Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 5 - Fowl Play - full transcript

Si:
Dave, what are we
doing back here?

I thought we was going
frog getting.

Jase:
Oh, we're going frog hunting,
but Willie's got my spotlight.

- Oh.
-Jase: The plan is for us
to go frog hunting,

but I don't have a spotlight,
and that's like going fishing
without a pole.

Martin:
What are you doing?
Breaking in here?

Yeah, I'm breaking in here.

Well, willie is
gonna be proud of this.

You hear that click?

Si:
Jase, where'd you learn
that little trick?

Si, you've got
to have resources



if you're gonna be
a world-class frog catcher.

- Si: Oh.
- Now I've got to
find that spotlight.

St
It's a top secret mission
we got right here.

You gotta be like
a ninja, okay?

You gotta blend in
with everything.

I'm part of
Willie's office right now.

Oh, we're gonna need
some shells. Oh, yeah.
Lookie here.

(blowing duck call )

Si.

I’m invisible.

Hey, here's my spotlight
right here.

- We ready to go?
- Yeah. We should turn
this light off.

Good grief.
What was that?

- Breaking into
our own office.
- Terrible idea.



- I don't think you can
tear one of these things up.
- There you go.

Lay it like that.
Lay it like that.

That's why I don't
like computers.

Leave it like that
right there.

What's taking them
so long?

Yeah, what are they
doing in there?
They get lost?

There you go.
Right there.

That's good enough.
That's good.

Oh, it'll buff
right out.

Perfect.

It's just like
we wasn't there.

- Let's go.
- Mission accomplished.

- Well, get out of here.
- Let's get out of here.

Martin:
Let's go catch some
of them thumper jumpers.

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY

♪

Eggs and toast, baby.

What happened to the bacon?

I was thinking you
might need to lay off
the bacon a little bit.

There ain't nothing wrong
with a little bacon.

There's something wrong
with this.

- What?
- The cell phone bill.

One Miss Sadie Robertson-

-$328.
- Are you sure
that's just hers?

- 9,300 text messages.
- No way.

Get her down here.

- Sadie.
- That's ridiculous.

- How do you even text
that many times?
- Sadie.

9,300 text messages?

I’m surprised the girl
still has thumbs on her hand.

- Willie: Sadie.
- Morning.

Put your phone down,
please.

- I've got the cell phone
bill here.
-Mm-hmm.

-It's telling me-
- (cell phone chimes )

-It's telling me that-
- (cell phone chimes )

- You owe $328.
- (cell phone chiming )

- (chiming continues )
- (whistles )

- I'm fixin' to throw it
in the garbage.
- Seriously.

- No, no, no, no, no.
-You sent 9,300 text
messages in a month.

Is that bad?

That's, like, what,
three times normal?

-It's a bunch.
- At least.

$328 for texting?

This girl needs to learn
the value of the dollar

before somebody sells her
some magical beans.

- Hand your phone over.
- No.

- Give me your phone.
- Sadie, it's $328.

- Step away
from the cell phone.
- You know what?

- (cell phone chimes )
- Oh, good night.

I’m sending her
down to Phil and Kay.

You're gonna go down there
and help them out.

- Why?
- If anybody
can appreciate

no cell phones,
it's those two.

Mamaw and Papaw time.

- Text me when you're done.
- (cell phone chimes )

Korie:
Oh, seriously.

(siren wailing )

Tell me a little bit
about what you seen
when you come in.

I walked in,
stuff's scattered
everywhere.

My computer screen
was broken.

The door looked like
it had been jimmied
or something.

Look, I jumped
and then I rejumped
and caught it.

- When in doubt,
keep jumping.
- Hey.

- Where have y'all been?
- We've been frog hunting.

Hey.
And we smoked "em.

My whole warehouse
is in a state of emergency.

And, as usual,
Jase and his band
of misfits

come strolling in
four hours late

and they smell like
a gut bucket.

- Lookie here.
- Yeah, I've seen
a frog before.

-Jase.
- Now that's a bullfrog there.

- Yeah.
- “Hey, hello.”

- That's awesome.
-I'm telling ya.

God's grocery store.

- Hey, and it's open 7/24.
- Strikes again.

-24/7?
- Yeah.

24/7. Hey, either way,
it's open all the time.

- What are y'all doing?
- Looks like y'all have
had a break-in.

- We had a break-in?
- Yeah, we had a break-in.
In my office.

Somebody messed up
the whole office.

My computer
screen's broken.

Wait a minute.
I can solve this case
for you right now.

I’m the one that broke in.

You broke into my office?

I wouldn't consider it
a break-in.

- No.
- No.

I got the cops here.

- I see that.
- Hey, Jase.

What's up, Sheriff?

