Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - Good Morning, West Monroe - full transcript
After Korie decides the junk piles in the Duck Commander warehouse are beginning to reach critical mass, she calls on Willie and the guys to do a little company spring-cleaning.
All right, look.
It's coming back on.
♪ Well he talks
kinda funny... It
- This is all right here.
- Yeah, I like that.
- Music stop.
-..listen to
Mountain Man. >
Mountain Man on radio:
Hey there, West Monroe.
I'd like to welcome y'all
to the Mountain Man Show.
Will be here with you
for a little while.
Jase:
Here's a guy
who gets paid
to talk slow.
His name is Mountain Man.
Jase:
This is an outdoors show.
It's more like
a stand-up comedy routine.
I don't know what
you guys are talking about.
Mountain Man's
got a great show.
Mountain Man:
I think some rain's coming in.
My knee's swelling.
He's forecasting weather
by his knee.
Hey, your knee hurts—
okay, it's fixin' to rain.
Turning blue—
means cold outside.
Get back inside, Jack.
- Here you go. Listen.
- We're gonna have
a real expert—
Willie Robertson
from Duck Commander...
(laughing )
When did Willie
become an expert?
Willie ain't
an expert at nothin'.
Except being a party pooper.
He's pooped more parties
than any man I know.
They got Willie the expert?
Why not let me
tag along, too?
Si, there's no way
Willie's gonna let you
go on there with him.
I"m just gonna get
in the truck.
- (laughing)
- This is gonna be awesome!
Godwin:
You can't spell radio
without 5.
-Jase: Can I buy an S?
- (laughing)
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
- ( blows duck call )
- What's up, guys?
- ( Burps )}
- I got—
-Jep: Excuse me.
- (chuckles)
If it comes up again,
we'll vote on it.
You got those Burnt Hedges?
Grant said he gave the order.
I am in the process...
( mimics Mountain Man)
of making the Burnt Hedges.
- That's gonna take a while.
-Jase, I ain't got time
for this crap.
Mr. Robertson,
being an expert
in the outdoors,
what do you think's
the most dangerous game
on the planet?
-Oh, I get it.
- (laughing)
- Anything? Anything?
- I'm doing a radio show.
So what?
Jase:
Willie thinks this is
some kind of spotlight.
So he can show off
his vast knowledge
of the outdoors.
People listen
to that to laugh.
Nobody's listening
to it to hear some talk
on the outdoors.
- Now they will.
- This is not an outdoors show.
It's a comedy.
- Hey, I'm gonna go with you.
- Good idea right there.
Hey, Tonto.
I don't need a sidekick.
Hey, I used to be
a radio man in Nam.
- What station were you on?
- Hey, I was on WNAM.
W-Nam?
Willie:
It seems that
as Si's gotten older,
his whole war experience
has grown right along
with him.
By the time he dies,
he's gonna have
fought the whole thing
single-handedly.
- You just made that up.
- I didn't make that up.
That was the radio station.
- What the W stand for?
- Hey, we had a war
going on in Nam.
- So, hey, we named it WNAM.
- (laughing)
I gotta draw you boys
a picture on everything!
You remember the movie
“Good Morning, Vietnam”?
Hey, I was
good afternoon, Vietnam.
It was probably my idea
that made him famous.
Okay?
He's ridin' on my back.
Fine.
You can go with me.
- All right.
- Mm. This is gonna be good.
Don't touch anything.
Don't say anything.
You're not going on
the radio.
-You'll never know I'm there.
- I think it's a good idea.
That's a terrible idea!
This will be the most
anticipated radio show ever.
Get the calls made,
all right?
(all mimic Mountain Man )
We'll get right on that.
- Martin: He gone.
- (laughing)
(rooster crows )
Jase:
Everybody's fired up
about the Olympics.
They need to have
a redneck Olympics.
Lookie there.
See, Godwin could
enter the contest
for wheelbarrowing.
-Yup.
- That's good.
Jase:
I'm not too excited
about doing yard work,
but my wife is putting
the pressure on me
to spruce up our yard.
You gonna put this in bags?
Leaves are not supposed
to go in bags.
God gave us
the greatest instrument
in the world
for leaves.
- Fire.
-If Im gonna work that hard
getting leaves
out of my yard...
oh, I"m gonna see a show.
Jep:
Oh, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
One of the most
exciting sounds
to a redneck is...
whoosh!
Y'all, I think
this is gonna burn
the whole neighborhood down.
He put a lot of gas on it.
Jep:
This is really not
a good idea.
-Jase.
- Hey, babe.
- What are you doing?
- I'm burning leaves.
Why when I ask you
to fix up the yard,
does it always entail
something burning
or you destroying
something?
- Babe, there's a—
- Missy: Jason, right now,
- my main concern
is the neighbors.
- Well...
Last time they complained.
- Look. They're just driving by.
- (horn honks )
- Oh, I know.
- Hey.
They saw the smoke.
We sent out a smoke signal.
Jep:
Get you a couple hot dogs
and come on, man.
-Jep, please.
