Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Samurai Si - full transcript

- Korie: Hi, babe.
- Willie: Hey.

Do you know
a Yomishiru Songoru?

It looks like it's like
from Japan or something.

Look, it's got all this
weird writing on it.

- Oh, Gary.
- Gary.

That's my friend
from Japan.

He's a big duck hunter.
I sent him a ton of crap.

My appreciation
for the Asian culture is vast,

from the time-honored
traditions of the samurai

down to the all-you-can-eat
buffet at the Peking Palace.

“Please accept this token
of my gratitude.



The Lonesome Panther
is the pride of the samurai.”

What is a Lonesome Panther?

-It's a freakin' sword.
- Oh, my goodness. Wow.

We were talking about
ninja movies.

I told him how much
I loved 'em.

- Oh.
- And he said he is from
a line of ancient warriors.

Watch yourself.

I've always felt
a strong connection
to the ninja.

- That looks dangerous.
- Very dangerous.

In fact, if I didn't become
CEO of Duck Commander...

Wow. Oh, no.

...my plan was to head
down that road.

Seriously? Oh.

This sword—
game changer.



All right.
Are you coming to Sadie's
track meet later?

- (exhales)
- Willie?

Oh, my goodness.

All right,
I’m out of here.

I'll see you
at the track meet.

- (thuds )
- Korie: Willie?

Willie:
The sword's okay.

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY ♪

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪

♪

St
Sol go to college.

All year long, okay,

I've been partying,
having a good time.

Me and my best buddy,
we're both flunking out

"cause we ain't showed up
for class, okay?

And he says, “Hey, my daddy
will kill me if flunk out.”

So, hey, we stayed up
54 hours in a row, okay?

And we drank soda.

- Hey, we was
drunk as skunks.
- (laughter)

- Did it work?
- Hey, lookit—
no, no, look.

- We got drunk on soda.
- No.

Si:
Yeah, three different types.

(laughter)

Hey, if you go
without sleep for 54 hours

and drink enough sodas,

you can get
a good buzz off of it.

That's just sleep deprivation.
That ain't drunk.

Nah, I was drunk.
I couldn't walk straight.

That's 'cause
you were sleep deprived.

I went without sleep
for two weeks in Nam one time.

I know the difference.

Trust me, I had
a good buzz, okay?

And it was off of sodas.

This was not
sleep deprivation, okay?

This was, hey, drunk.

Hi there, jack.

Gentlemen.
How's the Mach 3s coming?

I got an order
for, like, 100 of them.

- What is that?
- What is what?

- What is that
you got your hand on?
- This?

What in the world?
Easy now.

That's a samurai sword.

Pure Japanese steel.

Hey, easy with that thing.

You're gonna cut
someone's arm off.

That thing will take the hair
off a dolphin's chest.

And look here, have you ever
looked at a dolphin's chest?

Hey, that boy's got
fine chest hair.

Let me hold it.

(laughs )

You're not gonna
let me hold it?

Jase, my friend,
with great power comes
great responsibility.

You, my brother,
possess neither.

Don't ever
touch this, ever.

That's ridiculous.

Some people may
call it gloating

that I go back there
and show off my sword

and not let anybody
touch it.

Nobody ever touch this.

You hear me?
It's mine.

Some people may say that.

And they'd be right.

Get back to work.

- (blows raspberry )
- Don't touch it.

I can't believe
he wouldn't let us
hold it.

That's like on your honeymoon
your wife come out and say,

“Hey, what do
you think of this?
No touching.”

- Talking about
I don't think so.
- I don't think so.

- Si: Homie don't play that.
- (laughter)

(squawking )

- Willie: Hey.
- Hey.

What y'all up to?

Oh, we just went
to a little track meet.

- First place.
- (gasps)

-That's right.
- Congratulations.

- What in the world?
- Korie: Oh, my goodness.

- Phil:
Plenty of firepower here.
- What are you doing?

Well, I'm getting out
my weapons, getting them
cleaned up.

A man becomes one
with his weapon,
as they say.

Your weapons
are your best friends.

- Look, you see
this little puppy?
- It's tiny.

That was your dad's
first gun.

Phil:
if they don't have
some Jove and nurturing,

it can go south on you
in a hurry.

