Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - Sweatin' Bullets - full transcript

Jase:
Whoo. It's hot
as a furnace in here.

- That's what it feels like.
- This is unbearable.

Hey, I’m like
Frosty the Snowman.

I’m melting down
in my boots.

- You have shoes on, Si.
- I don't know. It's hot.

- Good grief.
-Jase: For the past week,

the AC has been
off and on.

- You can hardly breathe.
- (sighs)

When you get heat
of this magnitude

and you lose
your central air—

you just have to be
creative



about how to deal
with it.

- Oh.
- Is us against the heat.

Who's gonna drop first?

The stench in here
is making me nauseous.

I’m gonna drop
like a sack of potatoes.

- It's too hot to wear pants.
- Trust me, you won't
get away with that.

- Please don't try it in here.
-Si. Louisiana in the summer?

The humidity
is just ridiculous.

I wish I could do
what I used to do
when I was young.

- What's that?
- Run through the street
butt naked.

- Oh, wow.
-Si: Last time
it got this hot,

I blacked out
and I woke up naked.

I was in the middle
of a park.

We're getting
somewhere now, boys.



Jase:
What are you doing, Jep?

I’m making me
some short pants.

Things just officially
got weird.

Jase:
The last thing
I need right now

is for you to turn

your perfectly good pair
of blue jeans

into “jorts.”

You should have cut a little
deeper toward the knee.

I don't want to see
what's in your pockets.

Jase:
This has gone
from hot to creepy.

I gotta do something
about this.

♪ Frosty ♪

♪ The Snowman... ./

Martin:
First sign of heatstroke.

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY ♪

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪

♪

It's 140
in the duck call shop.

We can't work
in these conditions.

-It's a little warm.
- Warm?

I feel like I’m
in a convenience store

and I’m on one of those
little things that go around.

And we're just like wienies,
just staying hot all day.

- Just stale—
- A wienie roller?

No, it's a wienie roast
back there.

You definitely got some wieners
back there, that's for sure.

Jase is a wienie.

He's talking about
this heat like it's his
first summer in Louisiana.

I’m down there
with these beasts

and they are stinking.

-Ugh.
-Willie: if] had a nickel
for every problem

Jase brought
to my office,

I could buy
a really good lock

to keep Jase
out of my office.

We're not working
in that environment.

- Deal with it.
- No, there ain't no
dealing with it.

You got up here with a fan,
I’m back here with a bunch
of swamp butts that stink.

It's a fine mist
and a fan combination.

Delightful.

Willie doesn't understand.

What do you think they did
back in the 1600s?

- They died.
- Nobody is working

in Louisiana
when the air's off.

Jase, the world doesn't stop
just because it's hot.

I don't care
what they say.

If the air goes out,
they ain't working.

We are gonna cool off

until you get the air
conditioner fixed.

-We'll get some air going.
- We've gone to drastic
conditions out there

- because you lost your game.
- Oh, my gosh.

I’m telling you.
Look at what we've been
reduced to.

- Get you some of that.
- Here we go.

Willie:
I know this
is gonna be terrible.

I’m just trying to prepare
myself for the worst.

- Si's beating the heat.
- Hey.

Wasn't ready for that.

Si, you better have pants
on under there.

- Have you peed in there?
- Nah, I ain't peed in it.

All right.

Willie:
You gotta be
freaking kidding me.

It's a bunch of grown men
playing in a kiddie pool.

Oh, my gosh.

Just who thought
it was a good idea
to put Si in it?

The man bathes
like once a month.

This thing is
starting to get ripe.

You gonna create
a Si cesspool.

Everybody,
get your butt in there
and get back to work.

- Fix the air conditioner.
- This is what happens when
you turn the duck call room

- into a sweatshop.
- I’m not paying y'all
to build that.

See, you only need
to take five minutes.

- Come on get in the pool.
- Nah, I ain't getting
in there.

-Come on!
- Are you crazy?

Your body's in there!
I’m not getting in there!

I’m getting in
no body of water
that your genitals are in.

- (laughs )
- Hey.

- That's actually a valid point.
- Get back to work.
Make reeds.

I ain't going
nowhere, Jack.

He's finally here
to fix the air conditioner.

Oh, thank goodness.

We're burning up in there,

but luckily I have a guy
who can fix air conditioners

and give us a quick fix.

- Thank goodness.
- Rough.

- Mountain Man, how you doing?
- Hey, Willie.

Fine, Willie.
How you been?
Little hot in here.

