Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - Truck Commander - full transcript
Willie:
John Luke!
- Korie: What?
- Where's he at?
He's upstairs.
What's wrong?
My truck is totally
outta gas.
Oh, no.
Willie:
John Luke doesn't
seem to realize
that driving my truck
ain't aright,
it's a privilege.
That privilege
can be revoked.
Did you forget
anything last night?
- Have you ever heard of gas?
- Yeah.
But if I would have stopped,
I would have been late.
Then I would have
got in trouble.
Don't worry about
getting in trouble there.
Worry about my truck
having fuel in it.
Now we're
all screwed.
You're in trouble
and I'm taking your car.
- Oh, wait. No, no.
You can't take my car.
- I have to take your car.
- Willie, I'll take you to work.
I'll run you up there.
- Fine.
You're gonna go get gas.
However you want to get it.
On a bike, phone a friend.
Do what you got to do.
- Get fuel in my truck.
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
- If Mom's taking you—
then after I get gas,
can I take your truck
to the movies?
No. You just
brought it back empty.
I just told you that.
I'm really starting
I'm think that john Luke
doesn't understand
the whole
parent/kid dynamic.
I make the rules,
you follow "em.
-That's it.
- Get out of here.
- Go upstairs.
-John Luke: Yes, ma'am.
Willie: / think we may need
to get that boy's
head checked.
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY ♪
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
Willie:
I don't know what
John Luke's deal is.
- I mean, does he not get it?
- I'm with you on that.
He should have just called.
“Hey, I'm about to run out
of gas. I may be late.”
- I'm with you on that.
-“Should I get gas
or just roll it in
on fumes?”
Willie, this would all be
solved if you just got him
his own vehicle.
I'm not just gonna give him
everything in life.
He needs to earn it.
The boy doesn't need
to learn responsibility,
the boy needs
a swift kick in his butt.
Well, he's not
taking my car.
He's gonna keep driving yours
if you're not gettin'
him a vehicle.
I think he needs
his own vehicle.
Parenting is
a constant struggle
between making
your kid's life better
and ruining your own.
I hate rewarding John Luke
for doing something stupid.
But why should I
have to suffer?
I mean, he needs
to learn responsibility.
He needs to run out of gas
in his own darn vehicle.
You're so right.
Good idea, babe.
Glad I thought
of that for ya.
Willie:
This may be
my best idea ever.
-Jep: Can/ have a cookie, Si?
- Si: What you got to trade?
-I've got
a half-eaten sandwich.
- Nope. Nope.
I've got the gold
right here, Si.
- Look what I got.
- Si: Ooh.
- How 'bout a little?
- I'll make a trade for you.
- Oh, now you want to trade.
- Bag of chips.
- Bag of chips?
- Yeah. I mean, not chips.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Let me see.
Let me have that.
Martin:
That ain't
really a trade.
- You just took that from him.
- He wasn't gonna trade.
Cupcakes is one
of my favorite desserts.
Especially those 'cause
of the little squirrely
swirls on top of 'em.
Hey, look. I know
we're family, boys, but I
might kill for a cupcake.
Oh, this
chocolate's melting.
Jase:
Well ain't
this embarrassing?
He's getting chauffeured
around by his wife.
St
Oh, wasn't that sweet?
The CEO's out here canoodling
in the parking lot.
They're fixin' to make me
throw up, boys.
-I'm trying to
eat my cupcake here.
- Korie: Have a good day.
- Love you.
- Si: Back in my day,
if we wanted
to make out,
we'd go to the
ice cream parlor.
If you got hungry, you could
order a burger and fries.
And, hey, for dessert,
you'd have a banana split, man.
Those were the days, Jack.
- Si: What about it, Will?
- Willie: What's happening?
Why's Korie chauffeuring
you around today?
My son continues
to bring my truck back
on less than E.
- Out of gas.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking about
buying him a vehicle.
You better buy him
just some beat-up
piece of junk.
Hey, you need to get one
just like that truck
of mine there.
That's what I just said, Si.
Piece of junk.
Jase:
Where I come from,
your truck is a reflection
of your personality.
Si is a perfect
example of this.
You look at his truck.
It's old,
it's gray, it spits,
sputters, blows smoke
out of the tailpipe.
It's just like Si.
Hey, that thing purrs
like a kitten.
- Purrs like a kitten?
- Yeah.
That purrs like a walrus
in a steel trap.
- ( Mimics walrus sounds )
- (men laugh)
Si:
You boys
bad-mouthin' my truck.
I'll do you a favor.
Me and that truck
y'all bad-mouthing,
I'll drive you around
and we'll find your
son a truck.
Seeing how I'm
the resident expert
on vehicles
in this group,
I think I should help
ol' Willie out.
Hey, plus I won't
have to work.
Considering I don't have
a vehicle, I'm gonna take
this opportunity.
-Y'all get back to work.
- Good luck, Will.
- You better put
your seat belt on.
- Let's pick up John Luke.
(tires screeching )
- (laughs )
- Godwin: Look out.
-Jep: They won't
make it five miles.
-Jase: /7] tell you this.
If they gonna
take the day off,
I'm gonna take the day off.
I'm gonna go catch
some crawfish.
- Martin: Go crawfishing.
- Jase: Go crawfishing.
God, it's hot.