Willie:
I probably
should be surprised,

but what surprises me
is that I didn't suspect
Jase first.

We solved the case
for you.

We gotta go clean these frogs
and then we'll get to work.

- Sorry.
-Jase: It'll be all right.

Can I press charges or-
how do I do that?

( Frog croaking )

There was the sound
of a frog losing his head.

- Oh, he done messed himself.
-Jase: Wipe his tail

'cause I don't want my meat
having diarrhea on it.

Changing his diaper.
Mm.

Y'all keep that up,
I’ma have to leave.
Good Nelly!

I’m about to gag.

Martin's a rookie.
He doesn't know
what he's doing.

- Hoot
-That smell lingers.

Hoo! Good Nelly.
Ugh!

You gotta brush your teeth
and you're like...
(whistles )

- Hoo.
- Hey.

- You need some soap.
- Oh, I need way more
than soap.

You need gas
and chlorine mixed.

- Tomato juice bath.
- Chemical warfare, boys.

You can always tell
a rookie when it comes
to frog cleaning.

Got poop all over
his hands.

- Hey.
- Have you lost your mind?

- What are you talking about?
- Breaking into my office?

Well, the door
was half open already.

- I mean, all I did was take
a knife and go, “Whip dip.”
- (duck call squawking )

- Here's the deal, don't-
- Jase: Why do they keep
pooping?

-It's disgusting there.
- Pshh.

You owe me $100
for the shells

- and the computer.
- (Jase laughs )

Yeah.

- Man, these things keep
crapping and it stinks.
- Hoo!

My hand stinks.

Kay:
See, this is far more fun

than fiddling
with a silly phone,
don't you think?

- I guess.
-You gotta learn all
the secrets of the trade

because, you know what?

The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

But sometimes when
I give Phil big rewards,
then it might even lead to,

- you know,
honeymoon time.
- Oh.

If Phil comes in and sees me
with a little flour mess
on my apron,

there's nothing gets him
turned on more than that.

- You wanna talk
about that, don't you?
- No, I do not.

Kay.
If Sadie can master
making these muffins,

there's not a man
that won't be after her.

22 minutes.

- That's how long they cook.
- Yes, ma"am.

- 22 minutes.
- 22 minutes.

- Okay?
- Got it.

All right,
I've got to go
to the garden.

- Keep an eye on the oven
and I'll be right back, okay?
-Yes, ma'am.

Martin, what's that name
of that little redheaded
woodpecker?

That would be
the red-bellied
woodpecker, Si.

I got one at the house
that is driving me
slap insane.

He's a little junkie
red-headed woodpecker.

- He's a junkie?
- Yeah.

He gets to banging
his head on my chimney.

(yelling)

The sucker's getting a buzz
after banging his head
on a metal chimney.

Si, that don't make
any sense.

Hey, my suggestion-
woodpecker, I hear,
is good to eat.

No, and I can't
shoot him because, hey,

I've kind of gotten
used to the fella.

(men laugh)

Definitely right there,
I think.

-Yeah, I can get you
all lined up right there.
- Okay.

- Keep it covered.
Thank you.
- Thank you.

Lock and load.

How y'all doing?

Jase:
I borrowed a flashlight.
Well, shame on me.

SO NOW you're gonna put
3 camera in my shop?

No. I will put
an end to this.

Si:
What's he installing
up there?

Godwin:
Looks like a strobe light.

Definitely right there,
I think.

-Yeah, I can get you
all lined up right there.
- Okay.

Lock and load.

The idea of having
a peeping Willie-

that's creepy.

My brother's turning
into a weirdo.

I know we've had
our ups and downs
and our disagreements,

but if you put a camera
in my shop, you're a weirdo.

- (intercom beeps )
- Back to your station, Si.

(intercom beeps )

- Willie!
- I knew you were gonna walk

through that door
at that moment.

- You know how I knew?
-'Cause you're a Peeping Tom?

-1"m not a Peeping Tom.
- Is that how you knew?

I saw you on camera one,
I saw you on camera three.

I'm not gonna have somebody
looking over my shoulder.
I’m a grown man.

It's a security system.
That's what it's for.

We gotta monitor,
watch, protect.

You're turning
into a pervert.

There's nothing
perverted about it.

The only thing that's changed
is I'm watching all of it now.

- I know.
That's what's creepy.
- You started it.

You broke in my office,
destroyed my things.

You know how I am
about frogs.

If I get a lead on frogs,
I’m going to get them.

- I love frogs.
- I love watching people.

Pervert.

- Nothing perverted about it.
- (sighs)

- That's my world.
- I can't deal with this.

-You need to get used to it.
-You haven't seen
the last of me.

-I'll tell you
that right now.
- Yeah, I know.

