Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 10 - Of Mattresses and Men - full transcript

Willie:
Let's get it out "cause
I've got to get outta here.

- Quit being in such a hurry.
- Move, dog.

Bo Bo!

- Willie:
Mom, is Jep up there?
- Kay: Yeah.

- Willie: Jep!
- Don't yell at him
like that.

- He's sensitive.
- He can't hear me
if I whisper.

Well, just get up
closer and do it.

- Don't— good grief.
- Jep!

Willie:
When Mom decides it's time
to buy new furniture,

she typically calls
the Robertson & Sons
moving company

to come help her
get it In.



- Kay: Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

- Kay: Come give Mom a hug.
- Willie: But today she's gonna

have to settle for
one of the daughters.

Jep.

Jep, get your butt up here.
Let's get this out.

-You get up there.
- Kay: Willie, be nice, okay?

- Oh, he's gung ho.
- He's more nimble.

- Willie: Like a female.
- Kay: Well, he's got
nice calves.

- See, Will?
- (laughs)

Jep is the youngest
out of all of us.

My whole life my parents
have babied him.

Willie,
he's the littlest one

and look what
you've got him doing.

- Mom, he's a grown man.
-(grunts)



- Kay: Did you hurt yourself?
- Ow, OW, OW, OW, OW.

- Fingers— fingers.
- Uh-oh.

Jep might as well be
the Bubble Boy.

Mom, you've got to
open the door.

Okay, well, give me a minute.

- Phil: A minute?
- Willie: Mom, hurry up.

-Jep, are you all right?
- Yeah.

Mom, don't worry
about Jep.

- Kay: He's a baby.
- He's got a fully grown
man beard.

Cut the umbilical cord.

- Dude, my wrist is cramping.
You're gonna have to—
- Shut up.

Watch, Jep.
I don't want you
to get another hernia.

It took you two years
to get over that last one.

- Thanks, Dad.
- All right. Let's try
to put it up on its side.

It ain't gonna fit.
Miss Kay, take this
thing back.

- Kay: That's exactly what—
-Jep: Whoa!

- I'm gonna take it back and get
that other one I liked, okay?
- Whew.

Willie:
No good deed
goes unpunished.

You would think
I would know that by now,

but here we are.

All right. Let’s get it
back in the truck.

Jep:
That's all you, man.
/ain't doing it.

(music playing)

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪

♪

Godwin:
Hey, you ever seen
“Die Hard”?

Jase:
Yeah, I've seen
“Die Hard.”

It sounds like
an autobiography
of Si's life.

- (laughs )
- Now I don't get that.
I've seen “Die Hard.”

It has nothing even close
to me in the movie.

"Cause, Si,
of all the crazy,

clumsy things
you've ever done,

you've lived
to tell about it.

One time, Si had
an actual heart attack
while we were hunting.

Martin:
Remember the heart attack
duck hunting?

That's pretty incredible
you survived that one.

And he didn't even
know it.

Jase: Most people say,
“I'd better get to
the hospital.”

Si said, “Hand me
some more shells.”

-That's it. Hey.
- How are you still alive?

Boom.

- Don't hurt yourself, Si.
- (hisses)

It's a mystery.

(gurgling, rumbling )

What is that noise?

Oh, that's his stomach.
It's been doing that
for an hour.

-I'm about starved to death.
-Si. Boys, that reminds me.

Hey, in Vietnam,
they cook up something

that's like a fortune cookie,
okay, but it's sweet.

- Were they like donuts?
- They was the Vietnam
version of a donut.

- Were they hot?
- Yeah.

A hot donut
is one of life's wonders.

Well, they just slide
down your mouth.

Suck em.
(slurping)

- Oh, yeah.
- Good night of living.

Jase:
If they passed a law
saying the only way

you could continue to eat
hot donuts

is if you shave your beard,
it's good-bye, beard.

What's the difference
in hot or cold?

- There's something about it.
- Cold ones, I could eat six.

Hot ones, I could eat 48.

Martin: 46—
(laughing )

That's the difference, okay?

Now, look. They got
anew donut shop that
just opened down there.

- Oh, yeah. Right up the road.
-Jase: We're gonna
ride down there

and I'm gonna tell them
I want a hot donut.

Amen. Let's do it.

- We need a field trip.
- Let's go.

- We gotta sort this out.
- Godwin: I don't discriminate
between hot or cold.

- I just eat'em.
- Si: He’s not a donut
connoisseur.

- Kay: More shopping.
- (Willie sighs )

- We're back.
- Back again.

The first couch
was too big to fit
through Miss Kay's door.

Now we're back
for round two.

Just pick something small
and let's get out of here.

Shh.
You can't rush this.

The trick is
to get in and out.

I like the darker one,
don't you think?