You need to get
some air in that truck.
- That's a classic, son.
- This is it, huh?
Willie:
The best thing
I know to do
is to buy a car
from someone that you know
who's not gonna try
to fast-talk you.
- Hey, Willie.
- What do you say,
Mountain Man?
There is nothing fast
about Mountain Man.
How y'all doing
on this fine day?
Willie:
We're here to look
at this Bronco for John Luke.
It's a 1990 model.
Lookie here.
You got this
bumper guard
on here.
John Luke, he can
mow over deers
or whatever kids
do nowadays.
He ain't
mowing over deer.
- You got your roadkill.
- I'm really not sure
about this anymore.
What's it gonna take me
to get you in this
truck today?
I'll give you $2,000
right now in cash.
- Oh, Will—
- That's cash money.
A lot of sentimental
value in here.
- Sentimental?
- Sentimental don't pay
the bills, Mountain Man.
Well, I had my first date
in this thing.
Ethleen Schrum.
We went up—
Hey, we ain't got
time to hear the story
of your sex life.
It was a beautiful thing.
Willie:
/mm sure it's
? great story.
I'll give you $2,100.
$100 for your
sentimental loss
- and we do this deal
right now.
-Mm.
- Hundreds.
- Sit Mountain Man.
- Cash.
- Benjamin Franklins.
-Mm.
- Cash, son.
I don't know
about that, Willie.
I might come down
to about $5,000.
-Oh, bull crap. I ain't
giving you $5,000 for—
-Come on.
I got a treasure chest
I'll take you to.
I know Willie, okay?
He's looking for a deal
"cause he's a cheapskate.
Hey, man's
got everything.
I’m gonna take him
to a junkyard.
- He's got trucks, jeeps.
- Chairs, pool tables.
- Cars.
- Mattresses.
- RVs.
- Potato salad.
Cold watermelon.
He's got anything
you want, Jack.
Hey, a sack of oranges.
John Luke, come on.
Willie:
I didn't like that
piece of trash anyway.
Jase:
is that all
the crawfish traps we got?
-What are you up to?
- I'm going crawfishing.
Did you ask your daddy
if you could use the boat?
No, why would he care, Kay?
- It's old.
- Just 'cause it's old—
it still has value to it.
My parents were hoarders
before hoarding was cool.
Well, you know it's
still valuable to Phil
even if it's old.
Jase:
I mean, they just can't
throw anything away.
And the older
something is,
the less bad you feel
about using it.
You better make sure
it's okay.
If we bring Phil back
a big mess of crawfish,
he'll never say a word.
No, he'll be happy,
happy, happy.
Yeah, he'll like that.
Just don't tear up
anything doing it.
Well, if I tear it up,
I'll replace it.
I mean, that's just
the code among rednecks.
Look, anything tore up,
I have nothing to do with.
- All right, Kay.
-Thanks for the warning.
- Martin: Let's get outta here.
- Godwin: I'm driving.
- Martin: You in the middle?
- No, I ain't in the middle.
- Dadgum it.
- I'm claustrophobic.
Well, how do you think I feel?
This is just a big
Martin sandwich.
Willie:
Si, this is a junk heap.
Si:
Hey, look here.
There is a gold mine.
Y'all, we'll find
John Luke a good little
pickup truck in here.
Willie:
Where in the heck am I?
Did Si take me down
the wormhole?
They don't even
have motors.
Look, one man's junk
is another man's
treasure, son.
No, this is every man's junk.
All of this is junk.
Apparently, my definition
of a gold mine
and Si's
differ drastically.
- Willie: There's a
rooster in that truck.
- Si: Look here.
You like
chicken salad?
Si:
We already ahead on
this deal.
Haven't you ever
heard the term,
“Winner, winner,
chicken dinner”?
There's not even
a truck here that runs.
That one right there
has got some good legs
left on it.
Tires are good.
John Luke, you done
hit the jackpot.
This baby's got
a five-speed.
Look here. 383.
- Si, there's grass
growing out of it.
- I know.
Environmental.
Gone green.
Willie's mind is like
a steel trap. It's closed.
Where mine on the other hand,
okay, is wide open.
It's like an air tunnel
in here, man.
How are you
gentlemen today?
- I'm Squirrel.
- Squirrel.
Y'all looking
for your own nice
little vehicle?
- Si: Yeah.
- We're not—no,
we're just—
I don't know
what we're doing.
- Well—
- What do you want
for this thing?
$2,500.
Squirrel, look.
You're a little
on the squirrelly side
if you think I'm gonna
give you $2,500 for it.
- Yeah, but look what you—
- I'll give you $1,000
for it right now.
$1,000? 1 probably got more
than $1,000 in that thing.
Si:
Hey—
- Gentlemen.
-Your turn.
Am I in a bad dream here?
What is going on?
- Bad dream?
- We're not interested
in this piece of crap.
It's got stuff
growing in it.
This is worse
than I thought.
I'm in the junkyard
twilight zone
with Si's evil twin—
Squirrel.
I swear, I gotta
start dealing with people
with a real first name.
John Luke will be proud
to ride around in a truck
like this.
All right,
we're good.
Nice rig.
Somebody will buy it.
-Thank you
for your time.
- Y'all take care.
- If nothing else,
it be good for scrap metal.
- We'll see ya again.
