Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Driving Miss Sadie - full transcript

Willie:
Okay, imagine
this is a street.

There's the mall.
You can walk in there,
you can buy stuff.

But you've got to be able to
get this truck into there.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, that's a problem.

Sadie's taking her
driver's test today.

And I'm the Mr. Miyagi
of driving school.

A little gas.
Little gas.

Whoa, whoa!
No, no, not that hard.

- Not that hard.
-Oh, my.

She's gonna be
a little Ralph “Macchiano.”



- (squealing )
- Stop. Stop.

- { horn honks )
- She is terrible.

- Good gracious.
- What is the point of this?

She's trying to park in between
a saw horse and a garbage can?

- Yeah.
- Parallel parking?

Willie, this is your plan
to teach Sadie how to drive?

Get a saw horse
and a garbage can?

Just seems dumb.

She's driving
forward but she's looking
out the back window.

Jase:
I've been driving here
my whole life.

I've never parallel parked.
| protest parallel parking.

When you're doing
a 360 doughnut you ain't
gonna be worried about

“parllel pak”—
what is it?

- (laughing )
-I can't even say it.



- “Parllel pracking.”
- Hey.

Last thing I think
| would look for

would be a trash can
in the road.

Only time you'd see
a trash can,

people are putting
their garbage out

for the garbage men
to pick up.

Mine is Wednesday.

Other people's are Thursday.

Those guys watching me
are making me nervous.

Oh, don't worry
about them idiots.

| had a pet
hamster once.

He had this big old
plastic ball you'd put him in.

He's just run all over
the living room.

Looked funny.

Right.

Willie:
This is the move,
all right?

- Spin like this. Go.
- Okay.

- Go.
- Here we go.

- Cut it.
-What's that?

-Swing it. Swing it.
- Good move. Good move.

- She's getting there.
-Swing.

Dad, you're gonna have to
stop using the driver terms.

Swing. Oh, wrong way.
Wrong way. Wrong way.

- Uh-oh, look out.
Here we go. Here we go.
- More gas, Sadie.

Off

She nailed that garbage can.

We're gonna have to take
this girl by the hand.

Who put trash
in this thing?

-It's a trash can.
- Not just for her safety...

- I would never do
what you're doing, ever.
-Yup.

...but for the safety
of all mankind.

- She's doing it.
- (engine revs )

(laughing )

All hands on deck.

| think that ends
this driving lesson.

- Good job, Will.
- Shut up.

♪ YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND

♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE

♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN'

♪ THIS WAY ♪

♪

♪ YOU'LL BE WORKIN'

♪ AND SLAVIN'

♪ YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪

♪

Phil:
What you gonna cook
for us today?

Well, I was thinking about
what I'm gonna make.

Either an apple pie
or a peach cobbler.

What do you think
about that?

Pies.

Phil:
Miss Kay, she love
to talk about pies.

See, I'm not into pie making.
I'm into pie eating.

Remember my pecan honey pies?
Those were really good.

- Mm-hmm.
-Who is that?

Old JL.
Johnny Luke himself.

Hey, Papaw.
Hey, Memaw Kay.

- Hey, buddy.
- This is Emily.

| know Emily.
You remember Emily?

Nope.

Kay:
Just excuse him.

He forgets everything.

So what y'all doing today?

Well, I was thinking
that we could—

- (rifle clicking )
- Well, I was thinking
we were gonna—

(clicking)

We could take the boat
out and try to—

- (rifle clicking )
- I was just gonna
take her out—

- (clicking )
- on the river, on the—

(clicking)

You know,
catch some fish.

Show her the ropes.

You know.

Yeah.

Phil:
Reeling back the years,

when I came up
with the old scheme

you know, me and my girlfriend
fixing to go fishing,

the last thing I had
on my mind was fishing.

That's for sure.
I'm like...

(clicks tongue )
..yeah.

- (clicks)
- Tell you what.

- I'll take y'all fishing.
-Um..

Miss Kay, watch my gun.

|—I think we got it.

You think they really
want you to go with them?

Nope.

(scoffs)

Hey, babe.
How's she doing?

She cannot be that bad.

- If she were an X-Man...
- Willie.

-...her power would be...
- Uh-uh.

-...destroying cars.
- Willie.

Not even driving,
just looking and thinking
of how she would drive.

-You're getting
out of control.
- Terrible.

Okay, where is she?
What's she doing?

- I don't know.
- Oh, God.

- Sadie.
- Yes.

When you kill a fly,
you need to move slow.

Like molasses syrup
in the wintertime.