- Hey, they may want to
roast a wiener.
Jase:
As soon as the fire starts,
it's all the whispering
and murmuring.
You burn some
leaves in the yard
and everybody's like,
“Hey, they're burning leaves.
They're burning leaves.”
Then everybody comes by.
They're sending out
smoke signals.
-Jase.
-They're crazy.
There's a bearded man
starting a fire in his yard.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna get
in trouble again
with the homeowners'
association
-if you do not
put this fire out.
- Huh?
Remember whenever
you skinned the deer?
I skin one little deer.
Off the back of his truck
in the front yard.
You would have thought
the world was coming
to an end.
Right when
the neighbors' school bus
was dropping their kids off.
Jase:
Just because
I'm skinning a deer
in my yard and some kids
come by and see it—
now all of a sudden
they're having nightmares?
Just because they see
the carcass
of a deer
that I'm gonna eat...
- Guts everywhere.
-..they're now traumatized?
They ran screaming
towards their house
and, yes, I got
a phone call just about
a half an hour later.
Maybe you should skin
some of your animals
in front of your kids
so they're not so traumatized.
It's my yard.
If I want to skin a deer
right here,
- I can skin a deer
right here.
- Okay, look.
I have got to go,
so why don't you
just go ahead
and clean this stuff up
before we get in trouble?
Hey, by the way,
you look smokin” hot.
A lot hotter
than this fire.
That helps just a little.
You really look good, babe.
(whistles )
Jep:
Whoo! You lit a fire
under her, Jase.
Jase:
Whoo! I'm telling you.
There's nothing like
a hot woman that's hot.
I wish I had some wienies
or marshmallows or something.
- You can say that again.
- I wish I had some wienies
or marshmallows or something.
You can say that again.
Godwin: Okay.
I wish I had
some wienies or marshmallows
or something.
Jase:
Keep 'em coming, Godwin.
Godwin:
I can do it all day long.
Woman:
Hi, can help you?
Yeah, we're here
to see Gary with
the Mountain Man Show.
- What's your name?
- Willie—
- Willie Robertson.
- Okay.
(bell dings )
- And his Uncle Si.
- Okay.
Si:
Me and bells
have always had a thing.
- Whenever I get around one,
hey, something takes over.
- (bell dinging )
There's nothing
I can do about it.
Woman:
Gary, I have Willie Robertson
and Si here to see you.
I can't help it.
Some people have
feet fetishes.
Put it out of my way.
- I got a bell fetish.
Live with it.
- (bell dings )
- Hey, guys. I'm Gary.
- Hey, Gary. How you doing?
Willie Robertson.
- Hey, Willie.
Good to see you.
- I'm here for—
- I'm his Uncle Si.
-Oh, hi, Si. Let me
let you in here.
- I told you to
quit touching stuff.
- Hey, I'm trying.
-Jase: is that a flower bush?
-Jep: / think that's roses.
- Jep: But they
is not in good shape.
- Whoo!
Phil:
Got your fence supplies.
And a little surprise
for you boys. Come on.
All right.
Where'd you get
them chickens?
Well, I'm fixing
to try to add a little
bit of a flavor...
- Jackpot.
-...to Yuppieville.
I consider it
a very positive
improvement.
- Oh, I'll take
them chickens.
- ( chicken clucks )
Chickens.
We'll corral them
to the backyard.
- I'll let them free-graze.
- Free-range chicken.
- ( Chicken clucks )
-Jase: I'll tell you what.
Boy, you talk about
in good shape.
Jase:
Chickens look slow
and we know they're dumb.
But chickens are quite
challenging to corral.
Godwin:
There you go.
Get him, get him, get him.
Y'all don't let them
outsmart you now.
Jase:
We're herding chickens.
Keep that dog on a leash.
Phil:
When you see
a bunch of grown men
chasing chickens
around the subdivision,
I would say America
is making a comeback.
I gotta be honest.
I"m scared to grab
a hold of one.
(laughing )
Hey, Willie.
Let me get you set up.
You just speak
right into that.
♪ One, one,
one, one, one. ♪
What are you
sounding like
that for?
I've been looking forward
to this for awhile.
- This is Willie Robertson.
-When I was asked to be
on the show,
- I took it as an honor.
- All right, Willie.
- You ready to do this?
- All right. I'm ready.
-You ready?
-Yup.
All right. Let's let
her rip, tater chip.
Don't say anything.
Si:
Willie, it's a radio show
and you want me to be quiet—
I can see that.
We're on the air.
Boring.
And we're back
with Willie Robertson
from the Duck Commander.
How you doing, Mountain Man?
It's good to be here.
Doing great, Willie.
Good to have you on
the show today.
If anybody wants to call in
and talk to Willie or Si,
y'all give us a call.
-It's just me.
He's just here.
- (phone ringing )
Hey, Mountain Man.
We got a call online
one for ya.
Z Country.
This is the
Mountain Man Show.
Man:
Hey, yeah. I've got
a question for Willie.
What was your best
duck hunting season?