- (laughs )
- Maybe quick's a bad word.

You look a little wet
there, Willie.

Yeah, it's called sweat,
Mountain Man. I’m burning up.

- Oh.
- Just need to fix
the problem and get after it.

- Hey, Korie. How you doing?
- Good.

- Korie, how's the kids
been doing lately?
-They're—

Mountain Man!
We ain't got no time
slow talk.

Do you know what
you're doing?

- Well...
- Mountain Man, that doesn't
make me feel secure.

Yeah, yeah.
I can handle this.

- No problem at all.
- All right, let's go.

- All righty, Willie.
- You ready?

-Yes, sir.
- All right, bye.

See ya. All right,
where do we need to go?

We need to go out here
where the unit is.

I think you
got it suspended up
in the air up there.

I don't know what
you're talking about.
Let's go.

All righty.

- It's actually not bad.
-Jep: No.

- (blowing duck call)
- I’m sweating, but not as much.

- Pretty cool in here.
- (blowing duck calls )

Hey, shh. Y'all making
too much racket.

- Si, you're gonna get fired.
- Hey, ask me if| care.

I’m like an owl.
I don't give a hoot.

Jase:
Willie wants the work
to get done. It's too hot!

The only place
I can think of

that has some AC
is my vehicle.

- ( Blowing duck call )
- I like that.

By the way,
I’m gonna turn in
an expense form for my gas.

I think you're in
the first stages of
a heatstroke.

- No, it ain't heatstroke.
- Hey, what's he saying
over there?

- He says you was a idiot.
-I’m an idiot?

- Yeah, you and Martin both.
- I am Martin.

- Well, hey. I’m just
relaying the message.
- What'd you say?

Well, why'd he call us
an idiot? Ask him that.

Hey, what'd you
call him an idiot for?

I didn't call him
an idiot.

Godwin:
I can't hear nothing
they're saying over there.

All I was saying—

I don't like being
cooped up like this.

- I think this heat's
getting to every one of us.
- What?

-I’m gonna go
get me a snow cone.
- That's what I’m talking about.

- Hey.
- You look like
a Chippendale dropout.

Jase:
Well rednecks,
we don't walk anywhere.

You know how
people in New York,
they're walking everywhere.

- We don't do that...
-Si: I want a sweet tea
snow cone.

You want get
a little action,
too, huh?

Jase:
..With one exception—

snow cone stands.

- Si: Martin needs
a tutti-frutti.
- Martin: Uh-huh.

-Woman: What size?
- I want the one on
the far left.

-Jase: Yup.
-Woman: The bucket?

-Yup, the bucket.
- (laughs )

The bucket.
That's what I want.

Jase:
The very definition
of redneck

means that
you're getting burned.

- Ahh.
- Thus, you have
the snow cone stand.

It's like a winter tavern
for rednecks.

- Now this is what we needed.
- I need a bigger straw.

Si:
Boys, this thing is
giving me a brain sneeze.

Martin:
A what?

Si:
It give you
a brain sneeze.

That's where your brain
needs to sneeze,

but it can't sneeze
because it's a brain.

So it just hurts.

Jase:
I think it's called
a brain freeze,

- not a brain sneeze.
- Whatever it is, I don't
want no part of it.

That's the best idea
we've had in weeks.

- (cell phone rings )
-Who's that?

- Hey.
- Kay: Hey, buddy.

How you doing
with all this heat?

We're chowing down
on some snow cones.

This is just
a temporary solution.

I’m thinking 'bout taking
the girls to the water park
to cool off.

Jase:
I don't do water parks,
my kids don't do water parks.

- Why not?
- Way too much bacteria

and germs
and human feces

in the water park.

Look, get the kids,
take them to Harrison's pond,

and I'll come down
there in a minute.

We live in Louisiana.

This whole state
is a water park

for free.

All right,
love you, too.

Hey, how about
a redneck water park?

Okay, I like that.

Jase:
This is the lifeblood
of a redneck.

There's water everywhere.
Go jumpin it.

- Dadgum it!
- Jase: Another brain freeze.

- Jep: There he goes again.
- Si: He's having a brain
sneeze, too.

Martin:
Man, that hurt.

Mountain Man:
Willie, it sure
is hot up here.

Yes, it is,
Mountain Man.

Your air
conditioner's broke.

- What was your first clue?
- Well, it just wasn't running.

Is it too much to ask
how long you think
it'll take?

Well, it depends
on what it is.