Willie:
John Luke, that's why
you don't do drugs, son.
Ooh, what a day for this.
What a day!
These are the days
you live for.
Unless y'all want to go
back up there and work.
No, I'm good.
No, this is
way better
than work.
"Cause you wake up
in the morning,
go into
a concrete bunker,
and then all of a sudden,
freedom.
Martin:
Uh-oh, flat tire.
Lost a shoe.
Hold on,
I lost my shoe.
-Jase: Easy.
- Godwin: Ow. I got a rock
in my shoe.
- Hold on. Let me climb
in this thing.
- Martin: All right.
- Whoa.
- Look out.
Whoa! I think we got
a little leak here.
- Look. I see where
the water's coming from.
- Godwin: We better paddle.
Start paddling
towards the bank.
- Don't worry.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What we gonna— whoa!
Good night!
Any floating vessel
can sink.
-Jase: Wow.
- Martin: Golly!
- Good grief
- I think the Titanic
proved that.
- Oh, that was a fish.
- Hey, I'm on the motor.
Now, the difference in us
and the Titanic
was I brought
two icebergs with me.
-Jase: Well, we ain't going
crawfishing.
- Martin: No?
Phil:
Where's the new dog?
Ugh.
That yipping thing.
(whistles )
No, you have to do it
like this... Muffin.
- Muffin. Is that her name, Kay?
- Yeah, you have to call her
just like that.
- Muffin.
- That dog ain't good
for nothin'...
- (dog barks )
- except eating everything
insight.
Miss Kay is a dog lover.
So am I.
They're pretty good
first line of defense.
If they bark
at another dog,
you can tell
the bark they have
and make 'em shut up.
If they're just barking
"cause they're happy
to be a dog
and living in America,
I know what
that bark is, too.
- Hey, buddy.
-What's go in” on?
Uh-oh.
Where have you been?
Boy, y'all worked up a big
sweat doing something.
The last thing
that I want to hear
is what I'm fixin” to hear.
The “I told you so”
from my mom,
and I'm gonna get the
“What are you thinking?”
from my dad.
No, we went out there
enjoying the day.
We was gonna get
some crawfish.
Where are they at?
I’m hungry for a good mess
of crawfish.
Well, we took that boat
that you had out there.
- Yeah.
- And one of these boys
forgot to put
the plug in it.
- Do what?
- We buried that boat
and the motor
and all the gear.
What'd I tell you
about tearing up
things?
We didn't tear it up.
We sunk it.
Yeah, it's perfectly fine.
It's just at the bottom.
Y'all been riding
in boats your
whole life.
I can't believe you
sunk it right there
where you're talking about.
Jase:
When something
crazy happens,
my dad then feels
like he needs to give you
a lecture
on why the plug
is important to the boat.
And you gotta sit there
and listen because
you sunk it.
- And it's his boat.
-Y'all didn't even check
and see if there was a plug?
- No.
- Oh, good night
of living. Jase.
This would be like giving me
the “birds and bees” speech
for my 20-year
anniversary.
I got that.
I have three kids.
I figured it out.
What do they sound like?
They sound like
city slickers to me.
I mean, good night.
You take a boat and you
shove it off
and get in it
without a plug in it
and you got two
375-pounders with you,
it's like a house cat
who gets his tail caught
in a fan.
It won't be long now.
Did I own anything
that was in the boat?
You owned everything
in the boat.
Had all
my snacks in it.
- Boat? Motor?
- Jase: Mm-hmm.
- Snacks?
- Mm-hmm.
- Anything else?
- My hands smell
like taco meat.
Kay:
What? What'd he say?
Well, I'll tell you what.
We going back down
to that hole.
This time it's gonna be we.
I’m going with y'all.
Is time to get
swampy again.
This is John Luke's ride.
Right here.
- No, it's not.
- This is the ride for
a young man of his stature.
Willie needs to get
John Luke a vehicle
that will really
turn heads.
You need to get ya
a hot rod, John Luke.
Si, we're not getting
a fast car that burns up
the road.
What are we
doing here, then?
This thing needs
to be souped up.
He ain't looking for
no family car.
Well, he ain't buying it.
I’m buying it.
Well, buy him a hot rod.
Purple fringe taillights,
30-inch fins.
Hey, I'm talking about
a hot rod, Jack.
Now there's something
more like it, Will.
Right there for him.
That's a good-looking
little car.
- Yeah, this one's not bad.
-You can't have this car.
- Si: Why not?
- Where you gonna put a deer?
Put him on the hood.
Spread his legs, tie him
to the mirrors.
- That'll work.
- Then drive through
the middle of town.
Honking your horn—
talking about how—
“look what [ just killed.”
Willie: Sometimes I worry
about the influence Si
has on my children.
The last thing the world
needs is another
tall tale-telling,
tea-tooting,
narcoleptic
redneck.
There's a nice truck.
Si:
That ain't
a bad-looking truck.
- How y'all doing?
- How's about it?
- How's it going?
- Doin' fine. How you doing,
young fella?
- Doing good.
- How can I help y'all?
We're just lookin'.
Possibly gonna buy.
Not sure.
Y'all came up in here
in that thing?
Wait a minute now.
What do you mean
that thing?
Maybe I can upgrade you
while you're here.
Well, how much is that
yellow car in the corner?