- Probably hands down
like four years ago—
- Hey, I remember the time
me and him went
and, hey,
we didn't kill
any ducks and he cried.
- That's not true.
-Sure, it is.
St
Hey, it's radio.
It's like NASCAR
or figure skating.
They only watch it
to see the crash.
- He was 19 years old.
- That's a lie!
- Maybe my eyes
were watered.
- No.
You have to give
the audience what they want
and, look, I'm giving them
what they want.
We're not here to talk
about me crying.
I wasn't crying.
There was no crying.
- There was no crying.
- Gee, Willie.
- Do you think— the caller's
still on the phone.
- (laughing)
Now he thinks
you're a crybaby,
I reckon.
(laughing )
Did I just get zinged
by Mountain Man?
Well, it looks like
we've got another caller
on line two here.
How can I help you today?
Man #2:
I have a question for Si.
- What I'm talkin' "bout.
- Do you have any other
good Willie stories?
- Oh, yeah.
One time he got so mad
he threw his shotgun
in the water.
- Willie: /"m gonna kill him.
- Hey.
He's telling lies
to tons and— probably...
200 people
in West Monroe.
-You've never met
a president.
- Yeah, I have.
- He gave me a medal.
- Willie: And he's hijacking
my segment.
This is my reputation
that's on the line.
One time we put blanks
in his shotgun.
- What is the deal
with this show?
- This is a dream.
That's the only
explanation.
Godwin, is that you?
- Next caller.
- (dial tone )
There's no way things
have gotten this bad
this fast in real life.
- This has nothing to do
with the outdoors.
- Hey.
We gonna talk
hunting or what?
Did you ever get
any hunting done?
(laughing )
- (phone ringing )
- What is the deal here?
Looks like we got
another caller here.
Man #3:
Hey, Willie. I know ducks
is your main thing.
When it's not duck season,
what's your favorite hobby?
That's a great question.
I really like
going after feral hogs.
- Get your bow out.
- Si: Hey, I've seen you
shoot a bow
for the last four
or five years—
-You just ain't a bow man.
- You're crazy, dude.
- I'm straight up
“Hunger Games” with a bow.
-No, no.
Hey, you go
hunting with a bow,
you're gonna go hungry.
(bell dings )
- Did you steal that?
- Well, that's about all
the time we have for today.
Y'all be sure to tune in
next week for
the Mountain Man Show
and see y'all then.
- Si Robertson out.
- (bell dings )
Willie:
You're a disgrace to radio.
( Bicycle bell dings )
Jase:
Missy wants the yard
to look good,
but all I care about
is it being functional.
- Here you go.
-You got shiners
in that thing?
- Oh, yeah.
- Phil: well,
good night, Jase.
Now you're getting
somewhere.
Jase:
The surroundings of this
house is 100% organic.
Well, I love to take
a dump in the woods.
- That's about as organic
as you can get.
- (laughs )
Wipe your tail
with the leaves.
I went organic and green
way before
organic and green
became vogue.
See them ridges right there?
That is toilet paper.
You wouldn't want to
squat down next to poison ivy
or poison oak leaves.
Although large enough
to get the job done,
it could cause
the anal region
some misery.
- Phil: Okay. Here we go.
-Jase: Let's give them
anew home.
-Jason.
- Godwin. Oh, yeah.
Hey, how'd
the symphony go?
Forget the symphony.
Guess who I just got off
the phone with.
-Who?
- The chairman of the HOA.
What's the HOA?
I never even heard of that.
The homeowners'
association.
You know,
the people that we pay
our annual dues to.
We pay them?
Jase:
You are trying to tell me
that there are
associations that exist
only to tell me
what I can and can't
do at my house?
And then I pay you
for that?
Are those chickens?
Yeah, Phil gave me
them chickens.
( Chicken clucks )
We can't do that here.
That's part of the reason
why they're calling us
into a meeting
tomorrow night.
Well, you tell
them I'll be there.
I look forward to it.
Jase:
Sometimes in life
you gotta make a stand.
Do I want to?
No.
Is it gonna be
uncomfortable? Yes.
Is it the right thing
to do for the love of
my neighborhood?
Absolutely.
Babe, I love you,
but sometimes I feel like
I"m raising four kids
instead of three.
Hey, John.
Hey, Jep.
She gone.
- Jase: /7 work that out.
- Phil: Rock on.
Mountain Mar:
Z Country. This is
the Mountain Man Show.
Si:
Hey, I remember the time
that me and him went
and, hey, we didn't kill
any ducks and he cried.
- (laughing)
- Willie: That's not true.
- That's true.
- That is.
Jase:
Since this show has aired,
the station keeps
replaying it
over and over and over.
Sit One time he got so mad,
he threw his shotgun
in the water.
And we keep listening
every time it's on.
- Si: Si, Robertson out.
- (bell dings )
- Willie:
You're ♪ disgrace to radio.
- (laughing )
Si, you said
I couldn't shoot
a compound bow.
I own like four of them.
I know you own four,
but that don't mean
you can shoot 'em.
How 'bout I shoot you
in the butt? Then you'll
think I can shoot it.
