Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - Spring Pong Cleaning - full transcript
Jase:
That is called
divine intervention.
Oh, it's divine, all right.
They're all over the vine.
That's gonna make
some good jelly.
I'll start shaking
and y'all start gathering.
Jase:
Muscadine berries
are the delicacies
of the woods.
- Ho! Hey, hey!
- Whoo! I need a hardhat.
- Let me get down on—
- Good night.
Si:
It's raining
them suckers, boys.
Martin:
Raining heavenly fruit.
Jase:
This is the start
of the process
by which Kay makes
her famous muscadine jelly.
- It's fantastic.
- Martin: Don't step on them.
- Godwin: Don't eat 'em.
- Jase: What are you talking
about, don't eat 'em?
- Godwin:
"Cause I want some jelly.
-Jase: I gotta sample.
Godwin:
Muscadine jelly.
Jep:
We could make some wine.
(spitting )
That thing
tastes terrible.
- Good night.
- No, they don't.
What are you doing?
I picked one up
off the ground and
it tastes horrible.
- Godwin: What are you
talking about, Si?
- Good night.
- Where'd you pick it up at?
- Right over there.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
- Did you pick it up
out of this pile right here?
(men chuckling )
Si, that's a coon turd.
- Si: No.
-Jase: Yeah.
You just ate poop, Si.
Jase:
Wild animals
don't know the difference
between the kitchen
and the bathroom.
-That's a “dungleberry.”
- (spitting )
- Good night.
- Si, you've gotta
get your eyes checked.
Good grief.
If you can't see,
you're just playing
Russian roulette
with muscadine berries.
Well, I was gonna say
it could be worse,
but, uh...
-Jep: That's about
as bad as it gets.
- Martin: No, that's it.
That's the bottom
of the barrel, Si.
Jase:
That was some
funny crap there.
Boys, my stomach
hurts bad.
(laughing )
-I'm going to the truck.
- Si, you need some
new glasses.
-You can't see.
- Martin: He gone.
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY ♪
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
Korie:
I don't know how
they get any work done.
- Is such a mess back here.
- Missy: It's difficult.
- Look at all this.
- Missy, there is, like,
rat poop on the books.
- How are we supposed to work
in this environment?
- It's disgusting.
Korie:
The deeper you get
In the warehouse,
the more ridiculous it gets.
Who put this in here?
It's like
“Hoarders Gone Wild.”
Willie:
We'll get it done.
- Willie?
- All right. Bye.
- We've been in the warehouse
trying to find the old DVDs.
- Yeah.
We cannot find
anything back there.
I thought you were gonna get
the guys to clean it up.
The problem is not the mess
in the warehouse.
The problem is the girls
walking through the warehouse.
They don't get the whole
redneck feng shui we got
going back here.
- Just get the guys
to clean it up, please?
- Fine, I'll go talk to 'em.
- All right. You promise?
- Missy: Okay, good.
- I ain't signing no contract.
- Here we go. Everything's
business.
- Korie: All right, all right.
- Get out of here.
Don't you have
something to do?
Si:
You ready for the serve?
- Boom!
- Why does it say,
“Don't touch the wire side”?
You shock somebody
like Si, it may stop
his heart.
Si:
Hey, look here.
The electric flyswatter—
that's about
the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.
That thing won't even hurt you.
What are you talking about?
- Let's see.
- You swat him and kill him
and then you
electrocute him.
Are you psycho
or something?
I'll do this.
Don't you bring it
closer to me.
I would never do that.
-Y'all take—
- Hey!
Let me tell you about Martin.
He'll try anything.
Jep:
Oh, look at him.
He's gun-shy.
- (zaps)
- (yells)
- (laughter)
- Good grief!
Jase:
Martin is the guinea pig.
Avery large guinea pig.
- Whack.
- This place is a junk heap.
Jase:
Do you know
what that means?
- We're busy. - He's over huntin’em
Hey, I'm on fly watch.
- We got a bunch of flies
running around here.
- I got a new project.
- I know what it is.
- Do you?
You're gonna go
and build us a man cave.
- Yeah.
- Si: We're with you.
That's a good idea.
You give us a man cave,
you wouldn't believe the work
we'll churn out of here.
- Hey, have a little
popcorn vendor.
- Hey.
- Jase: Have us a big screen
movie theater.
-Si: Yep.
- How "bout a nacho bar?
- Hey, I like nacho bars.
All men need a cave.
About three words
in there were true.
We're gonna go
in the warehouse
and we're gonna organize.
I’m pretty sure
that my idea's better.
- No nachos.
- No popcorn?
And no popcorn,
believe me.
Willie:
Some things never change.
Jase has always been
terrible at keeping
his room clean.
We found a rat living
under his bed one time.
We named that
little guy Pigpen.
He was a pretty cool pet.
It's all y'all's crap.
There's a frickin'
stuffed tiger—
- Hey!
-Jase: That's Si's.
That's my tiger.
That's a “Burmandese” tiger.
- “Burmandese”?
- Don't mess with the tiger.
-We don't need
a stuffed tiger in here.
- Why?
- Si, it's an eyesore.
It needs to go.
- (blows raspberry )
Jase:
You know what I find ironic?
I've been around Willie
my whole life.
He don't clean up
anything ever.
- Let's roll.
- Si: Clean it up.
Hey, don't mess
with my tiger.