Perfect.
Let's get that.

"Cause if she thinks
about it too long,

she'll never make
a decision.

I’m not for sure
at all yet.

What do you think
should go with the dark?

Like the green
with the brown—
the gold with the brown—

- the green and the gold
and the brown.
-Yup.

Kay.
I tell you, this one
might look better with that.

- Let me see.
- Mom, weren't you just here

- looking at all these things?
- Well, things change.

Besides, I can't get it all
in my re— memory.

- What do you think?
- Whatever fires you up.

Phil:
The biggest lesson that
Willie boy has not learned

about women
is they browse.

Do you think these pillows
just come with this?

That"s pretty,
but not for us.

Now, why would
that say “catnapper”?

Sometimes you just have
to sit back and wait it out.

- Hey.
- This wouldn't work,
but now that couch would.

Oh, look at grey.

Kinda like
a hostage situation.

Check this baby out.

Hey.

They'd never know
I was here and they'd
walk right by me.

- It's kind of
frightening, actually.
-Hmm.

Willie: This ain't good.
Mom is shopping and Dad's
getting comfortable.

This ain't signs
I’m leaving soon.

Phil:
I'm beginning to get
into this furniture shopping.

Willie:
Oh, my God.

- Martin: Here we go.
-Jase: I'm fixin' to prove
a point to y'all.

- Martin: Mm-hmm.
-Jase: What in the world?

You win a free camper
for some donuts?

Godwin:
It's been there all week.

Jase:
You wanna sell some donuts?

You back a camper in there
and give it away.

There'll be rednecks
come out of rocks,

caves, and mountaintops
to eat your donuts.

Look it here.
Win a camper.
Is that for real?

That's for real.
The drawing's today.
we"ll even deliver it.

This is redneck society
at its finest.

What we really
want to know

is do you have
hot donuts?

- I'll have you some
in 10 minutes maybe.
-Jase: 710 minutes?!

- Oh.
- What on earth
could you be doing

where you couldn't wait
10 minutes

for some hot donuts?

If they say,
“One hour,”

you say,
“I'll wait all day.”

Look here. If they're hot,
I'll eat more than all
three of y'all.

What are you talking about?
Hot or cold, I'll eat
more than you, Si.

I got 20 bucks that says

- I eat more donuts
than all three of you boys.
- I'll take that bet.

I’m in on that.
Here you go.
Right there.

There ain't no way
he can eat more than I can.

We"ll start off with a dozen
apiece and go from there.

- Martin: Open us a tab.
- Si: Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't think—
looking at me, at my physique,

but, hey, look,
I'm like a small
nuclear plant.

That's just
my “batapolism,” okay?

Boys, hey, I just want
to put the $80 in my pocket
because I’m gonna win it.

Si, you ain't gonna win, son.
You're too skinny.

Mm-hmm. Run your mouth.
Go ahead.

I’m gonna come in
number one.

Martin:
You ain't even
gonna come in second.

Look here.
You boys are in
for a world of hurt.

I just picked them up
off the glazer.

Martin:
Well, Jet's go with it.

Ready. Set. Go.

- Here we go.
- Oh, they are hot.

- Good night.
- That's good right there.

It's the best donut
I've had to date.

Looks like y'all
are doing pretty good.

I'm gonna check
on the next batch
for y'all.

- Oh, yeah.
- The eating contest begins.

- Three gone.
- I look around.

Godwin is inhaling
one right after another.

Martin's over there
sucking down chocolate milk

Just to keep them down.

And Si, looks as cool
as a cucumber.

Slow and steady.
Just...

(bell dinging )

- That's when I realized...
- Oh, yeah.

I had met my match.

- I have to admit,
I may be in trouble.
- I’m about to die.

Hey, boys.
I’m just getting started.

- This just an appetizer.
- Where you putting them things,
in your pocket?

- Hey, no.
- Si: Hey, look here.

You boys are
a bunch of pansies.

I'm on 22.
Where you at, Si?

-I'm going 29.
- I could do this in my sleep.

"Cause you know—
hey, thinking about that,

I could use a good nap.

- This is number 32.
-I'm gonna bow out at 27.

- That's all I got.
-I can't do it. I'm done.

- You boys crying uncle?
- It ain't worth $20 for me
to go puke my guts out.

- All right, boys.
-You won, Si.

- Martin: Congratulations.
- I beat that contest.

Now I'm fixin'
to win that camper.

- Where's that lady at?
- Huh?

Si:
Look here.
With this $80,

I’m fixin' to “parfay” this
into some serious cash.

Hey, let me get 80
of them tickets

- for Silas Robertson.
- (laughs)

I’m fixin' to win
that sucker.

It's either bet big
or go to the house, Jack.