Here, you try.
It's not loaded.

- Sadie: Whoa.
- Now, that gun looks
pretty good on you.

- Thank you.
- Handed down from your dad
down to the daughter.

It almost makes me
tear up.

How would you rate
your shotgunning
skills at 157

- I don't think
she's ever shot a gun.
- No, sir, I haven't.

Your daughter has never
shot a shotgun, Willie?

I didn't know she wanted
to shoot a gun.

Too long
in the subdivision.

8:00 in the morning,
we'll teach you
how to shoot.

- How's that sound?
- Uh...

There is still hope
for America.

Godwin:
You know what word I hate?

- What?
-Ointment.

I don't like coupon.

Coupon sounds weird,
strange.

Hey, look here,
when you work with people
as long as we have,

the conversations
can literally be
about anything.

I think I’m gonna get me
a Philly cheesesteak
for dinner.

Si:
How are you gonna
have 'em cook it?

You want it
medium done, done?

Do you know what
a Philly cheesesteak
sandwich is?

Hey, last week,
we spent three hours

talking about
50 shades of grey.

Hey, myself,
I like charcoal grey.

Martin,
he's into slate grey.

You know what
I've been thinking about?

What?

I'm obsessed
with that sword.

That is a good sword.

I feel like this sword
is reaching out.

I stayed up all night
last night thinking
about that sword.

It's in desperate need
of a warrior.

It's saying,
“I need a master.

I need a real man.”

Hey, you never mess
with another man's weapon.

They get kind of touchy
about it.

That's not even a weapon.
It's more like a toy.

Well, then
it's okay, then.

This is a toy
that I really, really,
really, really,

really, really, really,
really wanna play with.

It's in Willie's office.
We need it.

I’m going to get
that sword.

- I'll be your lookout.
-Come on, Martin.

Well, hey, now y'all
are on a mission, boys.

-Jase: Oh, man.
- Martin: Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.
(whistles )

- Martin. Would it shave you?
-We could castrate
a fly with this.

That's pretty
intimidating.

- Well, hey, let's cut
something with it.
- Hang on, Si.

I'm with him.
Let's cut something.

- Let's go with it.
- I never said I was
gonna use it

I just wanted
to hold it.

Hey, it's lame sauce, man.
Let's cut something.

- It's weak sauce, Si.
- Hey, yeah, big time.

Yeah, this would, like,
be going to a Porsche dealer

and telling them, “Yeah,
I'll take that red one,”

and then talk about,
“Well, here's the keys.”

“No, I don't think—you know,
I'll take a taxi.”

You idiot.

It does feel pretty solid.

- Let's see what you got.
- I don't know.

Oh, you can't cut
that thing anyway.
You ain't strong enough.

This samurai sword is taking me
back to when I was a kid.

Let's go.
Cut him!

- Whack it.
- Hai!

- Whoo!
- Whoa! Whoa!

Jase:
Every time ] go back
to when I was a kid,

I start doing
ridiculous things.

Let's get some more stuff.

- Yeah.
- Quick.

So right now, I'm fixin'
to get ridiculous.

Yep.

This thing is gonna be
a humdinger.

- I'm talking about—
-There it is.

Hey, this is gonna be
one of the “Pants-Off
Dance-Off,” Jack.

- Hey, that's my watermelon.
- Uh-oh.

We're fixin' to have
a hootenanny

like you ain't had
in your lifetime.

Martin:
I want some
of that watermelon.

This is gonna be like
the wedding from “Deer Hunter.”

Jep:
It"s all in the hips, Jase.

- Get him.
- (exhales)

Hey, this thing
is gonna be good.

Si:
Go for it, ninja!

- Men: Oh!
- Jep: Goodness.

- Hey!
- Oh, missed it.

-Oh!
- Hammered him.

There it is.

-Jase: No!
- (laughter)

We've chopped, sliced,
whacked everything in sight.

-Juicy.
- Ooh, that's sweet.

-That's a good one.
- Si, come on.

Martin:
Hit it again.
I want the heart of it.

When I circumcised
a watermelon...

- There you go.
Right there.
- Perfect.

...that was awesome.

- Och!
- Martin: Do it again.

Slicing through
the flour— awesome.

That wasn't bad.

If I can castrate
a tomato in flight...