- What? What?
- (door closes )
What is this?
Look. Oh, they all
curve right.
Hey.
Go for it.
Go for it.
- Are you there?
-Yes, sir. Hey.
- What are y'all doing?
- Playing video games.
They on these
little black boxes.
Headsets on,
look like they made
a spaceship
out of the couch.
Wires—
berp berp berp berp.
- (video game beeping )
- Transfixed.
-Can ya'll hear me?
- Yes, sir.
Can y'all hear me now?
Remove them from your head.
Now we're gettin'
somewhere.
The last thing we need
is more nerds.
Miss Kay wants
some crappie.
Got a big fish fry.
Are ya'll fired up
and ready to go fishing
or what?
- Now?
- Yeah.
Meet me in the truck.
I'll make fishermen
out of you two booger brains.
Get off that thing.
What, are y'all in a trance?
-Jase:
This is gonna take a while.
- Si: You gotta be kidding me.
Godwin:
Hey, most of this stuff
is Willie's.
- What in the world?
-Jep: I believe that's
a tanning bed.
- Is that what this is?
- Let me guarantee you
one thing,
it ain't mine.
Jase:
Willie has a Master's degree
in acquiring junk.
- Does anybody want this?
- Si: What is it?
- A shark.
- Martin: Let's hear
what you got, Si.
- Sucker don't even work.
- You gotta plug it in, Si.
And two minors
in hoarding it.
Man, I don't remember
bike riding being like that.
-Vomit and you'll be all right.
- Jase: And it's not surprising.
Is there anything
about Willie
that shouts,
“I'm clean"?
Si:
Watch the ricochet, boys.
Watch the ricochet.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
- (laughs )
Boys, what are y'all
doing back here?
- We're cleaning up.
- We're working.
- It looks like
you're playing.
- Playing?
-Jessica: Yeah.
- No, we're cleaning.
Si:
Hey, y'all can handle
this clean-up detail.
Miss Jessica's my ride
to get new glasses.
- He needs 'em.
- Where you headed,
the Hubble Telescope factory?
(laughter)
Si:
I got a choice here—
stay at the warehouse
all day and clean it
or I could go sit
in an air-conditioned office
with a quack asking me
stupid questions
about my eyes.
All right,
Jessica, let's go.
These clowns—
Look here, you don't
have to be blind to see
there's an obvious winner here.
- Take that tiger with you.
-You're a grown man.
You do not need a tiger.
Sure, I do.
Me and that tiger's been
through a lot together.
Boys, right here.
I got something.
- Godwin: What is it?
-Jase: Whoa!
-Jep: I got something here now.
- Martin: There's only
one thing that can be.
-Jep: Oh, yeah.
- Whoo!
Martin:
What are we waiting on?
Let's set this baby up.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- Jase: Whoo!
- Lookie here!
- Godwin: Ping-Pong.
Jase:
Lookie here!
Oh, my goodness.
It's a Ping-Pong table.
As it all turns out,
there's some awesome
junk here.
Gentlemen,
I need a paddle.
Jase:
To let this sit
idly by and collect dust
-is a travesty.
- I'm fixin' to strap you boys.
Put your paddle
where your mouth is.
Jase:
I'm good with shotguns,
flyswatters, and paddles.
- Just call me McEnroe.
- Call me Jimmy Connors.
- “Sharapovich.”
- Sharapova?
- Godwin,
you want to be a woman?
- That's a good-looking woman.
-You ready?
- I'm ready.
-Oh.
- Martin. Oh, ho, ho.
- Godwin: Of/
-Jase: Oh, yeah!
- Lost opportunity.
-Jase: Greed's a killer.
- 1-nothing.
- Martin: I got winner.
You never grow out of wanting
to play Ping-Pong.
-7-3.
-1"m not saying
I’m the best Robertson...
- Martin: I got $20 on Jase.
- Ahh.
-...but I usually win.
- Game point.
- Yeah!
- (whooping )
- Red-belly rules.
- Pay up, son.
- You know what to do.
- Jase: Everyone likes
a little violence.
- All right, here we go.
- All: Oh!
Jase:
We had to think a while.
How can we make
Ping-Pong more violent?
Oh.
- Red-belly rules.
- Jep: Red-belly!
- Oh, it's painful.
- All: Ooh!!
- But that's half the fun.
- Martin: Red-belly.
(men chanting )
Red-belly, red-belly.
Martin:
Make it hurt.
All: Ooh!
- Martin: Center mass.
- What is this?
- We found a Ping-Pong table.
- I can see that, John.
You're supposed to be
cleaning up the warehouse,
not playin' Ping-Pong.
We straightened up
a little bit.
- What?
- Go back to the duck call
room and work.
- Let's play one point.
- No. This is over.
1-0.
(laughs )
Jase has been trying to
goad me into competitions
ever since I was a kid.
- I'm not playing Ping-Pong.
- I know. I see that.
-Jase, I’m 40 years old.
- That doesn't even count.
- I wasn't even ready.
- You wouldn't have
hit it anyway.
Those schoolyard tactics
ain't gonna work anymore.
It's nothing-nothing.
That didn't count.
- Martin:
Starts now. Game starts now.
-Jase: All right, starts now.
All: OH!
Martin:
Uh-oh. The boss
has got some tricks.
Just to be clear,
I'm only doing this
so they'll get back to work.