Good luck 'cause
I ain't got no butt, Jack.
- Ain't that the truth.
- Let's go to the archery
range and settle this.
- Archery range?
- Martin: Great idea.
Follow me.
Let's settle this like men.
Si: He didn't know
about that. Hey, they
got an archery range.
Jase:
Hey, we got a conflict,
let's solve it.
Si:
That's what
I'm talkin' about.
-There's an archery range
in the warehouse?
-That's right.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Here's what we're gonna do.
Jase, you can't put
an archery range in the back
of the warehouse.
- Forget all that.
- What if you shoot somebody?
- Jase: There's your equipment.
- Willie: That's my bow.
- Yeah, we borrowed it.
- Jase: Look, if you hit
the target,
then Si—
his radio career
is finished.
We"ll just disagree
to disagree.
(laughs )
All right.
I disagree
to disagree
- with what he just said.
-Jase: Wait a minute now.
If Willie misses
the target—
Hey, I"m gonna get
on the show and tell
more stories.
- He can even make
some up if he wants.
- Si: That's right.
Hey, I can't wait to see
what the big crybaby's
gonna do when he misses
this target.
He'll be crying
for his mama, boys.
Willie, take your mark.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
- (laughing)
- Boo-hoo-hoo.
Big crocodile tears.
Big ones.
-Jase: Whoo!
- Martin: Hammered him.
- Bull's-eye.
- Jack.
So he can shoot a bow.
Hey, it still
doesn't change the fact he
cried like a big baby.
That is a fact, Jack.
-You're out of
the radio business.
- Hey, look here.
- We never shook on it,
so it doesn't matter.
- Ha!
(laughing )
Y'all gonna put up
this archery range.
- This ain't happening in here.
-Yeah, y'all put up
the archery range.
-I'm goin' to my own deal.
- (laughing)
- Good shootin', Willie.
-Jep, hey!
- Jep:
Gotta make some duck calls.
- I'm docking all your pay.
Jase:
Look at all these minivans.
- It's embarrassing.
- Babe, these are
our neighbors.
- We wanna get along with them.
We wanna be happy.
- Yeah.
Phil:
Yeah, this oughta be exciting.
Yuppie central.
- Man: See what we want
to do with that.
- How y'all doing?
I'm Jase.
This is my wife Missy.
- Hey.
- My parents Phil and Kay.
I brought a casserole.
-That's great.
-So...
Well, Mr. Robertson.
I"m glad you're here.
We're talking about—
when you think about it,
it's just burning leaves.
- And we got three chickens.
- Yeah, Mr. Robertson.
- We'll deal with that
at the end of the evening.
- All right.
-That's fine.
- Thank you.
Jase:
These people
look like zombies.
It looks like aliens
have come down
and taken away their soul.
They're not moving a muscle.
They're just stiff.
10:00 we need to
have the lights off.
Really not a good idea
to have yard sales in
the neighborhood.
I suggest instead of
turkey this year, we—
We have Thanksgiving
coming up.
- We need to get
our decorations up.
- What's wrong with you?
Does anyone have anything
they'd like to bring up
at this point?
Mr. Robertson?
If you'd like to have—
- this is
a good time for you—
- All right.
You could make
those comments
from back there.
That's all right.
We are endowed
by our creator
with certain
unalienable rights.
-Amen.
- Life, liberty,
- and the pursuit
of happiness.
-That's right.
Chickens make
me happy.
They get insects,
they fertilize your yard,
and if anything goes wrong,
you can put them in a pot.
- I brought a casserole.
- If I had to live in
a neighborhood
where I couldn't have
at least the right
to be free—
I mean, that makes me
want to move to
Scotland or China.
-Amen.
-Jase: Flush these rules
down the commode
and let's be creative
and put the—
I just—I mean...
Trying to tear down
some walls here.
Be as it may,
Mr. Robertson.
When you bought your house,
you signed this document
that said you're not
allowed to burn in your yard
and you cannot
have chickens.
-Jase: They got me.
- All right.
I signed the contract.
I didn't know
that was in there.
- We're outta here.
-I"m gonna take that
casserole with me.
- Sorry.
- Sorry. Thank y'all.
Jase:
Here's the moral
of the story.
Get that casserole
and let's get outta here.
What is the moral
of the story?
Phil:
Father, thank you
for this day.
I do pray that
we not be bitter
about our neighbors.
We'd appreciate you
help us in that area.
- Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
- All: Amen.
Willie: You can choose
your friends, but you can't
choose your family.
And you know
who I'm talking about.
Hey, let me tell you about
the time Willie went down—
- Hey, hey, hey. Nuh-uh.
- Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Willie: To the same point,
you can't choose your
neighbors either.
It's all a lesson
in tolerance 'cause you sure
ain't gonna win 'em all.
Today was a perfect
example of that.
Yet even on the worst days,
I wouldn't trade my family
for any other family
in the world.
- Let me tell y'all about
the time Willie—
- Sit
I'm gonna shoot you
in the butt with
that bow, son.