- Si' You ain't
buying a car.
- What?
We're here to buy
John Luke a truck.
When you run up
on a good deal,
you gotta pounce
like a big Bengal tiger.
- Has it got air conditioning?
- They all have AC.
- This is Louisiana, yes.
- Really?
Got a lot
of features to it.
Power windows, locks,
tilt, cruise, CD player.
- Si: Pretty wild.
- It's only $9,995.
I don't think this
truck's worth $9,995.
Got one a couple years older,
a few more miles.
- It's blue in color.
- How much is it?
$6,995.
- I like blue.
-Y'all want to go look at it?
- Let's go.
- Let's go have
a look at it.
- Man. You'll like it.
-Willie: I've always
liked blue.
Phil:
You sure it's tied
onto the boat?
I did the best I could.
I was up under the water.
-You ain't got nothin' there.
- Martin: Well, good night.
I can pull this out.
- Whatever this is.
- Phil: It ain't the boat.
- Martin:. Oh, good night.
- Phil: Oh, yeah.
- Godwin: What'd he get?
-Jase: Well, I was close.
I was in the neighborhood.
Starting over.
The creeks and rivers
where we hang out,
the visibility is about
one centimeter.
- You wanna come do this?
- Martin: Nope.
Ha ha. You hooked up
on a log.
Well, I thought it
was the boat.
Phil:
Come on out of there
with it Jase.
-You got it tied?
-Oh, I got it tied
this time.
- Phil: 70 the boat?
- To the boat.
-Jase: Hit it.
- Phil: Come on out with it.
- Godwin.
- Come on, Godwin.
Get out with it.
- Godwin: Here we go.
- Ain't going anywhere.
- Godwin: I see the strap.
-Martin. There's the boat.
Now we cooking
with peanut oil.
Merry Christmas.
Here's your boat.
Here's your crappy motor.
All your traps.
Your net.
Can we go now?
Where are my drags?
- Let me see.
- Where's my drag?
I’m looking.
It was right here.
- Phil: My drag?
-It's gone.
- Huh?
- It's somewhere in between.
- Got to find that.
-It's just a piece of metal.
It's worth more
than that whole
contraption.
I'll tell you that.
I've had that drag
25 years.
I've dragged up so many hooks
from there with that,
I got to have it.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
-Jase:
All right. I'll] get it.
- Phil: Where's my drag?
So how exactly
did y'all manage to sink
the entire boat?
Godwin and them put
the plug in the boat.
That was— it wasn't funny.
We could have died.
They were acting
like yuppie boys.
How is that acting like
a yuppie boy that I wanted
to go catch crawfish?
Trying to crank a motor
that hadn't been cranked
in five years without
a plug in the boat.
- I didn't know the motor—
- Two walruses in one end
of the boat.
Yuppies all the way.
Yeah, this whole bunch
after watching this fiasco.
Their redneck edge
is beginning
to slowly morph
into yuppie-ism.
If y'all would just throw
some of this stuff away
instead of keeping it
as antiques,
this wouldn't
have happened.
Some old things
become more valuable
as they get older,
don't you know?
- Like myself.
- Phil: See these
younger bucks—
all they do
is tear up stuff.
- They never build anything.
- (car horn honks )
-Who is that?
-Jase: Who in the world?
- My goodness.
It's John Luke.
- Your grandson.
John Luke!
And Si.
-John Luke,
you got new wheels.
- Finally.
- Pretty good-looking rig.
- Korie: That's awesome.
- Good job, Daddy.
- Si got a new truck as well.
It was a deal
I couldn't pass up.
- We're happy, happy, happy.
-That's it.
Si, what'd you do with
your old truck? I thought
the Gray Ghost was your baby.
Look here.
All good things must
come to an end, Martin.
I’m gonna
put it to rest.
Selling it would be
undignified.
What are you gonna do?
Bury it?
Something special.
Probably bury it.
Being a military man—
have somebody play “Taps.”
Oh, I think we can
do better than that.
All right, boys.
Let's send her off
with a bang.
(laughing )
Now that's the way to go out
in a blaze of glory, Jack.
Nice knowing you,
Gray Ghost.
- I'll give you $200
right now for her.
- Sold.
That was the best thing
that truck ever did
was blow up.
- Hey, that was a good truck.
- Hey, let's go eat.
- Martin: Let's go.
- Si: That's what I'm
talking about.
- Good move, Kay.
- Cest la vie
Gray Ghost.
Jase:
That's the way to end
the day—
with a bang.
Phil: Father, we thank you
for another good day
on planet Earth.
I do pray for ol'
John Luke, Father,
and his driving
skills.
Thank you for all
the blessings you give
us each day.
-Amen.
- All: Amen.
- Phil: Let's get on them quail.
-Jase: Give me some
of those birds.
Willie:
Some days you wake up
and you just know that
it's gonna be a good day.
Some days you
find yourself spending
thousands of dollars
on a truck for your son.
Life is full of detours.
Especially when you're
with Si.
Or a couple of 300-pounders
In a teeny-tiny boat.
The key is to not get
discouraged
thinking of all
the wrong turns you made.
You just have to
keep on keepin' on.
Si: How 'bout going cruising
for some ladies after dinner
there John Luke?
(mimics engine revving )
John Luke!