- I to nothing.
- Here we go.
We’ll go to seven.
Junior Olympic team, son.
Si:
I think it's this one
up here on the right.
No, that's the wrong
type building.
-It's bound to be that one
up there on the left.
- Si.
Si:
It's been a while
since I've been there,
but, hey, look,
I use my Si senses.
Hey, I know this town
like the back of my hand.
This ain't the right way.
We need to turn around.
We've turned around
four times.
- I know, but, hey,
this ain't the right way.
- Oh, Si.
Hey, look here.
My senses were a little off.
How long has it been
since you've been?
- Probably 10 years.
-Si...
Hey, I haven't been
to the eye doctor
in 10 years,
but, look,
nothing's changed
since the "90s.
Hey, look here.
Turn on the radio,
there's the “Flu Fighters.”
Yours might be
retired by now
-if you haven't been there
in 10 years.
- Well...
I’m beginning to think
that Si
-is giving me
the run-around.
- He may be out of business.
He's trying to get out
of going to the doctor
and cleaning.
I don't think so, buddy.
- What does that sign say?
- The one up there
with an arrow?
- No, this one right here.
-“Junction LA 557.”
Si, you can't
read that sign?
Well, that's a little
ol' bitty sign.
You know what, Si?
Forget it.
We're going to my doctor.
We can't do this all day.
I think it's right up here
on the right, Jessica.
- That's a forest.
It's just trees.
- All right, look here.
Jessica:
There's nothing up there.
(quacking)
Phil:
Look at that.
You see that rod bending?
Y'all trying to tell me
that's better than
video games?
Oh, Jasper.
He'll eat in a bind.
What's on a video game?
What are you looking at?
Huh?
It's like TV
that you can control.
What does that mean?
What are you controlling?
Like, the game.
Phil:
There's a distinct
possibility
I may not be in touch
with the young people
of America.
Y'all make good grades.
How come you're so quiet?
Quiet, quiet.
It's hard to figure.
What do these modern-day
girls up there y'all
foolin' with now—
what do they think about
video games, Cole, man?
Do they play
video games, too?
Yes, sir.
Find a fast-talking woman
and that'll pick up the slack
On yall's lack
of conversation.
Um...
I understand the problem
they're facing—
the women of America.
“What's your grandson
good for, Mr. Robertson?”
Well, they're real good
at these— these video games,
you know?
"Cause so far,
y'all just smile
and look at the ground.
Then smile again,
look at the ground again.
Phil:
It just seems like
it's hard for all these kids
to function
without something
attached to their ear.
And it's just
a constant barrage—
Facebook, “my page,”
“your page,” “his page.”
Do y'all ever come up with
kind of a pretty brisk
conversation
about today's events—
politics, sports?
You know, you think about it,
there's along distance
between video games
and me.
(laughs )
Y'all might ought
to go by Walmart
and pick you up
a personality, you reckon?
Man.
Oh!
This is a Ping-Pong
battle royale spectacular.
- Bring it!
- Martin: Now he's ready.
- All: Off
- I mean, I'm pretty much
dominating.
-Uh
- All: Ooh!
- Willie's in trouble.
- All: Oh!
- All: Oh!
- Martin: Hammered him.
- Game point.
- Failure is not an option.
- All: Oh!
- Martin: No, he didn't.
Uh-uh.
So my point is
you win some,
you lose some.
-Jase: Aw, man.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the fat lady has sung.
- Martin. Hammer him,
hammer him. Red-belly.
- Go for it.
- Willie: You ready?
- All: Red-belly.
- Look at that.
- Anticipation is killing me.
- Martin: Look at that belly.
- Godwin: Come on.
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Get back to work.
- What are you talking about?
- Everybody get up.
Move this stuff.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
-Jase: What are you
talking about?
Jase:
The suspense
is killing me.
Willie:
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Get back to work.
-Jase:
What are you talking about?
-Jep, get that mop bucket.
- What's going on?
-Jase, get your shirt
down, son.
- Willie.
- I know. This is
what I walked into.
- Don't even try it
-Willie: / know it looks bad,
but it's all Jase's fault.
I just gotta
figure out how.
- This is ridiculous.
- I know, I know.
- I came out here and found it.
- Yeah, with the Ping-Pong
paddle in your hand.
-I'm moving it.
- We had to make sure
this Ping-Pong table
was functional.
It's my job not to panic,
but to turn this around.
- I'll tell you what.
Let's play a game.
- Good idea.
-If y'all win—
- We're not playing Ping-Pong,
you ding-dongs.
- (Missy laughs )
-I’m gonna pull up
a chair for this.
Jase: Look, if] convinced
Willie that this is not
such a bad thing,
what's Korie
and my own wife?
- That's what people say
when they're scared to lose.
- What, are you scared?
- Did he just—
-I ain't scared.
- Huh?!
- Hey, hand that over.
- If you don't want
to play Ping-Pong...
- Korie: Are you good, Missy?
- Yeah.
-It's on.
We get this side.
...you need to exit
the building.
I've been wanting
to spank you all day.
- Hey!
- This was like taking
candy from a baby.
- Let's go. Come on.
- I would say hide the women
and kids, but you're here.
Good job, good job.
I got it.
All: Oh!
Slam!
Come on, Willie, man up.
You're in it to win it.
- Catlike reflexes.
-Come on, now.