I’m gonna see you
in about five seconds.

-I see you.
- Moron.

(sniffs)
Whoo.

Miss Kay?
Fire in the hole here.

- Fire in the hole.
- Oh, my God.

I smell smoke in the yard
and I thought Miss Kay

had burned something,

which has happened,
but it's pretty rare.

Sadie:
Oh, no!

It stinks so bad.

- Uh, yeah.
I think them are done.
- (coughing)

- (laughing)
- Sadie: Good night.

Miss Kay might've shot
a little high there trying
to get her to cook.

Once you see smoke or fire
when you're trying to
cook something,

it's usually too late.

Maybe we can find
something else for her to do.

- Phil: Come on. Follow me.
- Sadie: Yes, sir.

Jase:
Dizzy darts is the game.

You got five seconds
to throw all three darts.

What are these idiots doing?

(yelling, laughter)

- Hold on, Sit!
- Goodness alive, boy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Willie:
I can finally watch
these idiots

in the duck call room
and I can't look away.

It's like a train wreck.

- All right, Si,
throw them!
- Good night.

- Throw them.
- (men laughing)

Uh-uh.
(groans)

-Jase: Get him.
- Martin: Uh-oh.

Jase:
Go! Go! Oh, no.

- Martin: Oh, no!
- Not even a point.

They have taken slacking off
to a whole new level.

They've done., like,
15 minutes of work

since I started
watching them...
three hours ago.

All right,
everybody sit down.

I don't see
any duck calls
being made.

- What?
- Say what?

Get to work!

- I'm making duck calls!
- You're farting around'

- Throwing darts!
- Dizzy darts.

We took a break!

Moron.

All right, Miss Sadie,
I got a little job for you.

Won't take you no time.

- You see that hole
right there?
- Mm-hmm.

What I want you to do
is crawl up in that hole
about 30 feet.

- Get in there?
- There's a valve.

I want you to shut
that valve off where
I can fix my leaky pipe.

Phil:
With all the cell phones
and distractions

of today's culture,
it's hard to get a woman

Just to pay attention
to something

for five minutes.

Now, Sadie, you're in luck
because most of the snakes

that hang around here,
I've already killed them.

- What? Are there
really snakes?
- Yeah.

- They'll kill you.
- Are you serious?

- Yeah.
- Phil: Send a woman
up under a dark house,

she tends to be more alert
than she otherwise would be.

- Sadie: It's really
dark in here.
- Keep going.

If you see a big snake,
just hit it with the wrench.

What if it's poisonous?

-You'll swell up a little bit,
but you'll be all right.
- Oh.

You get used to it
after a while.

- What?
- (laughs )

There's a Jot
of bugs in here.

Phil: You're the kind
of granddaughter a man
would be proud of

All right, look.

Hey, y'all keep working
because we're being watched.

I'm gonna tell you
something.

I have had enough of this
Duck Commander Spygate.

Willie's been
a total jerk about this.

I've had it up to here.

And the plan
I've come up with

is gonna teach Willie
not to mess with me

once and for all.

To get Willie
out of his office,
we cause a diversion.

That's where
you come in, Si.

-No, can't do it.
- We need a diversion.

I never was good
at math.

- A diversion to get
Willie out of his lair.
- Oh, I can pull that off.

- Okay.
- I'll make you
look one way

and then, hey,
I'll snatch your wallet,

your clothes,
your belt, your shoes.

- (laughing)
-You'll be standing there
naked before I get through.

I’m the master
of distractions.

I'll do a couple
of hand gestures
and then bam!

I'll take your underwear
clean off your butt.

- I don't want you
to steal anything.
- Oh, look-

You need to be
the distraction.

What side
is your appendix on?

- Your right side, Si.
- Okay, all right, yup.

That's what I'll have.
I'll have an appendicitis
attack.

Yeah, and look,
when Willie comes out,
then we'll send you in.

You go in,
get the monitor.

- I like where this is headed.
- I sure do.

Give us five minutes, Si.

And look, then you need
to go to the ER.

- Okay.
- Have a seizure.

Si:
When I go into my act,

Willie will be
transfixed, okay?

The whole warehouse
will be transfixed.

(mumbling, groaning )

Gotta be my appendix.

- I said my appendix!
- That was easy.

Help me!

I've falled
and I dropped my tea!

(door opens )

It worked.

Hey, Willie never
come out there.

Jase: What?

No, he-
nobody come out there.

- He didn't?
- No.

- He's not even here.
- Martin: No, he's not.

You mean I acted an idiot
for five minutes

and he's not even here?

(all laughing )

I may have to go get
the tape and rewind it.

I could be dead
and laying on the floor
for hours.

No, ain't nobody coming.
I could have died.

(all laughing )

And nobody in this company
would know anything about it.