- (laughs )
- Subtle. Subtle.

- (shouts)
-Oh!

- Hammered him.
- That's about right.

Hey.

Have you got this
driving figured out?

- No.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Look here, Sadie.

It's not your fault, okay?

It's the instructor
you chose.

If there was a long list,

the last name
on the last page

at the bottom of the page
would be Willie Robertson.

- (laughs )
-In capital letters.

Where's your name
on the page?

- Mine is at the top, Jack.
- (groans)

There is not
but one master blaster,

and that'd be yours truly.

Something drastic
is gonna have to happen

for Sadie to actually pass
her driver's test.

- How many wrecks
have you had?
- Zero.

-You've never hit a deer?
-That ain't a wreck.

- Oh.
-That's food on
the table, Jack.

And I'm that drastic
that needs to happen.

You boys have lost
your minds.

- Don't listen to him.
-Come on, Sadie.

If you want to pass
that driver's test,
come on out here.

- Wish me luck, guys.
-You're gonna need it.

So y'all want
to catch some fish?

Yes, sir.

That was the plan.
We were gonna do it.

| think our culture needs
more grandpas

riding along with grandson
and girlfriend.

You got old Papaw here
being your chaperone.

What's your opinion
on that?

- Well...
-Yeah, it's good.
It's good.

Enjoying the great outdoors
and everything's aboveboard.

John Luke,
never touch her

below the neck

until you sign
the dotted line.

- (laughs )
-That's being
a gentleman about it.

- You know what I'm saying?
-Yes, sir.

That— that helps.

Phil:
Since my dating days,
I've just noticed

it doesn't take long for a girl
to become a girlfriend.

I'm there to try to point them
on the path they should go.

When you're young,
you know,

all you hear on television
and the Internet,

you know, sex, sex, sex.

You know, what we gonna
do with ourselves?

Don't even entertain
that thought.

The last thing I would want
is one of them come to me

and say, “Guess what, Papaw?
I've got herpes.”

And I'm like,
“Yeah.

Well, I know where
that comes from.”

- Emily: Wow.
-I'm like, I don't think so.

John Luke:
Sounds like a good point.

Better a good day's
catch of fish

than a lifetime of crabs.

Little peck
on the cheek, okay.

But other than that,
nothing.

You go from happy,
happy, happy,

to crabby,
crabby, crabby.

I'm gonna go show you
how to catch a fish.

(blowing duck call )

- Oh, that's a good one.
- Where's Sadie?

Uh, I think she went out
to go get something to eat.

We just ate.

/ain't got time to keep
up with your daughter.

(calling)

- Something going on here?
- Nothing.

Willie:
These guys aren't looking
me in the eye.

I've seen it before.

That usually means Willie's
fixing to get really angry.

- Nobody's seen Sadie?
- Nope.

(fly buzzing )

Where's Si?

Si:
It's on like Donkey Kong.

Oh, my goodness.

Um, did you see
that sign that said 35?

- What about it?
-You're going 55.

Oh, that's just a suggestion.

Si:
There's three rules
you need to know about.

First of all, three to nine
on the steering wheel.

Hands at 3:00
and 9:00.

-You sure about that?
- Oh, yeah. Yup.

Number two
is establish dominance.

The key to driving is, hey,
you always be on offense.

Defense, no.
They—no.

Defensive, no.

And then number three,

always have ice
and tea on hand

to keep refreshed.

Let me get a little refill
on my tea here.

- (tires squeal )
-Oh!

Main thing is
you pay attention

to people around you.

Because I'm telling you,
people are crazy.

- Like right here,
these pedestrians.
-Mm-hmm.

If 1 hadn't been
paying attention,

I'd have killed
both of them probably.

Driving ain't that hard,
is it?

No, I think I'm really
learning something.

In Vietnam, though,
look here,

kids drive—
they start driving
about seven years old.

So driving is not
a big thing.

In "Nam, they let Kids drive
when they're seven years old.

| watched a grizzly bear
drive a scooter.

They got bears driving.

- They got dogs driving.
- What?

They get 'em on
a low motor— “mopad.”

I've seen a man with a face
on the backside of his head

drive a little small scooter.

This is ridiculous.

(honking horn)

- Hey, Dad.
- What are you doing?

I'm doing you a favor.
I'm teaching your daughter
there how to drive.

Did you learn anything?

| learned pedestrians
need to watch out.

(laughing )

- Pedestrians need to watch out?
- They do need to watch out.

-It's a dangerous
world out there.
- Oh, my gosh, Si.

-That's a good rule.
- That's not a good rule.