We can't lose to the women.
That's embarrassing.
-All: Oh!
- Martin: Oh, no!
Jase:
What in the world
/5 going on?
- Si: What do we got here?
- Don't mess with that stuff.
- What do you mean don't—
-You're gonna break it.
- I ain't gonna break it.
- It's like I'm—
-You see?
- Hello, sir.
I’m Dr. Yager.
I'm gonna check
your eyes today.
- All right.
- Look, I don't
trust doctors, okay?
Take your glasses off
please.
- All right.
- Si: Last time Miss Kay
talked me into going
and seeing a doctor,
next time I know, hey,
I'm having open-heart surgery.
-Is it better this way?
- This cat—he's up to
no good is what he's up to.
- Or this way?
- They're both bad.
- This one?
- That's worse.
- Or this?
- They're both worse.
- Yeah.
-One or two?
-You got a three?
- Let's bring in the big guns.
The boy tells me
he's bringing in
the heavy equipment.
- Is that better?
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- Good.
- Si: Who is this guy anyway?
I'd see a mouse
at 300 feet
in high grass at night.
- I have good news and bad news.
- What's the bad news?
Yager:
Bad news is
you're legally blind.
You've been driving around
legally blind, Si?
- Dr. Yager: You drive?
- Yeah, I drive.
I’m surprised you
haven't killed anybody.
Have you ever
considered laser surgery?
Hey, what kind of idiot
puts lasers in his eyes?
No, no, I ain't going
with no laser surgery.
Hey, lasers are for space.
What is this, “Star Wars”?
I believe we have
some lenses.
It won't bring you down
to 20/20, but it'll at least
make you safe on the highway.
Will he know
the difference between
berries and poop?
- Yes.
-we'll take it.
(gunshot )
Miss Kay:
Just what I need—
some good help.
You're talking about
two bubbly guys.
These boys will talk
your ears off when
you're fishing.
Now I know those two guys
and they're not gonna
talk your ears off.
Phil
If you smile and look
at the ground, the chicks say,
“Now that— that's what
I’m looking for.”
Phil:
They've got all the chicks
after them, what can / say?
So overall, the young
youths of America,
here's a newsflash:
start grinning
and staring at the ground
and shut up.
- Phil: I'm getting too old.
- Well, you know, Phil,
not everybody wants
a man that talks nonstop.
It's America, man.
It's a tangled jungle
out there.
Y'all gonna grow you
some whiskers when
you get big?
-Working on it.
- Have you had any sprigs
of “yang-yack”
come forth from
your face so far at 14?
I do, sir.
- So what'd you do with 'em?
- Shaved "em off.
- There you go.
- We have to for school, too.
-You have to
shave your whiskers?
- We have to shave for school.
- Do they say shave
under your arms, too?
- No, sir.
Oh, just the whiskers.
Yep, that makes sense.
All right, Phil.
We're not gonna take
on the school today.
- Let's just make some jelly.
- Phil: Let that hair come out
of their face.
That shows that
they're a man.
They're not doing that.
That's happening on its own.
- Phil: Whoa, there.
- Kay: Whoa, Phil—
Phil:
Get a little on your stove
if you're not careful.
Kay:
Wonder who's
gonna clean it up.
See how them women—
see how they moving, boys?
Phil:
Women— 3 little
peach fuzz scares them.
They up there... whew.
However, I was roaming around
/in South Arkansas one time
and some old gals
up there—whoo!
Women with whiskers.
It's a bummer.
Y'all trying to tell me
that this is not better
than video games?
This is living here, jack.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, boy.
I thought you boys
were supposed to clean
this joint up.
I thought you was
getting new glasses.
New lenses.
I’m back, Jack!
- (blows raspberry )
- That's more professional.
- Korie: You can
have my spot, Si.
- Let me have that paddle.
Si:
Hey, look in these eyes.
That's corrected
20/20 vision.
Si:
Let me show these boys
how to play Ping-Pong.
Si:
You boys are in
for a world of hurt—
both physically
and metaphysically.
- Missy: Show 'em, Si.
- Willie: Let's see
what you got.
-Jase: Now you can see it,
but can you hit it?
- Missy: There we go.
- There we go.
-Go, Si.
Si:
Let me show you boys
how to play some Ping-Pong.
All: Wow!
- Phil: French-fried
crappie, boys.
- Crappie!
- Women: Yum!
- Jep: Nothing like
some fresh crappie.
Y'all bow.
Father, we do thank You
for the good muscadines
You provide for us.
Thank you, Father,
for the fish that come
forth from the water.
- We were grateful
for them. Amen.
- All: Amen.
Martin:
Let's get on them fish.
Willie:
Robertsons and responsibility
Lo together
like Spar and caviar.
One just doesn't agree
with the other.
We might not enjoy
the annoying tasks in life,
like cleaning up the warehouse
or seeing an eye doctor
because you accidentally
ate coon feces,
but sometimes
when we end up
doing these things,
we're surprisingly
rewarded.
Say, by having
an unexpected day
of red-bellied Ping-Pong
in the warehouse.
Now we just have to finish
cleaning the warehouse.
And by we,
I mean Jase.
Si, you wanna try some
of this fine muscadine jelly?
- Si: That's what
I'm talking about.
-Jase: You sure you want to?
Si:
Hey, eating
a little poop?
- Please, I've had
worse in Vietnam.