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

- Well, look, hey-
- It would have worked.

- Look, the bottom line is...
-He got it.

Hey, this is only
the first part.

When Willie comes
down here to get it,

we're gonna send Jep
back to his office

and we're gonna
give him the surprise.

-It's a surprise.
- He's gonna kill
every one of us.

(all laughing )

How does this look
to you?

A lot better than
that batch I saw earlier.

It was not that bad.

Oh, it was bad, honey.
It was bad.

I could hardly get the dog
to eat that muffin.

Hey! Look what
we've got.

- Oh, what is that?
- Dive in.

- Did you make these, Sadie?
- She did the prototype.

A whole day
with no cell phone.
How'd she do, Phil?

Well, when they're 16,

- they get report cards,
right?
-Yup.

- I have her skills
and her grade...
- Uh-oh.

-And where she learned
the skills from.
-Mm.

“Sadie's skill report.”

Plumbing.
Sadie did plumbing?

- Went up under the house
with a wrench.
- Wow.

- She's a plumber.
-I’m a plumber.

- Korie: And you made an A.
- Uh-huh.

Source of training:
Papaw Phil.

Very good.
All right, people skills.

An A, and she got that
from her mom.

Aww. Okay, attitude.
An A, from her mom.

Korie:
This report card
was, like,

I mean, really,
the sweetest thing
Phil's ever said.

All right,
last but not least,
cooking skills.

F and she learned that
from her mom.

(laughing )

Thanks, Phil.

I'm-1"m not that bad.

She's burned more than
she got right.

I swear there's something
wrong with my oven.

Sadie's muffins
might have been burnt,

but it's better than anything
I've had of Korie's.

Do you need help
for supper tonight?
I can stay and help.

- Kay: You can bring the tea.
- All right, I'll make the tea.

- I'll come back down
with you next time, Sadie.
- All right, girls.

- Love y'all. Bye.
- Sadie: Love you, too.

- May you never talk
on another cell phone again.
- Thanks, Sadie.

- Korie: There you go.
- Sadie: Us-oh.

Look, look at this clown.

(all snickering )

Si:
Hey, he needs a coach.

Jase: / had a feeling
we were gonna catch him
doing something stupid,

but I had no idea

that he's back there
looking like an imbecile.

Hey, let's yank
his chain a bit.

- (intercom beeps )
- Hey, Willie.

You're pulling the putt.

Release the putter head.

I’m warming up
to the cameras here.

You wanna watch me?
Let me watch you.

Let's go to mini putt-putt.
$100 a hole.

Whoo!

(whining )
I can't find it.

- I've lost my-"
- Martin. Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Here he comes.
Here he comes.

Okay, joke's over.

- Jase: Here he comes.
- Martin: Here he come.

- All right, where's it at?
- What are you talking about?

- What do you mean?
- Where's my monitor?

- I've been building
duck calls.
-Jase.

- (laughing)
- (duck call squawking )

Don't make me hurt
everybody in here,
because I will.

It's not fun
having the same thing
happen to you, is it?

- Give me my monitor.
- I say we do a mutual
compromise.

I ain't compromising crap.
Give me my monitor.

You can have
a camera in here,

but let's put the monitor
in a mutual place

where you're not
just sitting there
watching us all the time.

- Fine. Done.
- Good. Let's do it.

Get the monitor.

- Thank you.
- Fine, you made your point.

No one likes being watched.

Truth be told, I was sick
of watching them anyway.

Best policy
with these nimrods-

out of sight,
out of mind.

-Jase: Good deal.
- All right, get back to work.

Hey, that was the best deal
you've made all year.

- Shut up.
- Martin: Hey, work on
that putting stroke.

Jase:
Willie has fallen for one
of the classic blunders.

He honestly thinks

that I’m gonna let him
get away with all this?

I don't think so.

(frogs croaking )

- (intercom beeps )
-Jase: Ho, ho, ho.

Hey, Willie,
compliments of Team Jase.

Willie:
Jase, you stupid idiot.

- Bullfrogs.
- Enjoy.

All right, y'all bow.

Father, we thank You
for these frogs You've
blessed us with.

Thank you for blessing us
through the years as You
always have.

-Amen.
- All: Amen.

Willie: Being a CEO
and being a parent aren't
all that different,

especially when everyone
acts like children.

On one hand, you don't want
anyone to think they can
get away with murder.

But on the other,
you can't constantly
watch over them.

It's a delicate balance.

I may not have the format
down yet, but I do know
one thing-

the only waste of time
bigger than the guys in
the duck call room

is watching the guys
in the duck call room.

Jase:
Some of these muffins
look a little well-done.

- Sadie: Hey,
I'm learning, okay?
- (all laughing )