St
Hey, anybody can have
one lucky shot.
- (bell dings )
- (laughing)
It's coming back on.
♪ Well he talks
kinda funny... It
- This is all right here.
- Yeah, I like that.
- Music stop.
-..listen to
Mountain Man. >
Mountain Man on radio:
Hey there, West Monroe.
I'd like to welcome y'all
to the Mountain Man Show.
Will be here with you
for a little while.
Jase:
Here's a guy
who gets paid
to talk slow.
His name is Mountain Man.
Jase:
This is an outdoors show.
It's more like
a stand-up comedy routine.
I don't know what
you guys are talking about.
Mountain Man's
got a great show.
Mountain Man:
I think some rain's coming in.
My knee's swelling.
He's forecasting weather
by his knee.
Hey, your knee hurts—
okay, it's fixin' to rain.
Turning blue—
means cold outside.
Get back inside, Jack.
- Here you go. Listen.
- We're gonna have
a real expert—
Willie Robertson
from Duck Commander...
(laughing )
When did Willie
become an expert?
Willie ain't
an expert at nothin'.
Except being a party pooper.
He's pooped more parties
than any man I know.
They got Willie the expert?
Why not let me
tag along, too?
Si, there's no way
Willie's gonna let you
go on there with him.
I"m just gonna get
in the truck.
- (laughing)
- This is gonna be awesome!
Godwin:
You can't spell radio
without 5.
-Jase: Can I buy an S?
- (laughing)
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
- ( blows duck call )
- What's up, guys?
- ( Burps )}
- I got—
-Jep: Excuse me.
- (chuckles)
If it comes up again,
we'll vote on it.
You got those Burnt Hedges?
Grant said he gave the order.
I am in the process...
( mimics Mountain Man)
of making the Burnt Hedges.
- That's gonna take a while.
-Jase, I ain't got time
for this crap.
Mr. Robertson,
being an expert
in the outdoors,
what do you think's
the most dangerous game
on the planet?
-Oh, I get it.
- (laughing)
- Anything? Anything?
- I'm doing a radio show.
So what?
Jase:
Willie thinks this is
some kind of spotlight.
So he can show off
his vast knowledge
of the outdoors.
People listen
to that to laugh.
Nobody's listening
to it to hear some talk
on the outdoors.
- Now they will.
- This is not an outdoors show.
It's a comedy.
- Hey, I'm gonna go with you.
- Good idea right there.
Hey, Tonto.
I don't need a sidekick.
Hey, I used to be
a radio man in Nam.
- What station were you on?
- Hey, I was on WNAM.
W-Nam?
Willie:
It seems that
as Si's gotten older,
his whole war experience
has grown right along
with him.
By the time he dies,
he's gonna have
fought the whole thing
single-handedly.
- You just made that up.
- I didn't make that up.
That was the radio station.
- What the W stand for?
- Hey, we had a war
going on in Nam.
- So, hey, we named it WNAM.
- (laughing)
I gotta draw you boys
a picture on everything!
You remember the movie
“Good Morning, Vietnam”?
Hey, I was
good afternoon, Vietnam.
It was probably my idea
that made him famous.
Okay?
He's ridin' on my back.
Fine.
You can go with me.
- All right.
- Mm. This is gonna be good.
Don't touch anything.
Don't say anything.
You're not going on
the radio.
-You'll never know I'm there.
- I think it's a good idea.
That's a terrible idea!
This will be the most
anticipated radio show ever.
Get the calls made,
all right?
(all mimic Mountain Man )
We'll get right on that.
- Martin: He gone.
- (laughing)
(rooster crows )
Jase:
Everybody's fired up
about the Olympics.
They need to have
a redneck Olympics.
Lookie there.
See, Godwin could
enter the contest
for wheelbarrowing.
-Yup.
- That's good.
Jase:
I'm not too excited
about doing yard work,
but my wife is putting
the pressure on me
to spruce up our yard.
You gonna put this in bags?
Leaves are not supposed
to go in bags.
God gave us
the greatest instrument
in the world
for leaves.
- Fire.
-If Im gonna work that hard
getting leaves
out of my yard...
oh, I"m gonna see a show.
Jep:
Oh, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
One of the most
exciting sounds
to a redneck is...
whoosh!
Y'all, I think
this is gonna burn
the whole neighborhood down.
He put a lot of gas on it.
Jep:
This is really not
a good idea.
-Jase.
- Hey, babe.
- What are you doing?
- I'm burning leaves.
Why when I ask you
to fix up the yard,
does it always entail
something burning
or you destroying
something?
- Babe, there's a—
- Missy: Jason, right now,
- my main concern
is the neighbors.
- Well...
Last time they complained.
- Look. They're just driving by.
- (horn honks )
- Oh, I know.
- Hey.
They saw the smoke.
We sent out a smoke signal.
Jep:
Get you a couple hot dogs
and come on, man.
-Jep, please.
- Hey, they may want to
roast a wiener.
Jase:
As soon as the fire starts,
it's all the whispering
and murmuring.