All: Ooh!

Whoo, this is awesome.

Triangles, please.

- Have you grown particular
in your old age?
- You betcha.

- Ooh!
- Martin: What in the world?

(Jep laughs)
Si!

No, that's my cue.
I'll see you boys.

St
It's a piece of junk.

Phil: So, Sadie,
what do young girls your age

do for fun these days?

I love sports.

- Sports?
- Yeah.

And, like,
texting my friends,

going to the mall
with my friends,

going to the movies
with my friends.

Can just throw
shotgunning in the mix.

“Shotgunning
with my friends.”

- (Sadie laughs )
- Yeah.

“Well, I'm into
shotgunning now.”

Y'all listen
to your jive,
you know,

and play
your ball games.

I think I’m gonna do
a little whackin'
and stackin'.

(laughs )
Oh, my goodness.

They get to be
15 or 16 years old,

you start
leaving them alone—

I mean, I would think
you would want her

to know how to use
a firearm.

So you like them movies
where all the girls cry
right toward the end?

- Is that the kind
y'all like?
- Not really.

I've noticed that
when most women

get together in groups,

they're not happy
until everybody cries
over something.

When the Almighty made women,
He made a strange creature.

They have to cry to be happy
and they all have to go to
the bathroom together.

- What's the deal with that?
- I don't know.

I would like to see
what they do

just to see why it takes
all of them to go in there

or l'd like
to know what it was
that made them all cry.

They're strange,
I’m telling you.

I can't figure it out.

I don't know
what to tell you.

- (Sadie laughs )
- Willie: All right,
here we are.

Phil:
Let's kill something.

Jase:
I stay away from
places like this.

Si:
Oh, no, hey, if they
don't have it here,

it don't exist.

Jase:
Willie doesn't need to know

that I took his sword

and that Si broke
the sword.

Si: They'll have
what we need here,
I’m telling you.

We gotta fix this thing.

What can I help
y'all with today?

My uncle here broke
my brother's sword.

That come from Japan
and it's supposed to be
a big samurai sword.

That goes on there
somewhere.

We fix stuff around here,
but I don't know if this
is gonna be fixable.

- That's not good.
- Let me take it out back
and look at it.

I've got a couple over here
you might be interested in.

You walk into a pawnshop
and look around,

it's crying out, “Desperation
and broken dreams.”

I got some swords,

got some knives,
even got some “numbchuks.”

It's a sad place.

This place
is awesome, man.

- Y'all just help yourself
- All right.

Look at all this stuff
they got around here.

Hey, we can replace the sword
with the numbchuks.

But, hey, you talking about
mess somebody up...

Si, Sit

Hey, you're gonna
hurt yourself, man.

Pow!

Hey, if I pop you
with this baby,

you'd be fixin'
to be numb.

That's why they're called
“numbchuks.”

On a scale
from one to 10,

how mad do you think
he's gonna be?

Eh, not too bad.
Three.

- Really?
- Nah, I was lying.

He'll be mad as all get out.
He'll be 10.

Phil:
All right, Jet's see
what you got.

Ram these down
in your ear canal.

If you don't,
you can end up
like old Uncle Si.

- Oh, gosh.
- “Say what?
What we're gonna do? What?”

I've learned a few things
from the samurai

about teaching
your children.

You have to teach
with clarity...

Watch where we're—
watch the— the shot,
all right?

...be thorough...

The idea is to— pyoo—
bust that, you know?

...extremely detailed...

You gotta do all that
in one motion.

Let your— let your hand
do the pointing.

...and give lots
of examples.

( Phil speaking )

After this,
Sadie'll be able to teach

a master class
in shotgunning.

Pull.

I - Ow!
men laughing )

- Phil: Yep.
- Willie: Gotta learn
to play with pain, honey.

Try one more.
Pull.

Whoops.

First time your dad shot,
he did the same thing.

- I've gotten better.
- Look here. [ will
show you right here.

I'll show her.

Oh, I thought
you wanted to see
something explode here.

- All right, go ahead.
- (shotgun clicks )

This is gonna be great.

Sadie's gonna learn
how to shoot

and I’m gonna get
a little practice in
right before dove season.

I wanted
to show you that...

- To show you what not to do.
-..to show—yeah.