- (laughs)
That is called
divine intervention.
Oh, it's divine, all right.
They're all over the vine.
That's gonna make
some good jelly.
I'll start shaking
and y'all start gathering.
Jase:
Muscadine berries
are the delicacies
of the woods.
- Ho! Hey, hey!
- Whoo! I need a hardhat.
- Let me get down on—
- Good night.
Si:
It's raining
them suckers, boys.
Martin:
Raining heavenly fruit.
Jase:
This is the start
of the process
by which Kay makes
her famous muscadine jelly.
- It's fantastic.
- Martin: Don't step on them.
- Godwin: Don't eat 'em.
- Jase: What are you talking
about, don't eat 'em?
- Godwin:
"Cause I want some jelly.
-Jase: I gotta sample.
Godwin:
Muscadine jelly.
Jep:
We could make some wine.
(spitting )
That thing
tastes terrible.
- Good night.
- No, they don't.
What are you doing?
I picked one up
off the ground and
it tastes horrible.
- Godwin: What are you
talking about, Si?
- Good night.
- Where'd you pick it up at?
- Right over there.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
- Did you pick it up
out of this pile right here?
(men chuckling )
Si, that's a coon turd.
- Si: No.
-Jase: Yeah.
You just ate poop, Si.
Jase:
Wild animals
don't know the difference
between the kitchen
and the bathroom.
-That's a “dungleberry.”
- (spitting )
- Good night.
- Si, you've gotta
get your eyes checked.
Good grief.
If you can't see,
you're just playing
Russian roulette
with muscadine berries.
Well, I was gonna say
it could be worse,
but, uh...
-Jep: That's about
as bad as it gets.
- Martin: No, that's it.
That's the bottom
of the barrel, Si.
Jase:
That was some
funny crap there.
Boys, my stomach
hurts bad.
(laughing )
-I'm going to the truck.
- Si, you need some
new glasses.
-You can't see.
- Martin: He gone.
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY ♪
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
Korie:
I don't know how
they get any work done.
- Is such a mess back here.
- Missy: It's difficult.
- Look at all this.
- Missy, there is, like,
rat poop on the books.
- How are we supposed to work
in this environment?
- It's disgusting.
Korie:
The deeper you get
In the warehouse,
the more ridiculous it gets.
Who put this in here?
It's like
“Hoarders Gone Wild.”
Willie:
We'll get it done.
- Willie?
- All right. Bye.
- We've been in the warehouse
trying to find the old DVDs.
- Yeah.
We cannot find
anything back there.
I thought you were gonna get
the guys to clean it up.
The problem is not the mess
in the warehouse.
The problem is the girls
walking through the warehouse.
They don't get the whole
redneck feng shui we got
going back here.
- Just get the guys
to clean it up, please?
- Fine, I'll go talk to 'em.
- All right. You promise?
- Missy: Okay, good.
- I ain't signing no contract.
- Here we go. Everything's
business.
- Korie: All right, all right.
- Get out of here.
Don't you have
something to do?
Si:
You ready for the serve?
- Boom!
- Why does it say,
“Don't touch the wire side”?
You shock somebody
like Si, it may stop
his heart.
Si:
Hey, look here.
The electric flyswatter—
that's about
the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.
That thing won't even hurt you.
What are you talking about?
- Let's see.
- You swat him and kill him
and then you
electrocute him.
Are you psycho
or something?
I'll do this.
Don't you bring it
closer to me.
I would never do that.
-Y'all take—
- Hey!
Let me tell you about Martin.
He'll try anything.
Jep:
Oh, look at him.
He's gun-shy.
- (zaps)
- (yells)
- (laughter)
- Good grief!
Jase:
Martin is the guinea pig.
Avery large guinea pig.
- Whack.
- This place is a junk heap.
Jase:
Do you know
what that means?
- We're busy. - He's over huntin’em
Hey, I'm on fly watch.
- We got a bunch of flies
running around here.
- I got a new project.
- I know what it is.
- Do you?
You're gonna go
and build us a man cave.
- Yeah.
- Si: We're with you.
That's a good idea.
You give us a man cave,
you wouldn't believe the work
we'll churn out of here.
- Hey, have a little
popcorn vendor.
- Hey.
- Jase: Have us a big screen
movie theater.
-Si: Yep.
- How "bout a nacho bar?
- Hey, I like nacho bars.
All men need a cave.
About three words
in there were true.
We're gonna go
in the warehouse
and we're gonna organize.
I’m pretty sure
that my idea's better.
- No nachos.
- No popcorn?
And no popcorn,
believe me.
Willie:
Some things never change.
Jase has always been
terrible at keeping
his room clean.
We found a rat living
under his bed one time.
We named that
little guy Pigpen.
He was a pretty cool pet.
It's all y'all's crap.
There's a frickin'
stuffed tiger—
- Hey!
-Jase: That's Si's.
That's my tiger.
That's a “Burmandese” tiger.
- “Burmandese”?
- Don't mess with the tiger.
-We don't need
a stuffed tiger in here.
- Why?
- Si, it's an eyesore.
It needs to go.
- (blows raspberry )
Jase:
You know what I find ironic?
I've been around Willie
my whole life.
He don't clean up
anything ever.
- Let's roll.
- Si: Clean it up.
Hey, don't mess
with my tiger.
- What? What?