You burn some
leaves in the yard
and everybody's like,
“Hey, they're burning leaves.
They're burning leaves.”
Then everybody comes by.
They're sending out
smoke signals.
-Jase.
-They're crazy.
There's a bearded man
starting a fire in his yard.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna get
in trouble again
with the homeowners'
association
-if you do not
put this fire out.
- Huh?
Remember whenever
you skinned the deer?
I skin one little deer.
Off the back of his truck
in the front yard.
You would have thought
the world was coming
to an end.
Right when
the neighbors' school bus
was dropping their kids off.
Jase:
Just because
I'm skinning a deer
in my yard and some kids
come by and see it—
now all of a sudden
they're having nightmares?
Just because they see
the carcass
of a deer
that I'm gonna eat...
- Guts everywhere.
-..they're now traumatized?
They ran screaming
towards their house
and, yes, I got
a phone call just about
a half an hour later.
Maybe you should skin
some of your animals
in front of your kids
so they're not so traumatized.
It's my yard.
If I want to skin a deer
right here,
- I can skin a deer
right here.
- Okay, look.
I have got to go,
so why don't you
just go ahead
and clean this stuff up
before we get in trouble?
Hey, by the way,
you look smokin” hot.
A lot hotter
than this fire.
That helps just a little.
You really look good, babe.
(whistles )
Jep:
Whoo! You lit a fire
under her, Jase.
Jase:
Whoo! I'm telling you.
There's nothing like
a hot woman that's hot.
I wish I had some wienies
or marshmallows or something.
- You can say that again.
- I wish I had some wienies
or marshmallows or something.
You can say that again.
Godwin: Okay.
I wish I had
some wienies or marshmallows
or something.
Jase:
Keep 'em coming, Godwin.
Godwin:
I can do it all day long.
Woman:
Hi, can help you?
Yeah, we're here
to see Gary with
the Mountain Man Show.
- What's your name?
- Willie—
- Willie Robertson.
- Okay.
(bell dings )
- And his Uncle Si.
- Okay.
Si:
Me and bells
have always had a thing.
- Whenever I get around one,
hey, something takes over.
- (bell dinging )
There's nothing
I can do about it.
Woman:
Gary, I have Willie Robertson
and Si here to see you.
I can't help it.
Some people have
feet fetishes.
Put it out of my way.
- I got a bell fetish.
Live with it.
- (bell dings )
- Hey, guys. I'm Gary.
- Hey, Gary. How you doing?
Willie Robertson.
- Hey, Willie.
Good to see you.
- I'm here for—
- I'm his Uncle Si.
-Oh, hi, Si. Let me
let you in here.
- I told you to
quit touching stuff.
- Hey, I'm trying.
-Jase: is that a flower bush?
-Jep: / think that's roses.
- Jep: But they
is not in good shape.
- Whoo!
Phil:
Got your fence supplies.
And a little surprise
for you boys. Come on.
All right.
Where'd you get
them chickens?
Well, I'm fixing
to try to add a little
bit of a flavor...
- Jackpot.
-...to Yuppieville.
I consider it
a very positive
improvement.
- Oh, I'll take
them chickens.
- ( chicken clucks )
Chickens.
We'll corral them
to the backyard.
- I'll let them free-graze.
- Free-range chicken.
- ( Chicken clucks )
-Jase: I'll tell you what.
Boy, you talk about
in good shape.
Jase:
Chickens look slow
and we know they're dumb.
But chickens are quite
challenging to corral.
Godwin:
There you go.
Get him, get him, get him.
Y'all don't let them
outsmart you now.
Jase:
We're herding chickens.
Keep that dog on a leash.
Phil:
When you see
a bunch of grown men
chasing chickens
around the subdivision,
I would say America
is making a comeback.
I gotta be honest.
I"m scared to grab
a hold of one.
(laughing )
Hey, Willie.
Let me get you set up.
You just speak
right into that.
♪ One, one,
one, one, one. ♪
What are you
sounding like
that for?
I've been looking forward
to this for awhile.
- This is Willie Robertson.
-When I was asked to be
on the show,
- I took it as an honor.
- All right, Willie.
- You ready to do this?
- All right. I'm ready.
-You ready?
-Yup.
All right. Let's let
her rip, tater chip.
Don't say anything.
Si:
Willie, it's a radio show
and you want me to be quiet—
I can see that.
We're on the air.
Boring.
And we're back
with Willie Robertson
from the Duck Commander.
How you doing, Mountain Man?
It's good to be here.
Doing great, Willie.
Good to have you on
the show today.
If anybody wants to call in
and talk to Willie or Si,
y'all give us a call.
-It's just me.
He's just here.
- (phone ringing )
Hey, Mountain Man.
We got a call online
one for ya.
Z Country.
This is the
Mountain Man Show.
Man:
Hey, yeah. I've got
a question for Willie.
What was your best
duck hunting season?
- Probably hands down
like four years ago—
- Hey, I remember the time
me and him went
and, hey,
we didn't kill
any ducks and he cried.
- That's not true.
