some singing.
♪ One, one, one, one ♪

♪ One, one, one, one ♪

Will you stop doing that?
That's not gonna help.

Pulling the chain.

I just don't know
if it's hog poo.

Or like— Smell it and see.

- Yeah, it's hog poo.
- Is it? Oh, God!

- I mean, that thing stinks.
- All right, you hog hunters, you.

- Let's just get it cleaned
up— - You already?

- 80 we can eat it.
- Roll that hog over on his back a minute.

- Why?
- Why?

Jessica and Miss Kay, they
want to go on a big hog hunt.

Well, now we finish
off the experience.

Where’s my knife?

- We're gonna gut him.
- You're gonna gut him here?

- Grab one there right there.
- Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! It stinks.

The yapping has stopped,
and the gagging has begun.

Bingo.

- Oh! Oh, God!
- Oh! There it is!

These girls have now entered
Phil Robertson's supermarket.

- Oh!
- What do you know. There goes his liver.

Sale on pork chops, aisle three.

Boy, y'all's gonna
be hog hunters yet.

Oh, easy does it.

Now that— that's
a merry Christmas.

Now we got enough meat
to feed the whole church.

Let's roll.

- Now what that fun or what?
- I wouldn't call it fun exactly.

That was disgusting.

Yall can talk all
you want to now.

Hey! Bad dog!

Ahh!

- God!
- You struggling?

Wrong hole.

Well, it's almost showtime,
and I have to say...

I really think we
have it all together.

Except for this robe.

This thing's like a Brillo pad.

We can sit on you for a couch.

Just saying, a Snuggie probably would have
gotten the job done in twice the comfort.

What are you, a love seat?

Hey, Willie. Tell me your
line again, so I can do my line.

Oh, come on.

What?

I just want to practice
a couple more times.

Jep, you've practiced a
thousand times. It's five words.

- Dude, I feel like I'm about to throw up.
- Oh, my goodness.

Back in the day, how did somebody
actually pick an inn to stay in?

And which one did
you even choose?

I didn't know that many people
was going to be here, dude.

Whatever happens, don't
let us through the door.

There's no room at the
inn. Sorry. We have no room.

Let’s say, hypothetically,
you're traveling to Bethlehem.

- He's pale.
- He's gonna let them in.

Yep. Come on in.

No way to make
reservations at all.

When you think about
it, that is kind of terrifying.

Just don't let them in
there. It's not that hard.

All right.

Hey.

Is that my gold?

Don't be eating my gold.

It's full of chocolate.

You know how they
have these pigs...

that sniff their way to
finding truffles in the ground?

- How much have you eaten?
- I think it's six shillings.

Godwin is just like that.

But with chocolate.

I didn't know there
was chocolate in there.

Chocolate.

- Hey, give me that.
- It's got my face on it.

- Give to Caesar what's Caesar's.
- That's me.

The man can find
chocolate anywhere.

- You got some more of them?
- Even in 15-year-old stage props.

All right, let's
go. It's showtime.

Si, you can't drink that tea.

Look, my throat gets dry
when I perform. I got to have it.

When you perform?

You've never even
done a performance.

Wow. That's a great crowd.

It's too many people. Why
did y'all invite so many?

There's not that many, Jep.

I see Mountain Man's here.

He always shows up
for the free food. Mmm!

Yall should have gotten
Mountain Man to do this.

Well, it's almost showtime,
and I have to say...

after all the practicing, I
really think we have it together.

- Speak up, okay?
- Projection.

♪ One, one, one, one ♪
That's what I do.

And as great as I feel about what
we're doing for the community...

- ♪ One, one ♪
- Do it louder. ♪ One, one, one ♪

- M One, one, one, one ♪
- Jep, shut up, dude.

I can't help but secretly
hope that Jep messes up.

My fifth grade
teacher's out there.

You know, for the community.

She's old. She
can't hear nothing.

It's like on Saturday Night Live
when somebody messes up.

It's the funniest part.

Shoot. It's starting. Come on.

I just tripped.

- Well, stand up, you idiot.
- It's your stupid dress.

Stand up.

We want to welcome everyone here
tonight. We're so glad that you came.

The story of the nativity has been
told and retold for thousands of years.

And tonight, we present
to you the nativity play.

Our story begins with a
young woman named Mary.

I want this show to be great.

So I really put in the
time memorizing my lines.

‘Mary was very
important to the Lord.

So he sent down the angel
Gabriel to deliver her a message.’

God is very pleased with you.

You will be given a son,
and you will name him Jesus.

I can only hope the rest of
the cast is as prepared as I am.

Practice makes perfect.

I’m a servant— Oops.

Sorry. Go ahead.

‘This was very
confusing to Mary, but—’

Well, nobody's perfect.
That's in the Bible too.

I declare a census.

All citizens must be registered.

Dadgum thing doesn't fit.

‘They had to return to
Bethlehem in order to register.’

Gosh.

It all comes down to this.

The moment of truth.

You've got one line— ‘There's
plenty of room at the inn.’

- That's not my line.
- That's your line.

All my hard work's
about to pay off.

- All kinds of room.
- There's no room in the inn.

You got a party
going on. Let them in.

Nah, hah, hah, hah.

Hey, calm— calm down.

My wife is pregnant.
We need a room.

This is the moment
I've been waiting for.

I’m very sorry. There's
no room in the inn.

Yes! I nailed it!

This hotel was
open for business!

That was one line,
son. This ain't Ben-Hur.

‘And so Mary gave
birth to Jesus...

surrounded by
common stable animals.’

One place I definitely don't mind
giving credit where it's due is my wife.

Missy pulled this
off without a hitch.

I bring you a
satchel full of gold.

I bring you myrrh.

Considering the
talent involved...

I bring you the gift
of ‘franken scent.’

It was borderline miraculous.

- Si, no tea cup.
- Hey, ifs of the time.

It is the Christmas season.

‘And bestowing gifts to each
other, we give the greatest gift of all...

and that gift is called love.’

Okay, everyone, we've prepared
to sing ‘Joy to the World’...

and we would love it if
you sang along with us.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let earth receive her king ♪

Everyone knows that the
meaning of Christmas is giving.

But what makes the season truly
special is the variety of ways to give.

You can band together and give your time
and performance skills to the community...

give your hunting
expertise to a yuppie...

or simply give the perfect
gift to someone special.

Our Father in heaven, we are very blessed
tonight by the bounty put before us.

We're blessed with family
and friends and our community.

But we're blessed most of all with
the gift of your son Jesus Christ.

And we pray in his name. Amen.

Amen.

Willie, there is no
room in your tunic.

It's the holiday, son.
Everybody gains a little weight.

Hey, let's go, boys. Hey, pick up
the pace. All right, hyah! Get up here!

Take off in that
thing, go to the moon.