- Korie: What?
- Where's he at?
He's upstairs.
What's wrong?
My truck is totally
outta gas.
Oh, no.
Willie:
John Luke doesn't
seem to realize
that driving my truck
ain't aright,
it's a privilege.
That privilege
can be revoked.
Did you forget
anything last night?
- Have you ever heard of gas?
- Yeah.
But if I would have stopped,
I would have been late.
Then I would have
got in trouble.
Don't worry about
getting in trouble there.
Worry about my truck
having fuel in it.
Now we're
all screwed.
You're in trouble
and I'm taking your car.
- Oh, wait. No, no.
You can't take my car.
- I have to take your car.
- Willie, I'll take you to work.
I'll run you up there.
- Fine.
You're gonna go get gas.
However you want to get it.
On a bike, phone a friend.
Do what you got to do.
- Get fuel in my truck.
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
- If Mom's taking you—
then after I get gas,
can I take your truck
to the movies?
No. You just
brought it back empty.
I just told you that.
I'm really starting
I'm think that john Luke
doesn't understand
the whole
parent/kid dynamic.
I make the rules,
you follow "em.
-That's it.
- Get out of here.
- Go upstairs.
-John Luke: Yes, ma'am.
Willie: / think we may need
to get that boy's
head checked.
(music playing)
♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'
♪ THIS WAY ♪
♪
♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'
♪ AND SLAVIN'
♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
♪
Willie:
I don't know what
John Luke's deal is.
- I mean, does he not get it?
- I'm with you on that.
He should have just called.
“Hey, I'm about to run out
of gas. I may be late.”
- I'm with you on that.
-“Should I get gas
or just roll it in
on fumes?”
Willie, this would all be
solved if you just got him
his own vehicle.
I'm not just gonna give him
everything in life.
He needs to earn it.
The boy doesn't need
to learn responsibility,
the boy needs
a swift kick in his butt.
Well, he's not
taking my car.
He's gonna keep driving yours
if you're not gettin'
him a vehicle.
I think he needs
his own vehicle.
Parenting is
a constant struggle
between making
your kid's life better
and ruining your own.
I hate rewarding John Luke
for doing something stupid.
But why should I
have to suffer?
I mean, he needs
to learn responsibility.
He needs to run out of gas
in his own darn vehicle.
You're so right.
Good idea, babe.
Glad I thought
of that for ya.
Willie:
This may be
my best idea ever.
-Jep: Can/ have a cookie, Si?
- Si: What you got to trade?
-I've got
a half-eaten sandwich.
- Nope. Nope.
I've got the gold
right here, Si.
- Look what I got.
- Si: Ooh.
- How 'bout a little?
- I'll make a trade for you.
- Oh, now you want to trade.
- Bag of chips.
- Bag of chips?
- Yeah. I mean, not chips.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Let me see.
Let me have that.
Martin:
That ain't
really a trade.
- You just took that from him.
- He wasn't gonna trade.
Cupcakes is one
of my favorite desserts.
Especially those 'cause
of the little squirrely
swirls on top of 'em.
Hey, look. I know
we're family, boys, but I
might kill for a cupcake.
Oh, this
chocolate's melting.
Jase:
Well ain't
this embarrassing?
He's getting chauffeured
around by his wife.
St
Oh, wasn't that sweet?
The CEO's out here canoodling
in the parking lot.
They're fixin' to make me
throw up, boys.
-I'm trying to
eat my cupcake here.
- Korie: Have a good day.
- Love you.
- Si: Back in my day,
if we wanted
to make out,
we'd go to the
ice cream parlor.
If you got hungry, you could
order a burger and fries.
And, hey, for dessert,
you'd have a banana split, man.
Those were the days, Jack.
- Si: What about it, Will?
- Willie: What's happening?
Why's Korie chauffeuring
you around today?
My son continues
to bring my truck back
on less than E.
- Out of gas.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking about
buying him a vehicle.
You better buy him
just some beat-up
piece of junk.
Hey, you need to get one
just like that truck
of mine there.
That's what I just said, Si.
Piece of junk.
Jase:
Where I come from,
your truck is a reflection
of your personality.
Si is a perfect
example of this.
You look at his truck.
It's old,
it's gray, it spits,
sputters, blows smoke
out of the tailpipe.
It's just like Si.
Hey, that thing purrs
like a kitten.
- Purrs like a kitten?
- Yeah.
That purrs like a walrus
in a steel trap.
- ( Mimics walrus sounds )
- (men laugh)
Si:
You boys
bad-mouthin' my truck.
I'll do you a favor.
Me and that truck
y'all bad-mouthing,
I'll drive you around
and we'll find your
son a truck.
Seeing how I'm
the resident expert
on vehicles
in this group,
I think I should help
ol' Willie out.
Hey, plus I won't
have to work.
Considering I don't have
a vehicle, I'm gonna take
this opportunity.
-Y'all get back to work.
- Good luck, Will.
- You better put
your seat belt on.
- Let's pick up John Luke.
(tires screeching )
- (laughs )
- Godwin: Look out.
-Jep: They won't
make it five miles.
-Jase: /7] tell you this.
If they gonna
take the day off,
I'm gonna take the day off.
I'm gonna go catch
some crawfish.
- Martin: Go crawfishing.
- Jase: Go crawfishing.