Oh, let's get
out of here.

Clerk:
Y'all want some donuts
to take with y'all?

Martin:
Not a chance.

- Jase: Oh, my goodness.
-(grunts)

- (mumbles)
-Jase: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, hand them.

I’m in no shape

to be catching
50-pound boxes

because I have
a weight distribution
problem right now.

We are suffering
from a condition called
“donut-stupor.”

- I hope this
makes me throw up.
- Look at my belly.

When you put
large quantities

of digested donuts
in motion,

your body becomes
a ticking time bomb.

- (groans)
-Then it just—
falls apart.

Take that one.

- Them look heavy.
- Yeah, they're heavy.

You lazy rascal.
Why don't you help us?

What are you laughing at,
you old coot?

Why's he laughing?
He gone crazy?

- He's delirious.
Too many donuts.
- Huh?

Look right here.

You have got to be
kidding me.

- You from the donut shop?
-I am.

That's what I thought.

- Which one of you is Silas?
- Oh, hey. That'd be me, Jack.

Hey, look here.
I've always been lucky.

I’m talking about, hey,
penny on heads inside
a horseshoe...

You're gonna need
these right here.

...on top of
a four-leaf clover...

- Hey, my money paid for that.
- So did mine.

- No.
-..and rolled up
with a leprechaun.

Hey, I'll see
you suckers later.

- All right.
Enjoy your new pad.
- Oh, I plan on it.

Jase:
Oh, you still
gotta make reeds. Hey!

- Kay: Isn't that gorgeous?
- Willie: No, it's not.

Look, do the pillows
and the comforter come
with these beds?

- Mom.
- Willie: Just when I thought
the worst was over,

Kay discovers
the mattress section.

Mom, we're getting
a couch, not this.

I know, but our bed
is 15 years old.

This is gonna be bad.

Oh, I'm just gonna
try this out.

- Mom.
- Phil: Hey.

Agile.

- Hey.
- I don't think—I think
that's against the rules.

- No, we've got to test it out.
- Mom, you don't need
a mattress.

Come on, let's see
if we can spoon.

- Let me go—
- Kay: But you have to
turn sideways.

I’m not even—
I'm not even gonna
look at this.

I think there's something
in the Geneva Convention

about it being inhumane
to force somebody to watch
their parents in bed.

Will, this is— give you
something to look forward to.

- (groans)
- Kay: Move over this way.
Back up a little bit.

Forget waterboarding.
This is real torture.

-We're in public.
- Phil: How "bout this?

I don't—I never did like
shaking the sheets
to find my woman.

- Well, you never
have had to, have you?
- Not at all, honey.

I know where you be.

You want to go in
the lowest part of the bed.

Just find where it goes down.
She be down in there.

- Well, she ain't quite
as agile as she was, but—
- Hush, hush.

Phil:
I wouldn't want to be
rummaging around

humpin' up my woman
in the dead of night
as they say.

We've now entered
the comforting zone.

You know what
I’m saying,
Miss Kay?

Yeah.
Is that sex?

Oh, my gosh.
Mom.

Kay:
Willie just has
to grow up.

I mean, it's like he knows
about the birds and the bees

and what people do
in that bed.

Can you get us
that comforter?

Would you like
some mirrors, too?
Would that help out?

-Some—
- (laughs )

No— you—

you don't wanna watch
what me and your mama
been doing.

That is way too much of that.

Make sure it holds me
good—oh, I love this.

- Thank the Lord.
-Woman: Y'all sure look
cozy over here.

Now which sofa was that
y'all had picked out?

It's that
chocolate-covered one

that's over there
by the window.

I think she means chocolate-
colored not covered.

Okay. Y'all could take
the couch with you today

or you could
have it delivered
for an additional $70.

- Deliver.
-70 bucks?

Dad, I'll pay for it.
It's not a problem.

It's not the money,
it's the principle.

Oh, crap.

That's great.
Now I’m gonna have
to lift another couch.

All right.
we'll take it with us.

Okay. I'll go get
your ticket ready.

- Sold.
- Can't wait to see what else
this day has in store.

Do we have to pay
to clean this thing?

I take regular baths
every Saturday.

Willie:
Oh, boy.

(blowing duck call )

- It's awful quiet in here.
- I'm enjoying the peace

and tranquility
of life without Si.

Jase:
Si has turned
his fancy little camper

into an office
of solitude.

And he's given me
the greatest gift
he's ever given—

Silence.

This is my last reed.

How many more
Si got for us?

My count is five.

- Five?!
- Let me go check and see
if he's building any of them.

Yeah, you gonna have to
go out there and tell him
we need some reeds.

Martin:
Unbelievable.

Si:
♪ this is the way
we do it...

(vocalizing)

Oh, yeah.