- (door closes )
What is this?
Look. Oh, they all
curve right.
Hey.
Go for it.
Go for it.
- Are you there?
-Yes, sir. Hey.
- What are y'all doing?
- Playing video games.
They on these
little black boxes.
Headsets on,
look like they made
a spaceship
out of the couch.
Wires—
berp berp berp berp.
- (video game beeping )
- Transfixed.
-Can ya'll hear me?
- Yes, sir.
Can y'all hear me now?
Remove them from your head.
Now we're gettin'
somewhere.
The last thing we need
is more nerds.
Miss Kay wants
some crappie.
Got a big fish fry.
Are ya'll fired up
and ready to go fishing
or what?
- Now?
- Yeah.
Meet me in the truck.
I'll make fishermen
out of you two booger brains.
Get off that thing.
What, are y'all in a trance?
-Jase:
This is gonna take a while.
- Si: You gotta be kidding me.
Godwin:
Hey, most of this stuff
is Willie's.
- What in the world?
-Jep: I believe that's
a tanning bed.
- Is that what this is?
- Let me guarantee you
one thing,
it ain't mine.
Jase:
Willie has a Master's degree
in acquiring junk.
- Does anybody want this?
- Si: What is it?
- A shark.
- Martin: Let's hear
what you got, Si.
- Sucker don't even work.
- You gotta plug it in, Si.
And two minors
in hoarding it.
Man, I don't remember
bike riding being like that.
-Vomit and you'll be all right.
- Jase: And it's not surprising.
Is there anything
about Willie
that shouts,
“I'm clean"?
Si:
Watch the ricochet, boys.
Watch the ricochet.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
- (laughs )
Boys, what are y'all
doing back here?
- We're cleaning up.
- We're working.
- It looks like
you're playing.
- Playing?
-Jessica: Yeah.
- No, we're cleaning.
Si:
Hey, y'all can handle
this clean-up detail.
Miss Jessica's my ride
to get new glasses.
- He needs 'em.
- Where you headed,
the Hubble Telescope factory?
(laughter)
Si:
I got a choice here—
stay at the warehouse
all day and clean it
or I could go sit
in an air-conditioned office
with a quack asking me
stupid questions
about my eyes.
All right,
Jessica, let's go.
These clowns—
Look here, you don't
have to be blind to see
there's an obvious winner here.
- Take that tiger with you.
-You're a grown man.
You do not need a tiger.
Sure, I do.
Me and that tiger's been
through a lot together.
Boys, right here.
I got something.
- Godwin: What is it?
-Jase: Whoa!
-Jep: I got something here now.
- Martin: There's only
one thing that can be.
-Jep: Oh, yeah.
- Whoo!
Martin:
What are we waiting on?
Let's set this baby up.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- Jase: Whoo!
- Lookie here!
- Godwin: Ping-Pong.
Jase:
Lookie here!
Oh, my goodness.
It's a Ping-Pong table.
As it all turns out,
there's some awesome
junk here.
Gentlemen,
I need a paddle.
Jase:
To let this sit
idly by and collect dust
-is a travesty.
- I'm fixin' to strap you boys.
Put your paddle
where your mouth is.
Jase:
I'm good with shotguns,
flyswatters, and paddles.
- Just call me McEnroe.
- Call me Jimmy Connors.
- “Sharapovich.”
- Sharapova?
- Godwin,
you want to be a woman?
- That's a good-looking woman.
-You ready?
- I'm ready.
-Oh.
- Martin. Oh, ho, ho.
- Godwin: Of/
-Jase: Oh, yeah!
- Lost opportunity.
-Jase: Greed's a killer.
- 1-nothing.
- Martin: I got winner.
You never grow out of wanting
to play Ping-Pong.
-7-3.
-1"m not saying
I’m the best Robertson...
- Martin: I got $20 on Jase.
- Ahh.
-...but I usually win.
- Game point.
- Yeah!
- (whooping )
- Red-belly rules.
- Pay up, son.
- You know what to do.
- Jase: Everyone likes
a little violence.
- All right, here we go.
- All: Oh!
Jase:
We had to think a while.
How can we make
Ping-Pong more violent?
Oh.
- Red-belly rules.
- Jep: Red-belly!
- Oh, it's painful.
- All: Ooh!!
- But that's half the fun.
- Martin: Red-belly.
(men chanting )
Red-belly, red-belly.
Martin:
Make it hurt.
All: Ooh!
- Martin: Center mass.
- What is this?
- We found a Ping-Pong table.
- I can see that, John.
You're supposed to be
cleaning up the warehouse,
not playin' Ping-Pong.
We straightened up
a little bit.
- What?
- Go back to the duck call
room and work.
- Let's play one point.
- No. This is over.
1-0.
(laughs )
Jase has been trying to
goad me into competitions
ever since I was a kid.
- I'm not playing Ping-Pong.
- I know. I see that.
-Jase, I’m 40 years old.
- That doesn't even count.
- I wasn't even ready.
- You wouldn't have
hit it anyway.
Those schoolyard tactics
ain't gonna work anymore.
It's nothing-nothing.
That didn't count.
- Martin:
Starts now. Game starts now.
-Jase: All right, starts now.
All: OH!
Martin:
Uh-oh. The boss
has got some tricks.
Just to be clear,
I'm only doing this
so they'll get back to work.
- I to nothing.