God, it's hot.
You need to get
some air in that truck.
- That's a classic, son.
- This is it, huh?
Willie:
The best thing
I know to do
is to buy a car
from someone that you know
who's not gonna try
to fast-talk you.
- Hey, Willie.
- What do you say,
Mountain Man?
There is nothing fast
about Mountain Man.
How y'all doing
on this fine day?
Willie:
We're here to look
at this Bronco for John Luke.
It's a 1990 model.
Lookie here.
You got this
bumper guard
on here.
John Luke, he can
mow over deers
or whatever kids
do nowadays.
He ain't
mowing over deer.
- You got your roadkill.
- I'm really not sure
about this anymore.
What's it gonna take me
to get you in this
truck today?
I'll give you $2,000
right now in cash.
- Oh, Will—
- That's cash money.
A lot of sentimental
value in here.
- Sentimental?
- Sentimental don't pay
the bills, Mountain Man.
Well, I had my first date
in this thing.
Ethleen Schrum.
We went up—
Hey, we ain't got
time to hear the story
of your sex life.
It was a beautiful thing.
Willie:
/mm sure it's
? great story.
I'll give you $2,100.
$100 for your
sentimental loss
- and we do this deal
right now.
-Mm.
- Hundreds.
- Sit Mountain Man.
- Cash.
- Benjamin Franklins.
-Mm.
- Cash, son.
I don't know
about that, Willie.
I might come down
to about $5,000.
-Oh, bull crap. I ain't
giving you $5,000 for—
-Come on.
I got a treasure chest
I'll take you to.
I know Willie, okay?
He's looking for a deal
"cause he's a cheapskate.
Hey, man's
got everything.
I’m gonna take him
to a junkyard.
- He's got trucks, jeeps.
- Chairs, pool tables.
- Cars.
- Mattresses.
- RVs.
- Potato salad.
Cold watermelon.
He's got anything
you want, Jack.
Hey, a sack of oranges.
John Luke, come on.
Willie:
I didn't like that
piece of trash anyway.
Jase:
is that all
the crawfish traps we got?
-What are you up to?
- I'm going crawfishing.
Did you ask your daddy
if you could use the boat?
No, why would he care, Kay?
- It's old.
- Just 'cause it's old—
it still has value to it.
My parents were hoarders
before hoarding was cool.
Well, you know it's
still valuable to Phil
even if it's old.
Jase:
I mean, they just can't
throw anything away.
And the older
something is,
the less bad you feel
about using it.
You better make sure
it's okay.
If we bring Phil back
a big mess of crawfish,
he'll never say a word.
No, he'll be happy,
happy, happy.
Yeah, he'll like that.
Just don't tear up
anything doing it.
Well, if I tear it up,
I'll replace it.
I mean, that's just
the code among rednecks.
Look, anything tore up,
I have nothing to do with.
- All right, Kay.
-Thanks for the warning.
- Martin: Let's get outta here.
- Godwin: I'm driving.
- Martin: You in the middle?
- No, I ain't in the middle.
- Dadgum it.
- I'm claustrophobic.
Well, how do you think I feel?
This is just a big
Martin sandwich.
Willie:
Si, this is a junk heap.
Si:
Hey, look here.
There is a gold mine.
Y'all, we'll find
John Luke a good little
pickup truck in here.
Willie:
Where in the heck am I?
Did Si take me down
the wormhole?
They don't even
have motors.
Look, one man's junk
is another man's
treasure, son.
No, this is every man's junk.
All of this is junk.
Apparently, my definition
of a gold mine
and Si's
differ drastically.
- Willie: There's a
rooster in that truck.
- Si: Look here.
You like
chicken salad?
Si:
We already ahead on
this deal.
Haven't you ever
heard the term,
“Winner, winner,
chicken dinner”?
There's not even
a truck here that runs.
That one right there
has got some good legs
left on it.
Tires are good.
John Luke, you done
hit the jackpot.
This baby's got
a five-speed.
Look here. 383.
- Si, there's grass
growing out of it.
- I know.
Environmental.
Gone green.
Willie's mind is like
a steel trap. It's closed.
Where mine on the other hand,
okay, is wide open.
It's like an air tunnel
in here, man.
How are you
gentlemen today?
- I'm Squirrel.
- Squirrel.
Y'all looking
for your own nice
little vehicle?
- Si: Yeah.
- We're not—no,
we're just—
I don't know
what we're doing.
- Well—
- What do you want
for this thing?
$2,500.
Squirrel, look.
You're a little
on the squirrelly side
if you think I'm gonna
give you $2,500 for it.
- Yeah, but look what you—
- I'll give you $1,000
for it right now.
$1,000? 1 probably got more
than $1,000 in that thing.
Si:
Hey—
- Gentlemen.
-Your turn.
Am I in a bad dream here?
What is going on?
- Bad dream?
- We're not interested
in this piece of crap.
It's got stuff
growing in it.
This is worse
than I thought.
I'm in the junkyard
twilight zone
with Si's evil twin—
Squirrel.
I swear, I gotta
start dealing with people
with a real first name.
John Luke will be proud
to ride around in a truck
like this.
All right,
we're good.
Nice rig.
Somebody will buy it.
-Thank you
for your time.
- Y'all take care.
- If nothing else,
it be good for scrap metal.