(laughing )

-Is that it?
- No.

Well, he also told me
that in Vietnam

you can get a pretty good
fighting chicken for
under 20 bucks.

Under $20.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sadie, if you're gonna
pass this driving test,

you must forget everything
he just told you.

All right.

- What can I say?
- Hey, it was fun.

Someone's got
to teach her, son.
You're overreacting.

Uh-oh. We're done locked
out of the office.

Yeah, that's Si-proof.
Pedestrians need to
get out of the way?

Si:
Need to be on their toes.

On your first date and all.

- Oh!
- We just gonna kind of
serrate him a little bit.

- See what I'm saying?
- Oh, I see it. Oh!

Phil Robertson,
| cannot believe

that you went out there
and interrupted their date.

Ugh, Phil.

| think when you clean fish,
it's a great first date.

It's romantic.

When's the last time
on a date

could you say,
“Now that's dating”?

- Look.
- This is the first time.

- Oh, making my mouth water.
- That's disgusting.

I'm sure Emily is loving
every minute.

- Pull it
- Kay: Are you?

Oh, it's fantastic.

It reminds me of one
of our first dates.

Kay:
I love to talk about
when we were dating.

| was looking for a pioneer
man and I got it.

-Oh, he's got—
- Oh, man!

He's got an old hard head.

But I'm different
than most women.

Mmm.

Now that is American dating.

- All right, Sadie.
-Yes?

I've set up a little duck
obstacle course.

What you're gonna do
is weave in and around

all these decoys
without hitting em.

Willie:
Sadie is my daughter.

If she thinks like I do,
monetary encouragement

is gonna make
this thing stick.

For every one
you don't hit,

I'll give you $20.

Let's do it.
140 bucks.

$140 is gonna save me
about 14,000

in insurance.

Any infraction that's
gonna hinder you passing
this driving test,

-I'm gonna give
you a warning.
- Okay.

This will be the warning.
( blows duck call)

- All right?
- All right.

-You ready?
- I'm ready.

- (blows)
- What?

You hands are at nine to three.
They need to be 10 to two.

Uncle Si taught me
nine to three.

Nine to three is what
| wish he would work.

Uh, good, you didn't
crash the first one.

All right.

Here, get your phone out
and text your mom that
you're doing good.

- Okay.
- (blows)

- Dad, what?
- That was a test.
The answer is no.

-I'm not texting.
I'm driving.
-“The answer is no.”

Cut the wheel.
Cut it.

- Other way.
- I don't know what
“cut the wheel” means.

Oh! ( blows duck call )
You just crushed a duck.

- ( Blows duck call )
Not so fast. Not so fast.
-Oh!

- (blows duck call)
- I don't understand how I'm
supposed to see the ducks.

- Oh! ( blows duck call )
-I'm about to get out
of this car.

- ( Blows duck call )
Back in the car, please.
- What?

- Do you realize
what you're doing wrong?
- I'm crushing ducks.

(blowing duck call )

- Oh, no.
- Stop, stop, stop.

Yup, she got all of them.

Are you kidding me?
This is still going on?

- Let me drive, and you—
- Oh, my gosh.

You watch, all right?

Let me just tell you,
this ain't working.

She's terrible.

Why don't you let us
worry about the driving?

Y'all need to get
back to work anyway.

Willie, she is
a danger to society.

No, she's a danger
to decoys.

She didn't hit
the pedestrian.

Okay, give me five minutes

and I believe I can teach
her how to drive.

Let me go down to
the obstacle course one time.

- Fine. Good luck.
-You'll see.

- Sadie:
All right, let's do this.
-Jase: This'll work.

Jase:
Just the story of
the three bears.

One of the bears was useless
because he was too fat.

You want to blow
the duck call at her?

- The other...
- Hey, all right.
There we go.

...Was crazy.

Then you had one bear

did it just right.

The best thing
about a vehicle...

(engine starts )

...is it provides
a great escape.

(tires squeal )

- Oh, my gosh!
- We're out of here.

Jase:
I'm gonna take you
on a little field trip.

- Hey!
- Sadie: See you later, Dad.

Boys, Elvis has left
the building.

Have you been comfortable
at any point?

Absolutely not.

You spent all day
in a parking lot

and you didn't get
any better.

- Got worse.
-You got worse.

Sadie, welcome to the woods.

If you got so many rules
that you're thinking about,

you forget the fun
of driving.

The outdoors
is the perfect place

to find the bridge
to freedom.

- Do you know what
this is right here?
-What is it?

- Freedom. You want to try?
- Yeah.

Here.

Your redneck
chariot awaits.