/fit's a little
computer board

or a relay out
or a belt,

15, maybe 20 minutes
at the most.

15 minutes?
That's what I’m
talking about.

But then again,
if it's something else

like a compressor

or a bad fan motor,

we're looking at
around three hours.

I don't even know
why I bother asking.

A Mountain Man
15 minutes is like

five hours
to a normal person.

If it takes three hours,
you're costing me money.

- Mm-hmm.
- What does “mm-hmm” mean?

Three hours? 15 minutes?
Or just mm-hmm?

Mm-hmm.

You ever been on
a phone call where there's
like a 10-second delay?

That's what it's like
talking to Mountain Man.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Hello?

Mountain Man?
You there?

Mountain Man,
aren't you supposed
to know what it is?

Like, you're supposed
to know the problem.

This could take a while.

Mountain Man:
Mm-hmm. I'll get her.

(horn honks )

Gentlemen,
we are gonna build

the greatest water park
that's ever been assembled.

In the town
of West Monroe.

Yup.

We're building this city's
first redneck water park.

It's gonna be dangerous.
We got equipment.

Things that don't need
to be in the water,

but that just adds
to the drama.

Jase:
This is the lifeblood
of a redneck.

You make somethin'
out of nothin'.

- This is gonna end in a splash.
- Martin: Some bigger
than others.

Cannonball.

Korie:
I can't take it any longer.
It's too hot.

I’m going down
to Kay and Phil's.

The guys are down there
making a water park.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

Building a water park?

Why can't you understand
that I pay you to build
duck calls?

Just like I pay
Mountain Man to fix the AC.

Maybe I should just stop
paying people.

Willie, it's too hot.
You can't work in this.

I’m working in it.

- Mountain Man's...
-I’m thirsty.

- Attempting to work in it.
- Cannot do it. I’m done.

- Get Mountain Man some water.
He's dying up there.
- Where are they—

- Boy, Willie. I sure could
use a drink of water.
- He's fine.

He's just sitting up there
“mm-hmm” and “mm-hmm.”

- Korie: Willie?
- Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.
- Get him something to drink

-and come to
Harrison's pond after.
- No, I’m working.

Willie, you can't work
In this. Nobody can.

-Yes, I am.
-It sure is hot
up here, Willie.

Mountain Man,
I know it's hot.

Well, I sure could
work faster

when I get
some water in me.

- It cool me off.
- I ain't getting you
no water.

- Okay, I'll come down there
and get a drink of water.
- No, don't come down.

I'll get you something.
What do you want?

- A snow cone would be nice.
- Oh, my gosh.

Or maybe a sweet tea.

Lemonade.
Grape slush.

Something like that.

Jase:
All right, let's do it.
Let's get to work.

- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah!

We're building
a redneck water park.

But since redneck water parks
don't build themselves,

I’m calling in
the big dog.

You say yeah.

We are about to push
this production
into overdrive.

It's hammer time.

That's Phil.

That's him.

- He's coming.
- Si: Oh, yes.

I got the perfect spot
for this.

- Godwin: This is gonna be fun.
- Martin: Now we're working.

Si:
Hey, start rolling.
What's your problem?

- Believe it or not...
- Si: There's our rope swing.

...this water park
is really coming together.

I can't get out of it.

But when you're riding a
workhorse like Si Robertson...

This is way too much work
for me, boys.

...all things are possible.

Jep, you and Jase, y'all
need to put cinderblocks

on top and the bottom
to hold it down.

Si, why don't you
make yourself useful?

I'll supervise.

One of the key
things about setting up
a redneck water park—

you gotta find you
a nice shade tree,

have your ice tea handy,
keep them boys at it
over there.

Make sure
they stay with it.

Si: You and Martin
ever going to finish
that trampoline?

You boys been on it
about 30 minutes.

Don't want too many people
leaning back on a tree
with ice tea.

Won't get nothin'
accomplished.

You gonna need water
on that to be able
to slide on it.

Good thinking, Si.

Si:
You don't stay on 'em,
these boys is lazy.

You gotta crack the whip
every once in a while
to keep them moving.

- Si, you're not helping.
-I’m gonna take a nap.

Jase:
Oh, good thinking, Si.

I've never seen anybody
eat this slow.

Digests better
when you eat slow, Willie.

You ought to be going
to the bathroom by now.

Well, usually do after
I finish my sandwich, but...

- You done now?
- Few more chips.

You don't have to eat
all of them.

That's it.
Leave it.