- We'll see ya again.
Willie:
John Luke, that's why
you don't do drugs, son.
Ooh, what a day for this.
What a day!
These are the days
you live for.
Unless y'all want to go
back up there and work.
No, I'm good.
No, this is
way better
than work.
"Cause you wake up
in the morning,
go into
a concrete bunker,
and then all of a sudden,
freedom.
Martin:
Uh-oh, flat tire.
Lost a shoe.
Hold on,
I lost my shoe.
-Jase: Easy.
- Godwin: Ow. I got a rock
in my shoe.
- Hold on. Let me climb
in this thing.
- Martin: All right.
- Whoa.
- Look out.
Whoa! I think we got
a little leak here.
- Look. I see where
the water's coming from.
- Godwin: We better paddle.
Start paddling
towards the bank.
- Don't worry.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What we gonna— whoa!
Good night!
Any floating vessel
can sink.
-Jase: Wow.
- Martin: Golly!
- Good grief
- I think the Titanic
proved that.
- Oh, that was a fish.
- Hey, I'm on the motor.
Now, the difference in us
and the Titanic
was I brought
two icebergs with me.
-Jase: Well, we ain't going
crawfishing.
- Martin: No?
Phil:
Where's the new dog?
Ugh.
That yipping thing.
(whistles )
No, you have to do it
like this... Muffin.
- Muffin. Is that her name, Kay?
- Yeah, you have to call her
just like that.
- Muffin.
- That dog ain't good
for nothin'...
- (dog barks )
- except eating everything
insight.
Miss Kay is a dog lover.
So am I.
They're pretty good
first line of defense.
If they bark
at another dog,
you can tell
the bark they have
and make 'em shut up.
If they're just barking
"cause they're happy
to be a dog
and living in America,
I know what
that bark is, too.
- Hey, buddy.
-What's go in” on?
Uh-oh.
Where have you been?
Boy, y'all worked up a big
sweat doing something.
The last thing
that I want to hear
is what I'm fixin” to hear.
The “I told you so”
from my mom,
and I'm gonna get the
“What are you thinking?”
from my dad.
No, we went out there
enjoying the day.
We was gonna get
some crawfish.
Where are they at?
I’m hungry for a good mess
of crawfish.
Well, we took that boat
that you had out there.
- Yeah.
- And one of these boys
forgot to put
the plug in it.
- Do what?
- We buried that boat
and the motor
and all the gear.
What'd I tell you
about tearing up
things?
We didn't tear it up.
We sunk it.
Yeah, it's perfectly fine.
It's just at the bottom.
Y'all been riding
in boats your
whole life.
I can't believe you
sunk it right there
where you're talking about.
Jase:
When something
crazy happens,
my dad then feels
like he needs to give you
a lecture
on why the plug
is important to the boat.
And you gotta sit there
and listen because
you sunk it.
- And it's his boat.
-Y'all didn't even check
and see if there was a plug?
- No.
- Oh, good night
of living. Jase.
This would be like giving me
the “birds and bees” speech
for my 20-year
anniversary.
I got that.
I have three kids.
I figured it out.
What do they sound like?
They sound like
city slickers to me.
I mean, good night.
You take a boat and you
shove it off
and get in it
without a plug in it
and you got two
375-pounders with you,
it's like a house cat
who gets his tail caught
in a fan.
It won't be long now.
Did I own anything
that was in the boat?
You owned everything
in the boat.
Had all
my snacks in it.
- Boat? Motor?
- Jase: Mm-hmm.
- Snacks?
- Mm-hmm.
- Anything else?
- My hands smell
like taco meat.
Kay:
What? What'd he say?
Well, I'll tell you what.
We going back down
to that hole.
This time it's gonna be we.
I’m going with y'all.
Is time to get
swampy again.
This is John Luke's ride.
Right here.
- No, it's not.
- This is the ride for
a young man of his stature.
Willie needs to get
John Luke a vehicle
that will really
turn heads.
You need to get ya
a hot rod, John Luke.
Si, we're not getting
a fast car that burns up
the road.
What are we
doing here, then?
This thing needs
to be souped up.
He ain't looking for
no family car.
Well, he ain't buying it.
I’m buying it.
Well, buy him a hot rod.
Purple fringe taillights,
30-inch fins.
Hey, I'm talking about
a hot rod, Jack.
Now there's something
more like it, Will.
Right there for him.
That's a good-looking
little car.
- Yeah, this one's not bad.
-You can't have this car.
- Si: Why not?
- Where you gonna put a deer?
Put him on the hood.
Spread his legs, tie him
to the mirrors.
- That'll work.
- Then drive through
the middle of town.
Honking your horn—
talking about how—
“look what [ just killed.”
Willie: Sometimes I worry
about the influence Si
has on my children.
The last thing the world
needs is another
tall tale-telling,
tea-tooting,
narcoleptic
redneck.
There's a nice truck.
Si:
That ain't
a bad-looking truck.
- How y'all doing?
- How's about it?
- How's it going?
- Doin' fine. How you doing,
young fella?
- Doing good.
- How can I help y'all?
We're just lookin'.
Possibly gonna buy.
Not sure.
Y'all came up in here
in that thing?
Wait a minute now.
What do you mean
that thing?
Maybe I can upgrade you
while you're here.