10 and two,
looking good?

10 to two?
What do you mean by that?

Hold the steering wheel.
That's what my dad taught me.

You need to forget all that.

Look, when you're driving
down the road

and you got a flaming hot
doughnut in your hand,

you're not worried
about 10 to two.

You're trying to drive
and eat your hot doughnut.

Look, there's
no rules here.

Fire it up
and let loose.

- Okay.
- (starts engine)

Hey, give it some gas.

- Yeah!
- Take off.

Oh, here we go.
Look it there.

- Ah!
- (laughing)

I'm giving her
the art of driving

according to the woods.

This is so much better
than the parking lot.

| can see it
in Sadie's eyes.

Easy. Easy. Oh.

She's feeling the freedom.

- Ah! That was close.
- Yeah, it was.

I’m trying to supply her
with confidence...

-That's almost
losing control.
- Yeah.

-...freedom.
- In between the trees.

Oh, you're cutting
that one close, Sadie.

And what was
the other thing?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, yeah, safety.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

- Is this bad?
- We're not coming
out of here.

And guess who's gonna
get the blame for this?

Jase.

You might be
a little late.

Kay:
You know how they have
the dinner and a movie?

This would be fish
and then a dinner.

- There you go.
You got it.
- Fun.

Kay:
I'm trying to teach Emily
the way of the pioneer women.

And she's actually
wanting to learn.

And I know you want
to get your hands

in some more good old
fish, don't you?

- Sounds good to me.
- Actually, I'm not
gonna let you.

| love that about her.

This is a pioneer
woman secret.

They key to, especially
a Robertson man's heart,

is through his stomach.

Just between us,
you know, everybody—

you know,
it's sex, sex.

- That only lasts shortly.
- That's enough of that.

Kay.
Nowadays they're just
all about sex.

They think that's all that's
important, but it's not.

| want to bestow a little
knowledge on these kids.

You have breakfast,
you have lunch,

you have dinner,
you have snacks,

you have
special treat night.

Popcorn night
and dip and chip night.

That's what you need
to think about.

It never hurts to have a good
pan of cornbread either.

I can't wait for our next
double date.

(knocks)

Don't get up.

- Here's the report.
- Korie.

What?

Okay, do you realize
you're, like, really late?

- Well...
- Willie: Where did you go?

| took her to the woods
"cause that's where
| learned how to drive.

-Jase.
- She's not gonna be
driving through woods.

- She's driving on streets.
- Mom.

- You realize she's missed
her driving test.
- Dad.

- Think if you just call up
there they can wait on us?
- Mom.

Well, I don't know.
I'm just saying...

Okay, look, guys.
| am a terrible driver.

What?

| don't think
it's such a bad thing
| missed my test today.

- Oh, I agree with that.
- She is terrible.

- Hide the puppies terrible.
- She cannot be that bad.

She's the worst driver ever.

(laughs )

Ever.

Okay, you're saying
you don't want—

I'm saying I do not need
to take my test today.

-You sure?
- Iran over—

let's see,
like, eight decoys,

a trash can,
ran into the ditch,

- got the thing stuck.
-You crashed in a ditch?

- But everybody's fine.
- (laughs )

I'm angry,
but in this family,

you got to learn to take
the positives out of anything.

Sadie came back alive—
positive.

Missed her driving test—
positive.

She won't kill anybody on
the streets for another week—

positive.

If you want to wait we can
wait and I'll teach you.

- Hal
- Hey, it's a lot better
than you two.

I'll teach her how to drive.
Come on, baby, we can do it.

She's one of
the most dangerous people

- I've ever been around.
- Dang, I'm scared for my life.

We got to look into
some armor on that thing.

-Yup.
- She needs steel plated—

-Jase: Roll cage.
-Willie: Big time.

Willie:
As a dad, I want nothing more

than to see my children
learn and grow,

even if] have to do some
growing too in the process.

Father, we thank You for
another day on planet Earth.

| do pray for Sadie learning
how to drive an automobile.

And I pray for old John Luke
and Emily, father,

that they be pure
in their dating relationship.

-Amen.
- All: Amen.

Willie:
Let's face it.
Things like dating

and handing over
the car keys to your kid

for the first time
are scary.

The key is to guide them
so that they don't go

careening off
the highway of life.

In the end, I just want
Sadie and John Luke

to fee/ confident and capable
in everything they do.

Orin Sadie's case,
Just move to a city

with a dadgum subway.

Sadie:
Hey, Dad, can/
drive home tonight?

Willie:
I guess so.

Jase:
Let me move my truck first.