-Sure, it is.
St
Hey, it's radio.
It's like NASCAR
or figure skating.
They only watch it
to see the crash.
- He was 19 years old.
- That's a lie!
- Maybe my eyes
were watered.
- No.
You have to give
the audience what they want
and, look, I'm giving them
what they want.
We're not here to talk
about me crying.
I wasn't crying.
There was no crying.
- There was no crying.
- Gee, Willie.
- Do you think— the caller's
still on the phone.
- (laughing)
Now he thinks
you're a crybaby,
I reckon.
(laughing )
Did I just get zinged
by Mountain Man?
Well, it looks like
we've got another caller
on line two here.
How can I help you today?
Man #2:
I have a question for Si.
- What I'm talkin' "bout.
- Do you have any other
good Willie stories?
- Oh, yeah.
One time he got so mad
he threw his shotgun
in the water.
- Willie: /"m gonna kill him.
- Hey.
He's telling lies
to tons and— probably...
200 people
in West Monroe.
-You've never met
a president.
- Yeah, I have.
- He gave me a medal.
- Willie: And he's hijacking
my segment.
This is my reputation
that's on the line.
One time we put blanks
in his shotgun.
- What is the deal
with this show?
- This is a dream.
That's the only
explanation.
Godwin, is that you?
- Next caller.
- (dial tone )
There's no way things
have gotten this bad
this fast in real life.
- This has nothing to do
with the outdoors.
- Hey.
We gonna talk
hunting or what?
Did you ever get
any hunting done?
(laughing )
- (phone ringing )
- What is the deal here?
Looks like we got
another caller here.
Man #3:
Hey, Willie. I know ducks
is your main thing.
When it's not duck season,
what's your favorite hobby?
That's a great question.
I really like
going after feral hogs.
- Get your bow out.
- Si: Hey, I've seen you
shoot a bow
for the last four
or five years—
-You just ain't a bow man.
- You're crazy, dude.
- I'm straight up
“Hunger Games” with a bow.
-No, no.
Hey, you go
hunting with a bow,
you're gonna go hungry.
(bell dings )
- Did you steal that?
- Well, that's about all
the time we have for today.
Y'all be sure to tune in
next week for
the Mountain Man Show
and see y'all then.
- Si Robertson out.
- (bell dings )
Willie:
You're a disgrace to radio.
( Bicycle bell dings )
Jase:
Missy wants the yard
to look good,
but all I care about
is it being functional.
- Here you go.
-You got shiners
in that thing?
- Oh, yeah.
- Phil: well,
good night, Jase.
Now you're getting
somewhere.
Jase:
The surroundings of this
house is 100% organic.
Well, I love to take
a dump in the woods.
- That's about as organic
as you can get.
- (laughs )
Wipe your tail
with the leaves.
I went organic and green
way before
organic and green
became vogue.
See them ridges right there?
That is toilet paper.
You wouldn't want to
squat down next to poison ivy
or poison oak leaves.
Although large enough
to get the job done,
it could cause
the anal region
some misery.
- Phil: Okay. Here we go.
-Jase: Let's give them
anew home.
-Jason.
- Godwin. Oh, yeah.
Hey, how'd
the symphony go?
Forget the symphony.
Guess who I just got off
the phone with.
-Who?
- The chairman of the HOA.
What's the HOA?
I never even heard of that.
The homeowners'
association.
You know,
the people that we pay
our annual dues to.
We pay them?
Jase:
You are trying to tell me
that there are
associations that exist
only to tell me
what I can and can't
do at my house?
And then I pay you
for that?
Are those chickens?
Yeah, Phil gave me
them chickens.
( Chicken clucks )
We can't do that here.
That's part of the reason
why they're calling us
into a meeting
tomorrow night.
Well, you tell
them I'll be there.
I look forward to it.
Jase:
Sometimes in life
you gotta make a stand.
Do I want to?
No.
Is it gonna be
uncomfortable? Yes.
Is it the right thing
to do for the love of
my neighborhood?
Absolutely.
Babe, I love you,
but sometimes I feel like
I"m raising four kids
instead of three.
Hey, John.
Hey, Jep.
She gone.
- Jase: /7 work that out.
- Phil: Rock on.
Mountain Mar:
Z Country. This is
the Mountain Man Show.
Si:
Hey, I remember the time
that me and him went
and, hey, we didn't kill
any ducks and he cried.
- (laughing)
- Willie: That's not true.
- That's true.
- That is.
Jase:
Since this show has aired,
the station keeps
replaying it
over and over and over.
Sit One time he got so mad,
he threw his shotgun
in the water.
And we keep listening
every time it's on.
- Si: Si, Robertson out.
- (bell dings )
- Willie:
You're ♪ disgrace to radio.
- (laughing )
Si, you said
I couldn't shoot
a compound bow.
I own like four of them.
I know you own four,
but that don't mean
you can shoot 'em.
How 'bout I shoot you
in the butt? Then you'll
think I can shoot it.
Good luck 'cause
I ain't got no butt, Jack.
- Ain't that the truth.