Okay. I guess
I’m ready now.

- I can get
a little work done.
- Thank the Lord.

Oh, yeah, Willie?

You ain't got a 1/4”
nut driver somewhere,
do you?

Are you serious?

Willie:
Mountain Man is the best

air condition man
within 100 miles.

- If you got a couch,
I could take a nap.
- No.

He's also the only
air conditioning man
within 100 miles.

All right, Mountain Man.
I’m gonna leave now.

I've got a bone to pick
with some people.

I’m not a quitter,
but with the combination
of Mountain Man,

my entire staff
ditching work,

and the threat
of a heatstroke,

I’m throwing in
my sweat-drenched,
stinky towel.

When I come back I want it
to be cold, all right?

-I have it
cooling, Willie.
- Thank you.

- Can you get me
a grape slush?
- No.

- Well, lookie here.
- The little children.

Mercy me,
look at this.

Phil:
In our part of the woods—
down in here.

You know, a rope on a tree
hanging over water—

everybody happy,
happy, happy...

like that.

- Welcome to the party.
- It's hot.

It's boiling hot out here.

Phil: Doesn't take much
to keep redneck kids happy,

which is a good thing,
you know?

You wanted to go
to a water park?

What have y'all done?

I'll give you a water park.

Jase:
It took hard work,

but we've got a waterslide,
a water trampoline,

a track hoe swing,
and a rope tow.

We have constructed
the greatest

redneck water park ever.

Welcome to our little oasis
in the desert.

Jase:
And now that
the family's arrived,

there's only
one thing left to do.

(screams)

- (cheering )
- Martin: It works.

- Si: All right, it works.
- Martin: Go!

Jase: This is like
Moses leading his people
through the desert.

That's what you do
when you're hot and parched.

Are you having fun?

You lead the people
to find relief.

-Whoa!
-Martin. There it is.

A redneck's relief
is fun!

- Are the kids having fun?
- The kids are having fun.

- Fun.
-It's fun.

- It really turned out fun.
-It's nice.

-That is so fun.
- That's exactly right.

- Exactly.
- Fun.

It's fun.

(horn honks )

Jase:
Lookie who we have here.

Ole Willie
Tons-of-Fun.

Jase:
Come on, Willie!
Quit being a party pooper.

Little light on the fun,
but heavy on the ton.

Better hide
your picnic baskets.

This is what you
missed work to do?

Yeah, what do you think?

Why don't you ever
work like this at work?

You're being
a big party pooper.

Nobody likes
a party pooper.

You're supposed to
do this on weekends
like normal people.

Willie, I can't believe
you don't like this.

What'd y'all do
to this truck?

That's our
redneck rope tow.

- Anybody tried it?
- Nah.

- Why don't you try?
- I ain't doing it.

- I ain't doing
none of this.
- Huh?

- Willie!
- Come on, Willie!

Why can't you just relax
and have a little fun
like the rest of us?

- Hey, I can have fun.
- Prove it.

Do the rope tow.
You'll be the first one.

I have to work.

Come on!
Have some fun!

(all chanting )
Willie, Willie, Willie...

I’m not doing it.

(chants)
Wienie, wienie, wienie!

Has nothing to do
with my pair, Si.

Willie:
This isn't high school.

I don't buckle
under peer pressure.

There is no way,
no how,

under any circumstances
that I’m doing this.

- Korie: That's my man!
-Jase: A/I right, you ready?

Hit it.

Whoa!

He gone.

(cheering)

Jase:
Welcome to the party, Willie.

He went under the water
a party pooper

and he came out vibrant.

It's basically like
a redneck baptism.

Come on in, boys.
The water is fine.

Well, we know.
We've been here all day.

Willie:
I believe with
good work ethic,

there's nothing
you can't accomplish,

even if it is
a thousand degrees outside.

But the funny thing
about work ethic

is that it doesn't always
have to apply to work.

We might not have accomplished
much at the office today,

( clears throat )
like Mountain Man,

but it's hard
to argue with the results
of the redneck water park.

Phil:
Father, we thank you
for keeping us safe

at the watering hole
down here today.

Thank you for this good food
you blessed us with.

-Amen.
- All: Amen.

Willie:
The guys did something
much more productive

than just making
duck calls.

They brought the whole family
together to cool down,

relax, and have some
good old-fashioned
redneck fun.

Martin:
Willie, did Mountain Man
ever fix that AC?

Willie: No, I just left him
the keys. He'll probably
be done in the morning.