- Here we go.
We’ll go to seven.
Junior Olympic team, son.
Si:
I think it's this one
up here on the right.
No, that's the wrong
type building.
-It's bound to be that one
up there on the left.
- Si.
Si:
It's been a while
since I've been there,
but, hey, look,
I use my Si senses.
Hey, I know this town
like the back of my hand.
This ain't the right way.
We need to turn around.
We've turned around
four times.
- I know, but, hey,
this ain't the right way.
- Oh, Si.
Hey, look here.
My senses were a little off.
How long has it been
since you've been?
- Probably 10 years.
-Si...
Hey, I haven't been
to the eye doctor
in 10 years,
but, look,
nothing's changed
since the "90s.
Hey, look here.
Turn on the radio,
there's the “Flu Fighters.”
Yours might be
retired by now
-if you haven't been there
in 10 years.
- Well...
I’m beginning to think
that Si
-is giving me
the run-around.
- He may be out of business.
He's trying to get out
of going to the doctor
and cleaning.
I don't think so, buddy.
- What does that sign say?
- The one up there
with an arrow?
- No, this one right here.
-“Junction LA 557.”
Si, you can't
read that sign?
Well, that's a little
ol' bitty sign.
You know what, Si?
Forget it.
We're going to my doctor.
We can't do this all day.
I think it's right up here
on the right, Jessica.
- That's a forest.
It's just trees.
- All right, look here.
Jessica:
There's nothing up there.
(quacking)
Phil:
Look at that.
You see that rod bending?
Y'all trying to tell me
that's better than
video games?
Oh, Jasper.
He'll eat in a bind.
What's on a video game?
What are you looking at?
Huh?
It's like TV
that you can control.
What does that mean?
What are you controlling?
Like, the game.
Phil:
There's a distinct
possibility
I may not be in touch
with the young people
of America.
Y'all make good grades.
How come you're so quiet?
Quiet, quiet.
It's hard to figure.
What do these modern-day
girls up there y'all
foolin' with now—
what do they think about
video games, Cole, man?
Do they play
video games, too?
Yes, sir.
Find a fast-talking woman
and that'll pick up the slack
On yall's lack
of conversation.
Um...
I understand the problem
they're facing—
the women of America.
“What's your grandson
good for, Mr. Robertson?”
Well, they're real good
at these— these video games,
you know?
"Cause so far,
y'all just smile
and look at the ground.
Then smile again,
look at the ground again.
Phil:
It just seems like
it's hard for all these kids
to function
without something
attached to their ear.
And it's just
a constant barrage—
Facebook, “my page,”
“your page,” “his page.”
Do y'all ever come up with
kind of a pretty brisk
conversation
about today's events—
politics, sports?
You know, you think about it,
there's along distance
between video games
and me.
(laughs )
Y'all might ought
to go by Walmart
and pick you up
a personality, you reckon?
Man.
Oh!
This is a Ping-Pong
battle royale spectacular.
- Bring it!
- Martin: Now he's ready.
- All: Off
- I mean, I'm pretty much
dominating.
-Uh
- All: Ooh!
- Willie's in trouble.
- All: Oh!
- All: Oh!
- Martin: Hammered him.
- Game point.
- Failure is not an option.
- All: Oh!
- Martin: No, he didn't.
Uh-uh.
So my point is
you win some,
you lose some.
-Jase: Aw, man.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the fat lady has sung.
- Martin. Hammer him,
hammer him. Red-belly.
- Go for it.
- Willie: You ready?
- All: Red-belly.
- Look at that.
- Anticipation is killing me.
- Martin: Look at that belly.
- Godwin: Come on.
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Get back to work.
- What are you talking about?
- Everybody get up.
Move this stuff.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
-Jase: What are you
talking about?
Jase:
The suspense
is killing me.
Willie:
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Get back to work.
-Jase:
What are you talking about?
-Jep, get that mop bucket.
- What's going on?
-Jase, get your shirt
down, son.
- Willie.
- I know. This is
what I walked into.
- Don't even try it
-Willie: / know it looks bad,
but it's all Jase's fault.
I just gotta
figure out how.
- This is ridiculous.
- I know, I know.
- I came out here and found it.
- Yeah, with the Ping-Pong
paddle in your hand.
-I'm moving it.
- We had to make sure
this Ping-Pong table
was functional.
It's my job not to panic,
but to turn this around.
- I'll tell you what.
Let's play a game.
- Good idea.
-If y'all win—
- We're not playing Ping-Pong,
you ding-dongs.
- (Missy laughs )
-I’m gonna pull up
a chair for this.
Jase: Look, if] convinced
Willie that this is not
such a bad thing,
what's Korie
and my own wife?
- That's what people say
when they're scared to lose.
- What, are you scared?
- Did he just—
-I ain't scared.
- Huh?!
- Hey, hand that over.
- If you don't want
to play Ping-Pong...
- Korie: Are you good, Missy?
- Yeah.
-It's on.
We get this side.
...you need to exit
the building.
I've been wanting
to spank you all day.
- Hey!
- This was like taking
candy from a baby.
- Let's go. Come on.
- I would say hide the women
and kids, but you're here.
Good job, good job.
I got it.
All: Oh!
Slam!
Come on, Willie, man up.
You're in it to win it.
- Catlike reflexes.
-Come on, now.
We can't lose to the women.