Well, how much is that
yellow car in the corner?
- Si' You ain't
buying a car.
- What?
We're here to buy
John Luke a truck.
When you run up
on a good deal,
you gotta pounce
like a big Bengal tiger.
- Has it got air conditioning?
- They all have AC.
- This is Louisiana, yes.
- Really?
Got a lot
of features to it.
Power windows, locks,
tilt, cruise, CD player.
- Si: Pretty wild.
- It's only $9,995.
I don't think this
truck's worth $9,995.
Got one a couple years older,
a few more miles.
- It's blue in color.
- How much is it?
$6,995.
- I like blue.
-Y'all want to go look at it?
- Let's go.
- Let's go have
a look at it.
- Man. You'll like it.
-Willie: I've always
liked blue.
Phil:
You sure it's tied
onto the boat?
I did the best I could.
I was up under the water.
-You ain't got nothin' there.
- Martin: Well, good night.
I can pull this out.
- Whatever this is.
- Phil: It ain't the boat.
- Martin:. Oh, good night.
- Phil: Oh, yeah.
- Godwin: What'd he get?
-Jase: Well, I was close.
I was in the neighborhood.
Starting over.
The creeks and rivers
where we hang out,
the visibility is about
one centimeter.
- You wanna come do this?
- Martin: Nope.
Ha ha. You hooked up
on a log.
Well, I thought it
was the boat.
Phil:
Come on out of there
with it Jase.
-You got it tied?
-Oh, I got it tied
this time.
- Phil: 70 the boat?
- To the boat.
-Jase: Hit it.
- Phil: Come on out with it.
- Godwin.
- Come on, Godwin.
Get out with it.
- Godwin: Here we go.
- Ain't going anywhere.
- Godwin: I see the strap.
-Martin. There's the boat.
Now we cooking
with peanut oil.
Merry Christmas.
Here's your boat.
Here's your crappy motor.
All your traps.
Your net.
Can we go now?
Where are my drags?
- Let me see.
- Where's my drag?
I’m looking.
It was right here.
- Phil: My drag?
-It's gone.
- Huh?
- It's somewhere in between.
- Got to find that.
-It's just a piece of metal.
It's worth more
than that whole
contraption.
I'll tell you that.
I've had that drag
25 years.
I've dragged up so many hooks
from there with that,
I got to have it.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
-Jase:
All right. I'll] get it.
- Phil: Where's my drag?
So how exactly
did y'all manage to sink
the entire boat?
Godwin and them put
the plug in the boat.
That was— it wasn't funny.
We could have died.
They were acting
like yuppie boys.
How is that acting like
a yuppie boy that I wanted
to go catch crawfish?
Trying to crank a motor
that hadn't been cranked
in five years without
a plug in the boat.
- I didn't know the motor—
- Two walruses in one end
of the boat.
Yuppies all the way.
Yeah, this whole bunch
after watching this fiasco.
Their redneck edge
is beginning
to slowly morph
into yuppie-ism.
If y'all would just throw
some of this stuff away
instead of keeping it
as antiques,
this wouldn't
have happened.
Some old things
become more valuable
as they get older,
don't you know?
- Like myself.
- Phil: See these
younger bucks—
all they do
is tear up stuff.
- They never build anything.
- (car horn honks )
-Who is that?
-Jase: Who in the world?
- My goodness.
It's John Luke.
- Your grandson.
John Luke!
And Si.
-John Luke,
you got new wheels.
- Finally.
- Pretty good-looking rig.
- Korie: That's awesome.
- Good job, Daddy.
- Si got a new truck as well.
It was a deal
I couldn't pass up.
- We're happy, happy, happy.
-That's it.
Si, what'd you do with
your old truck? I thought
the Gray Ghost was your baby.
Look here.
All good things must
come to an end, Martin.
I’m gonna
put it to rest.
Selling it would be
undignified.
What are you gonna do?
Bury it?
Something special.
Probably bury it.
Being a military man—
have somebody play “Taps.”
Oh, I think we can
do better than that.
All right, boys.
Let's send her off
with a bang.
(laughing )
Now that's the way to go out
in a blaze of glory, Jack.
Nice knowing you,
Gray Ghost.
- I'll give you $200
right now for her.
- Sold.
That was the best thing
that truck ever did
was blow up.
- Hey, that was a good truck.
- Hey, let's go eat.
- Martin: Let's go.
- Si: That's what I'm
talking about.
- Good move, Kay.
- Cest la vie
Gray Ghost.
Jase:
That's the way to end
the day—
with a bang.
Phil: Father, we thank you
for another good day
on planet Earth.
I do pray for ol'
John Luke, Father,
and his driving
skills.
Thank you for all
the blessings you give
us each day.
-Amen.
- All: Amen.
- Phil: Let's get on them quail.
-Jase: Give me some
of those birds.
Willie:
Some days you wake up
and you just know that
it's gonna be a good day.
Some days you
find yourself spending
thousands of dollars
on a truck for your son.
Life is full of detours.
Especially when you're
with Si.
Or a couple of 300-pounders
In a teeny-tiny boat.
The key is to not get
discouraged
thinking of all
the wrong turns you made.
You just have to
keep on keepin' on.
Si: How 'bout going cruising
for some ladies after dinner
there John Luke?
(mimics engine revving )