-'Cause I was actually
mimicking you.
- (laughing)

All right, get you
another bullet.
Try it again.

This time, try to aim
just a little under it
and see what happens.

"Kay. Pull.

- Yeah!
-Kay!

(both laughing )

All right,
little baby!

You got just enough
Robertson blood in you
to do that.

Si:
Look, the old man's
walking along, limping,

and some cat
comes up to him.

“Hey, I want
all your money, old man.”

Talking about—
talking about,

“No. I'm gonna cut
your arm off, Jack!”

Every senior citizen
should have

one of these cane swords.

That way, when you see them
walking down the street,

everybody would know
don't mess with that old boy

or that old woman,
"cause she will cut you.

You hit him first,
then you take it—

talk about— hyeh—
and fence him off.

Si:
Hey, respect your elders.

And I'm telling you,
if every one of them
had a cane sword,

there'd be a lot more
respect around here.

Now that one there would
go through a ham sandwich.

You know what
I’m talking about?
And not break.

- ( Makes whooshing noise )
- Please don't do that, Si.

I bet you I can cut through
that whole thing right there.

I mean, Si is going around
like a kid in a candy store.

- (makes whipping noise )
-Jase: The problem is

all the candy
can kill you.

There is a hatchet, Jack.

No, don't be
throwing that, Si.

-You're making me nervous.
- What are you talking about?

Let's see
what we got here.
Wow!

- Si, do not throw that—
- Hey, look at this.

- Si, I'm telling you—
- The human race is sick.

- Hey, look here.
Hey, lookit.
- Si, give it to me.

- Sit Here.
- Hey, lookit. Hey.
Wait, easy, easy.

- I'm telling you,
don't swing that around, Si.
- Boy, that would hurt.

Si, you're really
worrying me right now.

You know, you wanna say,
“Hey, little Johnny,

don't play with that,”
but it's my Uncle Si.

- Ninja star, man.
- Si. Si. Sit

- Hoot
-You're a danger
♪ society.

Hey, it's a ninja star.

At some point
in this shopping spree,

I’m probably gonna
have to call 911.

Si, it's a miracle
you're still alive,
I’m telling you.

- Guys, I got
some bad news.
- Uh-oh.

- Couldn't do
anything with it.
- No?

- Oh, man.

That's bad.

Si:
What is this world
coming to

if you can't take
a samurai sword to a pawnshop

and either replace it
or get it fixed?

You know, good grief,
give me a break.

- Si, it's plan B for us.
- What's plan B?

Jase:
We're just going
to get creative, you know?

- (gunshot)
- Phil: Bingo.

- You got that down,
little girl?
- Yes, sir.

She's a real,
real shotgunner.

- Ain't she, Will?
- She's looking better.

Moments like this
are memories

that Sadie will treasure
forever.

And, sure, I'm barely
getting any practice in,

but teaching my daughter
a useful skill

like shotgunning—
priceless.

You've hit as many
as your dad, almost.

Those first ones don't count.
I was teaching her.

- Pull.
- (gunshot)

Ah!

Uh, did that one count?

I'm gonna show him
how to do it.

- Don't listen to that.
- Pull.

That's two for me.

Pull.

- Ah!
- Phil: Uh-oh!

How many you got,
Willie?

I can't hear you.
My earplugs are in.

Bingo.

That's number nine for me.

How many you got,
Willie?

- Willie: Not bad.
- Phil: Your turn.

- Sadie, you getting
all this?
- Yeah.

- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Willie:
She's learning.
Pull.

- (gunshot)
- Willie: AR/

- Phil: Uh-oh!
- Dadgum it.

(chuckling )

All right, will,
you may not have enough shells
to catch up there, Jack.

- Yeah.
- Pfft.

Well, I think
we've lost her.

She's back
on the cell phone.

Time to pee on the fire
and call the dogs.

- Sadie, you learn anything?
- Yeah.

Great, good.

- Phil: Are you
pumped or what?
- Sadie: Yes, sir

Willie: Pull.

Jase:
Man, you shattered it.

Si:
This thing's
a piece of junk.

Well, it's junk now,
I'll tell you that.

No, it was a piece of junk
to begin with.

I'm gonna try to fix
this sword,

since I’m the one that took it
out of Willie's office.