That's embarrassing.
-All: Oh!
- Martin: Oh, no!
Jase:
What in the world
/5 going on?
- Si: What do we got here?
- Don't mess with that stuff.
- What do you mean don't—
-You're gonna break it.
- I ain't gonna break it.
- It's like I'm—
-You see?
- Hello, sir.
I’m Dr. Yager.
I'm gonna check
your eyes today.
- All right.
- Look, I don't
trust doctors, okay?
Take your glasses off
please.
- All right.
- Si: Last time Miss Kay
talked me into going
and seeing a doctor,
next time I know, hey,
I'm having open-heart surgery.
-Is it better this way?
- This cat—he's up to
no good is what he's up to.
- Or this way?
- They're both bad.
- This one?
- That's worse.
- Or this?
- They're both worse.
- Yeah.
-One or two?
-You got a three?
- Let's bring in the big guns.
The boy tells me
he's bringing in
the heavy equipment.
- Is that better?
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- Good.
- Si: Who is this guy anyway?
I'd see a mouse
at 300 feet
in high grass at night.
- I have good news and bad news.
- What's the bad news?
Yager:
Bad news is
you're legally blind.
You've been driving around
legally blind, Si?
- Dr. Yager: You drive?
- Yeah, I drive.
I’m surprised you
haven't killed anybody.
Have you ever
considered laser surgery?
Hey, what kind of idiot
puts lasers in his eyes?
No, no, I ain't going
with no laser surgery.
Hey, lasers are for space.
What is this, “Star Wars”?
I believe we have
some lenses.
It won't bring you down
to 20/20, but it'll at least
make you safe on the highway.
Will he know
the difference between
berries and poop?
- Yes.
-we'll take it.
(gunshot )
Miss Kay:
Just what I need—
some good help.
You're talking about
two bubbly guys.
These boys will talk
your ears off when
you're fishing.
Now I know those two guys
and they're not gonna
talk your ears off.
Phil
If you smile and look
at the ground, the chicks say,
“Now that— that's what
I’m looking for.”
Phil:
They've got all the chicks
after them, what can / say?
So overall, the young
youths of America,
here's a newsflash:
start grinning
and staring at the ground
and shut up.
- Phil: I'm getting too old.
- Well, you know, Phil,
not everybody wants
a man that talks nonstop.
It's America, man.
It's a tangled jungle
out there.
Y'all gonna grow you
some whiskers when
you get big?
-Working on it.
- Have you had any sprigs
of “yang-yack”
come forth from
your face so far at 14?
I do, sir.
- So what'd you do with 'em?
- Shaved "em off.
- There you go.
- We have to for school, too.
-You have to
shave your whiskers?
- We have to shave for school.
- Do they say shave
under your arms, too?
- No, sir.
Oh, just the whiskers.
Yep, that makes sense.
All right, Phil.
We're not gonna take
on the school today.
- Let's just make some jelly.
- Phil: Let that hair come out
of their face.
That shows that
they're a man.
They're not doing that.
That's happening on its own.
- Phil: Whoa, there.
- Kay: Whoa, Phil—
Phil:
Get a little on your stove
if you're not careful.
Kay:
Wonder who's
gonna clean it up.
See how them women—
see how they moving, boys?
Phil:
Women— 3 little
peach fuzz scares them.
They up there... whew.
However, I was roaming around
/in South Arkansas one time
and some old gals
up there—whoo!
Women with whiskers.
It's a bummer.
Y'all trying to tell me
that this is not better
than video games?
This is living here, jack.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, boy.
I thought you boys
were supposed to clean
this joint up.
I thought you was
getting new glasses.
New lenses.
I’m back, Jack!
- (blows raspberry )
- That's more professional.
- Korie: You can
have my spot, Si.
- Let me have that paddle.
Si:
Hey, look in these eyes.
That's corrected
20/20 vision.
Si:
Let me show these boys
how to play Ping-Pong.
Si:
You boys are in
for a world of hurt—
both physically
and metaphysically.
- Missy: Show 'em, Si.
- Willie: Let's see
what you got.
-Jase: Now you can see it,
but can you hit it?
- Missy: There we go.
- There we go.
-Go, Si.
Si:
Let me show you boys
how to play some Ping-Pong.
All: Wow!
- Phil: French-fried
crappie, boys.
- Crappie!
- Women: Yum!
- Jep: Nothing like
some fresh crappie.
Y'all bow.
Father, we do thank You
for the good muscadines
You provide for us.
Thank you, Father,
for the fish that come
forth from the water.
- We were grateful
for them. Amen.
- All: Amen.
Martin:
Let's get on them fish.
Willie:
Robertsons and responsibility
Lo together
like Spar and caviar.
One just doesn't agree
with the other.
We might not enjoy
the annoying tasks in life,
like cleaning up the warehouse
or seeing an eye doctor
because you accidentally
ate coon feces,
but sometimes
when we end up
doing these things,
we're surprisingly
rewarded.
Say, by having
an unexpected day
of red-bellied Ping-Pong
in the warehouse.
Now we just have to finish
cleaning the warehouse.
And by we,
I mean Jase.
Si, you wanna try some
of this fine muscadine jelly?
- Si: That's what
I'm talking about.
-Jase: You sure you want to?
Si:
Hey, eating
a little poop?
- Please, I've had
worse in Vietnam.
- (laughs)