- Let's go to the archery
range and settle this.
- Archery range?
- Martin: Great idea.
Follow me.
Let's settle this like men.
Si: He didn't know
about that. Hey, they
got an archery range.
Jase:
Hey, we got a conflict,
let's solve it.
Si:
That's what
I'm talkin' about.
-There's an archery range
in the warehouse?
-That's right.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Here's what we're gonna do.
Jase, you can't put
an archery range in the back
of the warehouse.
- Forget all that.
- What if you shoot somebody?
- Jase: There's your equipment.
- Willie: That's my bow.
- Yeah, we borrowed it.
- Jase: Look, if you hit
the target,
then Si—
his radio career
is finished.
We"ll just disagree
to disagree.
(laughs )
All right.
I disagree
to disagree
- with what he just said.
-Jase: Wait a minute now.
If Willie misses
the target—
Hey, I"m gonna get
on the show and tell
more stories.
- He can even make
some up if he wants.
- Si: That's right.
Hey, I can't wait to see
what the big crybaby's
gonna do when he misses
this target.
He'll be crying
for his mama, boys.
Willie, take your mark.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
- (laughing)
- Boo-hoo-hoo.
Big crocodile tears.
Big ones.
-Jase: Whoo!
- Martin: Hammered him.
- Bull's-eye.
- Jack.
So he can shoot a bow.
Hey, it still
doesn't change the fact he
cried like a big baby.
That is a fact, Jack.
-You're out of
the radio business.
- Hey, look here.
- We never shook on it,
so it doesn't matter.
- Ha!
(laughing )
Y'all gonna put up
this archery range.
- This ain't happening in here.
-Yeah, y'all put up
the archery range.
-I'm goin' to my own deal.
- (laughing)
- Good shootin', Willie.
-Jep, hey!
- Jep:
Gotta make some duck calls.
- I'm docking all your pay.
Jase:
Look at all these minivans.
- It's embarrassing.
- Babe, these are
our neighbors.
- We wanna get along with them.
We wanna be happy.
- Yeah.
Phil:
Yeah, this oughta be exciting.
Yuppie central.
- Man: See what we want
to do with that.
- How y'all doing?
I'm Jase.
This is my wife Missy.
- Hey.
- My parents Phil and Kay.
I brought a casserole.
-That's great.
-So...
Well, Mr. Robertson.
I"m glad you're here.
We're talking about—
when you think about it,
it's just burning leaves.
- And we got three chickens.
- Yeah, Mr. Robertson.
- We'll deal with that
at the end of the evening.
- All right.
-That's fine.
- Thank you.
Jase:
These people
look like zombies.
It looks like aliens
have come down
and taken away their soul.
They're not moving a muscle.
They're just stiff.
10:00 we need to
have the lights off.
Really not a good idea
to have yard sales in
the neighborhood.
I suggest instead of
turkey this year, we—
We have Thanksgiving
coming up.
- We need to get
our decorations up.
- What's wrong with you?
Does anyone have anything
they'd like to bring up
at this point?
Mr. Robertson?
If you'd like to have—
- this is
a good time for you—
- All right.
You could make
those comments
from back there.
That's all right.
We are endowed
by our creator
with certain
unalienable rights.
-Amen.
- Life, liberty,
- and the pursuit
of happiness.
-That's right.
Chickens make
me happy.
They get insects,
they fertilize your yard,
and if anything goes wrong,
you can put them in a pot.
- I brought a casserole.
- If I had to live in
a neighborhood
where I couldn't have
at least the right
to be free—
I mean, that makes me
want to move to
Scotland or China.
-Amen.
-Jase: Flush these rules
down the commode
and let's be creative
and put the—
I just—I mean...
Trying to tear down
some walls here.
Be as it may,
Mr. Robertson.
When you bought your house,
you signed this document
that said you're not
allowed to burn in your yard
and you cannot
have chickens.
-Jase: They got me.
- All right.
I signed the contract.
I didn't know
that was in there.
- We're outta here.
-I"m gonna take that
casserole with me.
- Sorry.
- Sorry. Thank y'all.
Jase:
Here's the moral
of the story.
Get that casserole
and let's get outta here.
What is the moral
of the story?
Phil:
Father, thank you
for this day.
I do pray that
we not be bitter
about our neighbors.
We'd appreciate you
help us in that area.
- Through Jesus I pray. Amen.
- All: Amen.
Willie: You can choose
your friends, but you can't
choose your family.
And you know
who I'm talking about.
Hey, let me tell you about
the time Willie went down—
- Hey, hey, hey. Nuh-uh.
- Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Willie: To the same point,
you can't choose your
neighbors either.
It's all a lesson
in tolerance 'cause you sure
ain't gonna win 'em all.
Today was a perfect
example of that.
Yet even on the worst days,
I wouldn't trade my family
for any other family
in the world.
- Let me tell y'all about
the time Willie—
- Sit
I'm gonna shoot you
in the butt with
that bow, son.
St
Hey, anybody can have
one lucky shot.
- (bell dings )
- (laughing)