We can try this glue.

All right,
let's try that.

I mean,
how hard can it be?

Hey, you don't wanna get
this crap on your hands.

You probably don't wanna
get it on your sword either.

It's starting to set up
a little bit.

Well, it says
it sets up in—

let's see—
60 seconds.

I think it's set up.
Pfft!

This won't even get you high.
This is sorry glue.

- (laughter)
- Pitiful.

There's one solution
that we haven't tried.

I know what we need to do.

Hang on.
I'll be right back.

I mean, if you're
gonna go, go big.

Martin:
Oh, here we go.

How are you at welding?

Si:
On this piece of trash,
probably not good enough.

All we have to do
is to get it reattached.

It don't have to work.

Hey, I'm telling you,
we can't fix this.

You can't fix stupid.

Look here, boys,
there's a lot of things
you can't fix, okay?

You can't fix trash, okay?
You can't fix stupid.

Let's just weld
this part onto here.

That's right,
that's right.

You can't fix
a neutered dog.

Jase:
Come on, let's go.

You can't fix garage doors.

You want polka dots
or fire?

- Hey, polka dot.
- Okay.

And, look here,
you can't fix stupid.

-Jase: All right,
let's do this, Si.
- Si: Watch out.

Willie's gonna
kill y'all.

All right, boys.
Let's get it.

Hey, now it's a blade
with craftsmanship, boys.

Jase:
Fairly straight, actually.

Si:
All right, Jet's go
put it back in his office.

Willie'll never notice it.

- Good as new.
- Not gonna work.

As long as the sword
is in his peripheral vision.

Epic fail.

(duck call squawks )

Korie:
How was it?

The time I actually
got to shoot was fun.

I thought you were
taking her to shoot.

I was.

There's nothing like
spending a day on the range

with your beautiful
daughter...

I shot three times.

Willie.

...only to have her
sell you out to her mom
the first chance she gets.

Hey, look, I got something
you're gonna love.

- Korie: Willie.
- Love.

The best way to diffuse
the situation...

- I'll be back.
- My goodness.

...is to cause
a little distraction.

What did you do
the whole time?

Using my cell
to take pictures.

All that did
was buy us some time.

- Hey. Hey, hey.
- Oh, hey. How y'all doing?

What's up
with your hat?

Oh. Give me that.

- That was your napping hat?
- Jase: A napping hat?

Really?

Both: Yeah.

Actually,
that's believable.

- Well, we're gonna
get out of here.
- Korie: Y'all going?

We've had a long day.
Eh-hey, Willie!

- Si: Good to see you, Will.
- There he is.

- What's up with that?
- Korie: That's the samurai
sword.

Yeah, we saw it.

Be careful
with that, now.

- It'll cut you.
- Yeah, that thing's sharp.

Be careful, Sadie.

That's really not
for kids, now.

Willie:
Be careful
with that thing.

(Si gasps )

- You broke it.
- Sadie.

I bare— 1| really—
I barely touched it,
I promise.

Why's it all burnt?

Look, there comes a time
in every man's life

where he can either hide
and be a coward

or he can stand up
and tell the truth.

Si broke it.

Hey, you're the one
who stole it

out of his office,
you big tattletale.

You're a terrible welder!

I know I was the one
that broke the sword,

but, hey, Jase just put it
in my back.

Good night.

Hey, I'm sorry
about your sword,

but I'm telling you,
that's a piece of junk.

Willie:
Someone owes me
a samurai sword.

Sadie:
You were trying
to blame me.

Phil:
Father, we thank You
for another good day.

I do pray, Father,
You bless Sadie

as she learns
how to shoot.

Help us love each other more
and love You more each day.

-Amen.
- All: Amen.

Willie:
The Robertsons
may not look like

the ancient samurai
of japan.

Okay, we probably seem about
as far from them as can be,

but when you get down to it,
we are strikingly similar.

What was important
to them—

family, honor,
weapons, camo—

is important to us.

And most importantly,
Just like the samurai,

when the Robertsons
band together,

we're a force
to be reckoned with.

St
Hey, Willie, look here.

I'll take you to the pawnshop
and we'll replace that sword.

Jase:
I wouldn't risk that
if I were you, Willie.

(laughter)